SBB 2010 Entry #10 - Double Life (1/2)

[onew]

Title: Double Life
Pairing/Focus: Jonghyun/Onew
Rating: PG
Word count: 17,813

Taemin knows perfectly well what a coma is. He’s seen them on television dramas and he’s heard about them on the news, but nothing prepares him for the sight of Lee Jinki lying in a hospital bed looking like a lifeless doll with tubes hooked up to his body. This isn’t a fictional character in a drama, or a stranger from a news report, and Taemin’s whole world becomes dark because this is someone he actually knows. This is someone who greets him every morning with an infectious smile that chases away the clouds, someone who tries to cheer him up even when they’re both feeling horrible, someone who’s always lived right next door for as long as Taemin can remember. This is reality, plain and simple, and it feels like a punch in the face.

“Jinki,” Taemin says, reaching out to touch his perfectly still hand. There’s no response, not that Taemin is expecting one, and the small hospital room is filled with a ghostly silence. Taemin can’t stand it, but he can’t bring himself to run away. Running away is admitting his fear, and Taemin isn’t ready to admit how frightened he is, or how hopeless he feels.

The doctor, an older man with a solemn face, enters the room and tries to assure Taemin that everything will be all right, as if Taemin is six instead of sixteen and can’t handle the reality. And perhaps he can’t handle it, but Taemin doesn’t want to hear these useless words from this total stranger dressed all in white, like some demented version of an angel. Taemin just wants Jinki to wake up, and to wake up now.

“What happened?” Taemin asks, though he already knows the answer. His mother only gave him a vague explanation that told everything but described nothing, and Taemin craves more details.

“Car accident, just before eight o’clock this morning,” the doctor replies. “Luckily his spine wasn’t injured, but his neck was strained and one of his legs was fractured. The car was smashed up and had to be towed away.”

Taemin can see it all in his head. The little white car swerving out of control, the windshield cracking until there’s glass flying everywhere, Jinki blacking out because it’s all too much, too horrible to be real. Taemin knows his face must be horror-stricken because the doctor snaps him out of his fantasy, telling him he should go downstairs and get a hot cup of tea, but Taemin doesn’t want to leave. Maybe if he stays by Jinki’s side long enough and lets him know that he’s here, Jinki will wake up and make some ridiculous joke about how stupid he was to get into an accident like that.

Wishful thinking always hurts, but Taemin can’t help himself.

As soon as the doctor is gone Taemin lets his guard down and collapses into the stiff chair set by Jinki’s bedside. “I’m sorry,” he says, hoping Jinki can hear him somehow. Taemin was the one who encouraged Jinki to get his driver’s license recently, and he begged and pleaded until Jinki finally gave in and signed up for lessons. Now Jinki’s car is smashed up somewhere and Jinki himself has been disconnected from reality, perhaps for days, weeks, or even months.

Perhaps forever.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin repeats, a little louder this time. Jinki has always been like an older brother and Taemin never even thanked him for it. “Please wake up, Jinki. You’ve gotta wake up.”

But Jinki doesn’t respond, because he’s someplace far beyond Taemin’s reach.

-

It’s sunny when Jinki opens his eyes and he winces at the bright light that streams through the window blinds. His mind feels hazy, as if he’s been sleeping for years, and he can’t remember going to bed at all last night. All he knows is that he feels exhausted and starving, and it takes all of his effort to stretch and force himself to slowly sit up in bed.

Something isn’t right.

In fact, something is horribly, horribly wrong. Jinki’s bed feels the same and the blankets are the same dark blue blankets he’s had for three years, but the bedroom is different. Jinki is sure that it is his bedroom because he recognizes the crooked light fixture and the crack in one wall, but it looks as if strangers came in and dumped their belongings everywhere. There are unfamiliar clothes strewn on the floor, a strange guitar is propped up against the wall, and the top of his dresser is littered with CDs he definitely didn’t buy. Either his parents decided to play some strange joke on him, or Jinki is dreaming.

He considers lying back down and closing his eyes, in hopes that this dream will end and he’ll wake up in his normal bedroom like he’s supposed to, but the door suddenly opens and a stranger appears. He looks like he’s about Jinki’s age with brown hair cut stylishly, like something out of a magazine, and he looks right at Jinki as if he knows him.

“Hey, are you ever going to get up? It’s almost ten o’clock.”

Jinki is too shaken up to wonder if he’s dreaming or not, and he nearly topples out of bed in his surprise. “Who are you?”

“Pretending you don’t know me isn’t going to drive me away.” The stranger takes hold of Jinki’s blankets and tugs them until they’re sprawled on the floor. “Come on, Jinki. You never sleep in this late.”

Jinki feels like a turtle without its shell now that the blankets are gone and worry twists inside him, because this strange boy knows his name. “Who are you?” he repeats, shrinking back against his pillows. “Who let you in?”

“It’s Jonghyun, you moron. You know who I am. Now get out of bed or I’ll call Key over and make him do it.” Jonghyun’s tone is playful as he speaks to Jinki, as if the two of them have been acquainted for years, but his attitude changes when he notices the confusion on Jinki’s face. “Hey. Are you all right?”

“No, of course I’m not all right.” Jinki has never heard of anyone named Jonghyun or Key, and he’s certainly never seen this boy in his life before. “I don’t know you. This is a dream. All I have to do is wake up and everything will be back to normal.”

“Stop it, Jinki. You’re starting to scare me.”

“You’re starting to scare me,” Jinki murmurs. “How do you know me?”

“Seriously, Jinki? We’ve been living together for six months now. If you’re trying to play a joke on me, I’ll-”

“I need to get out of here,” Jinki interrupts. He has no idea what’s going on, but something feels terrifyingly real about it and he feels like he’s being suffocated by this bedroom filled with unfamiliar objects, and this strange boy who claims to know him so well. He hurries out of bed and heads down the hallway, ignoring Jonghyun calling after him, and knocks on the door of his parents’ bedroom. Surely his parents can explain what’s going on, because there’s no way they would let a complete stranger into the house at ten o’clock in the morning. There’s no answer, however, even when Jinki calls his parents’ names, so he goes ahead and opens the door.

Instead of the familiar bed that normally dominates the room, Jinki finds a desk with a computer on it, a filled bookcase, and numerous cardboard boxes. There’s no sign that his parents ever inhabited this room and for the first time Jinki starts to feel really, truly frightened.

This is no dream. It’s a nightmare.

“Jinki! What are you doing?” Jonghyun appears behind Jinki and tries to place a hand on his shoulder, but Jinki quickly pulls away.

“Where are my parents?” Jinki asks. “This is supposed to be their bedroom.”

“Your parents live an hour away. What are you talking about?” Jonghyun peers into Jinki’s face, looking just as worried and frightened as Jinki feels. “What’s wrong with you? You’re being serious, aren’t you?”

Jinki can only nod dumbly. He’s never felt so lost or helpless before and if this is a dream, then why isn’t he waking up yet? Why does it feel so utterly, hopelessly real? He remembers when he was eight years old and got lost in a supermarket, where there was nothing but strangers and shopping carts and more strangers, when all he wanted was to find his parents and go home. Jinki’s current experience is similar, only ten times worse because it feels like a tornado came up out of nowhere and blew away most of his life as he knows it.

Nearly everything has been blown away, with only a pathetic shell and memories upon memories left behind.

Jinki knows that Jonghyun is talking to him, because Jonghyun never stops talking and he never goes away no matter how many times Jinki shuts his eyes and tries to escape. Jonghyun says that Jinki is crazy, that he has amnesia. That he hit his head, or he has some crazy disease and needs to see a doctor.

Jonghyun keeps talking, but Jinki barely hears him because his whole world is falling apart.

This must be what it feels like to wake up stranded on a deserted island. Nothing to hold on to, no rescue in sight, just fear upon confusion upon hopelessness.

Jinki feels sick and runs to the bathroom.

The toilet is the same, with the seat left up because Jinki always forgets to put it down. The shower is the same, and the floor tiles are the same, including the corner tile near the door with a chip in it, but the bathroom sink is a different story. The cosmetics and moisturizers belonging to Jinki’s mother and the medicines and eye drops belonging to his father are nowhere to be found. Instead of three toothbrushes, there are just two and Jinki only recognizes one of them.

He’s only vaguely aware of all this, because soon he’s got the toilet seat down and he’s sitting on top of it, sitting with his head in his hands like he’s about to cry. Jinki is tempted to cry, because crying is a way of letting go and wrapping yourself in emotion so that nothing else can touch you. If Jinki cries he will lose himself in his hot tears and shuddering gasps, and there will be no Jonghyun, no crazy house where everything is wrong, no confusion or hopelessness.

But Jinki doesn’t cry, and Jonghyun comes back to talk some more.

“Jinki!” Jonghyun pounds loudly on the bathroom door. “Jinki, come out of there. We need to talk.”

“How do you know me?” Jinki asks yet again as he gets up and opens the door. “And who are you exactly? How did you get in here?”

“You’ve really forgotten everything.” Jonghyun’s eyes are wide with fear and worry. “Did you bang your head before going to bed last night?” He reaches out to touch Jinki, looking gentle for a change, but Jinki still can’t let this strange boy touch him and leads the way to the living room, keeping a distance between the two of them. He doesn’t want comfort or a diagnosis. He wants answers.

The living room is just like the bedroom and the bathroom, with familiar mixed in with the unfamiliar. Everywhere he looks there is evidence that his parents have never lived here and a total stranger co-inhabits the area, and Jinki is choked with fear once more. He sits with Jonghyun on a sofa he doesn’t recognize, feeling more and more like nightmare and reality have come together to haunt him, and listens as the ever talkative Jonghyun explains everything.

They’ve been renting this house together for six months and their parents donated some of the furniture. Jonghyun works in a music store and hopes to become a singer someday, while Jinki is a freelance journalist writing for magazines. Jinki attended college for two years, then dropped out and got the freelance job, and Jonghyun is thinking of attending a music school. The two of them have known each other for five years, ever since they met in high school.

But no.

No, this is all wrong. It’s a mistake, a fairytale, a web of lies that Jonghyun is trying to trap Jinki in, because none of this is true and Jinki’s got the memories to prove it. He’s lived in this house with his parents his whole life, he’s still in college and is studying to be a lawyer, and he never, ever met a boy named Jonghyun in high school or anywhere else. Jinki tries to explain all of this to Jonghyun, but Jonghyun looks at him in the sad, sad way that a doctor looks at a patient who is raving and having hallucinations. It’s the type of look that says, There is something seriously wrong with you and you need to be locked away and treated, or else you’ll only hurt yourself.

Jinki is starting to believe that maybe he is crazy. Either that or the whole world has gone crazy. How can he have all these memories that don’t match up with the reality he’s currently living in?

It feels like a giant hand reached into Jinki’s life and rearranged everything, just to confuse him and make him go mad.

“Jinki.” Jonghyun is fast this time and takes Jinki’s hand, and it doesn’t burn or cause an electric shock. “This is bad. This is really, really bad. Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?”

“I don’t know,” Jinki confesses. “I can’t remember what I did last night, or even how I got into bed.”

“We went out with some friends last night and you went right to bed afterwards. I thought you were sick this morning because you slept in so late. You have to have some crazy form of amnesia, Jinki. Let’s go see a doctor.”

“No!” Jinki is panicking. He’s been panicking ever since he woke up and has no desire to see any more strangers. “I… I think I’ll have breakfast.” He suddenly remembers how hungry he is among all this chaos and pushes Jonghyun away, insisting on being alone while he finds something to eat. He knows Jonghyun is worried about him and that only makes him feel weirder, because a complete stranger is terribly concerned about him. Or someone who feels like a stranger because Jinki can’t remember him. It’s getting harder and harder to tell what’s real and what’s not.

It’s funny how Jinki always thought reality was something stable, something that remained static from day to day. Reality is supposed to be unshakeable, like invisible stone columns that hold up everyone’s lives, but Jinki is quickly learning that nothing is ever, ever certain, not even reality. Jinki isn’t in the mood for contemplating the workings of the world, however, because he’s rummaging in the kitchen for a late breakfast. Or an early lunch, or whatever. It doesn’t really matter when his life is in a complete jumble.

Eating doesn’t make him feel better as far as emotions go, but Jinki finds it easier to think clearly once he’s had some food, though he still can’t accept the fact that he has amnesia. Amnesia is a loss of memory and Jinki remembers everything about his life, except it’s different from the world he woke up in this morning, and it’s different from what Jonghyun told him earlier. Is Jinki crazy, or is Jonghyun the crazy one? Jinki doesn’t know, but he’s starting to lose his idea on what sanity is supposed to be exactly.

He just wants his old life back, if his old life even existed to begin with.

Jinki hopes that Jonghyun is a figment of his imagination after all, and that he’ll be magically gone after he’s done eating, but when Jinki leaves the kitchen he finds Jonghyun pacing around the living room, waiting for him. If this is all a dream, then it’s the longest, most realistic dream that Jinki has ever experienced. “I still think you need a doctor,” Jonghyun says. “This is serious.”

“No,” says Jinki. “No doctor.”

“Come on, what are you so afraid of?”

“I don’t know what’s real anymore,” says Jinki, feeling sick again as he looks around the living room. “I don’t know who to believe.”

“You can trust me,” says Jonghyun. “I wouldn’t lie to you about something so serious, I swear.”

“No,” Jinki murmurs, though he isn’t quite sure what he’s saying no to. “I… I’m going to call Taemin. What day is it today?”

“Saturday. Who’s Taemin?”

Saturday means that Taemin won’t be in school and Jinki hunts around for his cell phone, explaining to Jonghyun as he lifts up sofa cushions and pushes magazines aside. “Taemin is the kid who lives next door. He’s always been like a little brother.”

“There’s no kid named Taemin next door,” says Jonghyun, eyeing Jinki with a mixture of confusion and pity. “And if there ever was, then he moved away before we came here.”

The sense that Jinki is alone in the world intensifies when he hears these words. Jonghyun must be lying, just to convince Jinki that he’s gone insane. Of course there’s a boy named Taemin next door and Jinki can prove it once he drags Jonghyun outside and shows him. “You’re wrong,” he tells Jonghyun. “Taemin exists and he knows me. He’ll know that this is all a mistake and that you’re driving me mad.” Jonghyun must be the crazy one, not Jinki. Jinki remembers everything the way it should be and Jonghyun is just putting lies in his head.

Maybe if he waits long enough, his parents will show up and set everything right. They’ve just got to. He was hoping to find a main telephone in the house so he could call somebody, but so far there isn’t a phone in sight.

“Look,” says Jonghyun, trying not to lose his patience. “You want more proof that I’m in the right? I’ll call up Key on my cell and he can tell you.”

Jinki remembers that someone named Key was mentioned earlier, but the name still doesn’t ring any bells. “Who’s Key?”

“He’s our friend. Well, it’s more like I’m his friend and you’re someone he tolerates. Maybe he can jog your memory if he comes over.”

Jinki doesn’t want to meet some stranger named Key, and he doesn’t want anyone to jog his memory because he already has memories. Jinki just wants to run away, disappear into thin air, do anything to escape this nightmare he’s trapped in. While Jonghyun is on the phone calling up his friend, Jinki slips out of the living room and manages to sneak out the front door of the house. He half-expects to see blue grass and a green sky when he walks outside, but everything is normal and he walks next door to Taemin’s house with a pounding heart. He feels freer now that he’s outside, yet a terror that’s gripped him all morning is as strong as ever and he glances nervously over his shoulder as he approaches Taemin’s doorstep. Hopefully Jonghyun will be too absorbed in his phone conversation to chase after him.

Jinki knocks on the door and waits for what feels like a long, dragging eternity. When the door finally opens he expects to see Taemin’s mother, or even Taemin himself, but instead he’s faced with an older man he’s never seen before. “Is… is Taemin there?” Jinki stammers, practically choking the words out.

“There’s no Taemin here,” says the man. Clearly displeased at seeing a stranger on his doorstep, he retreats into his home and slams the door shut.

That slamming of the door feels like a gunshot to Jinki. He’s lost, he’s falling off the face of the earth, he’s spinning out of control and the whole world has gone dark. How can this strange man live next door when Taemin has lived in that house for as long as Jinki can remember? Is the whole universe crazy, or is Jinki crazy? Which reality is the real one, who should Jinki believe, and why is this happening to him? Why why why is this happening?

Maybe he’s truly lost his mind. He’s all alone, and everyone else is against him.

He’s all alone.

As if his body is moving on its own, Jinki finds himself walking back into his house and into his bedroom. He doesn’t want this to be his life, but it looks like he’s stuck with it until he either wakes up or figures out what’s going on. Most of all, Jinki is exhausted, and he sinks down onto his bed like he can’t hold himself up anymore. It feels like he has been defeated, and Jinki is finally ready to admit defeat.

“There you are.” Jonghyun settles down beside Jinki and places a hand upon his shoulder, and Jinki is too tired to pull away. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Key will be coming over soon.”

“I don’t want to see him.” Jinki grabs a pillow and pulls it over his head. “Just leave me alone.”

“Jinki, stop that. I’m worried about you. If you don’t let me help you I’ll drag you to a doctor whether you like it or not.”

“How can you help me when I don’t even remember you?”

“I know this is hard, but you’ve got to trust me.” Jonghyun pulls the pillow off of Jinki’s head and flings it onto the floor. “You’d better get up. Key doesn’t like to be ignored.”

Jinki doesn’t know anything about this mysterious Key person, but he’s learned two important things: Jonghyun never stops talking and he never, ever leaves him alone. Trying to escape Jonghyun is like trying to stop a volcano from erupting, and Jinki forces himself out of bed because he has no choice and trudges after Jonghyun towards the living room. As he stands there and looks at the unfamiliar furniture, the strange magazines on the coffee table, and the stereo system he’s never seen before, Jinki is struck with how fragile and uncertain everything truly is. What is the point of having material things anyway? What is the point of getting attached, when you can wake up any moment and find everything turned upside down?

What is the point of enjoying your life when it can all be taken away from you?

“Hey.” Jonghyun comes up behind Jinki and rests a hand on his shoulder. “You okay?”

Jinki blinks.

“Okay, maybe that was the wrong question. I know you’re not okay and I know you don’t remember me, but you’re stuck with me, all right? It’s not going to be that bad.”

“If you say so,” Jinki mumbles. It’s gotten to the point where he can’t even fight Jonghyun anymore, though he can’t tell if it’s because he’s gotten used to Jonghyun or because he’s simply too tired. Jonghyun seems to genuinely care about him, even if Jinki can’t remember him, and help from someone he can’t remember is better than no help at all. Yet Jinki’s heart won’t stop pounding when he thinks about how wrong and confusing it all is.

How do you pick up the pieces of a life you don’t remember? How do you find your place in a life you didn’t even know existed?

Jinki doesn’t want to accept this reality, but what else can he possibly do?

“It will be all right,” says Jonghyun, as if he can read Jinki’s thoughts. He moves a little closer so that Jinki can feel him breathe against the back of his neck, and Jinki feels hopelessly awkward. Even worse, he can’t move. “It will be all right,” Jonghyun repeats. “Just don’t panic on me, okay?”

“Okay,” Jinki mumbles.

He’s spared from further awkwardness with Jonghyun because the front door soon opens and another stranger bursts into Jinki’s life. This stranger apparently knows Jinki well, and he immediately starts calling Jonghyun names and looking at Jinki like he’s from an entirely different species. This stranger’s real name is Kibum, but everyone calls him Key, and he spends five minutes telling them how hopeless they are before he drags Jinki onto the couch with him and peers into his face. “Jinki, do you remember me?” he asks somewhat loudly, as if Jinki is going deaf instead of suffering from memory loss.

Jinki shakes his head. “No.”

“Are you sure?” says Key. “You just saw me last night, remember? We went to a noraebang and you spilled soda in my lap when it was your turn to get up and sing.”

“You’re lucky Key didn’t kill you in your sleep,” Jonghyun adds.

Jinki struggles to remember what he did last night, but it’s the only part of his memory that’s gone blank. He remembers getting up in the morning and driving to college, but he can’t recall anything after that. “Did I see you two last night?” he says, thinking out loud.

“Yes, you did,” Key says slowly, like he’s talking to a child. “Jonghyun, did you check his head for any bumps?”

“No,” Jonghyun admits. “I didn’t think of it.”

Key sighs. “I should have known. It’s a good thing you called me.” He yanks Jinki towards him, catching Jinki off guard, and carefully inspects his whole head. “I don’t feel anything. Are you sick, Jinki? Sometimes if you have a fever you-”

Jinki shakes his head and shrinks away from Key. “I’m fine. I just… maybe I need to rest. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow morning, everything will be fine.”

Key doesn’t look satisfied with this response and gets up off the couch so he can grab Jonghyun by the wrist. “I’m thirsty. Let’s go see what’s in your poor excuse for a fridge. Jinki, you stay there.” He drags a somewhat bewildered Jonghyun off to the kitchen, and Jinki quietly places himself in a spot where he can hear every word without being seen.

“What the hell, Key?” says Jonghyun. “Why did you drag me in here?”

“What is going on, Jonghyun?” Key demands. “People don’t just wake up with their memories gone. Something serious must have happened.”

“We were both with him last night. He was having a good time.”

“It didn’t have to happen last night. It might be something psychological. Maybe he’s stressed out at work or he ran into some trouble that he’s keeping secret from you. If he’s having a breakdown or something-”

“Breakdown?” Jonghyun interrupts. “I’ve been living with him for six months. I’ve been looking after him for six months and making sure that both of us are happy, and there’s no way he could possibly have a breakdown.”

“Jonghyun, sometimes people don’t tell you when they’re having problems,” Key says quietly. “Especially when they’re people you care about.”

Jinki doesn’t listen anymore and stumbles back to the couch, where he sits with his head in his hands and tries to calm his breathing. What if Key is right? What if this upside-down universe is reality and Jinki has psychological problems that caused him to block out his real memories and replace them with fictional ones? That would make him the crazy one, not Jonghyun, and Jinki wants more badly than ever to wake up from this nightmare.

He’s never questioned his own sanity before, but now is a good time to start.

Jonghyun and Key return together, and their combined noisiness starts to give Jinki a headache. Of all the people for him to be stuck with, it figures that he’s stuck with two people who never quit talking. Key wants to inspect him again, just to make sure there aren’t any hidden bruises on his head and that his pupils aren’t horrendously dilated, and Jinki is still too shaken up to fight him off. Key’s hands are much gentler the second time around and his eyes contain the same worry that’s been haunting Jonghyun’s all morning. “This has to be temporary,” Key decides. “You’ll let one of us know as soon as you’re normal again, won’t you?”

Jinki doesn’t even know what normal is anymore. “Yeah, sure,” he promises. “I think I’m going to lie down now.”

Nobody stops him from leaving and Jinki retreats to his bedroom, where his familiar belongings are mixed in with items he’s never seen before. The unfamiliar clothes and CDs are probably Jonghyun’s, since it’s the only explanation he can think of, but what are Jonghyun’s things doing in Jinki’s bedroom? The blankets are still sprawled on the floor after Jonghyun’s treatment of them earlier, and Jinki puts everything back in order before collapsing onto the mattress and shutting his eyes. He wants to escape and disappear, yet at the same time he wants to stay and find all the answers to his questions. Is he dreaming? Is he crazy? Is the whole world conspiring against him? Jinki just doesn’t fucking know, and it ties his mind up in knots when he thinks about it.

He lies there in bed for maybe five minutes, or ten minutes, or half an hour, when the door opens and Jonghyun appears. “Are you okay in here? Key went home just now.”

Jinki keeps his eyes shut and pretends he’s sleeping. Listening to Jonghyun talk some more is the last thing he wants to do when his thoughts and feelings are running in circles.

“Jinki?” The mattress creaks under Jonghyun’s weight as he sits beside Jinki, and Jinki struggles not to open his eyes. “Jinki, I know you’re awake. Look at me.”

“How did you know?” Jinki grumbles, finally opening his eyes.

“Because you’ve tried this on me a million times. Your body goes all stiff and you don’t breathe with your mouth open like you do when you’re really asleep.”

Jinki doesn’t ask how Jonghyun knows these details about him. Part of him doesn’t want to know.

Without asking permission, Jonghyun goes ahead and lies down beside Jinki, and the two of them face each other now that’s Jinki’s opened his eyes. It feels awkward to Jinki, yet strangely comfortable. “Hey Jinki?” says Jonghyun.

“Yeah?”

“If something went really, really wrong in your life, then I’m sorry, okay? Like, I don’t know, if you got into trouble or had emotional problems or something. I didn’t want something crazy like this to happen to you and I know you didn’t want it either, but I’m on your side. Please don’t keep anything from me.”

When Jinki looks into Jonghyun’s face, he sees someone who worries about him and cares about him, like his parents always worried and cared about him. If Jonghyun had intended Jinki any harm, he surely would have harmed him already. “I can’t really keep any secrets if I can’t remember any of them,” says Jinki, trying to lighten the conversation. He even manages a small smile that he almost feels.

“Well if anything ever happens, tell me about it, okay? You’re not leaving me out.”

Jinki agrees, just to avoid trouble, and the two of them fall silent. Jinki has never shared a bed with anyone before and he pays attention to the way Jonghyun breathes, soft and slow, and suddenly a question occurs to him. “Jonghyun, where do you sleep? There are only two bedrooms and one of them looks like it’s been turned into a storage room.”

Jonghyun grins at Jinki. “Where do you think I sleep?”

“I don’t know. The couch?”

“Guess again.”

“The floor?”

“Wrong.”

Jinki is aware of how comfortably Jonghyun lies stretched out on his bed, and once again his eyes find the random belongings that Jonghyun likely owns. “Um… do we..?” He can’t even bring himself to say it, but the look on Jonghyun’s face gives him the answer he needs. He supposes it’s normal for roommates to share a bed when there’s only one in the house, though Jinki can’t imagine why they didn’t get an extra bed from somebody. He doesn’t really understand how any of this works, since he can’t remember ever having a roommate.

“Let’s go do something,” says Jonghyun, suddenly sitting up. “I’m tired of being cooped up in this house.”

“Where are we going?” asks Jinki.

“Anywhere. Get your jacket and let’s go.”

Once again, Jinki realizes that there’s nothing he can do but go along with the situation. Jonghyun is like a whirlwind, catching Jinki up in his irresistible energy, and next thing Jinki knows he’s got his jacket and shoes on, ready to head out the door. “Where’s my car?” he suddenly asks as he follows Jonghyun outside. It hadn’t occurred to him earlier that the white car he saved up for is missing.

“What car?” says Jonghyun. “You don’t even have a license.”

“Yes I do. I got it a month ago.”

Jonghyun laughs and claps Jinki on the shoulder. “Do you really think I’m dumb enough to let you drive a car? Trust me, you’re doing the world a favor by not driving.”

Jinki supposes that’s true, and it’s a relief to know that his personality hasn’t changed along with the rest of his life. He used to wish he was a little less clumsy and a little more tactful, but now he’s glad to know that he still possess the qualities he’s always been discontent with. It isn’t much, but at least it’s something he can still hold onto.

He’s still Lee Jinki, no matter what happens.

“Come on.” Jonghyun tugs at Jinki’s arm and soon they’re both swept along at Jonghyun’s random, unstoppable whirlwind pace. Jonghyun’s mind is constantly running, forever jumping from one idea to the next, until Jinki stops trying to keep up and simply gets pulled along for the ride. The two of them take a bus to the shopping mall, where they browse shops filled with clothes, furniture, and music supplies, then take a break at the park, where Jonghyun challenges Jinki to see who can swing higher on the swing set. Jonghyun ends up winning, but he compensates for Jinki’s loss by buying him an ice cream cone and insists on taking a bite out of it, which makes Jinki feels hopelessly awkward. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s actually having fun, and Jonghyun’s ceaseless noise and energy help take his mind off of his problems.

Yet it frightens him a little, because he could actually get used to this whole thing.

Jonghyun apparently thinks that Jinki is on his way to recovery, because by the time they get home he’s cheerful and as talkative as ever, showing none of the anxiety he had displayed earlier. Jinki wants to lie to himself and pretend that his life is normal, that this is where he belongs and that nothing is out of the ordinary, but it’s still too difficult and he remains silent as he follows Jonghyun back into the house. His parents are still nowhere in sight, crushing his last bit of hope, and the house is quiet aside from the constant sound of Jonghyun’s voice.

“Hey, you want to watch a movie or something tonight?” While Jinki stands in the front room trying to gather his thoughts together, Jonghyun comes out of nowhere and drapes an arm across Jinki’s shoulders.

Startled, Jinki freezes up. “Sure, whatever you want,” he says, forcing himself to smile.

“I figured it will help us both relax.” Jonghyun doesn’t move, as if he has every right to invade Jinki’s personal space. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m fine.”

“Good.” Jonghyun shifts his arms so that they’re now around Jinki’s waist, and he rests his chin on Jinki’s shoulder as he hugs him from behind. “You’re such a ditz. How could you possibly forget me?” He laughs into Jinki’s shoulder, trying to make light of the situation, and Jinki finds himself laughing in response. It’s all so horrible and ridiculous at the same time, too crazy to be real, and Jinki doesn’t pull away when Jonghyun hugs him just a little bit tighter.

Security isn’t such a bad thing after all, and he’ll take what he can get.

“You’ll be okay,” Jonghyun says confidently. “You’ll go back to normal soon and everything will be okay. I just know it.”

Jinki doesn’t argue with him, since he doesn’t even know what “back to normal” is supposed to feel like. Perhaps it feels a little like the way he’s feeling now, calm and somewhat safe with Jonghyun’s arms around his waist, and his face grows hot when he thinks about it. He wriggles out of Jonghyun’s grasp and smiles nervously at him, trying to pretend that everything is “normal” to some extent. “You mentioned a movie earlier.”

“Oh. Right.” Jonghyun blinks, taken aback at finding his arms suddenly empty. “Let’s find a comedy or something. We could both use a laugh right now, couldn’t we?”

Jonghyun is more subdued as he sits on the living room couch beside Jinki and looks through a stack of DVDs that Jinki has never seen before, and he keeps making remarks like “Oh, remember this movie?” or “We haven’t seen this one in ages.” Jinki doesn’t know what to say to these remarks so he says nothing at all, and as he sits on the couch and watches Jonghyun sort through movies, he suddenly feels upset because he wants to remember everything. He wants to remember all of the things that Jonghyun has told him, all of the things that made him believe he’s gone crazy, and when Jonghyun finally asks him to choose between three DVDs he shrugs helplessly and points to the nearest one, because he’s afraid of opening his mouth and unleashing his inner feelings.

As his situation becomes stranger and stranger, Jinki feels himself becoming stranger and stranger. Part of him longs to sit with his parents and tell them about the latest law course he’s taking in college, and yet part of him wants to accept this crazy, upside-down life with Jonghyun. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Next thing he knows, the movie is playing and Jinki finds himself unable to think anymore, which is probably for the best. The characters on screen capture his attention and pull him away from his problems, and soon he’s smiling at the movie as if nothing has gone wrong. He’s aware that Jonghyun keeps inching closer to him as the film progresses, until their legs are touching and their shoulders are pressed together, but he chooses to ignore it until Jonghyun finally takes Jinki by the hand and doesn’t let go. Jinki stares down at his lap, where his hand is now enclosed in Jonghyun’s grasp, and then he glances at Jonghyun, but Jonghyun’s eyes are glued to the TV and he’s laughing at some funny scene, as if he’s done nothing out of the ordinary.

Nothing makes any sense, but Jinki holds back a sigh and doesn’t withdraw his hand. If Jonghyun is happy right now, then he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin it.

When the movie ends and the credits start rolling Jonghyun releases Jinki’s hand and stretches his arms, stiff from sitting still for two and a half hours. If there had been any tension in the air, it’s gone by now, and Jinki feels sleepy as he gazes at the credits sliding up the screen.

“You hungry?” asks Jonghyun, clapping Jinki on the shoulder. “I think we’ve got some leftovers from last night.”

Jinki is starving now that Jonghyun mentions it, and after shutting off the television the two of them migrate to the kitchen, which is considerably messier than the kitchen Jinki remembers. There are dishes piled in the sink, including the dishes Jinki had eaten a late breakfast off of, and the careful organization his mother always maintained is nowhere to be seen. Jonghyun heats up dinner and his usual chatty self makes a comeback, because he doesn’t stop talking throughout the meal and Jinki tries his best to contribute, though he doesn’t know what Jonghyun is talking about half the time. Jinki can sense the desperation beneath Jonghyun’s confident, laidback exterior, and he knows that Jonghyun just wants to lighten the mood and pretend that everything is perfectly all right.

Jonghyun isn’t the only one who can pretend, though, and Jinki keeps a smile on his face because he doesn’t want Jonghyun to worry about him. Even though he doesn’t remember Jonghyun and still sees him as an intruder, the thought of making Jonghyun worry is an unpleasant one and Jinki decides that he likes to see Jonghyun smile and laugh like nothing is wrong.

Perhaps he even likes Jonghyun a little bit, despite the circumstances.

After he’s done eating Jinki brings his plate to the sink and stares dubiously at all the dishes piled up, while Jonghyun seems oblivious to the mess and finds a spot to put his plate and cup. “Um, shouldn’t we wash these?” Jinki asks, gesturing at all the dishes.

“We’ll do it tomorrow,” says Jonghyun. “I’m getting tired.”

“Shouldn’t we do some of them now? The sink is full.”

“Maybe I’ll bribe Key to do them. He won’t say no if I let him borrow my jacket he’s been eyeing up for weeks. Come on.” Jonghyun grabs Jinki by the wrist and tugs him away from the sink. “Let’s go to bed.”

They brush their teeth together in the bathroom and Jinki concludes that they do a lot of things together, even unnecessary things like brushing their teeth at the same time and getting changed for bed. Jinki has never spent so much time alone with another person before and he turns his back on Jonghyun when it’s time to change his shirt, and he privately hopes that Jonghyun has his back turned as well. As soon as Jinki is ready for bed he pulls back the blankets and suddenly freezes, because Jonghyun is standing on the other side of the bed tugging the blankets back as well.

“Oh,” says Jinki. He had forgotten that the two of them apparently share a bed.

“What?” asks Jonghyun. He crawls into Jinki’s bed as if he owns it and lies there staring up at Jinki, who continues to stand frozen. “Aren’t you coming in?”

“Why do you sleep in my room?” Jinki asks.

“Our room,” Jonghyun corrects.

“I think I’ll go sleep on the couch,” Jinki mumbles, letting go of the blankets. “Good night.”

“Come on, Jinki. Don’t be ridiculous.” Jonghyun scoots across the bed and takes hold of Jinki’s wrist, preventing him from making his escape, and tries to pull him onto the mattress. “This is how we sleep every night, whether you remember it or not. You’re gonna have to get used to it.”

Jinki is tired and Jonghyun has that worried look in his eyes, the look that Jinki had hoped he wouldn’t see again. He stops fighting and slips into bed beside Jonghyun, keeping as close to the edge as possible without falling off, and lies with his face turned towards the wall. When he closes his eyes he can pretend that he’s alone, aside from the sound of Jonghyun breathing beside him, but he soon learns to block that sound out and tries to relax. Though he felt exhausted five minutes earlier, his mind is awake now and his thoughts chase each other around in his head, around and around until he realizes he’s been lying awake for an hour when he looks at the alarm clock on his dresser.

He considers getting up and getting a glass of water when Jonghyun suddenly shifts beside him and moves in close, so that he’s pressed up against Jinki’s back. Jinki holds his breath and stares straight ahead in the dark, and his heart thumps in his chest when Jonghyun puts an arm around his waist and holds him. Jinki can’t tell if Jonghyun is awake or not and finds that he can’t move, because Jonghyun is clinging to him tightly as if he’s afraid he’ll disappear.

In the end Jinki remains where he is, and it takes another whole hour for him to finally sleep.

-

Jinki hears voices in his dreams, soft and distant at first, and then louder until it feels like someone is speaking right in his ear. He swears he can hear his parents talking to him, one at a time, and then Taemin’s voice comes next, unmistakable to Jinki’s ears. He wants to reach out to them and speak back, but for some reason he can’t and the voices keep tormenting him, driving him mad.

They all sound worried about him, even Taemin. They keep telling him to wake up, that he’s going to get better, that they love him and miss him, and Jinki can’t do a thing.

Wake up, Jinki. Wake up. Wake up.

Then the voices fade and Jinki’s dreams turn black.

-

In the morning Jinki discovers Jonghyun sprawled all over him, with his face pressed against his shoulder and one of his legs thrown across his body. It’s a hundred times more awkward than all the other situations Jinki has encountered in the last twenty-four hours, and he pushes Jonghyun off of him and tries to fall back asleep, but Jonghyun fidgets and starts muttering to himself. Or at least Jinki thinks he’s muttering to himself at first, but after a moment he realizes that Jonghyun is singing in his sleep.

Jinki pulls the blankets up over his head to block out the noise and tries to catch some more rest. He doesn’t know what time it is, but he’s never been a morning person and any time in the morning is much too early. He’s so groggy that reality doesn’t hit him at first, but after half an hour of lazing in bed and ignoring Jonghyun’s random singing, Jinki is aware that he’s still trapped in this strange universe he can’t remember. Before he fell asleep last night he had hoped he would wake up in the morning and discover everything back to normal (or at least the way he remembered it), but apparently he didn’t get his wish.

It looks like he’s stuck with Jonghyun for another day. Perhaps he’s stuck with him forever, but Jinki quickly pushes that thought out of his mind.

Jonghyun yawns and rolls onto his side, apparently awake, and tugs the blankets off of Jinki’s head. “Morning,” he mumbles. “You awake, Jinki?”

Jinki responds by grabbing the blankets and pulling them back over his head. He isn’t ready to face another crazy day yet.

“Jinki.” Jonghyun pokes him in the back, with no success. “Jinki Jinki Jinki.” He finally reaches over and tickles him, near his ribcage, and Jinki is so startled that he rolls off of the bed with a loud thump. The next five minutes consist of Jonghyun panicking and apologizing loudly, over and over, while Jinki slowly picks himself up and decides that no serious damage has been done.

“I’m sorry!” Jonghyun wails for the tenth time, and Jinki finally grins and claps a hand over his mouth to quiet him.

“I’m fine,” Jinki assures him. Jonghyun is obviously just as noisy in the morning as he is during all other hours of the day, and Jinki leaves him to seek some peace in the bathroom. The bathroom is exactly the same as it was yesterday, with absolutely no traces of Jinki’s parents to be found, and Jinki tries to fight off the despair that threatens to wash over him. At least he knows he isn’t dreaming, because dreams simply don’t last this long, but he’s still so confused and the urge to run away is upon him again. He can’t possibly stay here when everything is such a jumbled mess. He has to seek answers.

But Jonghyun will worry about him if he runs away, and Jinki hates making Jonghyun worry.

He sighs and washes his face at the sink, then uses the toilet and exits the bathroom. He isn’t surprised to find Jonghyun waiting for him and even manages to flash another smile at him. “Good morning.”

Jonghyun’s face is eager as he watches Jinki smile at him. “I forgot to ask. Are you back to normal now? Do you remember me?”

Jinki’s smile quickly vanishes and he doesn’t answer. He can only stand there blinking at Jonghyun, wishing he could lie and insist that everything is fine, while Jonghyun’s eager face turns to disappointment.

“Oh,” says Jonghyun. “You still don’t remember, do you?”

“No. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It isn’t your fault, Jinki.”

They stand there awkwardly in front of the bathroom door until Jonghyun coughs and reaches past Jinki so he can grab the doorknob. “I’m gonna wash up and then we’ll have breakfast. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jinki agrees, and he trudges to the kitchen feeling somewhat depressed, though there’s no reason to feel depressed when all he did was disappoint Jonghyun. He pours himself a glass of mango juice and casts an uneasy look at all the dishes in the sink, knowing his parents would be horrified if they were here right now, then sinks down into a chair and slowly sips his juice. The house is quiet without Jonghyun by his side, almost terrifyingly quiet, and Jinki’s thoughts always go crazy when he’s faced with nothing but silence. All the fear and confusion that crowded his mind yesterday comes back in full force and next thing he knows there are tears rolling down his cheeks, trickling down hotly until they land in his mango juice.

He feels completely, utterly lost, an outsider in his own home. Who is he supposed to be exactly, and what the hell is he supposed to do?

“Jinki?”

Panicked at hearing Jonghyun’s voice, Jinki hastily wipes his face with his shirt and takes a long drink from his glass, closing his eyes as he sips his juice. By the time Jonghyun enters the kitchen he manages to compose himself, at least on the outside, and he gives Jonghyun a weak smile. “I’m starving,” he says quickly, before Jonghyun can ask him if he’s okay.

Jonghyun eyes him suspiciously and if he notices that Jinki’s eyes are brighter than normal, he doesn’t remark upon it. “Me too. We’d better go shopping sometime soon because we’re gonna run out of food.”

Jinki isn’t surprised at this news, considering the messy state of the kitchen sink, and he can’t help but remember how his parents always kept the place perfectly stocked, no matter how busy they were. He supposes he didn’t appreciate his parents’ efforts as much as he should have, but now that they aren’t here he’s aware of how hard they worked and how much he depended on them. According to Jonghyun his parents live an hour away and he has no idea where to find them, or what their phone number is, or even if they’re home right now. He can’t imagine how he’ll ever get used to this.

After they eat breakfast Jonghyun decides that it’s a good time to go shopping, or else they’ll both forget and end up with an empty kitchen before they know it, and Jinki agrees with him because he doesn’t know what else to do with his morning. “Come on then,” says Jonghyun. “Let’s go shower.”

“You can go first,” says Jinki. “I don’t mind waiting.”

Jonghyun smirks. “You always shower with me. How could you forget?”

Jinki doesn’t know how to respond. Is Jonghyun trying to play a joke on him? “Ha, nice try,” he says, forcing himself to laugh. “You go ahead and go first, and I’ll wait for you.”

“Fine then.” Jonghyun’s smirk disappears and suddenly he looks dejected, though Jinki can’t figure out why. “I’ll try to hurry up so we can go shopping soon.” He tries to compose himself and holds his head up high, but Jinki can detect the disappointment in his eyes and wants to kick himself for whatever he did to cause such dejection. While Jonghyun gathers up a change of clothes and then disappears into the bathroom, Jinki throws himself onto his bed (or perhaps their bed) and wishes for the millionth time that he wasn’t trapped in this situation. Is he really, truly crazy? Is he trying to suppress something that happened to him by forgetting reality and inventing alternate memories? Are there are actually two Jinkis, and Jinki somehow got switched with the Jinki that Jonghyun claims to know?

This is all giving him a headache.

He lies facedown on the bed with his eyes closed, trying to escape everything that’s distressing him, and a while later the bedroom door opens and Jonghyun shakes him by the shoulder. “Hey. Jinki. You feeling okay?”

Jinki opens his eyes to discover Jonghyun bending over him with wet hair, dressed in a fresh change of clothes. The shirt Jonghyun is wearing looks suspiciously like the shirt Jinki received for his birthday two years ago, but Jinki brushes it off and pretends that everything is normal. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? We can stay home if you want to.”

“No, no. We need to get groceries.” Jinki leaps off the bed and rummages through his closet for some clothes, determined to stop Jonghyun from worrying, and he grins brightly at him as he walks out the bedroom door with his clothes in his arms. “I’ll be out soon, okay?”

“Okay,” Jonghyun mumbles, quite different from his usual noisy self.

As Jinki gets into the shower he tries to forget the look on Jonghyun’s face, because he’s frightened by the way it makes him feel.

-

“We need more milk,” Jonghyun decides, pushing a shopping cart while Jinki tags along beside him. “Can you think of anything else we’re getting low on?”

“Everything?” Jinki supplies unhelpfully. As the two of them walk through the supermarket he wonders why they were stupid enough not to make a grocery list before setting out. His parents always made a list and often sent Jinki out shopping once he got his driver’s license, but organization is the last thing on his mind when his world has been turned upside-down. At least the supermarket is the way he remembered it, proof that some things can remain static and normal when his life is blown to pieces.

It isn’t a huge comfort, but at least it’s something.

Jonghyun adds a carton of milk to their shopping cart and stares at the aisle they’re in, thinking hard about what they need in their poorly stocked kitchen. “What do you want for dinner tonight?” he asks Jinki.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, come on. I’ll let you decide.”

“I really don’t mind,” Jinki insists. Despite the familiarity of the supermarket he still feels lost and can’t make decisions, even when Jonghyun is pressuring him. “You go ahead and decide.”

“We’ll have chicken then. I know it’s your favorite.”

Jinki blinks. “Wait, how do you know that?”

“I’ve known you for five years and have lived with you for six months.” Jonghyun grins, though the smile doesn’t quite match his eyes. “How can I not know that, Jinki?”

Jinki suddenly feels like his privacy has been invaded, as if Jonghyun somehow found a way to look inside his head and determine his favorite food. “Oh. All right, then. Chicken sounds great.”

They continue their sporadic shopping, doubling back every time Jonghyun remembers something he forgot, and Jinki supposes this unpredictable method of shopping fits in with the rest of his current life. Perhaps he can say goodbye to structure and organization in his life, because it looks like his every waking moment will be dictated by chaos of some kind. He can’t decide if that’s a result of spending time with Jonghyun or simply his own confused predicament, and settles for a combination of both.

At first he thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him when they enter the produce section, but the longer he stares the more certain he becomes. There’s a boy looking over apples, turning them around to check for bruises, and he’s so bent on his task that he doesn’t catch Jinki staring at him. He looks young, probably in his first or second year of high school, and he occasionally has to flick his brown hair out of his eyes as he inspects the apples.

Jinki can hardly contain himself. “Taemin?”

The boy looks up, an apple clutched in his hand, while Jonghyun turns to stare at Jinki. “Taemin!” Jinki repeats, beckoning to the boy. “Over here.”

“What are you doing?” Jonghyun hisses at him.

“Do I know you?” Taemin asks, gazing at Jinki with wide eyes.

“It’s me. Jinki.”

“I don’t know anyone named Jinki.” Taemin places a couple of apples into a plastic bag and walks away, and Jinki feels like everything is turning upside-down all over again. Panic starts to build in his chest and he throws off Jonghyun’s anxious grasp on his arm so he can follow Taemin across the produce section. Jonghyun chases after him, abandoning their shopping cart, but Jinki ignores him and catches up to Taemin so he can drink in the refreshing sight of his face.

“Taemin, you’ve got to listen to me,” Jinki pleads. “We’ve been next-door neighbors for years. Our whole lives actually. You always came over so I could help you with your homework and you kept begging me to learn how to drive, remember?”

Taemin is gazing at Jinki like he’s an escaped lunatic, and even worse, he’s frightened. “How do you know my name?” He takes a nervous step backwards, keeping his eyes locked on Jinki. “Please stay away from me.”

“But Taemin. How can you not know me?”

“Jinki, what the hell? You’re scaring that kid.” Jonghyun grabs Jinki and pulls him away, and the other shoppers nearby stare at them. Somebody asks Taemin if he’s all right and Taemin nods before quickly darting away, disappearing into the store aisles. Jinki struggles against Jonghyun’s grip, panicked at letting Taemin out of his sight, but after a moment he realizes that Taemin won’t talk to him even if he does manage to catch up to him again. It’s the most depressing realization he’s had in the last two days.

“Taemin doesn’t know me,” Jinki says, feeling hollow inside as he stops struggling. “He doesn’t know me, Jonghyun. I don’t understand.”

Jonghyun takes hold of his hand and clutches it tightly, and his voice is gentle as he speaks. “You see? There’s no kid named Taemin living next door to us, you haven’t lived with your parents for six months, and everything else I’ve told you is the complete truth. You just need to calm down and try to remember.”

“If Taemin doesn’t know me, then how come I know him? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe you dreamed about him? Strange things like that happen sometimes.”

“I’m crazy, aren’t I?”

“I didn’t say that, Jinki.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it? There must be something wrong with me.”

Jonghyun keeps Jinki’s hand in his grasp and guides him to the shopping cart, and Jinki follows along numbly. He could have sworn he knew a boy named Taemin, yet when he checked Taemin’s house he discovered a stranger living there and Taemin doesn’t recognize him. Nothing is certain anymore and he’s beginning to think that maybe Jonghyun was right all along, and this right here is reality.

“Let’s go home,” Jonghyun says quietly. “Unless there’s someplace you want to go.”

“Where do we usually go?” Jinki asks. “I want to remember everything. I want to be normal again.”

“Let’s pay for this stuff and get out of here first.”

The atmosphere has changed dramatically and Jonghyun doesn’t smile or joke around as he buys their groceries and hands half of the bags to Jinki. Jinki is so used to seeing Jonghyun’s talkative, easy-going side that he doesn’t know how to behave around his serious side and remains silent as they head home, and by the time they enter the house he just wants to collapse into bed and go back to sleep. This feeling has taken hold of him quite frequently in the last twenty-four hours and he wonders if he’ll spend the rest of his life wanting to hide from the world and sleep his problems away.

Maybe this is where he belongs after all. Maybe he’s just crazy. Jinki doesn’t want to think about it anymore and helps Jonghyun put away the groceries.

Jonghyun’s cell phone rings as Jinki is putting the chicken away and Jinki suddenly remembers that he couldn’t find his phone yesterday. Does he even have a cell phone? Perhaps he’s only imagining that he owns a cell phone, just like he imagined that Taemin lived next door and struck up a friendship with him, and he finishes putting the groceries away while Jonghyun leans against the kitchen counter and answers his call.

“That was Key,” Jonghyun says as he snaps his phone shut. “He asked how you’re doing and wants to check up on you again. You can’t just hide out here all day, so we’re going to go see him in about ten minutes, all right?”

“That’s fine,” says Jinki. He still has Taemin on his mind and can’t forget how much it hurt to see Taemin stare at him in fear, and he’s more than willing to let Jonghyun drag him out of the house again and catch a bus to Key’s house. Key just started college and is still living at home, according to Jonghyun, who’s back to his normal self as he chats to Jinki on the bus ride. The three of them attended the same high school together, though Jonghyun has known Key longer than Jinki has, and Jinki processes all this new information and tries to remember. He doesn’t recognize the house they arrive at or even the street it’s located on, but he puts a smile on his face and pretends that all is well as he follows Jonghyun through the front door.

Jinki is a bit awkward around Key, especially when Key fires questions at both him and Jonghyun concerning Jinki’s well-being, and Key finally grabs him by the wrist to inspect him again. “Jinki, you have to snap out of this,” Key says quietly, keeping a tight grip on Jinki’s wrist. “Do you remember anything at all?”

Jinki struggles to recall something that corresponds with the reality he woke up in yesterday, but he can only remember living at home with his parents his whole life, making friends with the kid next door, and driving a white car to college every day. “I was driving,” Jinki murmurs. “Before all this craziness happened, I was driving to school and that’s the last thing I know.”

“You don’t drive,” Key informs him. “And you don’t go to school anymore.”

“He knows,” says Jonghyun. “We’ve already been through this.”

“Maybe you remember yourself driving to school because that’s what you wish you were doing, Jinki.” says Key, ignoring Jonghyun. “Do you wish you were back in school?”

Jinki vaguely remembers that Jonghyun told him he only went to college for two years, then stopped going and got a job from some magazine staff. He hasn’t yet decided on whether or not he likes Key, but he can’t deny that Key has a point. “I don’t know. Sometimes I felt like I was only attending college to please my parents, but I liked the classes well enough and never fell behind. Why did I quit?”

“Money,” Jonghyun replies. “Plus you got a job offer.”

Jinki is having a hard time imagining this and suddenly feels suffocated within Key’s living room. “Can we, um… go somewhere? Go outside maybe?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jonghyun says quickly, before Key can open his mouth. “Anything you want, Jinki.”

“Yeah,” says Key, exchanging glances with Jonghyun. “Anything you want.”

The three of them go for a walk and Jinki tries not to feel like a third wheel as Jonghyun and Key chatter to each other, talking about people and places he doesn’t recognize. He wonders why he’s the one who lives with Jonghyun when Jonghyun and Key are obviously close, close enough to be siblings practically. Every time Jinki starts to believe he’s making sense of this world, he gets confused again and feels like he’s right back where he started, as clueless as ever.

He’s amazed that Jonghyun bothers to put up with him at all.

Part Two