Twilight! 1
Okay you guys, I have a present for you.
I read Twilight. Or, you know, about 80% of it. I couldn't make it through the last bit but I'm pretty sure how it ended.
To make it through, I was writing a parody summarization of it as I went.
And now, to save you the fate of having to read it and understand what happens... I will post it.
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TWILIGHT
CHAPTER ONE
BELLA: My life sucks so much! I chose to move to a stupid town in Washington and I’m bitching about it the whole way! My dad is sweet and generous and caring and works hard for me and still loves my mom but I totally hate him and refuse to see him as my father, I’m just going to call him by his first name, because he’s obviously such a jerk.
FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: Hi!
BELLA: FUCK YOU I HATE YOU.
FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: :(
ERIC: Hi I’m a friendly person! But I have oily hair and pimples.
BELLA: Oh ew. Go away.
EVERYONE ELSE: OMG you are so cool and we all love you!
BELLA: You’re all lame, go away.
PRETTY PEOPLE: *ignore her*
BELLA: OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO COOL AND JUST LIKE ME, WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS. They’re like albinos just like me only I’m not albino and I’m overusing that horrible horrible joke! Who ARE they?
GIRL WHO BELLA DOES NOT DEEM IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO REMEMBER: *boring history about them*
BELLA: Oh my God they are SO INTERESTING.
GIRL WHO IS SUDDENLY NAMED JESSICA: Well I guess so. They are also new, by the way.
BELLA: *gasp* We’re like soul mates. Who is that one, the prettiest?
JESSICA: Too pretty to date, also known as Edward.
BELLA: I LOVE HIM.
NEXT CLASS: I HAVE EDWARD YAAAY.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: *FURY GLARE OUT OF NOWHERE*
BELLA: :*( But my hair smells like strawberries.
EDWARD: You’re icky.
OTHER GUY BELLA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT: I’m Mike and we have the next class together!
BELLA: Ew, Edward’s prettier than you.
MIKE: He hates you, though. It’s pretty much obvious. If I sat next to you, I would have proposed marria-- er, talked to you.
BELLA: Whatever, nerd.
THE OFFICE: Look, I have Edward!
BELLA: Yay then I’m here too!
EDWARD: I don’t like that stinky chick and would like to switch classes.
BELLA: :*( But I love you.
EDWARD: Ugh, you’re here. Screw this.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
---
Gasp! How will this epic romance survive when Edward cannot stand the fact that Bella smells like rotting eggs and skunk ass?? STAY TUNED TO KNOW THEIR TRAGIC ROMEO AND JULIET ROMANCE OF LEGEND!
Continue on to Chapter Two...
I read Twilight. Or, you know, about 80% of it. I couldn't make it through the last bit but I'm pretty sure how it ended.
To make it through, I was writing a parody summarization of it as I went.
And now, to save you the fate of having to read it and understand what happens... I will post it.
---
TWILIGHT
CHAPTER ONE
BELLA: My life sucks so much! I chose to move to a stupid town in Washington and I’m bitching about it the whole way! My dad is sweet and generous and caring and works hard for me and still loves my mom but I totally hate him and refuse to see him as my father, I’m just going to call him by his first name, because he’s obviously such a jerk.
FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: Hi!
BELLA: FUCK YOU I HATE YOU.
FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: :(
ERIC: Hi I’m a friendly person! But I have oily hair and pimples.
BELLA: Oh ew. Go away.
EVERYONE ELSE: OMG you are so cool and we all love you!
BELLA: You’re all lame, go away.
PRETTY PEOPLE: *ignore her*
BELLA: OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO COOL AND JUST LIKE ME, WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS. They’re like albinos just like me only I’m not albino and I’m overusing that horrible horrible joke! Who ARE they?
GIRL WHO BELLA DOES NOT DEEM IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO REMEMBER: *boring history about them*
BELLA: Oh my God they are SO INTERESTING.
GIRL WHO IS SUDDENLY NAMED JESSICA: Well I guess so. They are also new, by the way.
BELLA: *gasp* We’re like soul mates. Who is that one, the prettiest?
JESSICA: Too pretty to date, also known as Edward.
BELLA: I LOVE HIM.
NEXT CLASS: I HAVE EDWARD YAAAY.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: *FURY GLARE OUT OF NOWHERE*
BELLA: :*( But my hair smells like strawberries.
EDWARD: You’re icky.
OTHER GUY BELLA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT: I’m Mike and we have the next class together!
BELLA: Ew, Edward’s prettier than you.
MIKE: He hates you, though. It’s pretty much obvious. If I sat next to you, I would have proposed marria-- er, talked to you.
BELLA: Whatever, nerd.
THE OFFICE: Look, I have Edward!
BELLA: Yay then I’m here too!
EDWARD: I don’t like that stinky chick and would like to switch classes.
BELLA: :*( But I love you.
EDWARD: Ugh, you’re here. Screw this.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
---
Gasp! How will this epic romance survive when Edward cannot stand the fact that Bella smells like rotting eggs and skunk ass?? STAY TUNED TO KNOW THEIR TRAGIC ROMEO AND JULIET ROMANCE OF LEGEND!
Continue on to Chapter Two...