Matchmaker Matchmaker (or Brides for Barter)

[shipshapeshipco]

There are three constants to be expected when walking on a brisk Corsican afternoon: a warm breeze at your tail, an impassioned support (or contentious rebuttal) of the radical new chestnut-tree tax, and an unprovoked invitation to wed a charming if not slightly bemused local girl

Comments

[brynkitten]

Sam as much as I appreciate your good intentions...I don't really think that trying to get me married off is the best idea.

[She is not a horse up for auction and the resulting offers or lack of offers is not going to be great for the ego likely.]

[shipshapeshipco]

And she appears from the skies once again!

My dear heavenly guardian, don't be so modest! Though probably slightly plain in your own glimmering realm, here on the earthly side of the celestial coin you've quite the handsome form. You've nothing to worry about!

[brynkitten]

[Bryn laughed nervously.]

I've got a lot to worry about if you're holding me up for auction when I'm uhm...

[She couldn't say she was taken persay or not available but...]

...this really seems like a bad idea, Sam.

[shipshapeshipco]

Pish-Posh-Pickles-and-Poppycock, Porcelain-and-Pancakes! It's a lovely idea, and you deserve the best. And how does one find the best? By putting oneself on the auction block, of course!

[blitzmeister]

[He has no idea what you just said, but it sounded DAMN pretty.]

[blitzmeister]

Got some of that smooth tongue left over for any others?

[Oh he is so drunk.]

[shipshapeshipco]

My tongue is always available for a bit more working, if you have some surfaces it has yet to cover!

1/2

[blitzmeister]

[.... what]

[heavyweaponsbot]

... You are... selling females?

[shipshapeshipco]

Mercy, no! Not selling. I'm merely transferring them to you in exchange for goods or services rendered!

[heavyweaponsbot]

... That sounds like the same thing.

[shipshapeshipco]

No no, a common misconception. My version had quite a few more syllables, you see.

May I suggest the Mimmi to you, sir? You seem a man of distinguished taste- by which I mean "a man who enjoys young foreign girls." Now that sounds the same!

[electronichound]

I'll take one.

[shipshapeshipco]

A fine man! And judging by the rasp in your voice, I'd say a man who has the means to care for a woman with finer tastes. May I recommend to you Isabella, the white-skinned Spanish Señorita?

Or do you prefer a girl with bounce in her step as well as her beet-red curls? Miss Kate may be the one you seek!

[electronichound]

I need one accustomed to carrying water and submitting to marital relations with a minimum of silent crying as she stares up at the ceiling and thinks back to what her mother told her:

"They can't legally kill you anymore, but if you don't bear a son you'll be nothing but a shameful embarassment to us for all your days."

She should be able to pick up around the house, too.

[hadalotofsugar]

[SILENCE. But if you strain really hard you might hear snickers.]

[teethofneedles]

I'll take one.

Used is fine.

[shipshapeshipco]

I only deal in the freshest of fruit, but if you'd prefer more lived-in accommodations I could always fish out the Major.

At least I am treated to a bit of youthful enthusiasm. You're quite a lively one!

[teethofneedles]

Yeah, for now. Tell me about this Fraulein.

he's enjoying this.

[shipshapeshipco]

A fine girl from the Black Forest, her doe-eyes looking up at you as you read the stories of the Grimms together. She asked you if she's as striking as the girl in red, and you tell her the very sight of her turns you into a wolf, hungry and lusting for her flesh.

Sausages and beer every morning, soft words in Yiddish every night. What is there more that a man can desire?