[selu] 带我到会有你的地方，永远都一起走。[1/2]
带我到会有你的地方，永远都在一起走。
sehun/lu han; pg13; ~13800 w
post-disbandment!au: where they travel the world to find themselves. and somewhere along the way, they fall in love.
//
勋。
sehun first meets lu han when they are both scrawny, nondescript and afraid. in the beginning both of them are nothing but sharp accents in bony wrists and narrow shoulders, shy smiles tugging uncertainly at the corners of their mouths because they feel like strangers, outsiders in this training room packed to the brim with loud voices, rising and falling and clashing together to create an entire cacophony. the constant chatter isn’t the only the thing to deal with - there are so many people who all seem to know each other better than he could ever hope for, the effortless friendship and easy laughter they share something he envies with his entire being. sehun fidgets nervously as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, feeling awkward and unwieldy even though he got into sm entertainment by dancing and what is this, dancers aren’t supposed to be anything but graceful. but here sehun just feels so alone and disgruntled and hey, maybe this wasn’t the right choice after all.
just then, however, sehun spots another boy who looks almost as lost as he feels, his mouth slightly open and a dazed look in his eyes. almost as if he were saying i didn’t sign up for this, what am i even doing here. sehun takes a deep breath and begins edging closer to this stranger in whom he can see himself, discreetly sidestepping a boy who’s popping and locking vigorously in the middle of the room. maybe, just maybe, a friend will make the coming years of training more bearable.
“hey,” he begins as he approaches the boy, holding out a hand. “i’m sehun,” he introduces himself, and he cringes at how his lisp always shows up when he’s nervous. fortunately, though, the stranger doesn’t seem to mind. after all, he isn’t teasing sehun for not being able to pronounce his ‘s’-es or even worse, running away, so sehun takes that as a good sign and waits expectantly for the boy to reciprocate.
“i’m lu han,” the boy murmurs softly in return, blinking up at sehun (even in the beginning, sehun had been a little taller) with his large eyes, almost as if he couldn’t believe sehun was actually here, talking to him. maybe this is what happens when two lonely people collide - neither of them can actually believe that the other would care enough to want to find them. to want to get to know them, if only to make the gaping hole inside go away. to make the effort to delve deep beyond shallow appearances and forage into the unexplored galaxies that the human mind and heart can unexpectedly contain.
sehun smiles, just a tentative uplifting of the corners of his mouth, and lu han reciprocates in kind. this is how their friendship begins, simple and natural as breathing.
//
鹿。
everything is fine for three years. alternatively, give and take three years and things change. puberty hits sehun hard and he shoots up, long legs dwarfing lu han’s and his broad shoulders slowly becoming lu han’s favorite place to rest his head after a gruelling practice. puberty had also been kind to sehun, her favor shining down on him; sehun has always been goodlooking, but growing up has turned him from a pretty flower boy to a handsome young man. meanwhile, lu han looks just like how he did three years ago, just a little more toned and a lot less scrawny, but his face remains eternally youthful-looking and he pouts whenever sehun teases him for not growing at all.
(“maybe you’re actually peter pan in disguise,” sehun laughs as he pats lu han’s head patronisingly, flaunting the added advantage of height and causing lu han to scowl at him fiercely. the effect, of course, is muted by lu han’s cute little button nose and large eyes. ferocious? what ferocity, sehun scoffs in his mind. to him, his lu han-hyung can never be ferocious.)
(lu han is surprised when one day he looks at sehun and finds that the shy boy from so long ago is gone, replaced by someone with a sharpened jawline and shadow on his chin when he forgets to shave. there is something jarring, something unnerving about realising these things, almost as if the world had spun a full resolution around the sun without his notice.)
still, sehun is the same old unfailingly clingy boy he was three years ago, always sticking to his favorite lu han-hyung and nobody else. lu han-hyung, i want bubble tea, can we go to that shop again? they have the best tapioca pearls. lu han-hyung, chanyeol’s bullying me again, make him stop!! lu han-hyung, lu han-hyung, always lu han-hyung, because sehun has been relying on nobody else since the beginning and lu han is gratified to have it stay that way.
(“i want to travel the world,” sehun tells lu han one day as they’re sprawled on the training room floor with a few others, sweat trickling down the sides of their faces and breathing ragged from physical exertion.
“so do i,” lu han breathes, his eyes filled with stars at the thought of all those exotic and far-flung countries on the other side of the world.
“yeah. i wanted to do it ever since i was a kid, you know? i mean, i want to go out and just explore. after all, the world’s so big and we’re all just tiny compared to it, and there’s just... so much to see. and i want to. i want to go out there and see everything,” sehun finishes with a loud exhale, conviction strong in his voice.
lu han doesn’t answer, humming in reply instead. what he’s never really told sehun, of course, is that his desire to travel, his wanderlust, actually stems from something different. of course the desire to explore is present, but running underneath is actually the want - no, the need - to find a place where he actually feels a sense of belonging, a sense of home. china hasn’t been home for a while, tinged with too much nostalgia with the hole in his heart still open and unresolved. seoul isn’t home, because how can it be when his tongue refuses to curl around unfamiliar languages and dialects, refuses to acclimatize to the spiciness present in every single meal?
“we will,” sehun smiles satisfiedly, and he sounds so certain lu han wants nothing more than to just believe, to be able to carry the faith as blindly as sehun does. “as soon as we debut, we will.”
//
they both cry when the announcement about debut comes. the higher-ups call twelve of them into the office, all of them cramped together in one tiny space stepping on each other’s shoes and complaining under their breath. sehun’s crammed in between chanyeol and jongin, both of whom seem to take great amusement in ruffling his hair. also because both of them are two of the few who can actually reach sehun’s head, thank you very much. baekhyun and jongdae stopped trying a few months ago, to sehun’s (evil) glee.
when the words finally fall ( you guys are going to debut together in a group called exo, the management says but sehun hears something else. congrats, your youth hasn’t been wasted. you’ve made it this far, you’ve all made it. rings in his head) sehun grins wide, the widest he’s ever smiled in for the longest time he can remember and when his eyes meet lu han’s from across the room, the blatant surprise and excitement he can read in lu han’s gaze blows him away.
“we made it, lu han-hyung!” he calls to lu han and watches as his voice carries across the room amongst the chaos and it’s so reminiscient of their first meeting, what with all the noise and the feeling that there was only the two of them in the world. the difference this time, though, is that now sehun never feels lonely any more, because he has his lu han-hyung and ten new groupmates to boot.
//
鹿。
“looks like sehun’s our maknae then, eh?” minseok grins and nods at the tall boy fondly from across the room, but his gaze is faraway and lu han can kind of guess at what he’s thinking.
if sehun and jongin are the maknaes, doesn’t that mean that both of us are the eldest, then? doesn’t this mean that our expiration date will come sooner than most? doesn’t that mean people will get tired of us faster than they will of the rest?
but just then sehun grins at him from across the room, his eyes in dark crescents and the happiness in that smile is so genuine and lovely that lu han cannot help but push away the insecurities and smile weakly back.
//
勋/鹿。
idol life is hard, even harder without each other. the drift in their friendship is inevitable, being placed in different subgroups and all. whenever exo-m leaves for china they’re split tens of thousands of kilometres apart and although they try to keep in touch via apps like line or kakaotalk in the beginning it fizzles out after a while, since i’ll always see you when we get back, right? and even when m returns to korea, sehun feels an unbridgeable sort of distance between them, lu han growing closer to jongdae and yixing and minseok due to their shared experiences and private jokes, while he instead grows closer to jongin and chanyeol. even the fans notice, asking about where “hunhan” has gone, but they steer clear of those questions on the fanboards and if they were to be honest, neither of them know the answer.
(sehun looks at lu han laughing with minseok and jongin, talking about their favorite soccer teams and tricks, and wonders if that’s what jealously feels like.
lu han stares at sehun, chanyeol and jongin laughing uproariously, squeezed tightly together in front of one of the dressing room mirrors as they take a selca, and wonders if that’s what jealously feels like.)
still, it’s not to say that they forget about each other entirely. lu han is still the first and closest friend sehun’s made in the industry, and sehun holds a special place in lu han’s heart anyway. on the several occasions in which lu han loses himself in the questions about his choice of the idol life, sehun is always there to ground him and pull him back to reality and vice versa. the weight of a million eyes watching is sometimes too much to bear, but at those desperate times they know the exact way to help the other and together, they get through it.
“i don’t want this,” lu han chokes one day in the van on the way back to the hotel in taiwan after their fifth successive concert in as many weeks, skin pale and waxy in stark contrast to the dark eyebags under his eyes. to him, though, his haggard appearance is nothing, merely new battle scars to be covered up by concealer the next day.
wordlessly, sehun opens his arms and lu han falls into them, because at this point in time he is merely so exhausted he honestly doesn’t want to give a damn. still, he needn’t have worried because all the members leave them alone. nobody pokes fun at them or (even worse) catcalls obnoxiously, and sehun is grateful because he doesn’t think either of them have the patience to deal with that right now. of course, jongdae doesn’t pass up the opportunity to shoot them a quick waggle of his eyebrows, but kyungsoo slaps a hand rudely over his face before telling him to shut up and sehun shoots his hyung a quick thank you glance. when they reach the dorms, lu han is already asleep in sehun’s hold and junmyeon quietly agrees to swap rooms for the night.
“thank you, junmyeon-hyung,” sehun whispers quietly at the doorway of the dark room and junmyeon smiles in return. nodding a goodnight to his leader, sehun pads into the room and sets lu han down on the bed gently, not even bothering to wake him up to brush his teeth or change into his pajamas because he knows lu han honestly wouldn’t appreciate it. gently, sehun drags over the blanket from his own bed and covers lu han with it, tucking him in to make sure he’s warm.
sehun wakes up the next morning cold and shivering to the fleeting feeling of lips on his cheek and a blanket being thrown over him, but when he finally pulls himself out of dreamland and rolls over, the door is already swinging shut and there is nobody else in the room.
of course, lu han is not alone in his insecurity. sehun loses himself occasionally in the bright lights and pressure to be perfect, but lu han always pulls him back to the present and teaches him to smile like how he did when they found out they were about to debut. that smile has stayed with lu han throughout the years, and he’s not about to forget it so soon. there are some things that are precious, that should be stored deep inside a vault of memories never to be lost or forgotten. sehun’s smile is one of them.
it’s three am in the morning and lu han is awakened by the sound of their room door swinging open. a dark figure pads in, tall and lanky and lu han sighs. reaching out for the lamp on his bedside table, he flicks the switch and suddenly the room is bathed in a warm orange glow, revealing a very startled-looking sehun.
“sehun-ah, what are you doing?” lu han yawns as sehun begins fidgeting awkwardly again, uncomfortable at being discovered. lu han’s heart aches; no matter how much sehun has grown physically, at his heart he is still the same awkward boy lu han met so long ago and nothing else will convince him otherwise. a sudden surge of protectiveness and indiscernible emotion rushes through him as he tries not to break their shared gaze, eyes never once leaving sehun’s.
“um. i. went back to practice,” sehun finally mumbles unwillingly when he sees that lu han’s refusing to back down. “i couldn’t really remember our past dance routines, especially the one for ‘growl’ because that one’s difficult and it’s been so long since we came back with that song, and i’m really sorry i woke you up please go back to sleep now --”
“shh,” lu han shushes his incoherent rambling, holding a finger to his lips and sehun shuts up immediately. “take a shower and go to bed immediately, okay? don’t push yourself too hard.” sehun nods, grateful at being forgiven, before grabbing his sleep shirt from his unmade bed and slinking into the shower.
lu han sinks back into bed, staring at the empty ceiling in the dark and his mind wandering. he only falls back to sleep after sehun gets back into bed and lets the rhythmic sound of his breathing lull him back into dreamland.
//
鹿。
the news about disbandment isn’t unexpected. they had been nearing the end of their contract and their popularity was waning; new groups had come to take their place and only a small group of loyal fans were left.
lu han had always thought that exo would last. after all, he’d slept dreamt breathed exo for the past decade (and more, if you count trainee period), let the flames consume him so wholeheartedly and the ashes settle in his bones, blending in with the white like they’d belonged there from the start.
management calls them into the small, cramped office once again and this time everyone knows what it’s for. there are no tears, only nostalgic smiles and whispers of ‘it was pretty fucking great while it lasted’ snaking their way around the room. yixing smiles placidly, already letting it go, while chanyeol and baekhyun start recounting their moments of triumph. lu han, though, hides himself away in a corner of the room, choosing not to partake in any of the festivities going around. he doesn’t understand how everyone’s laughing, how they’re all so happy when he feels the gaping emptiness inside again, like someone took a shovel and scraped out all of his vital organs. how they’re all smiling so brightly when he feels like he’s too empty to even cry.
it worsens when he looks up and sees sehun laughing, in the middle of narrating yet another anecdote about kris. about how he hadn’t known what ‘coke’ was called and coined the term ‘black soda drink’ instead. lu han watches as kris scowls and pretends to be pissed but everyone can see that he’s trying to hide his embarrassed smile, and it hurts; it hurts because he already misses that easy companionship, the effortless camaraderie that comes with spending every day with the same group of boisterous, rowdy friends. it hurts because he’s already starting to miss how well the members know each other after spending so many years together and because he knows time and distance apart will severly test the friendships formed over the years. what’s the point? even if we do organise reunions in the future, it’s never going to be the same, isn’t it? bitter thoughts flood his brain endlessly and the loss is already starting to gnaw away at him, inevitable and so, so painful.
so lost in his own brooding thoughts, lu han doesn’t notice the thud of footsteps, looking up only when a long shadow falls over him.
“hey hyung,” sehun says softly, reaching down to help him up. “‘sup?”
lu han doesn’t know why sehun’s asking, because surely the reason for his despair must already be painted bright and loud and garish on his face.
“nothing,” he murmurs, then, almost as if he can’t help himself, “it’s just that i don’t know how all of you can be so happy about this.” he can’t continue, the angry words choking and suffocating, lodged painfully in his windpipe.
sehun is silent for a while before answering. “oh, hyung. we’re not happy, per se. we’re just letting it go peacefully because we can either do that or kick up a huge fuss and refuse to leave. but if we’re going to go, then we’d better go out in style, right? plus... i’ve got a surprise for you, i’ll show you back at the dorm.” he adds the last part almost bashfully, making lu han’s head whip up as lu han turns to stare at him.
(chanyeol walks by just then and overhears the last part of their conversation, interjecting with ‘yah, sehun, that sounds so suggestive’ and smirking. both of them ignore him, just like they always did whenever he said something stupid, it almost feels as if nothing has changed.)
//
“um. so. remember how during our trainee days we said we wanted to travel the world?” sehun begins nervously, his hands playing with the hem of his shirt and lu han nods, still not understanding where this conversation is going.
“well. i know we did on all our concerts and stuff but we weren’t really seeing it, since we were always rushing from place to place. so i thought we could… we could go again together,” and with that, sehun bites his lips and pulls out two airplane tickets from the pocket of his jeans.
athens, greece . the bolded words on the ticket stare up at lu han, the black words loud against the white paper as he looks at them without saying a word.
“um. i know this might not have been the best surprise and stuff but i remember you saying that you really wanted to travel and i thought that hey since now we have the money and time why not, right, and also i kind of planned a little travel route for us but if you wanna deviate from that it’s fine too and lu han-hyung why aren’t you saying anything please say something --” sehun’s rambling is cut off by a sound that sounds suspiciously like a muffled sob and a very emotional lu han launching himself face first at sehun, face buried in his chest and arms wound tight around his neck. sehun can feel the wetness of tears on the side of his neck and the way lu han is shaking in his arms isn’t exactly encouraging either, so he musters up the courage to pat lu han on the back timidly and mumble, “if you don’t want to go, we don’t have to… i can refund the tickets...”
“you idiot,” lu han chokes without bothering to lift his head. “of course i do, god, i just didn’t think anyone would do this for me --” before he’s cut off by another round of crying and sehun can do nothing but pat him awkwardly on the back. damn.
kris passes by, glances through the open door and sees them in their compromising position. he raises an eyebrow at sehun, mouthing shut the god damn door and sehun flips him off. ah, the sweet joy of not being the maknae anymore. now he can be as rude to his hyungs as he likes without having to worry about being saddled with the most undesirable jobs, such as washing everyone else’s dishes or doing their laundry for an entire week.
ten days till we set off.
//
鹿。
december first comes around in a blink of an eye and before they know it, sehun and lu han are gathered at incheon airport waiting for their flight. they’d left in a flurry of goodbyes, all of exo wishing them a safe trip and much fun. kris had come up to lu han, slung an arm around his shoulders and told him to ‘appreciate sehun, that boy is so good to you’ and lu han had nodded fervently. now, looking at sehun fast asleep under the dim overhead lights of the plane, the poor lighting doing nothing to hide his long eyelashes and sharp nose, lu han realises how true kris’s words actually are.
leaning over, lu han brushes away several stray strands of hair that have fallen over sehun’s face, touch light and careful not to wake the sleeping boy. there’s a certain special sort of silence, unbroken by anything. it’s as if both of them are surrounded by a bubble in which time is suspended and there is only the steady inhale-exhale of sehun breathing in REM sleep and lu han’s heartbeat, thumping and pulsing against his ribcage.
sehun stirs and the moment is broken, a small smile appearing on his face as he struggles to find a comfortable position before falling even deeper back into sleep. startled by the sudden movement, lu han leans back into his own seat and turns on the in-flight entertainment, choosing instead to lose his thoughts in silly b-grade movies peppered with bomb explosions and even more lousy jokes.
they land in athens eleven hours later, lu han feeling cramped and slightly claustrophobic. he stands up and stretches, relishing in the feeling of his muscles being able to move again. besides him, sehun yawns and wakes up, his eyes still unfocused and blurry from sleep. he looks like a puppy, lu han thinks. so cute.
“wake up, sleepyhead,” lu han laughs. “we’re in athens. time to start the first stage of our adventure!” there’s a certain excitement running through him, thrumming through his veins even though he’s exhausted from not being able to sleep on the plane and his eyes hurt from watching four movies straight in a row. still, despite all the physical discomfort, the fact that he’s out of seoul for a reason other than performing is starting to get to him, the desire to get out and explore overpowering any other kind of fatigue.
“fat hope,” sehun yawns once more. “we’re going to go to the hotel, sleep off the jetlag, then go out after we’re well-rested. don’t think i don’t know you stayed up through the night watching crappy movies,” he finishes, looking up at lu han admonishingly and lu han finds that he can do nothing but pout before surrendering.
“fine. but only if you promise that we’ll go out for dinner and stay out to explore.”
//
that night, they end up in the plaka area, walking around looking for food (“you’re in greece, sehun, don’t tell me you want to look for korean food! i swear to god, i will kick your butt”). after they’re done, they walk around the street stalls selling little trinkets and jewellery, both of them trading little bits and pieces of greek myths and folklore they’d heard while growing up. sehun tells him about hercules, the man whose strength was unmatched, and in turn lu han tells sehun about medusa and poseidon, who once loved each other.
both of them return to the hotel with their heads buzzing, full of the legends and excitement. that’s when sehun gets an idea, running into the bathroom while saying ‘hold on, i’ll be right back’ and lu han peering curiously after him. he doesn’t have to wait too long, though, before sehun steps out of the bathroom without his shirt and a towel draped over himself like a toga, causing lu han to burst into howls of uncontrollable laughter as sehun parades in front of him like he’s on the fucking runway.
“what is wrong with you,” lu han wheezes as sehun flexes his biceps proudly.
sehun merely shakes his head and smiles that smile again, saying, “now it’s your turn, hyung” before practically shoving lu han into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him.
his cheeks still aching with laughter, lu han sighs and shakes his head before resigning himself to the sorry fate that is surely to follow, picking up one of the spare towels lying around.
the next day when they visit the acropolis and the parthenon, the tour guide tells them stories about ancient greece, things like the history and myths worming their way into the air. sehun and lu han share a look and it’s all lu han can do to keep his laughter down. opening the camera app on his phone to take a picture of sehun and himself posing in front of the ruins, he catches a glimpse of both of them and their little impromptu costume party from last night, causing both of them to break down into silly giggles all over again. and halfway through their laughing fit, lu han snaps the picture.
“hey! take another one, i wasn’t ready,” sehun complains and lu han obliges even though that picture turns out to be one of his favorites. not because they’re surrounded by picturesque scenery and beautiful blue sky, but because they look unbelievably carefree, as if the world had stopped spinning (if only for a moment) and in that split second there was only the two of them.
he doesn’t tell sehun, but he sets it as his lockscreen wallpaper and it remains unchanged until they get back to seoul.
three days later, they get bored of greece and book tickets to italy. rome is similar to athens, the colosseum reminding sehun of the parthenon with the only exception being the stories, which are a lot bloodier. venice is more fun, both of them venturing out into the weak winter sunshine in search of good gelato roadside stalls despite the fact that the winds are chilly and they need to shove their hands into their jacket pockets. lu han even tries to steal some of sehun’s strawberry sorbet after he’s polished off his own, sehun batting him off with one hand while holding the cone high above his head with the other and lu han glares at him because he can’t reach.
“you’re a dick,” lu han glowers as sehun chuckles, still holding the ice cream up high in a continued attempt to tease lu han, who merely kicks him in the shin before stomping away.
“OW - hey, wait, i didn’t mean it! hyung! come back!!”
they are careful and cautious in rome, too afraid of the tales of innocent tourists getting mugged. or worse, “slashed to death with a rusty pocket knife and left to rot somewhere in a shady back alley,” sehun whimpers and lu han has to hit him on the shoulder and tell him that he’s read too many horror stories.
“shut up,” sehun sulks. “i only worry because i care, okay,” he mumbles abruptly and clams up after that, leaving lu han stunned and speechless. the air after that is filled with tension, neither of them speaking much for the night but lu han makes up for it the next morning when he goes out and buys sehun breakfast from the cafe right next to the hotel, stuffing a huge slice of pizza in sehun’s face with a remorseful look in his eyes and sehun relents.
in the day they walk down tiny side streets and admire the architecture, doing idiotic things like ducking into sidewalk cafes to try their coffees and subsequently staying up till four am in the morning because neither of them can fall asleep. at night, they head down to the pier to see if they can rent a gondola, sehun excited over getting the chance to sail down the grand canal while lu han’s just along for the ride. still, the glide of the boat is steady and smooth, bringing about a sense of peace. idly, sehun trails his hand along in the water as the boat moves, imagining a time when there was nothing but ships and small ferries. halfway through the ride, lu han even begins to hum a familiar song, the notes aching and bittersweet. sehun remembers it as baby don’t cry, one of their slower songs, one of those he’d always liked best.
the multicolored glow of the city lights sparkle and reflect on the dark water, almost as if the stars had fallen from the sky and floated to the surface instead of sinking. quietly, sehun watches numerous buildings pass by, the red brick and stucco providing a certain sense of comfort, like those country cottages he’d always seen in the picture books he used to read as a kid. glancing over at lu han, sehun sees the other boy leaning back relaxed in the boat, the same sense of tranquility creeping in, lu han finally looking relaxed for the first time in forever.
surrounded by beauty and the soft humming, sehun watches venice glide by and swears to remember.
//
“i’ve always wanted to go to switzerland,” sehun says.
“okay then, let’s go,” lu han finishes, glancing over at the boy sprawled out on his bed. “oi, you’re on my bed, go back to your own.”
sehun glances over at him, widens his eyes and sticks out his bottom lip and oh no, lu han knows what’s coming. oh sehun and his blasted aegyo.
“but it’s cold and they didn’t give us enough blankets when they cleaned the room today and the receptionist would skin us alive if we were to ask for new ones at midnight --”
“no.”
“please?”
“no, sehun, no.”
“...”
“didn’t you get over this, like, the first year after we debuted or something?”
“...”
“jesus, i’ll let you stay here, okay, just wipe that stupid expression of your face.” lu han finally concedes defeat as he frowns at sehun, the boy now rolling about with glee at being able to stay on lu han-hyung’s bed tonight. really, as old as sehun looks, he’s still a child inside and that hasn’t changed since debut.
lu han falls asleep that night curled up in sehun’s hold, his head on sehun’s chest instead of his own pillow because sehun is a frigging pillow-hogger who shouldn’t even be on his bed in the first place. still, he can’t deny that this feels right, feels safe and secure and familiar even though it should feel strange on so many other levels.
the thoughts are loud and scary in his head, and lu han only stops thinking when sehun mumbles “go to sleep, hyung, quit tossing and turning” and lu han really wants to retort with shut up, you wanted to sleep here but then sehun holds him a little tighter, a little closer and the protests die on his lips.
//
勋。
switzerland is breathtaking. the mountain scenery is beautiful, lu han’s eyes especially bright when the tour bus brings them up the winding road and they see the glorious swiss alps spread out in all their glory to their right. above them the sky is a shade of the clearest, cleanest blue, untouched by the industrial smog and haze that they’ve remembered seeing taint their skies since forever. the sun shines brightly but neither of them mind, the warmth preventing them from freezing completely in the european winter. here, with this cloudless sky so clean sehun thinks it was what the sky first looked like when the world was made and lu han sitting beside him, nose pressed up close to the window and breath fogging up the glass, sehun is happy.
the bus driver stops the vehicle at the side of the road and allows them five minutes to take pictures, no more and no less, and lu han jumps out of the vehicle with a smile so bright it could have lit up the world.
“it’s so beautiful, shixun.” lu han’s eyes are wide with awe and sehun laughs. lu han only calls him shixun when he’s too distracted to think, slipping back into his native mandarin without a second thought.
“it is, though, isn’t it,” sehun replies, looking straight at lu han and lu han beams.
i wasn’t talking about the view, though.
switzerland is a time of sightseeing. not that athens and rome weren’t, but this time they steer clear of monuments and plunge into the wonders of nature instead. they visit the rhine falls, the winter wind doubly stinging, whipping their faces and attacking exposed fingers mercilessly. sehun snuffles and digs deeper in his backpack for an extra scarf and muffler while lu han hops excitedly out of the bus with his camera in hand and a trusty beanie covering his ears, sehun griping about the cold as he lags behind.
when sehun catches up, however, he sees lu han perched on the platform, looking at the gushing waters falling endlessly with the resounding ‘crash’ that comes from a ton of water falling a hundred and fifty metres onto solid rock. as he approaches, lu han turns, smile genuine and eyes twinkling as he says, almost inaudible over the waterfall, “thank you for kickstarting this whole trip, sehun-ah. i really needed the break away from life, to be honest. and if i were to explore the world with anyone, i’d rather it be you.”
sehun thinks the plunging sounds of the water can’t compare to how loud his heart is beating. he manages to choke out a ‘no problem’ and inches nearer to lu han, both of them just standing and looking at the majestic sight in front of them. close, but never touching.
//
鹿。
the day after the rhine falls, both of them wake up late in a tiny bed-and-breakfast room, the hotel tiny and quaint. lu han awakes first to the sun shining bright through the tiny window, casting shadows on the wooden floor. sitting up, he glances over to the nearby bed where sehun’s still snoring away, unaffected, and shakes his head fondly - sehun hasn’t stirred at all, his face turned away from the window and conveniently toward lu han.
sehun is pretty , lu han thinks, before immediately mentally kicking himself for even thinking it. of course sehun is pretty , lu han scolds himself, he used to be an ulzzang before debut --
debut . the word hits him with the force of a ten tonne truck, slamming into him as his heart twinges all over again with the thought of what he’s lost. he knows it’s stupid, knows it’s foolish to cling onto something already broken, but lu han doesn’t care. he thought he got over it already that day at the rhine falls, but now he realises that it’s unbelievably hard to let go of something that was once such a big part of his life. lu han thinks he’ll continue to hang on to memories of exo until his fingernails split and bleed, even if the rest of them have already left the sinking ship behind. it’s irrational of him, really, to be so attached, because he can understand why it was so easy for the rest of the members to leave the hopelessness behind and move on to bigger, better things. he just doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him.
sighing, lu han pulls the covers over his head, trying to will himself back to sleep just to block out the unhappy thoughts. just to forget for a while more.
this is why they don’t wake up until one in the afternoon, sehun still fighting off jet lag and lu han’s sleep unexpectedly peaceful. but still the brooding thoughts don’t go away, seep into his mind dark and vaporous and lu han knows that sehun can tell. it’s strange how this boy four years younger is so perceptive, knows him so innately he can discern his mood with a sharp-eyed glance. lu han only wishes he could do the same.
“that’s it,” sehun proclaims decisively. “we’re going to go do something happy.”
“shut up and brush your teeth first, your morning breath kills.”
they end up at a nearby park, the trees all missing their leaves. the branches are dark and bare, looking like craggy arms raised halfheartedly to the sky. lu han shivers, pulls his winter jacket a little tighter around himself and sehun notices.
“are you cold? here, take my scarf,” and sehun begins unwinding the dark cashmere material from around his neck, wrapping it securely around lu han’s instead. lu han fidgets, sehun’s close proximity uncomfortable but not exactly unwelcome. it’s strange, really, how this little moment of clarity plays out - all of a sudden he realises that sehun is tall, almost a head taller than himself, shoulders broad and protective over his. tall, yes, but strong - they look like comfortable shoulders to lean on, strong arms to be locked in, a far cry from the lanky trainee lu han first met over ten years ago.
lu han blushes, feels the heat rushing to his cheeks and just knows he’s turning pink. he’s sure sehun notices but the younger boy doesn’t say much, just smiles fondly at him and continues walking. fifteen minutes of quiet strolling later, they find a pond; secluded and small behind a bunch of trees. there are ducks and swans in the cold water, gliding about peacefully as they go on with life unaffected by the change in the weather. lu han just wishes he could be as unruffled.
sehun brings out the bag of bread they poached from the buffet table during lunch, taking a piece and passing the rest of the back to lu han. they feed the birds together, giggling at how all of them squabble even for the tiniest pieces of bread and cock their heads at the slightest hand motions. there’s even a scary moment when a black swan flaps its wings and somehow gets its feathery butt on land and begins waddling toward them, sehun stumbling comically backwards as he tries to flee from the intruder and get to safety. lu han giggles, throwing a large piece of bread back into the pond and effectively enticing the swan away.
“thanks for saving my ass,” sehun grins mischieviously, eyes bright as he looks down at lu han from where he’s perched on top of the hill, having run a great distance in a remarkably short time just to get away from the enemy.
“any time, princess,” lu han calls back easily and sehun mock-scowls.
“excuse me, if anything i’m the charming prince and you’re the damsel in distress,” sehun puffs out his cheeks and lu han rolls his eyes fondly.
“yeah, you’re a prince who ran away from a swan. real manly.”
switzerland gets boring after a while, and lu han proposes going to paris. sehun shrugs and lets him decide, thinking it’s only fair since he got to choose switzerland. they book the plane tickets on his phone and they don’t look back.
//
the charles de gaulle airport is crazy, a flood of people all speaking different languages rushing to catch connecting flights to countries all over the globe. sehun can’t help but feel a little lost, a little unsettled in the face of all this diversity. he can’t help thinking that he’s just a tiny pawn on the black and white board of life, and it scares him sometimes. it wasn’t that bad when they were still in exo, because back then they’d been famous and he’d felt that at least he’d had a place in the universe, could die knowing that for a short period of time he hadn’t been anonymous. wouldn’t be just another name on a weathered gravestone somewhere when he left for the last time.
it’s then that a fangirl catches sight of him, screaming “sehun-oppa! lu han-oppa!” as she spots both of them, and sehun cringes inwardly. schooling his features into the poker face he’s practiced and perfected over the years, he glances disinterestedly over at her, sardonically thinking that fate had probably been too kind to them so far. to run into one lone fangirl, after all, is better than having to push through rabid hordes of them every single time they landed somewhere.
“could i… could i get an autograph? please? only if you guys want to, of course,” and sehun acquisces. she seems nice, polite, much unlike the delusional ones they’d had the misfortunes to encounter during their career. sasaengs, the manager had proclaimed with a look of great distaste on his face. steer clear of those and you’ll be fine.
“sure,” he smiles, taking her pen and signing the notebook she digs out of her bag. “pass it to lu han-oppa too, please!” she squeals and sehun does so. lu han signs hastily and presses it back into her hands, smile faltering as he does so and sehun’s heart aches.
“thank you oppa!” she smiles brightly, clutching the precious notebook tight to her chest and for a moment sehun feels happy, remembers why he even agreed to become an idol in the first place. it wasn’t because he was especially talented - he wasn’t jongin or yixing, wasn’t baekhyun or jongdae or kyungsoo or minseok. it was because he wanted to make people happy, to be the kind of idol that fans could relate to. it had been tough, definitely, but little moments like these are enough to make him remember the good old days when it was enough to just exist. the girl’s next words, however, have him freezing in his tracks.
“are the two of you…?” she’s shy, afraid that she’s overstepped her boundaries, and belatedly he realises what she’s asking. before he can answer, though, lu han beats him to it, shaking his head furiously and laughing.
“oh no, no, sehun-ah and i are just together for a trip. just friends, nothing more.”
sehun tries to force a smile and join in the mirth, but somehow this smile feels foreign, immiscible like oil on water and he wonders if it’s obvious that his smile is merely a mask pasted over sad eyes. it’s not as if he hasn’t entertained the thought of lu han actually reciprocating, actually being in love with him too, but having it shot down right to his very face is kind of a mood spoiler.
the girl nods in understanding, thanking them once more and leaving. the cab ride to the hotel is silent, both of them lost in their own thoughts. it’s not a comfortable kind of silence.
>> | part ii