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[shreena]

Shreena's question of the day (I'm procrastinating) - when you're turning down an invitation to something, do you feel obliged to give a reason?  Similarly, when someone turns down an invitation of yours, do you want to know the reason

Comments

[kensson]

There's a story of Peter Cook declining an invitiation to a Royal Variety Show saying 'I have some television to watch that evening.'

[megamole]

Yes, I would like to know why. So that I don't mentally fill in the reason with "because they hate me and I smell of wee."

[shreena]

I think perhaps my problem is that I interpret some reasons as amounting to "because they don't like me very much" but I don't interpret no reason as amounting to that, I just assume that they had a good reason.

[cartesiandaemon]

I think I'm the reverse, possibly because most invitations I see are of a pretty informal type: "I don't feel like it" feels fine, if you invited someone to a party or cinema at the end of the week; "I can't come" makes me think "Ooh, am I missing out on something more fun? Should I stop inviting you?" :)

[atreic]

I like reasons. Not in a 'people must justify themselves to me all the time' but they can be interesting and helpful.

It does depend on the thing. If I spam all my friends on facebook with a generic party invite, I don't expect reasons. But when I'd already said I was going to a party, but had to cancel because of something else, I feel it's good to explain what the something else is.

[shreena]

I think it really depends on what the something else is. I've cancelled on people a couple of times now because a relative has died and "I'm sorry, I can't make it, my uncle died this morning" seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to say. But, sometimes, people cancel for reasons that amount to, "I got a better offer for a cooler party" and, personally, I'd rather not know that!

[kerrypolka]

If it's something somewhat justifiable, like "I have an exam" or "I'll be in America", then I give the reason. If I don't want to go to the thing, I handwave a bit about being really busy. I think this is what I prefer to hear from other people as well.

[robert_jones]

Unfortunately, now you've written about this strategy on LiveJournal, everyone will know what you mean when you say you're really busy.

[kerrypolka]

I wouldn't think it's an unheard-of code -- when I say it to or hear it from people, I take it as carrying a meaning of, "I'm really busy [and going to your party/event will take a lot of effort and/or energy which I don't have because I'm really busy]." If it's a party I'm ambivalent about, that will take more energy than one I'm enthusiastic about; if it's a party in Walthamstow that will take more energy than a party in Wandsworth. They're equivalent concerns.

[robert_jones]

"I'm really busy" carries the implication to my mind that the person has something else they need to be doing at the relevant time. If I later found out that they'd actually been watching Buffy, I would feel slighted. Catriona would just say, "I've been really busy recently and looking forward to spending some time watching Buffy." (Except she wouldn't, because she doesn't like Buffy.) That approach is certainly honest, but probably gives more information than is really required. I do tend to think that a simple, "No thank you," suffices.

[midnightmelody]

I very rarely do actual invitations, more usually it's 'here's this thing I'm doing, come along if you like'.

I'd want to know the reason if I specifically wanted someone to come to something (eg a graduation, or a gathering of a particular group). I'm not sure I'd necessarily like hearing the reason though! With social invitations the reason often boils down to 'this isn't very important to me', and that's rarely fun to hear.

[shreena]

With social invitations the reason often boils down to 'this isn't very important to me', and that's rarely fun to hear.

Yes. I think I'm just happier imagining some terribly important reason and therefore not having to really think about the fact that it probably just wasn't very important to them.

[midnightmelody]

That makes sense. :) I'd probably be a more easy-going person if I took the energy to stop my mind from speculating. Hmmm, perhaps some effort is in order.

[midnightmelody]

On reflection, I don't interpret the weak reasons as 'this isn't very important to me', but as 'you aren't very important to me.' That's probably not sensible - but it means that I'd rather deal with the explicit rejection than a masked one.