don't judge or mock you? damn it stazh, wheres the fun in that??? bah, you are such a spoil sport. this is all very interesting and insightful into the mind of stazh, and more than a little scary. but fear not, you still are an awesome friend and nothing could change that. the only thing that i actually dislike about this is how hard you are on yourself. i think you are really self-critical at times, for absolutely no reason. sometimes, maybe not in this memoir specifically, you call yourself ugly... but why? i would beg to differ as, i'm sure curtis and john and many other guys would too. oh, and maybe its just me but it seems like you r getting some thought processes mixed up a little with the envying other girls automatically equating into wanting to be with them. I mean, i envy the guys who are ripped, the guys with the metabolism that lets them eat anything without ever gaining a fucking pound, with the washboard flat 6 pack filled abs...but that doesnt mean that i want them, i just wish i could have what they have that i don't
( ... )
the envy v. wanting is a tricky one... i think it's a bit of both, but having trace elements of one makes it difficult to definitively define the other's presence. i'm only hard on myself when i really think i deserve it. like my dieting bull shit? that's for self improvement; it's not that i'm butt fucking ugly, it's that i could be far prettier. it's sort of an "i don't deserve people as great as those i somehow manage to land, so maybe i should become better by doing ____." and i'm sure curtis and john wouldn't complain, because that's the only real reason i would ever bother handling a penis. unless it's between my legs. in which case i can pretend i'm somewhere else, and that it is something else, and i can fill my mind's eye with a fairy tale in which i can sit and simply be content to watch a woman comb her hair. sex is really like meditation for me. only intercourse, though-- the rest is too... i don't know. i'll call you later and we'll hablar.
once again stazh....you scare me =P you have got to be one of the strangest people i know, and that is quite an accomplishment =) may even be worth another pink envelope...though i might be so lazy as to leave it empty this time.......
i really respect this post. it's very well written, and very honest. i agree with what deanna said about not labeling yourself, perhaps. i hope you come to find some satifactory conclusion about where you stand in your sexuality. i'm here if you need to talk or anything at all. <3
shes not just any ordinary dyke...she's a BULL DYKE!!! FROM NOW ON EVERYONE REFERS TO STAZH AS 'THE BULL DYKE' OR I WILL APPLY MUCH BOOT TO ASS!.....CRAZY BULL DYKE EVIL CONNIVING SHE-WENCH WOMAN THING!
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i'm only hard on myself when i really think i deserve it. like my dieting bull shit? that's for self improvement; it's not that i'm butt fucking ugly, it's that i could be far prettier. it's sort of an "i don't deserve people as great as those i somehow manage to land, so maybe i should become better by doing ____." and i'm sure curtis and john wouldn't complain, because that's the only real reason i would ever bother handling a penis. unless it's between my legs. in which case i can pretend i'm somewhere else, and that it is something else, and i can fill my mind's eye with a fairy tale in which i can sit and simply be content to watch a woman comb her hair. sex is really like meditation for me. only intercourse, though-- the rest is too... i don't know. i'll call you later and we'll hablar.
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