Most of my high school years were spent there: GarouMush. It was a great place because it allowed me to be creative and meet new people who were very, very kind, interesting, different, and supportive. Everyone was weird and different but....I loved it.

Today I realized my plan to try to stay together with my partner is like roleplaying a character ( Read more... )

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myselfI hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I ( Read more... )

A year ago I remember being wistful and sad and thinking, I miss what it's like to feel in love. I miss that consuming, hopeful feeling.

But what did chasing it get me?

What did hoping I could have "it all" do?

I have never been more isolated or cut off. And it's in fact, alleviated a little, by COVID. I know other people feel cut off too. If this ( Read more... )

Last night when I took the dog for a walk, there was this sense of melancholy. It's with me not just because there's less sunlight these days. There's the confirmation of how....outside, just off the edge or the radar, I am to most people. I say it without malice. I understand why it's that way, and I know I don't do much to help make things ( Read more... )

Today I saw some neighbors walk by.

I always see neighbors walk by, to be fair.

Today I saw this couple who live above me, somewhere. They always look "put together"; high end brands, perfect hair. Today they came home, checking their pockets or their phones in responses to questions the other were asking. The man looked sleek in his dark jacket ( Read more... )

He told me to look back at how I've been in the past, to see how my emotional reactivity has pushed away people who are trying.

I've been spending weeks dreaming and thinking happiness was almost here.

I thought I was getting better. Turning a corner.  I thought the inability to focus was just....I don't know. Even this, I'm struggling to finish or ( Read more... )

I miss telling you everything, the stream of consciousness in my mind. I wanted to write you an email, but I know I'm supposed to give you space. In the past, the desperation would have overwhelmed me. I'dve been on a plane by now. I guess it's something that a part of me is stoically, Britishly resigned.

You told me I don't have conviction, that ( Read more... )

...does it always have to be this hard?

The way all my skin prickles and it burns at the corners of my eyes, holding back the tears (somehow, if I clench my jaw, the tears stay back and I don't understand my internal plumbing if that's how it works).

I miss you all the time.

I see myself returning to the kind of person I didn't want to be anymore. ( Read more... )

I'm so lonely.

I miss imagining what new love would feel like because that's the only time I feel it. When a person is smiling at me and doesn't know how awful and wretched I am inside.

I thought love would mean someone asking me to come to bed, to want to hold me, or be held, and fall asleep next to me.

It's just being snapped at though, for ( Read more... )

I think shame is a real feeling. Not a real emotion, but a real sensation. Or the humiliation, the fear- all the hairs on my skin stand up, like a cold wind is passing me slowly from my shoulders to my calves.

I wish I wasn't so childlike. I spoke to a relative, one I trust, who was very patient with me. She said "from what I've heard, BPD is like ( Read more... )