I am writing this down so it is concrete, and something I can read back and reflect on and confirm that things will be okay. I'm going through a patch of feeling really quite down. And really, the reasons for this are that my job isn't what I want, and that I'm so far away from moving out, living with joe and actually getting a job I feel ( Read more... )

i slept for almost twelve hours straight last night. does that mean i really needed it? or that i just needed to be outside of my own head for a while. i got up at twelve and ate some soup and drank green chai in thekitchen for a while, chatting to my housemates and watching sara cook. it was nice, you know that kind of nice when you are still a ( Read more... )

i am feeling okay. i need to have music off to write this. i am feeling organised. tomorrow i have a lecture at eleven, which i need to get up and have breakfast before, and then am going to spend the rest of the day reading my assigned texts for the week and writing a critical reading of the afterword of lolita for my logbook entry. i might also ( Read more... )

today i had my end of semester exam, about all of the culture and criticism we have done this semester. i was almost completly unprepared due to me trying to pretend it wasn't happening for the last few weeks and procrastinating drastically. tonight was supposed to be my big fancy all out celebration for the end of that exam. not exactly what i had ( Read more... )

i am back. its good, its quite how i remember it. not exactly. nothing ever is though is it really? i feel okay though, in most ways. things are okay. i am meant to be reading about the joke that is postmodernism right now but i am not. obviously. im feeling i've made a few mistakes relationship wise recently, and i think now i know what my new ( Read more... )

why do i make such bad decisions, decisions that in other circumstances would be such good decisions. decisions decisions. new year. was amazing. and terrible. lets just face it, admit to myself, i kissed (openly) the best friend of the guy i have been like in love with for the past  two years. how stupidly messed up is that? what was i thinking? ( Read more... )

is it that i don't feel i need a relationship any longer? is it a result of terrible past experiances? or is it simply laziness? why do i push guy after guy away? even if there is a glimmer of hope i shut it down. i desperately want a relationship, but i don't think i want a partner. i want to have an instant, comfortable, easy, unawkward bond with ( Read more... )

it feels good to be home. it actually, literally feels good to be home. not that it doesn't always, but last night i stayed at my best friend in the entire world's house in the centre of the city. she lives in a gorgeous garden flat, she moved in 3 months go. its high ceilinged and sort of homely grandoise. we drank (far too much according to my ( Read more... )

i am home. i am home and there is a strongly scented, fat and tall christmas tree infront of me weighed down with red apple baubels, gold trumpets, red breasted robins and crystal prisms. there is a fire crackling behind me and my cheeks are rosy from the heat.  my house is ridiculously cosy and christmassy. i am content. i got back yesterday ( Read more... )

im not sure if it was an entirely sensible option to explain my past whilst really very drunk but i think i am glad i did. i think. last night we had a small flat party type thing and i had far too much wine before we went out and started (like i do) remembering things and suddenly just got incredibly overwhelmed and needed to talk to someone. i ( Read more... )