[f(x) | 014.] are you six years ago?
are you six years ago?
amber/victoria; amber/luna
pg
2196 w.
[in sum]: amber meets luna again.
notes: inspired by portions of the ocean by t&s; a continuation of "i'm with stupid"; in the dreaming!au, obviously. also, not edited to satisfaction! :(
and I'm sorry that I didn't drop in sooner just to see you
and see what you've been doing
if I imagine you, body next to another
so it's been so long since you said,
"well I know what I want, and what I want's right here with you."
if amber really thinks about it, it had only been a few months of her life. a mere speck in the grand scheme of things if she's thinking logically. of course, she's not thinking logically at all most of the time.
everywhere she goes, she's reminded of the girl with the golden hair. whether it's from a low production musical poster on the street lamps of hongdae or the guy who squats on the corner of her apartment building, offering to shine people's shoes, amber is constantly bombarded with thoughts of her. even when her girlfriend of two years suggests going swimming at the gym, amber is reminded. because swimming is sooyoung, and her...well, she is sooyoung. she's going crazy making crazy connections to this girl from her past and her life right now. amber tries to cure herself by accepting the fact that first loves never last, but never really leave you. her girlfriend helps too. a lot.
victoria is a lot like amber in many ways. she's a foreigner in a foreign country and although everyone else thinks they're "just chinese", amber delights in the way victoria is a little bit foreign, even to her. the first time amber met victoria was when amber was transitioning into a new, larger dance company. she hadn't been apart of a company that held different kinds of dancers. victoria represented a group of ethnic dancers. amber remembers it was victoria's kind, but determined eyes that got to her. but victoria is always teasing.
"you fell for my red hair" victoria sing-songs. "i remember you asking to touch it. and you held it up to the light."
"no, i di--"
"fetish" victoria teases as she tickles amber's neckline.
amber blushes pink, more than somewhat disturbed by the implications. had luna saturated that much of amber's life?
§
they're walking down the street, holding hands. one head full of long, dyed red hair and the other bleached orange, cropped short. in theory, they shouldn't look too weird. girls holding hands isn't considered out of the ordinary if they're close. and doesn't everyone color their hair nowadays? but it's just that they're both distinctly foreign, walking on the streets of itaewon, and whispering so closely to each others' ears, that anyone is able to suspect. the thing is, though,...the nice thing is that they don't care and victoria is able to break down any feeling of paranoia or hesitation in amber. things feel comfortable and amber thinks, "this is how it should be."
as they're walking, victoria points to a small handmade poster on the side of a fried chicken joint.
"didn't you always want to learn how to sing?" she asks amber, plucking one of the perforated edges that holds a phone number. "i think now's the time."
"give me that" amber says, playfully swatting at her hand. "you know i don't have time. besides, i think i've changed my mind."
"oh really?" asks victoria, giggling. "changed it how?"
"i want to be a rap star."
victoria giggles harder, loosing her hold of the sliver of paper that she had somehow wrested back from amber's grip. amber catches the fluttering piece of paper in the palm of her hand. victoria is still laughing, clutching onto amber's arm and burying her mouth in the crook of amber's neck, right where it meets the shoulder.
it's times like these that amber wishes she can freeze time. because, as of now, amber is happy and she can just almost forget about luna. almost.
§
it's two days later and it's amber's turn to do the laundry. it's a whole ordeal because, though amber doesn't mind if her colors are a bit blended, victoria insists that her lingerie is hand-washed and sun-dried. she likes the lace and frilly bits, where as amber sticks with plain cotton. amber is on her last pair of pants and a on a whim she checks the pockets. her fingers wrap around a scrap of paper. she holds it out and brings it to the light.
(010) 09181992
the numbers look familiar to her but they don't register. all she knows is that the area code is seoul. amber tries to remember what the phone number was for. just then, victoria sings a chinese folk song while washing the dishes. it comes to amber just as fast.
"singing" she mumbles under her breath.
amber actually considers it for a few seconds. she had told victoria about wanting to learn how to sing, about wanting to learn how to act, but that had been when they'd first met. when amber was still drowning in the want of meeting luna again. amber had thought if she could break into the musical world, she would be able to see luna. yes, she had been that desperate.
amber laughs a little sadly now and crumples the paper. what use is it? besides, she has victoria now.
the rest of the laundry is done silently, listening to victoria fumble the lines of the song and start again. there's a sunny haze this sunday morning. and while amber irons their clothes crisp with a steam iron, the sunlight catches in amber's hair. the metal surface of the bottom of the iron reflects a distortion of amber's face, making it seem like she is smiling. all of the sudden, amber wonders, "where are you now?" and she just can't any longer.
she tells victoria that she's sorry, but she'll finish the laundry later. usually victoria is a no nonsense kind of girl but amber guesses her expression tells about the seriousness of this. victoria nods without another word. amber closes the bedroom door after herself, crawls into bed, and wills her eyes shut. she wishes she can shut off her mind too, but where ever she tries to go inside her head, the memories scream, "luna luna luna."
§
the thought comes to amber after sleeping through the rest of that sunday afternoon. the dance company has mondays off instead of saturdays, so their weekends are displaced. victoria, sensing amber needs some time alone, tells amber that she'll be out all day with her friends from the dance company. amber tells her to have fun, but the wheels in her mind are turning in the background.
"my birthday" amber mumbles to no one.
she's alone in the house, but the remembrance haunts her. the phone number she had crumpled up yesterday; the numbers had been her birthday. of course it's a coincidence. it can only be a coincidence. but there's a niggling thought in the back of amber's brain. there's a memory.
"when's your birthday?" luna had asked on a random day. "mine's in august."
"mine's in september" amber had said. and luna's eyes had lit up then because they were so close in age, or so luna thought... "but a year ahead" amber had finished, smirking. "i'm a student from abroad, remember?"
"hmm..." luna had said, pretending to consider this. then she had turned to look at amber right in the eye. "i'm not calling you unni."
the idea had made amber laugh so hard that luna didn't stop pouting until lunch break was over.
the flashback quiets and the 'what if's' start piling up in amber's head. what if it's luna? or what if this singing teacher is somehow connected to her? what if i just pass this chance by and i miss her again? what if... not once does she stop to think about victoria until a text message comes, breaking her from her thoughts.
"are you doing okay?" victoria texts. "i'm eating lunch out. but i made you a chicken salad. it's in the fridge!"
amber at once feels so guilty that she immediately takes the salad out and starts eating without really tasting anything. the curiosity behind the phone number still plagues her. she itches to call just once, just to disprove her crazy theory. but at the same time, she doesn't want to disprove herself. she wants there still to be a chance. and at the desperation in this ambivalent mood, amber breaks down and dry sobs into her pillow.
deep inside her brain, she can't help wonder if there is someone that luna is with, just like amber is with victoria...
§
§
§
luna peers through the salon mirror and surveys the mess of hair that the hair-dresser has just called "a work of art".
"um, i..." luna starts to say, but the hair dresser tuts in her face.
"leave your hair to me. isn't that what i said? look, now that your hair is a nice dark brown, you look almost normal."
luna wants to say that she doesn't want to look normal, she wants to look like herself. but the girl keeps talking.
"how do you think you're going to get a respectable job if your hair has the texture of a broom stick and looks like it's been sitting in lemon juice for too long?"
"um"
"look, i'll charge you less. just for you because i know you've come to hard times, but honey? frankly, i've saved your life."
luna pays the girl with grit teeth. she never asked for her life to be saved, did she? all she asked for was a trim and a re-dye of her hair. the latest color had been a sea foam green, but now it was boring brown.
luna sighs as she leaves the corner hair shop. it had been a mistake for her to go to one in the first place, but jinyoung had given her the money as a gift. jinyoung, who had just gotten paid at her first job...
luna looks down at her phone. no calls. she had been desperate enough to put up those singing lesson posters. her current threatre company hadn't been doing too well. the small parts she had scored from sunbaes she knew had put food on the table, but it hadn't been enough.
"maybe things will get better since jinyoung has her job now..." luna thinks aloud. but it's only been a month since jinyoung's started working at the bank and luna knows that beginners don't really get paid well.
luna stops along the street when she sees her reflection in a store front window. she looks so drab that it depresses her a little. before the green, there had been the purple, and before that the blue; luna had been thinking of going pink for a change when the hair dresser had taken control and dyed her hair brown. her hair was always bleached but after she had moved, she hadn't the courage to keep it blonde. being blonde always gave her sad memories.
it's when she's mindlessly singing on her way back home when her phone finally rings. at first, she thinks it's only jinyoung or her brother perhaps. but she looks down and sees an unknown number.
"hello?"
"...hello?"
the voice is deep, but very feminine somehow. the sound of it makes her lungs expand at a slower pace, as if she's been placed in molasses. luna tells herself that she's being silly, but she's breathing all shallow just the same.
"hi, have you called for the singing lessons?" luna asks, trying her best to be professional.
"yes...well, no. i..."
"..." luna pauses. the intonation seems familiar somehow and luna can't place it, but if she loses this first customer, she's going to be depressed for the rest of the day, so -
"is this sooyoung?"
luna's sales pitch gets caught in the place between her throat and tongue.
"soo...young?" luna asks carefully. "no, i'm sorry, but my name is sunyoung. park sunyoung."
"oh, i see" the other person says over the phone, considerably more down than before.
luna's heart starts to race like she's running harder than she's used to. she starts seeing white fuzz on the edges of her vision because this person over the phone is making her believe and making her hope. she is not used to this.
"i'm sorry. i just.. thought you were someone i knew" the other person continues. "i'd like to learn how to sing. can we meet?"
somehow, luna replies in the affirmative and somehow, they choose a place and time to discuss the details of payment and such. luna remembers none of it afterwards and she has to text the person back to get their meeting location again.
"amber" luna allows herself to mumble aloud. "amber."
§
luna gets home and she feels like she's in a dream. her coat slides off her body like water and when she turns on the television for some sound, her favorite drama comes on to distract her. things are going too smooth for comfort and luna has always been wary of things that were too good to be true.
"it can't be amber" luna tells herself. "there's no way."
and even though she dissuades herself until she falls asleep that night, there is a small, precious part of her that won't let amber go. this is the part that wins over in the end and causes luna to dream of that wonderful last day so long ago.
amber/victoria; amber/luna
pg
2196 w.
[in sum]: amber meets luna again.
notes: inspired by portions of the ocean by t&s; a continuation of "i'm with stupid"; in the dreaming!au, obviously. also, not edited to satisfaction! :(
and I'm sorry that I didn't drop in sooner just to see you
and see what you've been doing
if I imagine you, body next to another
so it's been so long since you said,
"well I know what I want, and what I want's right here with you."
if amber really thinks about it, it had only been a few months of her life. a mere speck in the grand scheme of things if she's thinking logically. of course, she's not thinking logically at all most of the time.
everywhere she goes, she's reminded of the girl with the golden hair. whether it's from a low production musical poster on the street lamps of hongdae or the guy who squats on the corner of her apartment building, offering to shine people's shoes, amber is constantly bombarded with thoughts of her. even when her girlfriend of two years suggests going swimming at the gym, amber is reminded. because swimming is sooyoung, and her...well, she is sooyoung. she's going crazy making crazy connections to this girl from her past and her life right now. amber tries to cure herself by accepting the fact that first loves never last, but never really leave you. her girlfriend helps too. a lot.
victoria is a lot like amber in many ways. she's a foreigner in a foreign country and although everyone else thinks they're "just chinese", amber delights in the way victoria is a little bit foreign, even to her. the first time amber met victoria was when amber was transitioning into a new, larger dance company. she hadn't been apart of a company that held different kinds of dancers. victoria represented a group of ethnic dancers. amber remembers it was victoria's kind, but determined eyes that got to her. but victoria is always teasing.
"you fell for my red hair" victoria sing-songs. "i remember you asking to touch it. and you held it up to the light."
"no, i di--"
"fetish" victoria teases as she tickles amber's neckline.
amber blushes pink, more than somewhat disturbed by the implications. had luna saturated that much of amber's life?
§
they're walking down the street, holding hands. one head full of long, dyed red hair and the other bleached orange, cropped short. in theory, they shouldn't look too weird. girls holding hands isn't considered out of the ordinary if they're close. and doesn't everyone color their hair nowadays? but it's just that they're both distinctly foreign, walking on the streets of itaewon, and whispering so closely to each others' ears, that anyone is able to suspect. the thing is, though,...the nice thing is that they don't care and victoria is able to break down any feeling of paranoia or hesitation in amber. things feel comfortable and amber thinks, "this is how it should be."
as they're walking, victoria points to a small handmade poster on the side of a fried chicken joint.
"didn't you always want to learn how to sing?" she asks amber, plucking one of the perforated edges that holds a phone number. "i think now's the time."
"give me that" amber says, playfully swatting at her hand. "you know i don't have time. besides, i think i've changed my mind."
"oh really?" asks victoria, giggling. "changed it how?"
"i want to be a rap star."
victoria giggles harder, loosing her hold of the sliver of paper that she had somehow wrested back from amber's grip. amber catches the fluttering piece of paper in the palm of her hand. victoria is still laughing, clutching onto amber's arm and burying her mouth in the crook of amber's neck, right where it meets the shoulder.
it's times like these that amber wishes she can freeze time. because, as of now, amber is happy and she can just almost forget about luna. almost.
§
it's two days later and it's amber's turn to do the laundry. it's a whole ordeal because, though amber doesn't mind if her colors are a bit blended, victoria insists that her lingerie is hand-washed and sun-dried. she likes the lace and frilly bits, where as amber sticks with plain cotton. amber is on her last pair of pants and a on a whim she checks the pockets. her fingers wrap around a scrap of paper. she holds it out and brings it to the light.
(010) 09181992
the numbers look familiar to her but they don't register. all she knows is that the area code is seoul. amber tries to remember what the phone number was for. just then, victoria sings a chinese folk song while washing the dishes. it comes to amber just as fast.
"singing" she mumbles under her breath.
amber actually considers it for a few seconds. she had told victoria about wanting to learn how to sing, about wanting to learn how to act, but that had been when they'd first met. when amber was still drowning in the want of meeting luna again. amber had thought if she could break into the musical world, she would be able to see luna. yes, she had been that desperate.
amber laughs a little sadly now and crumples the paper. what use is it? besides, she has victoria now.
the rest of the laundry is done silently, listening to victoria fumble the lines of the song and start again. there's a sunny haze this sunday morning. and while amber irons their clothes crisp with a steam iron, the sunlight catches in amber's hair. the metal surface of the bottom of the iron reflects a distortion of amber's face, making it seem like she is smiling. all of the sudden, amber wonders, "where are you now?" and she just can't any longer.
she tells victoria that she's sorry, but she'll finish the laundry later. usually victoria is a no nonsense kind of girl but amber guesses her expression tells about the seriousness of this. victoria nods without another word. amber closes the bedroom door after herself, crawls into bed, and wills her eyes shut. she wishes she can shut off her mind too, but where ever she tries to go inside her head, the memories scream, "luna luna luna."
§
the thought comes to amber after sleeping through the rest of that sunday afternoon. the dance company has mondays off instead of saturdays, so their weekends are displaced. victoria, sensing amber needs some time alone, tells amber that she'll be out all day with her friends from the dance company. amber tells her to have fun, but the wheels in her mind are turning in the background.
"my birthday" amber mumbles to no one.
she's alone in the house, but the remembrance haunts her. the phone number she had crumpled up yesterday; the numbers had been her birthday. of course it's a coincidence. it can only be a coincidence. but there's a niggling thought in the back of amber's brain. there's a memory.
"when's your birthday?" luna had asked on a random day. "mine's in august."
"mine's in september" amber had said. and luna's eyes had lit up then because they were so close in age, or so luna thought... "but a year ahead" amber had finished, smirking. "i'm a student from abroad, remember?"
"hmm..." luna had said, pretending to consider this. then she had turned to look at amber right in the eye. "i'm not calling you unni."
the idea had made amber laugh so hard that luna didn't stop pouting until lunch break was over.
the flashback quiets and the 'what if's' start piling up in amber's head. what if it's luna? or what if this singing teacher is somehow connected to her? what if i just pass this chance by and i miss her again? what if... not once does she stop to think about victoria until a text message comes, breaking her from her thoughts.
"are you doing okay?" victoria texts. "i'm eating lunch out. but i made you a chicken salad. it's in the fridge!"
amber at once feels so guilty that she immediately takes the salad out and starts eating without really tasting anything. the curiosity behind the phone number still plagues her. she itches to call just once, just to disprove her crazy theory. but at the same time, she doesn't want to disprove herself. she wants there still to be a chance. and at the desperation in this ambivalent mood, amber breaks down and dry sobs into her pillow.
deep inside her brain, she can't help wonder if there is someone that luna is with, just like amber is with victoria...
§
§
§
luna peers through the salon mirror and surveys the mess of hair that the hair-dresser has just called "a work of art".
"um, i..." luna starts to say, but the hair dresser tuts in her face.
"leave your hair to me. isn't that what i said? look, now that your hair is a nice dark brown, you look almost normal."
luna wants to say that she doesn't want to look normal, she wants to look like herself. but the girl keeps talking.
"how do you think you're going to get a respectable job if your hair has the texture of a broom stick and looks like it's been sitting in lemon juice for too long?"
"um"
"look, i'll charge you less. just for you because i know you've come to hard times, but honey? frankly, i've saved your life."
luna pays the girl with grit teeth. she never asked for her life to be saved, did she? all she asked for was a trim and a re-dye of her hair. the latest color had been a sea foam green, but now it was boring brown.
luna sighs as she leaves the corner hair shop. it had been a mistake for her to go to one in the first place, but jinyoung had given her the money as a gift. jinyoung, who had just gotten paid at her first job...
luna looks down at her phone. no calls. she had been desperate enough to put up those singing lesson posters. her current threatre company hadn't been doing too well. the small parts she had scored from sunbaes she knew had put food on the table, but it hadn't been enough.
"maybe things will get better since jinyoung has her job now..." luna thinks aloud. but it's only been a month since jinyoung's started working at the bank and luna knows that beginners don't really get paid well.
luna stops along the street when she sees her reflection in a store front window. she looks so drab that it depresses her a little. before the green, there had been the purple, and before that the blue; luna had been thinking of going pink for a change when the hair dresser had taken control and dyed her hair brown. her hair was always bleached but after she had moved, she hadn't the courage to keep it blonde. being blonde always gave her sad memories.
it's when she's mindlessly singing on her way back home when her phone finally rings. at first, she thinks it's only jinyoung or her brother perhaps. but she looks down and sees an unknown number.
"hello?"
"...hello?"
the voice is deep, but very feminine somehow. the sound of it makes her lungs expand at a slower pace, as if she's been placed in molasses. luna tells herself that she's being silly, but she's breathing all shallow just the same.
"hi, have you called for the singing lessons?" luna asks, trying her best to be professional.
"yes...well, no. i..."
"..." luna pauses. the intonation seems familiar somehow and luna can't place it, but if she loses this first customer, she's going to be depressed for the rest of the day, so -
"is this sooyoung?"
luna's sales pitch gets caught in the place between her throat and tongue.
"soo...young?" luna asks carefully. "no, i'm sorry, but my name is sunyoung. park sunyoung."
"oh, i see" the other person says over the phone, considerably more down than before.
luna's heart starts to race like she's running harder than she's used to. she starts seeing white fuzz on the edges of her vision because this person over the phone is making her believe and making her hope. she is not used to this.
"i'm sorry. i just.. thought you were someone i knew" the other person continues. "i'd like to learn how to sing. can we meet?"
somehow, luna replies in the affirmative and somehow, they choose a place and time to discuss the details of payment and such. luna remembers none of it afterwards and she has to text the person back to get their meeting location again.
"amber" luna allows herself to mumble aloud. "amber."
§
luna gets home and she feels like she's in a dream. her coat slides off her body like water and when she turns on the television for some sound, her favorite drama comes on to distract her. things are going too smooth for comfort and luna has always been wary of things that were too good to be true.
"it can't be amber" luna tells herself. "there's no way."
and even though she dissuades herself until she falls asleep that night, there is a small, precious part of her that won't let amber go. this is the part that wins over in the end and causes luna to dream of that wonderful last day so long ago.