on wednesdays

[silverwolfmoon]

wednesdays are interesting days....the past two have been disturbing...generally things happen around 11am...things that shake what little faith i have in my perception of reality...things that make me want to curl into the fetal position and lie still on a cold stone floor and to breathe shallowly while i wait for my throat to reopen enough so

Comments

[mr_eas]

Are you still re-thinking the desirability of writing the paper? What's making you do that, anyway?

[silverwolfmoon]

No...i've stopped re thinking and have decided to write it. The intent however is different now. Originally, stupidly, it was about academic validation based on the notion that if i did thinkgs on my own time and my own terms the work produced would be respected for its implicit value. I know now that people will only read that they want to read and regardless of the point i know i'm making chances are my work will not have the impact i desire it to because very few people are deserving enough to read it, and those that are will probably not see the vision i sought to create.
So now i'mw riting it to prove to myself i can do it and do it well. What people think of the work no longer matters. I don't need their worthless validation anymore.

[mr_eas]

Kudos. Self-satisfaction is, at the end of the day, the most important goal, and the one that people lose sight of more often than not.
I'm still going to nag you about finishing it, though.

[silverwolfmoon]

merci.

[a_cup_of]

i think plato or aristotle or someone said something about nothing being permanent. everything's continuously changing everyday. i completely understand, devoting yourself to someone that comes to nothing. perhaps even afraid to ever devote yourself to anyone again? its not really about being here. its not about the distance. its about carrying the people around with you wherever you are, and just because they are far away it doesnt mean they arent here. why not live in the moment and stop thinking about x amount of time from now?

[silverwolfmoon]

because it is easier to think about the varieties of futures instead of being in the here and now when the here and now isn't necessarily where you want to be.

also, i've finished harry potter and the virgin suicides. i can leave them in your mailbox, of can drop them of wednesday morning.

[anonymous]

Whatever happened to hope (that someone won't go away)?

[silverwolfmoon]

it has been almost entirely vanquished by growth and realization of the reality that i choose to perceive. the little bit that remains bothers me every so often...so i squish it.

people go as is their wont...which is fine...it's better this way

[anonymous]

So long as you are satisfied with the outcome, I suppose...

[silverwolfmoon]

"i expect the worst because it is just easier than investing any sort of hope in better things...plus..i prefer being pleasantly surprised...i know how things will turn out because i can track your reasoning since it is a process and processes are historical and thus can be broken into parts and then tracked...there is nothing unique or special about anything you do..." it's all been done before

satisfaction is what you make of it. life's too short to waste pining and hoping. you do what you have to in order to move on quickly and efficiently.

[anonymous]

You do what you want to do, not what you have to.

There is always choice.

As you said, satisfaction is what you make of it.

[silverwolfmoon]

choice, like satisfaction is what you perceive it to be. in the end you build the reality you want the way you want it, which is perfect, because you're the one who really has to live in it. history and the supposed consensual nature of arrangements is terribly mutable.