Through Sickness and Health, Part 2
Title: Through Sickness and Health, part 2
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 3,548
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1
A/N: For some reason this part seems significantly shorter than the first, although there's practically the same amount of words. I'm really sorry ^^;
__________
Kyuhyun remembers Donghae's birthday celebration a little differently.
What he remembers most is the feeling in his gut; the way his insides seemed to be beaten by the wings of butterflies. He remembers looking out over Seoul from the top of the tower with the sunset behind it, feeling as if he weren't sure whether he was going to puke or pass out or cry or what. From the looks of it, he just seemed to be scared of heights, but there was more to it than that. So much more.
Anxiety was simply not something Kyuhyun was used to. The only other times he had this feeling was the first time he led the choir in church and during his audition for SM, and even those dreadful experiences were relatively harmless compared to the dilemma plaguing his psyche at the moment.
Then Donghae showed up and, sweet almighty lord Jesus, Kyuhyun thought he was literally going to cry. He could feel his knees giving out beneath him, the wave of panic spreading through him like wildfire set to dry grass. This was a completely foreign feeling to Kyuhyun; he was no stranger to lust, that's for damn sure, but this feeling was a whole new ball field. All he wanted to do was run in the opposite direction - away from Donghae, away from Namsan Park and the observation tower and anything relating to it. He wanted to crawl in his bed, eat some ramen and play Starcraft for three days straight; but instead he smiled warmly, deciding this was not the time to be a selfish brat and that the right thing to do was to actually make Donghae's night worth something. Besides, if he left, he would have stolen that soju for nothing.
The look on Donghae's face when he showed him the bottle of soju made the hassle of actually obtaining it worth it on so many levels. Sure, Kyuhyun lied a little bit -- but only a little. Kyuhyun's parents’ liquor cabinet was actually locked tighter than Fort Knox, and he only managed to get into it because he took the key out of his father's sock drawer earlier that day. Ah-ra caught him shoving the bottle in his bag and immediately blew up, but he managed to persuade her -- he tends to be very persuasive in tight situations, fortunately for him -- only because he threatened to reveal to his mother that he wasn't the one to break the rose-painted vase.
Traveling to Myeong-dong from the observation tower seemed like seconds. They stood in the cable car -- which, fortunately for them, was practically empty save for an old man and his wife -- shoulder to shoulder, each taking a sip from the soju bottle every few minutes. Donghae was quick to succumb to inebriation, already beginning to lose his balance before they even got off. It was honestly quite adorable, the way Donghae clutched to Kyuhyun like a life preserve and giggled every time. At least it gave them an excuse to be closer.
As they made their way out of Namsan, Donghae was at the point where he could barely even walk on his own. Kyuhyun was nowhere even close to the point of inebriation that Donghae was -- sure, a slight buzz in the back of his head, but that's nothing compared to being so sloshed you’re stumbling off a cable car. Kyuhyun wrapped his arm securely around Donghae's waist and held him up, a warm feeling spreading through his body at the idea of them being in so much physical contact. Even this, this desire to just touch him without being sexual seemed so alien to Kyuhyun, he almost wanted to just let him go right there and scamper off into the city.
"Kyuhyun," Donghae hiccupped, looking up at the older man with a crooked smile. "You're really pretty."
"Stop talking, Donghae," Kyuhyun said, attempting to prop him up better. "You're drunk."
Donghae took his arm off Kyuhyun's shoulder and gasped, pointing at the market directly in front of them with wide eyes.
"You brought me to Myeong-dong! LET'S GO SHOPPING!" Donghae cried, stomping his way towards the shops, making Kyuhyun seriously regret taking that soju.
"D--Hyung! Where are you going?!" Kyuhyun called, attempting to keep the older man within reach, although his attempt proved pointless. Donghae didn't even look back.
"KYUHYUN, I NEED MORE CLOTHES," He bellowed, marching right into the middle of the street -- in the middle of delivery hours. Kyuhyun jogged to catch up with him, but it seemed in his drunken stupor Donghae suddenly walked faster than the average adult male could run. It was then that a massive white delivery truck with a common brand name painted on its side roared to life, and Kyuhyun knew this was going to be a problem. It was just as the truck began to barrel down the street that Kyuhyun reached out and yanked Donghae by the arm and pulled him close, preventing him from becoming a part of the pavement. "Oh my god, Kyuhyun, what is your pro--!"
Kyuhyun silenced him by pressing his lips hard against Donghae's, holding the drunken man's body tight against his own, restricting most movement. Luckily, Donghae didn't try to escape; no, instead he threw his arms around Kyuhyun and deepened the kiss, ignoring all passers-by who stared or made remarks. It was only when the cops came that Kyuhyun decided to act on a whim and run for it, dragging a sloppy Donghae behind him like a kite in the wind.
It was because of that night that Kyuhyun knew -- there was no way you could even try to deny it, no way to write it off as 'reading too much into it.' Kyuhyun wanted Donghae in the worst way, wanted to know who he was, wanted to touch him, feel him, be with him -- and he couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the way Donghae had clutched to him as if Kyuhyun were his last hope. Or the way that his hands immediately flew to the back of Kyuhyun's neck, deepening the kiss, making sure it didn't end unless Donghae said it was going to end.
Or maybe it was simply just fate. Maybe it was the fact that, for some bizarre and unexplainable reason, North and South were really meant to attract.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers how long it took for something of significance to happen between them again.
He knew it was longer than two months, for he remembers how, on Valentine's Day, he was irrationally disappointed in not receiving anything from Donghae, although he didn't really have room to complain because he didn't get Donghae anything either. It was probably more like six months -- yes, it was, because it was right after he first debuted with the newly-regrouped Super Junior.
Donghae was sick with the flu one week, his nose running faster than Niagara Falls and his voice sounding like a rusty gear. He remembers because poor Ryeowook was on his beckoned call, delivering chicken broth, tea with honey and tissues like it was his paying job. Kyuhyun, being the new official maknae of the group, surprisingly gained some sympathy and offered to help him out with the task, but that was apparently funny to Ryeowook, who spent the next three hours laughing at him.
"I feel like death," Donghae said from the comforts of the couch, wrapped in a comforter and clutching a bowl of soup like it was his only lifeline.
"You look worse than death, sorry to say," Kyuhyun made himself comfortable next to the older man and decided to put on some television, although after looking through the channels he decided there wasn't anything worth watching. "Have you slept at all?"
"I can't," Donghae said, attempting to take a sip of his broth and spilling it on his blanket. He cursed and tried to wipe it up while Kyuhyun took the bowl from him. "You heard me last night, didn't you? It constantly felt like I had a spider sitting in my throat." Kyuhyun took a spoonful of broth and shoved it into Donghae's mouth, the warmth feeling like liquid heaven against the older man's dry and injured throat.
After feeding him the entire bowl, spoonful by spoonful, Kyuhyun helped the older get into bed in an attempt to help him get some rest.
"Stay with me," Donghae ordered just as Kyuhyun was leaving the room.
"Why? I fed you, why should I have to watch you sleep?"
"Because I don't want to be lonely, and you're already in here anyway," Donghae snuggled into bed and pressed himself against the wall, giving Kyuhyun room. "Besides, it will give you a bed to sleep on."
Kyuhyun remembers laughing at this and obliging, not being able to decide whether he liked laying in a bed more, or whether it was the fact that he was laying in a bed next to Donghae. He took Donghae's hands in his own and watched as the older man's lids fluttered close and a feeling he couldn't pinpoint washed over him. It was a different feeling than the night of Myeong-dong, although it was along the same idea. It was a feeling that made his palms sweat, his heart pound, his mind wander and words fail him; a feeling that he can only describe as adoration. Whenever Donghae spoke, Kyuhyun could never snap back with some sort of snide remark, could never give him attitude or think of anything witty. No, the only thing Kyuhyun could give to Donghae was affection, and this realization terrified Kyuhyun beyond his wits. He was petrified of any sort of emotional attachment with anything other than Starcraft, because past experiences had proven that romance was not something Kyuhyun was good at, in any way, shape, or form. But the way Donghae snuggled into him, the way the older man's breath whispered against Kyuhyun's neck made his flight response falter; instead, he simply pulled the older man close and shut his own eyes, and figured he could deal with the complications later -- there was always tomorrow for things such as these.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers August 8th, 2006 very vividly, although it was a day he rather would have forgotten.
It was a disgustingly humid day, he remembers because the air conditioning had broken, leaving everyone scattered around the dorm with ice packs on their heads while maintenance attempted to correct the problem.
They had all recently got their first real paychecks, paychecks they could actually call their own, could actually do what they wanted with. Siwon, the sweetheart he was, had donated his entire paycheck to his church while Sungmin had gone out and bought everything pink he could lay his hands on. Most of them had plans of spending their paychecks solely on themselves, the idea of giving the check to anyone else never even crossing their minds.
But Donghae was different. Kyuhyun remembers walking into their room from the shower (already fully dressed, mind you -- let's not get ahead of ourselves here) and seeing Donghae sitting on his bed, staring down at his paycheck with a dopey smile on his face that made Kyuhyun want to hit him for being too cute. In hindsight, Kyuhyun realized it was a good decision on his part that he didn't follow through with this action.
"What's the grin for?" Kyuhyun asked, sitting on a bean bag in the corner of the room -- he didn't have a bed of his own at this point, and the mat on the floor wasn't exactly comfortable for sleeping, let alone sitting.
"I'm going to bring this home," Donghae grinned down at the check, his fingers running over the frail paper as if it were a sacred artifact. "My family needs it more than I do...medical bills are really high nowadays." Kyuhyun nodded, not understanding the medical bill part but figured it wasn’t really important.
And then Donghae's phone rang; a simple little melody that echoed throughout the room. Kyuhyun reached behind the bean bag and pulled out his Nintendo DS, figuring he could waste some time playing Pokémon while secretly eavesdropping on the conversation.
"Auntie!" Donghae cried as he picked up the phone. "I haven't heard from you in so long, how are...what? No, nobody's called me. Why? What's going on?"
Kyuhyun turned down the volume on his DS, the tinny battle music proving to be very distracting while trying to eaves drop. He continued to play, though, listening to Donghae breathe while the voice on the other end of the line spoke for several minutes. Kyuhyun swore under his breath when his attempt to catch a wild Doduo while on the Pokémon Safari failed.
It was Donghae's sharp intake of breath that finally made Kyuhyun look up from his game, and he could tell by the way the color was quickly leaving Donghae's face that something was seriously wrong. "Has everything been arranged?" Donghae's voice trembled and fear began to wash over Kyuhyun, although he wasn't sure why, since it didn’t have anything to do with him. "Okay. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible. I'll take a train out tonight. Yeah. Goodbye." Donghae closed his phone and stared at it, his fingers sliding over the shiny plastic surface and his shoulders beginning to tremble violently.
"Donghae," Kyuhyun hopped up from the bean bag, letting his DS fall to the floor, which surprisingly he didn't care about. "What happened? What's wrong?" Kyuhyun grabbed Donghae by the shoulders and tried to look him right in the eye, but Donghae had a sudden fascination with the ceiling. "You need to talk to me, Donghae. What is going on?" Donghae took a sharp intake of breath, and suddenly tears spilled down his face like a faucet. He looked at Kyuhyun and hiccupped, his bottom lip trembling as he sniffled.
"My father passed away this morning," he said, his voice shaking beyond his control. Kyuhyun gasped and Donghae attempted to smile. "I was going to use my paycheck to help pay for his medical bills. I'll probably just end up paying for the funeral instead." Donghae had to practically choke out the last words in the sentence before he began to wail. Kyuhyun pulled him close, letting him soak his shirt as much as was needed. The way Donghae hiccupped and sobbed against him broke Kyuhyun's heart, much in the way his older sister broke his mother's vase, and it took all Kyuhyun's willpower to not sob along with him. There was absolutely nothing to say in this situation; nothing to make the pain go away, nothing that could ever bring Donghae's father back even for a moment, but if there were, Kyuhyun would have said it in a heartbeat.
Kyuhyun, Heechul and Eunhyuk drove with Donghae to the train station, making sure he safely got on the train to Mokpo. Heechul ordered Donghae's ticket while Kyuhyun and Eunhyuk sat with him, trying to get him to eat something, but he had no appetite. He knew that if he ate anything, it would be regurgitated within minutes anyway, so what was the point?
Kyuhyun remembers heading to the platform with Donghae, side by side while Eunhyuk carried his bags and Heechul trailed behind them. Every few moments, Kyuhyun would gently bump his hand against Donghae's, hoping to elicit something, anything -- a smile, a nod, some sort of recognition -- but the efforts were in vain.
When they reached the platform, Eunhyuk and Heechul quickly said their goodbyes and began to head back toward the car, leaving Kyuhyun and Donghae alone. Kyuhyun remembers Donghae taking his hands and smiling at him, which caused Kyuhyun's face to flush.
"Thank you," Donghae whispered, the tremble in his voice still audible. Kyuhyun smiled.
"I'll see you when you get home," He said, taking one of his hands and ruffling Donghae's hair. "Stay strong, hyung." He leaned forward and cautiously kissed Donghae's forehead, not knowing if this was crossing any sort of boundary; but it seemed to be okay, since Donghae only smiled a little wider. He let go of Kyuhyun's hand and sighed heavily before picking up his bag and boarding the train, leaving Kyuhyun alone.
Kyuhyun remembers that as the first night he ever cried over Donghae.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers that Christmas as being the best one of his life.
His decision that year was to spend the holiday away from his family, a decision he would initially regret, but eventually forgive himself for making. Never in his eighteen years on this earth had he ever skipped a holiday with his parents, not even his birthday. But this Christmas was different; this year, someone needed him to be around more than his parents did, and that person was Donghae.
After the devastating loss of his father, Donghae had resorted to being a zombie-
No, that’s not right. Donghae wasn’t a zombie at all. Kyuhyun remembers describing what Donghae had become as being a crab - the outer shell of Donghae was still there, but the inside was someone different, like someone had stolen Donghae's body but threw out his personality. No longer was Donghae the excited, happy-go-lucky child at heart he once was. It was as if that side of Donghae had died along with his father, and Kyuhyun took it upon himself to remedy that.
Kyuhyun remembers the look of disgust on Donghae’s face when he was woken up by Kyuhyun belting out Christmas songs, and realizing that it was only 7AM. He remembers how Donghae griped for the entire two hours he spent getting ready, complaining that it’s Christmas Eve, and you’re supposed to sleep in on Christmas Eve and wake up early on Christmas Day, and Kyuhyun seriously needed to get his priorities straight. He also remembers not listening to half of what Donghae said.
They didn’t do much of anything that day, but Kyuhyun decided that was fine. They did go out for dinner at a restaurant called Bennigan’s, where they both ate cheeseburgers in silence. Kyuhyun began to realize that he was starting to pay for all of Donghae’s meals whenever they would go out, and he realized he didn’t really mind.
They somehow ended up in Namsan Park afterwards, as if they had made an unspoken agreement to go there. Unlike that night one year prior, the park was filled with people, but couples were the most prominent, and for some reason that bothered Kyuhyun. He remembers wanting to hold Donghae’s hand like he had that night, wanting to experience the same glow in his chest that he felt whenever they made physical contact, but what he remembers more is how wanting that feeling terrified him.
And just like that night the year before, Kyuhyun and Donghae stood atop the N. Seoul Tower. It was probably nearing nine o’clock, although Kyuhyun had lost time by that point and to be honest he didn’t really care. What he did mind was the fact that they had been in relative silence for a large majority of the day, but of course he lacked the words to say to change that.
“Kyuhyun.”
He remembers looking over to Donghae, whose head was pressed against the glass. It seemed to have started to snow.
“Yes?”
Donghae sighed heavily. “I forgot to get you a Christmas present.”
“That’s okay. I didn’t get you one, either,” Kyuhyun patted Donghae on the shoulder. “Besides, the only thing I wanted wasn’t something you can buy.”
Donghae looked over at Kyuhyun with a look that made Kyuhyun’s skin crawl; it was as if the older man could see directly into his mind and read his most private thoughts. He nearly jumped as Donghae took three steps toward him; making their faces so close together that Kyuhyun could feel Donghae’s breath on his lips.
“What is it that you wanted?” Donghae whispered, looking the younger man directly in the eye, causing Kyuhyun’s knees to tremble. Kyuhyun’s brain faltered momentarily as he turned the question over repeatedly in his mind.
“I want you to be happy.”
Kyuhyun gasped as Donghae pressed their lips together, his knees practically giving way as the warm glow in his chest flared up. He remembers the disappointment that flooded over him when Donghae pulled away, but it didn’t matter because Donghae, for the first time in what seemed like months, had a smile on his face.
Once again, Kyuhyun remembers walking home from Namsan hand in hand, laughs and smiling echoing around them. The only difference was that this time, the only thing that was intoxicating them was each other.
__________
The end of the year was generally very mild, Kyuhyun remembers. With most of the members of Super Junior away visiting their families, Donghae and Kyuhyun devoted their time solely to each other, spending every waking (and non-waking) moment in each other’s presence. They spent their mornings in Donghae’s bed drinking hot chocolate in silence, their afternoons stealing small kisses while watching old Christmas movies and their nights in the city, wandering aimlessly hand-in-hand without any direction or reason.
They never formally discussed what to call this - this thing - that had started between them, but that was okay, for now. Kyuhyun figured that, at least it was something, and something was always better than nothing.
end of part 2.
Go to Part 3.
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 3,548
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1
A/N: For some reason this part seems significantly shorter than the first, although there's practically the same amount of words. I'm really sorry ^^;
__________
Kyuhyun remembers Donghae's birthday celebration a little differently.
What he remembers most is the feeling in his gut; the way his insides seemed to be beaten by the wings of butterflies. He remembers looking out over Seoul from the top of the tower with the sunset behind it, feeling as if he weren't sure whether he was going to puke or pass out or cry or what. From the looks of it, he just seemed to be scared of heights, but there was more to it than that. So much more.
Anxiety was simply not something Kyuhyun was used to. The only other times he had this feeling was the first time he led the choir in church and during his audition for SM, and even those dreadful experiences were relatively harmless compared to the dilemma plaguing his psyche at the moment.
Then Donghae showed up and, sweet almighty lord Jesus, Kyuhyun thought he was literally going to cry. He could feel his knees giving out beneath him, the wave of panic spreading through him like wildfire set to dry grass. This was a completely foreign feeling to Kyuhyun; he was no stranger to lust, that's for damn sure, but this feeling was a whole new ball field. All he wanted to do was run in the opposite direction - away from Donghae, away from Namsan Park and the observation tower and anything relating to it. He wanted to crawl in his bed, eat some ramen and play Starcraft for three days straight; but instead he smiled warmly, deciding this was not the time to be a selfish brat and that the right thing to do was to actually make Donghae's night worth something. Besides, if he left, he would have stolen that soju for nothing.
The look on Donghae's face when he showed him the bottle of soju made the hassle of actually obtaining it worth it on so many levels. Sure, Kyuhyun lied a little bit -- but only a little. Kyuhyun's parents’ liquor cabinet was actually locked tighter than Fort Knox, and he only managed to get into it because he took the key out of his father's sock drawer earlier that day. Ah-ra caught him shoving the bottle in his bag and immediately blew up, but he managed to persuade her -- he tends to be very persuasive in tight situations, fortunately for him -- only because he threatened to reveal to his mother that he wasn't the one to break the rose-painted vase.
Traveling to Myeong-dong from the observation tower seemed like seconds. They stood in the cable car -- which, fortunately for them, was practically empty save for an old man and his wife -- shoulder to shoulder, each taking a sip from the soju bottle every few minutes. Donghae was quick to succumb to inebriation, already beginning to lose his balance before they even got off. It was honestly quite adorable, the way Donghae clutched to Kyuhyun like a life preserve and giggled every time. At least it gave them an excuse to be closer.
As they made their way out of Namsan, Donghae was at the point where he could barely even walk on his own. Kyuhyun was nowhere even close to the point of inebriation that Donghae was -- sure, a slight buzz in the back of his head, but that's nothing compared to being so sloshed you’re stumbling off a cable car. Kyuhyun wrapped his arm securely around Donghae's waist and held him up, a warm feeling spreading through his body at the idea of them being in so much physical contact. Even this, this desire to just touch him without being sexual seemed so alien to Kyuhyun, he almost wanted to just let him go right there and scamper off into the city.
"Kyuhyun," Donghae hiccupped, looking up at the older man with a crooked smile. "You're really pretty."
"Stop talking, Donghae," Kyuhyun said, attempting to prop him up better. "You're drunk."
Donghae took his arm off Kyuhyun's shoulder and gasped, pointing at the market directly in front of them with wide eyes.
"You brought me to Myeong-dong! LET'S GO SHOPPING!" Donghae cried, stomping his way towards the shops, making Kyuhyun seriously regret taking that soju.
"D--Hyung! Where are you going?!" Kyuhyun called, attempting to keep the older man within reach, although his attempt proved pointless. Donghae didn't even look back.
"KYUHYUN, I NEED MORE CLOTHES," He bellowed, marching right into the middle of the street -- in the middle of delivery hours. Kyuhyun jogged to catch up with him, but it seemed in his drunken stupor Donghae suddenly walked faster than the average adult male could run. It was then that a massive white delivery truck with a common brand name painted on its side roared to life, and Kyuhyun knew this was going to be a problem. It was just as the truck began to barrel down the street that Kyuhyun reached out and yanked Donghae by the arm and pulled him close, preventing him from becoming a part of the pavement. "Oh my god, Kyuhyun, what is your pro--!"
Kyuhyun silenced him by pressing his lips hard against Donghae's, holding the drunken man's body tight against his own, restricting most movement. Luckily, Donghae didn't try to escape; no, instead he threw his arms around Kyuhyun and deepened the kiss, ignoring all passers-by who stared or made remarks. It was only when the cops came that Kyuhyun decided to act on a whim and run for it, dragging a sloppy Donghae behind him like a kite in the wind.
It was because of that night that Kyuhyun knew -- there was no way you could even try to deny it, no way to write it off as 'reading too much into it.' Kyuhyun wanted Donghae in the worst way, wanted to know who he was, wanted to touch him, feel him, be with him -- and he couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the way Donghae had clutched to him as if Kyuhyun were his last hope. Or the way that his hands immediately flew to the back of Kyuhyun's neck, deepening the kiss, making sure it didn't end unless Donghae said it was going to end.
Or maybe it was simply just fate. Maybe it was the fact that, for some bizarre and unexplainable reason, North and South were really meant to attract.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers how long it took for something of significance to happen between them again.
He knew it was longer than two months, for he remembers how, on Valentine's Day, he was irrationally disappointed in not receiving anything from Donghae, although he didn't really have room to complain because he didn't get Donghae anything either. It was probably more like six months -- yes, it was, because it was right after he first debuted with the newly-regrouped Super Junior.
Donghae was sick with the flu one week, his nose running faster than Niagara Falls and his voice sounding like a rusty gear. He remembers because poor Ryeowook was on his beckoned call, delivering chicken broth, tea with honey and tissues like it was his paying job. Kyuhyun, being the new official maknae of the group, surprisingly gained some sympathy and offered to help him out with the task, but that was apparently funny to Ryeowook, who spent the next three hours laughing at him.
"I feel like death," Donghae said from the comforts of the couch, wrapped in a comforter and clutching a bowl of soup like it was his only lifeline.
"You look worse than death, sorry to say," Kyuhyun made himself comfortable next to the older man and decided to put on some television, although after looking through the channels he decided there wasn't anything worth watching. "Have you slept at all?"
"I can't," Donghae said, attempting to take a sip of his broth and spilling it on his blanket. He cursed and tried to wipe it up while Kyuhyun took the bowl from him. "You heard me last night, didn't you? It constantly felt like I had a spider sitting in my throat." Kyuhyun took a spoonful of broth and shoved it into Donghae's mouth, the warmth feeling like liquid heaven against the older man's dry and injured throat.
After feeding him the entire bowl, spoonful by spoonful, Kyuhyun helped the older get into bed in an attempt to help him get some rest.
"Stay with me," Donghae ordered just as Kyuhyun was leaving the room.
"Why? I fed you, why should I have to watch you sleep?"
"Because I don't want to be lonely, and you're already in here anyway," Donghae snuggled into bed and pressed himself against the wall, giving Kyuhyun room. "Besides, it will give you a bed to sleep on."
Kyuhyun remembers laughing at this and obliging, not being able to decide whether he liked laying in a bed more, or whether it was the fact that he was laying in a bed next to Donghae. He took Donghae's hands in his own and watched as the older man's lids fluttered close and a feeling he couldn't pinpoint washed over him. It was a different feeling than the night of Myeong-dong, although it was along the same idea. It was a feeling that made his palms sweat, his heart pound, his mind wander and words fail him; a feeling that he can only describe as adoration. Whenever Donghae spoke, Kyuhyun could never snap back with some sort of snide remark, could never give him attitude or think of anything witty. No, the only thing Kyuhyun could give to Donghae was affection, and this realization terrified Kyuhyun beyond his wits. He was petrified of any sort of emotional attachment with anything other than Starcraft, because past experiences had proven that romance was not something Kyuhyun was good at, in any way, shape, or form. But the way Donghae snuggled into him, the way the older man's breath whispered against Kyuhyun's neck made his flight response falter; instead, he simply pulled the older man close and shut his own eyes, and figured he could deal with the complications later -- there was always tomorrow for things such as these.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers August 8th, 2006 very vividly, although it was a day he rather would have forgotten.
It was a disgustingly humid day, he remembers because the air conditioning had broken, leaving everyone scattered around the dorm with ice packs on their heads while maintenance attempted to correct the problem.
They had all recently got their first real paychecks, paychecks they could actually call their own, could actually do what they wanted with. Siwon, the sweetheart he was, had donated his entire paycheck to his church while Sungmin had gone out and bought everything pink he could lay his hands on. Most of them had plans of spending their paychecks solely on themselves, the idea of giving the check to anyone else never even crossing their minds.
But Donghae was different. Kyuhyun remembers walking into their room from the shower (already fully dressed, mind you -- let's not get ahead of ourselves here) and seeing Donghae sitting on his bed, staring down at his paycheck with a dopey smile on his face that made Kyuhyun want to hit him for being too cute. In hindsight, Kyuhyun realized it was a good decision on his part that he didn't follow through with this action.
"What's the grin for?" Kyuhyun asked, sitting on a bean bag in the corner of the room -- he didn't have a bed of his own at this point, and the mat on the floor wasn't exactly comfortable for sleeping, let alone sitting.
"I'm going to bring this home," Donghae grinned down at the check, his fingers running over the frail paper as if it were a sacred artifact. "My family needs it more than I do...medical bills are really high nowadays." Kyuhyun nodded, not understanding the medical bill part but figured it wasn’t really important.
And then Donghae's phone rang; a simple little melody that echoed throughout the room. Kyuhyun reached behind the bean bag and pulled out his Nintendo DS, figuring he could waste some time playing Pokémon while secretly eavesdropping on the conversation.
"Auntie!" Donghae cried as he picked up the phone. "I haven't heard from you in so long, how are...what? No, nobody's called me. Why? What's going on?"
Kyuhyun turned down the volume on his DS, the tinny battle music proving to be very distracting while trying to eaves drop. He continued to play, though, listening to Donghae breathe while the voice on the other end of the line spoke for several minutes. Kyuhyun swore under his breath when his attempt to catch a wild Doduo while on the Pokémon Safari failed.
It was Donghae's sharp intake of breath that finally made Kyuhyun look up from his game, and he could tell by the way the color was quickly leaving Donghae's face that something was seriously wrong. "Has everything been arranged?" Donghae's voice trembled and fear began to wash over Kyuhyun, although he wasn't sure why, since it didn’t have anything to do with him. "Okay. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible. I'll take a train out tonight. Yeah. Goodbye." Donghae closed his phone and stared at it, his fingers sliding over the shiny plastic surface and his shoulders beginning to tremble violently.
"Donghae," Kyuhyun hopped up from the bean bag, letting his DS fall to the floor, which surprisingly he didn't care about. "What happened? What's wrong?" Kyuhyun grabbed Donghae by the shoulders and tried to look him right in the eye, but Donghae had a sudden fascination with the ceiling. "You need to talk to me, Donghae. What is going on?" Donghae took a sharp intake of breath, and suddenly tears spilled down his face like a faucet. He looked at Kyuhyun and hiccupped, his bottom lip trembling as he sniffled.
"My father passed away this morning," he said, his voice shaking beyond his control. Kyuhyun gasped and Donghae attempted to smile. "I was going to use my paycheck to help pay for his medical bills. I'll probably just end up paying for the funeral instead." Donghae had to practically choke out the last words in the sentence before he began to wail. Kyuhyun pulled him close, letting him soak his shirt as much as was needed. The way Donghae hiccupped and sobbed against him broke Kyuhyun's heart, much in the way his older sister broke his mother's vase, and it took all Kyuhyun's willpower to not sob along with him. There was absolutely nothing to say in this situation; nothing to make the pain go away, nothing that could ever bring Donghae's father back even for a moment, but if there were, Kyuhyun would have said it in a heartbeat.
Kyuhyun, Heechul and Eunhyuk drove with Donghae to the train station, making sure he safely got on the train to Mokpo. Heechul ordered Donghae's ticket while Kyuhyun and Eunhyuk sat with him, trying to get him to eat something, but he had no appetite. He knew that if he ate anything, it would be regurgitated within minutes anyway, so what was the point?
Kyuhyun remembers heading to the platform with Donghae, side by side while Eunhyuk carried his bags and Heechul trailed behind them. Every few moments, Kyuhyun would gently bump his hand against Donghae's, hoping to elicit something, anything -- a smile, a nod, some sort of recognition -- but the efforts were in vain.
When they reached the platform, Eunhyuk and Heechul quickly said their goodbyes and began to head back toward the car, leaving Kyuhyun and Donghae alone. Kyuhyun remembers Donghae taking his hands and smiling at him, which caused Kyuhyun's face to flush.
"Thank you," Donghae whispered, the tremble in his voice still audible. Kyuhyun smiled.
"I'll see you when you get home," He said, taking one of his hands and ruffling Donghae's hair. "Stay strong, hyung." He leaned forward and cautiously kissed Donghae's forehead, not knowing if this was crossing any sort of boundary; but it seemed to be okay, since Donghae only smiled a little wider. He let go of Kyuhyun's hand and sighed heavily before picking up his bag and boarding the train, leaving Kyuhyun alone.
Kyuhyun remembers that as the first night he ever cried over Donghae.
__________
Kyuhyun remembers that Christmas as being the best one of his life.
His decision that year was to spend the holiday away from his family, a decision he would initially regret, but eventually forgive himself for making. Never in his eighteen years on this earth had he ever skipped a holiday with his parents, not even his birthday. But this Christmas was different; this year, someone needed him to be around more than his parents did, and that person was Donghae.
After the devastating loss of his father, Donghae had resorted to being a zombie-
No, that’s not right. Donghae wasn’t a zombie at all. Kyuhyun remembers describing what Donghae had become as being a crab - the outer shell of Donghae was still there, but the inside was someone different, like someone had stolen Donghae's body but threw out his personality. No longer was Donghae the excited, happy-go-lucky child at heart he once was. It was as if that side of Donghae had died along with his father, and Kyuhyun took it upon himself to remedy that.
Kyuhyun remembers the look of disgust on Donghae’s face when he was woken up by Kyuhyun belting out Christmas songs, and realizing that it was only 7AM. He remembers how Donghae griped for the entire two hours he spent getting ready, complaining that it’s Christmas Eve, and you’re supposed to sleep in on Christmas Eve and wake up early on Christmas Day, and Kyuhyun seriously needed to get his priorities straight. He also remembers not listening to half of what Donghae said.
They didn’t do much of anything that day, but Kyuhyun decided that was fine. They did go out for dinner at a restaurant called Bennigan’s, where they both ate cheeseburgers in silence. Kyuhyun began to realize that he was starting to pay for all of Donghae’s meals whenever they would go out, and he realized he didn’t really mind.
They somehow ended up in Namsan Park afterwards, as if they had made an unspoken agreement to go there. Unlike that night one year prior, the park was filled with people, but couples were the most prominent, and for some reason that bothered Kyuhyun. He remembers wanting to hold Donghae’s hand like he had that night, wanting to experience the same glow in his chest that he felt whenever they made physical contact, but what he remembers more is how wanting that feeling terrified him.
And just like that night the year before, Kyuhyun and Donghae stood atop the N. Seoul Tower. It was probably nearing nine o’clock, although Kyuhyun had lost time by that point and to be honest he didn’t really care. What he did mind was the fact that they had been in relative silence for a large majority of the day, but of course he lacked the words to say to change that.
“Kyuhyun.”
He remembers looking over to Donghae, whose head was pressed against the glass. It seemed to have started to snow.
“Yes?”
Donghae sighed heavily. “I forgot to get you a Christmas present.”
“That’s okay. I didn’t get you one, either,” Kyuhyun patted Donghae on the shoulder. “Besides, the only thing I wanted wasn’t something you can buy.”
Donghae looked over at Kyuhyun with a look that made Kyuhyun’s skin crawl; it was as if the older man could see directly into his mind and read his most private thoughts. He nearly jumped as Donghae took three steps toward him; making their faces so close together that Kyuhyun could feel Donghae’s breath on his lips.
“What is it that you wanted?” Donghae whispered, looking the younger man directly in the eye, causing Kyuhyun’s knees to tremble. Kyuhyun’s brain faltered momentarily as he turned the question over repeatedly in his mind.
“I want you to be happy.”
Kyuhyun gasped as Donghae pressed their lips together, his knees practically giving way as the warm glow in his chest flared up. He remembers the disappointment that flooded over him when Donghae pulled away, but it didn’t matter because Donghae, for the first time in what seemed like months, had a smile on his face.
Once again, Kyuhyun remembers walking home from Namsan hand in hand, laughs and smiling echoing around them. The only difference was that this time, the only thing that was intoxicating them was each other.
__________
The end of the year was generally very mild, Kyuhyun remembers. With most of the members of Super Junior away visiting their families, Donghae and Kyuhyun devoted their time solely to each other, spending every waking (and non-waking) moment in each other’s presence. They spent their mornings in Donghae’s bed drinking hot chocolate in silence, their afternoons stealing small kisses while watching old Christmas movies and their nights in the city, wandering aimlessly hand-in-hand without any direction or reason.
They never formally discussed what to call this - this thing - that had started between them, but that was okay, for now. Kyuhyun figured that, at least it was something, and something was always better than nothing.
end of part 2.
Go to Part 3.