Through Sickness and Health, Part 4
Title: Through Sickness and Health, Part 4
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 3,297
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
WARNING! Spoilers under the cut.
A/N: More Qmi. Again, this one ended up shorter than expected -_-; Sorry!
Kyuhyun was an asshole.
He knew that; there was no way he couldn’t know it, not with the way Donghae moped around the dorm like a dog left outside overnight through a rainstorm. He couldn’t believe he had let something like this happen, couldn’t believe he didn’t see the obvious signs from Zhou Mi, and absolutely could not even fathom why he had let Zhou Mi get away with it.
He remembers trying to avoid being within one hundred feet of Donghae at all costs; so much that he spent all of his time that he was off-schedule in Zhou Mi’s hotel room. Being near Donghae made him physically sick - not because he found him repulsive, but because he couldn’t stand seeing the damage he had caused. To this day, he has no idea what the hell ever made him let Zhou Mi take advantage of him - a momentary lapse of judgment, maybe? Maybe it was something more serious than that, like a brain aneurysm, or a mild stroke.
Or maybe he was just stupid. Yeah, it was probably that.
___________
“Kui Xian, you’re burning the pancakes.”
He jumped as Zhou Mi shoved him away from the stove a little harsher than he should have, but overall the gesture didn’t even register in Kyuhyun’s mind. Ever since being dumped, Kyuhyun was a little - well, more than a little - scatterbrained, to say the least. He couldn’t focus for shit anymore it seemed; he was dazed during shows, spaced out during fan meetings and half the time he could hardly remember his band mates’ names. (Except Heechul and Eunhyuk. It’s hard to forget their names when they ever-so-kindly offered to perform a castration on you, free of charge.)
He remembers how kind Zhou Mi was being with the entire situation, although he wasn’t sure if it was pity because he was hurting or guilt for being a home-wrecker; and Kyuhyun will never deny that he hoped it was the second reason. He resented Zhou Mi’s entire existence at this point, he figured the least the guy could do was make him some pancakes after ruining his relationship.
Even still, Zhou Mi was all he had at this point in the way of companionship, which Kyuhyun believed was God’s way of punishing him. With the announcement to the other eleven members of their break-up, Kyuhyun was officially dumped not only by Donghae but also by the rest of the group. It got so bad that during interviews, the others would act friendly while on camera but once the camera panned to a different member, he would get jabs in his back, his hair would be pulled and threats would be whispered in his ear through forced smiles. He had no idea that the other members were wrapped around Donghae’s finger like a bow, but he didn’t know if he could take an entire career’s-worth of torment from eleven people who were supposed to be his closest friends.
___________
Kyuhyun couldn’t deny it - he felt awkward around Zhou Mi.
Maybe it was the fact that Zhou Mi fell all over him like a lovesick teenager; constantly playing with his hair or his fingers, laughing at every little thing he said, and saying his name in a stupid sing-song voice that, quite frankly, made Kyuhyun sick. Maybe it was because he knew that this was Zhou Mi’s attempt to get Kyuhyun to himself and make the idea of “Kyuhyun & Donghae” strictly a thing of the past.
Maybe it was because Kyuhyun knew he wasn’t going to get over Donghae. Not that easily.
Initially, Kyuhyun thought perhaps that was the right approach to take - he had someone here who clearly wanted him, and that maybe he could use Zhou Mi as a rebound. Maybe their relationship could actually work out; maybe they’d end up being the next “Kyuhyun & Donghae,” and maybe Zhou Mi could help him dump some of his emotional baggage. Hell, at this point, the worst case scenario would be that Zhou Mi was his bi-weekly booty call.
That idea didn’t last very long, not when Zhou Mi brought up the two of them moving into an apartment together after a week of Kyuhyun staying in the hotel room.
___________
Kyuhyun remembers nobody calling him on his birthday that year. Not one.
Not even his parents or sister called. He was expecting the cold shoulder from his band members, but the neglect from his family made it seem that either it was a harsh coincidence or Donghae had seriously been making rounds with the story.
Zhou Mi woke him up that morning by letting him sleep soundly past eight o’clock, then practically killing him when he knocked a picture frame off the wall and having it hit Kyuhyun in the head. His birthday present from Zhou Mi was the promise to never dust while Kyuhyun was sleeping ever again.
The day was well spent; as an apology, Zhou Mi went out and bought a chocolate-and-peanut butter cake (which Kyuhyun ate in its entirety in one sitting) while watching crappy romance movies, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Pretty Woman bored him to death and Titanic was far too long, but he rather enjoyed The Notebook and bawled like a baby while watching Moulin Rouge. He remembers ignoring Zhou Mi’s comment about him being a fifteen-year-old girl in a gay man’s body.
___________
“You know, I’ve really had it.”
Kyuhyun remembers the tone of Zhou Mi’s voice being quite alarming - the sweet-as-honey melody that normally emitted from his throat was suddenly rigid and harsh, something you never heard from the ever-so-gentle Mimi. Regardless, he didn’t peel his eyes away from the TV; instead, he simply changed the channel and shoved a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.
“Had what?”
“This is getting ridiculous, Kui Xian. I am sick of seeing your lazy ass taking up space on the couch.”
Kyuhyun shoved another spoonful in his mouth. “I can move over.”
“That isn’t what I meant and you know it. When was the last time you left this apartment on your own terms? You haven’t. The only time you see the light of day is if you’re forced to go, you know, do your job once or twice a week. Your diet has consisted of nothing but chocolate and ice cream and the most exercise you ever get is if I force you to sleep with me or if you jerk off in the shower. God, if I had known you were going to be this pitiful I never would have even attempted to get your attention.”
Kyuhyun looked up at this but didn’t say anything; there wasn’t really anything to say. He knew Zhou Mi was right; he was getting disgusting - he had gained about fifteen pounds in a month and he showered maybe every three days. The truth was, without Donghae in his life, hygiene and health really didn’t matter to him.
He sighed and looked back at the TV; maybe if he ignored the problem long enough, Zhou Mi would just go away.
“Cho Kyuhyun, so help me God.”
It was a shock when Zhou Mi said his Korean name, considering the only way Zhou Mi ever addressed him was with a chime of “Kui Xian~~”. Regardless, Kyuhyun still didn’t peel his eyes from the television; one of the original episodes of Pokémon was on and like hell was going to miss it because Zhou Mi was throwing a tantrum.
“Get out. Right now.”
He actually looked up at this.
“But Mimi...it’s Valentine’s Day.”
“Does it look like I care?”
He didn’t take Zhou Mi seriously until he realized that his bags were being chucked out the door.
___________
Kyuhyun remembers wandering aimlessly through Seoul, his bag slung over his shoulder and no real direction in mind. He couldn’t go back to the dorms - not yet, at the very least - and there was no way he would dare even beg for Zhou Mi to let him back in. He didn’t want to go back, even if it meant braving the cold and sleeping in an alley.
He doesn’t remember how he managed to wander into Namsan, or how he trekked all the way up to the top of the N. Seoul Tower, but he remembers it being like a magnetic pull. He stood on the very same observation deck that he and Donghae had stood on a little over a year before, and then the year before that. It was probably nearing eight o’clock at night, although time didn’t really seem to move at this point. He could see the two of them standing in that same spot - a bottle of soju hidden in his bag; or Donghae pressing his forehead against the glass as he watched the snow fall - and he could feel his chest restrict, his throat close and his breathing become labored. It was like swallowing something you hadn’t fully chewed, the way it slowly slid down your throat, mocked choking and made it difficult to breathe.
He remembers sobbing out loud, thanking the heavens that he was alone as he covered his face in his hands and watched as it started to snow. He remembers the raw ache in his chest, how it practically sent him to his knees, how it radiated throughout his limbs and crawled up his throat. He remembers thinking that he would gladly get into another car accident if it meant this pain would subside.
Saying he hated himself was like pointing out the fact that he was Korean, and he’d be the first to admit it.
He remembers finally pulling himself away from the observation deck, rushing down the stairs in tears and practically knocking someone over in the process. He muttered a quick apology to the man and continued on his way, not even realizing who he had just passed.
___________
He woke up the next morning in a room that wasn’t familiar right away, although he realized where he was once he saw a pile of his old textbooks and his ancient desktop computer. To this day he still can’t remember walking all that way to his parents house (a good eight miles from Namsan,) but he figured it didn’t really matter, because at least he had a bed to sleep in.
He remembers walking into the kitchen and seeing his parents, who quite obviously were not surprised to see him. His mother passed him a bowl of rice and a cup of tea, and the first thing his father asked him was why he thought he could just walk into the house at two in the morning. He didn’t really have an answer, but his father luckily didn’t press for one. He remembers ignoring the comment his mother made about his significant weight gain.
He remembers attempting to soak up some positive vibes after breakfast by sitting in the tub with bubbles up to his chin, but he could tell it wasn’t working. He remembers letting his head soak just above the surface, listening to the silence, and he remembers seeing flashes of him and Donghae on his eyelids - holding hands in Namsan, kissing on the observation deck, making towers out of turkey sandwiches and crackers. He remembers the feeling that flooded through his system, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time; a feeling like he had drank a gallon of hot chocolate in the middle of December. He didn’t feel the raw ache in his chest, didn’t feel the tears forming behind his eyes. He felt like, for the first time in about a month, that he was okay.
He remembers his cell phone ringing when he was in that halfway-stage between sleep and consciousness and he remembers how he almost dropped it in the tub as he attempted to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey...you actually answered.”
And just like that, just at that one sentence that okay feeling he had felt just thirty seconds before was gone in an instant, replaced by the feeling that he was going to vomit. He took in a shaky breath, bracing himself before speaking.
“Um...hi, Donghae.”
“I was wondering if you were planning on coming back to the dorms any time soon. Um...Teukie hyung was thinking of buying you a bed.”
Of course, Kyuhyun remembers thinking, mentally hitting himself for even dreaming he could want to talk about anything else. He remembers sighing heavily, weighing the possibilities in his mind -
He could go back to the dorms. He could try and tolerate seeing Donghae every second of the day, he could try and hold back his urges to jump the man’s bones at every moment, and he could attempt to tolerate the bullying and the torment from the other members. Or, he could stay at home, impose on his parents and sleep in a bedroom that was far too small for him, all while hearing the griping from his father about his being an entertainer and not a lawyer like he had originally planned.
He remembers the surprise he felt when Donghae spoke again. “It’d be nice if you came home. It’s not the same without you here.”
___________
Kyuhyun remembers how, two days later, he met up with Zhou Mi at Bennigan’s.
Zhou Mi had called about an hour after Donghae had, begging for forgiveness for tossing his ass on the street, that he was just stressed out and wasn’t used to having his couch occupied, and that he really wanted Kyuhyun to come back. At this point, Kyuhyun didn’t want to have any contact with Zhou Mi unless it had something to do with work, and even that seemed to bug him. Zhou Mi had done nothing but ruin his life up to this point, there was no reason to talk to him.
“I’m really sorry,” Zhou Mi said as he played with his salad, looking down at his food instead of at Kyuhyun. “I...I wasn’t thinking. I was wrong...I’m sorry. Please come back? I miss you.” He remembers how Zhou Mi reached across the table to grab Kyuhyun’s hand, but Kyuhyun instead picked up his chicken sandwich and gnawed off a mouthful - his way of kindly rejecting the gesture. Zhou Mi took the hint. “I mean...it’s not like you and Donghae will be getting back together, right?”
Kyuhyun stopped chewing, not even bothering to swallow before snapping, “You don’t know that.”
“Well...no, I don’t, you’re right. But you know it’s not likely.”
“I’m moving back into the dorms,” Kyuhyun took another bite of his sandwich, watching as Zhou Mi’s face fell. “Donghae wants me to come home.”
“But he doesn’t want you back.”
“This is a start, Zhou Mi. I’m sorry.”
He remembers initially feeling guilty, what with the way Zhou Mi looked like he was going to cry, but he realized it wasn’t worth it. It was sort of like revenge, if you thought about it - his dreams were crushed by Zhou Mi. It was kind of like returning the favor.
He remembers taking out his wallet and dropping the money for his sandwich on the table.
“Don’t call me. Don’t come find me. I don’t want to have to talk to you unless it’s work related.”
He remembers walking out of the restaurant with his sandwich in hand, leaving Zhou Mi alone with his salad, praying he could just close the book on this whole Mimi fiasco and never have to look back on it again.
___________
“Well, look who it is! The prodigal adulterer, returning home!”
Kyuhyun remembers wanting to die as soon as he walked in and was welcomed by Heechul practically foaming at the mouth, making him see that he had never realized just how terrifying the diva could really be.
“What’s the matter, Kui Xian? Is your all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet not appetizing anymore?”
Kyuhyun remembers simply walking away, ignoring the echo of taunts down the hall, and into his room - or, rather, what his room used to be.
He wasn’t surprised to find two beds - he was supposed to be getting one, after all - but he was quite alarmed to find Sungmin in what should have been his. Sungmin profusely apologized, saying that he was to be staying in Leeteuk and Ryeowook’s room, because Donghae didn’t think he could handle that type of closeness just yet, and although Kyuhyun understood, it still killed him inside.
At least Leeteuk and Ryeowook welcomed him with open arms - hell, Ryeowook even said he would let Kyuhyun cry to him if need be, which Kyuhyun was sure he would end up using to his benefit at some point.
Nonetheless, he was still disappointed - he figured he’d at least still be able to share a room with Donghae, which would have given them an excuse to talk things out, to maybe, just maybe...
___________
Kyuhyun remembers the torment slowly beginning to die off.
Most of them welcomed him home with open arms - literally. Hell, even Donghae gave him a hug when he saw that Kyuhyun had returned; although it was one of those awkward hugs you would give your ex-best friend from high school who you haven’t seen in twenty years, but Kyuhyun honestly didn’t mind. This was progress, and his motto of something is better than nothing still managed to hold true.
Heechul was the last to come round, and it didn’t even occur until Leeteuk had a meltdown. They had all been trying to decide what to eat for dinner one night and Kyuhyun remembers being an idiot and suggesting Chinese food, and - well, Heechul’s remarks were bad enough for Leeteuk to threaten to kick Heechul out of Super Junior permanently, regardless of what any manager or higher-up said. After that, everyone in the house was at least on civil terms with him, most of them treating him as if nothing had even happened.
Kyuhyun could say that, at the very least, he was content. The tension had finally died off, nobody was arguing, and although Donghae was still awkward around him, he could at least have a boring conversation about the weather with him and not feel like he was choking, which he figured was a step in the right direction.
___________
Nothing of significance happened in the year 2008.
Kyuhyun remembers his friendship with Donghae slowly beginning to mend, each wound he had caused Donghae slowly beginning to heal, the glue beginning to set in the cracks. This was a step-by-step process, he knew that - but of course, he was impatient by nature, and a year of talking about the weather became mundane and tiresome very quick.
The most that had happened that year was that Donghae and Zhou Mi were reunited, something that excited Kyuhyun as much as a root canal would, and for good reason - Kyuhyun could sense the rage that emitted from the two men as soon as they made eye contact. It was extremely uncomfortable to stand in between two men who wanted nothing more than to grab the other’s jugular and rip; although, he couldn’t deny that imagining Donghae standing over a limp and bloody Zhou Mi, screaming in victory was rather amusing. He remembers Han Geng reprimanding him in the middle of a Chinese variety show that giggling while the host was talking was extremely inappropriate and childish.
As the New Year rang in, Kyuhyun decided he was going to take a new approach to the mending process, and that it was time to be a little more proactive. No longer was he going to sit back and wait for his fairy tale ending to occur; no, he was going to write it himself. He figured it was his life - he may as well try and take the reins instead of just letting the chips fall where they may.
end of part 4.
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 3,297
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
WARNING! Spoilers under the cut.
A/N: More Qmi. Again, this one ended up shorter than expected -_-; Sorry!
Kyuhyun was an asshole.
He knew that; there was no way he couldn’t know it, not with the way Donghae moped around the dorm like a dog left outside overnight through a rainstorm. He couldn’t believe he had let something like this happen, couldn’t believe he didn’t see the obvious signs from Zhou Mi, and absolutely could not even fathom why he had let Zhou Mi get away with it.
He remembers trying to avoid being within one hundred feet of Donghae at all costs; so much that he spent all of his time that he was off-schedule in Zhou Mi’s hotel room. Being near Donghae made him physically sick - not because he found him repulsive, but because he couldn’t stand seeing the damage he had caused. To this day, he has no idea what the hell ever made him let Zhou Mi take advantage of him - a momentary lapse of judgment, maybe? Maybe it was something more serious than that, like a brain aneurysm, or a mild stroke.
Or maybe he was just stupid. Yeah, it was probably that.
___________
“Kui Xian, you’re burning the pancakes.”
He jumped as Zhou Mi shoved him away from the stove a little harsher than he should have, but overall the gesture didn’t even register in Kyuhyun’s mind. Ever since being dumped, Kyuhyun was a little - well, more than a little - scatterbrained, to say the least. He couldn’t focus for shit anymore it seemed; he was dazed during shows, spaced out during fan meetings and half the time he could hardly remember his band mates’ names. (Except Heechul and Eunhyuk. It’s hard to forget their names when they ever-so-kindly offered to perform a castration on you, free of charge.)
He remembers how kind Zhou Mi was being with the entire situation, although he wasn’t sure if it was pity because he was hurting or guilt for being a home-wrecker; and Kyuhyun will never deny that he hoped it was the second reason. He resented Zhou Mi’s entire existence at this point, he figured the least the guy could do was make him some pancakes after ruining his relationship.
Even still, Zhou Mi was all he had at this point in the way of companionship, which Kyuhyun believed was God’s way of punishing him. With the announcement to the other eleven members of their break-up, Kyuhyun was officially dumped not only by Donghae but also by the rest of the group. It got so bad that during interviews, the others would act friendly while on camera but once the camera panned to a different member, he would get jabs in his back, his hair would be pulled and threats would be whispered in his ear through forced smiles. He had no idea that the other members were wrapped around Donghae’s finger like a bow, but he didn’t know if he could take an entire career’s-worth of torment from eleven people who were supposed to be his closest friends.
___________
Kyuhyun couldn’t deny it - he felt awkward around Zhou Mi.
Maybe it was the fact that Zhou Mi fell all over him like a lovesick teenager; constantly playing with his hair or his fingers, laughing at every little thing he said, and saying his name in a stupid sing-song voice that, quite frankly, made Kyuhyun sick. Maybe it was because he knew that this was Zhou Mi’s attempt to get Kyuhyun to himself and make the idea of “Kyuhyun & Donghae” strictly a thing of the past.
Maybe it was because Kyuhyun knew he wasn’t going to get over Donghae. Not that easily.
Initially, Kyuhyun thought perhaps that was the right approach to take - he had someone here who clearly wanted him, and that maybe he could use Zhou Mi as a rebound. Maybe their relationship could actually work out; maybe they’d end up being the next “Kyuhyun & Donghae,” and maybe Zhou Mi could help him dump some of his emotional baggage. Hell, at this point, the worst case scenario would be that Zhou Mi was his bi-weekly booty call.
That idea didn’t last very long, not when Zhou Mi brought up the two of them moving into an apartment together after a week of Kyuhyun staying in the hotel room.
___________
Kyuhyun remembers nobody calling him on his birthday that year. Not one.
Not even his parents or sister called. He was expecting the cold shoulder from his band members, but the neglect from his family made it seem that either it was a harsh coincidence or Donghae had seriously been making rounds with the story.
Zhou Mi woke him up that morning by letting him sleep soundly past eight o’clock, then practically killing him when he knocked a picture frame off the wall and having it hit Kyuhyun in the head. His birthday present from Zhou Mi was the promise to never dust while Kyuhyun was sleeping ever again.
The day was well spent; as an apology, Zhou Mi went out and bought a chocolate-and-peanut butter cake (which Kyuhyun ate in its entirety in one sitting) while watching crappy romance movies, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Pretty Woman bored him to death and Titanic was far too long, but he rather enjoyed The Notebook and bawled like a baby while watching Moulin Rouge. He remembers ignoring Zhou Mi’s comment about him being a fifteen-year-old girl in a gay man’s body.
___________
“You know, I’ve really had it.”
Kyuhyun remembers the tone of Zhou Mi’s voice being quite alarming - the sweet-as-honey melody that normally emitted from his throat was suddenly rigid and harsh, something you never heard from the ever-so-gentle Mimi. Regardless, he didn’t peel his eyes away from the TV; instead, he simply changed the channel and shoved a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.
“Had what?”
“This is getting ridiculous, Kui Xian. I am sick of seeing your lazy ass taking up space on the couch.”
Kyuhyun shoved another spoonful in his mouth. “I can move over.”
“That isn’t what I meant and you know it. When was the last time you left this apartment on your own terms? You haven’t. The only time you see the light of day is if you’re forced to go, you know, do your job once or twice a week. Your diet has consisted of nothing but chocolate and ice cream and the most exercise you ever get is if I force you to sleep with me or if you jerk off in the shower. God, if I had known you were going to be this pitiful I never would have even attempted to get your attention.”
Kyuhyun looked up at this but didn’t say anything; there wasn’t really anything to say. He knew Zhou Mi was right; he was getting disgusting - he had gained about fifteen pounds in a month and he showered maybe every three days. The truth was, without Donghae in his life, hygiene and health really didn’t matter to him.
He sighed and looked back at the TV; maybe if he ignored the problem long enough, Zhou Mi would just go away.
“Cho Kyuhyun, so help me God.”
It was a shock when Zhou Mi said his Korean name, considering the only way Zhou Mi ever addressed him was with a chime of “Kui Xian~~”. Regardless, Kyuhyun still didn’t peel his eyes from the television; one of the original episodes of Pokémon was on and like hell was going to miss it because Zhou Mi was throwing a tantrum.
“Get out. Right now.”
He actually looked up at this.
“But Mimi...it’s Valentine’s Day.”
“Does it look like I care?”
He didn’t take Zhou Mi seriously until he realized that his bags were being chucked out the door.
___________
Kyuhyun remembers wandering aimlessly through Seoul, his bag slung over his shoulder and no real direction in mind. He couldn’t go back to the dorms - not yet, at the very least - and there was no way he would dare even beg for Zhou Mi to let him back in. He didn’t want to go back, even if it meant braving the cold and sleeping in an alley.
He doesn’t remember how he managed to wander into Namsan, or how he trekked all the way up to the top of the N. Seoul Tower, but he remembers it being like a magnetic pull. He stood on the very same observation deck that he and Donghae had stood on a little over a year before, and then the year before that. It was probably nearing eight o’clock at night, although time didn’t really seem to move at this point. He could see the two of them standing in that same spot - a bottle of soju hidden in his bag; or Donghae pressing his forehead against the glass as he watched the snow fall - and he could feel his chest restrict, his throat close and his breathing become labored. It was like swallowing something you hadn’t fully chewed, the way it slowly slid down your throat, mocked choking and made it difficult to breathe.
He remembers sobbing out loud, thanking the heavens that he was alone as he covered his face in his hands and watched as it started to snow. He remembers the raw ache in his chest, how it practically sent him to his knees, how it radiated throughout his limbs and crawled up his throat. He remembers thinking that he would gladly get into another car accident if it meant this pain would subside.
Saying he hated himself was like pointing out the fact that he was Korean, and he’d be the first to admit it.
He remembers finally pulling himself away from the observation deck, rushing down the stairs in tears and practically knocking someone over in the process. He muttered a quick apology to the man and continued on his way, not even realizing who he had just passed.
___________
He woke up the next morning in a room that wasn’t familiar right away, although he realized where he was once he saw a pile of his old textbooks and his ancient desktop computer. To this day he still can’t remember walking all that way to his parents house (a good eight miles from Namsan,) but he figured it didn’t really matter, because at least he had a bed to sleep in.
He remembers walking into the kitchen and seeing his parents, who quite obviously were not surprised to see him. His mother passed him a bowl of rice and a cup of tea, and the first thing his father asked him was why he thought he could just walk into the house at two in the morning. He didn’t really have an answer, but his father luckily didn’t press for one. He remembers ignoring the comment his mother made about his significant weight gain.
He remembers attempting to soak up some positive vibes after breakfast by sitting in the tub with bubbles up to his chin, but he could tell it wasn’t working. He remembers letting his head soak just above the surface, listening to the silence, and he remembers seeing flashes of him and Donghae on his eyelids - holding hands in Namsan, kissing on the observation deck, making towers out of turkey sandwiches and crackers. He remembers the feeling that flooded through his system, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time; a feeling like he had drank a gallon of hot chocolate in the middle of December. He didn’t feel the raw ache in his chest, didn’t feel the tears forming behind his eyes. He felt like, for the first time in about a month, that he was okay.
He remembers his cell phone ringing when he was in that halfway-stage between sleep and consciousness and he remembers how he almost dropped it in the tub as he attempted to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey...you actually answered.”
And just like that, just at that one sentence that okay feeling he had felt just thirty seconds before was gone in an instant, replaced by the feeling that he was going to vomit. He took in a shaky breath, bracing himself before speaking.
“Um...hi, Donghae.”
“I was wondering if you were planning on coming back to the dorms any time soon. Um...Teukie hyung was thinking of buying you a bed.”
Of course, Kyuhyun remembers thinking, mentally hitting himself for even dreaming he could want to talk about anything else. He remembers sighing heavily, weighing the possibilities in his mind -
He could go back to the dorms. He could try and tolerate seeing Donghae every second of the day, he could try and hold back his urges to jump the man’s bones at every moment, and he could attempt to tolerate the bullying and the torment from the other members. Or, he could stay at home, impose on his parents and sleep in a bedroom that was far too small for him, all while hearing the griping from his father about his being an entertainer and not a lawyer like he had originally planned.
He remembers the surprise he felt when Donghae spoke again. “It’d be nice if you came home. It’s not the same without you here.”
___________
Kyuhyun remembers how, two days later, he met up with Zhou Mi at Bennigan’s.
Zhou Mi had called about an hour after Donghae had, begging for forgiveness for tossing his ass on the street, that he was just stressed out and wasn’t used to having his couch occupied, and that he really wanted Kyuhyun to come back. At this point, Kyuhyun didn’t want to have any contact with Zhou Mi unless it had something to do with work, and even that seemed to bug him. Zhou Mi had done nothing but ruin his life up to this point, there was no reason to talk to him.
“I’m really sorry,” Zhou Mi said as he played with his salad, looking down at his food instead of at Kyuhyun. “I...I wasn’t thinking. I was wrong...I’m sorry. Please come back? I miss you.” He remembers how Zhou Mi reached across the table to grab Kyuhyun’s hand, but Kyuhyun instead picked up his chicken sandwich and gnawed off a mouthful - his way of kindly rejecting the gesture. Zhou Mi took the hint. “I mean...it’s not like you and Donghae will be getting back together, right?”
Kyuhyun stopped chewing, not even bothering to swallow before snapping, “You don’t know that.”
“Well...no, I don’t, you’re right. But you know it’s not likely.”
“I’m moving back into the dorms,” Kyuhyun took another bite of his sandwich, watching as Zhou Mi’s face fell. “Donghae wants me to come home.”
“But he doesn’t want you back.”
“This is a start, Zhou Mi. I’m sorry.”
He remembers initially feeling guilty, what with the way Zhou Mi looked like he was going to cry, but he realized it wasn’t worth it. It was sort of like revenge, if you thought about it - his dreams were crushed by Zhou Mi. It was kind of like returning the favor.
He remembers taking out his wallet and dropping the money for his sandwich on the table.
“Don’t call me. Don’t come find me. I don’t want to have to talk to you unless it’s work related.”
He remembers walking out of the restaurant with his sandwich in hand, leaving Zhou Mi alone with his salad, praying he could just close the book on this whole Mimi fiasco and never have to look back on it again.
___________
“Well, look who it is! The prodigal adulterer, returning home!”
Kyuhyun remembers wanting to die as soon as he walked in and was welcomed by Heechul practically foaming at the mouth, making him see that he had never realized just how terrifying the diva could really be.
“What’s the matter, Kui Xian? Is your all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet not appetizing anymore?”
Kyuhyun remembers simply walking away, ignoring the echo of taunts down the hall, and into his room - or, rather, what his room used to be.
He wasn’t surprised to find two beds - he was supposed to be getting one, after all - but he was quite alarmed to find Sungmin in what should have been his. Sungmin profusely apologized, saying that he was to be staying in Leeteuk and Ryeowook’s room, because Donghae didn’t think he could handle that type of closeness just yet, and although Kyuhyun understood, it still killed him inside.
At least Leeteuk and Ryeowook welcomed him with open arms - hell, Ryeowook even said he would let Kyuhyun cry to him if need be, which Kyuhyun was sure he would end up using to his benefit at some point.
Nonetheless, he was still disappointed - he figured he’d at least still be able to share a room with Donghae, which would have given them an excuse to talk things out, to maybe, just maybe...
___________
Kyuhyun remembers the torment slowly beginning to die off.
Most of them welcomed him home with open arms - literally. Hell, even Donghae gave him a hug when he saw that Kyuhyun had returned; although it was one of those awkward hugs you would give your ex-best friend from high school who you haven’t seen in twenty years, but Kyuhyun honestly didn’t mind. This was progress, and his motto of something is better than nothing still managed to hold true.
Heechul was the last to come round, and it didn’t even occur until Leeteuk had a meltdown. They had all been trying to decide what to eat for dinner one night and Kyuhyun remembers being an idiot and suggesting Chinese food, and - well, Heechul’s remarks were bad enough for Leeteuk to threaten to kick Heechul out of Super Junior permanently, regardless of what any manager or higher-up said. After that, everyone in the house was at least on civil terms with him, most of them treating him as if nothing had even happened.
Kyuhyun could say that, at the very least, he was content. The tension had finally died off, nobody was arguing, and although Donghae was still awkward around him, he could at least have a boring conversation about the weather with him and not feel like he was choking, which he figured was a step in the right direction.
___________
Nothing of significance happened in the year 2008.
Kyuhyun remembers his friendship with Donghae slowly beginning to mend, each wound he had caused Donghae slowly beginning to heal, the glue beginning to set in the cracks. This was a step-by-step process, he knew that - but of course, he was impatient by nature, and a year of talking about the weather became mundane and tiresome very quick.
The most that had happened that year was that Donghae and Zhou Mi were reunited, something that excited Kyuhyun as much as a root canal would, and for good reason - Kyuhyun could sense the rage that emitted from the two men as soon as they made eye contact. It was extremely uncomfortable to stand in between two men who wanted nothing more than to grab the other’s jugular and rip; although, he couldn’t deny that imagining Donghae standing over a limp and bloody Zhou Mi, screaming in victory was rather amusing. He remembers Han Geng reprimanding him in the middle of a Chinese variety show that giggling while the host was talking was extremely inappropriate and childish.
As the New Year rang in, Kyuhyun decided he was going to take a new approach to the mending process, and that it was time to be a little more proactive. No longer was he going to sit back and wait for his fairy tale ending to occur; no, he was going to write it himself. He figured it was his life - he may as well try and take the reins instead of just letting the chips fall where they may.
end of part 4.