Comments | slampoetry: There's Coffee in my Bourbon

greasetrap66 in slampoetry

There's Coffee in my Bourbon

Oct 12, 2008 23:53

Feedback please, positive or negative.

"

The goddamn sun beats the shit out of my fuckin' eyes like a sledgehammer. I don't have a 5' o clock shadow so much as 3 days worth of accumulated stubble. Somebody has the radio on and the sound of a banjo's sliding under my door as I push my body up. I woke up on the ( Read more... )

Comments 4

kandidram October 13 2008, 17:03:37 UTC

I know the feeling.
And I like the passion.
Here are a couple of books it made me think you might enjoy reading:
MONEY by Martin Amis. Brilliant.
NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND by Dostoevsky.
STORIES AND TEXTS FOR NOTHING by Samuel Beckett.

Keep writing.
What helps me is to record what I write and then
listen back. I can tell what sounds true and what doesn't
very quickly that way.

greasetrap66 October 13 2008, 17:31:48 UTC

Thank you for taking the time to critique my piece. New authors are always appreciated!

xblank_paper October 14 2008, 00:59:58 UTC

I like your discriptiveness. It's poignant yet has room to be quirky.
Not sure what I think about it being "poetry", cause I'm not sure I know what poetry is anyways.

but this was good. damn good.

babarian_kat October 14 2008, 01:17:29 UTC

I tend to go through hell until I get my coffee too. WHen I'm lucky, my husband isn't using the computer, so I can sip coffee and check my e-mail.
I'd analyze the mess the world seems like before I have my coffee, but like you said, "Who gives a shit?"
I can't tell whether it's a good poem, but I sure can relate.