...Honestly, there isn't any number of words or paragraphs I could say to make you feel any better in your own retrospect, I know that in such a state of mind, one destroys himself bit by bit...belive me, I know. But you do have to understand, that you are not the only one who has felt such guilt, all of us have in ways, all of us wish that we could have hung out with Brandon more, saw him more, told him just how much he fucking ment to us more...but belive me, I know it is no where near what you have to go through...I understand because you and Brandon were friends shit...forever...just like how me, lou, chris and Clay were, shit, Mike too...I understand how you feel, if I were to lose them...oh god...I'd lose my mind...and isanity would be my forever at that point...we are all worried about you in our own rights, be we know you can get through this, we know you can, and you know you got the backs of all your best friends who love you, and understand as best we can what your going through, you know we got your back man, you are
( ... )
i love you andy.. dont feel guilty because you didnt spend as much time as you could of with him, you should smile for being able to spend so many memories with him and be able to meet such a wonderful boy. like jason said we all feel guilty and the could haves and should haves are running through all our minds.. hang in there. love.
You're not alone
anonymous
August 4 2005, 00:27:19 UTC
Andy, I don't even know if you'll read this. I honestly hope that you do. You'll know who I am, and I hope that you'll realize that I love you, and I will always be here for you, even if I don't show it. Hell, I don't show my emotions to anyone, so that's nothing new. But I'm going to put this out here, because you are worth it.
It's sad for me that I don't *really* know you like I should. It haunts me to read your journal postings and see so much of myself in you. The thoughts you describe could have come from my mind when I was your age. I can't pretend to tell you the answers to all the things that trouble you. I'm as fucked up as they come, though I try my best to hide it.
I can't say that I've been through this exact experience, I have not. I can say that I've tortured myself for things that have happened to my friends, some that I actually could have helped. I'm also not trying to be "preachy" even if it sounds that way.
As we grew older Brandon and I grew more apart. I guess if I had to pick an exact time it would be when
( ... )
Continued.. freaking post was too big
anonymous
August 4 2005, 00:29:06 UTC
You wrote: I wanted to scream about how much of a complete jackass I had been, How everyone in that funeral home was better than me because they knew how to keep their bridges from burning with a boy who was absolutely wonderful in life.
Did you burn any bridges? Did you do something so inconceivably horrible that he would never want to see you again? The last time you were together, did you talk together as friends? It sounds as if you did. When he dropped you off, if a stranger had asked each of you, "Is that person your friend?" What would you have answered?
You wrote: I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I really should get it checked out. My own social anxieties seem to control my world and I can see it for what it is now, I just don't know what to do about it.I can't say why you feel like you do. Hell, I can't say why *I* feel like I do. You don't know what to do about it, and that's understandable. But I'd like to help you find out. I can't do anything about the shitty way I've treated you in the past, and it breaks my
( ... )
Brandon... who i miss more than anything
anonymous
August 5 2005, 22:15:37 UTC
i wish i could say something that would help you, but i'm not very good with words like brandon was. i know that he always thought of you like a brother. i remember he drew a cartoon picture of you and showed it to me. i laughed for awhile because it was really you... but cartoon like. it was great. But i know that its hard not to feel guilt for not spending enough time with brandon. But we had no way of knowing that this kinda thing was going to happen. I think it was the day after it happened... i was in my moms room when i heard someone come through the front door, so i walked out into the hall... and u just feel into my arms.... it hurt so bad to see you like that because i know how much fun we all use to have together when we were small. and also the great times of you taking me and brandon to school. i think that is when me and brandon both started listening to some great music like "the ataris". I guess that moment stuck out in brandons and my mind because one of our favorite songs is "i won't spend another night
( ... )
Re: Brandon... who i miss more than anythingtheeternalrestAugust 7 2005, 05:56:54 UTC
The Website isn't quite finished yet, I have almost all the pages done, but I'm having trouble purchasing a Domain since I don't have a debit card, once I get a domain bought, Andy's brother will hoste it for us, I'm hoping it'll be really soon.
Comments 13
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dont feel guilty because you didnt spend as much time as you could of with him, you should smile for being able to spend so many memories with him and be able to meet such a wonderful boy. like jason said we all feel guilty and the could haves and should haves are running through all our minds.. hang in there. love.
-stephani.
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It's sad for me that I don't *really* know you like I should. It haunts me to read your journal postings and see so much of myself in you. The thoughts you describe could have come from my mind when I was your age. I can't pretend to tell you the answers to all the things that trouble you. I'm as fucked up as they come, though I try my best to hide it.
I can't say that I've been through this exact experience, I have not. I can say that I've tortured myself for things that have happened to my friends, some that I actually could have helped. I'm also not trying to be "preachy" even if it sounds that way.
As we grew older Brandon and I grew more apart. I guess if I had to pick an exact time it would be when ( ... )
Reply
I wanted to scream about how much of a complete jackass I had been, How everyone in that funeral home was better than me because they knew how to keep their bridges from burning with a boy who was absolutely wonderful in life.
Did you burn any bridges? Did you do something so inconceivably horrible that he would never want to see you again? The last time you were together, did you talk together as friends? It sounds as if you did.
When he dropped you off, if a stranger had asked each of you, "Is that person your friend?" What would you have answered?
You wrote:
I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I really should get it checked out. My own social anxieties seem to control my world and I can see it for what it is now, I just don't know what to do about it.I can't say why you feel like you do. Hell, I can't say why *I* feel like I do. You don't know what to do about it, and that's understandable. But I'd like to help you find out. I can't do anything about the shitty way I've treated you in the past, and it breaks my ( ... )
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The Website isn't quite finished yet, I have almost all the pages done, but I'm having trouble purchasing a Domain since I don't have a debit card, once I get a domain bought, Andy's brother will hoste it for us, I'm hoping it'll be really soon.
-Windsor
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brandonbass.com is taken, by the way. So it would
have to be something different.
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