I feel so useless. I feel like I can't get anything important done. I just want to run away from my stupid, boring life. Stop hurting so much. Stop being so sad. Stop worrying about what is normal and orderly. Stop being ashamed of where I am with everything.

Pretty strange to look up some customer at work and see that it's you ex-boyfriend's son's mother. I thought she looked familiar. I can do without all these stupid small world reminders.

Goodbye my sweet puppy. Take care of your dad.

Around and around I go. I think of him then I think of me without him then I think of death and how I'm so afraid of dying, of what's after. Then it's just fear fear fear compounding on itself until I dissolve into tears because I'm afraid and he's not there to hold me.

Last night I dreamed of following him to some town, to a mall and watching him with his new girlfriend. I dreamed of being a crazy ex-girlfriend, just sitting there, watching with a terrible feeling in my stomach. All these old co-workers were working there, pushing carts and not seeing me. In fact, no one saw me. I was invisible. No contact, ( Read more... )

I feel like I'm getting worse. I feel sad all the time. I don't want to do anything but read. I don't want to do shit.

I'm so happy that Guy and his girlfriend will be leaving my house. I think it will definitely help my state of mind when I don't have to listen to them fucking all the time. I won't have to smell her weird food stink up my house. I won't have to worry about my kitchen stuff she's using. I won't have to hear her insanely laughing in Guy's room ( Read more... )

FUCKING BROTHER AND HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am disconcerted that I know how I'm going to feel in the near future. I know I'm going to be miserable. I know I'm going to be sad and cry. I know I will feel a heavy weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I know if I don't stop myself I'll just stare off into space and ruminate on how empty I feel. It's a given ( Read more... )

God, I hate being me right now. I really wish I could go back in time.