Fic: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 6/6 -- Jared/Jensen AU -- NC-17
Title: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 6/6
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jared and Jensen are college roommates. Jensen's gay and Jared's straight. Sort of.
Word Count: 7,107
Disclaimer: This is fiction, not real.
Notes/Warnings: Yay! Finished! Extended notes at the end.
One | Two | Three | Four | Five
Jared wakes up groggy and with a mouth that feels stuffed with cotton. He's a little disoriented at first, not quite sure where he is except for the fact that he's lying on a bare mattress with no pillow. He remembers when he sits up, remembers the way Jensen had kissed him, remembers the taste and how Jensen's mouth had opened against his and...yeah. Yeah, that had been nice. Except...oh. Jensen had turned him down.
He groans and flops back down onto the bed. He wants to die a little bit and not just because his head is throbbing. He rolls over onto his stomach, buries his head in his arms as if he could hide from the shame of coming on to his best friend and getting patronized in response. He may be a little bit gay, but he's obviously not very good at it.
He sort of has to pee but he's not going to get up. He's going to lie there and hopefully die of shame, possibly while curled into the fetal position.
He's afforded no such luxury. Not twenty minutes later the door opens and a far-too-cheerful voice crows, "Up and at 'em, hoss!"
Jared groans.
"Now, now, none of that." It's Chris speaking, he's pretty sure of it. "Man shouldn't consume what a man can't handle and it's nearly noon. Jenny's been drinking all my coffee and he's getting twitchy and it's time for all y'all to get back home."
Jared rolls over and sits up, swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
Chris is lounging in the doorway, grinning at him. "Eventually you'll learn to stop when you've had enough. Until then, though." He reaches out and hits the light switch, making the room swirl with multicolored points of light.
Jared groans again and Chris laughs. "Bathroom's down the hall to your right," he says before walking away.
Jared shuffles to the bathroom, takes the world's longest piss, then rinses his mouth out with cool water from the tap. He doesn't expect Jensen to be there in the hallway when he comes out, but he is.
"You all right?" Jensen asks.
Jared nods. He's dying of embarrassment, but other than that he's peachy.
"Good. I don't want you to puke in my truck."
"I won't," he says softly. He follows Jensen out of the house, grabbing his coat on the way. He's quiet on the way back, happy to let Jensen think he's more hungover than he really is. That way, at least, he doesn't have to talk, doesn't have to do anything but lean his head against the window and keep his eyes closed.
"About last night," he says softly as Jensen pulls into the parking lot. Turns out he can't keep his mouth shut even though he really, really doesn't want to talk about it. "I..." Fuck. He doesn't even know what to say.
"You were pretty fucking wasted last night," Jensen says. "Not really in a state to be responsible for your own actions."
Jared just nods. Jensen's giving him an easy out, so he might as well take it.
"Where were you two bitches last night?" Chad asks. He's lounging on the couch in the common room in nothing but his jockeys. Jared tries not to think about the other stuff he's probably done on the couch.
"Drinking," says Jensen.
"Without me?" Chad asks, honestly offended.
"It was just a little thing over at my cousin's," Jensen says. "I'd better hit the books." He disappears into the room he and Jared share and Jared takes a seat on the couch. He's pretty used to Chad lounging around in nothing but his underwear by now.
Jensen comes out a minute later with his backpack slung over one shoulder, "Library," his only explanation when he leaves.
Jared groans and leans back and covers his face with his hands.
"What's up?" Chad asks.
"Tired and hungover," Jared tells him.
"How'd your thing with what's-her-face go? You bang her?"
"Sandy," Jared says with a sigh, letting his arms drop to his sides. "And no. The Sandy thing is just not going to happen."
"That sucks," says Chad. He doesn't have any crude comments or insults to throw at Jared, and that's kind of weird. "What?" Chad asks.
"That sucks? That's all you're going to say? You're not going to tell me she's a bitch or a slut or that I'm a pussy for not sleeping with her?"
Chad shrugs. "Nah. Love shit's tough, man. You don't need me making it worse."
"Okay." Jared says, not sure what else to say. "I need a shower."
Chad hits his fist against his chest a couple times. "Keep your head up," he says. "Solidarity, yo."
Jared laughs and nods. "Yeah. Thanks."
It hits him in the middle of washing his hair. He's in love for maybe the first time ever; he's in love and Jensen doesn't love him back. He can't even pretend that the tears that rush up on him are from getting shampoo in his eyes. He presses his back to the tiled wall, slides down it and curls up in the cramped little cubicle, pulls his knees to his chest and shoves his fist in his mouth to stifle his sobs.
He stays that way, struggling to get himself under control, until the water runs cold. With that first rush of cool water, though, comes a tendril of hope. Jensen's response hadn't been, "You're not my type," or, "forget it ever happened." Jensen had said that Jared had been wasted, not responsible for his actions. Maybe, just maybe, Jensen had thought that Jared hadn't meant it.
He stands up, sticks his face under the cold water, and refreshed and clean, he heads back to his room. Jensen's not back, but that doesn't matter. All Jared has to do is tell him the truth--that he meant it, under the influence or not.
When Jensen get back from the library, though, Jared discovers that telling somebody you're maybe a little bit in love with them isn't as easy as it sounds. He means to say it, but instead what comes out is, "Hey."
"Hey," says Jensen. He sits at his desk and puts his headphones on and cracks open one of his huge textbooks and Jared slumps on his bed, feeling like a loser.
After a few minutes, Jared works up his courage and pushes himself up off his bed. He stands behind Jensen and looks over his shoulder. "What you studying?" he asks.
"Muscular anatomy," Jensen says. He makes a note next to one of the paragraphs then writes something in his notebook.
Jared's trying to think of a response to that, thinks that some sort of invitation for Jensen to study his anatomy might be good. Or really lame.
"Dude," says Jensen. "Personal space?"
"Yeah," says Jared, backing up. "Sorry." He goes back to his bed and puts on his headphones and tries to work up the courage to just say it.
Only, if he just says it, just lays it out like that, it would be easy for Jensen to shoot him down. If he takes a roundabout path, though, well Jensen could respond or not but Jared won't have to worry about a face to face rejection. He's really, really not looking for another face to face rejection.
On the walk to dinner he places his hand against the small of Jensen's back and rubs his thumb against Jensen's spine. While they're eating, he moves his leg to the side so that their thighs are touching. If Jensen notices something out of the ordinary, he doesn't show it. On the walk back to the dorm, Jared realizes he's going to have to step things up.
When Jensen reaches for the stereo remote, Jared reaches out and places his hand on the back of Jensen's neck, slides his hands up so his fingers slip through Jensen's hair.
Jensen turns but doesn't kiss him. Instead, he slams Jared against the wall. "Stop fucking teasing me," he growls.
"I'm not!"
"You are and I'm sick of it. I know it's probably a boost to your ego or whatever, but I'm done. No more. You don't know shit about me, Jay, because if you did you'd know that I'm not a nice guy."
"Of--of course you are," he stammers.
"I'm really not. I appreciate you being cool about this, I do, but you get drunk and come on to me one more time and I'm gonna end up fucking you blind." He shoves his thighs between Jared's legs. "That what you want, Jay? You want me to fuck you so hard you can't even see straight?"
Jared feels panic flare in his chest. He sucks in a shaky breath and shakes his head.
Jensen releases him with a shove. "I didn't fucking think so." He rakes his fingers through his hair and curses, then grabs his keys and is out of the room before Jared can even catch his breath.
He waits all night for Jensen to come back, but he never does.
Jensen doesn't come back the next day, either, or the day after that, though he notices that Jensen must have been home while Jared was at class since his books and some of his things are missing.
Jared calls Jensen's phone three or four times the next day but nobody answers. He sends him a text., call me back, that never gets a reply.
Jared's pretty sure he's at Chris'. Jared's pretty sure he screwed everything up.
When it's Wednesday night and Jensen still hasn't come back, Jared swallows his pride and goes to Chad.
"Can I borrow your car?" he asks.
"For twenty bucks," Chad tells him. "Ow, woman!" he cries when Sophia smacks him in the back of the head. "What was that for?"
"Give him your keys, douche."
"It's my car!"
"And you never drive it. Give him the keys so he can go find Jensen."
Chad frowns. "What's wrong with Jensen?"
"If you paid attention to anything but yourself for more than two minutes at a time you'd know that Jensen hasn't been home in days. Give Jared your keys."
Chad frowns but doesn't argue, digs in his desk drawer for his keys and tosses them Jared's way. "Really?" he asks. "Days?"
Jared nods.
"And he's not just getting laid?"
Jared shakes his head.
Chad sighs and looks troubled. "OK. Fuck, dude. Call me if you need anything."
"I will," Jared tells him.
Chad's parked in the C lot and Jared jogs most of the way there. He's nervous on the drive, doesn't know what he's going to do if he's wrong and Jensen's not where he thinks he is.
He doesn't have to worry for long, though, since Jensen's truck is parked in his cousin's driveway. Jared parks Chad's Jeep behind it and gets out, heading towards the front door before he can wuss out.
He rings the doorbell and waits, is about to knock when the door opens and Chris is there, cowboy hat tipped back on his head, leaning against the doorframe and looking Jared up and down.
"You're not the pizza guy, are you?" he asks.
Jared shakes his head.
"Huh. Guess you got the wrong house, then."
"I just want to talk to him," Jared says.
Chris nods. "Figured."
"Can I come in?"
He shakes his head. "Nope. Don't think you can."
"It's all right," Jensen says from behind him.
Chris sighs and turns. "I swear to God, Jen--"
"I don't need protecting."
"No? Guess you don't remember last year very well then, do you? Because I swear to God, if I have to go through that again--"
"You won't," Jensen says. He reaches out and pushes the door open the rest of the way. "Come on in."
Jared looks at Chris, who just shakes his head and walks away, muttering, "Whatever."
"I was worried about you," he tells Jensen.
"I'm fine."
"You weren't answering my calls."
"Yeah, well, I was pretty embarrassed."
"About what?"
"Come on," Jensen says. He shuts the front door and leads Jared through the house to the room--Jensen's room. There are sheets and blankets on the bed and a few of the boxes have been opened. Jared pauses and looks at the bed. That's where it happened. That's where it all started.
Jensen sees him looking and says, "We can talk somewhere else."
"No," Jared says. He shuts the bedroom door behind him. "No, this is good."
"I'm...fuck. I'm sorry, Jay. I shouldn't have said that shit to you."
"No, if you thought I was teasing then you had every right to say it. I just. I wasn't. Teasing."
Jensen frowns. "Jay, you're not--"
"I don't know what I am. But you're not the first guy I've ever thought about. You just the only one that's been real."
"I can't do the straight boy thing again. I can't date a guy who's just going to be ashamed of me."
"I'm not," Jared says. "Not ashamed and not straight. Not completely, anyway. I mean I can't be. Not with the way I feel about you."
"And when you're over it?" Jensen asks.
"I'm not going to get over it."
"You say that now, but when your mom wants to know if you're dating anybody, you think you can tell her?"
"Yes."
"Really? Just like that?"
Jared pulls his phone out of his pocket, scrolls through his address book, hits dial for the number named home. It rings twice and his heart's pounding.
"Hello?" Megan answers.
"Hey, Meggie."
She scoffs. "Please do not call me that."
"Yeah. Um. So, I kind have to tell you something."
"You've finally cut that mop you call your hair?"
"No. Um." Jensen's staring at him, eyes wide. "I think I'm kinda gay," he blurts. "Or bi, maybe. I don't know. I haven't quite figured it out, yet."
Megan's silent for a moment, then she cries, "I knew it! Are you dating Jensen?"
"Um, not yet. But I really like him and I think he likes me."
"I hate you so much. You could have just told me he was gay, you giant pigfucker. I wore a skirt."
Jared laughs. "Sorry. It wasn't my place to tell you and I kind of hadn't figured things out about myself, yet. Um, I have to go."
"You called to tell me you're gay and you're just going to hang up?"
"Um...yes? And since when do you use the word 'pigfucker?' You know Mama'll wash your mouth out."
Megan sighs. "Whatever. Can I tell Mama and Daddy?"
"I'd really rather tell them myself."
"Fine. Jerk."
"Love you, too," Jared says, hanging up the phone.
Jensen's mouth is open. He lifts his hand, points at Jared, shakes his head. "Did you just...?"
"I'm serious, Jensen. I know that I don't know everything and I know that this is maybe weird but if you're interested, I really, really, really want to give us a chance. No lying. No hiding. I promise."
"Oh, fuck you," Jensen says, but he's moving forward as he says it, cups his hand around the back of Jared's neck and pulls him down for a kiss. "I can't believe you just did that, so easy, like it was nothing," he says when they part.
"I don't know about easy," says Jared. "I might need to sit down." He's shaky and his legs feel weak, and he doesn't think it's just from the kiss.
Jensen guides him to the bed and they sit on the edge.
"I just came out to my sister," Jared says, flopping onto his back. "That's...OK. A little scary."
"Yeah," Jensen says, stretching out next to him. He touches Jared's lips with his fingertips. "Are you OK?"
He nods.
"You sure?"
"I think I'd like to go back to the kissing, now."
Jensen smiles down at him and leans in for another kiss. They scoot around until their heads are on the pillows and they lie gazing at one another.
"You sure you're all right?" Jensen asks.
"I thought you didn't like to talk about feelings."
"I don't like to talk about my feelings. Yours are fine."
Jared sighs and curls up against him. He's turned on but it's all right, he doesn't need anything else than to feel Jensen's body next to his.
They lay there in silence for a long time, fingers intertwined, exchanging small kisses.
"This is nice," Jared whispers, "just like this." He groans when his phone rings.
"Don't answer it," Jensen whispers in between kisses.
"OK." He ignores the phone and it stops ringing, only to start up again thirty seconds later. "Fuck." He fumbles it out of his pocket and looks at the display. "It's Chad. I borrowed his car to get here." He flips his phone open. "Hey, Chad."
"Dude. What's going on? Did you find him? Why didn't you call me?"
Jared smiles. "He's fine. Sorry I didn't call."
"Fuck sorry. Just call next time."
"OK," Jared says. "Later."
"Wait--" is all Chad gets out before Jared flips his phone closed.
"Chad was worried about you," he tells Jensen.
Jensen smiles against his kiss. "Really?"
"I told you he's not a bad guy, just kind of a douche sometimes." His phone rings again and he groans, flips it open. "I said he was fine, Chad. And we're going to have sex, now, so unless you feel like listening to two guys going at it, don't call back." He turns his phone off and tosses it to the ground.
Jensen laughs and kisses him over and over again. "You're serious about not keeping this a secret, aren't you?"
Jared nods.
"And sex? Really? Right now?"
Jared feels himself blush. "I...if you want."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know," he admits. "I want you."
"I'm the only guy you've ever been with?"
"You're the only anybody I've ever been with."
Jensen takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, then sits up.
"What? No. Where are you going?" Jared asks, reaching for him.
"We're going to take it slow," Jensen tells him. "I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret."
"I won't," Jared says. "I promise. I just...come back here."
Jensen smiles at him, leans down for a soft kiss. "Come on. Help me get my stuff together."
"Kissing," says Jared. "Kissing's good."
Jensen kisses him quickly, then gets up off the bed and starts picking up clothes and books. After a minute, Jared sighs and helps him. He knows he's pouting but he can't help it. He'd really rather be making out than packing Jensen's bags, even if it does mean Jensen's coming back to the dorm.
"That was a lot of work," Jared says after a couple of minutes. "I think I deserve a reward."
Jensen laughs and kisses him and, God, Jared's dizzy just from that. It feels so perfect just to take Jensen's head in his hands and kiss him and feel his body so close.
Jensen pulls away again, smiles and pats Jared's chest. "Later," he says.
"Now," Jared whispers.
"Come on. Let's load up the truck."
Jared grumbles but he does it.
"I'll follow you in a minute," Jensen says, reaching up to touch Jared's cheek. "I should talk to Chris."
"'kay," Jared says. He drives Chad's Jeep back to school slowly, hoping that Jensen catches up to him. He's been parked for nearly six minutes when Jensen's truck finally pulls into the lot.
"You wait for me?" Jensen asks.
"Maybe," Jared admits, taking Jensen's duffle bag out of the truck bed.
It's a long walk back to the dorms and Jared's nervous. He's obviously more than a little bit gay and he, God, he came out to his sister and to Chad, and he should really be naked. Not that moment, not with how low the temperatures are and how he really doesn't want frostbite on some of his more tender parts, but he and Jensen could be naked, they could have gotten naked at Chris' and...done stuff. He's not sure what, exactly, but he knows it would have been good. He doesn't really want anything up his butt, but he really, really wants Jensen to suck him again and he's pretty sure he wants to suck Jensen's cock.
"Second thoughts?" Jensen asks as they reach the dorm.
Jared shakes his head, fumbles in his jeans pocket for his key card to let them in. "No, just...I don't know."
"Because you can, you know," Jared says after they climbed the first set of stairs. "Have second thoughts. If you ever don't want to--"
"I do," Jared says. He drops the duffle on the second floor landing and grabs Jensen's arm and spins him around and, God, he's so amazingly beautiful, pink spots of color high on his cheekbones and that mouth that Jared just has to taste. He moves forward and Jensen tips his head up and they're kissing again and Jared is definitely not having second thoughts.
"When we get back to the room," Jared whispers, "I am going to take all your clothes off and do very, very dirty things to you."
"Promise?" Jensen asks breathlessly, his hands twisted in Jared's coat.
Jared nods and kisses him again and he's not sure he can make it another flight of stairs and into the room. He might have to start undressing Jensen right there in the stairwell where anyone could see.
"Jared?"
He looks up quickly and blanches. "Sandy?"
Jensen pulls away and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, looks away from both of them.
Sandy's standing halfway down the next flight of stairs, hand on the railing. "You weren't answering your phone," she says. "And I..." She laughs softly and shakes her head. "This is, um...OK. Unexpected."
"I..." Jared doesn't know what to say. "I didn't--"
"Whatever," she says. She shakes her head again and hurries down the steps, hurries past him and keeps going, her boots clomping on the stairs.
"Go after her," Jensen whispers.
Jared sighs.
"Go on," Jensen tells him. "If you want to keep her, you have to go after her now."
Jensen's shoulders are hunched up and he's staring blankly at the floor in front of his feet. Jared moves towards him and reaches up to stroke Jensen's cheek. "You really are an idiot," he says.
Jensen looks up at him sharply.
"I'm not going after her. It sucks that she found out this way, but she's not the one I want. You got that?"
"You could, though," Jensen tells him. "You could have a girl and be normal."
Jared smiles at him. "Do you think I've ever really been normal?"
"You know what I mean."
"And you're an idiot." He picks up Jensen's duffle bag and slings it over his shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you unpacked."
They walk the rest of the way to their room in silence.
"Sandy just came by," Adam says, not looking up from his Xbox game. "You guys were supposed to go out tonight, I guess."
"Yeah," says Jared. "I, uh, ran into her in the hall." Jensen keeps walking, heads into their room. "Thanks," he says and follows Jensen in. He shuts and locks the door behind him.
"I mean it, Jay," Jensen says softly, dropping his backpack next to his desk. "If you want to be normal--"
"Well, obviously I'm not, so wanting doesn't seem to have shit to do with it," he snaps. "I'm not that guy, OK? I'm not Tom. I'm not going to throw you over for some girl."
"Maybe you should."
"Maybe you're an asshole."
Jensen looks up at him and laughs. "What?"
"My fucking heart's on a platter right now, OK? It's you that I want, and if you don't want me then, fine, but just say it, don't try to turn it around and--"
Jensen kisses him hard, fists his hands in Jared's shirt. "I want you," he whispers against Jared's mouth.
Jared nods. "OK."
Jensen presses his face to Jared's neck, doesn't kiss him or bite, just lays his head there. He relaxes his hold on Jared's shirt, slides his hands around Jared's waist. Jared's arms come up and they just hold on to each other for a long time.
Finally, Jared tugs on Jensen's arm, says, "Come on." They shed coats and boots and end up on Jared's bed, Jared flat on his back, Jensen lying half over him. His buries his head against Jared's shoulder again and Jared can feel the strong, fast beat of his heart.
"Wanted you for a long time," Jensen whispers. His breath is hot against Jared's throat.
"Yeah?"
Jensen nods. "Ever since that movie, that terrible kung-fu movie, when you were laughing into my shoulder. Made my stomach flip. Thought I'd get over it."
"You didn't?"
"No." He kisses the side of Jared's neck. "You had to be such a fucking nice guy, didn't you? Had to be more than just sex on legs."
Jared feels himself blush. "I'm sex on legs?" His voice comes out a lot tighter and a lot less casual than he wants it to.
"Mmm." Jensen nods, kisses his throat again.
When Jared slides his hand up Jensen's back, his thumb gets caught on the hem of Jensen's t-shirt and rucks it up. Jensen's skin is warm against his fingers and Jensen pushes himself up, grins at Jared before taking his shirt off. His chest is nice, strong without being buffed-up. Jared runs his hands over it, grins and hooks his leg over Jensen's--the better to flip him over.
"Hey, now," Jensen says with a laugh. Then Jared pulls his own shirt off and Jensen doesn't complain, just runs his hands up and down Jared's bare arms. "Total sex on legs," he says in a low purr.
"Am not," Jared whispers as he leans down for another kiss, though he kind of feels like he is. Having Jensen look at him like that, want him so much, it's more of a turn on than he ever thought it could be. Jensen wanting him back makes it so much hotter.
Jensen flips them back over, kissing Jared deeply. His hips start to rock and, God, it feels amazing. Jared spreads his legs, lets Jensen settle in between them. He's rock hard and he can feel Jensen's cock rubbing against his own between layers of clothing.
"Want," Jared whispers, his hands moving down to his waist. He tugs at Jensen's fly and Jensen's right there with him, pushing up to get his jeans down. Jared unfastens his own jeans just enough to shove them down his thighs and then they're rubbing together again, cock to cock. The weight of Jensen's body over his is one of the best things Jared has ever felt and he grips Jensen's ass to pull him down even harder.
He waits for the weird to start but it never does. That's definitely Jensen's ass in his hands, definitely Jensen's cock against his, definitely Jensen's balls against his thigh but it's not weird, it's really, really hot. He loves the way Jensen's ass flexes every time he thrusts, loves the soft grunts and moans against his ear.
"Shh," Jensen warns, but he's laughing.
"Feels so good," Jared says as he pushes up and rolls them onto their sides. He wraps one leg around Jensen's thighs, pulls him close. "God," he groans.
Jensen laughs again and puts one hand over Jared's mouth. "Quiet," he whispers.
Jared parts his lips and sucks Jensen's fingers into his mouth, remembers doing it before and how he'd wanted to know if that was what Jensen's cock tasted like. He runs his hands over Jensen's skin, everything he can reach, keeps kissing and rocking against him.
Jensen's eyes are closed and he's moaning low in the back of his throat, fucking Jared's mouth with his fingers.
Jared pulls his mouth away and whispers, "Wanna try something."
"Yeah," Jensen says breathlessly. "Anything." He lets Jared push him onto his back, just sprawls bonelessly there against the wall.
"Move over here," Jared tells him, tugging on his hips until Jensen moves back into the middle of the narrow twin bed. Jared wishes they were still at Chris's for the bigger bed if nothing else. That and the fact that he has to hunch over to keep from hitting his head on the top bunk.
He kisses his way down Jensen's chest, feels Jensen's stomach tense against his lips.
"You don't have to," Jensen whispers.
"Want to," he says, and he does. Mostly. He doesn't let himself think about it too long, just darts his tongue out and runs it over the head of Jensen's cock. It's not weird, really, and it makes Jensen's suck in a shaky breath, which is cool. He does it again, then once more. It tastes like skin and a little bit like come, which is more of a turn on than he thought it would be. There's a little bit of pre-come at the slit and he laps it up, making Jensen shiver.
"Kiss it," Jensen whispers.
Jared looks up at him, sees that Jensen's propped up on his elbows, watching.
"Like this?" he asks. He doesn't look away from Jensen's gaze as he gently kisses the tip.
Jensen's eyes flutter closed and he nods. "Yeah," he sighs as Jared plants soft kisses along the shaft. He's not sure what to do, really, so he does what Jensen had done to him, taking his cock in his fist and stroking it as he leans down to kiss Jensen's balls.
"Close," Jensen whispers. "Really close, Jay."
Jared looks up at him, "I don't know if I can...in my mouth, I..."
"Just keep touching me, k?"
Jared nods, squeezes Jensen's cock a little tighter in his fist. "All right?"
"Good." Jensen rubs his chest, pinches his nipples. "So, so good."
"You look so hot like this," Jared tells him. "So fucking hot. God. I'm gonna jerk off for years thinking about this."
Jensen stills, then grunts once and Jared feels his come splash up onto his chest and arm. It's so hot to watch that he fumbles with his left hand for his own cock, strokes it three or four times, and comes across Jensen's cock and belly.
"You good?" Jensen asks breathlessly as Jared stretches out next to him.
"Mmm." Jared nods, stretches his arm across Jensen's chest. "So good," he says as he slides quickly towards sleep.
When he wakes up, the lights are still on and the clock says it's 2:38am. He gets up to turn the lights off, hurries back to the bed where Jensen's still asleep, his head propped on one arm, his back to the wall.
Jared sits on the edge of the bed, pulls his knees up to his chest, wraps his arms around his legs, stares at the far wall.
Jensen sits up behind him after a while, strokes Jared's shoulder as he kisses the back of his neck. "You all right?" he asks, his voice thick with sleep.
"Yeah," Jared says absently, sighing when he feels the soft press of Jensen's mouth down his spine. Jensen's hands are warm on his cool skin.
"Are you freaking out?"
Jared turns his head so they can kiss. "No," he says. And he's not, not really. He's a little overwhelmed, but he's not freaking out. He's not sad, but he kind of wants to cry. "I wasn't expecting anything," he whispers.
Jensen nuzzles against his shoulder, waits for him to go on.
"I know people talk about sex like it's this huge deal and I just...I thought it was bullshit. I didn't expect it to feel like such a big deal."
Jensen nods.
"Because it is, right? This is a big deal?"
"Yeah," Jensen whispers. He kisses Jared's shoulder. "Yeah, when you're with somebody important, it's a big deal."
"Am I?" Jared asks, turning to face him. "Important to you?"
Jensen nods.
"You're important to me, too," Jared whispers before kissing him gently. He slides under the covers next to Jensen, snuggles close. It's a tight fit in the narrow bed, but he likes being that close.
"Go to sleep," Jensen whispers before kissing the tip of his nose.
"OK."
The next thing Jared knows, it's 7:30 and his alarm is blaring. "Make it stop," he moans, reaching out to slap his alarm clock into silence.
Jensen mumbles something but doesn't wake up.
It's Thursday morning. He has an 8am pre-calc class and a professor who likes to give surprise quizzes. He groans and covers his face with his hands.
"'s wrong?" Jensen asks sleepily.
"I have class," Jared moans.
"Mmm."
"It's not fair. I just...we did this amazing thing last night and now I have to go to class like it's just a normal day?"
Jensen mumbles something that sounds like, "Skip it," and slides his arm around Jared's waist.
"We had sex last night," Jared says.
"Mmm-hmm."
"I really liked it."
Jensen sighs softly against his cheek.
"We should have more sex. Like, a lot more sex. Maybe right now."
Jensen sighs again and Jared can tell that he's falling back to sleep.
Jared stares up at the bottom of the top bunk for a while and contemplates skipping class. In the end, though, the guilt wins out and he just can't do it. He takes a quick shower and when he's back in the room getting dressed, he catches sight of a bruise right where his shoulder meets his neck. He leans towards the mirror and inspects it, realizes it's a hickey. There's the faint hint of teeth marks on his jaw, bruises shaped like fingertips on his ribs. Jensen did that, he thinks, wonders if Jensen's got similar marks from Jared.
He looks over at Jensen, still asleep in his bed, and he wants to check, to explore Jensen's body from top to bottom but it's 7:50 and he's going to have to run to class as it is.
After pre-calc (where there was a quiz) he has Intro to Geology (where there's not). He has lab right after lecture and most everybody else seems to have skipped it so he gets to talk a lot to his professor. He mentions his interest in caves and his professor talks enthusiastically about cave geology and before he knows it, he's got an appointment to talk with his professor about maybe becoming a geology major.
It's a lot to think about, coming as it does right on the heels of realizing that he's more than a little gay and in love with his best friend and has just lost his virginity after eighteen years of hopelessness. He heads towards the dining hall with a flutter in his belly. Jensen doesn't have physics lab on Thursdays so he usually meets them for lunch. He hopes Jensen meets them for lunch and isn't freaked out and disgusted and running half the way to Mexico by now.
"You're not going to try and Queer Eye me now, are you?" Chad asks, falling into step next to him as he nears the dining hall.
Jared looks over at him, unsure of what to say.
"Because I gotta tell you, I do not need a makeover."
"I won't Queer Eye you," he says softly. He wouldn't even know where to start and, God, is he supposed to know stuff like that? Because he totally doesn't know stuff like that.
"Dude, tuna surprise," Chad says forlornly as he looks at the cafeteria's menu board. "I hope the alternate's better."
Jared doesn't mention that he likes the cafeteria's tuna surprise, partly because he knows Chad would give him shit for it and partly because Sandy's standing there with a group of her friends, looking at him like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Um," says Jared, "can I have a second?"
Chad shrugs and walks into the cafeteria without a second glance.
"Hey," Jared says as Sandy's friends hurry off down the hall.
Sandy crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Hey," she says coldly. "You know, I know I was a bitch to you, but I don't deserve to be--"
"It didn't, it just happened," he says. "I didn't plan it."
She sighs and looks away from him and, God, he's going to hell for making a girl cry.
"I really didn't. When I went out with you, I wasn't try to lie or hide or anything. I really did like you at first."
"At first," she repeats.
"I don't know. After that whole thing at the party...I guess I thought I could get over it but...I don't know."
She nods.
"I'm really sorry you had to find out like that."
Sandy wets her lips and nods. "So. I'd say we could stay friends, but we never were friends, were we?"
"Guess not," Jared says softly. "I really didn't plan it. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know that, I guess," she tells him. She looks like she's about to say something else but she doesn't say anything, just turns and walks away.
Jared watches her walk off, only realizes that he's holding his breath once she's around the corner and he lets it out.
He loads up his tray and heads towards the table where Chad and Adam are pretending not to watch him walk up,
"So," Chad says a minute after Jared sits down. "Sandy looked pissed."
"She's just..." Jared shrugs, hunches in his shoulders as he looks down at his plate of tuna surprise. "I don't know."
Chad laughs and rolls his eyes. "Yeah. You have no idea why she's pissed at you. It couldn't be because she just found out you're more interested in cock than snatch."
"Don't say snatch," says Adam, shaking his head. "Only dirty people say snatch."
"I say snatch," says Chad.
"Which proves my point."
"Bitch." Chad dismisses Adam with a scoff. "Seriously, bro, you wanna fuck guys, whatever. But no chick wants to find out she's just a beard."
"She's not," Jared says. "She wasn't, I mean I didn't expect...fuck." He drops his head down, then looks up at Chad. "And you told him?"
"No," says Adam, dipping his fries into a pool of ketchup, "but you do realize that we share a suite, right? You do realize that you're not exactly quiet."
Jared groans.
"My mom's a lesbian," Adam tells him, "so it's not like it's a big deal or whatever. Just...yeah. Not really a secret after last night."
"Your mom's a lesbian?" Chad asks. "Dude!"
Adam sighs.
"Do you ever get to watch her make out with other chicks?"
"She's my mom you fucking weirdo. Do you watch your mom making out with other chicks?"
"My mom's not a lesbian. Also, not as hot as your mom."
"I'm going to kill myself," Adam says conversationally. "Really. I'm just going to slit my wrists right here with this plastic knife."
"Emo bitch," says Chad. "Why don't you just fucking blog about it? And how have I roomed with you for over a semester and you never told me your mom fucks other chicks?"
"Because I was pretty sure you'd react just like this. Oh, shit, it's Rachel." He ducks his head down, glances up at her, looks down again. "Fuck. If she's pissed at me because you're my friend and Sandy's her friend and therefore she has to hate me by association I am so kicking your ass." He looks up at Jared. "Or, you know, I'll just complain about it incessantly because ass kicking? Not really my thing. Especially kicking the asses of guys who are, like, a foot taller than me. Not that you're an entire foot taller than me you're just, you know, kind of unnaturally huge."
Chad sighs. "I miss Tiny."
Jared lets out an offended huff. "He watched me sleep with a knife in his hands. He assaulted the Dean of the School of Architecture. How can you miss Phil?"
"At least Tiny didn't fuck you up the ass."
Jared feels his face heat up, knows he's blushing dark red. "God," he says. "We didn't do that."
"Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? The guys in porn always fuck in the ass."
"Wait," says Adam. "You watch gay porn?"
"I watch all porn," Chad tells him.
"I really didn't need to know that."
"I'm not the one sucking cock. You guys do suck each other's cocks, right?"
Jared groans and shakes his head. "Can we never talk about this, oh, ever again?"
Chad shrugs. "Whatever. Hey, Jensen."
"Hey," Jensen says, taking the seat next to Jared's. He looks around the quiet table, Adam and Chad both looking at him, Jared staring down at his tray. "What's up?"
"They both know," Jared tells him.
Jensen nods, looks from Adam to Chad. "This going to be a problem?"
"Nah," says Chad. "Just, you know. Keep it down."
"You fuck your girlfriend while I'm in the room," Adam tells him.
"Which is more action than you'll ever see for the rest of your life. So you're welcome. Also, Adam's mom does other chicks."
"You're making her sound promiscuous," Adam says. "She's not. She's in a committed relationship."
"With another chick," Chad says.
"It is kinda hot," says Jared.
Jensen laughs.
"I hate you all," Adam tells them.
While Adam and Chad continue to bicker, Jensen presses his foot against Jared's. "You all right?" he asks softly.
Jared nods. "Yeah." He turns to look at Jensen and his breath actually catches in his throat. He knows he probably has a ridiculous smile on his face, but he's so freaking happy that he can't help it. "You?"
"Fantastic," Jensen whispers, leaning towards him.
It's a small kiss, just barely a brush of their lips together. It feels huge. Jared's kissing his boyfriend in public. Hell, the fact that Jared even has a boyfriend feels huge, let alone the fact that anyone who looks at them will know it.
"Hey," says Chad, "happy couple. Break it up before I puke. Nobody needs to see true love while they're trying to eat."
Jared pulls away, blushing. He looks around and no one's staring at them. It felt like such a huge, important thing, kissing Jensen where everyone could see, and no one even noticed. He moves his leg so it's pressing against the entire length of Jensen's, then digs in to eat his lunch.
**********
Jensen Interlude
**********
Extended Author's Notes: So, this was supposed to be all brooding and angsty when I started it, with Jared and Jensen fooling around but never talking about it and there was going to be a lot of hiding and confusion and shame. The story just didn't want to go that way, and I'm glad it didn't. I like the way it turned out.
To the best of my knowledge, Adam Brody's mother isn't really a lesbian, but I bet Chad would still want to watch her make out with other chicks.
I realize the ending is kind of open. I tend to like open endings and usually, even though they leave a lot unanswered, that's where I want the stories to end. In this case, though, I might very well revisit this 'verse. It really was a blast to write.
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jared and Jensen are college roommates. Jensen's gay and Jared's straight. Sort of.
Word Count: 7,107
Disclaimer: This is fiction, not real.
Notes/Warnings: Yay! Finished! Extended notes at the end.
One | Two | Three | Four | Five
Jared wakes up groggy and with a mouth that feels stuffed with cotton. He's a little disoriented at first, not quite sure where he is except for the fact that he's lying on a bare mattress with no pillow. He remembers when he sits up, remembers the way Jensen had kissed him, remembers the taste and how Jensen's mouth had opened against his and...yeah. Yeah, that had been nice. Except...oh. Jensen had turned him down.
He groans and flops back down onto the bed. He wants to die a little bit and not just because his head is throbbing. He rolls over onto his stomach, buries his head in his arms as if he could hide from the shame of coming on to his best friend and getting patronized in response. He may be a little bit gay, but he's obviously not very good at it.
He sort of has to pee but he's not going to get up. He's going to lie there and hopefully die of shame, possibly while curled into the fetal position.
He's afforded no such luxury. Not twenty minutes later the door opens and a far-too-cheerful voice crows, "Up and at 'em, hoss!"
Jared groans.
"Now, now, none of that." It's Chris speaking, he's pretty sure of it. "Man shouldn't consume what a man can't handle and it's nearly noon. Jenny's been drinking all my coffee and he's getting twitchy and it's time for all y'all to get back home."
Jared rolls over and sits up, swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
Chris is lounging in the doorway, grinning at him. "Eventually you'll learn to stop when you've had enough. Until then, though." He reaches out and hits the light switch, making the room swirl with multicolored points of light.
Jared groans again and Chris laughs. "Bathroom's down the hall to your right," he says before walking away.
Jared shuffles to the bathroom, takes the world's longest piss, then rinses his mouth out with cool water from the tap. He doesn't expect Jensen to be there in the hallway when he comes out, but he is.
"You all right?" Jensen asks.
Jared nods. He's dying of embarrassment, but other than that he's peachy.
"Good. I don't want you to puke in my truck."
"I won't," he says softly. He follows Jensen out of the house, grabbing his coat on the way. He's quiet on the way back, happy to let Jensen think he's more hungover than he really is. That way, at least, he doesn't have to talk, doesn't have to do anything but lean his head against the window and keep his eyes closed.
"About last night," he says softly as Jensen pulls into the parking lot. Turns out he can't keep his mouth shut even though he really, really doesn't want to talk about it. "I..." Fuck. He doesn't even know what to say.
"You were pretty fucking wasted last night," Jensen says. "Not really in a state to be responsible for your own actions."
Jared just nods. Jensen's giving him an easy out, so he might as well take it.
"Where were you two bitches last night?" Chad asks. He's lounging on the couch in the common room in nothing but his jockeys. Jared tries not to think about the other stuff he's probably done on the couch.
"Drinking," says Jensen.
"Without me?" Chad asks, honestly offended.
"It was just a little thing over at my cousin's," Jensen says. "I'd better hit the books." He disappears into the room he and Jared share and Jared takes a seat on the couch. He's pretty used to Chad lounging around in nothing but his underwear by now.
Jensen comes out a minute later with his backpack slung over one shoulder, "Library," his only explanation when he leaves.
Jared groans and leans back and covers his face with his hands.
"What's up?" Chad asks.
"Tired and hungover," Jared tells him.
"How'd your thing with what's-her-face go? You bang her?"
"Sandy," Jared says with a sigh, letting his arms drop to his sides. "And no. The Sandy thing is just not going to happen."
"That sucks," says Chad. He doesn't have any crude comments or insults to throw at Jared, and that's kind of weird. "What?" Chad asks.
"That sucks? That's all you're going to say? You're not going to tell me she's a bitch or a slut or that I'm a pussy for not sleeping with her?"
Chad shrugs. "Nah. Love shit's tough, man. You don't need me making it worse."
"Okay." Jared says, not sure what else to say. "I need a shower."
Chad hits his fist against his chest a couple times. "Keep your head up," he says. "Solidarity, yo."
Jared laughs and nods. "Yeah. Thanks."
It hits him in the middle of washing his hair. He's in love for maybe the first time ever; he's in love and Jensen doesn't love him back. He can't even pretend that the tears that rush up on him are from getting shampoo in his eyes. He presses his back to the tiled wall, slides down it and curls up in the cramped little cubicle, pulls his knees to his chest and shoves his fist in his mouth to stifle his sobs.
He stays that way, struggling to get himself under control, until the water runs cold. With that first rush of cool water, though, comes a tendril of hope. Jensen's response hadn't been, "You're not my type," or, "forget it ever happened." Jensen had said that Jared had been wasted, not responsible for his actions. Maybe, just maybe, Jensen had thought that Jared hadn't meant it.
He stands up, sticks his face under the cold water, and refreshed and clean, he heads back to his room. Jensen's not back, but that doesn't matter. All Jared has to do is tell him the truth--that he meant it, under the influence or not.
When Jensen get back from the library, though, Jared discovers that telling somebody you're maybe a little bit in love with them isn't as easy as it sounds. He means to say it, but instead what comes out is, "Hey."
"Hey," says Jensen. He sits at his desk and puts his headphones on and cracks open one of his huge textbooks and Jared slumps on his bed, feeling like a loser.
After a few minutes, Jared works up his courage and pushes himself up off his bed. He stands behind Jensen and looks over his shoulder. "What you studying?" he asks.
"Muscular anatomy," Jensen says. He makes a note next to one of the paragraphs then writes something in his notebook.
Jared's trying to think of a response to that, thinks that some sort of invitation for Jensen to study his anatomy might be good. Or really lame.
"Dude," says Jensen. "Personal space?"
"Yeah," says Jared, backing up. "Sorry." He goes back to his bed and puts on his headphones and tries to work up the courage to just say it.
Only, if he just says it, just lays it out like that, it would be easy for Jensen to shoot him down. If he takes a roundabout path, though, well Jensen could respond or not but Jared won't have to worry about a face to face rejection. He's really, really not looking for another face to face rejection.
On the walk to dinner he places his hand against the small of Jensen's back and rubs his thumb against Jensen's spine. While they're eating, he moves his leg to the side so that their thighs are touching. If Jensen notices something out of the ordinary, he doesn't show it. On the walk back to the dorm, Jared realizes he's going to have to step things up.
When Jensen reaches for the stereo remote, Jared reaches out and places his hand on the back of Jensen's neck, slides his hands up so his fingers slip through Jensen's hair.
Jensen turns but doesn't kiss him. Instead, he slams Jared against the wall. "Stop fucking teasing me," he growls.
"I'm not!"
"You are and I'm sick of it. I know it's probably a boost to your ego or whatever, but I'm done. No more. You don't know shit about me, Jay, because if you did you'd know that I'm not a nice guy."
"Of--of course you are," he stammers.
"I'm really not. I appreciate you being cool about this, I do, but you get drunk and come on to me one more time and I'm gonna end up fucking you blind." He shoves his thighs between Jared's legs. "That what you want, Jay? You want me to fuck you so hard you can't even see straight?"
Jared feels panic flare in his chest. He sucks in a shaky breath and shakes his head.
Jensen releases him with a shove. "I didn't fucking think so." He rakes his fingers through his hair and curses, then grabs his keys and is out of the room before Jared can even catch his breath.
He waits all night for Jensen to come back, but he never does.
Jensen doesn't come back the next day, either, or the day after that, though he notices that Jensen must have been home while Jared was at class since his books and some of his things are missing.
Jared calls Jensen's phone three or four times the next day but nobody answers. He sends him a text., call me back, that never gets a reply.
Jared's pretty sure he's at Chris'. Jared's pretty sure he screwed everything up.
When it's Wednesday night and Jensen still hasn't come back, Jared swallows his pride and goes to Chad.
"Can I borrow your car?" he asks.
"For twenty bucks," Chad tells him. "Ow, woman!" he cries when Sophia smacks him in the back of the head. "What was that for?"
"Give him your keys, douche."
"It's my car!"
"And you never drive it. Give him the keys so he can go find Jensen."
Chad frowns. "What's wrong with Jensen?"
"If you paid attention to anything but yourself for more than two minutes at a time you'd know that Jensen hasn't been home in days. Give Jared your keys."
Chad frowns but doesn't argue, digs in his desk drawer for his keys and tosses them Jared's way. "Really?" he asks. "Days?"
Jared nods.
"And he's not just getting laid?"
Jared shakes his head.
Chad sighs and looks troubled. "OK. Fuck, dude. Call me if you need anything."
"I will," Jared tells him.
Chad's parked in the C lot and Jared jogs most of the way there. He's nervous on the drive, doesn't know what he's going to do if he's wrong and Jensen's not where he thinks he is.
He doesn't have to worry for long, though, since Jensen's truck is parked in his cousin's driveway. Jared parks Chad's Jeep behind it and gets out, heading towards the front door before he can wuss out.
He rings the doorbell and waits, is about to knock when the door opens and Chris is there, cowboy hat tipped back on his head, leaning against the doorframe and looking Jared up and down.
"You're not the pizza guy, are you?" he asks.
Jared shakes his head.
"Huh. Guess you got the wrong house, then."
"I just want to talk to him," Jared says.
Chris nods. "Figured."
"Can I come in?"
He shakes his head. "Nope. Don't think you can."
"It's all right," Jensen says from behind him.
Chris sighs and turns. "I swear to God, Jen--"
"I don't need protecting."
"No? Guess you don't remember last year very well then, do you? Because I swear to God, if I have to go through that again--"
"You won't," Jensen says. He reaches out and pushes the door open the rest of the way. "Come on in."
Jared looks at Chris, who just shakes his head and walks away, muttering, "Whatever."
"I was worried about you," he tells Jensen.
"I'm fine."
"You weren't answering my calls."
"Yeah, well, I was pretty embarrassed."
"About what?"
"Come on," Jensen says. He shuts the front door and leads Jared through the house to the room--Jensen's room. There are sheets and blankets on the bed and a few of the boxes have been opened. Jared pauses and looks at the bed. That's where it happened. That's where it all started.
Jensen sees him looking and says, "We can talk somewhere else."
"No," Jared says. He shuts the bedroom door behind him. "No, this is good."
"I'm...fuck. I'm sorry, Jay. I shouldn't have said that shit to you."
"No, if you thought I was teasing then you had every right to say it. I just. I wasn't. Teasing."
Jensen frowns. "Jay, you're not--"
"I don't know what I am. But you're not the first guy I've ever thought about. You just the only one that's been real."
"I can't do the straight boy thing again. I can't date a guy who's just going to be ashamed of me."
"I'm not," Jared says. "Not ashamed and not straight. Not completely, anyway. I mean I can't be. Not with the way I feel about you."
"And when you're over it?" Jensen asks.
"I'm not going to get over it."
"You say that now, but when your mom wants to know if you're dating anybody, you think you can tell her?"
"Yes."
"Really? Just like that?"
Jared pulls his phone out of his pocket, scrolls through his address book, hits dial for the number named home. It rings twice and his heart's pounding.
"Hello?" Megan answers.
"Hey, Meggie."
She scoffs. "Please do not call me that."
"Yeah. Um. So, I kind have to tell you something."
"You've finally cut that mop you call your hair?"
"No. Um." Jensen's staring at him, eyes wide. "I think I'm kinda gay," he blurts. "Or bi, maybe. I don't know. I haven't quite figured it out, yet."
Megan's silent for a moment, then she cries, "I knew it! Are you dating Jensen?"
"Um, not yet. But I really like him and I think he likes me."
"I hate you so much. You could have just told me he was gay, you giant pigfucker. I wore a skirt."
Jared laughs. "Sorry. It wasn't my place to tell you and I kind of hadn't figured things out about myself, yet. Um, I have to go."
"You called to tell me you're gay and you're just going to hang up?"
"Um...yes? And since when do you use the word 'pigfucker?' You know Mama'll wash your mouth out."
Megan sighs. "Whatever. Can I tell Mama and Daddy?"
"I'd really rather tell them myself."
"Fine. Jerk."
"Love you, too," Jared says, hanging up the phone.
Jensen's mouth is open. He lifts his hand, points at Jared, shakes his head. "Did you just...?"
"I'm serious, Jensen. I know that I don't know everything and I know that this is maybe weird but if you're interested, I really, really, really want to give us a chance. No lying. No hiding. I promise."
"Oh, fuck you," Jensen says, but he's moving forward as he says it, cups his hand around the back of Jared's neck and pulls him down for a kiss. "I can't believe you just did that, so easy, like it was nothing," he says when they part.
"I don't know about easy," says Jared. "I might need to sit down." He's shaky and his legs feel weak, and he doesn't think it's just from the kiss.
Jensen guides him to the bed and they sit on the edge.
"I just came out to my sister," Jared says, flopping onto his back. "That's...OK. A little scary."
"Yeah," Jensen says, stretching out next to him. He touches Jared's lips with his fingertips. "Are you OK?"
He nods.
"You sure?"
"I think I'd like to go back to the kissing, now."
Jensen smiles down at him and leans in for another kiss. They scoot around until their heads are on the pillows and they lie gazing at one another.
"You sure you're all right?" Jensen asks.
"I thought you didn't like to talk about feelings."
"I don't like to talk about my feelings. Yours are fine."
Jared sighs and curls up against him. He's turned on but it's all right, he doesn't need anything else than to feel Jensen's body next to his.
They lay there in silence for a long time, fingers intertwined, exchanging small kisses.
"This is nice," Jared whispers, "just like this." He groans when his phone rings.
"Don't answer it," Jensen whispers in between kisses.
"OK." He ignores the phone and it stops ringing, only to start up again thirty seconds later. "Fuck." He fumbles it out of his pocket and looks at the display. "It's Chad. I borrowed his car to get here." He flips his phone open. "Hey, Chad."
"Dude. What's going on? Did you find him? Why didn't you call me?"
Jared smiles. "He's fine. Sorry I didn't call."
"Fuck sorry. Just call next time."
"OK," Jared says. "Later."
"Wait--" is all Chad gets out before Jared flips his phone closed.
"Chad was worried about you," he tells Jensen.
Jensen smiles against his kiss. "Really?"
"I told you he's not a bad guy, just kind of a douche sometimes." His phone rings again and he groans, flips it open. "I said he was fine, Chad. And we're going to have sex, now, so unless you feel like listening to two guys going at it, don't call back." He turns his phone off and tosses it to the ground.
Jensen laughs and kisses him over and over again. "You're serious about not keeping this a secret, aren't you?"
Jared nods.
"And sex? Really? Right now?"
Jared feels himself blush. "I...if you want."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know," he admits. "I want you."
"I'm the only guy you've ever been with?"
"You're the only anybody I've ever been with."
Jensen takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, then sits up.
"What? No. Where are you going?" Jared asks, reaching for him.
"We're going to take it slow," Jensen tells him. "I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret."
"I won't," Jared says. "I promise. I just...come back here."
Jensen smiles at him, leans down for a soft kiss. "Come on. Help me get my stuff together."
"Kissing," says Jared. "Kissing's good."
Jensen kisses him quickly, then gets up off the bed and starts picking up clothes and books. After a minute, Jared sighs and helps him. He knows he's pouting but he can't help it. He'd really rather be making out than packing Jensen's bags, even if it does mean Jensen's coming back to the dorm.
"That was a lot of work," Jared says after a couple of minutes. "I think I deserve a reward."
Jensen laughs and kisses him and, God, Jared's dizzy just from that. It feels so perfect just to take Jensen's head in his hands and kiss him and feel his body so close.
Jensen pulls away again, smiles and pats Jared's chest. "Later," he says.
"Now," Jared whispers.
"Come on. Let's load up the truck."
Jared grumbles but he does it.
"I'll follow you in a minute," Jensen says, reaching up to touch Jared's cheek. "I should talk to Chris."
"'kay," Jared says. He drives Chad's Jeep back to school slowly, hoping that Jensen catches up to him. He's been parked for nearly six minutes when Jensen's truck finally pulls into the lot.
"You wait for me?" Jensen asks.
"Maybe," Jared admits, taking Jensen's duffle bag out of the truck bed.
It's a long walk back to the dorms and Jared's nervous. He's obviously more than a little bit gay and he, God, he came out to his sister and to Chad, and he should really be naked. Not that moment, not with how low the temperatures are and how he really doesn't want frostbite on some of his more tender parts, but he and Jensen could be naked, they could have gotten naked at Chris' and...done stuff. He's not sure what, exactly, but he knows it would have been good. He doesn't really want anything up his butt, but he really, really wants Jensen to suck him again and he's pretty sure he wants to suck Jensen's cock.
"Second thoughts?" Jensen asks as they reach the dorm.
Jared shakes his head, fumbles in his jeans pocket for his key card to let them in. "No, just...I don't know."
"Because you can, you know," Jared says after they climbed the first set of stairs. "Have second thoughts. If you ever don't want to--"
"I do," Jared says. He drops the duffle on the second floor landing and grabs Jensen's arm and spins him around and, God, he's so amazingly beautiful, pink spots of color high on his cheekbones and that mouth that Jared just has to taste. He moves forward and Jensen tips his head up and they're kissing again and Jared is definitely not having second thoughts.
"When we get back to the room," Jared whispers, "I am going to take all your clothes off and do very, very dirty things to you."
"Promise?" Jensen asks breathlessly, his hands twisted in Jared's coat.
Jared nods and kisses him again and he's not sure he can make it another flight of stairs and into the room. He might have to start undressing Jensen right there in the stairwell where anyone could see.
"Jared?"
He looks up quickly and blanches. "Sandy?"
Jensen pulls away and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, looks away from both of them.
Sandy's standing halfway down the next flight of stairs, hand on the railing. "You weren't answering your phone," she says. "And I..." She laughs softly and shakes her head. "This is, um...OK. Unexpected."
"I..." Jared doesn't know what to say. "I didn't--"
"Whatever," she says. She shakes her head again and hurries down the steps, hurries past him and keeps going, her boots clomping on the stairs.
"Go after her," Jensen whispers.
Jared sighs.
"Go on," Jensen tells him. "If you want to keep her, you have to go after her now."
Jensen's shoulders are hunched up and he's staring blankly at the floor in front of his feet. Jared moves towards him and reaches up to stroke Jensen's cheek. "You really are an idiot," he says.
Jensen looks up at him sharply.
"I'm not going after her. It sucks that she found out this way, but she's not the one I want. You got that?"
"You could, though," Jensen tells him. "You could have a girl and be normal."
Jared smiles at him. "Do you think I've ever really been normal?"
"You know what I mean."
"And you're an idiot." He picks up Jensen's duffle bag and slings it over his shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you unpacked."
They walk the rest of the way to their room in silence.
"Sandy just came by," Adam says, not looking up from his Xbox game. "You guys were supposed to go out tonight, I guess."
"Yeah," says Jared. "I, uh, ran into her in the hall." Jensen keeps walking, heads into their room. "Thanks," he says and follows Jensen in. He shuts and locks the door behind him.
"I mean it, Jay," Jensen says softly, dropping his backpack next to his desk. "If you want to be normal--"
"Well, obviously I'm not, so wanting doesn't seem to have shit to do with it," he snaps. "I'm not that guy, OK? I'm not Tom. I'm not going to throw you over for some girl."
"Maybe you should."
"Maybe you're an asshole."
Jensen looks up at him and laughs. "What?"
"My fucking heart's on a platter right now, OK? It's you that I want, and if you don't want me then, fine, but just say it, don't try to turn it around and--"
Jensen kisses him hard, fists his hands in Jared's shirt. "I want you," he whispers against Jared's mouth.
Jared nods. "OK."
Jensen presses his face to Jared's neck, doesn't kiss him or bite, just lays his head there. He relaxes his hold on Jared's shirt, slides his hands around Jared's waist. Jared's arms come up and they just hold on to each other for a long time.
Finally, Jared tugs on Jensen's arm, says, "Come on." They shed coats and boots and end up on Jared's bed, Jared flat on his back, Jensen lying half over him. His buries his head against Jared's shoulder again and Jared can feel the strong, fast beat of his heart.
"Wanted you for a long time," Jensen whispers. His breath is hot against Jared's throat.
"Yeah?"
Jensen nods. "Ever since that movie, that terrible kung-fu movie, when you were laughing into my shoulder. Made my stomach flip. Thought I'd get over it."
"You didn't?"
"No." He kisses the side of Jared's neck. "You had to be such a fucking nice guy, didn't you? Had to be more than just sex on legs."
Jared feels himself blush. "I'm sex on legs?" His voice comes out a lot tighter and a lot less casual than he wants it to.
"Mmm." Jensen nods, kisses his throat again.
When Jared slides his hand up Jensen's back, his thumb gets caught on the hem of Jensen's t-shirt and rucks it up. Jensen's skin is warm against his fingers and Jensen pushes himself up, grins at Jared before taking his shirt off. His chest is nice, strong without being buffed-up. Jared runs his hands over it, grins and hooks his leg over Jensen's--the better to flip him over.
"Hey, now," Jensen says with a laugh. Then Jared pulls his own shirt off and Jensen doesn't complain, just runs his hands up and down Jared's bare arms. "Total sex on legs," he says in a low purr.
"Am not," Jared whispers as he leans down for another kiss, though he kind of feels like he is. Having Jensen look at him like that, want him so much, it's more of a turn on than he ever thought it could be. Jensen wanting him back makes it so much hotter.
Jensen flips them back over, kissing Jared deeply. His hips start to rock and, God, it feels amazing. Jared spreads his legs, lets Jensen settle in between them. He's rock hard and he can feel Jensen's cock rubbing against his own between layers of clothing.
"Want," Jared whispers, his hands moving down to his waist. He tugs at Jensen's fly and Jensen's right there with him, pushing up to get his jeans down. Jared unfastens his own jeans just enough to shove them down his thighs and then they're rubbing together again, cock to cock. The weight of Jensen's body over his is one of the best things Jared has ever felt and he grips Jensen's ass to pull him down even harder.
He waits for the weird to start but it never does. That's definitely Jensen's ass in his hands, definitely Jensen's cock against his, definitely Jensen's balls against his thigh but it's not weird, it's really, really hot. He loves the way Jensen's ass flexes every time he thrusts, loves the soft grunts and moans against his ear.
"Shh," Jensen warns, but he's laughing.
"Feels so good," Jared says as he pushes up and rolls them onto their sides. He wraps one leg around Jensen's thighs, pulls him close. "God," he groans.
Jensen laughs again and puts one hand over Jared's mouth. "Quiet," he whispers.
Jared parts his lips and sucks Jensen's fingers into his mouth, remembers doing it before and how he'd wanted to know if that was what Jensen's cock tasted like. He runs his hands over Jensen's skin, everything he can reach, keeps kissing and rocking against him.
Jensen's eyes are closed and he's moaning low in the back of his throat, fucking Jared's mouth with his fingers.
Jared pulls his mouth away and whispers, "Wanna try something."
"Yeah," Jensen says breathlessly. "Anything." He lets Jared push him onto his back, just sprawls bonelessly there against the wall.
"Move over here," Jared tells him, tugging on his hips until Jensen moves back into the middle of the narrow twin bed. Jared wishes they were still at Chris's for the bigger bed if nothing else. That and the fact that he has to hunch over to keep from hitting his head on the top bunk.
He kisses his way down Jensen's chest, feels Jensen's stomach tense against his lips.
"You don't have to," Jensen whispers.
"Want to," he says, and he does. Mostly. He doesn't let himself think about it too long, just darts his tongue out and runs it over the head of Jensen's cock. It's not weird, really, and it makes Jensen's suck in a shaky breath, which is cool. He does it again, then once more. It tastes like skin and a little bit like come, which is more of a turn on than he thought it would be. There's a little bit of pre-come at the slit and he laps it up, making Jensen shiver.
"Kiss it," Jensen whispers.
Jared looks up at him, sees that Jensen's propped up on his elbows, watching.
"Like this?" he asks. He doesn't look away from Jensen's gaze as he gently kisses the tip.
Jensen's eyes flutter closed and he nods. "Yeah," he sighs as Jared plants soft kisses along the shaft. He's not sure what to do, really, so he does what Jensen had done to him, taking his cock in his fist and stroking it as he leans down to kiss Jensen's balls.
"Close," Jensen whispers. "Really close, Jay."
Jared looks up at him, "I don't know if I can...in my mouth, I..."
"Just keep touching me, k?"
Jared nods, squeezes Jensen's cock a little tighter in his fist. "All right?"
"Good." Jensen rubs his chest, pinches his nipples. "So, so good."
"You look so hot like this," Jared tells him. "So fucking hot. God. I'm gonna jerk off for years thinking about this."
Jensen stills, then grunts once and Jared feels his come splash up onto his chest and arm. It's so hot to watch that he fumbles with his left hand for his own cock, strokes it three or four times, and comes across Jensen's cock and belly.
"You good?" Jensen asks breathlessly as Jared stretches out next to him.
"Mmm." Jared nods, stretches his arm across Jensen's chest. "So good," he says as he slides quickly towards sleep.
When he wakes up, the lights are still on and the clock says it's 2:38am. He gets up to turn the lights off, hurries back to the bed where Jensen's still asleep, his head propped on one arm, his back to the wall.
Jared sits on the edge of the bed, pulls his knees up to his chest, wraps his arms around his legs, stares at the far wall.
Jensen sits up behind him after a while, strokes Jared's shoulder as he kisses the back of his neck. "You all right?" he asks, his voice thick with sleep.
"Yeah," Jared says absently, sighing when he feels the soft press of Jensen's mouth down his spine. Jensen's hands are warm on his cool skin.
"Are you freaking out?"
Jared turns his head so they can kiss. "No," he says. And he's not, not really. He's a little overwhelmed, but he's not freaking out. He's not sad, but he kind of wants to cry. "I wasn't expecting anything," he whispers.
Jensen nuzzles against his shoulder, waits for him to go on.
"I know people talk about sex like it's this huge deal and I just...I thought it was bullshit. I didn't expect it to feel like such a big deal."
Jensen nods.
"Because it is, right? This is a big deal?"
"Yeah," Jensen whispers. He kisses Jared's shoulder. "Yeah, when you're with somebody important, it's a big deal."
"Am I?" Jared asks, turning to face him. "Important to you?"
Jensen nods.
"You're important to me, too," Jared whispers before kissing him gently. He slides under the covers next to Jensen, snuggles close. It's a tight fit in the narrow bed, but he likes being that close.
"Go to sleep," Jensen whispers before kissing the tip of his nose.
"OK."
The next thing Jared knows, it's 7:30 and his alarm is blaring. "Make it stop," he moans, reaching out to slap his alarm clock into silence.
Jensen mumbles something but doesn't wake up.
It's Thursday morning. He has an 8am pre-calc class and a professor who likes to give surprise quizzes. He groans and covers his face with his hands.
"'s wrong?" Jensen asks sleepily.
"I have class," Jared moans.
"Mmm."
"It's not fair. I just...we did this amazing thing last night and now I have to go to class like it's just a normal day?"
Jensen mumbles something that sounds like, "Skip it," and slides his arm around Jared's waist.
"We had sex last night," Jared says.
"Mmm-hmm."
"I really liked it."
Jensen sighs softly against his cheek.
"We should have more sex. Like, a lot more sex. Maybe right now."
Jensen sighs again and Jared can tell that he's falling back to sleep.
Jared stares up at the bottom of the top bunk for a while and contemplates skipping class. In the end, though, the guilt wins out and he just can't do it. He takes a quick shower and when he's back in the room getting dressed, he catches sight of a bruise right where his shoulder meets his neck. He leans towards the mirror and inspects it, realizes it's a hickey. There's the faint hint of teeth marks on his jaw, bruises shaped like fingertips on his ribs. Jensen did that, he thinks, wonders if Jensen's got similar marks from Jared.
He looks over at Jensen, still asleep in his bed, and he wants to check, to explore Jensen's body from top to bottom but it's 7:50 and he's going to have to run to class as it is.
After pre-calc (where there was a quiz) he has Intro to Geology (where there's not). He has lab right after lecture and most everybody else seems to have skipped it so he gets to talk a lot to his professor. He mentions his interest in caves and his professor talks enthusiastically about cave geology and before he knows it, he's got an appointment to talk with his professor about maybe becoming a geology major.
It's a lot to think about, coming as it does right on the heels of realizing that he's more than a little gay and in love with his best friend and has just lost his virginity after eighteen years of hopelessness. He heads towards the dining hall with a flutter in his belly. Jensen doesn't have physics lab on Thursdays so he usually meets them for lunch. He hopes Jensen meets them for lunch and isn't freaked out and disgusted and running half the way to Mexico by now.
"You're not going to try and Queer Eye me now, are you?" Chad asks, falling into step next to him as he nears the dining hall.
Jared looks over at him, unsure of what to say.
"Because I gotta tell you, I do not need a makeover."
"I won't Queer Eye you," he says softly. He wouldn't even know where to start and, God, is he supposed to know stuff like that? Because he totally doesn't know stuff like that.
"Dude, tuna surprise," Chad says forlornly as he looks at the cafeteria's menu board. "I hope the alternate's better."
Jared doesn't mention that he likes the cafeteria's tuna surprise, partly because he knows Chad would give him shit for it and partly because Sandy's standing there with a group of her friends, looking at him like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Um," says Jared, "can I have a second?"
Chad shrugs and walks into the cafeteria without a second glance.
"Hey," Jared says as Sandy's friends hurry off down the hall.
Sandy crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Hey," she says coldly. "You know, I know I was a bitch to you, but I don't deserve to be--"
"It didn't, it just happened," he says. "I didn't plan it."
She sighs and looks away from him and, God, he's going to hell for making a girl cry.
"I really didn't. When I went out with you, I wasn't try to lie or hide or anything. I really did like you at first."
"At first," she repeats.
"I don't know. After that whole thing at the party...I guess I thought I could get over it but...I don't know."
She nods.
"I'm really sorry you had to find out like that."
Sandy wets her lips and nods. "So. I'd say we could stay friends, but we never were friends, were we?"
"Guess not," Jared says softly. "I really didn't plan it. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know that, I guess," she tells him. She looks like she's about to say something else but she doesn't say anything, just turns and walks away.
Jared watches her walk off, only realizes that he's holding his breath once she's around the corner and he lets it out.
He loads up his tray and heads towards the table where Chad and Adam are pretending not to watch him walk up,
"So," Chad says a minute after Jared sits down. "Sandy looked pissed."
"She's just..." Jared shrugs, hunches in his shoulders as he looks down at his plate of tuna surprise. "I don't know."
Chad laughs and rolls his eyes. "Yeah. You have no idea why she's pissed at you. It couldn't be because she just found out you're more interested in cock than snatch."
"Don't say snatch," says Adam, shaking his head. "Only dirty people say snatch."
"I say snatch," says Chad.
"Which proves my point."
"Bitch." Chad dismisses Adam with a scoff. "Seriously, bro, you wanna fuck guys, whatever. But no chick wants to find out she's just a beard."
"She's not," Jared says. "She wasn't, I mean I didn't expect...fuck." He drops his head down, then looks up at Chad. "And you told him?"
"No," says Adam, dipping his fries into a pool of ketchup, "but you do realize that we share a suite, right? You do realize that you're not exactly quiet."
Jared groans.
"My mom's a lesbian," Adam tells him, "so it's not like it's a big deal or whatever. Just...yeah. Not really a secret after last night."
"Your mom's a lesbian?" Chad asks. "Dude!"
Adam sighs.
"Do you ever get to watch her make out with other chicks?"
"She's my mom you fucking weirdo. Do you watch your mom making out with other chicks?"
"My mom's not a lesbian. Also, not as hot as your mom."
"I'm going to kill myself," Adam says conversationally. "Really. I'm just going to slit my wrists right here with this plastic knife."
"Emo bitch," says Chad. "Why don't you just fucking blog about it? And how have I roomed with you for over a semester and you never told me your mom fucks other chicks?"
"Because I was pretty sure you'd react just like this. Oh, shit, it's Rachel." He ducks his head down, glances up at her, looks down again. "Fuck. If she's pissed at me because you're my friend and Sandy's her friend and therefore she has to hate me by association I am so kicking your ass." He looks up at Jared. "Or, you know, I'll just complain about it incessantly because ass kicking? Not really my thing. Especially kicking the asses of guys who are, like, a foot taller than me. Not that you're an entire foot taller than me you're just, you know, kind of unnaturally huge."
Chad sighs. "I miss Tiny."
Jared lets out an offended huff. "He watched me sleep with a knife in his hands. He assaulted the Dean of the School of Architecture. How can you miss Phil?"
"At least Tiny didn't fuck you up the ass."
Jared feels his face heat up, knows he's blushing dark red. "God," he says. "We didn't do that."
"Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? The guys in porn always fuck in the ass."
"Wait," says Adam. "You watch gay porn?"
"I watch all porn," Chad tells him.
"I really didn't need to know that."
"I'm not the one sucking cock. You guys do suck each other's cocks, right?"
Jared groans and shakes his head. "Can we never talk about this, oh, ever again?"
Chad shrugs. "Whatever. Hey, Jensen."
"Hey," Jensen says, taking the seat next to Jared's. He looks around the quiet table, Adam and Chad both looking at him, Jared staring down at his tray. "What's up?"
"They both know," Jared tells him.
Jensen nods, looks from Adam to Chad. "This going to be a problem?"
"Nah," says Chad. "Just, you know. Keep it down."
"You fuck your girlfriend while I'm in the room," Adam tells him.
"Which is more action than you'll ever see for the rest of your life. So you're welcome. Also, Adam's mom does other chicks."
"You're making her sound promiscuous," Adam says. "She's not. She's in a committed relationship."
"With another chick," Chad says.
"It is kinda hot," says Jared.
Jensen laughs.
"I hate you all," Adam tells them.
While Adam and Chad continue to bicker, Jensen presses his foot against Jared's. "You all right?" he asks softly.
Jared nods. "Yeah." He turns to look at Jensen and his breath actually catches in his throat. He knows he probably has a ridiculous smile on his face, but he's so freaking happy that he can't help it. "You?"
"Fantastic," Jensen whispers, leaning towards him.
It's a small kiss, just barely a brush of their lips together. It feels huge. Jared's kissing his boyfriend in public. Hell, the fact that Jared even has a boyfriend feels huge, let alone the fact that anyone who looks at them will know it.
"Hey," says Chad, "happy couple. Break it up before I puke. Nobody needs to see true love while they're trying to eat."
Jared pulls away, blushing. He looks around and no one's staring at them. It felt like such a huge, important thing, kissing Jensen where everyone could see, and no one even noticed. He moves his leg so it's pressing against the entire length of Jensen's, then digs in to eat his lunch.
**********
Jensen Interlude
**********
Extended Author's Notes: So, this was supposed to be all brooding and angsty when I started it, with Jared and Jensen fooling around but never talking about it and there was going to be a lot of hiding and confusion and shame. The story just didn't want to go that way, and I'm glad it didn't. I like the way it turned out.
To the best of my knowledge, Adam Brody's mother isn't really a lesbian, but I bet Chad would still want to watch her make out with other chicks.
I realize the ending is kind of open. I tend to like open endings and usually, even though they leave a lot unanswered, that's where I want the stories to end. In this case, though, I might very well revisit this 'verse. It really was a blast to write.