Fic: Iocus bellum (one-shot)
Title: Iocus bellum (one-shot)
Author: snfan3
Beta: Very graciously proofed by winchestergirl
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairings: Jensen / Jared
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,427
Summary: That, would be telling! ;)
Spoilers/ Warnings: None
Disclaimer: Official disclaimer here
So the thing with Jensen is, yeah. He’s kinda forgetful. Not forgetful in the ‘I’m a gorgeous Hollywood star and I don’t need to remember things like your birthday’ kinda way because that would be arrogant and while Jen may be a lot of things, arrogant isn’t one of them.
No, Jen’s more forgetful in the ‘hey, where’d I put my camera/car keys/script’ kinda way. Typical really if you consider that for the first eighteen years of his life he’d had a Texas momma looking after him. After that, even though he’d moved out of home, he’d fallen into back to back TV gigs which meant his life had been governed by a whole army of people who would make decisions for him.
There was the stylist in wardrobe who dictated his clothing style and ensured he always had clothing that fit. True, it was technically his character’s wardrobe but hey, working TV means longs hours and not much free time… it was only natural that someone would ‘borrow’ from wardrobe instead of wasting time battling hoards of shoppers at the local mall.
Then there were the hair and make-up girls who ensured that his contacts and all the solutions where always in stock, that his hair was perfectly coiffed and that zits would magically disappear. And that’s not to mention the mini armies of AD’s and PA’s who would gladly return a camera or script which he’d put down and forgotten to pick up.
So the point is; Jensen is forgetful.
Sure, it may not be his fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is. And more to the point, his forgetfulness explains why Jared is now sitting next to one Jensen Ackles and facing a severely pissed off prop master and a scowling Kim Manners, all while listening to Eric curse them out over the speaker phone with words which make even Jared blush.
The stream of insults and threats seem to be tapering off a little and Jared risks a quick glance at Jensen. He doesn’t look good. He’s blushing furiously yet somehow his skin is still pale underneath, he’s chewing on his lower lip and he looks like a kid who’s just been blindsided by the harsh reality that no, Santa doesn’t actually exist.
Jared’s attention snapped back to the phone when Eric threw in a particularly colorful insult at Jared’s harebrained scheming which suggested that the next time he sees Kripke, he’d better keep careful guard of his most precious man-parts, else he might just lose them. Jared gulped at that one and shifted nervously, thoughts of exactly how he’d kill Jensen should anything Eric be saying end up actually happening running through his mind.
The screaming was thankfully ended by Kripke slamming down his phone and the prop master stalking out of the office mumbling something about calling the police to see if they’d had any updates.
Kim remained sitting, silently staring at each of them in turn. It was probably the worst part of the whole thing so far; disappointing Kim was not something Jared ever wanted to do.
“You can go. I’ll see you tomorrow for a 5am call.” It was said perfectly flat and Jared couldn’t help but wince at the quiet words which somehow cut deeper than Eric’s ten minute rant. Jared nodded in acknowledgement, pulled himself up from his chair and shakily followed Jensen out of the room.
On silent agreement they made their way out of the building and headed quickly for Jared’s car. Neither of them said a word until they were safely behind the locked door of Jensen’s apartment.
*~*~*~*~*
“Well, that went well,” Jared sighed as he collapsed onto the couch, suddenly exhausted by the days’ events. He watched as Jensen began rummaging through draws and cupboards around the living room.
“What are you doing?” he asked as Jensen’s search seemed to become more rushed.
“There must be one in here somewhere,” Jensen muttered in response.
“That’s great Jen, but I was actually wondering what you were looking for.” Jared grimaced as he realised just how snappish that had sounded. “Sorry.” He apologised.
Jensen turned and looked warily at Jared. “It’s fine, I could just really use a smoke right now and I can’t find even one lousy cigarette.”
“That would be because you quit three months ago and we threw them all out so you wouldn’t be tempted,” Jared quipped.
“Yes, but now you’ve got us into this freaking mess, and you know if we weren’t the only to actors on the show we would so be fired, and now I’ve decided that quitting was a stupid thing to do.”
Jared jumped up in response. “Me?” he squeaked, “You’re seriously blaming me for this? Man, you have some nerve - I wasn’t driving and I specifically asked if you had the keys and you said yes!” He waved his hands around in some kind of emphatic gesture which was supposed to prove his point.
“Oh no, you don’t get to blame this on me. You asked me about the keys less than a second after you’d had your tongue down my throat for five minutes and you know I wasn’t thinking straight. You were already backing away, I would have said yes to anything you’d asked me and you know it! You should have checked that we had them instead of running off like a teenager.”
“I did not run o…” Jared was cut off as Jensen continued on his rant.
“Plus, it was all your idea! You’re the one who planned for us to have a romantic picnic on our day off, you’re the one who chose the spot and you’re the one who picked me up only to drop us at the studio with a stupid plan to steal the Impala!”
“Well you went along with it!” Jared retorted quickly. “And, I didn’t hear you complaining, in fact, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you the one that insisted on driving?”
“Of course I insisted - you were hopped up on way too much sugar and it’s Dean’s car, there’s no way I’d have let you drive it.”
“Jensen, you’re not Dean!” Jared exclaimed.
“Yeah well… you’re not Dean either,” Jensen pouted.
Jared stalled in his argument and chuckled at Jensen’s remark. “We sound like a couple of five year olds.” He shook his head and settled back onto the couch, gesturing for Jensen to come and join him.
Jensen sighed but moved to curl up at Jared’s side all the same. “I can’t believe we lost an Impala,” he whispered. “Eric sounded so upset and geeze, that look on Kim’s face? I may as well have been sixteen and telling my dad I’d totalled my truck.”
Jared lifted his am and moved it around Jensen’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “Did you ever have to tell your dad that?” he asked.
Jensen shook his head then let it drop to Jared’s shoulder. “Nah, but Josh did. I was watching them from the stairs and I remember the look of disappointment on my dad’s face. Kim was definitely channelling that today.”
They sat in silence for a while, each reflecting on the events of the day.
“We shouldn’t worry so much,” Jared said suddenly. “We were stupid, and left the keys in the car and yes, someone stole it but come on, we know there are no other ’67 black Impala’s cruising around Vancouver. It’s only a matter of time before the cops find it.”
Jensen shrugged and remained silent.
“Maybe a fan found it and thought they were doing us a favour… you know, like they’ve taken it to keep it safe.” Jared sounded hopeful though certainly not convinced of his theory.
“Sorry, Jare, but if that was the case don’t you think they would have taken it to the police by now? It’s been five hours since we discovered it gone and it could have been missing for three hours before that…” Jensen trailed off and sighed deeply. “We’re so screwed.”
“Yeah,” Jared agreed as he dropped his head back to stare pensively at the ceiling.
*~*~*~*~*
Jared woke with a start to the sound of his cell ringing. It took him a moment to realise that he’d fallen asleep sitting on Jensen’s couch and that Jensen was sleeping too, though he looked a lot more comfortable since he was lying down with his head pillowed in Jared’s lap.
Jared shifted awkwardly as he reached for his cell in the case he had clipped to his belt while attempting to nudge Jensen awake so he could get some feeling back in his legs. He answered without checking the ID, then jerked when he heard the gravely voice at the other end. “Jared, it’s Eric. I need you and Jensen to come down to the studio.” Eric sounded terrible which made Jared tense up more than ever.
“Is everything okay? I mean, you sound kinda like…” you’ve been crying is what he thought but he realised that it probably wasn’t the best question to be asking his boss.
Eric cleared his throat. “Just come to the studio, I’ll see you there.” There was a click and Jared was greeted by the engaged signal before he could reply.
It took a second to work out why the short conversation was bothering him so much when suddenly it clicked into place. Eric had said ‘I’ll see you there’ as in, he was actually in Vancouver and not in LA where he and the other writers worked.
“This day just keeps getting better and better,” he grumbled, then pushed the still sleeping Jensen off his lap. “Wake up!” he called as Jensen hit the floor and bounced awake.
“What the…” Jensen growled from the floor, clearly more than a little annoyed at his rude awakening.
Jared wiggled his toes to get the blood in his legs flowing again and shrugged at Jensen’s angry mutterings. “Eric just called, he’s here in Vancouver and we have to go meet him at the studio.” Jared watched as Jensen stilled. “This isn’t going to be pretty is it?” Jared asked.
“No, I really don’t think it will be,” Jensen agreed grimly.
*~*~*~*~*
Jared hesitantly knocked on the door to the main office before pushing it open and stepping inside. He gulped when he spotted Eric slumped in a chair, eyes red in a telltale sign he’d been crying.
It was Jensen who eventually spoke. “Eric, we are so sorry, we never meant for…” he fell silent as Eric raised a hand to stop him.
“I don’t want to hear it. Right now I just want the two of you to follow me.” He stood then moved towards the door, Jared and Jensen quickly stepping out of the way and then following in silence. Kim followed too, bringing up the rear of the silent group.
Jared fidgeted as they wound their way through the empty building and down to the open lot at the back. A million thoughts ran through his head of what they were heading for. He even considered that maybe Eric really was going to kill them and bury them in the lot. With that in mind he reached out and quickly squeezed Jensen’s hand.
Jensen jerked slightly at the touch, but then seemed to relax a fraction as he squeezed back before letting his hand drop to his side.
They rounded the final building but both froze in horror at the sight before them. Jared stared and blinked at the scene, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. It was the sound of Jensen retching beside him that seemed to bring everything into graphic focus.
The warped and burnt out shell of the Impala was sitting on the back of a flat-bed towing truck. Its tyres were deflated and its once pristine interior had been reduced to a blackened mess of twisted wire and plastic.
The world seemed to warp around the Impala and Jared swayed before his knees gave out and he landed on his ass with a thump. This was so much worse than bad… this was… Jared shook his head and blinked rapidly trying to erase the image before him. Jensen pushed back from the rancid puddle he’d just made and slumped next to him, silently joining him in shock.
It was only when Kim stepped in front of them and a camera flashed that Jared was finally able to pull his eyes away from the Impala. He cocked his head when he was greeted with a giant smile and the sound of Eric dissolving into helpless laughter.
“Boys,” Kim said with a smug look on his face, “you have just been schooled in how to truly prank someone.” He nodded in triumph before he made a strange hand signal and the tow-truck pulled away to reveal a pristine Impala.
Jared glanced around, not sure he was quite getting it because surely this was too complex to pull off as an actual prank. But when he spotted a cameraman with a camera trained on him he barked out a laugh and rose on wobbly legs to inspect the car.
As he drew nearer he realised that it was in fact Impala #4, the one they had borrowed that morning. “You S.O.B’s,” he yelled out! “I can’t believe you pulled that off!” He turned to look at Kripke and Kim who were now taking bows and waving to the camera, shouting about how they were the kings of the prank war and how a cheap tracking device and an Impala shell were the best investments they’d ever made.
Jared moved over and congratulated them, before turning when he realised Jensen was still slumped on the ground looking very pale.
“Jen?” He rushed over and knelt before him. “Jensen, man, it’s okay. It was a joke - see look, the Impala’s fine.” He pointed as he squeezed Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen nodded then turned to look at Jared. “Jay,” he whispered, a strange glint in his eye. “I think we need to teach them a lesson.”
It was with those words and a quick wink that Jensen began to hyperventilate, Jared called out loud enough to make sure that Eric and Kim would heard the worry in his voice, then Jensen slumped into Jared’s arms in a perfect act of unconsciousness.
Jared ginned briefly to himself as he heard Kripke gasp and yell for a medic.
Oh yeah, Jared thought as Eric and Kim’s footsteps pounded behind him, the war was most definitely on.
THE END.
AN: Thanks for reading guys and girls!! I had a great time writing this - I hope it made you laugh!! Please take the time to drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of the fic - and what you thought was going on in the first part before all was revealed... I've had some interesting ideas thrown around so far and I'd love to hear more! ♥
Author: snfan3
Beta: Very graciously proofed by winchestergirl
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairings: Jensen / Jared
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,427
Summary: That, would be telling! ;)
Spoilers/ Warnings: None
Disclaimer: Official disclaimer here
So the thing with Jensen is, yeah. He’s kinda forgetful. Not forgetful in the ‘I’m a gorgeous Hollywood star and I don’t need to remember things like your birthday’ kinda way because that would be arrogant and while Jen may be a lot of things, arrogant isn’t one of them.
No, Jen’s more forgetful in the ‘hey, where’d I put my camera/car keys/script’ kinda way. Typical really if you consider that for the first eighteen years of his life he’d had a Texas momma looking after him. After that, even though he’d moved out of home, he’d fallen into back to back TV gigs which meant his life had been governed by a whole army of people who would make decisions for him.
There was the stylist in wardrobe who dictated his clothing style and ensured he always had clothing that fit. True, it was technically his character’s wardrobe but hey, working TV means longs hours and not much free time… it was only natural that someone would ‘borrow’ from wardrobe instead of wasting time battling hoards of shoppers at the local mall.
Then there were the hair and make-up girls who ensured that his contacts and all the solutions where always in stock, that his hair was perfectly coiffed and that zits would magically disappear. And that’s not to mention the mini armies of AD’s and PA’s who would gladly return a camera or script which he’d put down and forgotten to pick up.
So the point is; Jensen is forgetful.
Sure, it may not be his fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is. And more to the point, his forgetfulness explains why Jared is now sitting next to one Jensen Ackles and facing a severely pissed off prop master and a scowling Kim Manners, all while listening to Eric curse them out over the speaker phone with words which make even Jared blush.
The stream of insults and threats seem to be tapering off a little and Jared risks a quick glance at Jensen. He doesn’t look good. He’s blushing furiously yet somehow his skin is still pale underneath, he’s chewing on his lower lip and he looks like a kid who’s just been blindsided by the harsh reality that no, Santa doesn’t actually exist.
Jared’s attention snapped back to the phone when Eric threw in a particularly colorful insult at Jared’s harebrained scheming which suggested that the next time he sees Kripke, he’d better keep careful guard of his most precious man-parts, else he might just lose them. Jared gulped at that one and shifted nervously, thoughts of exactly how he’d kill Jensen should anything Eric be saying end up actually happening running through his mind.
The screaming was thankfully ended by Kripke slamming down his phone and the prop master stalking out of the office mumbling something about calling the police to see if they’d had any updates.
Kim remained sitting, silently staring at each of them in turn. It was probably the worst part of the whole thing so far; disappointing Kim was not something Jared ever wanted to do.
“You can go. I’ll see you tomorrow for a 5am call.” It was said perfectly flat and Jared couldn’t help but wince at the quiet words which somehow cut deeper than Eric’s ten minute rant. Jared nodded in acknowledgement, pulled himself up from his chair and shakily followed Jensen out of the room.
On silent agreement they made their way out of the building and headed quickly for Jared’s car. Neither of them said a word until they were safely behind the locked door of Jensen’s apartment.
*~*~*~*~*
“Well, that went well,” Jared sighed as he collapsed onto the couch, suddenly exhausted by the days’ events. He watched as Jensen began rummaging through draws and cupboards around the living room.
“What are you doing?” he asked as Jensen’s search seemed to become more rushed.
“There must be one in here somewhere,” Jensen muttered in response.
“That’s great Jen, but I was actually wondering what you were looking for.” Jared grimaced as he realised just how snappish that had sounded. “Sorry.” He apologised.
Jensen turned and looked warily at Jared. “It’s fine, I could just really use a smoke right now and I can’t find even one lousy cigarette.”
“That would be because you quit three months ago and we threw them all out so you wouldn’t be tempted,” Jared quipped.
“Yes, but now you’ve got us into this freaking mess, and you know if we weren’t the only to actors on the show we would so be fired, and now I’ve decided that quitting was a stupid thing to do.”
Jared jumped up in response. “Me?” he squeaked, “You’re seriously blaming me for this? Man, you have some nerve - I wasn’t driving and I specifically asked if you had the keys and you said yes!” He waved his hands around in some kind of emphatic gesture which was supposed to prove his point.
“Oh no, you don’t get to blame this on me. You asked me about the keys less than a second after you’d had your tongue down my throat for five minutes and you know I wasn’t thinking straight. You were already backing away, I would have said yes to anything you’d asked me and you know it! You should have checked that we had them instead of running off like a teenager.”
“I did not run o…” Jared was cut off as Jensen continued on his rant.
“Plus, it was all your idea! You’re the one who planned for us to have a romantic picnic on our day off, you’re the one who chose the spot and you’re the one who picked me up only to drop us at the studio with a stupid plan to steal the Impala!”
“Well you went along with it!” Jared retorted quickly. “And, I didn’t hear you complaining, in fact, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you the one that insisted on driving?”
“Of course I insisted - you were hopped up on way too much sugar and it’s Dean’s car, there’s no way I’d have let you drive it.”
“Jensen, you’re not Dean!” Jared exclaimed.
“Yeah well… you’re not Dean either,” Jensen pouted.
Jared stalled in his argument and chuckled at Jensen’s remark. “We sound like a couple of five year olds.” He shook his head and settled back onto the couch, gesturing for Jensen to come and join him.
Jensen sighed but moved to curl up at Jared’s side all the same. “I can’t believe we lost an Impala,” he whispered. “Eric sounded so upset and geeze, that look on Kim’s face? I may as well have been sixteen and telling my dad I’d totalled my truck.”
Jared lifted his am and moved it around Jensen’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “Did you ever have to tell your dad that?” he asked.
Jensen shook his head then let it drop to Jared’s shoulder. “Nah, but Josh did. I was watching them from the stairs and I remember the look of disappointment on my dad’s face. Kim was definitely channelling that today.”
They sat in silence for a while, each reflecting on the events of the day.
“We shouldn’t worry so much,” Jared said suddenly. “We were stupid, and left the keys in the car and yes, someone stole it but come on, we know there are no other ’67 black Impala’s cruising around Vancouver. It’s only a matter of time before the cops find it.”
Jensen shrugged and remained silent.
“Maybe a fan found it and thought they were doing us a favour… you know, like they’ve taken it to keep it safe.” Jared sounded hopeful though certainly not convinced of his theory.
“Sorry, Jare, but if that was the case don’t you think they would have taken it to the police by now? It’s been five hours since we discovered it gone and it could have been missing for three hours before that…” Jensen trailed off and sighed deeply. “We’re so screwed.”
“Yeah,” Jared agreed as he dropped his head back to stare pensively at the ceiling.
*~*~*~*~*
Jared woke with a start to the sound of his cell ringing. It took him a moment to realise that he’d fallen asleep sitting on Jensen’s couch and that Jensen was sleeping too, though he looked a lot more comfortable since he was lying down with his head pillowed in Jared’s lap.
Jared shifted awkwardly as he reached for his cell in the case he had clipped to his belt while attempting to nudge Jensen awake so he could get some feeling back in his legs. He answered without checking the ID, then jerked when he heard the gravely voice at the other end. “Jared, it’s Eric. I need you and Jensen to come down to the studio.” Eric sounded terrible which made Jared tense up more than ever.
“Is everything okay? I mean, you sound kinda like…” you’ve been crying is what he thought but he realised that it probably wasn’t the best question to be asking his boss.
Eric cleared his throat. “Just come to the studio, I’ll see you there.” There was a click and Jared was greeted by the engaged signal before he could reply.
It took a second to work out why the short conversation was bothering him so much when suddenly it clicked into place. Eric had said ‘I’ll see you there’ as in, he was actually in Vancouver and not in LA where he and the other writers worked.
“This day just keeps getting better and better,” he grumbled, then pushed the still sleeping Jensen off his lap. “Wake up!” he called as Jensen hit the floor and bounced awake.
“What the…” Jensen growled from the floor, clearly more than a little annoyed at his rude awakening.
Jared wiggled his toes to get the blood in his legs flowing again and shrugged at Jensen’s angry mutterings. “Eric just called, he’s here in Vancouver and we have to go meet him at the studio.” Jared watched as Jensen stilled. “This isn’t going to be pretty is it?” Jared asked.
“No, I really don’t think it will be,” Jensen agreed grimly.
*~*~*~*~*
Jared hesitantly knocked on the door to the main office before pushing it open and stepping inside. He gulped when he spotted Eric slumped in a chair, eyes red in a telltale sign he’d been crying.
It was Jensen who eventually spoke. “Eric, we are so sorry, we never meant for…” he fell silent as Eric raised a hand to stop him.
“I don’t want to hear it. Right now I just want the two of you to follow me.” He stood then moved towards the door, Jared and Jensen quickly stepping out of the way and then following in silence. Kim followed too, bringing up the rear of the silent group.
Jared fidgeted as they wound their way through the empty building and down to the open lot at the back. A million thoughts ran through his head of what they were heading for. He even considered that maybe Eric really was going to kill them and bury them in the lot. With that in mind he reached out and quickly squeezed Jensen’s hand.
Jensen jerked slightly at the touch, but then seemed to relax a fraction as he squeezed back before letting his hand drop to his side.
They rounded the final building but both froze in horror at the sight before them. Jared stared and blinked at the scene, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. It was the sound of Jensen retching beside him that seemed to bring everything into graphic focus.
The warped and burnt out shell of the Impala was sitting on the back of a flat-bed towing truck. Its tyres were deflated and its once pristine interior had been reduced to a blackened mess of twisted wire and plastic.
The world seemed to warp around the Impala and Jared swayed before his knees gave out and he landed on his ass with a thump. This was so much worse than bad… this was… Jared shook his head and blinked rapidly trying to erase the image before him. Jensen pushed back from the rancid puddle he’d just made and slumped next to him, silently joining him in shock.
It was only when Kim stepped in front of them and a camera flashed that Jared was finally able to pull his eyes away from the Impala. He cocked his head when he was greeted with a giant smile and the sound of Eric dissolving into helpless laughter.
“Boys,” Kim said with a smug look on his face, “you have just been schooled in how to truly prank someone.” He nodded in triumph before he made a strange hand signal and the tow-truck pulled away to reveal a pristine Impala.
Jared glanced around, not sure he was quite getting it because surely this was too complex to pull off as an actual prank. But when he spotted a cameraman with a camera trained on him he barked out a laugh and rose on wobbly legs to inspect the car.
As he drew nearer he realised that it was in fact Impala #4, the one they had borrowed that morning. “You S.O.B’s,” he yelled out! “I can’t believe you pulled that off!” He turned to look at Kripke and Kim who were now taking bows and waving to the camera, shouting about how they were the kings of the prank war and how a cheap tracking device and an Impala shell were the best investments they’d ever made.
Jared moved over and congratulated them, before turning when he realised Jensen was still slumped on the ground looking very pale.
“Jen?” He rushed over and knelt before him. “Jensen, man, it’s okay. It was a joke - see look, the Impala’s fine.” He pointed as he squeezed Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen nodded then turned to look at Jared. “Jay,” he whispered, a strange glint in his eye. “I think we need to teach them a lesson.”
It was with those words and a quick wink that Jensen began to hyperventilate, Jared called out loud enough to make sure that Eric and Kim would heard the worry in his voice, then Jensen slumped into Jared’s arms in a perfect act of unconsciousness.
Jared ginned briefly to himself as he heard Kripke gasp and yell for a medic.
Oh yeah, Jared thought as Eric and Kim’s footsteps pounded behind him, the war was most definitely on.
THE END.
AN: Thanks for reading guys and girls!! I had a great time writing this - I hope it made you laugh!! Please take the time to drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of the fic - and what you thought was going on in the first part before all was revealed... I've had some interesting ideas thrown around so far and I'd love to hear more! ♥