Comments | sober_cannibal: mmmmmkay.

sober_cannibal

mmmmmkay.

Feb 02, 2010 09:56

well, first off, i'm gonna be honest here. i shouldn't have to hide here - that's the point. so even if it disappoints anyone here a bit, i have to talk about it.

we had company last night for dinner - italian food. and the hubby bought a few bottles of red wine to go with dinner. now, the couple we had over is pregnant. so she didn't drink. but he ( Read more... )

drawing, drinking, memories, therapist, family, 2009

Comments 7

innana88 February 3 2010, 00:16:08 UTC

I'm certainly not going to judge you for this. I'm glad you don't like it!

What I will say is be very careful that this one case doesn't make you less vigilant about your much better proven relationship with alcohol over time.

Until you get your head on straight, I think it would be safest to not even consider that you can control your drinking, to not think that you can have a glass or two because you don't like the way it feels.

"I can have a glass or two because I don't like the way it feels." Now if that ain't the logic of an addict, I don't know what is. Be wary of it. I'm betting it will pop up. It would in my head. I think it probably has, actually.

ETA: Duh, I'm so friggin' tired. Sorry to keep adding stuff! As far as the therapist goes, I'd say deal with the current realities rather than the hypothetical ones. You're there now and you need a therapist now. Yes, it will be disruptive, but what happens if you wait and then several months go by before you move and all that time you could have been seeing someone.

sober_cannibal February 4 2010, 20:06:22 UTC

thanks. :)

and yes, you are COMPLETELY right. i don't want to let my guard down at all; i don't want to start thinking i have more control than i actually do. i definitely don't believe that i can control my drinking - i actually know that i can't. i have to ask myself - when have i ever 'controlled' my drinking? and the obvious answer is, never. so nothing has magically changed now. just because i am finally aware of all the negative consequences of drinking - and those negatives OUTWEIGH the positives, for the first time ever in my mind - that doesn't mean i have "control." it doesn't mean that if i allow myself to drink socially, or try to drink in a 'controlled' way, that i won't forget all that i've learned, all that i know, all my reasons for QUITTING and fall back into the pattern of denial and numbness that i've had for ages ( ... )

innana88 February 3 2010, 00:16:55 UTC

And by head on straight, I mean deal with the issues that are underlying the impulses to drink. I hope you know what I mean, there. I need to as well!

sober_cannibal February 4 2010, 20:21:11 UTC

yes - absolutely. as long as i haven't dealt with and more directly confronted / figured out my feelings, there's no way i am strong enough to resist an addiction. alcohol or anything else. until i get things straight inside my head, it will take a lot of willpower and determination to stay away from addictive substances / behaviors. i'm not close to being out of the woods yet.

(The comment has been removed)

sober_cannibal February 4 2010, 19:59:47 UTC

wow. firstly, it's amazing that you haven't relapsed since then! absolutely inspiring. and i'm glad you understand what i mean - about it sucking. i'm certainly not insinuating that i no longer have a problem with alcohol - of course i do. all the core issues that made me want to drink in the first place are still there. but, for some strange reason, the AWARENESS of that - and the AWARENESS of having been sober for the first time in ages - i don't know. it's like there was a light turned on that showed me what alcohol was doing to me, physically / mentally / emotionally, and it actually matters to me now. i can't ignore it anymore. i can't forget what i know now. and i don't want to try - i don't want to go back. it's such a freeing feeling.

kamrushepash February 3 2010, 22:36:51 UTC

I agree with the "don't think you are over it" thought; I've gone off booze many times, had a few and disliked the taste and feeling, thought I was good to go with sobriety forever, and then next thing I knew, was drunk off my butt soon after. Not saying don't be happy that you felt the way you did, just remember this is a new thing and take your time with the feelings about it. :)

sober_cannibal February 4 2010, 19:55:40 UTC

definitely - i agree. i don't plan on using this as a reason i can now drink "in moderation" - i don't believe that i will ever safely drink. but it was a weight off of my shoulders to suddenly remember that i'm not punishing myself by quitting - i'm really giving myself something. it was a new realization for me.