can't sleep.

[sober_cannibal]

can't get my thoughts straight. read a great chapter from "the heart of addiction." my god, get this book. everyone. everyone. i don't even care if you aren't addicted to anything, it's worth reading.

horrible, negative memories though. patterns i am forced to remember. one person to the next, leaving me feeling abandoned, second-best, helpless to

Comments

[innana88]

It is absolutely tragic how many addicts and alcoholics have abusive histories. I do as well. I never had a problem before any of that. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, too.

I have to be careful, however, to not continue to allow that to justify what I'm doing to myself. It's taken me years and loads of therapy to get to the point where I know I don't deserve to continue to punish myself for something that wasn't my fault. The bitch of it is that making it my own fault helped me to feel more in control of it. By punishing myself, I felt like I was in control, if that makes any sense. I certainly couldn't take it out on the people who had done it. Who was left? Somebody needed to pay and since for a long time I saw my body as being the culprit, it paid dearly. Not to mention trying to avoid the pain of it all.

Given how painful avoiding the pain has been, I'm going to try to give facing it head on a go.

[sober_cannibal]

i guess i never realized how closely the two were linked. until last night, when i looked up some statistics between addiction & child abuse. you would think that when i was in therapy for 2 or 3 years, a doctor would've tried to help me make the link, but they were so focused on "bipolar disorder" or "borderline personality disorder" stuff that they never got around to even talking about the abuse / addiction link. it actually irks me a bit.

i have never buried those memories, per se, but i have very seriously downplayed the importance that those events probably still have in my life. i think the way that i'm thinking about them now, finally, is more likely to empower me against repetitive behavior than to cause me to justify it. if you know you are repeating bad relationships, and then lashing out against them, you can learn to avoid the bad relationships. hopefully? at least

[innana88]

I think therapists who tell you what your diagnosis is are idiots. It is a tool for them to be able to see how to help you, but some of them get so caught up in the diagnosis that they miss things. I went through ten therapists/counselors before I found the right one and she was amazing. She built up my trust over several months before we ever started addressing stuff. She didn't tell me what my diagnosis was until it became helpful for me to know so that I could see how the brain worked and why I did the things I did (I have PTSD). She's sharp and can outfox me, which is crucial, because I can weasel my way out of dealing with stuff. She shows me why I'm strong, rather than focusing on where I'm weak. She's no-nonsense, but will offer a really strong solid warm hug when she can tell I'm dying for one (I'd never ask). I'm not going right now because I'm doing okay without it and it is expensive. I know damn well what I need to do at this point. I can see where all this is connected for me because I went to her for so long. I know what

[sober_cannibal]

i agree. mostly i agree, because i went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for about two years, not to mention a variety of other therapists and the occasional hospitalization, and i believe today, looking back now that i'm a bit older - not one of their diagnoses was correct. i already felt that way then, because they tried me on a huge variety of medications and none ever made me feel different. they were so eager to diagnose me as "borderline" and "bipolar"... the funny thing is, most of the girls i know who have been to a doctor have been diagnosed with the same thing. but i know i am neither of those things. actually, the only medication that has helped me conquer my inability to finish what i start and my disinterest in normal life - and my frustration and depression - has been an ADD medication, and i do believe this is something they missed for all that time

[dhrg740]

Log in and let the naughty fun begin! Go Here dld.bz/chwZG