pissing on fire
I don't know if I can adequately convey exactly what I'm feeling. I don't think there are words to describe exactly what it is. If I have to answer one more phone at this god-forsaken place, I think I'm going to shoot myself. But that isn't it at all. What it is is this parasite that came into my life about a year ago. What it is is that he's
( Read more... )
Comments 2
There are other things that tie in, but honestly, the fact that I KNOW this and I do not know how to stay away for longer than a few weeks makes me despise myself and his, as you say, "selfishness manifested."
Whenever he comes back I believe him.
...Believe he's ready to be away from her and the negativity she brings to his life.
...Believe the flattery that he's so talented at spewing.
...Believe the lies because I can't believe I'm worth the truth.
Basically, whenever he comes around looking for it and claiming to be ready to leave for real I pay for believing him with the capacity to forgo my self-worth for some instant pleasure.
Reply
Honestly. And it's so betraying to yourself, you know? Like, you know who you are, and you know what you're worth, but the second-guessing sucks you into a whirlwind of unnecessary drama, pain, headache, etc. And that these other persons would manipulate that vulnerability is what always crosses my mind as simply unforgiveable. Yet I forgive. What the fuck? It really is rather regretably telling that I need to take the reigns in my life and look to those who would reinforce an already solid worth rather than opportunistically take advantage of it in my times of doubt.
That's not to say that these people are malicious as opposed to ignorant. Either way, they're likely not worth the time we give them, and by "worth" I mean it insomuch that that time vested would yield something beneficial at some point. Yet I love him. At times, it occurs to me that I should avoid seeking out companions who I'm passionate about, because that gets me into trouble. *sigh*
Reply
Leave a comment