Ignorance is Bliss: Profile:
Disclaimer: Ignorance is Bliss is written by ButterflyWarmth and can be found here: http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/7703340/ignorance-is-bliss-an-emmett-cullen-story-info. I do not own the story. Twilight is written by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. This is an activity undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment.
Fandom: Twilight
Summary: A Sue comes in and ruins one of the only likeable characters in Twilight: Emmett Cullen. This is DEFINITELY the most arrogant Sue I have EVER seen, and I DO include Harry in Harry and the Head of Black in that statement.
Rating of fic: It doesn't say, but this shouldn't be anything above a K+
Warning for Spork: Nothing, really. This is quite tame.
Sporkers: Myself and NG55
Ignorance Is Bliss [An Emmett Cullen Love Story]:
SOS: I expect we shall know the meaning of that phrase more than ever by the end of this travesty.
NG55: I'll bet I will...
By ButterflyWarmth
SOS: While there is nothing really wrong about the name, it makes me giggle.
NG55: It's cute. xD
This is an Emmett Cullen love story.
SOS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NG55: *Gasp*-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-gasp-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo...oo!
He is my favorite character
SOS: You know, he's mine too. I'm not writing myself into disgustingly sweet, soul-bonding, simultaneous orgasmic sex with him!
NG55: He's my favourite next to Charlie! How dare you ruin Emmett the Awesome! ...Dan Bergenstein would be so sad...
and not many people write stories about him.
SOS: Obviously, you haven't been reading Twispite fics.
NG55: We who write Twispite fics must always bow to his awesomeness.
He's funny and scary at the same time
SOS: Emmett is scary? Really, he's the Cullen I would trust myself around the most.
NG55: I agree! Scary? Please! Sure, he's strong and I'm sure he can be brutish when he wants to be, but come on! He's a big teddy bear! How can you not like that?!
which makes him a thrilling companion.
SOS: Suethor, stop beating around the bush. Just come out and say it. He makes you wet.
NG55: ...And um, Suethor? He's already married to Rosalie!
SOS: I'm sure Rosalie will be reduced to a scary Sue in this story.
What really angers me is how out of character Emmett is already, even though we haven't started the story yet.
The Suethor wants a dangerous, bad boy boyfriend, but also wants to be ~original~, so she warps the most loveable character in canon to satisfy her own twisted lust.
After all, she can't get together with a giant teddy bear, because that wouldn't provide wangst! Not to mention, if Emmett is courteous to EVERYONE, how would that make her ~special~?
NG55: No kidding, that's exactly what's happening here. *Groan* We didn't even start and I already know where this is going. Suethor...EMMETT ISN'T A SCARY PSYCHOPATH!!! That would be JASPER! But like you said, SOS, trying to be original by taking an underrated and lovable character and just morphing him into something else: a Beloved Canon Character Clone.
My story will a mix of my own situations and those of Stephanie Mayer.
SOS: By which she means she will furiously plagiarise canon, until, of course, things stop being convenient. At which point, she will pull excuse after excuse out of her arse to make sure everything goes alright for her darling little avatar.
NG55: Poor Emmett...and poor Rosalie! I liked her character, too. *Pout*
Hope you like it!
SOS: And your hope shall be in vain.
NG55: Very much in vain.
SOS: We start this story with...A PROFILE. A FUCKING PROFILE.
If you don't know, I fucking hate profiles. They are the sign of a VERY bad writer - someone who can't work details about their character into the story, so they tell us everything in a gigantic info dump in the form of a fucking profile.
The information included is either not needed or things that SHOULD be revealed to us step by step in the story! All a profile means is that the Suethor won't have to work as hard, and we won't get to fucking know the character.
NG55: No kidding, profiles are for ROLEPLAYS. How many good novels have you read that featured character profiles?
Info:
Name: Naomi Delacour
SOS: *Narrows eyes* Did she steal that name from Fleur in Harry Potter?
NG55: Probably. To be fair it is a fairly common French name, but yes, I think it did come from Fleur.
Nickname: Nami
SOS: Okay, is that a common nickname for people named Naomi?
NG55: Naomi is a Hebrew name...Backwards, it's imoan...*Snicker* Nicknames aren't all that common for the name Naomi. Nao, Mimi, Nimmy, Nay, Omie, Nomi... I guess Nami is close enough.
SOS: Nami happens to be the name of a VERY central character in One Piece. If I find a SINGLE hint that you've been plagiarising One Piece, Suethor, YOUR ASS IS DEAD.
Age: 16
SOS: Why are all Sues teenagers? Seriously, what is wrong with writing a middle-aged protagonist?
NG55: Probably because all Suethors are either teenagers themselves or have their lives end at high school, so they prefer to insert themselves into a teenage avatar.
Birthday: April 13th
SOS: If had better not have been a Friday, Sue bitch. I've had enough wangsting from the Snape/Harry fic I'm sporking.
NG55: Friday the 13th? ...Well, then that means her ass is grass if she goes to Camp Crystal Lake....
Nationality: British and French (French Mother and British Father, born in London, England)
NG55: Thanks so much, Suethor. I'M part French. *Pouts*
SOS: Don't you hate it when you share traits with Sues?
NG55: Yep. If she's pale and has dark hair, I will kill her.
Language: British English, French, and Russian
SOS: Okay, this is the SECOND Sue I've seen in a row somehow connected to Russia. What is up with that country?
NG55: Beats the hell out of me.
(all are spoken fluently,
SOS: Oh, of COURSE. She's a Sue! There can't be ANYTHING that she can't do better than everyone else!
NG55: It's not a big deal if she knows these languages, but we all know they are going to be used to make her look awesome.
has a slight British accent)
SOS: What is UP with Sues and British accents? The Sue in ‘Standing My Ground’ also had one!
Year of High School: 12th gradeSenior.
SOS: ...That requires its own category?
NG55: You see, this allows the Suethor to emphasise how AWESOME the Sue is to be in 12th grade, even though she’s only sixteen. She can’t just bury this information in the back story! Oh no! It has to be separated out so that we can properly fawn over it.
She skipped freshmen year, going from 8th directly to 10th grade due to her high intelligence level,
SOS: ...I am deeply offended now. Especially since I read ahead, and she's about as smart as a flatworm.
Suethor, you know, I skipped a grade. I actually skipped the same grade as your Sue. And I had to work my butt off to do it. YOU FUCKING SUCK.
then she took a placement test, which caused her to skip 11th grade, making her a senior.
SOS: *Splutters* SHE SKIPPED TWO FUCKING GRADES? TWO FUCKING GRADES? YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
NG55: *Gives SOS a bottle and a blankie* There, there, you poor thing...*Cuddles* Seriously though? How stupid. Just to make her Sue ever-so smart and awesome. Well, I'm not impressed. Thanks for insulting people, Suethor.
Hair: Gently wavy jet black, mid-back length
SOS: What do you know, she DOES have dark hair.
NG55: ...*Cries* And since she's British and French, that clearly means Caucasian. ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...Well, at least her hair isn't shorter and curly...But it is wavy...NOOOOO!!!!
Eyes: Almond shaped, emerald green
SOS: What is WITH Suethors and comparing body parts to various minerals or food? Sorry, I know almond-shaped is a legitimate expression, but after reading through so many Sue fics, I’m just very sensitive to food metaphors for appearance.
NG55: GREEN? That's close to blue, like I have. *Cries* Except for longer, darker hair, and obviously being more beautiful, I have to connect with this Sue. Damn it.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 1 (This count will be used to tally exactly how many meaningless adjectives are used to describe the Sue.)
Skin complexion: pale, almost translucent skin,
SOS: And she DOES have pale skin. What a brilliant job you have done, predicting this story.
NG55: It's also a Twilight story, on top of that. Pale is IN! I already predicted the paleness, due to being FRENCH AND BRITISH, and now here's a slap in the face. You know what, Meyer? Thanks a lot. I am proud to be a pale girl, it's who I am (and because I'm part Irish). But you just made it into a fad. A tasteless fad. THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
SOS: Not to mention the whole trend with the 'almost translucent' bullshit. Why hasn't anyone figured out that half-transparent skin is NOT sexy?
NG55: We do not want to see your muscles and veins, you bint!
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 3
Height: 5’4
SOS: Oh, she's fashionably petite as well! You fucking disgust me, Suethor.
NG55: And taller than I am. *Pouts* Oh, that's also the same height as Bella.
SOS: *Horrified* That’s the same height as ME! Shit, I have something in common with Bella Swan?
NG55: Yeah…dark hair, "pale" skin, and the same height...a Bella clone. How lovely.
Weight: 107lb
SOS: That's about...48.5 kilograms. So...she's also prettily anorexic? How many clichés to you plan to hit by the end of this profile?
NG55: *Groans* Lovely.
Occupation: Famous model prodigy.
NG55: Famous. Model. PRODIGY? Wow, no bullshit, I see. Nope, bringing in the heavy artillery. No faux modesty here! Nope! Not at all!
SOS: This is a category for her OCCUPATION! There was absolutely no need for the Suethor to mention famous or prodigy! But she still did it just to rub it in our faces and make sure we know exactly how superior her Sue is.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 5
Nami works mainly as the main model of Victoria’s Secret
NICKNAME MISUSE: 1 (Chose one name to address her with and STICK with it.)
SOS: ...Oh, and she's all alluring and sexy too, despite being a scrawny sixteen year old, probably covered by acne.
NG55: She's a MINOR!!!! A minor would NOT be advertising UNDERWEAR and LINGERIE!
and Teen Magazine and is featured on the covers of many major magazines.
SOS: Dude, NO model is THAT important to be featured multiple times of almost all major magazines! You know why? Because different magazines have different themes! You might be slutty enough to do one for Victoria's Secret, but what about Men's Health, what about cook magazines, what about sport magazines? There is NO way one person can appeal to the entirety of the market! YOU ARE NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE!
NG55: Exactly! And again, MINOR! She would NOT be a model for Victoria's secret! And a main model for TEEN magazines? HOW is she that famous??? And frankly, this whole bullshit about her being famous actually means Emmett won’t be able to get in a romance with her! Despite how invulnerable Meyerpires are to humans, they STILL have to CONCEAL THEIR IDENTITIES AS VAMPIRES! Dating a famous star is NOT a good idea!
She is short for a model, but has a natural talent that mesmerizes people.
SOS: Well, the Suethor just came out and admitted that EVERYONE loves her, for no reason whatsoever. I don't think there's any doubt left that this is a GIGANTIC Sue.
NG55: No kidding. If these ideals were used to portray a woman who is a model and seems to have it all, but deep down is fighting tough times and isn't all she looks to be, that would be fine. But no, here, it's flaunted as to be awesome and superior.
She is also a part time ballet instructor in Port Angeles.
SOS: She doesn't even have any faux flaws, does she? I don't think I've ever seen such a blatant and shameless Sue.
NG55: bekifokneF-!!! She's SIXTEEN!!! And she’s already a licensed ballet instructor?!
Likes: Classical music, history (mainly WWI and WWII),
SOS: Ah, I see the Suethor is now trying to make her seem dignified and educated.
NG55: I'm not buying it. Not at all.
SOS: This is even more painful, because I love Baroque music and WWII history...I fear how this Sue will defile them.
NG55: Don’t worry! This is Twilight fanfiction! I’m sure the Suethor will forget all about her interests once she meets her lust object!
dancing,
SOS: Um, yes. We gathered that, given that she teaches ballet and everything.
NG55: I'm not even going to ask how she had the time to build all of this up over the years when she also had SCHOOL.
reading,
SOS: How much do you want to bet she never reads?
NG55: *Cries* I love to read... I'll bet she never reads or even mentions reading.
children,
NG55: How much you want to be that's never going to be brought up, either?
SOS: Oh, round about my entire fortune.
rain,
SOS: Oh, look! Isn't she so much better than that slut Bella? she actually LIKES rain! No doubt, she'll use this excuse to move to Forks and start shagging Emmett.
NG55: *Glowers* I love rain...stop taking what I like!! You’re ruining everything!
fast cars,
SOS: Ooh! Look at how much in common she has with Emmett already! No doubt, he'll INSTANTLY fall in love with her!
NG55: That's very true, it's good to have common ground you and relate on to each other. But there's also something called DIFFERENCES.
SOS: This is what's commonly called a Relationship Sue, where EVERY aspect of her personality is crafted to suit her love interest, so much so that when you take him away, the Sue is literally nothing. SOS: She was born for no other purpose than having sex with Emmett, which is just sad.
NG55: Unfortunately. *Pouts*
water, Happy Bunny
SOS: Yeah, I like water too. Just like how I like oxygen and opposable thumbs!
Dislikes: Being a famous model,
SOS: Oh, how does she hold up under the fame? Whatever will she do?
NG55: Something tells me she won't be that modest.
SOS: Again, this trait is here sole to a) generate wangst, and b) making sure that the Sue does not seem arrogant or selfish. Except for how it fails miserably because, if she really did hate being a model, she would fucking quit the job.
NG55: This would only work if she was a single mother supporting a family of two kids and needed the money.
gossip,
SOS: Because no one has anything better to do than talk all about her.
NG55: Of course.
loneliness,
SOS: Oh, she's going to be one of those EMO Sues, isn't she? That's why she likes rain. The sky is as gray and dull and cold as her heart and the rain droplets are the tears of fallen angels, weeping on the barren wasteland that is her soul.
NG55: *Face palms* Thanks for trying to ruin why I love rain, Sue. You SUCK! You don't love rain. You love the so-called "emoness" it brings.
hot weather,
SOS: Tell me, Sue, why I should like you any better than Bella, when you are every bit as whiny as her, only about different things.
NG55: That's very true, she's just a Bella clone times a million. You FAIL! *Chalks that up*
her mother,
SOS: She...hates her MOM? There had better be a damned good reason for that or I WILL kill you. Disrespecting your parents is neither cool nor likeable. Stop doing it.
NG55: I agree. It actually hurts me when they do that. When their parents are both nice people AND good parents. If there's a reason for it, Sue, we'll let it slide. But if there isn't...we're just going to call you Bella 2.
bugs
SOS: You should never, EVER list your own mother together with bugs.
NG55: Agreed! ...And I don't like bugs, either. *Cringes* Especially...their...EYES...*Sobs*
Brief History:
SOS: by 'brief', she means a GIGANTIC block paragraph that is just eye-bleeding to look at.
NG55: And probably nowhere near as unintentionally hilarious as Emerald's, I bet.
Naomi was born in England.
SOS: YOU TOLD US THAT ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MORON!
NG55: Oh yes, we had to be told all over again because we're stupid!
Ever since she was little her mother has been encouraging her to become a model. Since she herself had been a very famous model she wanted her only daughter to follow in her footsteps.
SOS: THAT's the reason she hates her mom? That is NOT a valid excuse to put your own mother right next to BUGS on a list, lady.
It's not even like her mother was pressuring her! all she did was ENCOURAGE her! So, you know, this all comes back to being YOUR own fault. Hating your mother for being ENCOURAGING is just...wow.
NG55: Unless she forced you against your will, jeez. Encouraging is NOT the same as being forced into it against your will.
Nami didn’t like being forced into a future she didn’t want. Her dream has always been to become a ballerina. Her mother agreed to let her take ballet lessons only if Nami continued training to become a model.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 3
SOS: So...your mom still let you do what you want in the end? She agreed to a compromise? Then WHY DO YOU HATE HER?
NG55: That's actually a fair compromise. What the hell?
Since she started competing in various contests she was forced to be taken out of school and became home schooled.
SOS: Then what was all that bullshit about skipping grades?
NG55: Probably forgot about them, of course.
Therefore Nami has never had any close friends,
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4
SOS: You know, homeschooled children still SOCIALISE! If you don't have any friends, then it's your own fault for not trying.
NG55: Seriously! There are still other ways to socialize and meet other kids even if you're homeschooled!
with so much traveling and competing she could never have time to make any.
SOS: This is why we have phones and the internet.
NG55: So then where did you find time to LEARN LANGUAGES?
At 11 Nami had received many offers to join modeling companies and had become a sort of a celebrity throughout England.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 5
SOS: AT. AGE. ELEVEN. Everyone in the world is a paedophile.
NG55: There are child models for kid's clothes, but really...what the heck?!
SOS: I doubt those models ever achieved CELEBRITY status.
NG55: Exactly. So...FAIL.
Her mother was never satisfied though, until an editor from a popular American magazine showed up at their doorstep.
SOS: Because, you know, American magazines are always superior to British ones. No model will ever rest until they are featured on an American magazine.
NG55: Now she's just forcing us to hate her mother.
Mrs. Delacour quickly agreed, promoting her daughter’s career to internationally famous.
SOS: I really anticipate watching this Suethor try to write an allegedly intelligent character, when she has no idea what grammar is.
Naomi first traveled to the U.S. at the age of 12 and became Teen Magazine’s main model.
SOS: ...despite not being a teen. Yeah, that makes sense.
NG55: She's the Sue! She gets illogical special treatment! ...Woohoo.
Her manager and guardian, Sophia, had been with her since her first debut, followed her to the States, but her parents stayed behind in England.
SOS: No doubt so that she doesn't have to deal with anything as troublesome as PARENTS when she's inevitably shagging Emmett.
NG55: And how come her father has never been mentioned? What was his role in all of this?
SOS: The same role Charlie had in Twilight, I guess: to not exist.
NG55: *Whimpers*
SOS: And I see that this Suethor does not understand the mentality of so called 'Stage Moms'. These women pressure their children into fame because THEY want fame themselves. Faced with the opportunity of gaining fame, why would her mom stay behind? All this tells me is that Naomi must be a shameless liar, because none of this makes sense psychologically.
NG55: Indeed, and she clearly has no idea how the modeling industry works.
Nami quickly climbed in her career status and became world famous, traveling all over the world.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
SOS: Of course, it's not like modelling is one of the hardest careers to succeed in. Nope. She does it so effortlessly that the Suethor doesn't even have to describe ANY hardships she faced.
NG55: Not to mention how hard it is to stay in the limelight that long.
She despised her mother for making her enter this lonely and monotone life.
SOS: Oh yes, modelling is definitely a monotonous life. Definitely.
NG55: Most boring life EVER.
Sorry no pictures!
SOS: Thank god, there won't be atrocious attempts at art, or photo manipulations of scantily clad models superimposed on Emmett.
NG55: Fortune has smiled upon us!
Final Count:
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 5
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
Go Forward to: Chapter 1, Part 1
Fandom: Twilight
Summary: A Sue comes in and ruins one of the only likeable characters in Twilight: Emmett Cullen. This is DEFINITELY the most arrogant Sue I have EVER seen, and I DO include Harry in Harry and the Head of Black in that statement.
Rating of fic: It doesn't say, but this shouldn't be anything above a K+
Warning for Spork: Nothing, really. This is quite tame.
Sporkers: Myself and NG55
Ignorance Is Bliss [An Emmett Cullen Love Story]:
SOS: I expect we shall know the meaning of that phrase more than ever by the end of this travesty.
NG55: I'll bet I will...
By ButterflyWarmth
SOS: While there is nothing really wrong about the name, it makes me giggle.
NG55: It's cute. xD
This is an Emmett Cullen love story.
SOS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NG55: *Gasp*-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-gasp-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo...oo!
He is my favorite character
SOS: You know, he's mine too. I'm not writing myself into disgustingly sweet, soul-bonding, simultaneous orgasmic sex with him!
NG55: He's my favourite next to Charlie! How dare you ruin Emmett the Awesome! ...Dan Bergenstein would be so sad...
and not many people write stories about him.
SOS: Obviously, you haven't been reading Twispite fics.
NG55: We who write Twispite fics must always bow to his awesomeness.
He's funny and scary at the same time
SOS: Emmett is scary? Really, he's the Cullen I would trust myself around the most.
NG55: I agree! Scary? Please! Sure, he's strong and I'm sure he can be brutish when he wants to be, but come on! He's a big teddy bear! How can you not like that?!
which makes him a thrilling companion.
SOS: Suethor, stop beating around the bush. Just come out and say it. He makes you wet.
NG55: ...And um, Suethor? He's already married to Rosalie!
SOS: I'm sure Rosalie will be reduced to a scary Sue in this story.
What really angers me is how out of character Emmett is already, even though we haven't started the story yet.
The Suethor wants a dangerous, bad boy boyfriend, but also wants to be ~original~, so she warps the most loveable character in canon to satisfy her own twisted lust.
After all, she can't get together with a giant teddy bear, because that wouldn't provide wangst! Not to mention, if Emmett is courteous to EVERYONE, how would that make her ~special~?
NG55: No kidding, that's exactly what's happening here. *Groan* We didn't even start and I already know where this is going. Suethor...EMMETT ISN'T A SCARY PSYCHOPATH!!! That would be JASPER! But like you said, SOS, trying to be original by taking an underrated and lovable character and just morphing him into something else: a Beloved Canon Character Clone.
My story will a mix of my own situations and those of Stephanie Mayer.
SOS: By which she means she will furiously plagiarise canon, until, of course, things stop being convenient. At which point, she will pull excuse after excuse out of her arse to make sure everything goes alright for her darling little avatar.
NG55: Poor Emmett...and poor Rosalie! I liked her character, too. *Pout*
Hope you like it!
SOS: And your hope shall be in vain.
NG55: Very much in vain.
SOS: We start this story with...A PROFILE. A FUCKING PROFILE.
If you don't know, I fucking hate profiles. They are the sign of a VERY bad writer - someone who can't work details about their character into the story, so they tell us everything in a gigantic info dump in the form of a fucking profile.
The information included is either not needed or things that SHOULD be revealed to us step by step in the story! All a profile means is that the Suethor won't have to work as hard, and we won't get to fucking know the character.
NG55: No kidding, profiles are for ROLEPLAYS. How many good novels have you read that featured character profiles?
Info:
Name: Naomi Delacour
SOS: *Narrows eyes* Did she steal that name from Fleur in Harry Potter?
NG55: Probably. To be fair it is a fairly common French name, but yes, I think it did come from Fleur.
Nickname: Nami
SOS: Okay, is that a common nickname for people named Naomi?
NG55: Naomi is a Hebrew name...Backwards, it's imoan...*Snicker* Nicknames aren't all that common for the name Naomi. Nao, Mimi, Nimmy, Nay, Omie, Nomi... I guess Nami is close enough.
SOS: Nami happens to be the name of a VERY central character in One Piece. If I find a SINGLE hint that you've been plagiarising One Piece, Suethor, YOUR ASS IS DEAD.
Age: 16
SOS: Why are all Sues teenagers? Seriously, what is wrong with writing a middle-aged protagonist?
NG55: Probably because all Suethors are either teenagers themselves or have their lives end at high school, so they prefer to insert themselves into a teenage avatar.
Birthday: April 13th
SOS: If had better not have been a Friday, Sue bitch. I've had enough wangsting from the Snape/Harry fic I'm sporking.
NG55: Friday the 13th? ...Well, then that means her ass is grass if she goes to Camp Crystal Lake....
Nationality: British and French (French Mother and British Father, born in London, England)
NG55: Thanks so much, Suethor. I'M part French. *Pouts*
SOS: Don't you hate it when you share traits with Sues?
NG55: Yep. If she's pale and has dark hair, I will kill her.
Language: British English, French, and Russian
SOS: Okay, this is the SECOND Sue I've seen in a row somehow connected to Russia. What is up with that country?
NG55: Beats the hell out of me.
(all are spoken fluently,
SOS: Oh, of COURSE. She's a Sue! There can't be ANYTHING that she can't do better than everyone else!
NG55: It's not a big deal if she knows these languages, but we all know they are going to be used to make her look awesome.
has a slight British accent)
SOS: What is UP with Sues and British accents? The Sue in ‘Standing My Ground’ also had one!
Year of High School: 12th gradeSenior.
SOS: ...That requires its own category?
NG55: You see, this allows the Suethor to emphasise how AWESOME the Sue is to be in 12th grade, even though she’s only sixteen. She can’t just bury this information in the back story! Oh no! It has to be separated out so that we can properly fawn over it.
She skipped freshmen year, going from 8th directly to 10th grade due to her high intelligence level,
SOS: ...I am deeply offended now. Especially since I read ahead, and she's about as smart as a flatworm.
Suethor, you know, I skipped a grade. I actually skipped the same grade as your Sue. And I had to work my butt off to do it. YOU FUCKING SUCK.
then she took a placement test, which caused her to skip 11th grade, making her a senior.
SOS: *Splutters* SHE SKIPPED TWO FUCKING GRADES? TWO FUCKING GRADES? YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
NG55: *Gives SOS a bottle and a blankie* There, there, you poor thing...*Cuddles* Seriously though? How stupid. Just to make her Sue ever-so smart and awesome. Well, I'm not impressed. Thanks for insulting people, Suethor.
Hair: Gently wavy jet black, mid-back length
SOS: What do you know, she DOES have dark hair.
NG55: ...*Cries* And since she's British and French, that clearly means Caucasian. ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...Well, at least her hair isn't shorter and curly...But it is wavy...NOOOOO!!!!
Eyes: Almond shaped, emerald green
SOS: What is WITH Suethors and comparing body parts to various minerals or food? Sorry, I know almond-shaped is a legitimate expression, but after reading through so many Sue fics, I’m just very sensitive to food metaphors for appearance.
NG55: GREEN? That's close to blue, like I have. *Cries* Except for longer, darker hair, and obviously being more beautiful, I have to connect with this Sue. Damn it.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 1 (This count will be used to tally exactly how many meaningless adjectives are used to describe the Sue.)
Skin complexion: pale, almost translucent skin,
SOS: And she DOES have pale skin. What a brilliant job you have done, predicting this story.
NG55: It's also a Twilight story, on top of that. Pale is IN! I already predicted the paleness, due to being FRENCH AND BRITISH, and now here's a slap in the face. You know what, Meyer? Thanks a lot. I am proud to be a pale girl, it's who I am (and because I'm part Irish). But you just made it into a fad. A tasteless fad. THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
SOS: Not to mention the whole trend with the 'almost translucent' bullshit. Why hasn't anyone figured out that half-transparent skin is NOT sexy?
NG55: We do not want to see your muscles and veins, you bint!
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 3
Height: 5’4
SOS: Oh, she's fashionably petite as well! You fucking disgust me, Suethor.
NG55: And taller than I am. *Pouts* Oh, that's also the same height as Bella.
SOS: *Horrified* That’s the same height as ME! Shit, I have something in common with Bella Swan?
NG55: Yeah…dark hair, "pale" skin, and the same height...a Bella clone. How lovely.
Weight: 107lb
SOS: That's about...48.5 kilograms. So...she's also prettily anorexic? How many clichés to you plan to hit by the end of this profile?
NG55: *Groans* Lovely.
Occupation: Famous model prodigy.
NG55: Famous. Model. PRODIGY? Wow, no bullshit, I see. Nope, bringing in the heavy artillery. No faux modesty here! Nope! Not at all!
SOS: This is a category for her OCCUPATION! There was absolutely no need for the Suethor to mention famous or prodigy! But she still did it just to rub it in our faces and make sure we know exactly how superior her Sue is.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 5
Nami works mainly as the main model of Victoria’s Secret
NICKNAME MISUSE: 1 (Chose one name to address her with and STICK with it.)
SOS: ...Oh, and she's all alluring and sexy too, despite being a scrawny sixteen year old, probably covered by acne.
NG55: She's a MINOR!!!! A minor would NOT be advertising UNDERWEAR and LINGERIE!
and Teen Magazine and is featured on the covers of many major magazines.
SOS: Dude, NO model is THAT important to be featured multiple times of almost all major magazines! You know why? Because different magazines have different themes! You might be slutty enough to do one for Victoria's Secret, but what about Men's Health, what about cook magazines, what about sport magazines? There is NO way one person can appeal to the entirety of the market! YOU ARE NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE!
NG55: Exactly! And again, MINOR! She would NOT be a model for Victoria's secret! And a main model for TEEN magazines? HOW is she that famous??? And frankly, this whole bullshit about her being famous actually means Emmett won’t be able to get in a romance with her! Despite how invulnerable Meyerpires are to humans, they STILL have to CONCEAL THEIR IDENTITIES AS VAMPIRES! Dating a famous star is NOT a good idea!
She is short for a model, but has a natural talent that mesmerizes people.
SOS: Well, the Suethor just came out and admitted that EVERYONE loves her, for no reason whatsoever. I don't think there's any doubt left that this is a GIGANTIC Sue.
NG55: No kidding. If these ideals were used to portray a woman who is a model and seems to have it all, but deep down is fighting tough times and isn't all she looks to be, that would be fine. But no, here, it's flaunted as to be awesome and superior.
She is also a part time ballet instructor in Port Angeles.
SOS: She doesn't even have any faux flaws, does she? I don't think I've ever seen such a blatant and shameless Sue.
NG55: bekifokneF-!!! She's SIXTEEN!!! And she’s already a licensed ballet instructor?!
Likes: Classical music, history (mainly WWI and WWII),
SOS: Ah, I see the Suethor is now trying to make her seem dignified and educated.
NG55: I'm not buying it. Not at all.
SOS: This is even more painful, because I love Baroque music and WWII history...I fear how this Sue will defile them.
NG55: Don’t worry! This is Twilight fanfiction! I’m sure the Suethor will forget all about her interests once she meets her lust object!
dancing,
SOS: Um, yes. We gathered that, given that she teaches ballet and everything.
NG55: I'm not even going to ask how she had the time to build all of this up over the years when she also had SCHOOL.
reading,
SOS: How much do you want to bet she never reads?
NG55: *Cries* I love to read... I'll bet she never reads or even mentions reading.
children,
NG55: How much you want to be that's never going to be brought up, either?
SOS: Oh, round about my entire fortune.
rain,
SOS: Oh, look! Isn't she so much better than that slut Bella? she actually LIKES rain! No doubt, she'll use this excuse to move to Forks and start shagging Emmett.
NG55: *Glowers* I love rain...stop taking what I like!! You’re ruining everything!
fast cars,
SOS: Ooh! Look at how much in common she has with Emmett already! No doubt, he'll INSTANTLY fall in love with her!
NG55: That's very true, it's good to have common ground you and relate on to each other. But there's also something called DIFFERENCES.
SOS: This is what's commonly called a Relationship Sue, where EVERY aspect of her personality is crafted to suit her love interest, so much so that when you take him away, the Sue is literally nothing. SOS: She was born for no other purpose than having sex with Emmett, which is just sad.
NG55: Unfortunately. *Pouts*
water, Happy Bunny
SOS: Yeah, I like water too. Just like how I like oxygen and opposable thumbs!
Dislikes: Being a famous model,
SOS: Oh, how does she hold up under the fame? Whatever will she do?
NG55: Something tells me she won't be that modest.
SOS: Again, this trait is here sole to a) generate wangst, and b) making sure that the Sue does not seem arrogant or selfish. Except for how it fails miserably because, if she really did hate being a model, she would fucking quit the job.
NG55: This would only work if she was a single mother supporting a family of two kids and needed the money.
gossip,
SOS: Because no one has anything better to do than talk all about her.
NG55: Of course.
loneliness,
SOS: Oh, she's going to be one of those EMO Sues, isn't she? That's why she likes rain. The sky is as gray and dull and cold as her heart and the rain droplets are the tears of fallen angels, weeping on the barren wasteland that is her soul.
NG55: *Face palms* Thanks for trying to ruin why I love rain, Sue. You SUCK! You don't love rain. You love the so-called "emoness" it brings.
hot weather,
SOS: Tell me, Sue, why I should like you any better than Bella, when you are every bit as whiny as her, only about different things.
NG55: That's very true, she's just a Bella clone times a million. You FAIL! *Chalks that up*
her mother,
SOS: She...hates her MOM? There had better be a damned good reason for that or I WILL kill you. Disrespecting your parents is neither cool nor likeable. Stop doing it.
NG55: I agree. It actually hurts me when they do that. When their parents are both nice people AND good parents. If there's a reason for it, Sue, we'll let it slide. But if there isn't...we're just going to call you Bella 2.
bugs
SOS: You should never, EVER list your own mother together with bugs.
NG55: Agreed! ...And I don't like bugs, either. *Cringes* Especially...their...EYES...*Sobs*
Brief History:
SOS: by 'brief', she means a GIGANTIC block paragraph that is just eye-bleeding to look at.
NG55: And probably nowhere near as unintentionally hilarious as Emerald's, I bet.
Naomi was born in England.
SOS: YOU TOLD US THAT ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MORON!
NG55: Oh yes, we had to be told all over again because we're stupid!
Ever since she was little her mother has been encouraging her to become a model. Since she herself had been a very famous model she wanted her only daughter to follow in her footsteps.
SOS: THAT's the reason she hates her mom? That is NOT a valid excuse to put your own mother right next to BUGS on a list, lady.
It's not even like her mother was pressuring her! all she did was ENCOURAGE her! So, you know, this all comes back to being YOUR own fault. Hating your mother for being ENCOURAGING is just...wow.
NG55: Unless she forced you against your will, jeez. Encouraging is NOT the same as being forced into it against your will.
Nami didn’t like being forced into a future she didn’t want. Her dream has always been to become a ballerina. Her mother agreed to let her take ballet lessons only if Nami continued training to become a model.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 3
SOS: So...your mom still let you do what you want in the end? She agreed to a compromise? Then WHY DO YOU HATE HER?
NG55: That's actually a fair compromise. What the hell?
Since she started competing in various contests she was forced to be taken out of school and became home schooled.
SOS: Then what was all that bullshit about skipping grades?
NG55: Probably forgot about them, of course.
Therefore Nami has never had any close friends,
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4
SOS: You know, homeschooled children still SOCIALISE! If you don't have any friends, then it's your own fault for not trying.
NG55: Seriously! There are still other ways to socialize and meet other kids even if you're homeschooled!
with so much traveling and competing she could never have time to make any.
SOS: This is why we have phones and the internet.
NG55: So then where did you find time to LEARN LANGUAGES?
At 11 Nami had received many offers to join modeling companies and had become a sort of a celebrity throughout England.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 5
SOS: AT. AGE. ELEVEN. Everyone in the world is a paedophile.
NG55: There are child models for kid's clothes, but really...what the heck?!
SOS: I doubt those models ever achieved CELEBRITY status.
NG55: Exactly. So...FAIL.
Her mother was never satisfied though, until an editor from a popular American magazine showed up at their doorstep.
SOS: Because, you know, American magazines are always superior to British ones. No model will ever rest until they are featured on an American magazine.
NG55: Now she's just forcing us to hate her mother.
Mrs. Delacour quickly agreed, promoting her daughter’s career to internationally famous.
SOS: I really anticipate watching this Suethor try to write an allegedly intelligent character, when she has no idea what grammar is.
Naomi first traveled to the U.S. at the age of 12 and became Teen Magazine’s main model.
SOS: ...despite not being a teen. Yeah, that makes sense.
NG55: She's the Sue! She gets illogical special treatment! ...Woohoo.
Her manager and guardian, Sophia, had been with her since her first debut, followed her to the States, but her parents stayed behind in England.
SOS: No doubt so that she doesn't have to deal with anything as troublesome as PARENTS when she's inevitably shagging Emmett.
NG55: And how come her father has never been mentioned? What was his role in all of this?
SOS: The same role Charlie had in Twilight, I guess: to not exist.
NG55: *Whimpers*
SOS: And I see that this Suethor does not understand the mentality of so called 'Stage Moms'. These women pressure their children into fame because THEY want fame themselves. Faced with the opportunity of gaining fame, why would her mom stay behind? All this tells me is that Naomi must be a shameless liar, because none of this makes sense psychologically.
NG55: Indeed, and she clearly has no idea how the modeling industry works.
Nami quickly climbed in her career status and became world famous, traveling all over the world.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
SOS: Of course, it's not like modelling is one of the hardest careers to succeed in. Nope. She does it so effortlessly that the Suethor doesn't even have to describe ANY hardships she faced.
NG55: Not to mention how hard it is to stay in the limelight that long.
She despised her mother for making her enter this lonely and monotone life.
SOS: Oh yes, modelling is definitely a monotonous life. Definitely.
NG55: Most boring life EVER.
Sorry no pictures!
SOS: Thank god, there won't be atrocious attempts at art, or photo manipulations of scantily clad models superimposed on Emmett.
NG55: Fortune has smiled upon us!
Final Count:
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 5
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
Go Forward to: Chapter 1, Part 1