Ignorance is Bliss: Chapter 4:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 4 is here. I've been trying to update the story more often.
Mantra: WHY? Why do you hate us so much?
NG55: Suethor, please, get some more outside opinions before you post your works.
Please rate it so I can see how you guys like it.
Mantra: A rating doesn't count as outside opinion, dear. All it tells you is that people don't like your work, not where you went wrong or how you can improve. Get a BETA.
NG55: I'll rate it, then. I rate it as very poor, needs work, with excessiveness, mischaracterization, flanderization, inexplicable powers...I could go on.
Thanks! Enjoy!
Mantra: Just ORDERING us to enjoy your fic won't accomplish anything dear. You actually have to give us a REASON to enjoy it.
On the way to the lunchroom Nami was met by some of her classmates. Jason, David, and Anna invited her to sit at their table.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 1
Mantra: Yep, what did I tell you? Bella had Mike, Eric, and Jessica, and THIS Sue has Jason, David, and Anna. But she's even more shameless than Bella! She can't even create a Scary Sue like Lauren, because EVERYONE must love her and despair!
NG55: Wow, even MORE of a mirror to the first book/movie. Beautiful. Ohhh...if the Cullens come marching in, like back there, I am so going to have a field day with that.
She remembered what she had heard about Edward Cullen; Naomi didn’t want him to know that she knew their secret.
Quickly she recalled a very long old Russian poem and started translating it in French.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 1
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 2 (One for recalling the poem, another for translating it, as both acts are intended to inspire awe.)
Mantra: Suethor, see my face? This is my NOT AMUSED face. You say ONE MORE FUCKING SENTENCE about how wonderful your Sue is and it will turn into my DESTROY EVERYTHING face.
NG55: I bet you don't even know French. Hey, my French is rusty and even I sometimes can't read it or translate. But this is NOT how you do it.
Her French was a little rusty but she managed.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 3
SOS: Remember this bit, readers, because she blatantly contradicts this later.
Mantra: *Cheerfully* Oh hey, you DID go on. Well, I'd better fulfil my promise, then. *EXPLODES INTO GIANT ELDRITCH ABOMINATION AND BURNS THE FIC TO ASHES*
NG55: *Casually fans the smoke away with paper fan* I think I should've left the chamber...because I inhaled too much smoke.
SOS: *Sighs in resignation and Keyboards in another copy of the fic*
Naomi sat at the full table of seniors. Again, she was asked the same questions, which she answered automatically.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 2
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 4
Mantra: Oh hey, what do you know? She IS a robot! See, Naomi? It wasn't your life that was boring. It was YOU that was boring.
SOS: Oh, I give up. EVERYONE in this universe is born to fawn over the Sue and that is IT.
NG55: We may as well accept it by this point. It's really all we can do.
She didn’t pay a lot of attention to them, concentrating on translating the poem. She was also waiting for them.
Mantra: Completely ignoring your human friends who have been more than courteous to you in favour of vampires who have been nothing but assholes? Meyer will be proud.
NG55: *Yawns* Seen it.
Them, as in the family of vampires that inconspicuously attended this small student school.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 3
Mantra: Oh, thank GOD you specified that! I would never have guess otherwise!
NG55: There is no one else.....there is only-*Dramatic pause*....THEM.
SOS: And I suppose it’s fitting that only such a shameless Sue can consider the Cullens to be INCONSPICUOUS.
They came in soon after, only four of them, as if filming a clothing commercial.
Mantra: What, they were carrying cameras and shouting instructions at everyone?
NG55: Now I can finally do it! *Inserts Domine Kira in time to them walking in, slow-mo framing* Ah yeah...
Their hair sparkled with water droplets from the rain, their clothes simple but obviously quite expensive.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 4
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 5
Mantra: And that's exactly how you described yourself. How arrogant can you GET, Sue? Oh wait, I don't want to know.
NG55: Not amused, Sue. NOT amused.
For an unknown reason they too went through the lunch line, getting full trays of food.
“What do they eat pizza too?” Thought Nami,
NICKNAME MISUSE: 2
Mantra: TO BLEND IN? Is that such a hard concept to grasp? Wait, don't answer that.
NG55: Oh I get it, yeah, because Edward took a bite of pizza....you know, to show Bella he can eat food... *Sighs* Wasn't that funny the first time, Suethor.
but was interrupted by Jason.
“Hey, Nami, aren’t you going to eat anything?” He asked ready to give her his sandwich.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 6
Mantra: IT'S A SCHOOL CANTEEN. YOU GET PRE-PAID FOOD. Why would he do that when all she has to do is go line up and get her own food?
NG55: Because doing that wouldn't involve pandering to the Sue.
This caught her attention. Around the table everyone had a tray full of food. Pizzas, fried chicken, sandwiches, covered the space. In front of Naomi the spot was empty.
Mantra: Because she's an IDIOT. Suethor, this isn't some great mystery. You don't have to freaking build it up! In fact, HOW IS THIS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY AT ALL?
NG55: Hey, if it's not going to focus on anything important, why should we? *Plays with pony toys* One rainy day in Ponyville....
“Oh, you’re right. I completely forgot.” Everyone had turned to look at her. Most were curious about her confused expression.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 5
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 7 (Of course, EVERYONE is interested in her every action.)
Mantra: Oh, she just looks confused because her one, lone brain cell can't handle anything. There's no need to be curious.
NG55: (Minions) She's confused about something?! Who'd have thought?!
Nami rose from her seat and flashed them
NICKNAME MISUSE: 3
Mantra: GAH, woman!
a smile. “I’ll be right back.”
Mantra: Oh, you TEASE.
She walked gracefully to the lunch line. She looked and chose a bottle of water. She never got hungry at lunch.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 6
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 9 (For implying she was prettily anorexic as well.)
Mantra: HOW? Why? You only had half a salad for breakfast! What, are you just MAGICALLY always perfectly anorexic? Do you think that's a GOOD thing?
NG55: That doesn't make sense! Not to mention unhealthy! Then again, I do believe you SHOULD eat when you're hungry, but regardless, come on. You had half a salad at breakfast and nothing in between. How are you NOT hungry?
When Naomi walked out, she saw the same four Cullens sitting at the farthest corner of the cafeteria. They weren’t eating or talking. All of them were staring off into space, in different directions.
Mantra: THE CULLENS: the masters of blending in!
NG55: Hee! I bet they're derping! All cross-eyed and going "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrr...."
Again the voices appeared in her head. This time there were two. It was Alice and Jasper both.
Mantra: *Grits teeth* SUETHOR. STOP FUCKING DOING THAT. I DON'T WANT TO EXPLODE, DAMMIT.
NG55: *Deadpan* Gee, I wonder what they're talking about....
Nami looked at them as she walked down to her table. Alice was small and sported a pixie like haircut. She was extremely cute.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 7
Mantra: The Sue is described as 'perfect', and a vampire is described as 'cute'. HOW OBVIOUS CAN YOU GET?
NG55: So...she's even declaring herself aesthetically superior to the Meyerpires? Wow. Even Bella didn't do that!
Her thoughts at the moment were full of Jasper as were his of her. It was obvious they were completely in love.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 8
Mantra: Yes, the inability to think about anything else but your object of obession is a SURE sign of Twu Wub.
NG55: Cute. And now I'm bored. Can SOMETHING happen here?
Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted as two people appeared in front of her. Naomi immediately recognized Bella, who was walking hand in hand with a handsome 17 year old.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 10
Mantra: ...NG55, I was HAPPY to just read about inane babbling. But no. You HAD to make Edward and fucking Bella appear.
NG55: *Cowers* I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! And I meant ANYTHING but that!! Suethor, NO! You're not supposed to answer my pleas!
So she knows.
“Then this must be Edward.” Nami thought to herself. She had always liked the name.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 5
Mantra: Aaaaand, you just gave yourself away. You just revealed that you know all about them, even though you shouldn't. Congratulations on lying low, there!
NG55: You IDIOT!!! Stop it!! What are you trying to accomplish here?!
As if on cue the poem returned in her head.
Mantra: TOO FUCKING LATE. You already blew your cover!
NG55: Way to go, Sue. Way to freaking go. Why don't you stand up on your table and announce to the entire cafeteria that you are a mind-reading whore and that the Cullens are vampires? Go on. I dare you.
They had stopped.
“Oh, hi Nami.” Bella greeted. She was in high spirits.
Mantra: Oh, even BELLA has to get high in order to stand the Sue! That says a lot.
NG55: Even from a reading standpoint, it's impossible to picture Bella smiling.
“Hi Bella.” She returned, continuing to translate the complicated rhymes in French.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 10
Mantra: Oh, and she HAD to throw in that the rhymes were complicated, in case we had any doubts that the Sue might NOT be a wonderful genius. *Spits*
NG55: Ce n'est pas difficile, Sue! On peu voir que tu sais le langue de Francais! Donc, c'est quoi ta probleme? Est-ce-que tu veu offrire une explanation? Non? Mais alors... Just continue, will you please?
SOS: And Sue, that is a REALLY bad way of fucking protecting your secret! I don't know, but having them find our I'm a model sounds a lot more pleasant than having them find out I CAN FUCKING READ MINDS! You're waving around a sign that says 'I KNOW YOUR SECRET'!
THINK ABOUT FASHION! FANTASIZE ABOUT EDWARD BEING NAKED! YOU CAN LITERALLY THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE AND HAVE YOURSELF COME OFF AS JUST ANOTHER SHALLOW TEENAGER! That is how you freaking blend in!!
NG55: Frankly, I don’t believe anyone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘in’ and ‘into’ can translate anything accurately. Oh sure, she can THINK that she’s doing it brilliantly, but I’m going to assume what comes out is utterly incomprehensible or hilariously wrong.
“Hello.” A cool but irresistible voice interrupted. Nami’s eyes traveled to the now familiar golden eyes. The boy was lean with messy bronze hair, a lot taller then her. His expression friendly.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
Mantra: Friendly? Dude, the guy has a constantly constipated expression! What kind of friends did you have growing up that you'd consider that friendly?
NG55: (Sue) Hey! It's Hurricane Hair Edward!
“Nami, this is Edward.” Bella introduced.
“I’m her boyfriend.” He added with a cute crooked smile.
Mantra: ...cute.
Edward Cullen is CUTE.
Please excuse me, I need to go wash my eyes out with acid.
NG55: CROOKED?! *Laughs* Oooh, I can bring up someone with an adorable crooked smile! RPattz, I love you to pieces...but no. You do not quite qualify.
Naomi giggled at Bella’s blush.
Mantra: Why? What, is she EMBARRASSED about the relationship? According to the Suethor, this is set AFTER the events of New Moon, so...what the hell? At that point, Bella is all but flaunting her relationship with Edward and EVERYONE knows already!
NG55: Wait a minute. THAT is the timeline? After the events of New Moon?! ....I don't even know if that settles it or raises more questions.
“I noticed.” She pointed at their intertwined hands. A confused look crossed Edward’s eyes.
Mantra: (Edward) How could she POSSIBLY tell that we're a couple? Why, we are so subtle, we only make goggly eyes at each other 97% of the time!
NG55: *Rolls over laughing* Edward, you're about as subtle as the Slender Man in a crowd of midgets!
Now she could hear his thoughts too.
Mantra: Because...why? HOW? Are you EVER going to freaking explain this? Confusing your readers is NOT a good way to write a story!
“Why is she translating a poem? Alice does that when she doesn’t want me to know something.
Mantra: THEN MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING? GOD, Edward, how stupid are you?
NG55: Wow, isn't she special? She's the only one other than Alice to do that.
It’s frustrating.
Mantra: (Edward) I HAVE THE RIGHT TO READ WHATEVER MIND I WANT TO, DAMMIT! How DARE she hide her thoughts from me?
NG55: *Shrinks back* He's not going to slap her for that, is he?
I mean first Bella and now her friend. Maybe it’s contagious.” He mused.
Mantra: NO. This situation is NOTHING like what you have with Bella. With Bella, you hear NOTHING. You can clearly still read this woman's mind, but you just can't hear anything important because she's focusing on something else!
SOS: I sincerely hope that was a joke, Edward, because I don't know HOW stupid you have to be to assume that it was CONTAGIOUS.
NG55: That would be silly, and it kind of is, but honestly Edward. You can't read Bella's mind. You can read Nami's. She's just not thinking what you want her to think.
Naomi laughed. They looked at her with confusion.
Mantra: Truly, you are the master at blending in and not appearing suspicious.
NG55: I will refer you to my previous subtlety crack about a train wreck on a boat.
“Sorry, I have to go. The people at my table are getting impatient.” She tried to cover it up.
Mantra: Oops, I, like, totally have something else and, like, totally have to go. *Stonily* Oh, what a brilliant excuse.
NG55: Very convincing, Sue.
“Oh, okay. Bye Nami.” Bella smiled, a little disappointed.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 11
Mantra: *Buzzes* CANON RAPE! Since when has Bella cared about the company of ANYONE except Edward?
NG55: I'd say it's a cover-up, but Bella is a lousy liar.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later. If you want you can come over to my place after school.” She said walking away.
Mantra: Inviting someone to your house on the first date? That's rather rushed, isn't it?
NG55: Of course not. Fourth Date Marriage, anyone?
“Sure I’ll meet you at the parking lot.” Bella called after her. She noticed Edward’s frustrated expression. “What’s wrong?” She asked him.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 12 (Of COURSE, Bella fucking Swan will abandon Edward in order to hang out with the Sue.)
Mantra: (Edward) Nah, don't worry. That's how I always look. Constipation is the only emotion I have.
NG55: (Edward) Oh no you don't. How dare you make other friends besides me. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
“Contagious? Is he serious?” Nami’s laughing voice echoed in his head. Then as if she knew she had made a mistake she went back to translating the poem.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 7
Mantra: *Slow clap* Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen. BASK in her genius.
NG55: Oh come on. Do we have to go back to the Sue? I'd rather read about googly eyes!
Edward turned to Bella.
“She’s weird.” He said, still thinking about her mental remark.
Mantra: GOD, SHE IS ALL BUT WEARING A NEON SIGN ABOVE HER HEAD THAT SAYS 'I'M A MIND READER!' HOW BLIND CAN YOU GET?
NG55: No no no no. She's not weird. She's an abomination of creativity! It's Sues like HER that give any fan characters a BAD NAME!
Bella pouted.
“How is she weird? She’s funny and beautiful. It’s like saying you’re weird.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 15
Mantra: FEMMESLASH! My only salvation!
NG55: Mine too!
I really thought she was a vampire at first. But her eyes are really pretty green.” She whispered as they walked to the Cullen table.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALY: 12
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 17
Mantra: And you never considered the possibility of CONTACT LENSES? We know she's not a vampire because we saw her eat salad, but you don't know that!
NG55: I think we should ALL know by now, readers and the characters, that Nami is...........a Sue.
When Edward sat down he turned to Jasper.
“This morning you said you felt as if she read your mind. She was translating a poem from Russian to French. After Bella and I talked to her she repeated something from my thoughts.” He said this fast, his lips barely moving. Jasper nodded.
“I think that’s how she found out about the bet.”
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 13
Mantra: CONGRATULATIONS! You finally figured it out after, oh what, the TWELVE HUNDREDTH hint?
NG55: Once again, how and WHY can she read minds?! This makes no damn sense! I swear, there was nothing eluding to it earlier! How was she not reading minds before? Why was it not mentioned? She never made ANY kind of notion that she knew what anyone was thinking aside from what she may be accustomed to the way people act around her!! I do NOT buy it! It was tacked on at the last minute so that she wouldn't have to do ACTUAL WORK to get to know Emmett or the rest of the Cullens and research! This FAILS!!!
“But how can she read minds? She’s human.” Rosalie said that with distaste.
Mantra: Oh, Rosalie, stop pointing out the illogic in the story. Haven't you learned that the Suethor will smite you for that?
NG55: That's the unfortunate truth. Look what happened to all the other Scary-Sue-Intended-Canon-Love-Interests.
“No offense Bella.” Edward threw her a glare, but then turned to Emmett.
Mantra: Since when have Twilight vampires cared about not offending humans with their racism? Since when have EDWARD ever shown that he holds humanity in high regard?
NG55: Especially Rosalie? Not so much that because Bella's human, but that she's actually saying such a thing to BELLA.
He was unnaturally moody.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 14
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 18 (Of course, Emmett is already pining after her.)
“You know her best so far. What do you think?” Edward listened to his thought for a while. He smiled. “So she didn’t tell you anything when you asked her?”
Mantra: Of course, because Emmett has nothing better to do than think about the SUE
SOS: Oh, that I'm not that worried about. The Sue was behaving DAMNED suspicious and I would be wondering about her too. Mostly about just how stupid she is. BUT, what do you mean by 'asked her'? Emmett didn't question her at all! He threw a few questions around, yes, but he never pressed for an answer!
If he REALLY wanted an answer, trust me, he would have gotten one! So I don't see why he'd be sulky at all!
NG55: And he never even RECEIVED an answer. Moreoever, why does he care? Emmett has better things to do! Like sharpening his katanas, kickbox practice, watching the Super Bowl with Leah, playing some X-Box with Embry and Leah, hanging out with Dean and Sam, wondering why a hilarious fanboy named Dan Bergenstein is leaving messages on his cell phone...need I go on?
He continued listening “Very daring.” He shook his head.
Mantra: Daring? No, that wasn't daring. That was just shameless whoring.
NG55: How the hell is she daring? Really? How is she? Edward, darling, please, enlighten me.
The largest of the Cullens shrugged and continued staring off. The others, including Bella, were looking from Edward to Emmett, clearly confused.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 15
Mantra: Translation: no one freaking cares.
NG55: WHY are they confused?! It’s pretty easy to guess what’s happening just from what Edward is saying! Emmett obviously asked the Sue about something, likely concerning her, and she refused to answer. And then one of them made a risqué move!
Mantra: Well, I guess they're just that stupid.
“What’s this about?” Asked Alice.
“He’s mad because he tried to get her to tell him about herself, but she didn’t budge. Like she was the one in control.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 19 (You’re not being feminist here, Suethor. Stop trying.)
Mantra: No. Wrong. He wasn't trying. If he was trying, you know what he would have done? Kidnapped her, tied her up, and broken one of her fingers each time she refused to answer. He politely asked a few questions and WILLINGLY gave up when she tried to flirt with him in return. There's a difference.
SOS: And Emmett doesn't get pissy when a girl tries to take control! He doesn't have a control complex! He's not EDWARD!
NG55: Emmett wouldn't have cared. He'd have shrugged his shoulders at losing the bet, and would've moved on with his life. Why? Because he's fuckin' Emmett!
And then…” Edward explained.
“If you tell them, I’ll rip your head off.” Emmett’s voice sounded in his head. Edward gave him a mocking smile.
“I’d like to see you try.”
Mantra: (Emmett) Okay. *Rips his head off*
NG55: He's strong, and he's a vampire. He CAN do it, Wardo.
A challenge like that would usually cheer Emmett up, but he just grabbed his tray and stood up.
“Whatever.” He exited the cafeteria.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 16
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 20 (He can’t even enjoy his favourite activity because of how much he loves her! Isn’t that cute?)
Mantra: -and left the fic for good.
NG55: CANON VIOLATION! What is Emmett's PROBLEM?! Honestly!!!
Mantra: *Simpering* He's so torn up about the SUE!
NG55: Emmett. ...YOU. ARE. MARRIED!!!! GET THE HELL OVER IT!!!
Edward looked across the room. He saw Nami throwing a worried look at the door.
“Maybe I overdid it a bit.” She thought guiltily.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 8
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 17
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 21 (For presuming that Emmett left BECAUSE of her, not just because he has something he needs to go or that he’s just finished eating or he got into a fight with his family.)
Mantra: *Incredulous* A BIT? I'M a more subtle flirt than YOU!
NG55: (Nami) Oh no. The door isn't automatically opening for me. It's not broken, is it? Oh, come on, door...don't fail me now! I need to make a dramatic exit!
Edward snorted inwardly.
“You’re right about that.” He thought.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 18
Mantra: Oh yeah, because EDWARD is the compassionate one around here.
Nami slowly turned her eyes towards him. They were wide with panic. Edward was surprised. So she could hear thoughts.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 9
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 19
Mantra: THAT was what clued you in? Not her bragging to Rosalie and Jasper. Not her repeating your thoughts. NOT HER BASICALLY TELLING YOU SHE CAN READ MINDS? Really?
NG55: *Deadpan* Oh no. Poor Nami. She's all scaaaaared.
“Please meet me outside.” She thought, her voice pleading. She broke eye contact to excuse herself from the table. She then also exited the cafeteria. Her moves graceful, but with a frantic edge. Her face carefully composed.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 20
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 23
Mantra: And all of that description was VERY necessary and essential.
NG55: Always have to have the Sue completely in control of herself and super duper graceful? She can do NO wrong, can she?
Edward turned back to the table.
“She decided to spill the beans.” He told them.
Mantra: (Edward) She just told me she was gay!
NG55: I have one question. Why does she need to meet him outside to tell him this? THEY ARE BOTH MIND READERS! They can have this ENTIRE conversation right here in the cafeteria, and no one would be any the wiser! You couldn't be MORE private! No no, going outside, and talking about it out loud, in THEIR case, leads more to a risk of being overheard or caught!
Bella looked at him with wide eyes full of confusion.
“So she can read minds.” Jasper noted. Edward nodded.
“She said she’ll tell me everything.” He too stood up and left.
“Don’t do anything stupid.” Alice mentally warned him.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 21
Mantra: *Stares, then bursts out laughing* Don't do anything stupid, indeed.
NG55: *Facepalms* You can avoid this entire bullshit! Why is no one bringing this up?! Why?! Is everyone in this story an idiot?! Oh God, I hope poor Leah isn't in this story.
When Edward got outside, Nami was casually leaning against the side of the cafeteria. She seemed relaxed, but Edward could hear the increasing rate of her heart. Her small hand was clutching the water bottle, turning her knuckles whiter then usual. She lifted her head to look at him as he neared her.
“Uhm, hi.” She said.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 10
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 22
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 26
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Is it me or does this sound like the Sue is carrying a torch for EDWARD?
NG55: It sure seems like it. But once again, WHY ARE YOU NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAMN MINDS?!?!?! YOU ARE BOTH MIND READERS!!!!! YOU CAN SPARE THE BULLSHIT! MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO IDIOTS!!!!!GIOWNAOIGEKNKLNGVLNWGLKNELGFKNEA!!!!?GBEAROUNGPIONFOUNWEROINFWOINFEV!!!! ....I'm so sorry. This is just bothering me more than it should be.
Mantra: *Pats* It's okay. Illogic can do that to you.
Edward tried to listen to her thoughts, but her mind was in too much disarray.
Mantra: ...Apparently, that's her reason. The Sue is just too NERVOUS to communicate by mind. Well, guess what? If she's too nervous to THINK, then she'd be too nervous to TALK!
NG55: ...Suethor. YOU. CAN'T. WRITE!!!!!! Excuse me. *Goes into the next room. Muffled screaming and wails are heard, as well as eggs being thrown to the wall.* .........*Comes back* This is not helping.
Mantra: See? I told you comfort sex would be a good idea.
He just cocked an eyebrow. Her eyes became guarded.
“What? Are you only nice when Bella’s around?” She asked.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 27 (Of course, she deserves to have EVERYONE fawning over her at all times.)
Mantra: DUDE, she IS flirting with him! Just how shameless ARE you?
NG55: Whatever. Just break Edward and Bella apart, anger the shippers, and make the antis just roll their eyes, seeing it as not too much of an improvement at all.
He frowned.
“Don’t mix Bella into this.” His stern voice scared Naomi. Her emerald green eyes were wide and honest.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 29
Mantra: Ah, there we go. Finally, we have Edward as psychotic as he should be. Now, kill that little bitch for the Greater Good. This would be one act of vigilantism I'm 100%
NG55: *Yawns* It's a Suefic...Oh well, I don't blame anyone for hoping.
“You shouldn’t worry about Bella when she’s with me.” He was about to say something but she continued. “I just want to be her friend; I’ve never really had one.”
SHE ADVERBED ADVRBIALLY: 23
Mantra: (Sue) I want to be her VERY special friend, if you know what I mean. *Wink*
NG55: More Femmslash implications? Well, thank God for small favours!
SOS: Indeed. Without it, we might be forced to stare at how disgusting this Sue is, trying to act as if she had a horrible past and fishing for sympathy from EVERYONE.
Edward studied her expression carefully. He let out a sigh.
“Fine. What about you hearing thoughts? How does it work exactly?” He seemed mostly curious but also a little concerned.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 26
Mantra: That's easy. It doesn't.
NG55: Wow. Are we finally going to get an explanation to this? Will the Sue reveal some kind of element in her backstory that leads to this? Was she born with it? Did she somehow acquire it? ....Or is she going to say something that will detract from the subject, that is either juvenile or annoying, and we'll never get the answer we're trying to find?
Nami smiled.
“Was it when I said ‘contagious’?” She asked already knowing the answer. He nodded and returned her smile.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 11
Mantra: No. That would make logical sense. It was, apparently, when you looked at him, scared. I can't imagine why that would indicate mind-reading, but apparently, it does.
NG55: Enough with the nonsensical idiocy and just get to the point! You don't even NEED to have this conversation! Stop proving it even more! GET ON WITH IT!
SOS: I agree. This is already getting disgusting, the way those two are grinning at each other like love-sick virgins…
Mantra: You’re a virgin, too. You know that?
SOS: SHUT UP.
“So you can’t hear what Bella’s thinking? I can only imagine the daily torture you go through.” She joked.
Mantra: Oh yes, not being able to rifle through people's minds at will is SUCH torture. Why, I have no idea how you live not being able to do that at all, NG55.
NG55: Quite a tragedy it is.
Edward smirked, knowing what she was trying to do.
“Don’t change the subject.” He warned.
Mantra: Awwww, I totally thought he was going to warn her off of Bella! I mean, they were getting so chummy...
NG55: Thank you, Edward. Really, why is she trying to change the subject at all? She’s not being interrogated here! She’s VOLUNTEERING the information! She’s already decided to tell him, so what’s she doing pussy-footing around?
She let out a sigh.
“Okay, I guess I have no choice but to tell you. It only works on specific…people.” Naomi began carefully choosing the words.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27
Mantra: YES, WE NOTICED.
NG55: ....What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
“On people with similar powers to mine.
Mantra: Erm, no. It doesn't. It's worked on Jasper and Alice, who are NOT mind readers. I don't care how you spin it, clairvoyance is VERY different to telepathy.
NG55: What the hell? She can only read the minds of certain types?! How does that even work? All this is doing is raising even more questions! Explain, story! Explain!
I actually have a theory about it.” She looked at him under her long eyelashes. Edward was listening intently. “I think, when you use your powers you leave your mind vulnerable.” Nami paused. Edward was giving her a disbelieving look. “You see, when you listen to people’s thoughts, you unconsciously break through their mind barrier. If you also have a strong barrier, the two will clash, so you take down your barrier to be able to get through theirs.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 12
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 30
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 31 (So, it boils down to ‘I’m just SPESHUL!’)
Mantra: But…THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!
SOS: Here, let me destroy your argument with one VERY simple fact: you couldn’t read Edward’s mind initially. It’s only after you’ve exchanged a few sentences that you could suddenly hear his voice. And Edward’s power is INVOLUNTARY.
In fact, this same scenario happened with Alice and Jasper. It’s only a few minutes AFTER meeting them that you start hearing their thoughts.
So, if using psychic powers means having to take down your mental shields, then you should be able to hear them CONSTANTLY, because their powers aren’t being switched on and off all the time, you IDIOT.
NG55: I knew it. She's using the magic cop-out.
Is this making any sense to you? I don’t know if that’s how it really is.”
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 31
Mantra: NO, it's not. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
NG55: You're only raising even MORE questions!
He looked thoughtful for a second.
“No actually your theory seems pretty plausible. I actually never thought of it that way.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 33
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 32 (Of course, she’s correct.)
Mantra: ...PLAUSIBLE? IT'S BLATANT CANON-RAPE, IS WHAT IT IS! If there are mind-shields, then don't you think Edward's mind-reading would be VOLUNTARY? And he can just erect the shields when he doesn't want to hear? Don't you think Alice would be able to CONTROL when her visions come and go, by opening and closing them?
NG55: It's not plausible, Edward. Not by canon standards. And why does it only work on certain people?!
Where do your powers fit in then?” Edward pressed. Nami held up a finger, gathering her thoughts.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 13
Mantra: (Sue) NOOOOO, don't ask me questions! I need my one braincell to focus on how awesome I am! If you ask questions, I might overload and fry it!
NG55: He can READ YOUR DAMN MIND! *Facepalms* You people are so stupid....so stupid....
“I was getting to that. Because my powers are obviously weaker then yours, I can’t actually break through other people’s barriers. But what I can do is access the mind of someone whose barrier is already down.” Naomi smiled brilliantly. Edward grinned.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 35
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 34 (Yep, she was just SPESHUL enough to have an awesome power even as a human.)
Mantra: And you can do this because....how? What? And if shields can only be lowered when using telepathic powers, then how do you explain Bella, who can remove her shield after becoming a vampire?
In fact, if using psychic powers means breaking down your shield, then why would Aro need PHYSICAL CONTACT to read people's minds? What does that have to do with mental powers?
And how come Alice and Jasper's voices sound exactly the same in Edward's head as everyone else, even though they have their shields down and others don't?
NG55: Thanks a lot, Suethor. You have now managed to confuse us even more. This isn't a good thing. You have to have a REASON for things like this! You can't just tack something on and expect it to work!
“I have to admit, this is really good.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 36
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 35
Mantra: You're easily satisfied, aren't you, Edward?
NG55: What's really good? You make it sound like you're suddenly eating or drinking something!
Although, am I the only person’s thoughts you can hear?” Nami laughed her musical laugh.
“No. It’s not like with you and Bella; not one of a kind.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 14
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 36
Mantra: What? Why would you even draw that comparison? This has NOTHING to do with Bella! Why do you insist on mentioning her? Are you just that much in love?
NG55: Hands out of your pants, Suethor.
Alice and Jasper both have powers. Jasper also has to take down his barrier to feel other people’s emotions and even more to manipulate them.
Mantra: HIS POWER IS INVOLUNTARY. HE CAN'T STOP FEELING PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS. THERE IS NO TAKING DOWN OF SHIELDS BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING SHIELD
NG55: It's second nature to him, it's involuntary! He doesn't manipulate emotions by letting down barriers! It just comes naturally to him!
Alice’s mind is always open to be able to see flashes of the future at all times. I have a theory about that too. I think she doesn’t have a barrier at all.
Mantra: *Grits teeth* You know what pisses me off? This theory is actually how Mrs. Hyde decided to use with Alice in her Hours series. And she did it brilliantly. This Suethor just ruined the fucking concept.
NG55: It just shows that in the hands of a good writer, this kind of thing can work. When it's not, it's crap.
That’s how she got her powers in the first place.”
Mantra: NO, IT'S FUCKING NOT. EDWARD AND JASPER BOTH HAVE THEIR SHIELDS DOWN ALL THE TIME, ACCORDING TO YOU! THEY'RE NOT CLAIRVOYANT! THAT IS PROOF RIGHT THERE THAT YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG, DAMMIT
NG55: You just gotta love how Nami talks to and about them like she knows them.
Nami expected Edward to ask her how she knew his siblings’ powers but to her surprise he didn’t.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 15
Mantra: Maybe because HE KNOWS YOU FUCKING READ MINDS?
NG55: EXACTLY. MY. POINT!!! AND HE CAN READ YOUR MIND TOO!!!! GAAAHH!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO IDIOTS?!?!?
“You figured out all this by being here just half a day? Jasper did mention something about you being smart.” He said jokingly.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBALLY: 37
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 37
Mantra: SHE CAN READ FUCKING MINDS! OF COURSE SHE FUCKING KNOWS! SHE DIDN'T DEDUCE ANYTHING! SHE JUST READ YOUR FUCKING MINDS BECAUSE SHE'S A FUCKING MINDREADER, DAMMIT!
Nami glared.
“Are you surprised?” She hissed through her teeth.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 16
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 38 (For implying that people should just ASSUME that she is a genius.)
Mantra: I don't blame him. So far, you've shown even less intelligence than the Cullens.
NG55: Oh, now she's all mad and snarky. Ooooh. *Groan* Just like EVERY. OTHER. SUE!
“Well, you know what they say about models.” Edward smirked.
Mantra: Edward, he's the only character who's personality doesn't change at all in Suefics - BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY A GIANT STU!
NG55: Yep! Vain, stupid, incredibly self-centrered, making sure to trump over any young impressionable woman's self-esteem.
“If you want it that way two can play that came.” She also put on a mocking façade.
Mantra: Sue, are you even TRYING to make us sympathise with you? Becoming an even bigger asshole than the resident asshole will NOT endear you to us.
NG55: Be the bigger person and just be civil! Otherwise you look like a moron. And what are you doing?! You know what the other is thinking! You both do! THIS CONVERSATON IS USELESS!!! All it's doing is padding out the chapter and the plot! PADDING!
He looked at her curiously.
“What do you have on me except mind reading?” He asked.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 38
SOS: *Dazed* You know, in every fic we've sporked so far, there's always been an equivalent of Leah in there somewhere. This is the first time I've seen a piece of writing without a single, solitary likeable or logical character.
KILL ME.
NG55: You're right! There's always been some kind of an exception, either a villainous type with the potential of awesome, or a supporting character who is more likeable than the Sue protagonist, I could go on, but it's true here! There is just NO one who's been likeable! Even Emmett is slowly shedding that, and that's terrible! He's one of the most likeable and fun characters in the entire series! Now it's just getting ruined!
“Wrong question. I’ve got plenty.” She said with a warning tone.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 39
Mantra: (Sue) Like I have...um...er....uh...supposedly awesome maths skills? Seriously, what DO I have?
NG55: Honestly Sue, you are NOT. INTIMIDATING! You just come off as a wannabe tough girl!
Students were already exiting the cafeteria. Nami began walking away. Edward looked for Bella, still listening to Naomi’s thoughts.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 17
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 40
Mantra: Oh hey, she even has Edward diverting his attention from Bella to focus on her! How very SHAMELESS.
NG55: One word. LAZY.
“He thinks he knows everything. Idiot. I don’t know how Bella stands him. So conceited.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 41 (For implying that she’s any better than Edward)
Mantra: ...You know, in any other story, I would be cheering on this character. But here? After the shit she has pulled?
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT.
NG55: You're really preaching to the choir there, Sue.
He wanted to laugh.
Mantra: *Crushes table with a punch* SUETHOR, stop fucking doing it. ONE outrageous Sue is enough. You really don't have to bring in the heavy artillery here.
NG55: Honestly! We don’t need Midnight Sun mixed in here!
“I shouldn’t be surprised, all vampires are like that.”
Mantra: Do I need to bring in canon!Emmett, you racist BITCH?
NG55: Stereotyping, racism and generalizing?! For crying out loud, Sue! You're one hell of a piece of work, you know that? You are by far one of the most stupid, unlikeable, annoying, self-entitled Sues I have EVER seen.
Edward froze on the sidewalk.
“She knows.” Was the only thing he said.
Mantra: *Slow clap* GOOD FUCKING JOB, SUE. GOOD FUCKING JOB.
NG55: Of course she knows. She read your mind. How do you think she figured it out? Brilliant deduction? ........YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN FROM THE BEGINNING OF THIS DEBACLE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!! GWOINGNWPGFNKN!!!! SUETHOR YOU CAN'T WRITE!!!!!!
SOS: Thankfully, that's the end of the chapter, and by GOD what a stupid chapter it is.
NG55: Whew, thank God it's over for now. This was terrible! And yet again, they didn't need to do this. They could have had this ENTIRE conversation, in the cafeteria, with no one else knowing! Simple! And why didn't that happen? Because the Suethor can't write and can't grasp that BASIC logic. Honestly!
SOS: See you next time, guys, where we have the Sue's back story revealed to us. It shall be most painful.
FINAL COUNTS:
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 38 (2.1% or every 48 words. Still not improving, Suethor. I should really just give up hope, shouldn’t I?)
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISING: 41 (2.3% or every 44 words, still not as bad as the first two chapters. I guess now that the Suethor established what Naomi looked like, she’s peddling back on the gratuitous descriptions a bit.)
NICKNAME MISUSE: 17 (The Sue’s name is used a total of 28 times in this chapter so, yet again, well over half. Suethor, seriously, why don’t you just have people call your Sue by Naomi and be done with it? Get rid of the stupid nickname if it confuses you that much.)
Go Forward to: Chapter 5, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 3