Ignorance is Bliss: Chapter 9
Chapter 9:
And here's Chapter 9. Finally! Thank you for the wonderful banners again!
Mantra: Don't worry, guys. Despite how sinister that sound, she actually hasn't received a THIRD banner. YET.
Naruto: Nothing surprising there!
Thank you for the messages. I'm so happy that so many people like my story!
Mantra: How like you to completely disregard all the criticism and negative messages. Because I REFUSE to believe that every single person who's ever messaged you had horrible taste.
Naruto: Sure, it's all a matter of taste...but taste is when you like one ramen flavour over another! This is just, no!
Please continue to enjoy reading!
Mantra: *Waves to audience* Please continue to enjoy our sporkings. It's a task that's slightly easier to accomplish than enjoying this fic.
Naruto: Not unless the story turns into Indiana Jones!
Mantra: ...I would rather prefer if this Sue stayed the fuck away from Indiana Jones. Maybe we could compromise on a less fangirl-bait-y character and have Slender Man replace the hero of this story?
Naruto: You know what I mean. *Pout* ...Although that would be awesome!
Key:
“….” - speaking (dialog)
‘….’ - thoughts
Mantra: *Swears profusely* Screw you for making me change my colour, Suethor. Screw you.
SOS: Oh yeah, SEVEN chapters after introducing a main character who can read fucking minds, you finally start differentiating between spoken and mental dialogue.
Yeah, I totally believe you were listening to the advice of the incredibly confused readers.
Naruto: Seriously? You're telling us this NOW? Why not in the beginning?! You see, this proves it even more! The mind-reading aspect was tacked on halfway though!
(Naomi and Edward communicate this way a lot of the time.)
Mantra: (Suethor) But only for inconsequential things. Anything actually important, they have to say aloud, like Naomi's little confession and her instruction to Edward for how to wrap his girlfriend in cotton. Because EVERYONE must know how selfless and wonderful my Sue is, so she can't keep it private.
SOS: But they communicate mentally for inconsequential things to rub in their superiority. Because, don't you know, mind-reading is the BEST. SUPERPOWER. EVAR. Meyer said so, so it has to be true.
Naruto: Are you kidding? I wouldn't want the ability to mind read! I mean, sure, it's kind of cool if you think about it, but it's one of the worst super power ideas ever! If it was on command, maybe, but still!
SOS: *Menacingly* Meyer said so, so it has to be true. What part of that sentence don't you get?
NG55: Let it go, I don't think he was paying attention.
I’m sorry if you were confused a lot of the times, because I hadn’t clarified this. I think in the first three chapters, this key doesn’t apply. But in the newer ones it does.
Mantra: And yet you still waited until now to do something that even the most basic of Suethors know to do. I finally understand how you can portray the ignorance and self-centred-ness of the Cullens so accurately.
Naruto: That doesn't matter if the key doesn't apply early on! Put it in anyway, so we'll know when it comes up!
Sorry for the miscommunication.
Mantra: That's not miscommunication. You knew we needed it, but didn't put it in. That's just For The Evulz bullshit.
Naruto: Oh, come on! Even if we somehow forgot about the key as we read along, I think we would have been able to put two and two together!
Everyone was silent. Their expressions stunned. Emmett tried to smile at Naomi’s attempt to lighten up the mood, but couldn’t. For once his face remained grim.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 4
Mantra: (Emmett) Seriously, dude, did you think that shit was funny? You killed him. I'm pretty fucking sure that Ian guy is DEAD now because of you and your insane obsession to meet every prominent person in this universe. Congratulation. You disgust me.
Naruto: Yeah...I don't think Emmett would find it funny or amusing!
Their eyes helpless and sympathetic.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 6
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 2
Mantra: (Cullens) Please don't torture us with another extended flashback? That was crammed so full of bullshit that even we can't stand it!
Naruto: (Cullens) Man, we can't believe we had to sit through that. I'm so sorry, everyone.
“Oh come on! Somebody might think ya’ll are going to a funeral!” She joked with a southern accent.
Mantra: Believe it or not, random accents do not magically make unfunny jokes funny.
SOS: And that was a joke in VERY bad taste, considering that you basically just admitted to causing your best and only friend's death.
NG55: Whaddya mean? Ah make morbid jokes 'bout mah life's tragedies all tha dang time!
Naruto: Accents can cut tension if they're funny, but this is not the time or the place, Sue!
“Oh, Nami!” Bella threw herself at her.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 3
WANGSTMUFFIN: 7
Mantra: (Bella) *Dramatically rips shirt open* Oh, Nami, take me!
Naruto: *Grin* Now that would be awesome!
She was crying. Naomi patted her back gently.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 8
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 4
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 1
Mantra: (Bella) No! I'm getting less and less screen time! I'm supposed to be the Queen of this universe! I'll have to throw a dramatic tantrum to get people to look at me!
Naruto: (Bella) And then pull back so that everyone will think I'm not trying to get attention!
“Um, Bella, it was a while ago. I’m fine now.” Her voice was steady and soothing, but the pain in her eyes was clearly visible.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 9
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 5
Mantra: (Naomi) No! I must put on an even more dramatic display of woe, so that the attention will firmly be on ME.
SOS: This is also known as The 2012 WANGST Battle of the Sues.
‘Liar.’ Simultaneously three voices echoed in her head.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 2
WANGSTMUFFIN: 10
Mantra: I agree. Her wangst is so wangsty that it's off the metre.
Naruto: So, a Sue's angsting can cause people's thoughts to work in unison? Wow.
‘Bella doesn’t need to know that.’ She snapped at Alice, Jasper, and Edward,
Mantra: ...Bella DOESN'T know that. That's why they THOUGHT that at you, instead of saying it out loud.
Naruto: And why not? Sure, she's Bella and all, but you're practically hiding how you feel from a friend who's concerned about you! Hey Sue, you're pulling a Sasuke, here! Except you're doing it wrong!
Mantra: Is there a way to do it right?
but only the youngest could hear her. She rolled her eyes.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 6
Mantra: (Sue) Oh, those silly vampires. Isn't it ridiculous how they can't read my mind? *Flips hair*
SOS: ...Dude, how did you get the impression that Edward is the youngest? He was changed about a decade before Alice, and even if you only count their supposed physical ages, Alice is still younger than him, I'm certain.
Unless you're suggesting Alice magically acquired mind-reading powers just now?
Naruto: Wouldn't be the first time something was tacked on for no reason!
‘She’s not a child.’ Thought Edward.
Mantra: (Edward) That's why I sat by and monitored everything my siblings said to her and laid down clear rules of who she's allowed to meet or not, because she's too immature to decide for herself. Yep, I totally believe that she's a capable adult.
Naruto: If she's an adult, then I'm Hokage!
‘Well, somehow, I just have this strong urge to protect her. She’s just that cute and vulnerable. So fragile.’ Nami noted, still hugging Bella.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 1
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 10 (Again, with the creepy parallels to Edward.)
Mantra: (Naomi) You know I like them fragile...they're just so very breakable...all it takes is one flick of my wrist...*Runs fingers through Bella's hair* and her brains would be splattered all over my wall. She's powerless. *Suddenly looks at Edward* You'd understand, wouldn't you? The exhilaration of murder - that one instant in an eternity where you feel like a god, and the rest of existence are but a hive of ants scrambling at your feet, and all it takes is one stray thought to wipe them from existence. So vulenrable. So fragile. So beautiful.
Naruto: ....*Cringes* Lady, you're creeping me out. Geez! *Turns back to fic* Frankly though, that's not up to you to decide! Oh, but of course it is, because you're the Sue and must be in control! Especially in your perceptions of people!
Mantra: *Smirks* I try. Because there's no other way to describe how WRONG that sentence was.
‘Have you looked at a mirror lately?’ Edward sounded annoyed.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 13 (Implying that the Sue was cute and fragile and made people want to protect her as well.)
SOS: Having a canon character call your Sue fragile ONE sentence after fragility is established as a virtue, by your own self-insert? Subtle...
Naruto: Yep! She saw Ariel Bloom in her reflection!
‘No. I told you I hate those things.’ Nami said.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 2
Mantra: Which totally explains how you manage to brush your teeth, do your hair, and apply make-up and/or sunscreen every morning. Totally.
Naruto: Hey, what's her hobby again? Really, because I seem to remember that it requires interaction with MIRRORS.
Edward rolled his eyes noticeably. Suddenly he turned to Carlisle.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 4
Mantra: (Edward) We're getting the fuck out of here and into a better canon. Like Twilight.
Naruto: (Edward) Do we even NEED to be here right now?
“What? You know this Ian guy?” He inquired. Nami’s attention snapped to the blond vampire.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 3
Mantra: Because she was totally ignoring the guests she invited to her house and being the scintillating hostess that she is. And only the lure of a hot vampire meat can draw her attention back from the Femmeslashy Goodness she is having with Bella.
Naruto: Oh NO....she isn't...
“Yes, we are old friends. I haven’t seen him in decades, but we’ve kept in touch.
Mantra: (Carlisle) Yep, I'm totally buddies with a mass-murderer and know all about his latest victims and haven't done a thing to stop him. What was that about an aura of kindness again?
Naruto: Oh COME ON!
Actually I’ve heard a lot about you Nami. I should have known when I first saw you. He never stopped talking to you. Sadly I have no news about his whereabouts.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 15
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 6
Mantra: (Carlisle) You have to understand, you almost killed him the first time you met him. He really doesn't want to put his life in any more danger for what amounts to nothing. Because, you know, you're nothing.
Naruto: GREAT. Now she has even more of a connection to some of the main and/or supporting characters! This isn't contrived at all!
I’m sorry, but I’m sure he misses you.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 16
Mantra: (Carlisle) Having realised exactly what sort of universe he lives in and how much wangst will be squeezed out of him, I think he's starting to wish he had been killed when he was with you in Volterra.
Naruto: Of course, anything to escape the Sue!
Naomi snorted.
“Sure, then why did he leave?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 11
Mantra: Because you tried to murder him with sheer, utter ignorance? Because he was distracting the Volturi from you in order to protect you? Because he really, REALLY wanted to go see Santa?
Naruto: Because you're the Sue! He had to escape somehow!
Men think too much. That’s their only fault.”
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: INFINITY+1
Mantra: ....*Slow clap* I'm not going to say anything.
Any comment I might make will only undermine the sheer idiocy of that sentence.
There is literally not a SINGLE word that is not stupid in those two sentences. So I'm not even going to try.
Naruto: Oh yes, because us guys think WAY too much! *Rolls eyes* Yes, why don't you throw in another sexist statement to further make a point?
When she said that, Edward’s mind filled with images of the time he left Bella.
Mantra: I fail to see how that statement connected to that incident. When you left Bella, you were thinking too little. Contrary to popular notion, procrastination and thinking are NOT the same.
Naruto: So Edward left because he was thinking too much?
Very nice, Sue. Could've sworn he left because he's stupid.
Nami’s eyes widened. ‘You left her, didn’t you?’ She thought.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4
SOS: *Torn* And now I want to add in a Captain Obvious count...
‘I did, so I know how it feels.’ He answered. That simple sentence was over the line.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 12
Mantra: Over what line? Dude, face it. You're not unique. You're not special. A lot of people have been through what you've been through, and a lot of people have been through things far worse than that.
Naruto: ....At least now they're actually mind reading each other instead of going off in private to talk in person!
Naomi released Bella gently and strode over to him. She gripped Edward’s collar and pulled him so he was at her eye level. Her emerald green eyes blazed with anger.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 7
WANGSTMUFFIN: 13
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 20
Mantra: And what are you going to do to an immortal, practically invincible, and super-strong creature with your bare hands? Glare at him disapprovingly? Face it. Not only are you not unique or special, you're also POWERLESS. You are fucking NOTHING. And after all the repetition of how petite and fragile you are, it's just laughable when you try to intimidate us with your petty 16-year-old girlish frame and utterly useless superpower.
Naruto: Lady, he's a VAMPIRE! That of which can break you in half like a twig so fast you wouldn't even know it happened! Because then you'd be DEAD!
‘Never. Not even for a second, delude yourself that you know how I feel!’
WANGSTMUFFIN: 14
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 21 (Her pain is SO unique, don’t you know.)
Mantra: (Sue) Not even when you're a mind-reader, who can just read what I was feeling. You don't understand my PAAAAAAAAAIN.
SOS: Well, trust me, I'll never delude myself that I understand you atrocious grammar and confusion of periods and commas.
Naruto: Seriously, Sue? Edward didn't even go through anything of the same type that you did. If anything, he should know how Ian feels, not you!
Her word were not said out loud, but if they had been, the icy tone would have frozen every surface.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 22
WANGSTMUFFIN: 15
Mantra: No, dear. She's just a powerless little human who doesn't even have the most powerful weapon of humanity - a soul.
Naruto: You know, Sue, standing up to someone stronger than you CAN be good. But the way you do it just reeks of arrogance.
‘Don’t think that you know how Bella felt either. Even if you saw it through others’ eyes, they cannot imagine the pain.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 16
Mantra: Except how he's seeing your pain through YOUR eyes. So, unless you want to imply that you don't understand your own pain (which I would buy)...
Naruto: Seriously? BELLA? What kind of pain was THAT?! Okay, losing someone you love or just really care about is NEVER easy, I do get that. I know it firsthand! But the way she handled it was insulting! So don't think you're any better here, Sue! Because you're not!
You said that you didn’t love her? How could you?’ She though that.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 23 (And now she’s the ultimate crusader for all scorned women?)
Mantra: What would you have him do - lie to her? Because that was the only time he told the truth in his life - he didn't love her. He never loved her. He just really, really wanted to murder her and feast upon her sweet, sweet blood.
Naruto: So you're faulting him on telling the truth? Geez! I know sometimes the truth can hurt, that honesty isn't always the best policy, but when it comes to love, especially as a teenager, I don't think lying is a good idea! So no Sue, Edward did the right thing in being honest and getting the hell out of her life! But Bella didn't let him. Oh no, she was all too willing to make sure he was back around her pinkie where he belonged.
For Bella’s sake, she didn’t want her recalling such memories. To others it would seem, that Edward and Naomi were heaving a very intense staring contest, but the anger and pain in Nami’s eyes were enough to tell what was going on between them.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 5
WANGSTMUFFIN: 18
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 24 (Awww, isn’t she SO selfless?)
Mantra: So, basically, not talking out loud amounted to nothing, because any idiot could tell what was going on? *Claps* Congratulations. Please, for the good of humanity, never get into acting.
Naruto: *Snicker* Wow, a staring contest against Edward Cullen? Now that I want to see!
Edward’s eyes were vulnerable, guilty, and ashamed.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 27 (Yeah, sure, she can yell some guilt into a remorseless mass-murderer in less than half a minute.)
Mantra: And Naomi got off on that
Naruto: (Edward) Damn, she's on to me! I knew I shouldn't act like my Darkest Hour counterpart...it gets the Sues angry.
Nami regretted her words, but she was still angry with him.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 6
Mantra: Because of a situation that had nothing to do with her and no bearing on her life, that she had only come to know a few seconds earlier, and didn't know all the details thereof, and only received a very biased recount? ...Okay, sure.
Naruto: Lady, you're not convincing me! Sure, any good friend would be angered at the guy for doing that to their friend, but this isn't making sense! They JUST met!
Suddenly a very large hand wrapped abound her small one still gripping the collar. Emmett dislodged her fingers from the shirt
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 8
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 28
Mantra: By breaking all of them, one by one.
Naruto: Oh great, now Emmett is touching her hand. That means they're in WUV!
and pulled her back against his body. She felt warm and soft. Her small and delicate figure fit perfectly against his chest.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 34
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 9
Mantra: (Emmett) Oops...Carlisle, I think I just squished her.
Naruto: Emmett, NO! Don't do it! You know what happens when you make that much physical contact with a Sue! She will OWN YOU for the rest of your life!
Mantra: Eh, too late. He was gone the first time he shook her hand
“Come on Nami. Let’s go outside for a while. Clear your head a little.”
Mantra: (Emmett) Oh, bitch, don't you dare invade my canon like that. Come on, let's take this outside.
Naruto: Yeah! Take her out and beat her down, Emmett! *Earns booing from feminists* Oh, she had it coming!
Mantra: Don't worry. It's not sexist if what you're beating isn't human.
Emmett was gentle as he pulled her through the screen door. Outside in the sea of flowers, Nami looked at the sky.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 7
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 36
SOS: Just how much of forest did you dig up to replace with a gigantic garden? And do you have any idea how ridiculous a perfectly arranged flower garden would look slam in the middle of a forest?
Naruto: He pulled her though the screen door?! Ha! Go, Emmett! ...What? He didn't? He was just bringing her outside? ....So, she didn't get pulled through it? ...*Groan* Oh, come on!
It was getting dark, the moon peering between the trees. Has it really been only a day since she met the Cullens?
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 10
Mantra: Yep, and you already told all of them everything single thing about your supposedly traumatic past. Really, I see why you'd NEED an agent if you're this loose with personal secrets.
Naruto: Wait a second! It's already dark? At this time of the year? Um, you guys just left school! It can't be dark already! You can't possibly have been at this for HOURS!
No, not even a day and already Edward hated her.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 19
Mantra: And whose fault was that? Seriously, are you HONESTLY trying to make us sympathise with you? When you violently assaulted someone for no reason?
Naruto: And why do you care? I thought you were trying to steal Emmett?
‘I don’t hate you Nami.’ He told her.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 37
Mantra: Of course not. Even the most misogynistic and misanthropic fictional character in recent literature will magically forgive her violent assault because MAGIC.
Naruto: MAGIC!!! *Flails arms about* I knew there was magic afoot! Why else would ANYTHING occur in this story?
‘I’m sorry, Edward, I didn’t mean it.’
‘But you were right, I should be the one apologizing.’ He sighed in his mind.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 20
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 39
SOS: And here we have the Fifth Battle of the Doormats.
Five gallons of brain bleach comes with every ticket sold.
Naruto: Why should he apologize?! If anyone should be apologizing, it's Meyer! But we all know that's not going to be happening any time soon.
‘Edward you seriously need to learn how to accept an apology. I swallowed my pride and admitted it, so be a man and accept it.’ Nami gave an annoyed tone to her thoughts.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 8
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 11
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 42
Mantra: (Sue) See how humble I am and how much I repented my violent assault? I thought I did a good job illustrating how far I've come by threatening and insulting you and being a gigantic bitch.
SOS: You don't demand acceptance for apologies, dear. You pray for it.
Naruto: That was just condescending and insincere. Very nice, Sue. Even though it's Edward you assaulted and we SHOULD be applauding you for it, it's still assault! For no good reason! Hate to say it, but Edward didn't even do anything to you to deserve it! And wow, you see making an apology as swallowing pride?
He chuckled.’
‘Fine then, you are forgiven, Naomi Delacour.’ His voice sounded faint. He was leaving and so were the others.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 43
Mantra: They were going off to a better-written canon. Like My Immortal.
Naruto: Or even Cupcakes!
NG55: ...How would that even WORK?
Naruto: O.O I have no idea. But they'd find a way...
‘Thank you.’ She answered and smiled at the sky. Suddenly she was aware of someone watching her. She looked around and spotted Emmett leaning against a nearby tree.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 12
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 44
Mantra: And now he's watching her from the bushes...literally.
Naruto: *Glances at a nearby bush, creeped out, until...* Who put a bush in here?
She smiled at him. “I thought you left.” She told him. He snorted.
“And leave you alone? I don’t think so.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 45
Mantra: (Emmett) I'm not leaving until I make sure you won't be warping the fabric of reality any further. Now...*Reaches into pants and pulls out spork*
Naruto: (Emmett) After all, you're just like Ariel. So rather than being your love interest, I have to be your babysitter.
Naomi laughed.
“I’m not suicidal, you know.” She told him matter-of-factly. He shook his head.
“That’s not what I meant, but now that you mention it, I wonder…” He smirked trailing off.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 13
Mantra: (Emmett) ...if I can arrange your murder to look like a suicide...that would be really convenient.
Naruto: And now they’re playing SUICIDE for laughs. That’s just great.
“Shut up, I’m not that messed up.” She smirked at the irony of her words.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 21
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 46
Mantra: (Sue) I just mess everything else up! Ah, that's so funny...
“I just thought that you might feel lonely of I left.” His words were serious but humor danced in his eyes.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 47 (Because Emmett would so oblige you when he has bears to wrestle.)
Mantra: (Humour) It's okay, guys. I took on the strip-dancing job voluntarily. I mean, with the Sue around, it's not like I'm going to escape un-screwed, so why not go out with style?
Naruto: *Snicker* At least your jokes are funnier than the story's attempts!
“Psh, whatever. I think you give yourself too much credit.” She waved him away mockingly.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 14
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 49
Mantra: *Dryly* What, are you going to flip your hair at him too?
Naruto: Take her up on her offer! Leave her there and see how she fares without a canon character to latch on to! Come on! Who knows? It might actually force her to grow and develop!
He put a hand to his heart.
“Oh, Nami. Your words hurt me so.” His dramatic acting, brought out a fit of giggles from Nami. “How distressing, my manly pride has been shattered.”
NICKNAME MISUSE: 9
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 50
Mantra: Oh, don't worry. Just go away from her and wrestle a few bears and you'll be fine.
Naruto: Normally I'd laugh along with him, but this just ruins it!! Emmett, seriously go wrestle a few bears, practice with your katanas, watch football, work on your car... And oh, for the record, if Bella beats you at arm wrestling, don't worry. I know you just let her win.
Nami walked towards him, still laughing. When she reached him, for a second she hesitated, before tightly hugging him around the waste.
“Thank you.” Her words were muffled against his
NICKNAME MISUSE: 10
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 15
Mantra: -poop?
Naruto: That's just gross! *Sees a carton of expired milk* Very funny!
NG55: Hee hee..
shirt. Emmett, holding his breath, returned her gesture, patting her back. The sweet fragrance coming off of her was overwhelming.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 52
Mantra: Even though he's holding his breath? Even though he was just in a closed house with her, pressed right against her on the same couch, and we never heard about any trouble?
Naruto: Not this again! Lady, don't you understand how breathing works?! What next, is Nami going to be unable to find her lips?
Her heart was beating rapidly against his chest. “Thank you for staying and making me feel better. Even though you made a complete fool of yourself.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 16
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 54
WANGSTMUFFIN: 22
Mantra: No dear, YOU made a complete fool of yourself. Emmett was going for melodramatic humour and more or less succeeded. You were the one who took it seriously, you idiot.
Naruto: Oh yes, Sue, YOU can do no wrong while everyone around you makes fools of themselves just for you.
They both laughed quietly. Emmett’s thought wondered off to Edward and Bella.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 17
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 55
Mantra: Because even they are more pleasant to think about than the Sue
Naruto: When THAT happens, you know there's problems afoot.
Naomi was human just like Bella.
Mantra: ...THAT is going to be the basis for your relationship? Naomi is worthy of your love because she's the same SPECIES as Bella?
....
Wow.
Naruto: By THAT logic....yeah, I don't even need to say it.
“Aren’t you cold?” He asked. Nami pulled back, her thin arms still around his waist.
“No. I never get cold.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 11
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 57
SOS: *Summons a tank of liquid nitrogen* Let's test out the theory, shall we?
Naruto: You can't be serious. You are a HUMAN BEING! Having exposed skin without fur or a lot of hair makes you more susceptible to feeling cold! Stop with that idiot crap about being impervious to the cold! If you like the cold, fine, more power to you! But that doesn't mean you have to be unrealistic about it!
I’m actually more comfortable like this. They stared at each other for a second, before Nami realized the double meaning of her words. A very soft blush covered her pale skin. She released him and stepped back, hiding her face.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 11
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 18
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 61
Mantra: ...I'm personally affronted at how stilted that innuendo is, and how the Suethor thinks she's being oh so risqué and daring. You know what, Sue? Blow me.
SOS: I'm personally affronted by the lack of a quotation mark at the end of direct dialogue, something I learnt to do in first grade.
Naruto: It's happening all the more now. Emmett's about to cheat on his wife.
NG55: Oh God, not again! *Groans* What is with Sues and taking married men?!
Emmett of course, being Emmett couldn’t help but tease her.
“I knew you couldn’t resist this body. It’s just too alluring.” He said making a pose. His muscles flexed under his shirt.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 62 (Yes, I’m going to add to this count every time Emmett pays far more attention to the Sue than she warrants. Yes, I know I’m abusing it. I don’t fucking care.)
Mantra: ...Suethor, listen to me. This is VERY important.
Gets your hands out of your pants, and off of the keyboard.
Now, carefully step away from the computer and find a dictionary - go visit a library if you have to
Sit down, and find the word 'shame'.
Get acquainted with it.
Naruto: Major Armstrong? What are you doing here?
Nami laughed. If they were going to play dramatics, Nami wanted in.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 13
Mantra: If she's going to start posing around 'sexily', I'm leaving. I don't even care, I'm leaving.
Naruto: Me too, that just would be too much. What next, she's going to swoon and make some off-handed comment about his hotness?
“Oh, dear God, if only I had known the man I was so deeply in love with was such a narcissist being, I wouldn’t have bothered to display my affection. I’m truly ashamed.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 20
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 63 (What, now Emmett isn’t good enough for her?)
Mantra: *Head desk* What dictionary did you look up, Suethor? Because that is just about as far from shame as possible.
SOS: ...NAOMI DELACOUR just called EMMETT CULLEN Narcissistic...
Wait one minute, and watch me perform a magic trick again
499
...I rest my case.
A lady such as this knows better then to fall in love with a common mortal.” The words were so inaccurate, both Nami and Emmett cracked up.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 14
Mantra: ...No, I don't think you read that correctly. Let me remedy that.
A LADY SUCH AS THIS KNOWS BETTER THEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A COMMON MORTAL
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+3
Mantra: THAT IS FUCKING IT. I'M LEAVING. GOOD FUCKING BYE. *Pops away*
Naruto: *Blink* ...Oh well! More ramen for me! *Eats some* ...Wait, what just happened? ................*Sigh* I think that line speaks for itself. Apparently every woman is an idiot for loving a human man. Wow. She took Meyer's anti-human values up to ELEVEN here.
Naomi’s stomach started aching from the strain of laughing so hard. “I haven’t laughed like this in a while.” She said wiping away a stray tear.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 23
SOS: ....You know, I was going to stick around and do this, but...no. Just no. *Pops away, too*
Naruto: Well, that's just great! Now they bailed on us!
NG55: Don't worry, they'll be back.
Naruto: How do you know that?
NG55: You can. Never. Leave. The Game.
Naruto: You're weird. O.O ....Anyway, wow. I can't believe she actually found that funny. No, it wasn't even a joke. She says the stupidest things out loud and it's supposed to be taken seriously, as well as for laughs.
“Laughing is an essential part of life. If you frown too much you get wrinkles.” Emmett joked.
Nagare: Interesting subversion of the romantic cliche there. After an outpour of her inner troubles by the main heroine, most readers will be expecting emotional bonding and further understanding, which still strengthen the relationship of the main couple. However, we are shown here that the romantic love interest still only sees the superficial and places the most value on the heroine's appearance, which, though original, is hardly appropriate if this is meant as a straight roma-
Wait.
How did I get here?
Naruto: Hey! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I think you were teleported here by the Sporking Chamber magic!
Nagare: ...*Cautiously* Hello. *Glances around* ...Well, I suppose there's nothing to do but partake in my purgatory, then
Naruto: It's not too bad...there's free ramen! *Eats some*
He ran his cold thumb over her delicate eyebrow as if to smooth it out. He traced down her pale cheek. Her hand involuntarily caught his and held it there. It felt nice against her warm skin. It only lasted a second before he slipped out of her grasp and gingerly pinched her pink lips, making her pout in an exaggerated way. Seeing her expression was enough to make him burst out laughing.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 22
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+4
Nagare: He is distorting her face, an act which must cause some level of discomfit, in order to laugh at her, and this is supposed to be a romantic milestone. Why do I get the feeling that the Suethor is single in real life?
Naruto: Hey Suethor, you're not conveying the romance right! You know why? Because Emmett's married! And why would Rosalie leave her husband alone with another girl like this, when she clearly could see the not-so-subtle way she had been eying him like a carnivorous lioness on a piece of dead antelope?
He roared so loudly in amusement that Nami was sure that the rest of the Cullens could him from their house.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 15
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 23
Nagare: I am reasonably certain that is a battle cry.
Naruto: Ooh, maybe he's rallying up the other zombies!
“Mth! Stpt! Umni! Ltmg!” Her words were unintelligible. This made Emmett howl even harder.
Nagare: (Emmett) It doesn't count as saying the safe-word if I can't understand you! *Keeps mutilating her face*
Naruto: If you can't phonetically interpret wording like that, don't do it!
(Translation: “Emmett! Stop it! You meanie! Let me go!”)
Nagare: Unless you are writing in a legitimate language, don't translate whatever idiocy you spew. If we can't understand, then all we know is that you MAY be an idiot. By translating that immature and irritating line, you've just confirmed your stupidity irretrievably
Naruto: Phonetic renditions of unintelligible sounds or words can be well done, but here, it's even MORE unintelligble.
Eventually he calmed down and patted Naomi’s head, letting go of her lips. He was still chuckling.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 24
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+5 (Emmett is officially deriving FAR too much entertainment from this.)
Nagare: Is he supposed to be a gigantic asshole because you are attracted to them, or are you really just that inept at figuring out what is and is not socially acceptable to do?
Naruto: I'm not even sure what's going on anymore. Emmett, get OUT of there! NOW! I beg of you!
Nami was now pouting on her own. She accusingly looked at him with childish eyes.
“You big meanie!” She pointed at him.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 16
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 25
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 68
Nagare: ...Did you mean to write in the paedophilic vibes because you REALLY want a visit from the authorities or are you just into infantilism? Or do you honestly not realise how creepy this is?
Naruto: Actually, all I can see is that she's acting like a third-grader who's yelling at a boy for teasing her on the playground.
“You should have seen your face!” This somehow hurt Nami.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 17
WANGSTMUFFIN: 24
Nagare: Ah, I see. You really do have no idea why being assaulted and then mocked would be upsetting to someone. Please, Suethor, never come within 50 miles of me.
Naruto: (Sue) How DARE he tease me and play around! He's supposed to LOVE me and treat me like I'm royalty!!
Was her face that funny looking.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 25
Nagare: I don’t know. Why don’t you figure that out yourself.
Naruto: No, there’s a difference between ‘funny’ and ‘ridiculous’. Guess which side you fall in?
“Hilarious.” She said dryly. Emmett realized his mistake, but though nothing of it, it had been only a joke.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 26
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+6
Nagare: On the one hand, touching a complete stranger like that without permission and laughing at them is hardly polite. On the other hand, indeed it was only a joke. You think of him as a friend, and you are both teenagers. I see no reason for you to get your panties into a knot over something so harmless.
Naruto: Jeez, get over yourself! It's just teasing you! I think we'd all know if it was truly insulting!
“Oh, Nami, come on. You know I didn’t mean it like that.
Nagare: If it he ‘thought nothing of it’, then that means he STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT. He’s moved onto something else, probably something that warranted more concern that a little playground prank. If he’s explaining or apologising for it, then he’s thinking about it by definition.
Naruto: (Emmett) Trust me, if I thought you were butt-ugly, I would have TOLD you. I'm not here to protect your delicate sensibilities. I'm basically a stand-in for the audience, so you might want to get used to it.
She was stalking towards the house. He suddenly grinned and in a second he was standing in front of her. She was so determined to get inside that she didn’t see him it time. Head first she walked into him.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27
Nagare: This is a commonly used cliché in romance, where the parties first meet through an often-hazardous accident, most commonly falling on top of or bumping into each other. It’s mostly used as a prelude for all the hijinks that will ensue and as quick way to make sure their relationship got off to a rocky start. It’s also a quick visual way of letting the audience know that this couple is of the Belligerent Sexual Tension type. The keyword being? ‘MEET’. The whole scene loses any meaning whatsoever if it didn’t happen the first time the two parties laid eyes on each other.
You just failed to execute the most basic of all romantic tropes, Suethor. Congratulations.
Naruto: Wouldn't it be like walking into a wall? A hard wall?
The impact made her lose balance and she started falling backwards. Emmett grabbed her and threw her over his massive shoulder. She shrieked.
Nagare: Given that vampires are said to be as hard as marble? He has likely just caused her massive internal trauma and probably broken a few of her bones. And that’s not to mention the clear breach in personal space and almost rape-ish undertones to this scene.
SOS: ...Oh great. Now you have Emmett acting like the stereotypical barbarian and rapist, just because he's muscular?
Naruto: Damn it, stop ruining Emmett's awesomeness! You just don't do that!
And started laughing. There was going to be a bruise on her stomach tomorrow, but she didn’t care.
Nagare: I would think there’d be a lot more damage than a bruise, if you factor in the centrifugal force as well. Likely, you need immediate medical attention right now. And you should NEVER have to bear with bruises in order to be with your love interest. EVER.
Naruto: Egh. *Holds his stomach* Even as a ninja that's just a VERY awesome image to feel sickened to.
This was fun. She had a friend, no, not just one but many.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 27
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+7 (Oh yeah, you’re practically one of the Cullen clan after just ONE day. I’m SO impressed.)
Nagare: You’ve only met them for one day. They are hardly friends. Friendship is based on mutual understanding and respect, much like love. And although you made a valiant attempt to create that by spilling your life story to them, the fact still remains that you barely know each other and, at one point in the day, were contemplating of killing each other. That’s not a very good basis for any relationship.
Naruto: It doesn't work that way, Suethor!
SOS: See you in the next part guys, where....guess what?
ANOTHER BANNER!
*Hysterical, high-pitched giggle*
Naruto: Oh boy. *Groans* Better equip enough ramen!
FINAL COUNT:
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27 (1.9% or every 53 words. Slightly below average, but still quite a sharp rise from last chapter. This count is directly proportional to how much prose this Suethor attempts to write, it seems.)
WANGSTMUFFIN: 27 (Same as the above…huh, there can’t be a correlation between the two, can there? I’m sad to say, but depending on how things go, I might get rid of this count next chapter, since we got the wangsty back story out of the way already.)
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: INFINITY+7 (THAT. IS. FUCKING. ALL.)
NICKNAME MISUSE: 17 (Out of 27 uses in this chapter. I guess I could say that it’s an improvement…but this still pisses me the hell off, so I’m not going to, especially considering how betas are exactly elusive or expensive.
Go Forward to: Chapter 10, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 2