One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 6 Part 1
Thankfully, things do pick back up again in this Chapter. I find that despite the Stuthor's apparent love of writing repetitive action scenes, the most sporkable parts of his story is actually the description. The idiotic prose with which he describes things never fails to make me giggle like a demented thirteen-year-old.
However, the downside is, the Stuthor has actively started imitating Stephenie Meyer in this Chapter. Let me repeat that. A STU fic has directly imitated one of the most irritating SUE fics I have ever read. Not a good sign.
My friend informed me that she has finished her Rebecca Sherwood sporking, and is just editing it, which means that I should be able to post it soon. I'm sorry about the lateness.
Meanwhile, enjoy~
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story and I do not claim any credit for it. One Piece is owned by Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made. This project is undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment. Nanai, Caroline and James belong to me.
Fandom: One Piece
Summary of Fic: What happens when a bunch of sociopathic little turds try to supplant the position of beloved canon characters from One Piece. Features mountains of stupidity, some infuriating, some hilarious. Mostly just makes you want to bash your own brains out, though.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, mild innuendos, long Capslocked rants, very mild subtext between two female characters, very mild incestuous subtext.
Sporkers: Nanai, Caroline, and James
Caroline stepped out of the shower, draping a towel over her hair.
It had been over a week since That happened.
Throughout the week, she tried every tactic she could think of to distract herself, put the utter horribleness and disgust behind her and simply move on. She re-organized her impressive book collection, made several journeys to the local library, and practically gorged herself on good literature. She spent even more time with Nanai, chatting about nothing in particular, simply enjoying the sweet smile on the girl’s face. She diligently checked all their mail herself, throwing away any and all unidentified envelopes.
She was determined that she would not be captured again, much less allow the same fate to fall on her sister.
The whole event was beyond strange, as James had pointed out. Nothing made sense…
If someone went to the trouble of kidnapping a prominent politician, you’d think they would want more than simply literary reviews…though the ‘sporking’, as they called it, was anything but simple.
Caroline shivered. She opened her wardrobe and scanned her clothes in disinterest. It’s was fairly hot today, so it might be prudent to wear something short sleeved…
What’s even stranger was that they had definitely spent close to an entire day in that dimension, thought it felt like more. And yet, when they came back, only a few minutes had passed. At first, she thought there was something wrong with the clock. Or even that they had been gone for just over twenty-four hours.
But it was true.
Only a few minutes had passed in reality, while they were stuck wherever they were stuck at…
She picked out her undergarments and a shirt, not really concentrating on her task.
The mystery occupied her mind for the entire week, with work being her only respite.
Nanai had been difficult, too. Though she seemed to be just as infuriated by that goddamned awful piece of writing, she seemed to genuinely enjoy the task of mocking them, and was much grieved to be deprived of that opportunity. She had also reacted…dramatically when Caroline threw away all inappropriate materials in the house and started monitoring her internet activities. But that can’t be helped. She couldn’t sit by and let her sister be corrupted by those vile piles of stupidity and illogic. Or James.
She scowled as she straightened her shirt, and pulled on a pair of jeans. Really, for such a sweet kid, Nanai can be a brat sometimes-
Her thoughts were cut short as a blinding flash of light flared before her eyes.
She had barely time to curse mentally before she found herself in the same dark cell as before.
She bit back the impressive string of curses that threatened to escape her. It seems that envelopes aren’t the only way their kidnappers can snatch them from the safety of their homes.
‘Oh! My! God! We’re back!’ A familiar voice chirped behind her.
Nanai.
She was here as well.
She sighed. It seems that they didn’t even have to be in the general vicinity of each other. As far as she knew, Nanai should be at school at the moment, 20 kilometres away from her house.
‘What…the…’ A figure stirred in the corner of the room. James.
He had only stumbled on the sporking the first time by accident, and yet he’s also getting roped into this again.
She turned to the screen with an irritated huff, and demanded, ‘What do you want this time?’
‘Well…’ The Voice began, ‘Two more chapters have been sporked in your absence, one of them by myself. It seemed reasonable to call you back again. You will deal with two more chapters of this before going on break again. I hope this arrangement is satisfactory.’
‘The only thing that would satisfy me is if you let us go back home and never disturb us again.’ She spat, glaring furiously at the plastic construct.
The Voice ignored her, and continued, ‘Please seat yourself, the fic will play shortly.’
Nanai gave a small whoop of joy and darted onto the couch, sitting at the very edge and leaning forwards in her excitement.
Caroline buried her face in her hands. Sometimes, she can’t believe they’re related…
Chapter 6: The War on Warship!
Caroline: *Sits down* And the Stuthor has been reduced to repeating himself within the same phrase. How fantastic.
James: *Sits down, rubbing his head* I hope there’s an actual freaking war in this chapter…a single battle is not a war.
"Yes! We are almost there!"
Caroline: Almost where?
Nanai: *Flips through briefing notes* Almost to Warship Island, I think, which is where the Shark King is supposed to be…
Caroline: And the Stuthor can’t clarify this because…?
Nanai: Remember, he expects us to have telepathic connections to him. If we can’t figure this out without going through ridiculous mental gymnastics, then we clearly just don’t get it.
James: Wait…they found this information out from his loyal minion, right? And they trust him? They don’t scout out the region beforehand, don’t watch out for any traps, don’t even question him further? They just take his word? …If there aren’t fifty traps laid in place for them when they get there, I’m going to be very upset.
Caroline: And the Shark King is a PIRATE, right? Pirates don’t tend to establish permanent strongholds. If anything, shouldn’t he have moved on to conquer other islands by now? Shouldn’t he be sailing somewhere? What, he’s just going to sit there and wait for the Stus because that’s what the author wants him to do?
Nanai: Yeah, pretty much.
Caroline: …And we’re only one sentence into the story? *Buries face in hands and groans*
David celebrated as he rocked the small rowboat they were in.
Nanai: Like a hurricane, I’m sure.
Caroline: …Small rowboat? They were in a SMALL ROWBOAT? They took a SMALL ROWBOAT to confront a fearsome pirate who dominated over a quarter of the world? What, they couldn’t afford any freaking SAILS? And the oceans in One Piece were freaking GIGANTIC! 90% of that world is water! How the fuck did they manage to freaking ROW anywhere? Were they delaying the confrontation on purpose? Were they trying to tire themselves out on purpose?
James: Or maybe they just don’ t have brains.
"I can't believe you made us do this!" Chase barked, "All three of us have mad super speed!"
Caroline: NO SHIT! So why haven’t you pointed out what’s freaking wrong with this plan? Why the bloody hell haven’t you objected until now?
Nanai: Wait…all THREE of them have mad super speed? Even David, who doesn’t have a devil fruit? Well, nice to know how valuable your only female main character is…
"Yeah, but what fun would that be? There'd be no adventure in just being as fast as lightning to get into an epci battle."
Caroline: Adventure. I…
James: *Stares* But this isn’t about adventure! Didn't you just say-
Caroline: No. I get to rant. You can’t unleash the amount of righteous fury that line there deserves. CAN’T YOU REMEMBER THE REASON YOU FREAKING SET OUT TO DESTROY THE SHARK KING? CAN’T YOU REMEMBER YOUR OWN MOTIVATIONS? YOU WERE DOING IT TO LIBERATE EAST BLUE! YOU WERE DOING IT BECAUSE HE’S AN EVIL BASTARD WHO’S OPPRESSING PEOPLE! *Sighs* Of course, we all know that’s bullshit, but just work with me here. Let’s assume that what the Stuthor has be TELLING us is true, and ignore what he’s been SHOWING us. That line there? That is concrete proof that the Stus were never in this for the benefit of the people. Before, it was all insinuations and deduction, that there is EVIDENCE. They COULD fly to Warship Island and dispose of the Shark King within a few seconds with their awesome powers. They COULD even get a sturdier ship with SAILS! But no. They’re taking their time, because they want an ADVENTURE. And every second they waste, another village gets pillaged. *Snarls* They’re letting people get killed because saving them outright is BORING. Because they want to have FUN. And you expect me to think of these guys as heroes?
Nanai: I'm just wondering how stupid you’d have to be to misspell a four letter word…Now, THAT is Epic Fail.
"Says you! I was the only one who rowed!"
Caroline: *Opens and closes mouth silently in rage*
Nanai: *Burst into giggles* Oh my god! You mean, they purposes got a teeny, tiny boat that had to be ROWED in order to reach an island god knows how far away, and they only let ONE person row it? And they made that person row ALL THE WAY? *Laughs*
James: This Stuthor has no idea how boat-rowing works, full stop.
Caroline: This Stuthor has no idea how LOGIC works!
"Well I'm getting patched up still." Avery said as Riru continued to tape up his wound from Chase
Caroline: Who? *Reads briefing notes* Oh, for the love of…these people are actively into SLAVERY now?
The Voice: That’s exactly what I said.
Nanai: TAPE up his wound? I…*Laughs hysterically* Firstly, he was STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! He’s absolutely fried! He should be a nice crisp on the ground right now! And yet he’s still somehow conscious? Secondly, TAPE up? You mean, she’s holding the wounds close with STICKY TAPE? Yeah, that will work. *Scoffs* And this woman claims to know first aid? He’d be better off if she just ignored him! And lastly, just how far away is the Warship Island? If she’s still bandaging him by the time they arrived there, it couldn’t have been more than an hour’s row away! Which means that the island should be VISIBLE on the open sea from where they set off! Which means, they were wandering around a town that’s literally right on their enemy’s doorstep, and they never thought to get any information through the villagers. In fact, the fact that the Shark King was so close makes their procrastination even WORSE!
James: No, none of that is the point! The stupidest thing is that he’s sailing WITH them! They are going to beat up the Shark King, and they take his former subordinate with them on the trip. The former subordinate who spent the entire last chapter trying to KILL them! They have no reason to trust him, and he’s certainly never shown any signs of repenting! In fact, he could be leading them into a trap for all they know! He could easily defect back at the last second! And they just trust him? Luffy got away with that because he actually proved to be a good judge of character! This guy was a FORMER ASSASSIN! He was a MURDERER! Why the heck are you trusting him?
Caroline: *Rubs forehead* God, we’ll never get through this…
when he got shot in the shoulder.
Nanai: Shot? The Stu has a gun now?
Caroline: Great. Another power up.
James: I think they mean he was struck by lightning in the shoulder…which begs the question, why is his arms even functional after that?
Nanai: Hey! He’s not rowing the boat is he? Maybe he is completely maimed, and Riru is wrapping his scorched, burnt arms in duct tape for kicks!
Caroline: …Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past her to do exactly that.
"Shut up!" Chase yelled angrily.
Caroline: I agree. All of you shut up!
"I will admit this was pretty fun." Riru said as he finished tapping up Avery
Nanai: *Confused* I thought Riru was a girl…
Caroline: Yes, it was FUN. The most value you can get out of saving someone’s life, out of being a doctor, is FUN. Look, I don’t mind if you’re just enjoying your job, but given your previous characterisation, it honestly sounds like you wouldn’t have bothered to help him if this weren’t FUN. That, and you honestly think shoving all the work to your crewmate is FUN? You like watching him suffer?
James: He did just kill her friends and enslave her…I’m sure I’d share her sentiments if I were in the same situation.
Nanai: *Tilts head to the side, still confused* And wasn’t she taping up his wounds a moment ago? Now she’s tapping him? How is tapping someone meant to help with injuries, anyways?
Caroline: Well, if she tapped the right place with a sledgehammer, we won’t have to read this travesty anymore.
then looked at Chase who was no crazy red.
Caroline: …What?
James: *Boggles*
Nanai: *Shrieks with laughter, pointing a shaking finger at the screen* I am SO going to go around saying that now! He was no crazy red! Oh, God!
Caroline: *Facepalm* All the years I spent making sure she only read quality literature…
"You guys...are all lucky I don't kill you you right now.."
Nanai: *Gasping with laughter* Oh god, I can’t BELIEVE this! This things as funny as I remembered it to be!
Caroline: And lo, we have yet another milestone in redundancy. *Sighs heavily*
James: That…honestly doesn’t work as light hearted banter after you’ve shown your protagonists to be fully capable of remorseless murder. Seriously…
Nanai: Come on, you guys! This thing is FUNNY! Isn’t that enough?
Caroline: *Pats Nanai’s hair* Well, at least someone’s entertained here…
"Oh yeah!" David yelled as he leaped at Chase.
James: O_O Wow, you can do that and row a boat at the same time?
Caroline: *Frowns* What are you talking about?
James: And how does that comment warrant this reaction? Does he get off on death threats or-
Caroline: No! *Clamps hand over James’ mouth*
Chase used the oar to smack David across the face sending him out of the boat.
Nanai: *Giggling insanely* And now they’re trying to kill each other! Hooray! I knew all Stus obeyed the ‘There can only be one!’ rule!
Caroline: *With hands still firmly clamped on James’ mouth* Oh yes, throw your friend into the ocean, won’t you? After all, isn’t that what friends are for?
"Hey!" David yelled.
Caroline: You friend just committed attempted murder on you. WILL YOU PLEASE HAVE A REACTION? *Shakes head* No wonder he’s such a sociopath, if that’s how much you condone the behaviour!
James: *Struggles away from Caroline, gasping for breath* And how the heck is he talking? He just got smacked in the face by a very heavy oar, so he’s probably disorientated, and he’s trying desperately to stay afloat! Even if he’s a good swimmer, it will be a few moments before he’s capable of TALKING!
"Hahaha! Later!" Chase waved off as he dissapeared from sight.
Nanai: *Recovers briefly* Aw~ One of the Stus left the fic…
Caroline: …He attacked his captain, and then threw him into the ocean. And then he ran away, leaving only the medic and an injured crew member on their pathetic little boat, which any storm will overturn. Wow, doesn’t this stick to the spirit of One Piece? I mean, I can totally imagine Oda Eichiro drawing a scene like that!
James: And notice that, even now, he makes no attempt to zap over to the Shark King and smite him? Even when he has the perfect opportunity to free a quarter of the world and save his best friend’s hometown, he forgoes it in favour of cheap slapstick humour? *Sighs* Our Heroes…
"He'll be back..." David said as he got up on the row boat.
"Will he?" Riru and Avery sweatdropped.
Nanai: *Scowls* That term wasn’t funny in the first place, repeating it doesn’t make it any better.
Caroline: God, these people are PIRATES! I doubt they respond to mutinies that well! Or desertions, for that matter, especially seeing as they’re on the doorstep of their enemy! For all your talk about how much the Stus trust each other, we’re never shown anything like that! In One Piece, Luffy and Zoro constantly tag-teamed and cooperated to bring down the enemy! They let each other perform certain duties and were confident that they will succeed! Here, every single fight was one-on-one, and we never see the Stus TALKING WITH EACH OTHER, much less cooperate! After he brutally attacked his own Captain and then fled, I don’t believe for a second he’s anywhere near loyal! So I’m going to sit here and imagine he ran straight to the Shark King and spilled the beans. *Crosses arms and huffs*
James: And what do you want to bet he never gets disciplined when he gets back? *Shakes head* What I wouldn’t give to watch him having his skin flogged off…
"I don't know..." David hung his head.
Caroline: Right. You can’t even trust your First Mate to return to you in your moment of need. STUTHOR, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING FOR THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE IF THAT’S HOW MUCH VALUE YOU PLACE ON FRIENDSHIP? YOU REALISE THE ENTIRE SERIES IS PRETTY MUCH ONE LONG LOVE LETTER TO THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, RIGHT?
Nanai: *With wide eyes* How on earth do you only hang your head? Wouldn’t you have to decapitate yourself for that?
James: Are you complaining? No? Then just let it go…God, how long is this thing?
"Well I'm back!" Chase announced as he appeared back in to boat.
Nanai: Meaning that entire scene was? ENTIRELY POINTLESS!
"Oh thank goodness! I was scared you wouldn't come back!" David cried commically.
Caroline: Of course, he wouldn’t be discipline…or even chastised. *Buries face in hands* Words cannot describe how STUPID this is.
Nanai: *Stares at screen* Huh…Character A is involved in an intimate relationship with Character B, they trust in each other’s abilities and take pride in each other, and aid each other towards their dream. Then, out of nowhere, Character A starts beating up Character B, and runs off to god-knows-where after the beating sessions to do god-knows-what. Character B feels suddenly uncertain about Character A’s affections and loyalties. Character B starts becoming more and more clingy and dependent, until Character B practically throws himself at Character A’s feet and cry whenever he comes back. Despite being a ‘strong’ character before, Character B now fears to confront Character A, and never points out how this is all wrong, in hopes of keeping Character A by his side…Does that remind you of anything?
James: *Facepalm* The stupid thing is…what you described is a genuinely interesting story.
"Shut up." Chase remarked.
Caroline: Power of Friendship, ladies and gentlemen.
Nanai: See? I was right! He IS behaving like the stereotypical abusive boyfriend! ‘Where I go is none of your business, just get yourself in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.’ All he needs to do is get stupidly drunk!
Caroline: *Drily* I doubt the story will be improved much if he did.
"So...I have a question for you two." Riru spoke quietly.
James: (Riru) How long have you two been married for?
Caroline: She spoke quietly, you see, because she’s a woman, and all women must be meek and demure and submissive and barefoot and pregnant! *Snarls*
"What?" They asked in unison
Caroline: Because they don’t have any distinctive personality…or any personality period.
as Chase's foot was ontop of David's head.
Nanai: Now THAT is taking abuse to a whole new level!
James: *Squints* Wait, how did he do that? They’re on a tiny ROW BOAT! There’s no space to fight! If they make any sudden movements, they capsize the boat! So unless David is willing let Chase step on his head…
Nanai: Well, plenty of people sit there and take the abuse because they don’t realise what’s happening, or think it’s normal…
James: *Facepalm* This is starting to make too much sense…
"How'd you two meet?"
Nanai: (David) *With an over-the-top, whiny, snivelling voice* Well, I saw him smoking at the back of the school, and beating up little kids, and I thought I could CHANGE HIM WITH MY LOVE!
Caroline: *Shudders* Gah! Don’t do that!
"Hmmmm...well you see I was lived with Old Man Yamato."
Nanai: (David) *With melodramatic sobs* He molested me since I was five…
Caroline: …I shouldn’t have taught you about abusive relationships.
James: *Buries face in hands* Why would you even teach her that? Didn't you say she’s too young to date?
Caroline: *Flustered* It never hurts to be prepared!
"Who?" Riru and Avery asked in unison.
Caroline: Because they, too, have no personalities.
James: He’s explaining his back story to complete strangers! And he just expects them to know these names? What, now the CHARACTERS expect people to have a telepathic connection to them? In fact, what’s even the bloody point of having all of these characters if you only need two! You don’t have to include every single character ever in a conversation! Just have one of them keep quiet!
"Old Man Yamato, or my grandpa.
Nanai: *Laughs* I was right! I was so totally right! His grandpa molested him! That’s one of the biggest clichés ever in abusive romances! *Laughs*
Caroline: *Folds hands in lap calmly* And yet another sign that the Stuthor cannot chose names at all. Yamato, depending on how the Kanji is written means a number of things, and none of them are appropriate for names. Most commonly, it is the name Japanese people give to themselves. Back during the feudal era, the Japanese people literally called themselves the Yamato Tribe. And whilst there are people called Francis in France, Japan has a serious obsession with humility and modesty, and having a name like Yamato would be their equivalent of declaring yourself a God. In short, it doesn’t work like that. Or it could be written another way, which would be a derogatory term for the Japanese, as thought up by their enemies. It would be like a black man naming himself Nigger. IT DOES NOT WORK EITHER! So that name there is all kinds of retarded…which is not that far off from the usually fare, really.
James: *Shivers* I know One Piece characters are not known for their formality, but his rudeness still irks me. Yes, I’m sure your grandfather appreciates you calling him that.
He says that he found me one day with no sign of who I belonged to.
Caroline: Ah, so he’s a bastard.
James: *Frowns* Again, I know it’s a valid expression, but the idea of talking about children as possessions and claiming ownership over them…that annoys me as well.
Nanai: *Boggles and bursts out laughing* He’s an ORPHAN too! God, will no cliché survive?
So he decided to keep me, and he trained me
James: O_O Nanai? Your theory is canon. That is it. You theory is canon now.
Nanai: *Snickers* I know! It makes too much sense, doesn’t it? Look, he’s still referring to himself as possession or pet! Clearly, he’s had that idea drummed into his head from an early age! No wonder he lets his boyfriend walk all over him!
James: I know! You know, Yamato really should have declared himself David’s FATHER, instead of Grandfather! So he apparently only went for the term because of the clichés associated with it.
to be a swordsman for my pirate journey.
Caroline: *Takes a deep breath* Let me get this straight. The only reason the protagonist was adopted was because his ‘grandfather’ wanted to live through him. Because his ‘grandfather’ failed at life, and wants to groom this kid into what he wanted to be. And it worked. The protagonist’s dreams, goal, ambitions, everything that defined a person and made that person INTERESTING in the One Piece universe, all of that came from his grandfather. None of it is his own. He’s just walking down the road he was told to walk down, never daring to veer from the path set down for him by his guardian. That…is really pathetic. It is. Especially considering he lives in the One Piece universe. That is so pathetic, I can’t even bring myself to hate him.
James: And I find it chilling that his parent WANTED him to become a pirate. It’s not a safe profession, you know, especially in One Piece. The person who’s meant to care for him, to love him, wants him to take on the most dangerous profession there is. There’s no regard for his safety, no thoughts about what he might want, no hesitation. In fact, he got sent out at the tender age of SEVENTEEN to brave the world. And his parent is entirely okay with this. In fact, he encouraged it! He was the one who chase him out of the house! *Shakes head* You’re right, it is pathetic.
Nanai: And there goes another cliché, too. The Stuthor’s pretty pumped for this chapter, huh?
My dream is to collect all three of Roranoro Zoro's swords, so I'll need to be an aweseom swordsman for that."
Nanai: *Bristles* Why? All you need is to be a swordsman! Why do you need to go after the canon character’s possessions? Those swords were his goddamned LOVE INTEREST! DON’T YOU DARE DEFILE THEM!
Caroline: This Stuthor claims to be a fan of the One Piece universe…and he cannot spell the name of a main character right. Is there a limit to his stupidity?
James: Don’t tempt fate. This thing can always get worse, no matter what you think…
"Then one day..." Chase intervened, "He caught me drowning and decided to come and help me.
Nanai: *Giggles* Oh, so he actually did catch Chase in trouble, and decide to save him with his love? *Laughs* Oh god, I LOVE this!
Caroline: Decided to come and help you? You mean, he actually stood there and made an active decision? There was actually a chance he might let you drown? …Why the heck are you friends with this guy?
James: Hey! They’re equally sociopathic, so they’re entirely compatible! It’s the poor shmucks that are enslaved by them that I’m worried about.
Caroline: And what is with the 'he caught you drowning'? Are you feeling guilty for DROWNING? Stop making life threatening situations sound the same as smoking a cigarette!
Nanai: Ah, the cliches~ *Closes eyes in bliss*
He pulled me out and I thanked him.
Caroline: …He pulled you out. You were ‘drowning’ so close to shore that someone can just reach in and pull you out…and you were incapable of saving yourself? *Slams head against table* GOD, WHY ARE THESE IDIOTS ALIVE?
Nanai: Wait…he’s a devil fruit user, right? So, no matter how close to land he may be, he’s still going to sink to the bottom of the ocean instantly! Unless he was drowning in water so shallow that someone can just reach in and pull him out, in which case he’s even stupider than I thought! I’m pretty sure some species of amoeba can figure out how to get themselves out of shallow water!
James: …I know it’s right to be grateful after your life is saved by someone, but the way he said that…it’s almost as if he should be genuinely awed that David found him worthy to be saved. As though he genuinely expected to be left there to drown…
Caroline: Given David’s characterisation, I must say I’m somewhat surprised too.
We then sat and talked about our dreams.
Nanai: *Tilts head* Do people generally talk about these sorts of things with complete strangers?
Caroline: Either way, they shouldn’t be able to do that! The guy was DROWNING a second ago! Why isn’t he being rushed to a doctor? This doesn’t sound like his life was in danger at all! It sounds like he tripped and David helped him up!
James: *Holds head* Oh, and this is a RESCUE Romance as well. God…
I want to find 'Straw Hat' Luffy's hat and wear it. Keep it as my own.
Nanai: *Jaw drops* HE WANTS TO WHAT?
Caroline: *Gestures wildly in outrage, far too angry to talk*
Nanai: HE WANTS TO WHAT? *Turns to Caroline* I need to rant on this. I NEED TO. And I have to use bad words for it.
Caroline: *Waves wearily* Go ahead. This thing deserves it.
Nanai: HE WANT TO FUCKING WHAT? STUTHOR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT HAT SYMBOLISED IN CANON? THAT HAT WAS THE REPRESENTATION OF LUFFY’S DREAM, OF LUFFY’S FATHER FIGURE, OF SHANK’S LOVE, OF A PROMISE, THAT HAT WAS THE MOST POWERFUL SYMBOLOGY OF DREAMS AND FRIENDSHIP IN THE ENTIRE SERIES! THAT HAT MADE LUFFY WHO HE WAS, THAT HAT INSPIRED LUFFY TO DO WHAT HE DID! THAT HAT IS WHAT SPARKED THIS WHOLE SAGA! AND YOUR STU WANTS TO WHAT? I DON’T CARE HOW IT SOUNDED IN YOUR MIND, BUT WHAT HE’S DOING HERE IS COLLECTING MEMORABILIA. HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO LUFFY, AND HAS NEVER MET THE MAN HIMSELF. WHAT HE WANTS TO DO HERE IS BASICALLY ROB LUFFY’S GRAVE, STEAL HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION, AND CLAIM IT AS HIS OWN SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. WHAT IS EVEN THE REASON THAT HE WANTS THE HAT FOR? SO HE CAN BRAG ABOUT IT? NO! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT THAT HAT WILL NEVER BE YOURS! IT’S LUFFY’S TREASURE, THE THING HE WAS WILLING TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR! IT WILL NEVER BELONG TO YOU! AND AFTER ALL YOU HAVE DONE, BEAT UP YOUR OWN FRIENDS, USE SLAVES AS CREW MEMBERS, SLAUGHTER INNOCENTS…AFTER ALL THAT, YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT YOU ON THE SAME LEVEL AS LUFFY? WELL, FUCK YOU! *Takes deep breath* If he actually accomplishes this dream, there will be BLOOD.
James: Not to mention, aren’t people who steal Luffy’s hat generally villains? *Sighs* Damn, if only these people were in the same era as Luffy and Zoro…I would love to see how the canon characters react when these…things prance in and announce their dreams. And that’s really not how dreams work in One Piece, by the way. Have you noticed something about the main characters’ dreams? They have SCALE! And all of those dreams benefit more than the main character! By becoming the Pirate King, the chaos of the golden age of piracy will subside, and the pirates will be more capable of standing up to the World Government as they become organised under a leader! By finding All Blues, the culinary world will flourish, and there will be more natural resources to go around! And do I even need to explain how finding a medicine that cures all diseases would help people? Your Stus’ dream, however, ONLY BENEFIT THEMSELVES! AND WE ARE NEVER EVEN GIVEN WHY THIS STU HAS THIS DREAM! THE CANON CHARACTERS WERE INFLUENCED OR INSPIRED BY LOVE ONES! THEIR DREAMS CONNECTED THEM TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE! THIS STU? NOTHING! WE ARE GIVEN NOTHING ON WHY HE EVEN WANTS TO ACCOMPLISH THIS! FOR ALL WE KNOW, HE JUST WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND DECIDED TO DEFILE THE MOST TREASURED MEMORIES OF THE MAIN CANON CHARACTER! THAT DOES NOT MAKE THE READERS WANT TO SUPPORT HIM, YOU KNOW! IT MAKES US WANT TO KILL HIM! GAH!
Caroline: He referred to Luffy as ‘Straw Hat’ Luffy. I just want to point this out because it implies that Luffy did not succeed in becoming Pirate King. That is all. Let’s move on.
Since I had no where to go David and Old Man Yamato let me stay with them."
Nanai: (Chase) They’ve always wanted threesomes!
Caroline: …Were this any other time, I would’ve yelled at you.
James: They grew up together. And yet their friendship is still not as strong as the main characters. Heck, some of the villains' crew display more loyal than these fuckers. I think that speaks for itself, really.
"Then when I told him that my dream he told me his
James: …That your dream what? That’s not a complete sentence! Gah! I can’t believe I still notice this!
Nanai: Weren’t they just telling each other their dreams a moment ago? After one of them nearly drowned? Why are they repeating it again?
Caroline: Because these people have an attention span that horrify goldfish, that’s why.
and we decided that we'll become pirates and go for our dreams." David explained.
Caroline: Why? Why can you only pursue your dreams if you were pirates? Luffy became a pirate because his dream was intrinsically linked to it! All you want to do is go grave robbing! So why the fuck do you need to take up piracy?
James: Not to mention, there’s more to piracy than hunting after treasured artefacts! Pirates PILLAGE! Pirates LOOT! Pirates actually commit acts of piracy! They are evil, evil bastards, and we see plenty of evidence for that in CANON! Luffy had a good image of pirates because he hung around Shanks! You have no excuse! *Shakes head* Stuthor, do you realise how creepy it is for two little children to sit around and decide that they want to live a life of bloodshed, whoring, and murder?
Nanai: Well, it’s not like they don’t enjoy that…
"Well how'd he end up being Captain?" Riru asked.
"Well he svaed my life, so I owe him.
Caroline: Right. So he didn’t become Captain because he was RESPONSIBLE, or VISIONARY, or even GOOD AT LOGISTICS. CAPTAINS WEREN’T THERE FOR DECORATION! A LOT OF THOUGHT GOES INTO WHO LEADS A CREW, BECAUSE CAPTAINS HAD DUTIES! THEY HAD TO PLAN OUT THE SHIP’S COURSE, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE AMPLE SUPPLIES, SETTLE ANY PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE ON BOARD…CAPTAINS HAD RESPONSIBILITIES! EVEN LUFFY HAD TO SHOULDER THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND START MAKING TOUGH DECISIONS, LIKE LEAVING ALABASTER WITHOUT VIVI, OR DISPOSING THEIR FIRST BOAT BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER FIT FOR SAIL! YOUR LITTLE STU, WHO YOU LIKE TO TOUT AS SO MUCH BETTER THAN CANON CHARACTERS, CAN’T EVEN PURCHASE OR STEAL THEMSELVES A SAIL BOAT! THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO TO TRUST! THEY WALTZ UP TO ENEMY STRONGHOLD WITH NO PLAN WHATSOEVER, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER! HE’S AN ABSOLUTELY SHIT CAPTAIN!
Nanai: You owed him, huh? That’s why you’re working under him for all your life…Wow, this Stuthor has a big fetish for slavery, doesn’t he? And that makes it seem even more likely that David had some seriously ulterior motives when he saved a little kid from drowning…Stuthor, I won’t even call your main characters sociopaths at this point. They’re a disgrace to sociopaths. They’re a disgrace to pirates.
James: *Scoffs* They’re a disgrace to HUMANITY.
He said that all I had to do was be his First Mate."
Caroline: Yes, run his ship for him, shoulder his responsibilities, praise his every move, perform all the physical labour…That’s a perfectly equal transaction. After all, he let you bask in his glorious presence.
Nanai: Doesn’t that make it sound like David is going to accomplish Chase’s dream FOR him, as long as Chase was a good little bitch? Huh…I wonder if my theory should be reversed…
Caroline: *Tightly* Don’t get carried away with the swearing there.
"Cool." Riru said in awe as her eyes sparkled.
James: Well, she certainly has low standards.
Nanai: Gah…’sparkled’. That word makes my hair stand on end.
Caroline: That’s why I didn’t let you read Twilight. *Glares at James* And I’m still very unhappy about that.
James: What did I ever do?
"Hey you guys were here.." Avery announced
Nanai: …They WERE here? They’ve actually been to the island before? Just when did the Shark King set up quarters here?
Caroline: And how the fuck would Avery know if they were there before or not? Can he freaking read minds now?
James: …Actually, I think that’s just bad writing. I think…
as their small ship arrived at Warship Island.
Caroline: …How? I don’t see any mention of anyone rowing! They were too busy sitting around having goddamned flashbacks! Are the gods of the sea on their side now as well?
Nanai: Given how ubiquitous teleportation is in this fic, I’m thinking a teleporting ship here myself…wait a minute. Weren’t they in a BOAT before? Stuthor, just because those two words are synonyms of each other, doesn’t mean they describe the same thing! They’re both four letter words learnt in primary school! Get a goddamned education!
Go Forward to: Chapter 6, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 5, Part 2
However, the downside is, the Stuthor has actively started imitating Stephenie Meyer in this Chapter. Let me repeat that. A STU fic has directly imitated one of the most irritating SUE fics I have ever read. Not a good sign.
My friend informed me that she has finished her Rebecca Sherwood sporking, and is just editing it, which means that I should be able to post it soon. I'm sorry about the lateness.
Meanwhile, enjoy~
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story and I do not claim any credit for it. One Piece is owned by Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made. This project is undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment. Nanai, Caroline and James belong to me.
Fandom: One Piece
Summary of Fic: What happens when a bunch of sociopathic little turds try to supplant the position of beloved canon characters from One Piece. Features mountains of stupidity, some infuriating, some hilarious. Mostly just makes you want to bash your own brains out, though.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, mild innuendos, long Capslocked rants, very mild subtext between two female characters, very mild incestuous subtext.
Sporkers: Nanai, Caroline, and James
Caroline stepped out of the shower, draping a towel over her hair.
It had been over a week since That happened.
Throughout the week, she tried every tactic she could think of to distract herself, put the utter horribleness and disgust behind her and simply move on. She re-organized her impressive book collection, made several journeys to the local library, and practically gorged herself on good literature. She spent even more time with Nanai, chatting about nothing in particular, simply enjoying the sweet smile on the girl’s face. She diligently checked all their mail herself, throwing away any and all unidentified envelopes.
She was determined that she would not be captured again, much less allow the same fate to fall on her sister.
The whole event was beyond strange, as James had pointed out. Nothing made sense…
If someone went to the trouble of kidnapping a prominent politician, you’d think they would want more than simply literary reviews…though the ‘sporking’, as they called it, was anything but simple.
Caroline shivered. She opened her wardrobe and scanned her clothes in disinterest. It’s was fairly hot today, so it might be prudent to wear something short sleeved…
What’s even stranger was that they had definitely spent close to an entire day in that dimension, thought it felt like more. And yet, when they came back, only a few minutes had passed. At first, she thought there was something wrong with the clock. Or even that they had been gone for just over twenty-four hours.
But it was true.
Only a few minutes had passed in reality, while they were stuck wherever they were stuck at…
She picked out her undergarments and a shirt, not really concentrating on her task.
The mystery occupied her mind for the entire week, with work being her only respite.
Nanai had been difficult, too. Though she seemed to be just as infuriated by that goddamned awful piece of writing, she seemed to genuinely enjoy the task of mocking them, and was much grieved to be deprived of that opportunity. She had also reacted…dramatically when Caroline threw away all inappropriate materials in the house and started monitoring her internet activities. But that can’t be helped. She couldn’t sit by and let her sister be corrupted by those vile piles of stupidity and illogic. Or James.
She scowled as she straightened her shirt, and pulled on a pair of jeans. Really, for such a sweet kid, Nanai can be a brat sometimes-
Her thoughts were cut short as a blinding flash of light flared before her eyes.
She had barely time to curse mentally before she found herself in the same dark cell as before.
She bit back the impressive string of curses that threatened to escape her. It seems that envelopes aren’t the only way their kidnappers can snatch them from the safety of their homes.
‘Oh! My! God! We’re back!’ A familiar voice chirped behind her.
Nanai.
She was here as well.
She sighed. It seems that they didn’t even have to be in the general vicinity of each other. As far as she knew, Nanai should be at school at the moment, 20 kilometres away from her house.
‘What…the…’ A figure stirred in the corner of the room. James.
He had only stumbled on the sporking the first time by accident, and yet he’s also getting roped into this again.
She turned to the screen with an irritated huff, and demanded, ‘What do you want this time?’
‘Well…’ The Voice began, ‘Two more chapters have been sporked in your absence, one of them by myself. It seemed reasonable to call you back again. You will deal with two more chapters of this before going on break again. I hope this arrangement is satisfactory.’
‘The only thing that would satisfy me is if you let us go back home and never disturb us again.’ She spat, glaring furiously at the plastic construct.
The Voice ignored her, and continued, ‘Please seat yourself, the fic will play shortly.’
Nanai gave a small whoop of joy and darted onto the couch, sitting at the very edge and leaning forwards in her excitement.
Caroline buried her face in her hands. Sometimes, she can’t believe they’re related…
Chapter 6: The War on Warship!
Caroline: *Sits down* And the Stuthor has been reduced to repeating himself within the same phrase. How fantastic.
James: *Sits down, rubbing his head* I hope there’s an actual freaking war in this chapter…a single battle is not a war.
"Yes! We are almost there!"
Caroline: Almost where?
Nanai: *Flips through briefing notes* Almost to Warship Island, I think, which is where the Shark King is supposed to be…
Caroline: And the Stuthor can’t clarify this because…?
Nanai: Remember, he expects us to have telepathic connections to him. If we can’t figure this out without going through ridiculous mental gymnastics, then we clearly just don’t get it.
James: Wait…they found this information out from his loyal minion, right? And they trust him? They don’t scout out the region beforehand, don’t watch out for any traps, don’t even question him further? They just take his word? …If there aren’t fifty traps laid in place for them when they get there, I’m going to be very upset.
Caroline: And the Shark King is a PIRATE, right? Pirates don’t tend to establish permanent strongholds. If anything, shouldn’t he have moved on to conquer other islands by now? Shouldn’t he be sailing somewhere? What, he’s just going to sit there and wait for the Stus because that’s what the author wants him to do?
Nanai: Yeah, pretty much.
Caroline: …And we’re only one sentence into the story? *Buries face in hands and groans*
David celebrated as he rocked the small rowboat they were in.
Nanai: Like a hurricane, I’m sure.
Caroline: …Small rowboat? They were in a SMALL ROWBOAT? They took a SMALL ROWBOAT to confront a fearsome pirate who dominated over a quarter of the world? What, they couldn’t afford any freaking SAILS? And the oceans in One Piece were freaking GIGANTIC! 90% of that world is water! How the fuck did they manage to freaking ROW anywhere? Were they delaying the confrontation on purpose? Were they trying to tire themselves out on purpose?
James: Or maybe they just don’ t have brains.
"I can't believe you made us do this!" Chase barked, "All three of us have mad super speed!"
Caroline: NO SHIT! So why haven’t you pointed out what’s freaking wrong with this plan? Why the bloody hell haven’t you objected until now?
Nanai: Wait…all THREE of them have mad super speed? Even David, who doesn’t have a devil fruit? Well, nice to know how valuable your only female main character is…
"Yeah, but what fun would that be? There'd be no adventure in just being as fast as lightning to get into an epci battle."
Caroline: Adventure. I…
James: *Stares* But this isn’t about adventure! Didn't you just say-
Caroline: No. I get to rant. You can’t unleash the amount of righteous fury that line there deserves. CAN’T YOU REMEMBER THE REASON YOU FREAKING SET OUT TO DESTROY THE SHARK KING? CAN’T YOU REMEMBER YOUR OWN MOTIVATIONS? YOU WERE DOING IT TO LIBERATE EAST BLUE! YOU WERE DOING IT BECAUSE HE’S AN EVIL BASTARD WHO’S OPPRESSING PEOPLE! *Sighs* Of course, we all know that’s bullshit, but just work with me here. Let’s assume that what the Stuthor has be TELLING us is true, and ignore what he’s been SHOWING us. That line there? That is concrete proof that the Stus were never in this for the benefit of the people. Before, it was all insinuations and deduction, that there is EVIDENCE. They COULD fly to Warship Island and dispose of the Shark King within a few seconds with their awesome powers. They COULD even get a sturdier ship with SAILS! But no. They’re taking their time, because they want an ADVENTURE. And every second they waste, another village gets pillaged. *Snarls* They’re letting people get killed because saving them outright is BORING. Because they want to have FUN. And you expect me to think of these guys as heroes?
Nanai: I'm just wondering how stupid you’d have to be to misspell a four letter word…Now, THAT is Epic Fail.
"Says you! I was the only one who rowed!"
Caroline: *Opens and closes mouth silently in rage*
Nanai: *Burst into giggles* Oh my god! You mean, they purposes got a teeny, tiny boat that had to be ROWED in order to reach an island god knows how far away, and they only let ONE person row it? And they made that person row ALL THE WAY? *Laughs*
James: This Stuthor has no idea how boat-rowing works, full stop.
Caroline: This Stuthor has no idea how LOGIC works!
"Well I'm getting patched up still." Avery said as Riru continued to tape up his wound from Chase
Caroline: Who? *Reads briefing notes* Oh, for the love of…these people are actively into SLAVERY now?
The Voice: That’s exactly what I said.
Nanai: TAPE up his wound? I…*Laughs hysterically* Firstly, he was STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! He’s absolutely fried! He should be a nice crisp on the ground right now! And yet he’s still somehow conscious? Secondly, TAPE up? You mean, she’s holding the wounds close with STICKY TAPE? Yeah, that will work. *Scoffs* And this woman claims to know first aid? He’d be better off if she just ignored him! And lastly, just how far away is the Warship Island? If she’s still bandaging him by the time they arrived there, it couldn’t have been more than an hour’s row away! Which means that the island should be VISIBLE on the open sea from where they set off! Which means, they were wandering around a town that’s literally right on their enemy’s doorstep, and they never thought to get any information through the villagers. In fact, the fact that the Shark King was so close makes their procrastination even WORSE!
James: No, none of that is the point! The stupidest thing is that he’s sailing WITH them! They are going to beat up the Shark King, and they take his former subordinate with them on the trip. The former subordinate who spent the entire last chapter trying to KILL them! They have no reason to trust him, and he’s certainly never shown any signs of repenting! In fact, he could be leading them into a trap for all they know! He could easily defect back at the last second! And they just trust him? Luffy got away with that because he actually proved to be a good judge of character! This guy was a FORMER ASSASSIN! He was a MURDERER! Why the heck are you trusting him?
Caroline: *Rubs forehead* God, we’ll never get through this…
when he got shot in the shoulder.
Nanai: Shot? The Stu has a gun now?
Caroline: Great. Another power up.
James: I think they mean he was struck by lightning in the shoulder…which begs the question, why is his arms even functional after that?
Nanai: Hey! He’s not rowing the boat is he? Maybe he is completely maimed, and Riru is wrapping his scorched, burnt arms in duct tape for kicks!
Caroline: …Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past her to do exactly that.
"Shut up!" Chase yelled angrily.
Caroline: I agree. All of you shut up!
"I will admit this was pretty fun." Riru said as he finished tapping up Avery
Nanai: *Confused* I thought Riru was a girl…
Caroline: Yes, it was FUN. The most value you can get out of saving someone’s life, out of being a doctor, is FUN. Look, I don’t mind if you’re just enjoying your job, but given your previous characterisation, it honestly sounds like you wouldn’t have bothered to help him if this weren’t FUN. That, and you honestly think shoving all the work to your crewmate is FUN? You like watching him suffer?
James: He did just kill her friends and enslave her…I’m sure I’d share her sentiments if I were in the same situation.
Nanai: *Tilts head to the side, still confused* And wasn’t she taping up his wounds a moment ago? Now she’s tapping him? How is tapping someone meant to help with injuries, anyways?
Caroline: Well, if she tapped the right place with a sledgehammer, we won’t have to read this travesty anymore.
then looked at Chase who was no crazy red.
Caroline: …What?
James: *Boggles*
Nanai: *Shrieks with laughter, pointing a shaking finger at the screen* I am SO going to go around saying that now! He was no crazy red! Oh, God!
Caroline: *Facepalm* All the years I spent making sure she only read quality literature…
"You guys...are all lucky I don't kill you you right now.."
Nanai: *Gasping with laughter* Oh god, I can’t BELIEVE this! This things as funny as I remembered it to be!
Caroline: And lo, we have yet another milestone in redundancy. *Sighs heavily*
James: That…honestly doesn’t work as light hearted banter after you’ve shown your protagonists to be fully capable of remorseless murder. Seriously…
Nanai: Come on, you guys! This thing is FUNNY! Isn’t that enough?
Caroline: *Pats Nanai’s hair* Well, at least someone’s entertained here…
"Oh yeah!" David yelled as he leaped at Chase.
James: O_O Wow, you can do that and row a boat at the same time?
Caroline: *Frowns* What are you talking about?
James: And how does that comment warrant this reaction? Does he get off on death threats or-
Caroline: No! *Clamps hand over James’ mouth*
Chase used the oar to smack David across the face sending him out of the boat.
Nanai: *Giggling insanely* And now they’re trying to kill each other! Hooray! I knew all Stus obeyed the ‘There can only be one!’ rule!
Caroline: *With hands still firmly clamped on James’ mouth* Oh yes, throw your friend into the ocean, won’t you? After all, isn’t that what friends are for?
"Hey!" David yelled.
Caroline: You friend just committed attempted murder on you. WILL YOU PLEASE HAVE A REACTION? *Shakes head* No wonder he’s such a sociopath, if that’s how much you condone the behaviour!
James: *Struggles away from Caroline, gasping for breath* And how the heck is he talking? He just got smacked in the face by a very heavy oar, so he’s probably disorientated, and he’s trying desperately to stay afloat! Even if he’s a good swimmer, it will be a few moments before he’s capable of TALKING!
"Hahaha! Later!" Chase waved off as he dissapeared from sight.
Nanai: *Recovers briefly* Aw~ One of the Stus left the fic…
Caroline: …He attacked his captain, and then threw him into the ocean. And then he ran away, leaving only the medic and an injured crew member on their pathetic little boat, which any storm will overturn. Wow, doesn’t this stick to the spirit of One Piece? I mean, I can totally imagine Oda Eichiro drawing a scene like that!
James: And notice that, even now, he makes no attempt to zap over to the Shark King and smite him? Even when he has the perfect opportunity to free a quarter of the world and save his best friend’s hometown, he forgoes it in favour of cheap slapstick humour? *Sighs* Our Heroes…
"He'll be back..." David said as he got up on the row boat.
"Will he?" Riru and Avery sweatdropped.
Nanai: *Scowls* That term wasn’t funny in the first place, repeating it doesn’t make it any better.
Caroline: God, these people are PIRATES! I doubt they respond to mutinies that well! Or desertions, for that matter, especially seeing as they’re on the doorstep of their enemy! For all your talk about how much the Stus trust each other, we’re never shown anything like that! In One Piece, Luffy and Zoro constantly tag-teamed and cooperated to bring down the enemy! They let each other perform certain duties and were confident that they will succeed! Here, every single fight was one-on-one, and we never see the Stus TALKING WITH EACH OTHER, much less cooperate! After he brutally attacked his own Captain and then fled, I don’t believe for a second he’s anywhere near loyal! So I’m going to sit here and imagine he ran straight to the Shark King and spilled the beans. *Crosses arms and huffs*
James: And what do you want to bet he never gets disciplined when he gets back? *Shakes head* What I wouldn’t give to watch him having his skin flogged off…
"I don't know..." David hung his head.
Caroline: Right. You can’t even trust your First Mate to return to you in your moment of need. STUTHOR, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING FOR THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE IF THAT’S HOW MUCH VALUE YOU PLACE ON FRIENDSHIP? YOU REALISE THE ENTIRE SERIES IS PRETTY MUCH ONE LONG LOVE LETTER TO THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, RIGHT?
Nanai: *With wide eyes* How on earth do you only hang your head? Wouldn’t you have to decapitate yourself for that?
James: Are you complaining? No? Then just let it go…God, how long is this thing?
"Well I'm back!" Chase announced as he appeared back in to boat.
Nanai: Meaning that entire scene was? ENTIRELY POINTLESS!
"Oh thank goodness! I was scared you wouldn't come back!" David cried commically.
Caroline: Of course, he wouldn’t be discipline…or even chastised. *Buries face in hands* Words cannot describe how STUPID this is.
Nanai: *Stares at screen* Huh…Character A is involved in an intimate relationship with Character B, they trust in each other’s abilities and take pride in each other, and aid each other towards their dream. Then, out of nowhere, Character A starts beating up Character B, and runs off to god-knows-where after the beating sessions to do god-knows-what. Character B feels suddenly uncertain about Character A’s affections and loyalties. Character B starts becoming more and more clingy and dependent, until Character B practically throws himself at Character A’s feet and cry whenever he comes back. Despite being a ‘strong’ character before, Character B now fears to confront Character A, and never points out how this is all wrong, in hopes of keeping Character A by his side…Does that remind you of anything?
James: *Facepalm* The stupid thing is…what you described is a genuinely interesting story.
"Shut up." Chase remarked.
Caroline: Power of Friendship, ladies and gentlemen.
Nanai: See? I was right! He IS behaving like the stereotypical abusive boyfriend! ‘Where I go is none of your business, just get yourself in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.’ All he needs to do is get stupidly drunk!
Caroline: *Drily* I doubt the story will be improved much if he did.
"So...I have a question for you two." Riru spoke quietly.
James: (Riru) How long have you two been married for?
Caroline: She spoke quietly, you see, because she’s a woman, and all women must be meek and demure and submissive and barefoot and pregnant! *Snarls*
"What?" They asked in unison
Caroline: Because they don’t have any distinctive personality…or any personality period.
as Chase's foot was ontop of David's head.
Nanai: Now THAT is taking abuse to a whole new level!
James: *Squints* Wait, how did he do that? They’re on a tiny ROW BOAT! There’s no space to fight! If they make any sudden movements, they capsize the boat! So unless David is willing let Chase step on his head…
Nanai: Well, plenty of people sit there and take the abuse because they don’t realise what’s happening, or think it’s normal…
James: *Facepalm* This is starting to make too much sense…
"How'd you two meet?"
Nanai: (David) *With an over-the-top, whiny, snivelling voice* Well, I saw him smoking at the back of the school, and beating up little kids, and I thought I could CHANGE HIM WITH MY LOVE!
Caroline: *Shudders* Gah! Don’t do that!
"Hmmmm...well you see I was lived with Old Man Yamato."
Nanai: (David) *With melodramatic sobs* He molested me since I was five…
Caroline: …I shouldn’t have taught you about abusive relationships.
James: *Buries face in hands* Why would you even teach her that? Didn't you say she’s too young to date?
Caroline: *Flustered* It never hurts to be prepared!
"Who?" Riru and Avery asked in unison.
Caroline: Because they, too, have no personalities.
James: He’s explaining his back story to complete strangers! And he just expects them to know these names? What, now the CHARACTERS expect people to have a telepathic connection to them? In fact, what’s even the bloody point of having all of these characters if you only need two! You don’t have to include every single character ever in a conversation! Just have one of them keep quiet!
"Old Man Yamato, or my grandpa.
Nanai: *Laughs* I was right! I was so totally right! His grandpa molested him! That’s one of the biggest clichés ever in abusive romances! *Laughs*
Caroline: *Folds hands in lap calmly* And yet another sign that the Stuthor cannot chose names at all. Yamato, depending on how the Kanji is written means a number of things, and none of them are appropriate for names. Most commonly, it is the name Japanese people give to themselves. Back during the feudal era, the Japanese people literally called themselves the Yamato Tribe. And whilst there are people called Francis in France, Japan has a serious obsession with humility and modesty, and having a name like Yamato would be their equivalent of declaring yourself a God. In short, it doesn’t work like that. Or it could be written another way, which would be a derogatory term for the Japanese, as thought up by their enemies. It would be like a black man naming himself Nigger. IT DOES NOT WORK EITHER! So that name there is all kinds of retarded…which is not that far off from the usually fare, really.
James: *Shivers* I know One Piece characters are not known for their formality, but his rudeness still irks me. Yes, I’m sure your grandfather appreciates you calling him that.
He says that he found me one day with no sign of who I belonged to.
Caroline: Ah, so he’s a bastard.
James: *Frowns* Again, I know it’s a valid expression, but the idea of talking about children as possessions and claiming ownership over them…that annoys me as well.
Nanai: *Boggles and bursts out laughing* He’s an ORPHAN too! God, will no cliché survive?
So he decided to keep me, and he trained me
James: O_O Nanai? Your theory is canon. That is it. You theory is canon now.
Nanai: *Snickers* I know! It makes too much sense, doesn’t it? Look, he’s still referring to himself as possession or pet! Clearly, he’s had that idea drummed into his head from an early age! No wonder he lets his boyfriend walk all over him!
James: I know! You know, Yamato really should have declared himself David’s FATHER, instead of Grandfather! So he apparently only went for the term because of the clichés associated with it.
to be a swordsman for my pirate journey.
Caroline: *Takes a deep breath* Let me get this straight. The only reason the protagonist was adopted was because his ‘grandfather’ wanted to live through him. Because his ‘grandfather’ failed at life, and wants to groom this kid into what he wanted to be. And it worked. The protagonist’s dreams, goal, ambitions, everything that defined a person and made that person INTERESTING in the One Piece universe, all of that came from his grandfather. None of it is his own. He’s just walking down the road he was told to walk down, never daring to veer from the path set down for him by his guardian. That…is really pathetic. It is. Especially considering he lives in the One Piece universe. That is so pathetic, I can’t even bring myself to hate him.
James: And I find it chilling that his parent WANTED him to become a pirate. It’s not a safe profession, you know, especially in One Piece. The person who’s meant to care for him, to love him, wants him to take on the most dangerous profession there is. There’s no regard for his safety, no thoughts about what he might want, no hesitation. In fact, he got sent out at the tender age of SEVENTEEN to brave the world. And his parent is entirely okay with this. In fact, he encouraged it! He was the one who chase him out of the house! *Shakes head* You’re right, it is pathetic.
Nanai: And there goes another cliché, too. The Stuthor’s pretty pumped for this chapter, huh?
My dream is to collect all three of Roranoro Zoro's swords, so I'll need to be an aweseom swordsman for that."
Nanai: *Bristles* Why? All you need is to be a swordsman! Why do you need to go after the canon character’s possessions? Those swords were his goddamned LOVE INTEREST! DON’T YOU DARE DEFILE THEM!
Caroline: This Stuthor claims to be a fan of the One Piece universe…and he cannot spell the name of a main character right. Is there a limit to his stupidity?
James: Don’t tempt fate. This thing can always get worse, no matter what you think…
"Then one day..." Chase intervened, "He caught me drowning and decided to come and help me.
Nanai: *Giggles* Oh, so he actually did catch Chase in trouble, and decide to save him with his love? *Laughs* Oh god, I LOVE this!
Caroline: Decided to come and help you? You mean, he actually stood there and made an active decision? There was actually a chance he might let you drown? …Why the heck are you friends with this guy?
James: Hey! They’re equally sociopathic, so they’re entirely compatible! It’s the poor shmucks that are enslaved by them that I’m worried about.
Caroline: And what is with the 'he caught you drowning'? Are you feeling guilty for DROWNING? Stop making life threatening situations sound the same as smoking a cigarette!
Nanai: Ah, the cliches~ *Closes eyes in bliss*
He pulled me out and I thanked him.
Caroline: …He pulled you out. You were ‘drowning’ so close to shore that someone can just reach in and pull you out…and you were incapable of saving yourself? *Slams head against table* GOD, WHY ARE THESE IDIOTS ALIVE?
Nanai: Wait…he’s a devil fruit user, right? So, no matter how close to land he may be, he’s still going to sink to the bottom of the ocean instantly! Unless he was drowning in water so shallow that someone can just reach in and pull him out, in which case he’s even stupider than I thought! I’m pretty sure some species of amoeba can figure out how to get themselves out of shallow water!
James: …I know it’s right to be grateful after your life is saved by someone, but the way he said that…it’s almost as if he should be genuinely awed that David found him worthy to be saved. As though he genuinely expected to be left there to drown…
Caroline: Given David’s characterisation, I must say I’m somewhat surprised too.
We then sat and talked about our dreams.
Nanai: *Tilts head* Do people generally talk about these sorts of things with complete strangers?
Caroline: Either way, they shouldn’t be able to do that! The guy was DROWNING a second ago! Why isn’t he being rushed to a doctor? This doesn’t sound like his life was in danger at all! It sounds like he tripped and David helped him up!
James: *Holds head* Oh, and this is a RESCUE Romance as well. God…
I want to find 'Straw Hat' Luffy's hat and wear it. Keep it as my own.
Nanai: *Jaw drops* HE WANTS TO WHAT?
Caroline: *Gestures wildly in outrage, far too angry to talk*
Nanai: HE WANTS TO WHAT? *Turns to Caroline* I need to rant on this. I NEED TO. And I have to use bad words for it.
Caroline: *Waves wearily* Go ahead. This thing deserves it.
Nanai: HE WANT TO FUCKING WHAT? STUTHOR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT HAT SYMBOLISED IN CANON? THAT HAT WAS THE REPRESENTATION OF LUFFY’S DREAM, OF LUFFY’S FATHER FIGURE, OF SHANK’S LOVE, OF A PROMISE, THAT HAT WAS THE MOST POWERFUL SYMBOLOGY OF DREAMS AND FRIENDSHIP IN THE ENTIRE SERIES! THAT HAT MADE LUFFY WHO HE WAS, THAT HAT INSPIRED LUFFY TO DO WHAT HE DID! THAT HAT IS WHAT SPARKED THIS WHOLE SAGA! AND YOUR STU WANTS TO WHAT? I DON’T CARE HOW IT SOUNDED IN YOUR MIND, BUT WHAT HE’S DOING HERE IS COLLECTING MEMORABILIA. HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO LUFFY, AND HAS NEVER MET THE MAN HIMSELF. WHAT HE WANTS TO DO HERE IS BASICALLY ROB LUFFY’S GRAVE, STEAL HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION, AND CLAIM IT AS HIS OWN SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. WHAT IS EVEN THE REASON THAT HE WANTS THE HAT FOR? SO HE CAN BRAG ABOUT IT? NO! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT THAT HAT WILL NEVER BE YOURS! IT’S LUFFY’S TREASURE, THE THING HE WAS WILLING TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR! IT WILL NEVER BELONG TO YOU! AND AFTER ALL YOU HAVE DONE, BEAT UP YOUR OWN FRIENDS, USE SLAVES AS CREW MEMBERS, SLAUGHTER INNOCENTS…AFTER ALL THAT, YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT YOU ON THE SAME LEVEL AS LUFFY? WELL, FUCK YOU! *Takes deep breath* If he actually accomplishes this dream, there will be BLOOD.
James: Not to mention, aren’t people who steal Luffy’s hat generally villains? *Sighs* Damn, if only these people were in the same era as Luffy and Zoro…I would love to see how the canon characters react when these…things prance in and announce their dreams. And that’s really not how dreams work in One Piece, by the way. Have you noticed something about the main characters’ dreams? They have SCALE! And all of those dreams benefit more than the main character! By becoming the Pirate King, the chaos of the golden age of piracy will subside, and the pirates will be more capable of standing up to the World Government as they become organised under a leader! By finding All Blues, the culinary world will flourish, and there will be more natural resources to go around! And do I even need to explain how finding a medicine that cures all diseases would help people? Your Stus’ dream, however, ONLY BENEFIT THEMSELVES! AND WE ARE NEVER EVEN GIVEN WHY THIS STU HAS THIS DREAM! THE CANON CHARACTERS WERE INFLUENCED OR INSPIRED BY LOVE ONES! THEIR DREAMS CONNECTED THEM TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE! THIS STU? NOTHING! WE ARE GIVEN NOTHING ON WHY HE EVEN WANTS TO ACCOMPLISH THIS! FOR ALL WE KNOW, HE JUST WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND DECIDED TO DEFILE THE MOST TREASURED MEMORIES OF THE MAIN CANON CHARACTER! THAT DOES NOT MAKE THE READERS WANT TO SUPPORT HIM, YOU KNOW! IT MAKES US WANT TO KILL HIM! GAH!
Caroline: He referred to Luffy as ‘Straw Hat’ Luffy. I just want to point this out because it implies that Luffy did not succeed in becoming Pirate King. That is all. Let’s move on.
Since I had no where to go David and Old Man Yamato let me stay with them."
Nanai: (Chase) They’ve always wanted threesomes!
Caroline: …Were this any other time, I would’ve yelled at you.
James: They grew up together. And yet their friendship is still not as strong as the main characters. Heck, some of the villains' crew display more loyal than these fuckers. I think that speaks for itself, really.
"Then when I told him that my dream he told me his
James: …That your dream what? That’s not a complete sentence! Gah! I can’t believe I still notice this!
Nanai: Weren’t they just telling each other their dreams a moment ago? After one of them nearly drowned? Why are they repeating it again?
Caroline: Because these people have an attention span that horrify goldfish, that’s why.
and we decided that we'll become pirates and go for our dreams." David explained.
Caroline: Why? Why can you only pursue your dreams if you were pirates? Luffy became a pirate because his dream was intrinsically linked to it! All you want to do is go grave robbing! So why the fuck do you need to take up piracy?
James: Not to mention, there’s more to piracy than hunting after treasured artefacts! Pirates PILLAGE! Pirates LOOT! Pirates actually commit acts of piracy! They are evil, evil bastards, and we see plenty of evidence for that in CANON! Luffy had a good image of pirates because he hung around Shanks! You have no excuse! *Shakes head* Stuthor, do you realise how creepy it is for two little children to sit around and decide that they want to live a life of bloodshed, whoring, and murder?
Nanai: Well, it’s not like they don’t enjoy that…
"Well how'd he end up being Captain?" Riru asked.
"Well he svaed my life, so I owe him.
Caroline: Right. So he didn’t become Captain because he was RESPONSIBLE, or VISIONARY, or even GOOD AT LOGISTICS. CAPTAINS WEREN’T THERE FOR DECORATION! A LOT OF THOUGHT GOES INTO WHO LEADS A CREW, BECAUSE CAPTAINS HAD DUTIES! THEY HAD TO PLAN OUT THE SHIP’S COURSE, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE AMPLE SUPPLIES, SETTLE ANY PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE ON BOARD…CAPTAINS HAD RESPONSIBILITIES! EVEN LUFFY HAD TO SHOULDER THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND START MAKING TOUGH DECISIONS, LIKE LEAVING ALABASTER WITHOUT VIVI, OR DISPOSING THEIR FIRST BOAT BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER FIT FOR SAIL! YOUR LITTLE STU, WHO YOU LIKE TO TOUT AS SO MUCH BETTER THAN CANON CHARACTERS, CAN’T EVEN PURCHASE OR STEAL THEMSELVES A SAIL BOAT! THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO TO TRUST! THEY WALTZ UP TO ENEMY STRONGHOLD WITH NO PLAN WHATSOEVER, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER! HE’S AN ABSOLUTELY SHIT CAPTAIN!
Nanai: You owed him, huh? That’s why you’re working under him for all your life…Wow, this Stuthor has a big fetish for slavery, doesn’t he? And that makes it seem even more likely that David had some seriously ulterior motives when he saved a little kid from drowning…Stuthor, I won’t even call your main characters sociopaths at this point. They’re a disgrace to sociopaths. They’re a disgrace to pirates.
James: *Scoffs* They’re a disgrace to HUMANITY.
He said that all I had to do was be his First Mate."
Caroline: Yes, run his ship for him, shoulder his responsibilities, praise his every move, perform all the physical labour…That’s a perfectly equal transaction. After all, he let you bask in his glorious presence.
Nanai: Doesn’t that make it sound like David is going to accomplish Chase’s dream FOR him, as long as Chase was a good little bitch? Huh…I wonder if my theory should be reversed…
Caroline: *Tightly* Don’t get carried away with the swearing there.
"Cool." Riru said in awe as her eyes sparkled.
James: Well, she certainly has low standards.
Nanai: Gah…’sparkled’. That word makes my hair stand on end.
Caroline: That’s why I didn’t let you read Twilight. *Glares at James* And I’m still very unhappy about that.
James: What did I ever do?
"Hey you guys were here.." Avery announced
Nanai: …They WERE here? They’ve actually been to the island before? Just when did the Shark King set up quarters here?
Caroline: And how the fuck would Avery know if they were there before or not? Can he freaking read minds now?
James: …Actually, I think that’s just bad writing. I think…
as their small ship arrived at Warship Island.
Caroline: …How? I don’t see any mention of anyone rowing! They were too busy sitting around having goddamned flashbacks! Are the gods of the sea on their side now as well?
Nanai: Given how ubiquitous teleportation is in this fic, I’m thinking a teleporting ship here myself…wait a minute. Weren’t they in a BOAT before? Stuthor, just because those two words are synonyms of each other, doesn’t mean they describe the same thing! They’re both four letter words learnt in primary school! Get a goddamned education!
Go Forward to: Chapter 6, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 5, Part 2