One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 6 Part 2
For some reason, LJ cut isn't working for me at present. I have no idea why.
I'll try to fix it as soon as I can, but nothing I can think of works. I am very sorry.
Disclaimers and Warnings from the previous part apply.
Enjoy...
Edit: Problem fixed
"Well they're here Captain." Tora informed as he kneeled in front of the Shark King.
James: O_O What on earth are they doing? There’s a time and place, goddamn it!
Caroline: *Hissing* James! If you don’t shut up right now, god help me, I’ll smash your face in!
"Good, send everyone after them.
Nanai: (Shark King) And call the PPC. We don’t want to risk anything.
Since Avery betrayed us then I think we should send him a little gift. Don't you agree Tora?"
Caroline: Wait…how does the Shark King know about the betrayal? If anything, shouldn’t he be assuming that Avery was killed, or taken hostage?
Nanai: The Stuthor expects all of his readers to have telepathic connections to him, so it makes sense that he believes the ability to be commonplace.
James: …I’m not going to comment on the ‘gift’. No.
"Yes sir, I'll also be more than happy to take on the First Mate again."
Nanai: …The first time I read that sentence, I didn’t notice the ‘on’.
Caroline: *Facepalm* Yes. Go after the man who pwned an entire legion singlehandedly and wiped the floor with your ass. Clearly, after one day, you’re so much stronger, and can certainly handle him. YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE PIRATE CREW WITH YOU! GANG UP ON THE LITTLE BASTARDS! YOU’RE BLOODY PIRATES! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BOTHERED ABOUT SPORTSMANSHIP! I’m so angry, I’m not even going to comment on Nanai’s comment! Gah!
Tora turned his hand into a fist out of anger from his previous loss.
Nanai: …His hand…turned into a fist? No, he turned his hand into a fist? So, is his hand a Transformer, or a magical girl?
James: *Drily* Thank you for informing us that he was angry that he lost. I mean, your writing is so subtle and all, I doubt I would’ve been able to figure that out without you holding my hand every step of the way.
"Do what you wish. As long as we get rid of them."
Caroline: Yes. That’s the perfect order to give to a PIRATE CREW. Do whatever the fucking hell you like.
Nanai: They’re Stus. Clearly, he’s desperate. The little buggers latch onto canon like leeches, after all.
"Yes sir." Tora then stood and turned around,
James: Having finished paying lip service…
Caroline: *Throws bottle of water at James’ head* THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE, GODDAMIT!
"Raise the flag!" He called, and soon an army of Seamen began to pull up a large black flag that had a picture of a shark with a crown on it's head.
Nanai: Wait…they weren’t flying their flag before? Why the hell not? What kind of pirates are they? What, are they ashamed of their flag?
James: *Gawks* It’s a flag with a SHARK wearing CROWN! That’s not a bloody pirate flag! That belongs in DISNEYLAND! No wonder they don’t want to fly the goddamned flag! I’d be ashamed of something THAT tacky as well!
"Royal Sea Pirates! Go to war!" Tora yelled
Caroline: Yes. Way to improve the enemy’s morale. IT’S FOUR BLOODY PEOPLE, MOST OF WHOM ARE INJURIED FROM PREVIOUS FIGHTS! THEY’RE IN A PATHETIC LITTLE ROWBOAT! THIS IS NOT FUCKING WAR! THIS IS PEST CONTROL!
and raised his fist in the air and soon every Fishman on Warship Island cheered and ran towards the shore of the Island.
Nanai: (Fishmen) Wheeeeeeeee~ Skinny dipping~
Caroline: *Rubs forehead tiredly* Again, was this supposed to be suspenseful? Are we supposed to be excited? Because I’m not. I’m just tired, and angry. Incredibly angry.
James: God, it reads like he has a goddamned remote control in his hands, doesn’t it? I swear, this Stuthor has a thing for slavery.
"That's alot of people.." David sighed.
Nanai: *Solemnly* That’s a lot of fish.
Caroline: God…WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID HE EXPECT? He's going up against a former Shichibukai! He’s going up against a man with a quarter of the world under his control! And he’s surprised that man has lots of underling? He’s surprised to meet resistance? Just because the Stuthor favours you, doesn’t mean you can freaking rely on it!
James: But he can, though. Because this goddamned Stuthor is more predicable than Meyer.
Nanai: But he’s funnier as well, so all is good.
"Yeah, should I take'em all out?" Chase asked.
Caroline: No. You should invite them to a picnic and try to teach them how to sew! You’re in a goddamned battle, you idiot! They’re trying to take your boss down! WHAT THE FREAKING HELL DO YOU THINK?
Nanai: He doesn’t. That’s the point.
James: *Scoffs* As if you would obey if he told you not too. You’ve been jerking off to this chance of unrestrained slaughter since you met Tora.
Caroline: *With hands clamed around Nanai’s ears* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nanai: *Struggles* Caroline! It’s fine! Let’s just move on!
"We can't just rush in you idiots!" Avery advised.
James: Yes. Advised. What a passionate, urgent action.
Caroline: You don’t have to freaking rush in! The enemy’s already swarming towards you! You stand your ground and try not to get killed! It’s not that hard!
Nanai: …Wait…I don’t think the Fishmen are running at them yet…I mean, they’re just standing around and talking, after all. But…*Frowns* When is this? What’s happening? What on earth are we reading?
James: Mind-blowing-ly bad writing.
"Why not..." David pouted.
Caroline: OH, ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING REASON. OF COURSE, YOU SHOULD JUST RUN IN WITHOUT ANY PLANS OR PREPARATION! NO THING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG, AFTER ALL!
Nanai: If only he actually pranced in like that…*Sighs* It would’ve been magnificent…
James: Watching him slaughter fishmen left and right? What, it’s not like the Stuthor would allowed him to be defeated!
"That whole island is filled with Fishman ready to kill, it's basically like a Marine Base for Fishman." Avery pointed out.
Nanai: …That’s not how the World Government works. No.
Caroline: You’re right. It’s not, for one very important reason. What is the main function of marines in One Piece? TO FIGHT FUCKING PIRATES! The Shark King is a pirate himself! He’s not out there patrolling the seas, ensuring the safety of villages, taking down rogue pirates! He’s a fucking Arlong clone, not a Sengoku clone! And the marines tried to take targets alive whenever possible for public executions! Most soldiers weren’t ready to kill on sight!
James: That, and the marines were much more organised! No marine captain ever gave the order of ‘go do whatever the hell you like’! And no marine captain ever allowed their faction to swarm down an empty, flat beach without any concealments like a ragtag bunch of misfits! They attacked in formation! They had ranks! And the marines never use assassins! They’re a metaphor for the real world army! No pirate crew can ever operate like an army! Get your facts right, you idiot!
"Really? That means there's going to be someone strong there right?" David asked with hopes up high.
Caroline: HE WAS A FUCKING FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! HE RULES OVER A QUARTER OF THE WORLD WITH AN IRON FIST! WHAT THE GODDAMNED FUCK DO YOU FUCKING THINK?
"Just the Shichibukai the Shark King."
"Then I'll take him on."
Nanai: Oh, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure he has every intention of taking you as well.
"Idiot, it's not as easy as it sounds." Avery spoke a little annoyed.
James: Yes. For example, that freaking huge horde of fishmen running down the beach to you? Yeah, you have to take care of those guys first before you can sit around and chat! Seriously, why even show us that scene if we’re just going to switch back to dry, bland dialogue from our protagonists?
Caroline: At least it’s not another chapter that’s nothing but a drawn out, badly written action scene.
Nanai: I’m confused. He’s with these guys because he follows the strongest, right? So, if he wasn’t sure that they would be able to take down the Shark King, why would he join them in the first place? In fact, why is he investing so much in them? Wouldn’t it be in his best interests to let those idiots waltz in, so he could test their strength and all?
James: *Drily* You’re putting far more thought into this than the Stuthor. You really shouldn’t do that, you know, you’ll only hurt yourself.
"Why not?"
"Because he's a Shichibukai with a bounty of two hundred ninety million belli's."
Caroline: Yes, he should be cautious because his opponent is a strong pirate who has had a very successful career, gain enough infamous repute that the government would rather betray their ideals and ally with him than oppose him, took over a quarter of the world, and commands a massive crew. All of those are fantastic reason. His bounty, though, is NOT. Bounties are not assigned according to the strength of the pirate. They’re assigned according to how much threat the individual presents to the government. They gave an eight year old little girl a bounty of 80 million! Bounties mean nothing! Gah!
"Okay...I'm a pirate with no belli's." David smiled, "So what?"
Nanai: Stuthor, I know you probably admired how the canon characters challenged the Big Bads with complete disregard as to their apparent difference in strength. I admired them for that too. However, it really doesn’t work here. The canon characters were fighting for a righteous cause, they were fighting for their friends, and they didn’t give off an air of constant, pompous, smug arrogance as your Stus do! That there is not badass! That is condescending! That just makes me want to see the Shark King kick this idiot's butt!
James: And there’s the bad writing again, too. You’re a pirate with no BOUNTY. As in, if someone captured you, they wouldn’t be paid by the government! What you said is that your main characters essentially have no MONEY! Though that may be true, I doubt that’s what you intended. Also, again, I have to point out, how is it that these people have no bounty? Right at the start of the story, we see them frying marine soldiers with no remorse. I refuse to believe that’s how the Stu reacted to his first murder, so they must have done it pretty often. So why the heck do they have no bounty? What, the marine base ran out of printer ink?
"Whatever..."
Caroline: Right. Your crewmate and closest friend is about to run headlong into a secure enemy stronghold despite being disadvantaged in almost every way, and you give up persuading him otherwise after four lines of dialogue. Nice to see how much these people treasure their friends, huh?
Nanai: Hey, maybe Avery is fighting off the Stuthor’s spell! He seems pretty eager to get these guys killed! Maybe that’s why he refused to row? He was hoping to strand them all out in the ocean, where they can die of exposure! And basically sacrificing himself to do so! Wow…now THAT’S a genuinely heroic character.
"Avery there's no chance in arguing, just let him be." Chase advised
Nanai: (Chase) He’s the Head Stu, he’s got God on his side, there’s no point in arguing.
Caroline: Yes. Just let him be. Even though, in this case, the wrong decision will lead to his DEATH! …Wait…Yes! Let him be! Don’t anyone DARE dissuade him!
as he placed his hand on Avery's shoulders.
James: The shoulders that were just struck by lightning, need I remind you?
Nanai: I was thinking along the lines of Bad Touch myself…
"Fine.." Avery hung his head.
Nanai: *Sniffles* Aw, he realised he failed in his mission and took his own life. He was such a nice character, willing to sacrifice himself to kill the Stus…*Bows head in moment of silence*
"Let's go!" David smiled as he stood with his foot on the head of the boat.
Caroline: …He even needs to condescend and defile a BOAT. Wow, that is a level of villainy hitherto unforseen…
Nanai: …Wait…where the hell are they? They arrived at the island TWO scenes before! And yet they’re still on the boat? Why aren’t they getting off?
James: Well, you see, none of them have the necessary equipment.
Caroline: …*Darkly* James, I’m WARNING you.
"So what's the plan?" Riru asked.
James: *Boggles* They’re asking this NOW? They’ve already arrived at the enemy stronghold, and they’re only planning NOW? So, they couldn’t be bothered to pay any thought to this through the entire rowing trip? They literally showed up with NO planning? Even the Straw Hat pirates had basic tactics!
Caroline: *Sneers* As if any of them can think…
"Well you see...I have no idea." David sighed and hung his head.
Caroline: *Twitches* STOP USING THAT PHRASE! There are more than one way of describing something! Repeating the same thing over and over again is not good in any kind of writing!
James: I…*Shakes head* Even LUFFY knew enough to devise tactics before a battle! You…WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? YOU’RE FIGHTING A FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! AND YOU HAVE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER? THAT IS NOT ENDEARING! THAT IS STUPID! IT’S UTTERLY STUPID! No…Even STUPID doesn’t describe the level of incompetence this is! Single-celled organisms are capable of higher intelligence than this!
Nanai: Not to mention, by rushing into battle without any plans, he’s putting his crewmates and friends in danger. It’s not just about himself, he is perfectly willing to put his friends' lives in jeopardy for some excitement. And this fanfiction is based on ONE PIECE. Do I even need to point out what’s wrong with this?
"Huh...Riru how about to stay by the boat once we reach shore and fight off all those Fishman."
"By myself?" Riru asked a little scared.
James: O_O
The Voice: Ahem. Since I’ve been doing feminist rants for the past two chapters, I figure I might do this as well. Let’s go through this bit by bit:
Nanai: She can be a great character, can’t she? A little girl who plays up the Wounded Gazelle Gambit to con people out of their possessions, sailing through the One Piece world, one-upping various pirates…Pity she gets reduced to the meek little Damsel in Distress here…
Caroline: Yes, notice that she was actually COMPETENT as a villain. But apparently, she must become a sweet, subordinate, obedient little slave in order to redeem herself. What a fantastic message you’re sending out there.
James: *Quietly* This Stuthor scares me…
"No, Avery will be with you.
Caroline: THEY’RE SPLITTING OFF EVEN MORE OF THEIR FORCES? WHY THE FUCK IS AVERY EVEN NEEDED WITH RIRU? WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT THE BOAT SERVES NO PURPOSE! AND RIRU HAS CLEARLY SHOWN THAT SHE CAN DEFEND HERSELF ONE CHAPTER AGO! EVEN IF YOU NEED TO PROTECT HER, THE BEST WAY OF DOING SO WILL BE ATTACKING THE FISHMEN RUTHLESSLY! YOU’VE GOT THE OCEAN TO YOUR BACK! THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DEFEND YOUSELF IS BY PRESSING ON WITH YOUR ATTACKS! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN RETREAT OR BUILD FORTRESSES! YOU’RE GOING UP AGAINST A HUGE ARMY! YOU NEED EVERY MAN YOU CAN GET! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JUST LETTING HALF YOUR FORCES SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING?
Nanai: Oh, but she CAN’T defend herself! As soon as she got enslaved by the Stus, she’s immediately emasculated, and all of her former fighting prowess has to go, or she wouldn’t be attractive otherwise! And of course a Big Strong Man has to stay behind, lest she gets the vapours!
Two Devil Fruit users should be good against them."
Caroline: ONE! ONE DEVIL FRUIT USER! DAVID DOESN’T HAVE A DEVIL FRUIT! STOP RAPING YOUR OWN CANON, GODDAMIT!
James: Two. Yes, two people should be perfectly able to slaughter an entire army of fishmen. Of course. Again, THIS IS NOT CONFIDENCE! THIS IS HUBRIS! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, STUTHOR!
"Yeah, let's hope so." Avery said as they got onto shore.
Caroline: HOW ABOUT YOUR STOP HOPING, AND ACTUALLY GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT? YOU HAVE FOUR PEOPLE! USE FOUR PEOPLE! IF YOU GET KILLED ,THAT BOAT ISN’T GOING TO DO YOU ANY GOOD! FIGHT, GODDAMIT, FIGHT!
Nanai: *Drily* And the fishmen politely stand aside and let them get on shore. No attempts are shooting them, no traps set beforehand. Nope. The entire beach is left clear, so the Stus can get off the boat at their convenience. *Spits* The Normandy landing this is not.
James: If that’s the intelligence of their enemies, I can almost buy two people defeating them…
"What about you two?" Avery asked.
Caroline: OH, THEY’RE JUST GOING TO PRANCE ON SHORE AND HAVE A PICNIC! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO DO?
Nanai: *Pats Caroline* You alright there? Calm down a little, this thing isn’t worth it.
"We're going on ahead." Chase explained,
Caroline: *Screams, tearing her hair out*
Nanai: *Flatly* I dare you to top that amount of stupidity. I DARE you.
"Ready David?"
James: And I bet the fishmen would nicely wait for them if he wasn’t ready, too.
Nanai: And how is that different from what they’re already doing?
Caroline: *Shrieks with rage*
Chase looked to see David gone with all the Fishman looking at a kid who just ran onto the island cluelessly.
James: This worst thing is, we know he won’t die.
Caroline: *Buries head in knees and sobs*
All they could hear him say was:
"HERE I COME SHARK KING!"
Caroline: *Muffled* THAT DOES NOT NEED A NEW PARAGRAPH!
James: *Weakly* This is so stupid, I don’t know what so say anymore…seriously, no amount of words will do this justice.
"David you idiot!" Chase yelled
Caroline: YES! THANK YOU!
Nanai: You know he doesn’t mean it. We’re meant to see this whole thing as ENDEARING. We’re meant to be comparing these idiots to the likes of LUFFY and ZORO, who are genuinely confident and intuitive people. We’re meant to see the Stus as BETTER than them. And that’s the saddest part of this fic. This Stuthor’s attempts are creating likeable characters are so pathetic, I don’t know whether to pity him or hate him.
James: Hate him. He’s past the point of sympathy a long time ago.
as the Fishman filled the gap and looked at the three,
Nanai: What gap?
James: Do you care?
Nanai: *Thinks for a moment* Nope.
Caroline: Three? THREE? Oh great, Riru isn’t even a PERSON anymore? *Buries head in hands* Is this over? I honestly can’t take anymore of this…
"Huh...Shockwave Fist!" Chase lunged at one of the fishman and released a blast of electricity through them clearing a path for him to follow David.
James: So…let me get this straight. David runs head along into an army of fishmen, and they close ranks behind him, effectively circling him…does anyone see a problem with this? DAVID IS NOT ALONE! HE HAS THREE FRIENDS ON THE OUTSIDE! WHAT THE FISHMEN ARE DOING IS EFFECTIVELY TURNING THEIR BACK TO THE ENEMY! WHY DO THEY NEED TO DEVOTE ALL THEIR FORCES TO ONE KID? WHY AREN’T SOME FACTIONS ATTACKING CHASE, AVERY, AND RIRU? DO THEY HONESTLY JUST STAND AROUND AND WHISTLE UNTIL THE PROTAGONISTS MAKE THE FIRST MOVE?
Nanai: Remember what I said before? There’s no way these idiots will ever win any fights unless the Stuthor gives their enemies collective lobotomies. *Spits* God, this is infuriating…
Caroline: Oh yes, go ahead and use your powers on them. It’s not like you claimed you never use your powers against normal people THREE chapters ago. Nope. You only follow that rule when you feel like it. Because morals are for STUPID people.
"Huh...I'm going to regret losing." Avery said as he stepped onto shore.
James: Regret what?
Caroline: I think he’s saying that he’s going to regret losing to Chase, thus getting himself enslaved by those two idiots. Which doesn’t make sense, considering he didn’t make an active choice to lose. He was forced into it, so I don’t see why he has to regret anything.
Nanai: Or he’s the only character with some sense, and can see that they’re pretty much doomed to death.
"Let's do this." Riru said as she drew both her blades.
James: As much as I appreciate you actually letting her fight…didn’t her Captain just order her to stay with the boat? Or did you forget your own canon again?
"Right."
Caroline: Oh god, THERE’S ANOTHER SECTION? How long IS this goddamned thing?
Nanai: *Hugs Caroline* We’re nearly there, don’t worry…it’ll all be fine…
"David!" Chase yelled as he tried to find his Captain.
Nanai: (Chase) *Weeping melodramatically* David! No! Don’t leave me behind! I can’t live without you!
He cupped his hand
James: Around David’s as-
Caroline: *Tackles James* I’m not so far out of it that I can’t beat the shit out of you! Stop that NOW!
over his mouth looking for him,
James: …how is cupping you hands around your mouth going to help you find someone? Should you be LOOKING AROUND? WITH YOUR EYES?
Nanai: Eh, they’re clearly devil spawns. I won’t be surprised if they have some sort of voodoo magic.
but instead he found someone else.
James: Wow. It actually worked.
Nanai: What were you expecting? That they would fail?
Caroline: That sentence makes sound as though ‘someone else’ is an object…I’m seriously picturing the Stu lifting pebbles and peeking into crevices in his search here.
Nanai: Great! See how much funny mental images help with the pain?
"Hey there." A voice said as a Fishman stood in front of Chase.
Nanai: The fishman didn’t say that though, the voice did.
Caroline: What the fucking hell is up with these antagonists and ruining the element of surprise? These people want to slaughter the entire crew! JUST ATTACK THEM, DAMMIT!
Nanai: Lobotomies, remember?
James: Not to mention, what kind of greeting is that? Are you honestly trying to make your villains threatening here? This sounds like he’s trying to chat the Stu up!
Nanai: …Ew…
"Tora..." Chase sighed.
James: …I now sincerely regret my comment.
Caroline:*Menacingly* Now, if you hadn’t said it in the first place…
"Ready for our rematch?"
James: …interesting terminology…
Caroline: *Darkly* What did I just say?
James: Uh…I mean, what is he going to do if the Stu isn’t ready?
Nanai: Why, what the villains always do! Stand around and wait, of course! Because god forbid anyone try to INCONVENIENCE the Stu!
"Yeah, don't dissapoint me this time."
James: (Tora) I swear, this has never happened to me before!
Nanai: (Chase) *Gently* It’s alright, dear, it happens to everyone.
Caroline: *Drags Nanai over by her side and hugs her* No! Don’t follow his example!
"Trust me, I won't."
James: Ah, the wonders of Viagra…
Caroline: O_o
James: *Hastily* Not speaking from personal experience! I swear!
Nanai: …right, moving on.
"Shark King?" David called as he walked up white marble steps.
James: What?
Caroline: WHAT? YOU MEAN, THAT WAS IT? THE ENTIRE BEACH SCENE IS JUST SKIPPED? WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS A ONE PIECE FANFICTION, AND YOU COMPLETELY SKIP THE ACTION? IF I WANTED THAT, I WOULD’VE WENT AND READ TWILIGHT! YOU SPENT THREE QUARTERS OF THIS CHAPTER SETTING UP A HUGE BATTLE ON THE BEACH, AND YOU JUST SKIP IT? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU DON’T LIKE WRITING ACTION SCENES, CONSIDERING WE HAD TWO CHAPTERS IN A ROW THAT’S NOTHING BUT EXTENDED ACTION SCENES! AND WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BOTHER WITH ALL THE SET UP IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO BLOODY SKIP IT? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT? ALL OF THAT DRIVEL WE SAT THROUGH, ALL OF IT WAS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS? A;OEFJIAPWEJIOGHAIGPWEHOAIEHSOG! *Spazzes*
Nanai: White marble steps. *Giggles* Right, a PIRATE would bother with paving the steps to his house with white marble. If he were a REAL pirate, he would have sold the stuff for whores. *Shakes head* The Twilight parallels are becoming more and more blatant, huh?
James: And this is a STU fic too, not a SUE fic.
Nanai: Stupidity knows no gender.
Once he reached the top he saw a marble white platform
Nanai: Seriously, what is up with the white marble fixation? Is the Shark King a Twihard?
James: That makes it a difficult situation, doesn't it? Do we cheer on the stupid, stupid Stus, or the stupid, stupid Twihard?
Nanai: I’m hoping for Mutually Assured Destruction here…
like bridge over a one hundred by one hundred square foot like abyss filled with water.
Nanai: *Confused* How can a platform be like a bridge?
James: Apparently, the Stu can now judge distances perfectly at a glance. Hooray.
"Who are you?"
"My name is David S. Payne! Are you the Shark King?"
James: Wait, there was someone there? Why didn't you fucking describe them, then? This is meant to be the Big Bad! And you spend more time describing the marble steps than him? How the fuck are we even meant to visualise the scene if we don’t even know if the antagonist is there or not? PRIORITIES, STUTHOR, GET THEM STRAIGHT!
Nanai: Caroline? You’ve been awfully quiet…
Caroline: *Twitches* Don’t talk to me. I’m trying to ignore the fic…
"Yes. I am the Shark King Tiburon Hodachi."
Nanai: *Bursts out in giggles* Tiburon? TIBURON? Seriously?
James: *Dully* Oh wow. How climatic. I’m just on the edge of my seat here. Look at him. Isn’t he threatening? Aren’t you excited? *Suddenly swells in rage* WELL I’M NOT, BECAUSE THE WRITING IS ABSOLUTELY SHIT! *Spits*
From the shadows of the large white moslieum and from his crimson velvet throne a large blue shark skinned Fishman stepped out.
Nanai: *Boggles, and bursts out laughing again* How can he step from two places at once? Is his power space warping? A Time Lord Fishman? And he’s shark-skinned? As in his skin is made out of sharks? That’s AWESOME, man! Not to mention, he totally went and made himself a THRONE! He’s a bloody pirate who sails around all year, pillaging strange islands, and he went to the trouble of making himself a THRONE? *Laughs* Oh god, this is HILARIOUS!
James: He had to announce himself and challenge the little bugger to a proper duel. Because the Stuthor threatened to call him a mean poopie head if he didn’t let the Stu win.
He had spikey blue hair,
Nanai: Kamina? What are you doing here?
yellow piercing eyes,
Nanai: Not like Arlong at all, I’m sure.
and his body build was hidden beneath his large white jacket that he had one hand sticking out from while the other remained in his sleeve.
Nanai: *Tilts head, confused* One of his hands is poking out of his jacket, whilst he’s keeping the other one hidden in his sleeve? What for? And if the jacket is big enough to completely hide his arm…either the Shark King is pathetically frail, or he’s wearing a potato sack.
James: Because all this detail is very important. You will never get the story if you don’t know exactly how the villain wears his jacket. In fact, this detail is so important, it’s worth slowing down the action and bogging down the story.
Caroline: *Weakly* I would just like to point out that from the beginning of this story, each paragraph is only one or two lines long, consisting mostly of dialogue. This description? Nearly five times that length. Just so you know.
With his free arm he pulled out a large broadsword wrapepd up in multiple bandages with a skull head at the bottom of the hilt.
Nanai: Well, plagiarising One Piece isn’t enough, so we’ll rip off Naruto too! After all, originality is for losers!
James: Because the Stuthor failed to specify where he pulled the sword from, I’m going to make very disparaging assumptions.
Because I can.
From his robe
Nanai: Wasn’t he wearing a jacket a moment ago? Does he also have the power to spontaneously change outfits? *Ominously* Or is he a magical girl?
James: *Turns slightly green* That mental image…was not nice.
he pulled out a necklace
Nanai: AH! A MYSTERIOUS BUT PLOT-IMPORTANT AMULET! IT’S A MARY SUE!
James: *Turns completely green* And that mental image is even more unwelcome.
that had various skulls and teeth around it
Nanai: His necklace had TEETH around it? O_O *Laughs hysterically*
James: Yes, because jewellery with violent themes is the only way he can make himself seem badass. Stuthor, there is this term called ‘overcompensation’. Google it. It will do you wonders.
as he placed it on his head.
Nanai: He…placed the necklace on his head. He didn’t wear it around his neck, he PLACE IT ON HIS HEAD. I’ll leave it to you to imagine what it looks like, because if I do it myself, I’ll die of laughter.
James: This action is very important. Very, very important. It’s worth dragging out the climax and ruining the tension for. I hope you’re taking notes.
He then began to undo the wrappings on his sword. It revealed to be a smooth silver sword.
James: Aren’t you a much better person for knowing that?
Caroline: Silver? …You realise that is not a very good metal to make practical swords out of, right? It’s much too soft for actual combat. That’s why silver swords were meant to be ORNAMENTAL! *Shakes head* And I had such high hopes he’ll kick the Stu’s ass…
James: And why did he even wrap his sword in bandages to begin with? Why can’t he just get a scabbard or sheath like a normal person? Removing twenty metres of tightly wrapped material is time consuming! If he were ever caught in actual combat, where the enemy isn’t gracious enough to stand around and wait for him to get ready, he would be dead! Fencing is all about speed! And this is the man who’s supposed to have conquered a quarter of the world, goddamit!
"Well Shark King Tiburon" David smiled as he drew both of his katana's, "Let's get started!"
James: …uh, kinky?
Caroline: Was that supposed to be a cliffhanger? Am I supposed to care? No? Great, because I don’t. Now, can we leave?
The Voice clicked on, ‘Yes, you may. I’ll zap you back to your house in a moment. This chapter was truly awful, and I think you guys deserve another long break. Thank you for your help.’
With a flash of light, the three Sporkers found themselves within the familiar domain of Caroline’s living room again.
With a groan, James sunk into a couch. ‘God, that was horrible.’
‘I know.’ Caroline replied grimly.
‘And anytime the bastard wants us back, we’ll be forcibly dragged back. There’s no way out of this, and there’s nowhere we can run to.’ He ran a hand over his face.
‘But we’re not completely helpless.’ Caroline objected. ‘The bastard obviously has some kind of magic. I’m not the superstitious type, but I’ve been presented with more than enough proof. I’m going to start researching this Sporking thing…as well as look into the occult. Who knows.’ She shrugged. ‘We might find a way out of this.’
Nanai tilted her head, ‘It wasn’t all that bad though. Yeah, it made me angry at times, but it was still pretty hilarious.’
Caroline snorted. ‘No matter your opinions on humour, I’m not going to let myself be dragged back there again.’ She turned, and began ascending the stairs. ‘Come on. You can help me look up sporkings. You know your way around the internet far better than I do.’
Nanai’s eyes lit up. ‘Of course! I love you, Caroline!’ She bounded up the steps, positively bursting with excitement.
James signed deeply and ran his hand over his face again. Somehow, he had a feeling that this won’t work…
Go Forward to: Chapter 7, Part 1
Go back to: Chapter 6, Part 1
I'll try to fix it as soon as I can, but nothing I can think of works. I am very sorry.
Disclaimers and Warnings from the previous part apply.
Enjoy...
Edit: Problem fixed
"Well they're here Captain." Tora informed as he kneeled in front of the Shark King.
James: O_O What on earth are they doing? There’s a time and place, goddamn it!
Caroline: *Hissing* James! If you don’t shut up right now, god help me, I’ll smash your face in!
"Good, send everyone after them.
Nanai: (Shark King) And call the PPC. We don’t want to risk anything.
Since Avery betrayed us then I think we should send him a little gift. Don't you agree Tora?"
Caroline: Wait…how does the Shark King know about the betrayal? If anything, shouldn’t he be assuming that Avery was killed, or taken hostage?
Nanai: The Stuthor expects all of his readers to have telepathic connections to him, so it makes sense that he believes the ability to be commonplace.
James: …I’m not going to comment on the ‘gift’. No.
"Yes sir, I'll also be more than happy to take on the First Mate again."
Nanai: …The first time I read that sentence, I didn’t notice the ‘on’.
Caroline: *Facepalm* Yes. Go after the man who pwned an entire legion singlehandedly and wiped the floor with your ass. Clearly, after one day, you’re so much stronger, and can certainly handle him. YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE PIRATE CREW WITH YOU! GANG UP ON THE LITTLE BASTARDS! YOU’RE BLOODY PIRATES! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BOTHERED ABOUT SPORTSMANSHIP! I’m so angry, I’m not even going to comment on Nanai’s comment! Gah!
Tora turned his hand into a fist out of anger from his previous loss.
Nanai: …His hand…turned into a fist? No, he turned his hand into a fist? So, is his hand a Transformer, or a magical girl?
James: *Drily* Thank you for informing us that he was angry that he lost. I mean, your writing is so subtle and all, I doubt I would’ve been able to figure that out without you holding my hand every step of the way.
"Do what you wish. As long as we get rid of them."
Caroline: Yes. That’s the perfect order to give to a PIRATE CREW. Do whatever the fucking hell you like.
Nanai: They’re Stus. Clearly, he’s desperate. The little buggers latch onto canon like leeches, after all.
"Yes sir." Tora then stood and turned around,
James: Having finished paying lip service…
Caroline: *Throws bottle of water at James’ head* THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE, GODDAMIT!
"Raise the flag!" He called, and soon an army of Seamen began to pull up a large black flag that had a picture of a shark with a crown on it's head.
Nanai: Wait…they weren’t flying their flag before? Why the hell not? What kind of pirates are they? What, are they ashamed of their flag?
James: *Gawks* It’s a flag with a SHARK wearing CROWN! That’s not a bloody pirate flag! That belongs in DISNEYLAND! No wonder they don’t want to fly the goddamned flag! I’d be ashamed of something THAT tacky as well!
"Royal Sea Pirates! Go to war!" Tora yelled
Caroline: Yes. Way to improve the enemy’s morale. IT’S FOUR BLOODY PEOPLE, MOST OF WHOM ARE INJURIED FROM PREVIOUS FIGHTS! THEY’RE IN A PATHETIC LITTLE ROWBOAT! THIS IS NOT FUCKING WAR! THIS IS PEST CONTROL!
and raised his fist in the air and soon every Fishman on Warship Island cheered and ran towards the shore of the Island.
Nanai: (Fishmen) Wheeeeeeeee~ Skinny dipping~
Caroline: *Rubs forehead tiredly* Again, was this supposed to be suspenseful? Are we supposed to be excited? Because I’m not. I’m just tired, and angry. Incredibly angry.
James: God, it reads like he has a goddamned remote control in his hands, doesn’t it? I swear, this Stuthor has a thing for slavery.
"That's alot of people.." David sighed.
Nanai: *Solemnly* That’s a lot of fish.
Caroline: God…WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID HE EXPECT? He's going up against a former Shichibukai! He’s going up against a man with a quarter of the world under his control! And he’s surprised that man has lots of underling? He’s surprised to meet resistance? Just because the Stuthor favours you, doesn’t mean you can freaking rely on it!
James: But he can, though. Because this goddamned Stuthor is more predicable than Meyer.
Nanai: But he’s funnier as well, so all is good.
"Yeah, should I take'em all out?" Chase asked.
Caroline: No. You should invite them to a picnic and try to teach them how to sew! You’re in a goddamned battle, you idiot! They’re trying to take your boss down! WHAT THE FREAKING HELL DO YOU THINK?
Nanai: He doesn’t. That’s the point.
James: *Scoffs* As if you would obey if he told you not too. You’ve been jerking off to this chance of unrestrained slaughter since you met Tora.
Caroline: *With hands clamed around Nanai’s ears* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nanai: *Struggles* Caroline! It’s fine! Let’s just move on!
"We can't just rush in you idiots!" Avery advised.
James: Yes. Advised. What a passionate, urgent action.
Caroline: You don’t have to freaking rush in! The enemy’s already swarming towards you! You stand your ground and try not to get killed! It’s not that hard!
Nanai: …Wait…I don’t think the Fishmen are running at them yet…I mean, they’re just standing around and talking, after all. But…*Frowns* When is this? What’s happening? What on earth are we reading?
James: Mind-blowing-ly bad writing.
"Why not..." David pouted.
Caroline: OH, ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING REASON. OF COURSE, YOU SHOULD JUST RUN IN WITHOUT ANY PLANS OR PREPARATION! NO THING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG, AFTER ALL!
Nanai: If only he actually pranced in like that…*Sighs* It would’ve been magnificent…
James: Watching him slaughter fishmen left and right? What, it’s not like the Stuthor would allowed him to be defeated!
"That whole island is filled with Fishman ready to kill, it's basically like a Marine Base for Fishman." Avery pointed out.
Nanai: …That’s not how the World Government works. No.
Caroline: You’re right. It’s not, for one very important reason. What is the main function of marines in One Piece? TO FIGHT FUCKING PIRATES! The Shark King is a pirate himself! He’s not out there patrolling the seas, ensuring the safety of villages, taking down rogue pirates! He’s a fucking Arlong clone, not a Sengoku clone! And the marines tried to take targets alive whenever possible for public executions! Most soldiers weren’t ready to kill on sight!
James: That, and the marines were much more organised! No marine captain ever gave the order of ‘go do whatever the hell you like’! And no marine captain ever allowed their faction to swarm down an empty, flat beach without any concealments like a ragtag bunch of misfits! They attacked in formation! They had ranks! And the marines never use assassins! They’re a metaphor for the real world army! No pirate crew can ever operate like an army! Get your facts right, you idiot!
"Really? That means there's going to be someone strong there right?" David asked with hopes up high.
Caroline: HE WAS A FUCKING FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! HE RULES OVER A QUARTER OF THE WORLD WITH AN IRON FIST! WHAT THE GODDAMNED FUCK DO YOU FUCKING THINK?
"Just the Shichibukai the Shark King."
"Then I'll take him on."
Nanai: Oh, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure he has every intention of taking you as well.
"Idiot, it's not as easy as it sounds." Avery spoke a little annoyed.
James: Yes. For example, that freaking huge horde of fishmen running down the beach to you? Yeah, you have to take care of those guys first before you can sit around and chat! Seriously, why even show us that scene if we’re just going to switch back to dry, bland dialogue from our protagonists?
Caroline: At least it’s not another chapter that’s nothing but a drawn out, badly written action scene.
Nanai: I’m confused. He’s with these guys because he follows the strongest, right? So, if he wasn’t sure that they would be able to take down the Shark King, why would he join them in the first place? In fact, why is he investing so much in them? Wouldn’t it be in his best interests to let those idiots waltz in, so he could test their strength and all?
James: *Drily* You’re putting far more thought into this than the Stuthor. You really shouldn’t do that, you know, you’ll only hurt yourself.
"Why not?"
"Because he's a Shichibukai with a bounty of two hundred ninety million belli's."
Caroline: Yes, he should be cautious because his opponent is a strong pirate who has had a very successful career, gain enough infamous repute that the government would rather betray their ideals and ally with him than oppose him, took over a quarter of the world, and commands a massive crew. All of those are fantastic reason. His bounty, though, is NOT. Bounties are not assigned according to the strength of the pirate. They’re assigned according to how much threat the individual presents to the government. They gave an eight year old little girl a bounty of 80 million! Bounties mean nothing! Gah!
"Okay...I'm a pirate with no belli's." David smiled, "So what?"
Nanai: Stuthor, I know you probably admired how the canon characters challenged the Big Bads with complete disregard as to their apparent difference in strength. I admired them for that too. However, it really doesn’t work here. The canon characters were fighting for a righteous cause, they were fighting for their friends, and they didn’t give off an air of constant, pompous, smug arrogance as your Stus do! That there is not badass! That is condescending! That just makes me want to see the Shark King kick this idiot's butt!
James: And there’s the bad writing again, too. You’re a pirate with no BOUNTY. As in, if someone captured you, they wouldn’t be paid by the government! What you said is that your main characters essentially have no MONEY! Though that may be true, I doubt that’s what you intended. Also, again, I have to point out, how is it that these people have no bounty? Right at the start of the story, we see them frying marine soldiers with no remorse. I refuse to believe that’s how the Stu reacted to his first murder, so they must have done it pretty often. So why the heck do they have no bounty? What, the marine base ran out of printer ink?
"Whatever..."
Caroline: Right. Your crewmate and closest friend is about to run headlong into a secure enemy stronghold despite being disadvantaged in almost every way, and you give up persuading him otherwise after four lines of dialogue. Nice to see how much these people treasure their friends, huh?
Nanai: Hey, maybe Avery is fighting off the Stuthor’s spell! He seems pretty eager to get these guys killed! Maybe that’s why he refused to row? He was hoping to strand them all out in the ocean, where they can die of exposure! And basically sacrificing himself to do so! Wow…now THAT’S a genuinely heroic character.
"Avery there's no chance in arguing, just let him be." Chase advised
Nanai: (Chase) He’s the Head Stu, he’s got God on his side, there’s no point in arguing.
Caroline: Yes. Just let him be. Even though, in this case, the wrong decision will lead to his DEATH! …Wait…Yes! Let him be! Don’t anyone DARE dissuade him!
as he placed his hand on Avery's shoulders.
James: The shoulders that were just struck by lightning, need I remind you?
Nanai: I was thinking along the lines of Bad Touch myself…
"Fine.." Avery hung his head.
Nanai: *Sniffles* Aw, he realised he failed in his mission and took his own life. He was such a nice character, willing to sacrifice himself to kill the Stus…*Bows head in moment of silence*
"Let's go!" David smiled as he stood with his foot on the head of the boat.
Caroline: …He even needs to condescend and defile a BOAT. Wow, that is a level of villainy hitherto unforseen…
Nanai: …Wait…where the hell are they? They arrived at the island TWO scenes before! And yet they’re still on the boat? Why aren’t they getting off?
James: Well, you see, none of them have the necessary equipment.
Caroline: …*Darkly* James, I’m WARNING you.
"So what's the plan?" Riru asked.
James: *Boggles* They’re asking this NOW? They’ve already arrived at the enemy stronghold, and they’re only planning NOW? So, they couldn’t be bothered to pay any thought to this through the entire rowing trip? They literally showed up with NO planning? Even the Straw Hat pirates had basic tactics!
Caroline: *Sneers* As if any of them can think…
"Well you see...I have no idea." David sighed and hung his head.
Caroline: *Twitches* STOP USING THAT PHRASE! There are more than one way of describing something! Repeating the same thing over and over again is not good in any kind of writing!
James: I…*Shakes head* Even LUFFY knew enough to devise tactics before a battle! You…WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? YOU’RE FIGHTING A FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! AND YOU HAVE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER? THAT IS NOT ENDEARING! THAT IS STUPID! IT’S UTTERLY STUPID! No…Even STUPID doesn’t describe the level of incompetence this is! Single-celled organisms are capable of higher intelligence than this!
Nanai: Not to mention, by rushing into battle without any plans, he’s putting his crewmates and friends in danger. It’s not just about himself, he is perfectly willing to put his friends' lives in jeopardy for some excitement. And this fanfiction is based on ONE PIECE. Do I even need to point out what’s wrong with this?
"Huh...Riru how about to stay by the boat once we reach shore and fight off all those Fishman."
"By myself?" Riru asked a little scared.
James: O_O
The Voice: Ahem. Since I’ve been doing feminist rants for the past two chapters, I figure I might do this as well. Let’s go through this bit by bit:
- You are fighting a huge ARMY of FISHMEN! Creatures that are established as far stronger than humans! And they are trained fishmen, belonging to a hugely successful pirate crew! They are experienced, strong, and OUTNUMBERS you! And you’re fighting on their home turf! If fact, you’re coming in from the sea, where you can’t conceal yourselves, and where your movements will be hindered by the water! You have every disadvantage that’s conceivable to have! And you’re not putting all of your forces to combat? Why would you even need someone to stay by the boat? That boat is new, so it’s not like you have an emotional attachment to it. I don’t see any mention of luggage! Not to mention, YOUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE! What could possibly be in the boat that must be guarded at all times? If you lose, YOU WILL BE KILLED! YOU WILL BE DEAD! And if you win, you can take the Shark King’s ship, so it’s not like you will need your boat, whatever the circumstances!
- What do you mean ‘once you reach shore’? You freaking arrived at the island TWO SECTIONS AGO! Go back and read it! It’s mentioned no less than THREE times that they have already arrived! What the fuck is up with your timeline, Stuthor? When the fuck is this happening?
- You mean they can see the fishmen? You mean, the fishmen have already arrived in the beach? Then why the fuck aren’t they attacking! They’ve been ordered to do so! Even if the protagonists are still out on the ocean, they could still SHOOT at them! Are they just lounging around, waiting for the main characters to stop talking? Look, that wasn’t realistic even in a visual format! You absolutely cannot pull something like that off even if you knew what you’re doing, and you obviously do not here!
- I find it very suspicious that the FEMALE is asked to stay by the boat, out of danger. Why? Riru has goddamned SUPER SPEED! I know practically every character has it, and thus she’s not particularly powerful (trust me, I ain’t forgetting THAT), but her power is still very handy in combat! Plus, her greatest defence is actually to keep moving! It’s established that she can move faster than the eye can see! If she keeps running, the enemy won’t be able to see her, and thus they can’t hurt her! Sitting by the boat, completely immobile, is actually more dangerous to her! That, and she can knock plenty of people out whilst she’s running because SHE’LL BE TOO FAST TO STOP! And she’s got a DEVIL FRUIT! You really think it’s safe for her by the boat, right beside the SEA WATER? It’s apparently possible for someone to drown in very shallow water by your own canon! So why is David putting her in more danger on purpose? The most useful and safest place for her to be is actually in combat! Did they forget that she was an extremely competent fighter just ONE chapter ago? Just because she can’t handle a Stu, doesn’t mean she can’t take out her fair share of mooks! Again, THEY’RE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES! THEY’RE GOING UP AGAINST A HUGE ARMY! THEY NEED ALL THE POWER THEY CAN GET! WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY PUTTING A STRONG, COMPETENT FIGHTER BEHIND? WHY ARE THEY WRAPPING HER IN COTTON? REMEMBER YOUR OWN CANON, GODDAMIT!
- SHE WAS A PIRATE! SHE WAS A FIGHTER! SHE WIPED THE FLOOR WITH YOUR STU A CHAPTER AGO, BEFORE HE PULLED A SUPERPOWER OUT OF HIS ASS! DOESN’T THIS TELL YOU ANYTHING? YOU HAD TO RESORT TO A DEUS EX MACHINA TO MAKE SURE YOUR STU WINS AGAINST HER! IF YOU HADN’T DONE THAT, SHE WOULD HAVE WON! WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING SCARED? SHE WAS A CON ARTIST, TRICKING YOU IDIOTIC STUS INTO FIGHTING WITH HER TEAMMATES AND MAKING OFF WITH THEIR WEAPONS! SHE’S CLEARLY SEEN HER FAIR SHARE OF BLOODSHED! NOT TO MENTION, SHE KNEW THEY WERE GOING UP AGAINST A SHICHIBUKAI! SHE KNEW THEY’D BE GETTING IN FIGHTS! SO WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SCARED? IN FACT, THEY’RE PRETTY MUCH TELLING HER TO SIT BACK, AND THEY’LL PROTECT HER! IF ANYTHING, SHOULDN’T SHE BE MORE OFFENDED? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
Nanai: She can be a great character, can’t she? A little girl who plays up the Wounded Gazelle Gambit to con people out of their possessions, sailing through the One Piece world, one-upping various pirates…Pity she gets reduced to the meek little Damsel in Distress here…
Caroline: Yes, notice that she was actually COMPETENT as a villain. But apparently, she must become a sweet, subordinate, obedient little slave in order to redeem herself. What a fantastic message you’re sending out there.
James: *Quietly* This Stuthor scares me…
"No, Avery will be with you.
Caroline: THEY’RE SPLITTING OFF EVEN MORE OF THEIR FORCES? WHY THE FUCK IS AVERY EVEN NEEDED WITH RIRU? WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT THE BOAT SERVES NO PURPOSE! AND RIRU HAS CLEARLY SHOWN THAT SHE CAN DEFEND HERSELF ONE CHAPTER AGO! EVEN IF YOU NEED TO PROTECT HER, THE BEST WAY OF DOING SO WILL BE ATTACKING THE FISHMEN RUTHLESSLY! YOU’VE GOT THE OCEAN TO YOUR BACK! THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DEFEND YOUSELF IS BY PRESSING ON WITH YOUR ATTACKS! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN RETREAT OR BUILD FORTRESSES! YOU’RE GOING UP AGAINST A HUGE ARMY! YOU NEED EVERY MAN YOU CAN GET! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JUST LETTING HALF YOUR FORCES SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING?
Nanai: Oh, but she CAN’T defend herself! As soon as she got enslaved by the Stus, she’s immediately emasculated, and all of her former fighting prowess has to go, or she wouldn’t be attractive otherwise! And of course a Big Strong Man has to stay behind, lest she gets the vapours!
Two Devil Fruit users should be good against them."
Caroline: ONE! ONE DEVIL FRUIT USER! DAVID DOESN’T HAVE A DEVIL FRUIT! STOP RAPING YOUR OWN CANON, GODDAMIT!
James: Two. Yes, two people should be perfectly able to slaughter an entire army of fishmen. Of course. Again, THIS IS NOT CONFIDENCE! THIS IS HUBRIS! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, STUTHOR!
"Yeah, let's hope so." Avery said as they got onto shore.
Caroline: HOW ABOUT YOUR STOP HOPING, AND ACTUALLY GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT? YOU HAVE FOUR PEOPLE! USE FOUR PEOPLE! IF YOU GET KILLED ,THAT BOAT ISN’T GOING TO DO YOU ANY GOOD! FIGHT, GODDAMIT, FIGHT!
Nanai: *Drily* And the fishmen politely stand aside and let them get on shore. No attempts are shooting them, no traps set beforehand. Nope. The entire beach is left clear, so the Stus can get off the boat at their convenience. *Spits* The Normandy landing this is not.
James: If that’s the intelligence of their enemies, I can almost buy two people defeating them…
"What about you two?" Avery asked.
Caroline: OH, THEY’RE JUST GOING TO PRANCE ON SHORE AND HAVE A PICNIC! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO DO?
Nanai: *Pats Caroline* You alright there? Calm down a little, this thing isn’t worth it.
"We're going on ahead." Chase explained,
Caroline: *Screams, tearing her hair out*
Nanai: *Flatly* I dare you to top that amount of stupidity. I DARE you.
"Ready David?"
James: And I bet the fishmen would nicely wait for them if he wasn’t ready, too.
Nanai: And how is that different from what they’re already doing?
Caroline: *Shrieks with rage*
Chase looked to see David gone with all the Fishman looking at a kid who just ran onto the island cluelessly.
James: This worst thing is, we know he won’t die.
Caroline: *Buries head in knees and sobs*
All they could hear him say was:
"HERE I COME SHARK KING!"
Caroline: *Muffled* THAT DOES NOT NEED A NEW PARAGRAPH!
James: *Weakly* This is so stupid, I don’t know what so say anymore…seriously, no amount of words will do this justice.
"David you idiot!" Chase yelled
Caroline: YES! THANK YOU!
Nanai: You know he doesn’t mean it. We’re meant to see this whole thing as ENDEARING. We’re meant to be comparing these idiots to the likes of LUFFY and ZORO, who are genuinely confident and intuitive people. We’re meant to see the Stus as BETTER than them. And that’s the saddest part of this fic. This Stuthor’s attempts are creating likeable characters are so pathetic, I don’t know whether to pity him or hate him.
James: Hate him. He’s past the point of sympathy a long time ago.
as the Fishman filled the gap and looked at the three,
Nanai: What gap?
James: Do you care?
Nanai: *Thinks for a moment* Nope.
Caroline: Three? THREE? Oh great, Riru isn’t even a PERSON anymore? *Buries head in hands* Is this over? I honestly can’t take anymore of this…
"Huh...Shockwave Fist!" Chase lunged at one of the fishman and released a blast of electricity through them clearing a path for him to follow David.
James: So…let me get this straight. David runs head along into an army of fishmen, and they close ranks behind him, effectively circling him…does anyone see a problem with this? DAVID IS NOT ALONE! HE HAS THREE FRIENDS ON THE OUTSIDE! WHAT THE FISHMEN ARE DOING IS EFFECTIVELY TURNING THEIR BACK TO THE ENEMY! WHY DO THEY NEED TO DEVOTE ALL THEIR FORCES TO ONE KID? WHY AREN’T SOME FACTIONS ATTACKING CHASE, AVERY, AND RIRU? DO THEY HONESTLY JUST STAND AROUND AND WHISTLE UNTIL THE PROTAGONISTS MAKE THE FIRST MOVE?
Nanai: Remember what I said before? There’s no way these idiots will ever win any fights unless the Stuthor gives their enemies collective lobotomies. *Spits* God, this is infuriating…
Caroline: Oh yes, go ahead and use your powers on them. It’s not like you claimed you never use your powers against normal people THREE chapters ago. Nope. You only follow that rule when you feel like it. Because morals are for STUPID people.
"Huh...I'm going to regret losing." Avery said as he stepped onto shore.
James: Regret what?
Caroline: I think he’s saying that he’s going to regret losing to Chase, thus getting himself enslaved by those two idiots. Which doesn’t make sense, considering he didn’t make an active choice to lose. He was forced into it, so I don’t see why he has to regret anything.
Nanai: Or he’s the only character with some sense, and can see that they’re pretty much doomed to death.
"Let's do this." Riru said as she drew both her blades.
James: As much as I appreciate you actually letting her fight…didn’t her Captain just order her to stay with the boat? Or did you forget your own canon again?
"Right."
Caroline: Oh god, THERE’S ANOTHER SECTION? How long IS this goddamned thing?
Nanai: *Hugs Caroline* We’re nearly there, don’t worry…it’ll all be fine…
"David!" Chase yelled as he tried to find his Captain.
Nanai: (Chase) *Weeping melodramatically* David! No! Don’t leave me behind! I can’t live without you!
He cupped his hand
James: Around David’s as-
Caroline: *Tackles James* I’m not so far out of it that I can’t beat the shit out of you! Stop that NOW!
over his mouth looking for him,
James: …how is cupping you hands around your mouth going to help you find someone? Should you be LOOKING AROUND? WITH YOUR EYES?
Nanai: Eh, they’re clearly devil spawns. I won’t be surprised if they have some sort of voodoo magic.
but instead he found someone else.
James: Wow. It actually worked.
Nanai: What were you expecting? That they would fail?
Caroline: That sentence makes sound as though ‘someone else’ is an object…I’m seriously picturing the Stu lifting pebbles and peeking into crevices in his search here.
Nanai: Great! See how much funny mental images help with the pain?
"Hey there." A voice said as a Fishman stood in front of Chase.
Nanai: The fishman didn’t say that though, the voice did.
Caroline: What the fucking hell is up with these antagonists and ruining the element of surprise? These people want to slaughter the entire crew! JUST ATTACK THEM, DAMMIT!
Nanai: Lobotomies, remember?
James: Not to mention, what kind of greeting is that? Are you honestly trying to make your villains threatening here? This sounds like he’s trying to chat the Stu up!
Nanai: …Ew…
"Tora..." Chase sighed.
James: …I now sincerely regret my comment.
Caroline:*Menacingly* Now, if you hadn’t said it in the first place…
"Ready for our rematch?"
James: …interesting terminology…
Caroline: *Darkly* What did I just say?
James: Uh…I mean, what is he going to do if the Stu isn’t ready?
Nanai: Why, what the villains always do! Stand around and wait, of course! Because god forbid anyone try to INCONVENIENCE the Stu!
"Yeah, don't dissapoint me this time."
James: (Tora) I swear, this has never happened to me before!
Nanai: (Chase) *Gently* It’s alright, dear, it happens to everyone.
Caroline: *Drags Nanai over by her side and hugs her* No! Don’t follow his example!
"Trust me, I won't."
James: Ah, the wonders of Viagra…
Caroline: O_o
James: *Hastily* Not speaking from personal experience! I swear!
Nanai: …right, moving on.
"Shark King?" David called as he walked up white marble steps.
James: What?
Caroline: WHAT? YOU MEAN, THAT WAS IT? THE ENTIRE BEACH SCENE IS JUST SKIPPED? WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS A ONE PIECE FANFICTION, AND YOU COMPLETELY SKIP THE ACTION? IF I WANTED THAT, I WOULD’VE WENT AND READ TWILIGHT! YOU SPENT THREE QUARTERS OF THIS CHAPTER SETTING UP A HUGE BATTLE ON THE BEACH, AND YOU JUST SKIP IT? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU DON’T LIKE WRITING ACTION SCENES, CONSIDERING WE HAD TWO CHAPTERS IN A ROW THAT’S NOTHING BUT EXTENDED ACTION SCENES! AND WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BOTHER WITH ALL THE SET UP IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO BLOODY SKIP IT? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT? ALL OF THAT DRIVEL WE SAT THROUGH, ALL OF IT WAS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS? A;OEFJIAPWEJIOGHAIGPWEHOAIEHSOG! *Spazzes*
Nanai: White marble steps. *Giggles* Right, a PIRATE would bother with paving the steps to his house with white marble. If he were a REAL pirate, he would have sold the stuff for whores. *Shakes head* The Twilight parallels are becoming more and more blatant, huh?
James: And this is a STU fic too, not a SUE fic.
Nanai: Stupidity knows no gender.
Once he reached the top he saw a marble white platform
Nanai: Seriously, what is up with the white marble fixation? Is the Shark King a Twihard?
James: That makes it a difficult situation, doesn't it? Do we cheer on the stupid, stupid Stus, or the stupid, stupid Twihard?
Nanai: I’m hoping for Mutually Assured Destruction here…
like bridge over a one hundred by one hundred square foot like abyss filled with water.
Nanai: *Confused* How can a platform be like a bridge?
James: Apparently, the Stu can now judge distances perfectly at a glance. Hooray.
"Who are you?"
"My name is David S. Payne! Are you the Shark King?"
James: Wait, there was someone there? Why didn't you fucking describe them, then? This is meant to be the Big Bad! And you spend more time describing the marble steps than him? How the fuck are we even meant to visualise the scene if we don’t even know if the antagonist is there or not? PRIORITIES, STUTHOR, GET THEM STRAIGHT!
Nanai: Caroline? You’ve been awfully quiet…
Caroline: *Twitches* Don’t talk to me. I’m trying to ignore the fic…
"Yes. I am the Shark King Tiburon Hodachi."
Nanai: *Bursts out in giggles* Tiburon? TIBURON? Seriously?
James: *Dully* Oh wow. How climatic. I’m just on the edge of my seat here. Look at him. Isn’t he threatening? Aren’t you excited? *Suddenly swells in rage* WELL I’M NOT, BECAUSE THE WRITING IS ABSOLUTELY SHIT! *Spits*
From the shadows of the large white moslieum and from his crimson velvet throne a large blue shark skinned Fishman stepped out.
Nanai: *Boggles, and bursts out laughing again* How can he step from two places at once? Is his power space warping? A Time Lord Fishman? And he’s shark-skinned? As in his skin is made out of sharks? That’s AWESOME, man! Not to mention, he totally went and made himself a THRONE! He’s a bloody pirate who sails around all year, pillaging strange islands, and he went to the trouble of making himself a THRONE? *Laughs* Oh god, this is HILARIOUS!
James: He had to announce himself and challenge the little bugger to a proper duel. Because the Stuthor threatened to call him a mean poopie head if he didn’t let the Stu win.
He had spikey blue hair,
Nanai: Kamina? What are you doing here?
yellow piercing eyes,
Nanai: Not like Arlong at all, I’m sure.
and his body build was hidden beneath his large white jacket that he had one hand sticking out from while the other remained in his sleeve.
Nanai: *Tilts head, confused* One of his hands is poking out of his jacket, whilst he’s keeping the other one hidden in his sleeve? What for? And if the jacket is big enough to completely hide his arm…either the Shark King is pathetically frail, or he’s wearing a potato sack.
James: Because all this detail is very important. You will never get the story if you don’t know exactly how the villain wears his jacket. In fact, this detail is so important, it’s worth slowing down the action and bogging down the story.
Caroline: *Weakly* I would just like to point out that from the beginning of this story, each paragraph is only one or two lines long, consisting mostly of dialogue. This description? Nearly five times that length. Just so you know.
With his free arm he pulled out a large broadsword wrapepd up in multiple bandages with a skull head at the bottom of the hilt.
Nanai: Well, plagiarising One Piece isn’t enough, so we’ll rip off Naruto too! After all, originality is for losers!
James: Because the Stuthor failed to specify where he pulled the sword from, I’m going to make very disparaging assumptions.
Because I can.
From his robe
Nanai: Wasn’t he wearing a jacket a moment ago? Does he also have the power to spontaneously change outfits? *Ominously* Or is he a magical girl?
James: *Turns slightly green* That mental image…was not nice.
he pulled out a necklace
Nanai: AH! A MYSTERIOUS BUT PLOT-IMPORTANT AMULET! IT’S A MARY SUE!
James: *Turns completely green* And that mental image is even more unwelcome.
that had various skulls and teeth around it
Nanai: His necklace had TEETH around it? O_O *Laughs hysterically*
James: Yes, because jewellery with violent themes is the only way he can make himself seem badass. Stuthor, there is this term called ‘overcompensation’. Google it. It will do you wonders.
as he placed it on his head.
Nanai: He…placed the necklace on his head. He didn’t wear it around his neck, he PLACE IT ON HIS HEAD. I’ll leave it to you to imagine what it looks like, because if I do it myself, I’ll die of laughter.
James: This action is very important. Very, very important. It’s worth dragging out the climax and ruining the tension for. I hope you’re taking notes.
He then began to undo the wrappings on his sword. It revealed to be a smooth silver sword.
James: Aren’t you a much better person for knowing that?
Caroline: Silver? …You realise that is not a very good metal to make practical swords out of, right? It’s much too soft for actual combat. That’s why silver swords were meant to be ORNAMENTAL! *Shakes head* And I had such high hopes he’ll kick the Stu’s ass…
James: And why did he even wrap his sword in bandages to begin with? Why can’t he just get a scabbard or sheath like a normal person? Removing twenty metres of tightly wrapped material is time consuming! If he were ever caught in actual combat, where the enemy isn’t gracious enough to stand around and wait for him to get ready, he would be dead! Fencing is all about speed! And this is the man who’s supposed to have conquered a quarter of the world, goddamit!
"Well Shark King Tiburon" David smiled as he drew both of his katana's, "Let's get started!"
James: …uh, kinky?
Caroline: Was that supposed to be a cliffhanger? Am I supposed to care? No? Great, because I don’t. Now, can we leave?
The Voice clicked on, ‘Yes, you may. I’ll zap you back to your house in a moment. This chapter was truly awful, and I think you guys deserve another long break. Thank you for your help.’
With a flash of light, the three Sporkers found themselves within the familiar domain of Caroline’s living room again.
With a groan, James sunk into a couch. ‘God, that was horrible.’
‘I know.’ Caroline replied grimly.
‘And anytime the bastard wants us back, we’ll be forcibly dragged back. There’s no way out of this, and there’s nowhere we can run to.’ He ran a hand over his face.
‘But we’re not completely helpless.’ Caroline objected. ‘The bastard obviously has some kind of magic. I’m not the superstitious type, but I’ve been presented with more than enough proof. I’m going to start researching this Sporking thing…as well as look into the occult. Who knows.’ She shrugged. ‘We might find a way out of this.’
Nanai tilted her head, ‘It wasn’t all that bad though. Yeah, it made me angry at times, but it was still pretty hilarious.’
Caroline snorted. ‘No matter your opinions on humour, I’m not going to let myself be dragged back there again.’ She turned, and began ascending the stairs. ‘Come on. You can help me look up sporkings. You know your way around the internet far better than I do.’
Nanai’s eyes lit up. ‘Of course! I love you, Caroline!’ She bounded up the steps, positively bursting with excitement.
James signed deeply and ran his hand over his face again. Somehow, he had a feeling that this won’t work…
Go Forward to: Chapter 7, Part 1
Go back to: Chapter 6, Part 1