One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 8 Part 2:
I intended to give myself a rest, but...eh, I think I'm just too masochistic. I finished working on this particular section faster than I thought I would, given that it's hands down the most infuriating section so far. The writing was probably less than a thousand words, but I've ranted for nearly six thousand...and this is significant less than what I initially ranted for.
I've calmed down a bit, seeing as it's my second time sporking this section, so there's not as much capslock as I though there would be, but there's still ranting in very large font.
The next sections are probably going to take a long time, because they're not rage inducing. They're no THAT bad...they're just dull. However, I fully intend to write a spite fic later, so you guys have something to read while I trudge on. And I have a lovely idea for this journal...I'm just waiting for someone's permission before I could do it.
That said, please enjoy:
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"Hahaha!" Tora laughed
The Girl: *Eyes briefly go blank* Robin? I need you to do something.
Robin: Yes?
The Girl: I’ve…Look, it’s complicated…but I know what’s going to happen next, and it’s not going to be pretty. I’m going to explode a lot of times in this section and the next, so I need you to restrain me.
Robin: Is it really that bad?
The Girl: Oh yes. You wouldn’t believe it. So, here, take this. *Hands over a keyboard*
Robin: *Takes keyboard and raises eyebrows*
The Girl: Just…see the letters on the keys? Yeah, type out something on that, and this dimension would shift according to what you typed down. If I die or explode in this chapter, I need you to put me back together.
Robin: Interesting device. So, with this, I am omnipotent in this dimension?
The Girl: That’s why I asked for you as a sporking partner. The others would abuse it to summon endless supplies of alcohol…or hot women…or food…
Robin: *Amused* I see. Very well, then.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 11
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 8
as he stood bloodied and beaten over Chase,
Robin: I see it is only the villains that are said to be injured in battle at all. Despite Chase being the supposed loser of this fight, he is never described as bruised or bleeding. It’s only the villains who are affected by combat. Authorial favouritism is never good, Stuthor, and this just shows us how reluctant you are to put your creations in any kind of danger. This is the quickest way to make a reader lose interest, I’m sure you English teacher would have told you that.
The Girl: I still can’t wrap my brains around the fact that this Stuthor actually went to school at one point. He has actually taken an English class, and he writes things like, “‘Haha.’ He laughed.”
Robin: I wonder if I should pity or rage at his teacher.
The Girl: Have you been reading the last section? Have you seen how high the Just Kill Him, Dammit count is? I doubt anyone could counter that much stupidity.
"I win.." Tora mocked
The Girl: *Mockingly* Aw~ Is the little, wittle Stu’s feeeeeelings hurt?
Robin: How does that constitute mocking at all? He is stating a perfectly valid fact. He doesn’t even seem to be rubbing it in too much. A seasoned pirate can think up far more cutting remarks if he wanted to.
THESAURUS RAPE: 1
The Girl: I have a vague suspicion that anything the Stuthor doesn’t like is immediately taken as an insult. It’s not an uncommon attitude amongst their kind.
Robin: Then they must lead terribly empty lives, seeing as they are depriving themselves of the chance to grow.
The Girl: Oh, but why would they want to grow? They’re just so PERFECT the way they are! How on earth can they be improved? *Gags*
as his shirt was ripped off.
The Girl: O_O
Robin: …That…is a very strange victory ritual. I was not aware of that tradition amongst fishmen or pirates.
The Girl: I…MOVING ON! I’M JUST MOVING ON! *Turns to Robin* AND WE’RE NEVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.
"No ya don't..." Chase stood
The Girl: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? HE WAS LYING ON THE GROUND! HE WAS TOO WEAK TO FUCKING STAND! HE WAS INJURED ENOUGH THAT TORA WAS ASSURED OF HIS DEFEAT! TORA PROBABLY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PIRATES FUCKING DO TO THEIR OPPONENTS! HOW THE FUCK IS HE JUST STANDING UP? WE DON’T EVEN GET ANY MENTION OF HIM STAGGERING! HE’S APPARENTLY JUST PEACHY FINE! SO HOW WOULD TORA THINK HE WON? YOU’D THINK A PIRATE WHO’S BEEN IN BATTLE BEFORE WOULD RECOGNISE WHEN A PERSON IS GENUINELY KNOCKED OUT! AND WHAT IS THE FUCKING PURPOSE OF THE START OF THIS CHAPTER? WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING YOUR VILLAIN GLOAT FOR TWO FUCKING LINES BEFORE THE STATUS QUO IS RETURNED? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF PUTTING YOUR READERS THROUGH ALL OF THAT IF YOU’RE GOING TO RENDER EVERYTHING NULL TWO SETENCES AFTERWARDS? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINTS? AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Robin: *Dumps bucket of cold water on top of the girl with Keyboard of Power* Better?
The Girl: *Crankily* No. I’m wet.
Robin: *Dries her* Is this what you were talking about?
The Girl: Thanks. *Dry laugh* Oh, no. You have no idea. This is not even close to the worst.
Robin: Well, I must also point out…What was Tora doing gloating anyways? He had the Stu utterly helpless, so why not kill him and then gloat? He knows the Stu’s strength; he’s seen him wipe out his entire crew with a finger snap. After something like that, I find it very hard to believe that he would let his guard down enough to gloat when there is a chance that the Stu is still conscious. He’s essentially risking his life here just to get a few words in. That is not how a pirate act. If this is the way he treats a powerful enemy, he most certainly wouldn’t have survived long enough to become the First Mate of a Shichibukai.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 12
with his shirt completely torn off as well.
The Girl: DAMMIT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING THAT UP?
Robin: Really, what were they doing with their shirts off? If doesn’t help them fight any better, as a shirt does not restrict movement much anyways. They were both supposedly fighting with their fists, so I don’t see how the shirt could be damaged enough to fall off on its own. The only way this makes sense is if they deliberately tore each other’s clothes off, in which case…
The Girl: No! Stop that! *Flails*
"Why do you still fight?"
The Girl: …What?
Robin: You are under orders to kill him. He is still alive. Why are you not killing him? What does it matter to you the reason he keeps fighting? All you have to do is kill him, and you can get back to drinking cocktails and admiring the sunset. Kill him.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 13
The Girl: Oh…this is going to be another one of those pointless banter scenes, isn’t it? Dammit, I hate those. I HATE those. But seriously, why do you even have to ask? YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL HIM! OF COURSE HE WOULD FIGHT BACK! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO? SIT THERE AND LET YOU KILL HIM?
Robin: Isn’t that exactly what the villains in this fic do? I wonder if they were trained to sit there and not fight back whilst a teenaged rookie pirate whales on them, so when it comes to combat, they genuinely cannot understand why anyone to fight back.
The Girl: …Wow. Now I almost feel bad for him…Not bad enough to withdraw this though:
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 2
"Becaue I have a dream...and so do my friends! For that I will live!"
Robin: Yes. So? You’re not answering his question.
The Girl: Actually, this is…well, a sign of what’s to come, and it’s one of the things I wanted to rant about.
The Girl: I’ve also found the need to start a new count, ‘Sociopathy’. This count will not only cover all sociopathic behaviour exhibited by our supposed heroes, and trust me, there’s a lot of that, but it will also cover all instances where the Stus shit on One Piece’s ideals in the name of being cool.
SOCIOPATHY: 1
Robin: *Shakes head* Are you alright? Do you need some intervention?
The Girl: *Drily* You know, I’m starting to regret giving you the Keyboard of Power. You seem just as eager to use it.
Robin: Well, there are few who can resist absolute power. *Turns to fic* But that is very bad indeed…are you sure he doesn’t deserve two counts?
The Girl: You can be quite spiteful, you know that?
Robin: *Smiles* Why, whatever would give you that idea?
"Well so do I! We don't always get what we want fool!"
Robin: You’re not going to start sharing your dream as well, are you? Given the standard of the dreams this Stuthor think up, it would be wise to keep your mouth shut.
The Girl: I have no idea what the Stuthor was going for with this line. He seems to imply that Tora had a dream as well, but was disillusioned and thus gave up…which makes no sense, because this never gets elaborated upon, and it just seems like a random piece of characterisation randomly tossed at us for absolutely no reason…I’m confused.
Robin: Nothing in this fic has made sense so far, but I can’t help but expect some modicum of logic from it.
The Girl: Oh well. I’ll just assume he’s doing his Mr. T impersonation for fun…
"Hmph..." Chase sneered.
Robin: Sneered? Are you sure he is not the villain of this piece? He’s acting more and more like Crocodile by the second, and he’s definitely not a very pleasant man.
The Girl: No, Crocodile is better than the Stu. At least he’s awesome. This…Okay, Stuthor, I realise you probably don’t realise what you’re doing, but you’ve set up Tora’s situation as pretty similar to that of Franky. And there lies your downfall:
Franky started out as an enemy of the Straw Hat Pirates. They go to his stronghold and beat him up, for a very good reason. The townspeople were terrified of him. He used to have a dream, but more or less gave up due to disillusionment. He was a major asshole when he showed up, and I was cheering when he got his comeuppance.
He seems to be prime villain material, doesn’t he?
But he’s not a villain. He joins the Straw Hat Pirates as a main character. He becomes a HERO.
And his main redeeming factor? The fact that he had a dream.
Having a dream in One Piece is serious business. If you have a dream, you’re guaranteed to be a hero, if not become one of the main characters on the show. You cannot find me one single character who has a dream, and is not portrayed in a positive light.
And your hero’s reaction to the fact that Tora has a dream? His reaction to finding out that the person he’s beating up is essentially a misguided good guy, and would have become a hero in the main verse? He SNEERS.
He’s DISDAINFUL of the fact that Tora has a dream. He is MOCKING someone’s dream. He couldn’t care less about how they are not so different.
Actually, I’ve seen that kind of behaviour in canon before…FROM THE FUCKING VILLAINS! THE EVIL PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE WHO I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE! THE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO BE BEATEN TO A PULP BY LUFFY! THE PEOPLE WHO DO GET BEATEN TO A PULP BY LUFFY! AND WHEN THEY’RE BEING BEATEN TO A PULP, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CHEERING! And you made a guy like that your HERO. You expect me to look at someone who can’t appreciate the value of dream…and approve of him. Support him.
And he is in the One Piece universe.
DO YOU NOT FUCKING SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? I EVEN DELIVERED THE RANT IN NICE LITTLE PARAGRAPHS TO IT WILL GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!
SOCIOPATHY: 2
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 12
Robin: A minor complaint, but I’m sure the sound you make when you sneer cannot to written as ‘Hmph’. That’s more of a grunt.
THESAURUS RAPE: 2
Robin: So…This…Franky. He joins the Straw Hat crew?
The Girl: *Freezes* Uh…you…you were just leaving Sky Piea, weren’t you?
Robin: Yes. Why? And how would you kno-
The Girl: Well…*Snatches Keyboard of Power and quickly erases last few minutes from Robin’s memory* *Brightly* Let’s carry on then!
Then he thought:
Robin: I sincerely doubt the validity of that statement.
"I have to end this.."
The Girl: *Jaw drops, gestures at screen wildly*
Robin: *Mildly* You have been fighting with him almost as soon as you arrived on the island. And only now, do you realise you actually have to end the fight? That this fighting can’t go on forever? You were not putting any effort into the fighting before? Well, I’m certainly glad the Stuthor didn’t make us read that.
The Girl: I…what…the…YOUR FUCKING CAPTAIN IS FACING A FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! YOUR COMPANIONS ARE FIGHTING A WHOLE ARMY OF FISHMEN! ALL OF THEM NEED YOU HELP, AND YOU WERE JUST SITTING THERE PLAYING SHIRT-RIPPING WITH YOUR OPPONENT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 14
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 4 (Seriously, do most people have to THINK to realise that they should probably not get caught in eternal battles?)
"Hey Tora..." Chase spoke.
The Girl: …Dammit, I want to give him a Department of Redundancy Department count…but it’s so close to ‘he said’ that it’s a valid expression…
Robin: Hey Tora? That…in a very strange name. It must have been hard for him to establish his authority as a First Mate when his name is Hey.
The Girl: In this other fic, there was a character named Hello. And he was in a school.
Robin: Around children? The poor guy…
"What?"
The Girl: ENOUGH WITH THE BANTER! GET ON WITH IT! WHY ARE YOU SITTING AROUND AND CHATTING? KILL HIM WHILST HE’S DISTRACTED WITH TALKING TO YOU! KILL HIM, DAMMIT!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 15 (I would like you to realise that, since the beginning of this chapter, there were 15 opportunities during which the Stus could have been killed. FIFTEEN times we were this close to getting rid of them forever. Now you see why I’m so pissed off.)
"Do you like lightning?"
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* The Stuthor is most assured not suggesting…
The Girl: *Nervous laugh* Of course he’s not. What are you thinking? No one’s that stupid-
"Yeah, it's cool to watch why?"
"Because you're going to love looking at the light thats about to kill you!" Chase pointed a finger at Tora and shot him in the chest with a powerful bolt of lightning kill him.
"Uhhh..." Tora bleed out all over the grass with his eyes rolled back.
"Huh...wow.." Chase fell to the floor from exhaustion.
The Girl: …
Robin: Ah. Now I see why you would need my help.
The Girl: …
Robin: …? Are you alright? Do you not want to rant at this?
The Girl: *Through gritted teeth* Oh, I WILL. There are just a few minor problems, so if you could take care of them for me? I don’t want to run out of steam before I reach the meat of the issue.
Robin: Very well…*Tilts head*
The Girl: *Very calmly* Thank you. Now, please have your Keyboard of Power ready. And Mantra? I’m going to have to steal your gimmick.
*Explodes into giant monster in a blaze of righteous fury*
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING WRITE? WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY RAGE! I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED SUCH AN ACUTE DESIRE TO REACH THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND BRUTALLY CASTRATE SOMEONE! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WROTE THAT? WERE YOU THINKING AT ALL? YOU’RE WRITING FOR ONE PIECE! ONE FUCKING PIECE!
I…I…*ROARS IN FURY*
Okay. I’m sorry I just…exploded there. It’s hard to remain calm in the face of this. Let’s deal with these issues one by one:
You used your powers on him. The claim that you never used your powers on normal people was bullshit when you said it, but I never expected the internal canon rape to get quite this bad. You know, if you character actually stood by that promise, it would make him a halfway interesting character. He knows he will have to fight in order to accomplish his dream, because the legions of admirers are going to die first before they let him get near Luffy’s grave, but he genuinely doesn’t want to hurt people. He knows how destructive people are, so he strives to only use it on badasses who can survive being struck by lightning. Or he’s a cold-blooded monster who loves battle, but his power is so game-breaking that he can’t properly enjoy a fight, since any would be over roughly a second after it starts. So he doesn’t use it in battle, so he can enjoy the fighting more. Those, if written correctly, can be lovely character traits. The former would make your character a genuine hero, and the later…well, just look at how popular Kenpachi is.
But you didn’t.
He didn’t stand by his promise at all.
And the reason he broke his promise here? Because he’s bored.
He’s not finding the battle fun anymore. Things are dragging out too long, and he’s lost interest.
The reason he dropped the only positive character trait he has is because of boredom.
And it’s worse than that. The result of him breaking his promise is DEATH. And he KNEW that.
By breaking his promise, he has doomed another man to DEATH.
And he’s completely okay with that. In fact, he’s so okay with it, he can come up with one liners and witty quips. He’s not even losing badly here, and is just lashing out. Oh no. He knows exactly what kind of situation he’s in, and he made a deliberate decision to murder Tora in cold blood, and then joked about it.
And the Stuthor wants me to believe he’s a hero.
Not only that, he feels no remorse after he’s done the deed, either. Look at his reaction: ‘Huh…Wow…’ He never considers the implication of murder. He never regrets that his hands are officially dirty now. He never thinks about the fact that he took away another man’s life. He’s ruined another man’s dreams, he’s caused his friends grief, he’s taken ANOTHER LIFE. And THAT was his reaction. He’s impressed by his own power. He’s nonchalant about the fried corpse of another person before him. And I’ve read ahead. He never think back to this and feels guilty either. He’s completely and perfectly alright with killing another man.
And the Stuthor thinks this is heroic. The Stuthor think they are the next generation’s Luffy and Zoro. The Stuthor wants me to cheer them on like I cheered on Luffy. THE STUTHOR GENUINELY DOESN’T SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS.
If you can’t see why this is bad, I…Just, go seek help, okay?
And the worst thing, the ABSOLUTE worst thing is: he could have avoided all of this. Tora is said to be seriously injured, literally covered in blood and bruises. He’s exhausted and quite clearly in no condition to fight, hence the reason he participated in the banter. Because he’s quite clearly not in fit position for combat. In these circumstance, a firm punch to the head will quite nicely knock him out.
Tora didn’t have to die. But he was killed. Because the Stu got BORED. Because he can no longer entertain the Stu. Because the Stu was impatient.
He had a dream that we never knew. He could have been an aspiring novelist, or florist, or musician…He could have dreamed of grand adventure. He could genuinely have believed that he was doing the right thing, he could have been aiming for world peace. But he won’t ever achieve that. He won’t even have his dream anymore, because he’s DEAD. And the Stu killed him because he was BORED.
OUR HERO JUST COMMITTED MURDER, AND STILL EXPECTS ME TO REGARD THEM AS HEROIC.
AND THIS IS THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE.
SOCIOPATHY: 7 (AND DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THEY DIDN’T DESERVE THAT!)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 5
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 5
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 2 (Retroactively, for Avery surviving several lightning bolts to the chest)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 13
THESAURUS RAPE: 3
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 10 (No, really? He fell to the floor? I was certain that he would fall to the ceiling! And he fell from exhaustion? Really? I thought he fell from nervousness! Silly me!)
Robin: *Brushes debris off her clothes* That wasn’t quite as bad. I didn’t even have to use the Keyboard of Power. You seemed to calm yourself down pretty well.
The Girl: *Despair* Would you believe me if I told you this is not the worst?
Robin: If you are telling the truth then…well, it would certainly be very impressive. I can’t imagine how anyone would be able to top something like thi-
"Well we cleared the whole island of the Fishmen.." Riru grunted as she piled the last bit of Fishmen into their rowboat.
Robin: -s. I…take back what I said. Wow.
The Girl: *Breaks down into broken whimpers*
Robin: The sheer level of stupidity displayed here is just…stunning. I…have no words. I propose that the Stuthor is not human. There is no way a human can ever write that and convince themselves it was good enough for the entire world to see. Not even a brain-damaged human is that stupid.
The Girl: Do I need to go over this again? Do I need to point out how WRONG it is to murder an entire army of people again? Do I? Again, I’ll just say that the heroes have just slaughtered hundreds, if not thousands of people. And that was her reaction. Disgruntlement. She’s upset that she had to do so much word, because killing people sure take a lot out of you, you know! And we’re still meant to see them as heroes. *Cries*
Robin: Certainly a minor complaint compared to that, but can you please keep Riru’s characterisation consistent? When she first appeared, she was a conniving thief who’s a brilliant actor and tactician. Then, she was a shrieking harpy and action girl out for revenge. Then, she’s an emotionless fighter who always remains calm. Then, she’s a fussy nurse who hovers over her patients. Then, she’s a timid and frail little damsel who’s scared to be left alone. Then, she’s a remorseless mass murderer. And now she’s disgruntled, scruffy blood knight. What on earth are you aiming for here? Every time the character comes on stage, she has a different personality. Did you have any idea what her character is?
The Girl: And I notice that you spend literally thousands of words detailing every moment of your two main Stu’s fights, but completely skip over Riru and Avery. We’ve had, what, four of five sentences of them in action? Now, why is that? David and Chase are in very similar situations, and their scenes read exactly the same! Avery and Riru would actually provide some variety, as they are fighting against a horde, not in single combat! But you skip it over…in favour of focusing on the main Stus. THAT IS NOT GOOD! Really, I don’t want to read any more of this drivel than I have to, but completely skipping over main characters because you have a favourite is NOT GOOD! One Piece had a huge cast, and the artist still spent equal amounts of times between them! Because he knows authorial favouritism is VERY, VERY BAD!
Robin: And I don’t understand the scene changes either. What is the point of skipping around like this? We don’t learn anything wrong in each scene, and nothing remarkable is happening at all. Why do these scenes need to be here in the first place? When an author skips to another scene, it’s usually because something important and plot-central is happening at that location AND the current one, and not showing either would confuse the readers and muddle up the plot. What, exact, is happening here? Or in any of the previous scenes? We don’t gain any new information. We’re just reading the exact same scenes over and over again, with different names substituted.
The Girl: *Pleading* Please, can we move on? I don’t think I can stand to look at that sentence any longer without exploding again…
Robin: Of course. Would you like your Keyboard back?
The Girl: *Nervous laugh* Would you believe me if I said it gets worse?
Robin: …I…*Speechless*
SOCIOPATHY: 12 (THEY MURDERED AN ENTIRE BEACH OF PEOPLE, AND ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS! I DON’T FUCKING CARE, THEY DESERVE THIS! And did you see that? She referred to the corpses of the fishmen as ‘bits’. She’s not even thinking about them as people anymore. They’re literally chunks of flesh to her, even though she was the one who took their life.)
"Great, now here they go!" Avery cocked his fist back,
Robin: Please, Stuthor, I’ve only read half of a chapter of your fic, and I’ve already seen that phrase far too many times to count. There are more than one way to describe someone punching something. Please, learn how to use a thesaurus. In fact, learn how to write in English. In fact, don’t write at all until you’ve left primary school.
"Wind Force!" He called throwing a punch that blew the boat through the ocean.
The Girl: …What? Is this some kind of obscure pirate ritual, or what?
Robin: …I am not aware of any such ritual. What on earth is he doing?
The Girl: I…have no idea. They…apparently walked all over the beach, picking up every bit of dead fishmen they could find, loaded it into the boat…and then sent the boat out on sea? What?
Robin: How would that even worked, disregarding the motive? Their rowboat was tiny. It sat four people, and was small enough for one man to row it. They slaughtered hundreds of fishmen. There is absolutely no way they could have fitted them all onto the ship, even if the fishmen were reduced to mince. And how on earth do they plan to leave the island? They only have four people, so they can’t take the Shark King’s ship, because it will be too big for them to sail. The only way they can get off the island is by the rowboat, and he just sent it out to sea? And how are you meant to blow something THROUGH the ocean? Shouldn’t it be across the ocean? Through implies that they’ve somehow made the boat a submarine, and it’s diving into the sea.
The Girl: And what is with the calling out attack names? The canon characters did that for a particularly epic attack, usually the FINAL move in battle, because it was climatic and awesome. It also improved their morale and confused enemies. Avery, here, is alone on a beach with a mountain of corpses and his friend. Why does he need to be all dramatic? Does he just like showing off that much? Or did you actually believe that unless you yelled the attack name out loud, you can’t launch the attack? If so…JESUS, JELLYFISH ARE SMARTER THAN YOU!
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 6
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 6
THESAURUS RAPE: 4
"Now let's go find Chase and David!" Riru smiled as she dusted her hands off.
The Girl: She is smiling. After having killed a whole army of people. She is SMILING.
SOCIOPATHY: 13
Robin: Dear? Dusting your hands won’t get rid of the blood. You’ve just spent the past hour or so picking up dismember limbs.
The Girl: *Laughs* Are you kidding me? NOTHING will wash the blood off HER hands.
"Right." Avery nooded as they ran further into the island.
Robin: So…like I said, this scene had no purpose, then?
The Girl: Did this entire fic have a purpose? I suspect the Stuthor’s actively trying to make me more angry now. Why else insert a scene of the heroes slaughtering an entire army, right after a Stu commits fucking MURDER?
Robin: Probably the worst is, as you’ve said before, this could have been avoided. Avery had wind powers. As we’ve seen from elemental fruit users, they can turn themselves into the element their devil fruit gave them control over. He could have turned himself into wind and evaded their defence lines entirely. And Riru supposedly had super speed. She has displayed the ability to run faster than the eye can see. She could get past the fishmen without hurting anyone at all. And by doing so, both of them could help out their captain and crew mates. But they chose to kill every single last one of the pirates present, for apparently no reason.
The Girl: You know, we haven’t even seen those pirates do anything bad. Every single villain we encountered in canon at least did some seriously repulsive things. All we saw was Tora collecting taxes from a village. They were being threatening, sure, but they’re never described to hurt people. And these fishmen who were just killed certainly was never shown to do anything bad. For all they knew, a group of hostile pirates just invaded, and they were defending their island. They were protecting their friends. The villains, in this fic, can genuinely claim moral superiority over the heroes. That is just…sad. I probably should be enraged, but this is just…pathetic.
Robin: It actually sends a chill down my spine, especially when I consider that the Stuthor holds these exact same values in real life. He genuinely believes that if someone stands in his way and inconveniences him, no matter what their reason, they deserve to be slaughtered.
The Girl: *Shudders* Gah…That’s creepy…
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 3
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 1
I've calmed down a bit, seeing as it's my second time sporking this section, so there's not as much capslock as I though there would be, but there's still ranting in very large font.
The next sections are probably going to take a long time, because they're not rage inducing. They're no THAT bad...they're just dull. However, I fully intend to write a spite fic later, so you guys have something to read while I trudge on. And I have a lovely idea for this journal...I'm just waiting for someone's permission before I could do it.
That said, please enjoy:
.
"Hahaha!" Tora laughed
The Girl: *Eyes briefly go blank* Robin? I need you to do something.
Robin: Yes?
The Girl: I’ve…Look, it’s complicated…but I know what’s going to happen next, and it’s not going to be pretty. I’m going to explode a lot of times in this section and the next, so I need you to restrain me.
Robin: Is it really that bad?
The Girl: Oh yes. You wouldn’t believe it. So, here, take this. *Hands over a keyboard*
Robin: *Takes keyboard and raises eyebrows*
The Girl: Just…see the letters on the keys? Yeah, type out something on that, and this dimension would shift according to what you typed down. If I die or explode in this chapter, I need you to put me back together.
Robin: Interesting device. So, with this, I am omnipotent in this dimension?
The Girl: That’s why I asked for you as a sporking partner. The others would abuse it to summon endless supplies of alcohol…or hot women…or food…
Robin: *Amused* I see. Very well, then.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 11
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 8
as he stood bloodied and beaten over Chase,
Robin: I see it is only the villains that are said to be injured in battle at all. Despite Chase being the supposed loser of this fight, he is never described as bruised or bleeding. It’s only the villains who are affected by combat. Authorial favouritism is never good, Stuthor, and this just shows us how reluctant you are to put your creations in any kind of danger. This is the quickest way to make a reader lose interest, I’m sure you English teacher would have told you that.
The Girl: I still can’t wrap my brains around the fact that this Stuthor actually went to school at one point. He has actually taken an English class, and he writes things like, “‘Haha.’ He laughed.”
Robin: I wonder if I should pity or rage at his teacher.
The Girl: Have you been reading the last section? Have you seen how high the Just Kill Him, Dammit count is? I doubt anyone could counter that much stupidity.
"I win.." Tora mocked
The Girl: *Mockingly* Aw~ Is the little, wittle Stu’s feeeeeelings hurt?
Robin: How does that constitute mocking at all? He is stating a perfectly valid fact. He doesn’t even seem to be rubbing it in too much. A seasoned pirate can think up far more cutting remarks if he wanted to.
THESAURUS RAPE: 1
The Girl: I have a vague suspicion that anything the Stuthor doesn’t like is immediately taken as an insult. It’s not an uncommon attitude amongst their kind.
Robin: Then they must lead terribly empty lives, seeing as they are depriving themselves of the chance to grow.
The Girl: Oh, but why would they want to grow? They’re just so PERFECT the way they are! How on earth can they be improved? *Gags*
as his shirt was ripped off.
The Girl: O_O
Robin: …That…is a very strange victory ritual. I was not aware of that tradition amongst fishmen or pirates.
The Girl: I…MOVING ON! I’M JUST MOVING ON! *Turns to Robin* AND WE’RE NEVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.
"No ya don't..." Chase stood
The Girl: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? HE WAS LYING ON THE GROUND! HE WAS TOO WEAK TO FUCKING STAND! HE WAS INJURED ENOUGH THAT TORA WAS ASSURED OF HIS DEFEAT! TORA PROBABLY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PIRATES FUCKING DO TO THEIR OPPONENTS! HOW THE FUCK IS HE JUST STANDING UP? WE DON’T EVEN GET ANY MENTION OF HIM STAGGERING! HE’S APPARENTLY JUST PEACHY FINE! SO HOW WOULD TORA THINK HE WON? YOU’D THINK A PIRATE WHO’S BEEN IN BATTLE BEFORE WOULD RECOGNISE WHEN A PERSON IS GENUINELY KNOCKED OUT! AND WHAT IS THE FUCKING PURPOSE OF THE START OF THIS CHAPTER? WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING YOUR VILLAIN GLOAT FOR TWO FUCKING LINES BEFORE THE STATUS QUO IS RETURNED? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF PUTTING YOUR READERS THROUGH ALL OF THAT IF YOU’RE GOING TO RENDER EVERYTHING NULL TWO SETENCES AFTERWARDS? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINTS? AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Robin: *Dumps bucket of cold water on top of the girl with Keyboard of Power* Better?
The Girl: *Crankily* No. I’m wet.
Robin: *Dries her* Is this what you were talking about?
The Girl: Thanks. *Dry laugh* Oh, no. You have no idea. This is not even close to the worst.
Robin: Well, I must also point out…What was Tora doing gloating anyways? He had the Stu utterly helpless, so why not kill him and then gloat? He knows the Stu’s strength; he’s seen him wipe out his entire crew with a finger snap. After something like that, I find it very hard to believe that he would let his guard down enough to gloat when there is a chance that the Stu is still conscious. He’s essentially risking his life here just to get a few words in. That is not how a pirate act. If this is the way he treats a powerful enemy, he most certainly wouldn’t have survived long enough to become the First Mate of a Shichibukai.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 12
with his shirt completely torn off as well.
The Girl: DAMMIT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING THAT UP?
Robin: Really, what were they doing with their shirts off? If doesn’t help them fight any better, as a shirt does not restrict movement much anyways. They were both supposedly fighting with their fists, so I don’t see how the shirt could be damaged enough to fall off on its own. The only way this makes sense is if they deliberately tore each other’s clothes off, in which case…
The Girl: No! Stop that! *Flails*
"Why do you still fight?"
The Girl: …What?
Robin: You are under orders to kill him. He is still alive. Why are you not killing him? What does it matter to you the reason he keeps fighting? All you have to do is kill him, and you can get back to drinking cocktails and admiring the sunset. Kill him.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 13
The Girl: Oh…this is going to be another one of those pointless banter scenes, isn’t it? Dammit, I hate those. I HATE those. But seriously, why do you even have to ask? YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL HIM! OF COURSE HE WOULD FIGHT BACK! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO? SIT THERE AND LET YOU KILL HIM?
Robin: Isn’t that exactly what the villains in this fic do? I wonder if they were trained to sit there and not fight back whilst a teenaged rookie pirate whales on them, so when it comes to combat, they genuinely cannot understand why anyone to fight back.
The Girl: …Wow. Now I almost feel bad for him…Not bad enough to withdraw this though:
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 2
"Becaue I have a dream...and so do my friends! For that I will live!"
Robin: Yes. So? You’re not answering his question.
The Girl: Actually, this is…well, a sign of what’s to come, and it’s one of the things I wanted to rant about.
- What you have is not a dream. Let’s take the dream of some of the canon characters and compare them to yours, shall we? Luffy’s dream is to become the pirate king, because he spent time with an awesome pirate growing up, was saved by one, and loved a life of adventure and fun. He was influenced by a love one. He didn’t want to become a pirate king for the power or the money, but simply for the sake of enjoying life. He’s careful not to hurt anyone in the accomplishment of his dreams, only picking fights with direct rivals, and never harming them so badly that a stay at the hospital can’t fix it. If he did accomplish this dream, the world would benefit from it, as he would be able to organise the pirates, reduce chaos, rally them into a force that can stand up to the world government, and reduce looting and pillaging. Zoro’s dream was to become the best swordsman in the world, also because of a promise with a childhood friend. He’s chasing after this dream because of his deep connection with his first crush, and is basically doing this as a way of commemorating her memory and her dreams. He’s doing it, essentially, out of love. He is also careful not to hurt anyone, again, only fighting direct competitors, and makes sure that he strikes with the back of his blade, so that no one is killed. No one is going to be hurt if he becomes the best swordsman in the world, either. Chopper’s dream is to find a medicine that can cure all diseases, because that was the dream of his adoptive father. He’s also doing this to honour a loved one’s memory, and he’s looking to benefit the world. His dream wouldn’t hurt anyone at all, and I don’t think I need to point out how it would benefit the world.
- Your dream? Your dream is to rob a canon character’s grave and claim his prized possessions for your own. You got this dream…from your ass, apparently. Because I see no mention of any loved ones who could have influenced you. You already had the dream when you met David. Apparently, you just woke one day and decided that Luffy didn’t deserve his straw hat, YOU DID. Your dream has no scale, each of the main character’s dreams I’ve mentioned, if achieved, would change the climate of the entire world. Yours would not. All you would succeed in is enraging all the admirers of Luffy. Absolutely no one benefits from your dream except yourself. And in order to accomplish your dream, you have to desecrate the memories of a great man and defile his grave. And you are completely okay with that. That is not a dream.
- Dreams are a very important concept in One Piece. The entire series is one long Aesop about how as long as you have a dream, you can achieve anything. It’s a love song to the power of determination. To claim you have a dream is a huge thing in One Piece. And this is not a dream. It is an insult to all the dreams we are shown in canon. It may be an ambition. It may be a goal. But it’s definitely not a dream in the One Piece sense of the world.
- Your friends do not have dreams. David does not have a dream for the same reason I outlined above. You’ve never even asked Avery and Riru what they wanted to do. For all we know, those two don’t have dreams.
- What does your friends having dreams have anything to do with the question asked? Why did you even bring it up? Okay, they have dreams…so? Why would that encourage you to fight Tora? Do you even remember your motive anymore? You’re in this fight because you want to liberate East Blue, because you’re being oh so heroic. This has nothing to do with Avery and Riru’s dreams, whatever the hell they are, and it most certainly has nothing to do with David’s dream. So you’re definitely not fighting so they can get closer to their dream. Are you saying you can’t die, because they need your help in accomplishing their dreams? How? Again, we don’t even know what these characters want!
- Yes. You have to live. You know what would be a great way to live? RUN AWAY FROM THE FIGHT! If you’re not in a fight to the death, your chances of survival will be much greater! If your chief desire was to live, you would not be in this fight! He asked you why you are fighting! As stupid as that question is, ‘I have to live’ is not an answer, because there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from running away! Did you forget you’re as fast as lightning or what?
- HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR MOTIVE? THE CORRECT ANSWER HERE IS ‘YOU’RE OPPRESSING MY FRIEND’S FAMILY AND FRIENDS, SO I HAVE TO STOP YOU!’ THAT IS WHY YOU’RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! THAT’S SUPPOSEDLY THE REASON YOU FOUGHT HIM THE FIRST TIME YOU MET! THAT’S MEANT TO BE THE REASON YOU FIGHT! STOP RAPING YOUR OWN CANON, DAMMIT!
The Girl: I’ve also found the need to start a new count, ‘Sociopathy’. This count will not only cover all sociopathic behaviour exhibited by our supposed heroes, and trust me, there’s a lot of that, but it will also cover all instances where the Stus shit on One Piece’s ideals in the name of being cool.
SOCIOPATHY: 1
Robin: *Shakes head* Are you alright? Do you need some intervention?
The Girl: *Drily* You know, I’m starting to regret giving you the Keyboard of Power. You seem just as eager to use it.
Robin: Well, there are few who can resist absolute power. *Turns to fic* But that is very bad indeed…are you sure he doesn’t deserve two counts?
The Girl: You can be quite spiteful, you know that?
Robin: *Smiles* Why, whatever would give you that idea?
"Well so do I! We don't always get what we want fool!"
Robin: You’re not going to start sharing your dream as well, are you? Given the standard of the dreams this Stuthor think up, it would be wise to keep your mouth shut.
The Girl: I have no idea what the Stuthor was going for with this line. He seems to imply that Tora had a dream as well, but was disillusioned and thus gave up…which makes no sense, because this never gets elaborated upon, and it just seems like a random piece of characterisation randomly tossed at us for absolutely no reason…I’m confused.
Robin: Nothing in this fic has made sense so far, but I can’t help but expect some modicum of logic from it.
The Girl: Oh well. I’ll just assume he’s doing his Mr. T impersonation for fun…
"Hmph..." Chase sneered.
Robin: Sneered? Are you sure he is not the villain of this piece? He’s acting more and more like Crocodile by the second, and he’s definitely not a very pleasant man.
The Girl: No, Crocodile is better than the Stu. At least he’s awesome. This…Okay, Stuthor, I realise you probably don’t realise what you’re doing, but you’ve set up Tora’s situation as pretty similar to that of Franky. And there lies your downfall:
Franky started out as an enemy of the Straw Hat Pirates. They go to his stronghold and beat him up, for a very good reason. The townspeople were terrified of him. He used to have a dream, but more or less gave up due to disillusionment. He was a major asshole when he showed up, and I was cheering when he got his comeuppance.
He seems to be prime villain material, doesn’t he?
But he’s not a villain. He joins the Straw Hat Pirates as a main character. He becomes a HERO.
And his main redeeming factor? The fact that he had a dream.
Having a dream in One Piece is serious business. If you have a dream, you’re guaranteed to be a hero, if not become one of the main characters on the show. You cannot find me one single character who has a dream, and is not portrayed in a positive light.
And your hero’s reaction to the fact that Tora has a dream? His reaction to finding out that the person he’s beating up is essentially a misguided good guy, and would have become a hero in the main verse? He SNEERS.
He’s DISDAINFUL of the fact that Tora has a dream. He is MOCKING someone’s dream. He couldn’t care less about how they are not so different.
Actually, I’ve seen that kind of behaviour in canon before…FROM THE FUCKING VILLAINS! THE EVIL PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE WHO I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE! THE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO BE BEATEN TO A PULP BY LUFFY! THE PEOPLE WHO DO GET BEATEN TO A PULP BY LUFFY! AND WHEN THEY’RE BEING BEATEN TO A PULP, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CHEERING! And you made a guy like that your HERO. You expect me to look at someone who can’t appreciate the value of dream…and approve of him. Support him.
And he is in the One Piece universe.
DO YOU NOT FUCKING SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? I EVEN DELIVERED THE RANT IN NICE LITTLE PARAGRAPHS TO IT WILL GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!
SOCIOPATHY: 2
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 12
Robin: A minor complaint, but I’m sure the sound you make when you sneer cannot to written as ‘Hmph’. That’s more of a grunt.
THESAURUS RAPE: 2
Robin: So…This…Franky. He joins the Straw Hat crew?
The Girl: *Freezes* Uh…you…you were just leaving Sky Piea, weren’t you?
Robin: Yes. Why? And how would you kno-
The Girl: Well…*Snatches Keyboard of Power and quickly erases last few minutes from Robin’s memory* *Brightly* Let’s carry on then!
Then he thought:
Robin: I sincerely doubt the validity of that statement.
"I have to end this.."
The Girl: *Jaw drops, gestures at screen wildly*
Robin: *Mildly* You have been fighting with him almost as soon as you arrived on the island. And only now, do you realise you actually have to end the fight? That this fighting can’t go on forever? You were not putting any effort into the fighting before? Well, I’m certainly glad the Stuthor didn’t make us read that.
The Girl: I…what…the…YOUR FUCKING CAPTAIN IS FACING A FORMER SHICHIBUKAI! YOUR COMPANIONS ARE FIGHTING A WHOLE ARMY OF FISHMEN! ALL OF THEM NEED YOU HELP, AND YOU WERE JUST SITTING THERE PLAYING SHIRT-RIPPING WITH YOUR OPPONENT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 14
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 4 (Seriously, do most people have to THINK to realise that they should probably not get caught in eternal battles?)
"Hey Tora..." Chase spoke.
The Girl: …Dammit, I want to give him a Department of Redundancy Department count…but it’s so close to ‘he said’ that it’s a valid expression…
Robin: Hey Tora? That…in a very strange name. It must have been hard for him to establish his authority as a First Mate when his name is Hey.
The Girl: In this other fic, there was a character named Hello. And he was in a school.
Robin: Around children? The poor guy…
"What?"
The Girl: ENOUGH WITH THE BANTER! GET ON WITH IT! WHY ARE YOU SITTING AROUND AND CHATTING? KILL HIM WHILST HE’S DISTRACTED WITH TALKING TO YOU! KILL HIM, DAMMIT!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 15 (I would like you to realise that, since the beginning of this chapter, there were 15 opportunities during which the Stus could have been killed. FIFTEEN times we were this close to getting rid of them forever. Now you see why I’m so pissed off.)
"Do you like lightning?"
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* The Stuthor is most assured not suggesting…
The Girl: *Nervous laugh* Of course he’s not. What are you thinking? No one’s that stupid-
"Yeah, it's cool to watch why?"
"Because you're going to love looking at the light thats about to kill you!" Chase pointed a finger at Tora and shot him in the chest with a powerful bolt of lightning kill him.
"Uhhh..." Tora bleed out all over the grass with his eyes rolled back.
"Huh...wow.." Chase fell to the floor from exhaustion.
The Girl: …
Robin: Ah. Now I see why you would need my help.
The Girl: …
Robin: …? Are you alright? Do you not want to rant at this?
The Girl: *Through gritted teeth* Oh, I WILL. There are just a few minor problems, so if you could take care of them for me? I don’t want to run out of steam before I reach the meat of the issue.
Robin: Very well…*Tilts head*
- The intelligence level of the characters in this fic is simply…depressing. It is said that an author cannot write characters more intelligent than he/she is, which makes me very worried about the mental condition of the Stuthor. I’m fairly sure it’s not normal to be this oblivious and imbecilic. You are fighting someone with established lightning powers. He asks you if you like lightning. What on earth did you think was going to happen? You are engaged in a fight to the death. Did you honestly think he would stop for a random chat?
- Actually, it wouldn’t be that out of character for him to do exactly that. Do you see the problem with this, Stuthor? I can perfectly imagine your characters halting a fight to the death to discuss their favourite weather patterns. This is beyond bad writing. I cannot fathom how you ever thought this was good enough for public distribution.
- Even when he’s committing murder, the Stu is certainly still very conscious about maintaining his flair. He could have generated lightning without warning, but he must make an over-the-top gesture, just so he will look more ‘cool’. He is fighting against an experienced pirate who knows his powers. If Tora was anything close to a normal pirate, must less one qualified for running the crew of a Shichibukai, he would have been able to step out of the way in more than enough time. Lightning may strike at the speed of light, but you most certainly cannot make dramatic gestures at the speed of light.
- Avery got hit by the exact same attack a few chapters ago, and was completely unaffected. There was no pain describe, he’s not handicapped in any way, he went straight back to fighting almost immediately, and did just as well as he was doing before he got struck by lightning. And yet the same attack is suddenly lethal to Tora, who is a fishman and therefore stronger and more durable than humans. Why? In fact, Tora was said to have defeated Avery before. So why does it do him in when Avery can take a few lightning bolts to the chest with absolutely no ill effects?
- People do not spurt blood when they are struck by lightning. They are either reduced to ashes, or have severe burns all over their body. They would not bleed because lightning has a high temperature and would cauterise any wounds instantaneously.
- Where are they fighting? ‘Floor’ implies man-made structures, like marble tiles or in-laid panels of wood. Tora passed out on the grass, and yet Chase passed out on the floor. Were they fighting in a doorway?
- Why would he pass out from exhaustion? The only times using your devil fruit powers would tire you out, would be when you start using it far too creatively, making it do things it was not designed to do, and/or making physical alterations to your own body with your powers. Chase is doing exactly what his power is designed to do here: conjuring lightning. There is absolutely no reason at all for him to pass out. Eneru did not faint when he smote a few people. Your Stu shouldn’t either.
The Girl: *Very calmly* Thank you. Now, please have your Keyboard of Power ready. And Mantra? I’m going to have to steal your gimmick.
*Explodes into giant monster in a blaze of righteous fury*
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING WRITE? WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY RAGE! I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED SUCH AN ACUTE DESIRE TO REACH THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND BRUTALLY CASTRATE SOMEONE! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WROTE THAT? WERE YOU THINKING AT ALL? YOU’RE WRITING FOR ONE PIECE! ONE FUCKING PIECE!
I…I…*ROARS IN FURY*
Okay. I’m sorry I just…exploded there. It’s hard to remain calm in the face of this. Let’s deal with these issues one by one:
You used your powers on him. The claim that you never used your powers on normal people was bullshit when you said it, but I never expected the internal canon rape to get quite this bad. You know, if you character actually stood by that promise, it would make him a halfway interesting character. He knows he will have to fight in order to accomplish his dream, because the legions of admirers are going to die first before they let him get near Luffy’s grave, but he genuinely doesn’t want to hurt people. He knows how destructive people are, so he strives to only use it on badasses who can survive being struck by lightning. Or he’s a cold-blooded monster who loves battle, but his power is so game-breaking that he can’t properly enjoy a fight, since any would be over roughly a second after it starts. So he doesn’t use it in battle, so he can enjoy the fighting more. Those, if written correctly, can be lovely character traits. The former would make your character a genuine hero, and the later…well, just look at how popular Kenpachi is.
But you didn’t.
He didn’t stand by his promise at all.
And the reason he broke his promise here? Because he’s bored.
He’s not finding the battle fun anymore. Things are dragging out too long, and he’s lost interest.
The reason he dropped the only positive character trait he has is because of boredom.
And it’s worse than that. The result of him breaking his promise is DEATH. And he KNEW that.
By breaking his promise, he has doomed another man to DEATH.
And he’s completely okay with that. In fact, he’s so okay with it, he can come up with one liners and witty quips. He’s not even losing badly here, and is just lashing out. Oh no. He knows exactly what kind of situation he’s in, and he made a deliberate decision to murder Tora in cold blood, and then joked about it.
And the Stuthor wants me to believe he’s a hero.
Not only that, he feels no remorse after he’s done the deed, either. Look at his reaction: ‘Huh…Wow…’ He never considers the implication of murder. He never regrets that his hands are officially dirty now. He never thinks about the fact that he took away another man’s life. He’s ruined another man’s dreams, he’s caused his friends grief, he’s taken ANOTHER LIFE. And THAT was his reaction. He’s impressed by his own power. He’s nonchalant about the fried corpse of another person before him. And I’ve read ahead. He never think back to this and feels guilty either. He’s completely and perfectly alright with killing another man.
And the Stuthor thinks this is heroic. The Stuthor think they are the next generation’s Luffy and Zoro. The Stuthor wants me to cheer them on like I cheered on Luffy. THE STUTHOR GENUINELY DOESN’T SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS.
If you can’t see why this is bad, I…Just, go seek help, okay?
And the worst thing, the ABSOLUTE worst thing is: he could have avoided all of this. Tora is said to be seriously injured, literally covered in blood and bruises. He’s exhausted and quite clearly in no condition to fight, hence the reason he participated in the banter. Because he’s quite clearly not in fit position for combat. In these circumstance, a firm punch to the head will quite nicely knock him out.
Tora didn’t have to die. But he was killed. Because the Stu got BORED. Because he can no longer entertain the Stu. Because the Stu was impatient.
He had a dream that we never knew. He could have been an aspiring novelist, or florist, or musician…He could have dreamed of grand adventure. He could genuinely have believed that he was doing the right thing, he could have been aiming for world peace. But he won’t ever achieve that. He won’t even have his dream anymore, because he’s DEAD. And the Stu killed him because he was BORED.
OUR HERO JUST COMMITTED MURDER, AND STILL EXPECTS ME TO REGARD THEM AS HEROIC.
AND THIS IS THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE.
SOCIOPATHY: 7 (AND DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THEY DIDN’T DESERVE THAT!)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 5
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 5
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 2 (Retroactively, for Avery surviving several lightning bolts to the chest)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 13
THESAURUS RAPE: 3
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 10 (No, really? He fell to the floor? I was certain that he would fall to the ceiling! And he fell from exhaustion? Really? I thought he fell from nervousness! Silly me!)
Robin: *Brushes debris off her clothes* That wasn’t quite as bad. I didn’t even have to use the Keyboard of Power. You seemed to calm yourself down pretty well.
The Girl: *Despair* Would you believe me if I told you this is not the worst?
Robin: If you are telling the truth then…well, it would certainly be very impressive. I can’t imagine how anyone would be able to top something like thi-
"Well we cleared the whole island of the Fishmen.." Riru grunted as she piled the last bit of Fishmen into their rowboat.
Robin: -s. I…take back what I said. Wow.
The Girl: *Breaks down into broken whimpers*
Robin: The sheer level of stupidity displayed here is just…stunning. I…have no words. I propose that the Stuthor is not human. There is no way a human can ever write that and convince themselves it was good enough for the entire world to see. Not even a brain-damaged human is that stupid.
The Girl: Do I need to go over this again? Do I need to point out how WRONG it is to murder an entire army of people again? Do I? Again, I’ll just say that the heroes have just slaughtered hundreds, if not thousands of people. And that was her reaction. Disgruntlement. She’s upset that she had to do so much word, because killing people sure take a lot out of you, you know! And we’re still meant to see them as heroes. *Cries*
Robin: Certainly a minor complaint compared to that, but can you please keep Riru’s characterisation consistent? When she first appeared, she was a conniving thief who’s a brilliant actor and tactician. Then, she was a shrieking harpy and action girl out for revenge. Then, she’s an emotionless fighter who always remains calm. Then, she’s a fussy nurse who hovers over her patients. Then, she’s a timid and frail little damsel who’s scared to be left alone. Then, she’s a remorseless mass murderer. And now she’s disgruntled, scruffy blood knight. What on earth are you aiming for here? Every time the character comes on stage, she has a different personality. Did you have any idea what her character is?
The Girl: And I notice that you spend literally thousands of words detailing every moment of your two main Stu’s fights, but completely skip over Riru and Avery. We’ve had, what, four of five sentences of them in action? Now, why is that? David and Chase are in very similar situations, and their scenes read exactly the same! Avery and Riru would actually provide some variety, as they are fighting against a horde, not in single combat! But you skip it over…in favour of focusing on the main Stus. THAT IS NOT GOOD! Really, I don’t want to read any more of this drivel than I have to, but completely skipping over main characters because you have a favourite is NOT GOOD! One Piece had a huge cast, and the artist still spent equal amounts of times between them! Because he knows authorial favouritism is VERY, VERY BAD!
Robin: And I don’t understand the scene changes either. What is the point of skipping around like this? We don’t learn anything wrong in each scene, and nothing remarkable is happening at all. Why do these scenes need to be here in the first place? When an author skips to another scene, it’s usually because something important and plot-central is happening at that location AND the current one, and not showing either would confuse the readers and muddle up the plot. What, exact, is happening here? Or in any of the previous scenes? We don’t gain any new information. We’re just reading the exact same scenes over and over again, with different names substituted.
The Girl: *Pleading* Please, can we move on? I don’t think I can stand to look at that sentence any longer without exploding again…
Robin: Of course. Would you like your Keyboard back?
The Girl: *Nervous laugh* Would you believe me if I said it gets worse?
Robin: …I…*Speechless*
SOCIOPATHY: 12 (THEY MURDERED AN ENTIRE BEACH OF PEOPLE, AND ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS! I DON’T FUCKING CARE, THEY DESERVE THIS! And did you see that? She referred to the corpses of the fishmen as ‘bits’. She’s not even thinking about them as people anymore. They’re literally chunks of flesh to her, even though she was the one who took their life.)
"Great, now here they go!" Avery cocked his fist back,
Robin: Please, Stuthor, I’ve only read half of a chapter of your fic, and I’ve already seen that phrase far too many times to count. There are more than one way to describe someone punching something. Please, learn how to use a thesaurus. In fact, learn how to write in English. In fact, don’t write at all until you’ve left primary school.
"Wind Force!" He called throwing a punch that blew the boat through the ocean.
The Girl: …What? Is this some kind of obscure pirate ritual, or what?
Robin: …I am not aware of any such ritual. What on earth is he doing?
The Girl: I…have no idea. They…apparently walked all over the beach, picking up every bit of dead fishmen they could find, loaded it into the boat…and then sent the boat out on sea? What?
Robin: How would that even worked, disregarding the motive? Their rowboat was tiny. It sat four people, and was small enough for one man to row it. They slaughtered hundreds of fishmen. There is absolutely no way they could have fitted them all onto the ship, even if the fishmen were reduced to mince. And how on earth do they plan to leave the island? They only have four people, so they can’t take the Shark King’s ship, because it will be too big for them to sail. The only way they can get off the island is by the rowboat, and he just sent it out to sea? And how are you meant to blow something THROUGH the ocean? Shouldn’t it be across the ocean? Through implies that they’ve somehow made the boat a submarine, and it’s diving into the sea.
The Girl: And what is with the calling out attack names? The canon characters did that for a particularly epic attack, usually the FINAL move in battle, because it was climatic and awesome. It also improved their morale and confused enemies. Avery, here, is alone on a beach with a mountain of corpses and his friend. Why does he need to be all dramatic? Does he just like showing off that much? Or did you actually believe that unless you yelled the attack name out loud, you can’t launch the attack? If so…JESUS, JELLYFISH ARE SMARTER THAN YOU!
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 6
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 6
THESAURUS RAPE: 4
"Now let's go find Chase and David!" Riru smiled as she dusted her hands off.
The Girl: She is smiling. After having killed a whole army of people. She is SMILING.
SOCIOPATHY: 13
Robin: Dear? Dusting your hands won’t get rid of the blood. You’ve just spent the past hour or so picking up dismember limbs.
The Girl: *Laughs* Are you kidding me? NOTHING will wash the blood off HER hands.
"Right." Avery nooded as they ran further into the island.
Robin: So…like I said, this scene had no purpose, then?
The Girl: Did this entire fic have a purpose? I suspect the Stuthor’s actively trying to make me more angry now. Why else insert a scene of the heroes slaughtering an entire army, right after a Stu commits fucking MURDER?
Robin: Probably the worst is, as you’ve said before, this could have been avoided. Avery had wind powers. As we’ve seen from elemental fruit users, they can turn themselves into the element their devil fruit gave them control over. He could have turned himself into wind and evaded their defence lines entirely. And Riru supposedly had super speed. She has displayed the ability to run faster than the eye can see. She could get past the fishmen without hurting anyone at all. And by doing so, both of them could help out their captain and crew mates. But they chose to kill every single last one of the pirates present, for apparently no reason.
The Girl: You know, we haven’t even seen those pirates do anything bad. Every single villain we encountered in canon at least did some seriously repulsive things. All we saw was Tora collecting taxes from a village. They were being threatening, sure, but they’re never described to hurt people. And these fishmen who were just killed certainly was never shown to do anything bad. For all they knew, a group of hostile pirates just invaded, and they were defending their island. They were protecting their friends. The villains, in this fic, can genuinely claim moral superiority over the heroes. That is just…sad. I probably should be enraged, but this is just…pathetic.
Robin: It actually sends a chill down my spine, especially when I consider that the Stuthor holds these exact same values in real life. He genuinely believes that if someone stands in his way and inconveniences him, no matter what their reason, they deserve to be slaughtered.
The Girl: *Shudders* Gah…That’s creepy…
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 3
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 1