One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 8 Part 3:
Oh my fucking god, this is stupid. I...I'm just...speechless.
This is not that long a section, but it feels like the longest sporking I have ever done because it's just...You'll see. Just...wait until you see. I mean, last section was seriously rage inducing, but this? Oh god...
Disclaimers and Warnings apply, and be warned: the stupidity and repetitiveness ahead is just...appalling. That is what it is. It's just...Gah!
"I win.." Tiburon laughed
The Girl: OH MY FUCKING GOD, THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE LAST SECTION! THIS IS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! I HAVE TO READ ALL THAT BULLSHIT ALL OVER AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-
Robin: *Dumps industrial sized vat of icy water on her*
The Girl: *Sullenly* Thank you.
Robin: Don’t worry about it. How much further is it until the end?
The Girl: *Bitter laugh* We’re not even half way…we’re about a third of the way done.
Robin: *Shakes head* Are you sure you will be able to make it through this?
The Girl: Yeah, I should be fine. Do you want to summon in some booze and maybe food with that keyboard there? I think we deserve some.
as he went over and picked up his sword.
The Girl: ONLY NOW? WHAT, DID HE JUST NOT NEED THE SWORD EARLIER?
Robin: *Types rapidly on keyboard* I’ve noticed that this scene continues from the exact moment the first scene ended. Despite being shown two more scenes in the intervening period, no time has actually past. The author is going to describe every single second of this battle, but is willing to completely skip over Avery and Riru’s. I wonder why.
The Girl: AND IT JUST ANNOYS ME EVEN MORE BECAUSE THIS COULD HAVE BEEN SKIPPED TOO! I’VE READ AHEAD! NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS! THEY JUST SCUFFLE AND BANTER, AND BAM, WE SHIFT SCENES AGAIN! THIS HAS NO PURPOSE! AND I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT- *A large cake suddenly appears, followed by several barrels of alcohol* Uh…Isn’t this just a bit too…extreme?
Robin: *Lifts eyebrow* I wonder what else this little toy can do…
The Girl: No! You are not allowed to experiment! I gave it to you in the first place because you seemed mature!
Robin: Dear? I’m a part of the Straw Hat Crew. Did you honestly think it was wise to trust me?
"I told you...today isn't a good day to die." David climbed out from the rumble and walked over as far as he could.
The Girl: …*Weakly* Why? Why do I have to read this again? Did you think this section was so brilliant that we needed to see it word for word again? Look, I’ve ranted about this already. Extensively. I’m not going to do it again. Just…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 12 (For copying an entire scene almost word for word, with different names substituted)
Robin: Apparently, he thought that quip was so witty, that it deserved repeating as well.
The Girl: Look, let’s just move on. I honestly do not want to spend another second looking at that line.
"Why won't you die kid?"
The Girl: *Stony silence*
Robin: You need a reason to live? *Frowns* If you do not have a reason to your existence, you should just give up and die? Do you have any idea what you are implying here, Stuthor?
The Girl: *Head desk* I…don’t have anything to say. Every single thing, I’ve already gone over in Chase and Tora’s section. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT? *Wails*
Robin: *Pours out alcohol* Would you like some?
The Girl: *Starts digging into cake* Nah, thanks.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 7 (Seriously, what are you expecting him to do? Just roll over and let you kill him?)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 16 (WHY ARE YOU BANTERING? KILL HIM! YOU HAVE A FUCKING SWORD!)
"This is the third time...today isn't a good day to die." He answered.
The Girl: THAT LINE IS NOT FUNNY! I’VE HAD TO READ IT TWICE ALREADY! STOP GODDAMNED REPEATING YOURSELF!
Robin: Why not just have him say, ‘I do not like to repeat myself a third time.’? It’s much more to the point, and it lets you avoid writing the exact same sentences three times in half a chapter.
The Girl: Well, yes. But that would require sense.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 13
"Well I'll make it one!"
Robin: So…Instead of killing him right there and then, and saying that his opinion on how suitable the day is to dying doesn’t matter the least…you will be bowing to his demands, and reshaping the day to how he wants it to be? Stuthor, you fail at writing threatening villains. And you certainly fail at writing pirates. I doubt this is even intentional, but it disgusts me how far you are willing to go to make sure everything fawns over your avatar.
The Girl: You say that as if he actually succeeds at anything. Dude, you claimed you were going to end this fight at the start of the chapter. I know for a fact that we have at least another two thousand words to spork. You’re not going to convince me of anything. In order to be threatening, you actually have to follow up on your threats. BASIC LOGIC, dammit!
"Shotgun Fist!" David jumped in theair
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 8
and punched Tiburon in the throat.
The Girl: Firstly, why would he name a simple punch some ridiculous name? Luffy wasn’t throwing around attacks names every single second of the combat. What, does he sit around all day, doing nothing but thinking up a ‘cool’ name for punching with his left fist, and another one for his right fist?
Secondly, he was going for the Shark King’s throat. A person’s throat is located at a perfect level for punching. You don’t even have to do anything. If you swing your first forward, you’ll most likely punch someone on the throat. So why the fuck does he need to jump into the air to do that? In fact, by jumping and thus elevating himself, he’s making it harder to punch the Shark King in the throat, because he now needs to reach down. That is a very unnatural movement. Unnatural movements mean that he can’t swing the punch as fast as he would have, and thus he’s causing less damage.
Thirdly, why is he going for the throat? How is that going to accomplish anything? If he is going for the throat, why isn’t he strangling the Shark King instead of just…punching him there? What the fuck is he trying to do here? If he really knew how to fight, he would have pulled back and dived for his WEAPONS! He’s been fighting the Shark King for almost a thousand words already! He knows a little punch on the throat isn’t going to hurt him! What is his goal here?
Fourthly, you mean to tell me that after delivering that threat…the Shark King stood there and did nothing? He didn’t attempt to launch an attack of his own? He didn’t bother defending himself against David’s attack, despite being able to move faster than the eye can see? He had a freaking SWORD, and he didn’t bother to decapitate David when he’s in midair?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 9
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 18 (One for David, and one for the Shark King)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 8
Robin: I’m beginning to loath these action scenes. They are horrible, but they are horrible in the exact same way. No one acts in a logical manner, every contrivance is used to prolong the combat, and both combatants only survive thanks to divine intervention. You can complain all you want, but at the end of the day, you just feel like you’ve been repeating the same points for the entire time. It’s very unsatisfying. *Takes large gulp of alcohol*
The Girl: Eh, it’s my duty. *Eats cake*
"Guah!
The Girl: *Digs into cake viciously and growls*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 15
Gawd!" Tiburon coughed.
Robin: This man has just been punch in the throat. This should not be his reaction. He shouldn’t even be able to speak. Being punched in the throat and tasting something unpleasant is very, very different.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 3
The Girl: And when did the Shark King turn American?
"Machine Gun Fist!" David yelled as he began to use both of his fist to punch Tiburon in the same spots on his chest over and over.
Robin: Instead of taking advantage of the situation and retrieving his weapons, apparently.
The Girl: Or bashing the Shark King’s skull open on the wall whilst he was reeling from the attack. Seriously, though, what were we expecting?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 19
Robin: I suppose it’s too much to hope that the Stuthor would suddenly realise the kind of tripe he is taking, and improve? Or, better yet, abandon the story altogether?
The Girl: This thing has over fifty chapters. *Despair*
"Guah!"
Robin: *Frowns* Even I am beginning to detest that word. Thankfully, it’s not actually in the English language.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 17
"One Thousand Bullets!" David cried out
The Girl: Cried out? What the fuck are they doing? How does attacking someone warrant crying out?
THESAURUS RAPE: 5
Robin: Is it just me, or are the names for the attacks getting stupider? Even Luffy, with all his naivety, would not stoop to naming a supposedly climatic and impressive attack…that.
The Girl: That implies a time when they were not stupid.
as he began to punch Tiburon all over his body nonstop.
The Girl: …So…It’s exactly the same as the last attack, except more random? How does this warrant a name all to itself?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 14
Robin: It makes me wonder, what is he doing with these attacks anyway? What is the difference between punching the same spot and punching several? He knows these attacks aren’t going to do anything to the Shark King, so what does he hope to accomplish? Going by the order he attacked in, he clearly considers this to be a more powerful attack, despite the fact that the damage should be reduced because the attack is spread over a larger area…so why doesn’t he start with this one?
The Girl: Haven’t you learned the answer to all that already? To drag this action scene out. Because this is just SO gripping and thrilling that it needs to go on and on and on for two thousand words.
Robin: *Presses lips together and drains cup*
Going from chest, to stomach, to ribs, back up to chest, solarplexis, collarbones, and so on,
The Girl: *Flatly* Wow. Look at the description. Can’t you feel your adrenaline rushing? This is just so awesome. Wow.
Robin: I was just thinking that this…doesn’t sound like a fight scene at all. Though it still sounds like an ‘action’ scene.
The Girl: …Please, never say that again. For both of our sanities.
"Nine hundred nintey nine...one thousand!" David shouted
The Girl: *Drops fork* He…He was ACTUALLY COUNTING THE NUMBERS OUT LOUD? Robin? How fast can you count from eight hundred to nine hundred?
Robin: Never mind counting, I can’t sound the numbers in my head faster than just over a second each.
The Girl: Okay, readers. I’m going to ask you to do a very simple exercise. Count from eight hundred to nine hundred, and perform a punching motion with your arms while you count. Notice how you have to slow down because you can’t say ‘Eight-hundred-and-seventy-nine’ in time with punching? And I’d like to remind you that David’s opponent here can move faster than the eye can see. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 21 (Step out of the way and stab him, you idiot! Did you forget you have a sword?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 10
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 9
Robin: I would also like to add that the louder you say those numbers, the slower you have to count. It’s much easier to whisper them quickly. And David here is shouting. Also, please try to actually count to one thousand. However fast you go, it takes almost ten minutes. In the middle of a supposedly fast paced, exciting action scene, the Stuthor just skipped over ten entire minutes in one sentence, because he can’t describe something to save his life. And I want you to think how many real life fights were decided in ten minutes.
The Girl: Not that I would complain about reading less of this piece of crap…
landing one final punch where Tiburon's heart was.
Robin: …Was? It’s not there now? Did being punched in the torso somehow magically remove his heart?
The Girl: Yes. Punch the part of his body that’s the most well-protected. Surely, that will take him down.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 10 (It’s called the chest, you idiot! My three year old sister knows that!)
"Guah!"
Robin: *Slams cup down with more force than necessary*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 19
Tiburon spat out blood as his beaten and bruised body struggled to stand.
The Girl: …Wait, what? He’s withstood far worse things than that! He was perfectly alright after being stabbed four times in the bloody torso! He was alright having two katana impale him! And a few punches are what gets him? What the fucking hell?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 4 (He was punched over a thousand times. He didn’t even stumble back. That is all.)
"Dragon Palm!" David cocked both his hands back putting them parralel to each other while curling in his fingers, he then thrusted them forward opening his fingers at the last moment hitting him right in inbetween his chest and solarplexis causing Tiburon to go flying back.
The Girl: …what?
Robin: I have no idea what he did either. Best I could tell, he pulled his hands back the exact way a person would pull his fist back, somehow made them parallel without breaking his wrists, made his fingers roll inside himself, thrusted his hands forward, therefore causing them to slam into his body, and yet somehow hitting the Shark King ‘between’ the chest and the solar plexus ‘at the last moment’ despite there being no deadline, and despite the fact that the chest and the solar plexus is directly next to each other, and thus having no middle area. And this somehow causes the Shark King to fly backwards, despite not moving an inch whilst being punched over a thousand times.
The Girl: …That makes no sense.
Robin: I never said it would.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 22
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 11
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 21
Tiburon coughed as blood ran all down his face.
Robin: …Why is there blood on his face? Was my interpretation of the attack inaccurate? *Squints* Either way, I still see no mention of the Shark King being attacked in the face from the above passages.
The Girl: …Well, you did just say we completely skipped over ten minutes of the fight. Maybe the Stu decided to break out his scalping knife during those ten minute?
He got up and kneeld over as he began to throw up blood.
The Girl: …I…kind of feel bad for the Shark King here. I mean, he was just setting up a government in the East Blue, and these people rock up and complain because he dare set taxes. We don’t even ever see his men use violence to acquire those taxes. And now his home is invaded, his crew slaughtered, and he can’t do anything about it because the God in their universe is firmly on the side of his enemy, no matter how unreasonable. And seriously, throwing up blood? That kind of means he hasn’t got long to live. Especially not if there’s not doctors around for him to get to.
Robin: I would feel sorry for him, except I’m far too preoccupied trying to figure out how being stabbed in the torso is the equivalent of a paper cut to him, and yet a few punches on the most well protected part of his body is apparently fatal.
"Hmph...you really are strong to survive those..." David sighed as he stood there with a smile.
The Girl: …
The Shark King is on his knees in front of him throwing up blood.
Another man is kneeling in front of him, beaten and broken, vomiting up blood.
And he complains about how he’s not dead yet.
And he’s SMILING about it.
In fact, smiling and sighing at the same time makes me think that he thinks this is all very wistful and nostalgic. Because he’s tortured countless others before.
And he’s not even going to mercy kill the Shark King. He is going to take his sweet time because he likes hearing him scream.
Seriously, he carries a nail-ripping machine with him, doesn’t he?
SOCIOPATHY: 14
Robin: Right. Surviving being stabbed in the torso six times is not at all remarkable. Surviving a few slow-motion punches? Apparently awesome. I give up trying to figure out this Stuthor’s logic. *Drinks rum heartily*
"You...I'm going to kill you!" Tiburon exclaimed, "I didn't want to have to do it, but you've made me!"
Robin: *Almost chokes on her rum* Excuse me?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 24 (DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT! WE’RE ALMOST HALF WAY THROUGH THE FIC, AND HE’S BEEN FIGHTING WITH DAVID FOR THREE GODDAMNED CHAPTERS! AND HE ONLY FIGURES OUT THAT HE SHOULD PROBABLY BE TRYING TO KILL AN INVADER, A CHALLENGER TO HIS AUTHORITY, AND SOMEONE WHO HAS TRIED TO KILL HIS CREW. TWO COUNTS, BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT.)
The Girl: And remember, he was VOMITING BLOOD one sentence ago. That is not a superficial injury. He was coughing blood too. He has such intensive internal injury that blood is seeping into his major organs! That is not something you recover from without help! Even ignoring the six gaping holes in his torso, there is no way he should be able to keep fighting!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 5
Robin: Why, exactly, didn’t you want to do it? He has been consistently rude, arrogant, and dismissive towards you. He waltzed onto your private island and insulted your ideology. He beat you up, and seems to be determined to cause you as much pain as possible. His crew is out there, fighting your own crew. Why didn’t you want to kill him? What has he done that has ever endeared him to you? What, is it just because of his age? There were people chasing after me, baying for my blood, since I was eight! That is no excuse! And how has he made you do it? You’ve let him get away with far more drastic attacks! And you could have avoided being attacked if you wanted to! What has he done that he hasn’t done before?
The Girl: *Puts arms around Robin* There, there, calm down. If you lose it, who’ll drop tanks of water on top of me when I blow up? Come on, it’s not like we haven’t seen this before.
"Do what?" David asked
The Girl: HE JUST SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU! WERE YOU LISTENING AT ALL? CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH NOW? HE JUST SAID EXACTLY WHAT HE’S GOING TO DO ONE FUCKING SECOND AGO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-
Robin: *Throws cup of beer in her face*
The Girl: Gah! My eyes!
Robin: Sorry, I couldn’t find the keyboard. I think it got stuck in the couch.
The Girl: *Wipes face furiously* It’s okay.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 11
as Tiburon began to grow larger and larger.
The Girl: …There is a time and place, you know…
The back of his head began to sprout out,
Robin: Excuse me? It began to what? Are you implying that he didn’t have a back of the head before, and it’s only now growing out?
The Girl: By ‘sprout out’…are you implying that the back of his head was a plant? What the hell is going on?
THESAURUS RAPE: 6
his arms and ribs began to eform
The Girl: E-form. *Snickers* The Shark King is a Digimon!
and sporut large tentacles,
The Girl: *Horrified silence*
Robin: What…on…earth…
The Girl: *High-pitched squeak, still utterly horrified*
he evnetually grew to large for where he was standing.
The Girl: He was in a gigantic hall! You said that a chapter ago! And if the place was indeed so tiny, how was David able to pull all those fancy moves?
Robin: Not to mention, why doesn’t the Shark King just keep growing, and suffocate David or squish him to a paste? And why would he not build his headquarters larger, if he knew about this power? After all, he’s going to use it in combat. Wouldn’t he prepare beforehand so there was enough space for him?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 12
He jumped into the water filled abyss
The Girl: …Brave Sir Robin, indeed.
Robin: The abyss maybe very deep, granted, but it’s still not going to be as wide as a hall. How is jumping in going to help matters? He still would be too large.
as he grew larger and larger eventually David was facing a kraken.
Robin: …And again, the Stuthor has surpassed my expectations. How does he keep topping himself?
The Girl: I…can’t believe I even noticed this, but if he was turning into a kraken, then he most certainly didn’t leap into the water because he didn’t have enough space. He went there because Krakens don’t survive very well outside of the water. They’re pretty much giant octopi.
Robin: And octopi don’t jump very well. He may slither or crawl to the pool, but I doubt he will be able to dive into it gracefully.
"Whoa! That is so cool!" David yelled pointing at the kraken.
Robin: Who are you talking to?
The Girl: *Irritably* Look, only a very select few can break the fourth wall. Deadpool, the Joker, the Narrator from the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy…NOT YOU.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 13 (Another count, for the overall transformation scene)
"Haahaha!
The Girl: *Groans loudly*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 22
You like I ate the Kraken Kraken Devil Fruit! One of the rarest Zoan Devil Fruits!"
The Girl: *Sighs* Do you see now why I said this is the worst chapter so far?
Robin: Yes. In two short sentences, the Stuthor has managed to completely undermine every single fact known about the devil fruits. There is no such thing as a ‘rarest’ devil fruit, because there is only one of each type. They are all equally rare. A devil fruit giving you utterly useless powers, such as the ability to not need to blink, will be just as hard to find as a fruit that allows you to warp reality to your will. There may be a most sought after fruit, but there will never be a rarest one.
And rarity does not necessarily mean people will want it. One of the biggest dilemmas people face when discovering a devil fruit is whether to eat it or not, because people are perfectly capable of becoming the strongest men in the world without any powers. However, eat the fruit, and you are stuck with that ability for the rest of your life, no matter whether you like it or not. And if you come upon a very powerful fruit later, you can’t eat it. Selling the fruit would guarantee you immediate profit, though, but are you willing to let the chance of having the ability, say, to manipulate fire pass you by? So, just because it’s rare, doesn’t tell me anything about the power level. It just makes you look pretentious.
One of the biggest downsides to devil fruits is the fact that they prevent you from ever swimming again. Seeing as most devil fruit users are either pirates or marine officers, this present a significant problem, as they spend the better part of their days around the sea. Furthermore, anyone who can get their hands on a sea stone can render you utterly helpless. You are basically acquiring great power whilst creating a huge handicap for yourself. And this works, because this allows those without powers to fight on equal footing with devil fruit users. This makes sure that no one is so strong that they become game breakers. This ensures that devil fruit users actually has to try and make an effort in order to get strong, and nothing is handed to them on a silver plate. By letting him transform himself into a sea creature whose natural habitat is the ocean, you have effectively removed all weakness and flaws from him. You’ve defeated one of the most interesting dilemmas and piece of symbolism. And you have raped one of the fundamental laws of the universe: if you eat the devil fruit, the sea itself will reject you.
The Girl: *Claps* Also, Krakens don’t exist in the One Piece universe. They have Sea Kings, which fill the role of the Kraken as the ‘Giant Monster living In the Sea’. They have no need for Krakens, so please stop blending canons.
And Krakens are GIANT OCTOPI! They may have a mouth, but they most certainly don’t lips and tongues which can form human words! He shouldn’t be able to speak! And even if he were to speak, he’d still be submerged in water! The mouth of an octopus is located UNDER it, protected by the tentacles! Unless he’s turning himself upside down, exposing his underside to the world, he should be able to say anything!
And just how is turning into a Kraken going to help him defeat David? He’s now stuck in a tiny pool of water. If David steps back out of range, he won’t be able to hurt him, since he won’t be able to come out of the pool. The only way this power may work is if the pool was connected to the ocean, and he’s planning to run away. I seriously don’t see how he’s going to kill David.
And turning into another form does not negate his injuries! The injuries he had as a fishman would just carry over to his Kraken form! He’d be just as injured! If he was too weak to stand before, than he will still be too weak to attack! You don’t magically heal by changing forms! It doesn’t work that way!
Also, it’s incredibly confusing to give a single character two animal motifs. Is he supposed to be a shark or an octopus? Choose one and stick with it! Oda had plenty of animal themed heroes and villains, but each of them only had ONE gimmick! It makes your character much more identifiable! And it makes their personality more stable too, seeing as they’re only taking attributes from ONE animal! Gah!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 15 (One for the canon rape, one for the basic logic fail.)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 26 (I don’t care how you do it, just stop talking. And if this was so powerful, why did you change into this form from the beginning? What, you didn’t WANT to kill him, then?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 12 (For all the reasons outlined above about how turning into an octopus is not going to help things.)
"Well that's cool, but I'm still going to have to kill you."
The Girl: He is talking about murder here. Just in case you didn’t catch that.
Robin: And he’s talking to a former Shichibukai with devil fruit powers that leave him no flaws and who is a gigantic monster. And he is utterly convinced of his own infallibility. If that is not arrogance, I don’t know what is.
The Girl: Look, Stuthor, I really understand that you’re trying to make him like Luffy, with all his fawning over how ‘cool’ a giant monster is. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM SUDDENLY TURN AROUND AND DECLARE MURDER LIKE THAT! NAÏVE BEHAVIOUR CAN BE CUTE, BUT WHEN COUPLED WITH SUCH SOCIOPATHY, ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOUR STU EVEN CREEPIER!
SOCIOPATHY: 17 (Yes, I know this doesn’t really deserve three counts, since he hasn’t killed anyone yet, but a hero just casually mentioned murder in a One Piece fic! I’m pissed, okay?)
"Oh really? Try me!" Tiburon yelled
Robin: So…stabbing you six times in the torso, slamming you into a wall, and beating you up so badly that you’re vomiting blood doesn’t convince you?
The Girl: I would just like to point out again that this was supposed to be a threatening villain. We’re meant to be scared of him. And we’re meant to be worrying whether the Stu will be able to handle him or not. THIS PERSON IS MEANT TO BE ON PAR WITH ARLONG AND CROCODILE AND ENERU! Because if I have to suffer, then you guys have to as well.
raising one of his tentacles and swung it down hard against the bride.
The Girl: *Chokes on her cake* The WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Robin: Apparently, during the ten minutes we skipped, a wedding ceremony took place.
The Girl: …Excuse me. I have to go throw up again.
Robin: *Worried glance* I would also like to point out that…that’s not how you use tentacles. They may look like giant whips, but they are still made out of flesh. Flinging them against something will only hurt you. They are meant to be used for strangulation and suffocation. You don’t swing them down at people. You curl them around people’s necks and squeeze.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 27
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 15
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 18
"Aaahh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 23
Robin: Are you quite alright? Do you need the keyboard? I’ve found it.
The Girl: *Weakly* I’ll manage…
David slid back from the force and just got right back up,
The Girl: *Screeches* GIANT OCTOPUS! HUMONGUS TENTACLES! THOSE THINGS ARE HEAVY! EVEN IF THAT’S NOT HOW YOU’RE MEANT TO USE THEM, THEY WILL STILL DO DAMAGE! PHYSICS, DAMMIT! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY GODDAMNED POWERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Robin: *Conjures comically giant hammer and hits the girl on the head with it*
The Girl: …Ow. You’re getting creative.
Robin: How else am I supposed to be entertained? Read the fic?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 7 (One for ‘just sliding back’ and one for ‘got right back up again’.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 16 (How the heck are you supposed to get back up if you never fell in the first place?)
"Right..." David picked up both of his swords
The Girl: FINALLY!
Robin: The Shark King has gigantic tentacles. And he does not think to grab the swords and fling them out of the window? Or drag them into the pool with him? He doesn’t even thing to grab David when the hit landed? He just…sit there and let him take his weapons?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 28
and grinned, "This'll be fun."
The Girl: *Flatly* Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fun. The only time you ever smile is when you’re attempting to murder someone, after all.
SOCIOPATHY: 19
"Chase!" Riru yelled as she went after the fallen Chase
The Girl: *Suddenly perks up* Fallen? He died?
Robin: I don’t think so.
The Girl: Hey! I can dream, can’t I?
Robin: And I see we skip the entire searching process, and only pick up again when the spotlight is properly on one of the main Stus. Because the only purpose Avery and Riru serve is comic relief, padding, and being fawning sycophants.
The Girl: How they came into the crew tell you everything you need to know, doesn’t it? Riru was there because she was enslaved, and Avery was there due to blackmail. If they didn’t join, they would have been killed. They never even had any choice.
and took out her first aid kit.
The Girl: Wait, she had a first aid kit with her? Those are pretty clunky! Was she carrying it with her throughout the battle? Why did she have it in the first place? She joined the crew immediately after being beaten up by them, and I doubt they gave her the time to go home and fetch her luggage. Where did she get a first aid kit from?
Robin: Her only purpose is to heal the Big Strong Men, because super speed is a stupid power. I expect she carries around the box like a security blanket, because it’s the only thing that gives her meaning in life.
The Girl: Wow. Everyone in this story is pathetic, aren’t they?
"Hahah..." Chase chuckled.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 15
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 24
Robin: I don’t see any reason why he should be laughing. And why is he awake? He fell unconscious last time we saw him from exhaustion. You don’t wake up from those after a few minutes. He should still be a bloody lump on the ground right now.
The Girl: I expect he’s laughing because the assimilation process concerning Riru is going better than he imagined. Less than a day with them and she’s already dropped all hatred of them, reduced herself to nothing but a medic, and is worrying and fretting over his as a proper woman should. I bet he’s damned proud of himself. *Spits*
"What?" Avery asked.
The Girl: (Avery) I think he’s hysterical. Aren’t you supposed to slap people who are hysterical? *Promptly bitchslaps*
Robin: I thought hysterical women were cured by doctors wielding dildos?
The Girl: …Uh…That happened in your history as well? GAH, WHAT AM I THINKING? NO! NO! DO NOT GO THERE, BRAIN, OR I’LL PERSONALLY GOUGE YOU OUT AND SCRUB YOU WITH INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH BLEACH!
"I don't know..."
Robin: (Chase) Anything…
The Girl: *Smiles* Catching on fast.
Robin: Well, if I didn’t do that, I would have imagined that line being said in the most pretentious, smug tone I have ever heard. ‘Oh, I have no idea what could be so hysterical. Riru fussing all over me like she wasn’t trying to kill me a few hours ago, or the fact that I just brutally killed another man. It’s all so hilarious.’
The Girl: *Grimly* The only person who gets away with that is the Joker, and you’re nowhere near his levels of awesomeness.
"What hurts?" Riru asked.
The Girl: DUDE, HE’S LYING ON THE GROUND, INJURED AND BLEEDING! JUST LOOK AT HIM, OR DO YOU NOT HAVE EYES! HE PROBABLY HAS BRUISES AND CUTS! HE WAS IN A FIGHT! IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S GOT A MALIGNANT TUMOUR! YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY INJURIES PRETTY EASILY! I’VE NEVER HAD FIRST AID TRAINING IN MY LIFE, AND I CAN TELL IF SOMEONE’S BEEN RECENTLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE! AND YOU DARE TO CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR?
Robin: To be fair, we’re never given any description as to whether Chase is injured or not. For all we know, he’s just lying on the ground because he feels like it. Nonetheless, that still doesn’t seem to be a wise question to be asking someone who’s just come out of mortal combat. He could be in shock, or have extensive nerve damage, and it’s much more accurate to just check him over with your eyes, instead of relying on his telling you where he’s hurt. *Shakes head* She’s even useless as a healer.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 17
"Everything..." Chase smiled.
The Girl: IF YOU WERE REALLY INJURED EVERYWHERE, YOU WOULD NOT BE FUCKING SMILING! EVERYWHERE IS A LOT OF PLACES! HE WOULD BE FALLING UNCONSCIOUS JUST BECAUSE OF THE SHEER PAIN! The only way this makes sense if he was playing up his injuries for sympathy.
Robin: He may be hoping that she will ‘comfort’ him.
The Girl: *Appalled* Robin!
Robin: *Shrugs* I’m in a pirate crew. I think I’m entitled to be crude. That said, everywhere IS a lot of places. So, tell me, how did your anus get injured during the fight? Is the little bone in your ear broken as well? What about the nail on your fourth toe?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 8
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 18
"I probably should've told ya Tora was stronger than he appeared."
The Girl: DUDE, TORA DIDN’T GET TO DO ANYTHING! All we have seen in this fight is how the Stu utterly pwns him! HE STOOD NO FUCKING CHANCE! You can keep telling me how oh so strong and powerful he is, but I’m not going to buy it until YOU FUCKING SHOW IT! BY HAVING HIM KICK YORU STU’S ASS! AND DOING ACTUAL DAMAGE! But you won’t because you’re a big WIMP!
Robin: And please do not randomly give people accents. It jars horribly, and serves absolutely no purpose. Contrary to your beliefs, not all people talk in the same, brain dead way. You’re just systematically stripping your own characters of whatever little characterisation they have.
The Girl: Look, let’s just move on. This section’s almost finished, and I honestly can’t muster up the energy to point out everything wrong with the line. It’s just…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 19
"It's alright, it was fun beating him up." Chase joked.
The Girl: *Jaw drops*
Robin: Fun? Joked? And you are using these words in the context of murder? The Stu has finally moved beyond mere villain territory. I don’t recall even Spandam having that amount of light-hearted glee at the suffering and death of another man. You have successfully become worse than THE most despicable man I have ever seen. Congratulations.
SOCIOPATHY: 22 (HE’S JOKING ABOUT MURDER! HE DESERVES EVERY COUNT HE GETS!)
The Girl: And I really love how he brushes over the fact that he freaking KILLED him! What’s the matter? You were perfectly alright with it when you committed the act! What, you just didn’t want your little minions to think badly of you? *Snarls*
"Well, we got rid of all the Fishmen
The Girl: Got rid of. That…THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT MURDER HERE! I am never getting over that! They are talking about murder, and look at the language they’re using! ‘Got rid of’! They talking as though they’re disposing garbage! That is not how normal people react to murder! They talk like goddamned serial killers disposing witnesses! Gah!
Robin: Yes, and we never see you do it. Because the Stuthor’s far too busy masturbating to his own awesomeness by proxy to focus on you. After all, it’s not like you’re a part of the main cast, right?
SOCIOPATHY: 23
and sent them into the ocean on our rowboat."
Robin: Why? I still don’t understand. What on earth did you do it for?
The Girl: I wonder if they realise what kind of fic they’re in, and is desperately trying to keep the Stus from fucking up canon any further by trapping them all on an abandoned island. But I have a feeling it’s just the Stuthor being stupid.
"Cool...wait what?" Chase yelled,
Robin: *Blinks* He…realises this is bad? The Stuthor realised that this was illogical…and still wrote it? He realised how stupid it was, and yet still kept that scene in there, and then distributed this document to the public? No. This is not just stupidity. This is…I’ve seen flatworms more intelligent than this!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 20
"Ah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 25
The Girl: ‘Surprise!’ Riru said as she boned young Chase- Okay, I’m going to stop right there.
"Stop, you can't get mad right now. You'll open your wounds."
Robin: …Wasn’t he fighting against an opponent using his fists? How did he get that many open wounds? He might have some from damage from slamming into building and so on…but for open wounds to be his prominent injuries? Shouldn’t he have more organ damage and extensive bruising?
The Girl: And why can’t he get mad? He’s not doing anything, he’s just shouting. Normally, when people cringe as they get mad on TV, it’s because they’re trying to sit up. He’s not doing that here. And really, if his injuries only came from being thrown around, just how deep can they be? The injuries where you can’t even shout, lest you strain yourself, are usually huge sword wounds or bullet wounds. He was fighting someone using their fists. What the hell are you trying to do here? Weren’t you getting off on how unaffected and awesome your Stus were, and how they can withstand fatal attacks with nary a scratch?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 9 (This made no sense, but I wasn’t sure where to put it.)
"How deep are they?" Avery asked.
Robin: Like a puddle.
"They aren't too deep, bu at the same time they won't be easy to heal."
The Girl: Uh…why? If they’re not deep…how can they be hard to heal? The only way that could happen is if you deliberately picked at the wounds so they end up jagged and torn. Or you deliberate rub it in faeces so you get an infection. HE WAS FIGHTING AGAINST SOMEONE USING ONLY THEIR FISTS! THE ONLY CUTS HE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN WOULD HAVE COME FROM THE DEBRIS! You’re just fishing for sympathy here, aren’t you?
Robin: Or, he’s rubbing it in your face. You said he never hurts his protagonists, so he makes sure to mention one of them getting badly injured. Of course, he completely misses the point. These injuries make absolutely no sense. If you want to talk about grievous injuries, then talk about internal organ damage! They’re much more serious, and you can conceivably get them in a simple fist fight.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 21
"Well good thing you're with us." Chase smiled.
The Girl: Dude, she couldn’t tell what was wrong with you at first glance! She just admitted to not being able to heal light scratches! She didn’t even consider how you might have a concussion or internal damage! She barely checked you over! She ADMITTED that she only had basic first aid skills! WHAT GOOD IS SHE GOING TO DO?
Robin: Yes. Her only value is in healing you. Her super speed won’t come in handy at all, and of course she has absolutely no other talent. She’s just there so you can plunge into the next ‘action’ scene faster. Why can’t we have a ‘You Sexist Bastard’ count? This fic deserves one, really.
The Girl: Maybe it does. But I can’t put the effort into keeping up with another counter. Let’s just rage at it impotently, that seems to be working well.
"Yeah yeah, just let me do this."
The Girl: (Riru) *Pulls on rubber gloves* Does anyone have any lube?
Robin: …Is it just me, or do these characters all sound the same? Riru, Avery, Chase, David, the Shark King , Tora…all of them have the exact same style of speech, namely, that of a teenaged, illiterate little child who think he’s ‘cool’.
The Girl: *Drily* Hey, what do you know? The Stuthor is one. What were you expecting? That he would give them unique personalities and characterisation?
"Where's David?" Avery asked.
Robin: …You and Riru have already taken care of the entire rest of the crew. The First Mate was dispatched by Chase. David expressed a clear desire to take down the Shark King two chapters ago. And you can’t figure out where he might be? *Shakes head wordlessly*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 22
"He's fighting Tiburon.."
The Girl: Wait a minute! How does he know the Shark King’s name? It’s only reveal by the Shark King to David! And he definitely wasn’t there at the time! What, does he have omniscience as well, now?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 23
"What? I should go help him."
The Girl: Erm…thanks. You should. Thank you for pointing that out. I totally would never have figured it out if you didn’t say that.
Robin: And the way he talks about this, as though he’s exasperated that he has to help a friend that he believes to be in a potentially fatal situation…And how he’s apparently sitting around, procrastinating, pondering over his decision, when, for all he knows, David is dying at the hands of the Shark King. Nice to see how much the Stuthor values his friends.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 16
SOCIOPATHY: 24
"Avery don't..." Chase muttered.
The Girl: (Chase) No! Don’t leave me! I can’t live without you!
Robin: I was thinking along the lines of: (Chase) Don’t, Avery! I don’t want this! Please, stop! Riru is watching!
The Girl: …I…really never figured you for a slasher.
Robin: Obviously, you don’t know as much about our world as you claim to. *Enigmatic smile*
"Why not?"
The Girl: (Chase) Because, when he gets killed, I’LL get to be the Captain of this crew! Mwahahahahaha!
Robin: (Chase) Get back here, you little minion! Who said you can go hog the spotlight? David must be the centre of every scene, because he’s the Stuthor’s avatar! We can’t have you wander in and steal his screen time! Now, get to it! My ass ain’t gonna kiss itself!
The Girl: …You…scare me sometimes, you know.
Robin: Do I? That’s a pity. *Smile turns even more enigmatic*
"Let him handle it, he's got this."
The Girl: …No. I don’t buy it. I bought it with Luffy and Zoro because they’ve sparred with each other. They’ve cooperated with each other. They know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and often worked together on the same quest. Throughout this entire fic, not once have you ever worked together with David against a common enemy. You know nothing about his strength. I don’t buy this whole ‘I’ve got confidence in him!’ thing at all! Which is ridiculous, considering you guys have been together since childhood, and yet Luffy had a more profound friendship with Zoro half an hour after meeting him.
Robin: I can’t shake off the feeling that Chase is deliberately holding Avery back because he wants David to be killed. And it would be in-character too, given what we’ve seen from this.
SOCIOPATHY: 25 (Not so much for truly sociopathic behaviour, as for raping the message of One Piece and undermining Luffy and Zoro’s friendship.)
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."
Robin: (Chase) Hypothetically speaking, though, you WOULD support me as Captain is David doesn’t make it, won’t you? I mean, apart from the Shark King, there are just so many accidents waiting to happen at sea…
The Girl: (Avery) Oh, you said he’s going to be fine? I instantly believe you and immediately stop worrying about him, even though I know exactly how strong the Shark King is. *Resumes normal voice* Seriously, though, he knows about the Shark King and his crew, right? So why hasn’t he been briefing them on the row to the island? Just simple information like, ‘Oh yeah, the Shark King totally has a Kraken fruit’, or ‘Tora really likes to play up the weakling act’ would have helped a lot! And yet he stayed silent throughout the entire trip! I’m utterly convinced he’s desperately trying to get them all killed, because he realises exactly how psychotic these people are.
SOCIOPATHY: 26
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 24
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 4
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 2
This is not that long a section, but it feels like the longest sporking I have ever done because it's just...You'll see. Just...wait until you see. I mean, last section was seriously rage inducing, but this? Oh god...
Disclaimers and Warnings apply, and be warned: the stupidity and repetitiveness ahead is just...appalling. That is what it is. It's just...Gah!
"I win.." Tiburon laughed
The Girl: OH MY FUCKING GOD, THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE LAST SECTION! THIS IS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! I HAVE TO READ ALL THAT BULLSHIT ALL OVER AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-
Robin: *Dumps industrial sized vat of icy water on her*
The Girl: *Sullenly* Thank you.
Robin: Don’t worry about it. How much further is it until the end?
The Girl: *Bitter laugh* We’re not even half way…we’re about a third of the way done.
Robin: *Shakes head* Are you sure you will be able to make it through this?
The Girl: Yeah, I should be fine. Do you want to summon in some booze and maybe food with that keyboard there? I think we deserve some.
as he went over and picked up his sword.
The Girl: ONLY NOW? WHAT, DID HE JUST NOT NEED THE SWORD EARLIER?
Robin: *Types rapidly on keyboard* I’ve noticed that this scene continues from the exact moment the first scene ended. Despite being shown two more scenes in the intervening period, no time has actually past. The author is going to describe every single second of this battle, but is willing to completely skip over Avery and Riru’s. I wonder why.
The Girl: AND IT JUST ANNOYS ME EVEN MORE BECAUSE THIS COULD HAVE BEEN SKIPPED TOO! I’VE READ AHEAD! NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS! THEY JUST SCUFFLE AND BANTER, AND BAM, WE SHIFT SCENES AGAIN! THIS HAS NO PURPOSE! AND I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT- *A large cake suddenly appears, followed by several barrels of alcohol* Uh…Isn’t this just a bit too…extreme?
Robin: *Lifts eyebrow* I wonder what else this little toy can do…
The Girl: No! You are not allowed to experiment! I gave it to you in the first place because you seemed mature!
Robin: Dear? I’m a part of the Straw Hat Crew. Did you honestly think it was wise to trust me?
"I told you...today isn't a good day to die." David climbed out from the rumble and walked over as far as he could.
The Girl: …*Weakly* Why? Why do I have to read this again? Did you think this section was so brilliant that we needed to see it word for word again? Look, I’ve ranted about this already. Extensively. I’m not going to do it again. Just…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 12 (For copying an entire scene almost word for word, with different names substituted)
Robin: Apparently, he thought that quip was so witty, that it deserved repeating as well.
The Girl: Look, let’s just move on. I honestly do not want to spend another second looking at that line.
"Why won't you die kid?"
The Girl: *Stony silence*
Robin: You need a reason to live? *Frowns* If you do not have a reason to your existence, you should just give up and die? Do you have any idea what you are implying here, Stuthor?
The Girl: *Head desk* I…don’t have anything to say. Every single thing, I’ve already gone over in Chase and Tora’s section. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT? *Wails*
Robin: *Pours out alcohol* Would you like some?
The Girl: *Starts digging into cake* Nah, thanks.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 7 (Seriously, what are you expecting him to do? Just roll over and let you kill him?)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 16 (WHY ARE YOU BANTERING? KILL HIM! YOU HAVE A FUCKING SWORD!)
"This is the third time...today isn't a good day to die." He answered.
The Girl: THAT LINE IS NOT FUNNY! I’VE HAD TO READ IT TWICE ALREADY! STOP GODDAMNED REPEATING YOURSELF!
Robin: Why not just have him say, ‘I do not like to repeat myself a third time.’? It’s much more to the point, and it lets you avoid writing the exact same sentences three times in half a chapter.
The Girl: Well, yes. But that would require sense.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 13
"Well I'll make it one!"
Robin: So…Instead of killing him right there and then, and saying that his opinion on how suitable the day is to dying doesn’t matter the least…you will be bowing to his demands, and reshaping the day to how he wants it to be? Stuthor, you fail at writing threatening villains. And you certainly fail at writing pirates. I doubt this is even intentional, but it disgusts me how far you are willing to go to make sure everything fawns over your avatar.
The Girl: You say that as if he actually succeeds at anything. Dude, you claimed you were going to end this fight at the start of the chapter. I know for a fact that we have at least another two thousand words to spork. You’re not going to convince me of anything. In order to be threatening, you actually have to follow up on your threats. BASIC LOGIC, dammit!
"Shotgun Fist!" David jumped in theair
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 8
and punched Tiburon in the throat.
The Girl: Firstly, why would he name a simple punch some ridiculous name? Luffy wasn’t throwing around attacks names every single second of the combat. What, does he sit around all day, doing nothing but thinking up a ‘cool’ name for punching with his left fist, and another one for his right fist?
Secondly, he was going for the Shark King’s throat. A person’s throat is located at a perfect level for punching. You don’t even have to do anything. If you swing your first forward, you’ll most likely punch someone on the throat. So why the fuck does he need to jump into the air to do that? In fact, by jumping and thus elevating himself, he’s making it harder to punch the Shark King in the throat, because he now needs to reach down. That is a very unnatural movement. Unnatural movements mean that he can’t swing the punch as fast as he would have, and thus he’s causing less damage.
Thirdly, why is he going for the throat? How is that going to accomplish anything? If he is going for the throat, why isn’t he strangling the Shark King instead of just…punching him there? What the fuck is he trying to do here? If he really knew how to fight, he would have pulled back and dived for his WEAPONS! He’s been fighting the Shark King for almost a thousand words already! He knows a little punch on the throat isn’t going to hurt him! What is his goal here?
Fourthly, you mean to tell me that after delivering that threat…the Shark King stood there and did nothing? He didn’t attempt to launch an attack of his own? He didn’t bother defending himself against David’s attack, despite being able to move faster than the eye can see? He had a freaking SWORD, and he didn’t bother to decapitate David when he’s in midair?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 9
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 18 (One for David, and one for the Shark King)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 8
Robin: I’m beginning to loath these action scenes. They are horrible, but they are horrible in the exact same way. No one acts in a logical manner, every contrivance is used to prolong the combat, and both combatants only survive thanks to divine intervention. You can complain all you want, but at the end of the day, you just feel like you’ve been repeating the same points for the entire time. It’s very unsatisfying. *Takes large gulp of alcohol*
The Girl: Eh, it’s my duty. *Eats cake*
"Guah!
The Girl: *Digs into cake viciously and growls*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 15
Gawd!" Tiburon coughed.
Robin: This man has just been punch in the throat. This should not be his reaction. He shouldn’t even be able to speak. Being punched in the throat and tasting something unpleasant is very, very different.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 3
The Girl: And when did the Shark King turn American?
"Machine Gun Fist!" David yelled as he began to use both of his fist to punch Tiburon in the same spots on his chest over and over.
Robin: Instead of taking advantage of the situation and retrieving his weapons, apparently.
The Girl: Or bashing the Shark King’s skull open on the wall whilst he was reeling from the attack. Seriously, though, what were we expecting?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 19
Robin: I suppose it’s too much to hope that the Stuthor would suddenly realise the kind of tripe he is taking, and improve? Or, better yet, abandon the story altogether?
The Girl: This thing has over fifty chapters. *Despair*
"Guah!"
Robin: *Frowns* Even I am beginning to detest that word. Thankfully, it’s not actually in the English language.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 17
"One Thousand Bullets!" David cried out
The Girl: Cried out? What the fuck are they doing? How does attacking someone warrant crying out?
THESAURUS RAPE: 5
Robin: Is it just me, or are the names for the attacks getting stupider? Even Luffy, with all his naivety, would not stoop to naming a supposedly climatic and impressive attack…that.
The Girl: That implies a time when they were not stupid.
as he began to punch Tiburon all over his body nonstop.
The Girl: …So…It’s exactly the same as the last attack, except more random? How does this warrant a name all to itself?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 14
Robin: It makes me wonder, what is he doing with these attacks anyway? What is the difference between punching the same spot and punching several? He knows these attacks aren’t going to do anything to the Shark King, so what does he hope to accomplish? Going by the order he attacked in, he clearly considers this to be a more powerful attack, despite the fact that the damage should be reduced because the attack is spread over a larger area…so why doesn’t he start with this one?
The Girl: Haven’t you learned the answer to all that already? To drag this action scene out. Because this is just SO gripping and thrilling that it needs to go on and on and on for two thousand words.
Robin: *Presses lips together and drains cup*
Going from chest, to stomach, to ribs, back up to chest, solarplexis, collarbones, and so on,
The Girl: *Flatly* Wow. Look at the description. Can’t you feel your adrenaline rushing? This is just so awesome. Wow.
Robin: I was just thinking that this…doesn’t sound like a fight scene at all. Though it still sounds like an ‘action’ scene.
The Girl: …Please, never say that again. For both of our sanities.
"Nine hundred nintey nine...one thousand!" David shouted
The Girl: *Drops fork* He…He was ACTUALLY COUNTING THE NUMBERS OUT LOUD? Robin? How fast can you count from eight hundred to nine hundred?
Robin: Never mind counting, I can’t sound the numbers in my head faster than just over a second each.
The Girl: Okay, readers. I’m going to ask you to do a very simple exercise. Count from eight hundred to nine hundred, and perform a punching motion with your arms while you count. Notice how you have to slow down because you can’t say ‘Eight-hundred-and-seventy-nine’ in time with punching? And I’d like to remind you that David’s opponent here can move faster than the eye can see. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 21 (Step out of the way and stab him, you idiot! Did you forget you have a sword?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 10
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 9
Robin: I would also like to add that the louder you say those numbers, the slower you have to count. It’s much easier to whisper them quickly. And David here is shouting. Also, please try to actually count to one thousand. However fast you go, it takes almost ten minutes. In the middle of a supposedly fast paced, exciting action scene, the Stuthor just skipped over ten entire minutes in one sentence, because he can’t describe something to save his life. And I want you to think how many real life fights were decided in ten minutes.
The Girl: Not that I would complain about reading less of this piece of crap…
landing one final punch where Tiburon's heart was.
Robin: …Was? It’s not there now? Did being punched in the torso somehow magically remove his heart?
The Girl: Yes. Punch the part of his body that’s the most well-protected. Surely, that will take him down.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 10 (It’s called the chest, you idiot! My three year old sister knows that!)
"Guah!"
Robin: *Slams cup down with more force than necessary*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 19
Tiburon spat out blood as his beaten and bruised body struggled to stand.
The Girl: …Wait, what? He’s withstood far worse things than that! He was perfectly alright after being stabbed four times in the bloody torso! He was alright having two katana impale him! And a few punches are what gets him? What the fucking hell?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 4 (He was punched over a thousand times. He didn’t even stumble back. That is all.)
"Dragon Palm!" David cocked both his hands back putting them parralel to each other while curling in his fingers, he then thrusted them forward opening his fingers at the last moment hitting him right in inbetween his chest and solarplexis causing Tiburon to go flying back.
The Girl: …what?
Robin: I have no idea what he did either. Best I could tell, he pulled his hands back the exact way a person would pull his fist back, somehow made them parallel without breaking his wrists, made his fingers roll inside himself, thrusted his hands forward, therefore causing them to slam into his body, and yet somehow hitting the Shark King ‘between’ the chest and the solar plexus ‘at the last moment’ despite there being no deadline, and despite the fact that the chest and the solar plexus is directly next to each other, and thus having no middle area. And this somehow causes the Shark King to fly backwards, despite not moving an inch whilst being punched over a thousand times.
The Girl: …That makes no sense.
Robin: I never said it would.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 22
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 11
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 21
Tiburon coughed as blood ran all down his face.
Robin: …Why is there blood on his face? Was my interpretation of the attack inaccurate? *Squints* Either way, I still see no mention of the Shark King being attacked in the face from the above passages.
The Girl: …Well, you did just say we completely skipped over ten minutes of the fight. Maybe the Stu decided to break out his scalping knife during those ten minute?
He got up and kneeld over as he began to throw up blood.
The Girl: …I…kind of feel bad for the Shark King here. I mean, he was just setting up a government in the East Blue, and these people rock up and complain because he dare set taxes. We don’t even ever see his men use violence to acquire those taxes. And now his home is invaded, his crew slaughtered, and he can’t do anything about it because the God in their universe is firmly on the side of his enemy, no matter how unreasonable. And seriously, throwing up blood? That kind of means he hasn’t got long to live. Especially not if there’s not doctors around for him to get to.
Robin: I would feel sorry for him, except I’m far too preoccupied trying to figure out how being stabbed in the torso is the equivalent of a paper cut to him, and yet a few punches on the most well protected part of his body is apparently fatal.
"Hmph...you really are strong to survive those..." David sighed as he stood there with a smile.
The Girl: …
The Shark King is on his knees in front of him throwing up blood.
Another man is kneeling in front of him, beaten and broken, vomiting up blood.
And he complains about how he’s not dead yet.
And he’s SMILING about it.
In fact, smiling and sighing at the same time makes me think that he thinks this is all very wistful and nostalgic. Because he’s tortured countless others before.
And he’s not even going to mercy kill the Shark King. He is going to take his sweet time because he likes hearing him scream.
Seriously, he carries a nail-ripping machine with him, doesn’t he?
SOCIOPATHY: 14
Robin: Right. Surviving being stabbed in the torso six times is not at all remarkable. Surviving a few slow-motion punches? Apparently awesome. I give up trying to figure out this Stuthor’s logic. *Drinks rum heartily*
"You...I'm going to kill you!" Tiburon exclaimed, "I didn't want to have to do it, but you've made me!"
Robin: *Almost chokes on her rum* Excuse me?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 24 (DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT! WE’RE ALMOST HALF WAY THROUGH THE FIC, AND HE’S BEEN FIGHTING WITH DAVID FOR THREE GODDAMNED CHAPTERS! AND HE ONLY FIGURES OUT THAT HE SHOULD PROBABLY BE TRYING TO KILL AN INVADER, A CHALLENGER TO HIS AUTHORITY, AND SOMEONE WHO HAS TRIED TO KILL HIS CREW. TWO COUNTS, BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT.)
The Girl: And remember, he was VOMITING BLOOD one sentence ago. That is not a superficial injury. He was coughing blood too. He has such intensive internal injury that blood is seeping into his major organs! That is not something you recover from without help! Even ignoring the six gaping holes in his torso, there is no way he should be able to keep fighting!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 5
Robin: Why, exactly, didn’t you want to do it? He has been consistently rude, arrogant, and dismissive towards you. He waltzed onto your private island and insulted your ideology. He beat you up, and seems to be determined to cause you as much pain as possible. His crew is out there, fighting your own crew. Why didn’t you want to kill him? What has he done that has ever endeared him to you? What, is it just because of his age? There were people chasing after me, baying for my blood, since I was eight! That is no excuse! And how has he made you do it? You’ve let him get away with far more drastic attacks! And you could have avoided being attacked if you wanted to! What has he done that he hasn’t done before?
The Girl: *Puts arms around Robin* There, there, calm down. If you lose it, who’ll drop tanks of water on top of me when I blow up? Come on, it’s not like we haven’t seen this before.
"Do what?" David asked
The Girl: HE JUST SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU! WERE YOU LISTENING AT ALL? CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH NOW? HE JUST SAID EXACTLY WHAT HE’S GOING TO DO ONE FUCKING SECOND AGO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-
Robin: *Throws cup of beer in her face*
The Girl: Gah! My eyes!
Robin: Sorry, I couldn’t find the keyboard. I think it got stuck in the couch.
The Girl: *Wipes face furiously* It’s okay.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 11
as Tiburon began to grow larger and larger.
The Girl: …There is a time and place, you know…
The back of his head began to sprout out,
Robin: Excuse me? It began to what? Are you implying that he didn’t have a back of the head before, and it’s only now growing out?
The Girl: By ‘sprout out’…are you implying that the back of his head was a plant? What the hell is going on?
THESAURUS RAPE: 6
his arms and ribs began to eform
The Girl: E-form. *Snickers* The Shark King is a Digimon!
and sporut large tentacles,
The Girl: *Horrified silence*
Robin: What…on…earth…
The Girl: *High-pitched squeak, still utterly horrified*
he evnetually grew to large for where he was standing.
The Girl: He was in a gigantic hall! You said that a chapter ago! And if the place was indeed so tiny, how was David able to pull all those fancy moves?
Robin: Not to mention, why doesn’t the Shark King just keep growing, and suffocate David or squish him to a paste? And why would he not build his headquarters larger, if he knew about this power? After all, he’s going to use it in combat. Wouldn’t he prepare beforehand so there was enough space for him?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 12
He jumped into the water filled abyss
The Girl: …Brave Sir Robin, indeed.
Robin: The abyss maybe very deep, granted, but it’s still not going to be as wide as a hall. How is jumping in going to help matters? He still would be too large.
as he grew larger and larger eventually David was facing a kraken.
Robin: …And again, the Stuthor has surpassed my expectations. How does he keep topping himself?
The Girl: I…can’t believe I even noticed this, but if he was turning into a kraken, then he most certainly didn’t leap into the water because he didn’t have enough space. He went there because Krakens don’t survive very well outside of the water. They’re pretty much giant octopi.
Robin: And octopi don’t jump very well. He may slither or crawl to the pool, but I doubt he will be able to dive into it gracefully.
"Whoa! That is so cool!" David yelled pointing at the kraken.
Robin: Who are you talking to?
The Girl: *Irritably* Look, only a very select few can break the fourth wall. Deadpool, the Joker, the Narrator from the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy…NOT YOU.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 13 (Another count, for the overall transformation scene)
"Haahaha!
The Girl: *Groans loudly*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 22
You like I ate the Kraken Kraken Devil Fruit! One of the rarest Zoan Devil Fruits!"
The Girl: *Sighs* Do you see now why I said this is the worst chapter so far?
Robin: Yes. In two short sentences, the Stuthor has managed to completely undermine every single fact known about the devil fruits. There is no such thing as a ‘rarest’ devil fruit, because there is only one of each type. They are all equally rare. A devil fruit giving you utterly useless powers, such as the ability to not need to blink, will be just as hard to find as a fruit that allows you to warp reality to your will. There may be a most sought after fruit, but there will never be a rarest one.
And rarity does not necessarily mean people will want it. One of the biggest dilemmas people face when discovering a devil fruit is whether to eat it or not, because people are perfectly capable of becoming the strongest men in the world without any powers. However, eat the fruit, and you are stuck with that ability for the rest of your life, no matter whether you like it or not. And if you come upon a very powerful fruit later, you can’t eat it. Selling the fruit would guarantee you immediate profit, though, but are you willing to let the chance of having the ability, say, to manipulate fire pass you by? So, just because it’s rare, doesn’t tell me anything about the power level. It just makes you look pretentious.
One of the biggest downsides to devil fruits is the fact that they prevent you from ever swimming again. Seeing as most devil fruit users are either pirates or marine officers, this present a significant problem, as they spend the better part of their days around the sea. Furthermore, anyone who can get their hands on a sea stone can render you utterly helpless. You are basically acquiring great power whilst creating a huge handicap for yourself. And this works, because this allows those without powers to fight on equal footing with devil fruit users. This makes sure that no one is so strong that they become game breakers. This ensures that devil fruit users actually has to try and make an effort in order to get strong, and nothing is handed to them on a silver plate. By letting him transform himself into a sea creature whose natural habitat is the ocean, you have effectively removed all weakness and flaws from him. You’ve defeated one of the most interesting dilemmas and piece of symbolism. And you have raped one of the fundamental laws of the universe: if you eat the devil fruit, the sea itself will reject you.
The Girl: *Claps* Also, Krakens don’t exist in the One Piece universe. They have Sea Kings, which fill the role of the Kraken as the ‘Giant Monster living In the Sea’. They have no need for Krakens, so please stop blending canons.
And Krakens are GIANT OCTOPI! They may have a mouth, but they most certainly don’t lips and tongues which can form human words! He shouldn’t be able to speak! And even if he were to speak, he’d still be submerged in water! The mouth of an octopus is located UNDER it, protected by the tentacles! Unless he’s turning himself upside down, exposing his underside to the world, he should be able to say anything!
And just how is turning into a Kraken going to help him defeat David? He’s now stuck in a tiny pool of water. If David steps back out of range, he won’t be able to hurt him, since he won’t be able to come out of the pool. The only way this power may work is if the pool was connected to the ocean, and he’s planning to run away. I seriously don’t see how he’s going to kill David.
And turning into another form does not negate his injuries! The injuries he had as a fishman would just carry over to his Kraken form! He’d be just as injured! If he was too weak to stand before, than he will still be too weak to attack! You don’t magically heal by changing forms! It doesn’t work that way!
Also, it’s incredibly confusing to give a single character two animal motifs. Is he supposed to be a shark or an octopus? Choose one and stick with it! Oda had plenty of animal themed heroes and villains, but each of them only had ONE gimmick! It makes your character much more identifiable! And it makes their personality more stable too, seeing as they’re only taking attributes from ONE animal! Gah!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 15 (One for the canon rape, one for the basic logic fail.)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 26 (I don’t care how you do it, just stop talking. And if this was so powerful, why did you change into this form from the beginning? What, you didn’t WANT to kill him, then?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 12 (For all the reasons outlined above about how turning into an octopus is not going to help things.)
"Well that's cool, but I'm still going to have to kill you."
The Girl: He is talking about murder here. Just in case you didn’t catch that.
Robin: And he’s talking to a former Shichibukai with devil fruit powers that leave him no flaws and who is a gigantic monster. And he is utterly convinced of his own infallibility. If that is not arrogance, I don’t know what is.
The Girl: Look, Stuthor, I really understand that you’re trying to make him like Luffy, with all his fawning over how ‘cool’ a giant monster is. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM SUDDENLY TURN AROUND AND DECLARE MURDER LIKE THAT! NAÏVE BEHAVIOUR CAN BE CUTE, BUT WHEN COUPLED WITH SUCH SOCIOPATHY, ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOUR STU EVEN CREEPIER!
SOCIOPATHY: 17 (Yes, I know this doesn’t really deserve three counts, since he hasn’t killed anyone yet, but a hero just casually mentioned murder in a One Piece fic! I’m pissed, okay?)
"Oh really? Try me!" Tiburon yelled
Robin: So…stabbing you six times in the torso, slamming you into a wall, and beating you up so badly that you’re vomiting blood doesn’t convince you?
The Girl: I would just like to point out again that this was supposed to be a threatening villain. We’re meant to be scared of him. And we’re meant to be worrying whether the Stu will be able to handle him or not. THIS PERSON IS MEANT TO BE ON PAR WITH ARLONG AND CROCODILE AND ENERU! Because if I have to suffer, then you guys have to as well.
raising one of his tentacles and swung it down hard against the bride.
The Girl: *Chokes on her cake* The WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Robin: Apparently, during the ten minutes we skipped, a wedding ceremony took place.
The Girl: …Excuse me. I have to go throw up again.
Robin: *Worried glance* I would also like to point out that…that’s not how you use tentacles. They may look like giant whips, but they are still made out of flesh. Flinging them against something will only hurt you. They are meant to be used for strangulation and suffocation. You don’t swing them down at people. You curl them around people’s necks and squeeze.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 27
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 15
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 18
"Aaahh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 23
Robin: Are you quite alright? Do you need the keyboard? I’ve found it.
The Girl: *Weakly* I’ll manage…
David slid back from the force and just got right back up,
The Girl: *Screeches* GIANT OCTOPUS! HUMONGUS TENTACLES! THOSE THINGS ARE HEAVY! EVEN IF THAT’S NOT HOW YOU’RE MEANT TO USE THEM, THEY WILL STILL DO DAMAGE! PHYSICS, DAMMIT! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY GODDAMNED POWERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Robin: *Conjures comically giant hammer and hits the girl on the head with it*
The Girl: …Ow. You’re getting creative.
Robin: How else am I supposed to be entertained? Read the fic?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 7 (One for ‘just sliding back’ and one for ‘got right back up again’.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 16 (How the heck are you supposed to get back up if you never fell in the first place?)
"Right..." David picked up both of his swords
The Girl: FINALLY!
Robin: The Shark King has gigantic tentacles. And he does not think to grab the swords and fling them out of the window? Or drag them into the pool with him? He doesn’t even thing to grab David when the hit landed? He just…sit there and let him take his weapons?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 28
and grinned, "This'll be fun."
The Girl: *Flatly* Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fun. The only time you ever smile is when you’re attempting to murder someone, after all.
SOCIOPATHY: 19
"Chase!" Riru yelled as she went after the fallen Chase
The Girl: *Suddenly perks up* Fallen? He died?
Robin: I don’t think so.
The Girl: Hey! I can dream, can’t I?
Robin: And I see we skip the entire searching process, and only pick up again when the spotlight is properly on one of the main Stus. Because the only purpose Avery and Riru serve is comic relief, padding, and being fawning sycophants.
The Girl: How they came into the crew tell you everything you need to know, doesn’t it? Riru was there because she was enslaved, and Avery was there due to blackmail. If they didn’t join, they would have been killed. They never even had any choice.
and took out her first aid kit.
The Girl: Wait, she had a first aid kit with her? Those are pretty clunky! Was she carrying it with her throughout the battle? Why did she have it in the first place? She joined the crew immediately after being beaten up by them, and I doubt they gave her the time to go home and fetch her luggage. Where did she get a first aid kit from?
Robin: Her only purpose is to heal the Big Strong Men, because super speed is a stupid power. I expect she carries around the box like a security blanket, because it’s the only thing that gives her meaning in life.
The Girl: Wow. Everyone in this story is pathetic, aren’t they?
"Hahah..." Chase chuckled.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 15
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 24
Robin: I don’t see any reason why he should be laughing. And why is he awake? He fell unconscious last time we saw him from exhaustion. You don’t wake up from those after a few minutes. He should still be a bloody lump on the ground right now.
The Girl: I expect he’s laughing because the assimilation process concerning Riru is going better than he imagined. Less than a day with them and she’s already dropped all hatred of them, reduced herself to nothing but a medic, and is worrying and fretting over his as a proper woman should. I bet he’s damned proud of himself. *Spits*
"What?" Avery asked.
The Girl: (Avery) I think he’s hysterical. Aren’t you supposed to slap people who are hysterical? *Promptly bitchslaps*
Robin: I thought hysterical women were cured by doctors wielding dildos?
The Girl: …Uh…That happened in your history as well? GAH, WHAT AM I THINKING? NO! NO! DO NOT GO THERE, BRAIN, OR I’LL PERSONALLY GOUGE YOU OUT AND SCRUB YOU WITH INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH BLEACH!
"I don't know..."
Robin: (Chase) Anything…
The Girl: *Smiles* Catching on fast.
Robin: Well, if I didn’t do that, I would have imagined that line being said in the most pretentious, smug tone I have ever heard. ‘Oh, I have no idea what could be so hysterical. Riru fussing all over me like she wasn’t trying to kill me a few hours ago, or the fact that I just brutally killed another man. It’s all so hilarious.’
The Girl: *Grimly* The only person who gets away with that is the Joker, and you’re nowhere near his levels of awesomeness.
"What hurts?" Riru asked.
The Girl: DUDE, HE’S LYING ON THE GROUND, INJURED AND BLEEDING! JUST LOOK AT HIM, OR DO YOU NOT HAVE EYES! HE PROBABLY HAS BRUISES AND CUTS! HE WAS IN A FIGHT! IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S GOT A MALIGNANT TUMOUR! YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY INJURIES PRETTY EASILY! I’VE NEVER HAD FIRST AID TRAINING IN MY LIFE, AND I CAN TELL IF SOMEONE’S BEEN RECENTLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE! AND YOU DARE TO CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR?
Robin: To be fair, we’re never given any description as to whether Chase is injured or not. For all we know, he’s just lying on the ground because he feels like it. Nonetheless, that still doesn’t seem to be a wise question to be asking someone who’s just come out of mortal combat. He could be in shock, or have extensive nerve damage, and it’s much more accurate to just check him over with your eyes, instead of relying on his telling you where he’s hurt. *Shakes head* She’s even useless as a healer.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 17
"Everything..." Chase smiled.
The Girl: IF YOU WERE REALLY INJURED EVERYWHERE, YOU WOULD NOT BE FUCKING SMILING! EVERYWHERE IS A LOT OF PLACES! HE WOULD BE FALLING UNCONSCIOUS JUST BECAUSE OF THE SHEER PAIN! The only way this makes sense if he was playing up his injuries for sympathy.
Robin: He may be hoping that she will ‘comfort’ him.
The Girl: *Appalled* Robin!
Robin: *Shrugs* I’m in a pirate crew. I think I’m entitled to be crude. That said, everywhere IS a lot of places. So, tell me, how did your anus get injured during the fight? Is the little bone in your ear broken as well? What about the nail on your fourth toe?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 8
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 18
"I probably should've told ya Tora was stronger than he appeared."
The Girl: DUDE, TORA DIDN’T GET TO DO ANYTHING! All we have seen in this fight is how the Stu utterly pwns him! HE STOOD NO FUCKING CHANCE! You can keep telling me how oh so strong and powerful he is, but I’m not going to buy it until YOU FUCKING SHOW IT! BY HAVING HIM KICK YORU STU’S ASS! AND DOING ACTUAL DAMAGE! But you won’t because you’re a big WIMP!
Robin: And please do not randomly give people accents. It jars horribly, and serves absolutely no purpose. Contrary to your beliefs, not all people talk in the same, brain dead way. You’re just systematically stripping your own characters of whatever little characterisation they have.
The Girl: Look, let’s just move on. This section’s almost finished, and I honestly can’t muster up the energy to point out everything wrong with the line. It’s just…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 19
"It's alright, it was fun beating him up." Chase joked.
The Girl: *Jaw drops*
Robin: Fun? Joked? And you are using these words in the context of murder? The Stu has finally moved beyond mere villain territory. I don’t recall even Spandam having that amount of light-hearted glee at the suffering and death of another man. You have successfully become worse than THE most despicable man I have ever seen. Congratulations.
SOCIOPATHY: 22 (HE’S JOKING ABOUT MURDER! HE DESERVES EVERY COUNT HE GETS!)
The Girl: And I really love how he brushes over the fact that he freaking KILLED him! What’s the matter? You were perfectly alright with it when you committed the act! What, you just didn’t want your little minions to think badly of you? *Snarls*
"Well, we got rid of all the Fishmen
The Girl: Got rid of. That…THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT MURDER HERE! I am never getting over that! They are talking about murder, and look at the language they’re using! ‘Got rid of’! They talking as though they’re disposing garbage! That is not how normal people react to murder! They talk like goddamned serial killers disposing witnesses! Gah!
Robin: Yes, and we never see you do it. Because the Stuthor’s far too busy masturbating to his own awesomeness by proxy to focus on you. After all, it’s not like you’re a part of the main cast, right?
SOCIOPATHY: 23
and sent them into the ocean on our rowboat."
Robin: Why? I still don’t understand. What on earth did you do it for?
The Girl: I wonder if they realise what kind of fic they’re in, and is desperately trying to keep the Stus from fucking up canon any further by trapping them all on an abandoned island. But I have a feeling it’s just the Stuthor being stupid.
"Cool...wait what?" Chase yelled,
Robin: *Blinks* He…realises this is bad? The Stuthor realised that this was illogical…and still wrote it? He realised how stupid it was, and yet still kept that scene in there, and then distributed this document to the public? No. This is not just stupidity. This is…I’ve seen flatworms more intelligent than this!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 20
"Ah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 25
The Girl: ‘Surprise!’ Riru said as she boned young Chase- Okay, I’m going to stop right there.
"Stop, you can't get mad right now. You'll open your wounds."
Robin: …Wasn’t he fighting against an opponent using his fists? How did he get that many open wounds? He might have some from damage from slamming into building and so on…but for open wounds to be his prominent injuries? Shouldn’t he have more organ damage and extensive bruising?
The Girl: And why can’t he get mad? He’s not doing anything, he’s just shouting. Normally, when people cringe as they get mad on TV, it’s because they’re trying to sit up. He’s not doing that here. And really, if his injuries only came from being thrown around, just how deep can they be? The injuries where you can’t even shout, lest you strain yourself, are usually huge sword wounds or bullet wounds. He was fighting someone using their fists. What the hell are you trying to do here? Weren’t you getting off on how unaffected and awesome your Stus were, and how they can withstand fatal attacks with nary a scratch?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 9 (This made no sense, but I wasn’t sure where to put it.)
"How deep are they?" Avery asked.
Robin: Like a puddle.
"They aren't too deep, bu at the same time they won't be easy to heal."
The Girl: Uh…why? If they’re not deep…how can they be hard to heal? The only way that could happen is if you deliberately picked at the wounds so they end up jagged and torn. Or you deliberate rub it in faeces so you get an infection. HE WAS FIGHTING AGAINST SOMEONE USING ONLY THEIR FISTS! THE ONLY CUTS HE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN WOULD HAVE COME FROM THE DEBRIS! You’re just fishing for sympathy here, aren’t you?
Robin: Or, he’s rubbing it in your face. You said he never hurts his protagonists, so he makes sure to mention one of them getting badly injured. Of course, he completely misses the point. These injuries make absolutely no sense. If you want to talk about grievous injuries, then talk about internal organ damage! They’re much more serious, and you can conceivably get them in a simple fist fight.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 21
"Well good thing you're with us." Chase smiled.
The Girl: Dude, she couldn’t tell what was wrong with you at first glance! She just admitted to not being able to heal light scratches! She didn’t even consider how you might have a concussion or internal damage! She barely checked you over! She ADMITTED that she only had basic first aid skills! WHAT GOOD IS SHE GOING TO DO?
Robin: Yes. Her only value is in healing you. Her super speed won’t come in handy at all, and of course she has absolutely no other talent. She’s just there so you can plunge into the next ‘action’ scene faster. Why can’t we have a ‘You Sexist Bastard’ count? This fic deserves one, really.
The Girl: Maybe it does. But I can’t put the effort into keeping up with another counter. Let’s just rage at it impotently, that seems to be working well.
"Yeah yeah, just let me do this."
The Girl: (Riru) *Pulls on rubber gloves* Does anyone have any lube?
Robin: …Is it just me, or do these characters all sound the same? Riru, Avery, Chase, David, the Shark King , Tora…all of them have the exact same style of speech, namely, that of a teenaged, illiterate little child who think he’s ‘cool’.
The Girl: *Drily* Hey, what do you know? The Stuthor is one. What were you expecting? That he would give them unique personalities and characterisation?
"Where's David?" Avery asked.
Robin: …You and Riru have already taken care of the entire rest of the crew. The First Mate was dispatched by Chase. David expressed a clear desire to take down the Shark King two chapters ago. And you can’t figure out where he might be? *Shakes head wordlessly*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 22
"He's fighting Tiburon.."
The Girl: Wait a minute! How does he know the Shark King’s name? It’s only reveal by the Shark King to David! And he definitely wasn’t there at the time! What, does he have omniscience as well, now?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 23
"What? I should go help him."
The Girl: Erm…thanks. You should. Thank you for pointing that out. I totally would never have figured it out if you didn’t say that.
Robin: And the way he talks about this, as though he’s exasperated that he has to help a friend that he believes to be in a potentially fatal situation…And how he’s apparently sitting around, procrastinating, pondering over his decision, when, for all he knows, David is dying at the hands of the Shark King. Nice to see how much the Stuthor values his friends.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 16
SOCIOPATHY: 24
"Avery don't..." Chase muttered.
The Girl: (Chase) No! Don’t leave me! I can’t live without you!
Robin: I was thinking along the lines of: (Chase) Don’t, Avery! I don’t want this! Please, stop! Riru is watching!
The Girl: …I…really never figured you for a slasher.
Robin: Obviously, you don’t know as much about our world as you claim to. *Enigmatic smile*
"Why not?"
The Girl: (Chase) Because, when he gets killed, I’LL get to be the Captain of this crew! Mwahahahahaha!
Robin: (Chase) Get back here, you little minion! Who said you can go hog the spotlight? David must be the centre of every scene, because he’s the Stuthor’s avatar! We can’t have you wander in and steal his screen time! Now, get to it! My ass ain’t gonna kiss itself!
The Girl: …You…scare me sometimes, you know.
Robin: Do I? That’s a pity. *Smile turns even more enigmatic*
"Let him handle it, he's got this."
The Girl: …No. I don’t buy it. I bought it with Luffy and Zoro because they’ve sparred with each other. They’ve cooperated with each other. They know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and often worked together on the same quest. Throughout this entire fic, not once have you ever worked together with David against a common enemy. You know nothing about his strength. I don’t buy this whole ‘I’ve got confidence in him!’ thing at all! Which is ridiculous, considering you guys have been together since childhood, and yet Luffy had a more profound friendship with Zoro half an hour after meeting him.
Robin: I can’t shake off the feeling that Chase is deliberately holding Avery back because he wants David to be killed. And it would be in-character too, given what we’ve seen from this.
SOCIOPATHY: 25 (Not so much for truly sociopathic behaviour, as for raping the message of One Piece and undermining Luffy and Zoro’s friendship.)
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."
Robin: (Chase) Hypothetically speaking, though, you WOULD support me as Captain is David doesn’t make it, won’t you? I mean, apart from the Shark King, there are just so many accidents waiting to happen at sea…
The Girl: (Avery) Oh, you said he’s going to be fine? I instantly believe you and immediately stop worrying about him, even though I know exactly how strong the Shark King is. *Resumes normal voice* Seriously, though, he knows about the Shark King and his crew, right? So why hasn’t he been briefing them on the row to the island? Just simple information like, ‘Oh yeah, the Shark King totally has a Kraken fruit’, or ‘Tora really likes to play up the weakling act’ would have helped a lot! And yet he stayed silent throughout the entire trip! I’m utterly convinced he’s desperately trying to get them all killed, because he realises exactly how psychotic these people are.
SOCIOPATHY: 26
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 24
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 4
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 2