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i have never lived before now.
i get excited looking up careers now. i think syllabus pdfs are love letters promising a golden key upon completion, a gilded door to walk through in which i achieve the first ivory stone block to build the Kayla's New LifeⒸ corporate building by unlocking the first level: absence of meaningful work. i get excited about the idea of studying with ( Read more... ) -
apology letter to those left behind in 2021.
i'm been taking angry naps now for the last two days. angry naps are what i do now instead of getting slammed by 1130am. it's not as fun, but it gives me something to 'do', if you will, with all my thoughts. and like with alcohol, when it's over i'm still left with all the swirling emotions. so now i'm writing to try and get this resolved. it's so ( Read more... ) -
a letter to my baby brother
this one is weird. at your age, if i received something like this from someone older than me, i'd probably find it awkward. cringey, maybe? like...you don't know. one of the first times that my mom and i actually were TRYING to communicate with each other during our rough times on brill was through letter writing. i was somewhere between 12 and 14 ( Read more... ) -
THE TRUTH IS, LILITH WAS BLACK. (ignore this rant)
You're gonna absolutely hate me for saying this, but it needs to be said I think. I have come to this conclusion as I finally turned my father in for sexually assaulting me throughout my pre-pubescent years of living. I suddenly realized that the reason my life went to trash, the reason why I feel off-track, misaligned, distraught, and DRUNK all ( Read more... ) -
greatness is a ghost
so, something early on that i realized about texas, right? it rains alot. i mean, there is a lot of chaotic weather. above all really, it's just hot.
i always feel stuffy.
today i am just about fed up with my own self-defeating mentality. i think it's so interesting that i have given myself the ability to manifest the things i want and yet i fail ( Read more... ) -
fuck you, i don't want to write this. alt title:(i love you)
it's stuck in my head, dammit. YOU ARE STUCK IN MY HEAD. living rent free, mooching like you always do. enough! there's something i have to say. i hate whining. i hate being confrontational. but i can't smile quite the way i want to as long as you live upstairs next door to my happiness. the two neighbors are noisy - so something must be said. ( Read more... ) -
love you, i do
this has been a really long, large period of loss.
i've had my job taken away, my apartment, my credit, my figure, the health of my cat, my car, a second job, my grades, 2 apartment applications, my person, my household belongings, my relationship with my brother, my savings, my international trips, my vices, my fantasies, and more and more and ( Read more... ) -
goodnight and go
i washed the sun go down and then woke up somewhere in the meantime to watch it rise back up again. i like watching the street lights turn off, one by one. it makes me feel on top of the world right here on the balcony, new york city lights in the distance. i keep thinking about virginia woolfe.
in order to create, one needs money and a room of one ( Read more... ) -
i hate this.
i say that to myself probably like 100x a day. then i quickly correct my thinking and i'm like, 'no! only think positive!' because you know, crystals and the power of manifestation and more green tea pills and etc etc because whatever the hell these days right?
but i do. i hate this.
i'm not sure what i hate (hated?) more--having everything and ( Read more... ) -
i don't cry anymore so it rains for me every now and again
i love it when my cat turns around to look at me. there's something always floating in her eye then; a sense of peace, admiration. Confirmation.
OR so i'd like to believe. i know the stinging pain of when she turns away from me when i've done something wrong, i can trust that pain. So i'd like to trust that this means i've done something right.
( Read more... )