Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 05
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 43
News
Well…actually, there isn’t really much news. The news is that we’ve all lost two days’ memory. Gwen tells me that Rhys has filled in a few details, such as the fact that she apparently forgot who he was for a while. All logs and CCTV within the base have been wiped for the 48-hour period, and there is limited CCTV deletion in the vicinity of the Plass and the tourist office.
No Rift alerts remain on file, and there is nothing new either in the archives or the vaults. Five doses of Retcon were logged out of the stores by Jack, and he recommends that none of us try to remember anything from the past two days.
No weevil activity to report, although of course there’s no knowing what happened during those two days.
Personnel issues
Owen seems to have sent Tosh flowers during the missing two days. He denies this, stupidly.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Gwen asks that everyone (particularly Jack) please stop using smiley faces or other emoticons in emails, because it drives her crazy and makes her liable to throw things.
I’m going to get lunch at that bakery across town, since I’ve got to go over there to check up on the storage lockers anyway. If anyone wants anything other than the usual, please let me know.
And no, Jack, you can’t come with me, you have paperwork to do and a phone call with the PM this afternoon.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Anything with chocolate. Seriously. Those double chocolate chip muffins they do? Get me two, please. Oh, and some chocolate cookies, please. The ones with the smarties on top?
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just had another phone-call from the PM’s office; he’s pushed back our meeting until 8. If he tries to fob me off with another junior secretary again I’m thinking a Torchwood Road-Trip may be in order.
Ianto, eat-in tonight or eat-out late? I’d tell him where to shove his 8PM meeting, but I’m still waiting to hear why they thought we wouldn’t notice MI5 trying to hack into our systems. These people obviously haven’t met Toshiko.
Did you have a nice time in Paris, Gwen? I don’t remember if I asked you or not. :P
(An irritated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I told you, I don’t do flowers. Somebody has set me up. Jack, I’m looking at you. However, just because I don’t do flowers does not mean that I’m not a gentlemen. Therefore, Tosh, I have valiantly left you the last Mars Bar. I’ve put it in my desk so Gwen can’t nick it. I’ll bring it over in a second.
Just been to check on the baby squirrel-rat and it’s looking a bit edgy. I’m debating taking it for a walk on the plass; if anybody asks I’ll just tell them it’s a really ugly Chihuahua.
One bacon sarnie please, Ianto, with lashings of brown sauce. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I had a lovely time in Paris, Jack, thank you. Do you want arsenic with your coffee at 11 or would you prefer rat poison? You’ll get them both if you don’t STOP USING SMILEY BLOODY FACES.
I wouldn’t nick the chocolate, Owen. If there’s one thing women understand it’s when not to stand between a friend and her chocolate. Tosh, I have a big bag of minstrels in my locker, I’ll get them for you once I’ve finished these reports if you want.
Also I thought we were all still avoiding red meat? I’ll have a chicken salad, thanks Ianto. And a packet of crisps if they have any. Anything but cheese and onion, can’t stand even the smell of them.
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Actually, I don’t care who sent me flowers. It was a lovely gesture from whoever it was. And thank you, Owen, the Mars Bar is appreciated.
Yes, Gwen, I’d love the Minstrels if you don’t mind. Shall we have a break at 11 and share them? Ianto’s promised me a mocha before he heads off to check the various storage lockers. Jack, you can join us if you don’t mind that it’ll be girl talk. Owen, I’m not going to invite you, and I’m sure you don’t mind.
Oh, and Jack, don’t be too annoyed about MI5. I do like having fun with them. It’s entertaining. Not as entertaining as when UNIT or the MoD try it, of course, but that’s just me.
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Mochas and coffees are on your desks. I’m going out now, so call me with any final lunch orders. Yes, Jack, I will get a salad for myself. And one for you, because if I have to eat one, so do you.
Also - eat out late, if you don’t mind. Family thing at half five, I’ll be busy until seven.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
...I thought it was safe to eat it again. Ianto, I’ve changed my mind. Gwen’s put me off bacon, regardless of whether it’s safe to eat it again. I’ll have one of those tomato pasta salad things, please.
Ta, Tosh, I’ll be sure to avoid your girly gossip session. I’ll go autopsy something at eleven until Ianto comes back with the food.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If they try to mess me around again, Tosh, I’m going to give you an hour to do anything you want to their systems, just nothing that’s going to bring the country to a stand-still.
Ianto, table is booked for 9.30 at Valentino’s. If I’m still stuck on the phone come 9.15 I’ll invent a Weevil alert. Anybody fancy being on-call until 11? Like you, Owen? Double time?
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I told you to call me, Owen, so there’s no point yelling when I return with your original order. You’ve disturbed Myfanwy, it’s going to take me hours to calm her down now, and I’ve got to be out of here by five.
Jack, don’t you dare offer Owen double-time to do something that you and I usually do for normal pay. I will kill you. And eat chocolate dessert in front of you tonight and then go home ALONE. And if you don’t polish your dress shoes I’ll do that anyway, because they’re filthy.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
You could just pretend they’ve messed you around, couldn’t you, Jack?
Ianto, you’re definitely a god and I worship you. This muffin is delicious. And so chocolatey! I really wish that bakery was closer, or that the storage lockers needed checking more often.
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Thanks, Ianto. Do you want me to do the evening food rounds so you can get out a bit quicker?
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just a suggestion, given that we’ve yet to have a single meal that’s not been interrupted by weevils, stoned blowfish or Rift alerts. I just thought a nice UNINTERUPTED evening would be nice for once. If I have to pay Owen to make sure we get it then it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay.
I’ll polish my dress shoes, but you have to wear that red shirt I like so much. Deal or No Deal?
Gwen, why don’t you get Owen to help you with the evening rounds, assuming Ianto approves? He’s going out to walk the squirrel-rat anyway.
Tell you what, Tosh, seeing as how I know Archie is still a little annoyed about the MoD trying to break-in last month, why don’t you spend an hour or two playing with their systems? Nothing life threatening, other than that, have fun!
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
You are far too attached to that pterodactyl, you should remember it’s only an over-grown bird.
I’m off to walk the squirrel-rat. And no, I’m not going shopping because I’m not leaving this thing outside alone and I suspect trying to juggle pizza and control a hyperactive squirrel-rat would be too much even for somebody as brilliant as me.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Keeper of the Squirrel-Rats.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
It’s not the thought I disapprove of, it’s your method of carrying it out, Jack. If he gets double-time to cover for our date, why don’t others get double-time to cover in the evenings when Gwen’s on a date, or Tosh? And yet it’s never been suggested.
Thanks, Gwen, I appreciate that. You know where all the meat is in the big fridge? It’s all labelled for inmate. Don’t let Myfanwy out tonight, it’s going to be clear skies and she really needs cloud cover. The fish don’t need feeding tonight, I only do them every other day.
Jack - deal.
As it’s now 4pm, does anyone want one last coffee before I pack up?
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’d love another mocha if you’ve got time, Ianto.
Jack, when you say nothing life threatening, what are your exact parameters?
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Got it, thanks Ianto. And I’d love a coffee, thanks!
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
...Why hasn’t this been suggested before? I know I’ve thought about it, guess I just forgot to get around to doing something about it. Contract renewals are due next month, yeah? I’ll be sure to add in a bit about over-time bonuses when covering for other people.
Has anybody ever said no to a cup of your coffee, Ianto? Oh, are you coming back here or am I meeting you at the restaurant?
Life-threatening, Tosh, basically means that if the system goes down then a member of staff or the public could end up in a dangerous situation. If in doubt, I’d say don’t do it. :P
(A peaceful and content) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I am NEVER walking that bloody thing again. If anybody needs me I’ll be in my autopsy bay picking gravel out of my elbow.
Yes to the coffee and a Kit-Kat if we’ve got any left.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Head of the Anti-Squirrel-Rat Association.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Coffees are on your desks. We’re out of Kit-Kats, Owen, but I found a Mars Bar.
I am now LEAVING. Try not to kill yourselves before morning.
Whichever, Jack. Text me with a decision.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
When did it turn into 9pm? I’m heading home. Jack, get off the phone.
Tosh
Tech wizard, calming down.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’m done now, Tosh. Sorry if I gave you a fright, I saw you jump a couple of times, but loud threats appear to be the only form of communication politicians understand. If you pass Ianto on your way in will you send him up to my office?
Enjoy your evening, Tosh :)
(A now eager and anticipatory) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just to let everyone know, I’ll be up in the tourist office most of the day. I’ll come down at 11 and 3 for coffee rounds, and for lunch, obviously. I’ve got paperwork I can do up there, and I really do like to keep up appearances as much as possible.
Also apparently Jack’s expecting a guest later. Don’t ask me, I don’t know.
Ianto
Very satisfied coffee god. Very.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Owen, here are the files you wanted about those unexplained deaths you’ve been investigating. Full history and records: medical, academic and work. Nothing to link them as far as I can see - must be something on the medical or death side of things.
Jack, you’ve been around a while (and Ianto has told me not to ask him). I need a bloke’s opinion of my wedding dress. If you get ten minutes spare?
Gwen
Excited, excited, excited!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If this guest is another surprise UNIT inspection I’m going home. The last one was a disaster and I still don’t understand why we weren’t allowed to feed the arse-hole to the weevils.
Ta, Gwen. I’ll have a look through them after I’ve been to check on the baby squirrel-rat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’d be delighted, Gwen. Just let me know where and when.
Don’t worry, Owen, I’m fairly certain we’re not going to get any more inspections after that last one. I think he got the point after we accidentally locked him in that cell next to Janet.
Thanks for ringing the Hilton for me, Ianto. I can’t imagine why they like you more than me. I mean, okay, last time we stopped could have gone better, but I would have chalked that up to a small misunderstanding more than anything
(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If it’s a UNIT inspection I’m leaving.
(Not permanently, just until UNIT are out of Cardiff).
Tosh
Tech wizard, worried.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Apparently there’s some sort of wild dog trying to eat seagulls, about five miles along the coast. I’ve attached a picture - doesn’t look like a dog to me. Think it’s something for us?
Gwen
Excited, excited, excited!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Looks like a large Labrador to me, Gwen, but take Owen with you and go check it out.
Tosh, can I see you in my office? I need to talk to you about the next few days, make sure my VIP can get access to the Hub, amongst other things.
(A still excited) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 06
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 43
News
Well…actually, there isn’t really much news. The news is that we’ve all lost two days’ memory. Gwen tells me that Rhys has filled in a few details, such as the fact that she apparently forgot who he was for a while. All logs and CCTV within the base have been wiped for the 48-hour period, and there is limited CCTV deletion in the vicinity of the Plass and the tourist office.
No Rift alerts remain on file, and there is nothing new either in the archives or the vaults. Five doses of Retcon were logged out of the stores by Jack, and he recommends that none of us try to remember anything from the past two days.
No weevil activity to report, although of course there’s no knowing what happened during those two days.
Personnel issues
Owen seems to have sent Tosh flowers during the missing two days. He denies this, stupidly.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Gwen asks that everyone (particularly Jack) please stop using smiley faces or other emoticons in emails, because it drives her crazy and makes her liable to throw things.
I’m going to get lunch at that bakery across town, since I’ve got to go over there to check up on the storage lockers anyway. If anyone wants anything other than the usual, please let me know.
And no, Jack, you can’t come with me, you have paperwork to do and a phone call with the PM this afternoon.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Anything with chocolate. Seriously. Those double chocolate chip muffins they do? Get me two, please. Oh, and some chocolate cookies, please. The ones with the smarties on top?
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just had another phone-call from the PM’s office; he’s pushed back our meeting until 8. If he tries to fob me off with another junior secretary again I’m thinking a Torchwood Road-Trip may be in order.
Ianto, eat-in tonight or eat-out late? I’d tell him where to shove his 8PM meeting, but I’m still waiting to hear why they thought we wouldn’t notice MI5 trying to hack into our systems. These people obviously haven’t met Toshiko.
Did you have a nice time in Paris, Gwen? I don’t remember if I asked you or not. :P
(An irritated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I told you, I don’t do flowers. Somebody has set me up. Jack, I’m looking at you. However, just because I don’t do flowers does not mean that I’m not a gentlemen. Therefore, Tosh, I have valiantly left you the last Mars Bar. I’ve put it in my desk so Gwen can’t nick it. I’ll bring it over in a second.
Just been to check on the baby squirrel-rat and it’s looking a bit edgy. I’m debating taking it for a walk on the plass; if anybody asks I’ll just tell them it’s a really ugly Chihuahua.
One bacon sarnie please, Ianto, with lashings of brown sauce. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I had a lovely time in Paris, Jack, thank you. Do you want arsenic with your coffee at 11 or would you prefer rat poison? You’ll get them both if you don’t STOP USING SMILEY BLOODY FACES.
I wouldn’t nick the chocolate, Owen. If there’s one thing women understand it’s when not to stand between a friend and her chocolate. Tosh, I have a big bag of minstrels in my locker, I’ll get them for you once I’ve finished these reports if you want.
Also I thought we were all still avoiding red meat? I’ll have a chicken salad, thanks Ianto. And a packet of crisps if they have any. Anything but cheese and onion, can’t stand even the smell of them.
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Actually, I don’t care who sent me flowers. It was a lovely gesture from whoever it was. And thank you, Owen, the Mars Bar is appreciated.
Yes, Gwen, I’d love the Minstrels if you don’t mind. Shall we have a break at 11 and share them? Ianto’s promised me a mocha before he heads off to check the various storage lockers. Jack, you can join us if you don’t mind that it’ll be girl talk. Owen, I’m not going to invite you, and I’m sure you don’t mind.
Oh, and Jack, don’t be too annoyed about MI5. I do like having fun with them. It’s entertaining. Not as entertaining as when UNIT or the MoD try it, of course, but that’s just me.
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Mochas and coffees are on your desks. I’m going out now, so call me with any final lunch orders. Yes, Jack, I will get a salad for myself. And one for you, because if I have to eat one, so do you.
Also - eat out late, if you don’t mind. Family thing at half five, I’ll be busy until seven.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
...I thought it was safe to eat it again. Ianto, I’ve changed my mind. Gwen’s put me off bacon, regardless of whether it’s safe to eat it again. I’ll have one of those tomato pasta salad things, please.
Ta, Tosh, I’ll be sure to avoid your girly gossip session. I’ll go autopsy something at eleven until Ianto comes back with the food.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If they try to mess me around again, Tosh, I’m going to give you an hour to do anything you want to their systems, just nothing that’s going to bring the country to a stand-still.
Ianto, table is booked for 9.30 at Valentino’s. If I’m still stuck on the phone come 9.15 I’ll invent a Weevil alert. Anybody fancy being on-call until 11? Like you, Owen? Double time?
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I told you to call me, Owen, so there’s no point yelling when I return with your original order. You’ve disturbed Myfanwy, it’s going to take me hours to calm her down now, and I’ve got to be out of here by five.
Jack, don’t you dare offer Owen double-time to do something that you and I usually do for normal pay. I will kill you. And eat chocolate dessert in front of you tonight and then go home ALONE. And if you don’t polish your dress shoes I’ll do that anyway, because they’re filthy.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
You could just pretend they’ve messed you around, couldn’t you, Jack?
Ianto, you’re definitely a god and I worship you. This muffin is delicious. And so chocolatey! I really wish that bakery was closer, or that the storage lockers needed checking more often.
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Thanks, Ianto. Do you want me to do the evening food rounds so you can get out a bit quicker?
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just a suggestion, given that we’ve yet to have a single meal that’s not been interrupted by weevils, stoned blowfish or Rift alerts. I just thought a nice UNINTERUPTED evening would be nice for once. If I have to pay Owen to make sure we get it then it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay.
I’ll polish my dress shoes, but you have to wear that red shirt I like so much. Deal or No Deal?
Gwen, why don’t you get Owen to help you with the evening rounds, assuming Ianto approves? He’s going out to walk the squirrel-rat anyway.
Tell you what, Tosh, seeing as how I know Archie is still a little annoyed about the MoD trying to break-in last month, why don’t you spend an hour or two playing with their systems? Nothing life threatening, other than that, have fun!
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
You are far too attached to that pterodactyl, you should remember it’s only an over-grown bird.
I’m off to walk the squirrel-rat. And no, I’m not going shopping because I’m not leaving this thing outside alone and I suspect trying to juggle pizza and control a hyperactive squirrel-rat would be too much even for somebody as brilliant as me.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Keeper of the Squirrel-Rats.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
It’s not the thought I disapprove of, it’s your method of carrying it out, Jack. If he gets double-time to cover for our date, why don’t others get double-time to cover in the evenings when Gwen’s on a date, or Tosh? And yet it’s never been suggested.
Thanks, Gwen, I appreciate that. You know where all the meat is in the big fridge? It’s all labelled for inmate. Don’t let Myfanwy out tonight, it’s going to be clear skies and she really needs cloud cover. The fish don’t need feeding tonight, I only do them every other day.
Jack - deal.
As it’s now 4pm, does anyone want one last coffee before I pack up?
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’d love another mocha if you’ve got time, Ianto.
Jack, when you say nothing life threatening, what are your exact parameters?
Tosh
Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Got it, thanks Ianto. And I’d love a coffee, thanks!
Gwen
Confused. So what’s new?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
...Why hasn’t this been suggested before? I know I’ve thought about it, guess I just forgot to get around to doing something about it. Contract renewals are due next month, yeah? I’ll be sure to add in a bit about over-time bonuses when covering for other people.
Has anybody ever said no to a cup of your coffee, Ianto? Oh, are you coming back here or am I meeting you at the restaurant?
Life-threatening, Tosh, basically means that if the system goes down then a member of staff or the public could end up in a dangerous situation. If in doubt, I’d say don’t do it. :P
(A peaceful and content) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I am NEVER walking that bloody thing again. If anybody needs me I’ll be in my autopsy bay picking gravel out of my elbow.
Yes to the coffee and a Kit-Kat if we’ve got any left.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Head of the Anti-Squirrel-Rat Association.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Coffees are on your desks. We’re out of Kit-Kats, Owen, but I found a Mars Bar.
I am now LEAVING. Try not to kill yourselves before morning.
Whichever, Jack. Text me with a decision.
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
When did it turn into 9pm? I’m heading home. Jack, get off the phone.
Tosh
Tech wizard, calming down.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’m done now, Tosh. Sorry if I gave you a fright, I saw you jump a couple of times, but loud threats appear to be the only form of communication politicians understand. If you pass Ianto on your way in will you send him up to my office?
Enjoy your evening, Tosh :)
(A now eager and anticipatory) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Just to let everyone know, I’ll be up in the tourist office most of the day. I’ll come down at 11 and 3 for coffee rounds, and for lunch, obviously. I’ve got paperwork I can do up there, and I really do like to keep up appearances as much as possible.
Also apparently Jack’s expecting a guest later. Don’t ask me, I don’t know.
Ianto
Very satisfied coffee god. Very.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Owen, here are the files you wanted about those unexplained deaths you’ve been investigating. Full history and records: medical, academic and work. Nothing to link them as far as I can see - must be something on the medical or death side of things.
Jack, you’ve been around a while (and Ianto has told me not to ask him). I need a bloke’s opinion of my wedding dress. If you get ten minutes spare?
Gwen
Excited, excited, excited!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If this guest is another surprise UNIT inspection I’m going home. The last one was a disaster and I still don’t understand why we weren’t allowed to feed the arse-hole to the weevils.
Ta, Gwen. I’ll have a look through them after I’ve been to check on the baby squirrel-rat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
I’d be delighted, Gwen. Just let me know where and when.
Don’t worry, Owen, I’m fairly certain we’re not going to get any more inspections after that last one. I think he got the point after we accidentally locked him in that cell next to Janet.
Thanks for ringing the Hilton for me, Ianto. I can’t imagine why they like you more than me. I mean, okay, last time we stopped could have gone better, but I would have chalked that up to a small misunderstanding more than anything
(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
If it’s a UNIT inspection I’m leaving.
(Not permanently, just until UNIT are out of Cardiff).
Tosh
Tech wizard, worried.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Apparently there’s some sort of wild dog trying to eat seagulls, about five miles along the coast. I’ve attached a picture - doesn’t look like a dog to me. Think it’s something for us?
Gwen
Excited, excited, excited!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43
Looks like a large Labrador to me, Gwen, but take Owen with you and go check it out.
Tosh, can I see you in my office? I need to talk to you about the next few days, make sure my VIP can get access to the Hub, amongst other things.
(A still excited) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 06