Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 06
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 44
News
It has been an eventful and difficult week. Owen was killed in the line of duty, saving the lives of his team-mates. He was then revived into a state of living death by Captain Harkness, possessed by Death, and finally fought Death and won.
Owen has returned to active duty but is no longer allowed on indiscriminate field missions, due to his unfortunate lack of healing ability. Also he will no longer be requiring food or drink.
In other news, Dr Martha Jones has expressed both regret and satisfaction over her time here in Cardiff, and promises to visit again soon.
The clean-up from the Pharm continues, and Gwen is assisting me in liaising with local authorities and companies to clear the site. As it’s been confiscated, I suggest selling it to the city council for development. It would fund the ample bonus I’m sure Jack agrees is coming to us all at the end of the year.
Also, three sheep and a cow have been reported mauled this week. I’m afraid in all the confusion Myfanwy slipped a little in her training.
Personnel issues
As noted above, Owen is deceased but still walking and talking. He is still on the payroll but due to his physical health may not be entitled to the full hazard pay that he has been receiving (Owen and Jack need to liaise on this as soon as possible, please).
Jack has asked me to express formally here his gratitude and pride for the entire team for performing ‘with more than usual excellence’ (direct quote) during this mission.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant, but growing rapidly).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
As Owen is now king of the weevils, apparently, he has volunteered to take over feeding our resident weevils. I’m not sure why, but anything that makes my job easier is fine by me.
Jack asks that whoever stole his red braces owns up. In return, I ask that whoever stole my second-favourite red tie owns up. I’ll also point out that red is NOT his colour.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Hold on a minute, Ianto. Are you seriously telling me that because I died I have to take a PAY CUT!
I am not, I repeat NOT, taking a pay-cut because that stupid bastard brought me back. I can’t eat, drink or shag and you expect me to take a pay cut for this privilege. I THINK NOT, IANTO.
Also, to which of you bastards that left that copy of Frankenstein on my desk, I hope you choke on your coffee and die a painful, horrible death. Then I will find another one of those bastard gloves and bring you back, just so I can see your face when I start cutting you open with a blunt scalpel.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Technically, Owen, you no longer qualify for Full Hazard Pay. HOWEVER, I’m sure we can arrange something so you’re on the same wage. When you’re finished hacking at that dead weevil, come up to my office and we’ll sort something out.
Martha rang before to say she arrived in London okay. She asked me to pass on her best wishes and next time any of us are in London she says we have to call in.
(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
Hint. Hint.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It’s up to Jack, Owen, not me. I don’t sign the payslips. Also, yelling at me won’t help anything.
Coffee will be at three, Jack, and not before, since you had some just half an hour ago. If you want any before that, go and buy some. Do NOT touch my coffee machine.
Ianto
Coffee god in mourning. No, really.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I vote we forget about Owen and focus on the important part of the newsletter.
What are Jack and Ianto using ties and braces for? I want details, please!!!
Also - wedding in three weeks, people! I am absolutely bloody terrified.
Gwen
Absolutely bloody terrified!!!!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It was Jack, Owen. I saw him doing it, but you got to your desk before I could get rid of it.
Gwen - I have CCTV. I’ll burn you a disc later. I’ve got a whole load of information from UNIT to go over first, Jack wants to know what they’ve left out of the files they sent over to us.
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Toshiko Sato, don’t you dare!
JACK HARKNESS!!! You told me you deleted it all!!!!
Ianto
VERY PISSED OFF coffee god. Still mourning.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I did delete it all! You watched me delete it!
....Uh oh. I, erm, may have a DVD in my laptop, which I gave to Tosh last week to test some upgrades on. I thought I’d taken it out. Sorry! I’ll make it up to you. Tosh, I am coming over now and you are going to delete ALL of the footage from your hard-disk, your laptop, your DVD’s and any other copies you have.
Owen, the book was a joke, and also petty revenge for all the times you’ve joked about using me as a test-subject for your new, potentially lethal, medications. Feel free to throw it into the incinerator.
Deep, calming breaths, Gwen. Your wedding will be fine, I promise. You’ll look gorgeous in your dress, Rhys will look fetching in his suit and Ianto and I will make good use of one of the guest-rooms...assuming he’s forgiven me by then.
(An incredibly apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness (who is not afraid to grovel).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I am so pleased to see that you’ve all got your priorities sorted. I’m dead, that bloody pterodactyl is going mental again and the baby squirrel-rat still thinks it’s Linford Christie. But, of course, none of these things are as important as Jack and Ianto’s sex-life.
I’m going to go burn that book and then I’m going to go dissect something. You know where to find me in the unlikely event you lot come to your senses and manage to get your priorities right.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Calm down, you two, I wasn’t really going to keep the footage.
Jack, there are some major discrepancies between the information UNIT sent over, and what I can actually find on their system. Give me another hour to finish collating it, and I’ll send you details. There’s a few things I think you’ll find very interesting - such as the fact that they seem to have got their hands on a gun like those we have in the armoury that you tell us not to touch.
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Thank you, Tosh. I think.
Jack, grovelling is definitely in order. In fact, Rift allowing, you can cook me dinner tonight. Cook, not order take-away.
I’ll go up to Myfanwy in a minute. I think she’s bored, I’ve not been letting her out in this rain, and I know she can smell a difference in Owen, which isn’t helping her.
That wasn’t a dig, Owen, it’s a fact.
Also, whoever has the company credit card MUST return it to me as soon as possible. If a statement comes through with anything out of the ordinary, I will be very angry.
Ianto
Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Tosh, let me know as soon as you’re done with that report. Make it your top-priority, assuming you’ve not already.
Any requests, Ianto, or shall I get creative? Do I have to hand-make dessert or would you like to go grab some of that chocolate cake you like from the bakers next to Starbucks? However, if these UNIT discrepancies are as bad as Tosh thinks they are I can’t guarantee what time I’ll be done. If they’ve got Judoon weapons that I don’t know about I won’t be happy. If they’ve got weapons in Cardiff then I’m going over there and I’m not leaving until I get some answers.
I promise, though, that the first chance I get I will cook you the best meal you’ve ever eaten, but I assume you’ll still take care of the coffee afterwards?
(A grovelling) Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
…you can buy cake, Jack, but if you’re going to the local UNIT base, can I come?
Gwen, please stop pacing, it’s very distracting.
Still waiting on the credit card, by the way. I’m getting rather annoyed. Unless it’s Owen - you said something about a new x-ray machine, didn’t you?
Ianto
Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I’m not pacing, I’m walking around and ranting on the phone. There’s a complete difference. It’s quiet, nobody cares if I need to call the florist and the caterer.
And oh my god I will kill Rhys’ best man. Banana Boat’s only gone and got himself stuck in bloody Majorca for flogging bootleg cds!!!
God this is going to be a disaster.
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
First things first, Gwen, BREATHE! It’ll be fine. Come see me during the next coffee break and, if necessary, I know a few people who owe me a favour. We’ll get him back here in plenty of time for your wedding.
I was going to ask you to come anyway, Ianto. Don’t you think I look more intimidating when I’ve got a very handsome PA with me? (Yes, I know you’re not my PA, and that you are, in fact, much more than a PA.)
(A still grovelling) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, must you grovel over email? It’s making me nauseous; if I could throw up properly I would.
Ianto, I’ve got the credit-card. I bought the new x-ray machine, which is due next week. I’ll be on hand to retcon the delivery bloke. I also bought the squirrel-rat a plastic-ball to run around his cell in.
I’m going back downstairs to autopsy another Weevil. Somebody come get me when it’s safe to read my emails again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
The UNIT report is on your desk, Jack. You were - are, from what I can see - busy with Ianto at the coffee machine.
Gwen, what’s the problem with the florist? I thought you picked out your arrangements two months ago?
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Oh, Jack, could you? The embassy seems to be doing bloody nothing.
The florist has called and told me they can’t do that arrangement, Tosh, since their supplier has gone bust. So I am screwed. Very, very screwed. I have to choose from the arrangements they assure me they can get and I have to make sure the flowers match the dress and change the roses and it’s all a nightmare!
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I’ve got the report, Tosh. Anybody who needs anything out of the archives please ask Ianto for them NOW as we’re off to pay UNIT a surprise visit. We’re leaving in the next 30 minutes.
Gwen, I’m on my way over to your desk now with some numbers. The first is for a really good florist in Swansea. I’ve already rang her telling her to expect your call. She’ll be able to sort out your flower crisis. Just don’t stare at her tail when you go over. The second is for a guy I know at the embassy. Just tell him my name and he should help. If not, just remind him that I’ve got a long memory and “what happens in Rio, doesn’t necessarily stay in Rio”.
Ianto and I will both have our mobiles, but try and only call us in an emergency.
(An almost-but-not-quite disbelieving) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack. A word. Now.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god, still mourning.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, I bloody love you! Can I have tomorrow morning off?
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, pay attention to the part where they have Dalek weaponry. Please.
Have fun playing good cop/bad cop - and Ianto, try to make sure someone gets beaten up? Or humiliated, at least?
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Yep, I noticed that bit, Tosh. I also spotted the bit about the Sycorax swords they’ve been using. I promise humiliation, Tosh. I’m going to stand and watch them all dismantle every last bit of weaponry. Once I’ve finished yelling, of course ;)
Sorry, Gwen, I can’t give you the morning off. UNIT are going to be annoyed and I want everybody in just in case they do something stupid. You can, however, leave early tomorrow if it’s quiet. No promises, though.
I’m in my office, Ianto. You want to talk now or in the car?
(A very annoyed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
What the hell has Jack done this time? I just walked past Ianto and the way he was glaring at Jack’s cup I half-expected him to throw it at the wall again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
...Again?
(A confused) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
....I know nothing.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe who is NOT hiding in his autopsy bay until Jack and Ianto leave.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Two words, Jack. Banana Boat. Also a phrase you should be familiar with: inappropriate use of Torchwood authority.
Your old mug was accidentally thrown into a wall while you were…away.
The car should be fine, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to be good cop this time, the mood I’m now in. You’re good at the good cop bit anyway.
Too good.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Fair enough then. Thanks Jack.
Owen, there’s something moving in your greenhouse. I’m scared to go up there after that pollen last time - and you’re dead, it can’t harm you, right?
Gwen
Slightly less panicked now, thanks.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Damn it! That bloody baby squirrel rat has managed to get out of its cell. It ran past me when I opened the door. I didn’t see where it went, but it looked like it was heading towards the work-stations. Can you find it on the CCTV for me, Tosh?
No sudden movements or loud noises until I find it. That means I want all phones on silent and anything making a noise that isn’t important turned off. Last time that thing got spooked it took a huge chunk out of my finger.
I’m going to go get some jelly babies and try and lay a trap for it; it seems to like those.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Right, I would like to make it perfectly clear to you all that I am NOT showing favouritism towards Gwen, by using Torchwood authority to get Banana Boat back into the country. If it was Ianto’s sister or brother-in-law, or Tosh’s family, or Owen’s...I don’t know, identical twin brother or whatever, I would do EXACTLY THE SAME.
Owen, I want that thing found and back in its cell by the time I get back.
Ianto, SUV. NOW!
(A still infuriated, but also now hurt and slightly disappointed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Oh for crying out loud, Jack, it’s not about favouritism, I’d be just as cross if you did this for Rhiannon. It’s about abusing Torchwood authority. Do you have any idea how many calls I get from Whitehall about that?
Yes, I’m coming.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Internal sensors say it’s somewhere in the archives, Owen. Try not to make a mess?
Tosh
Tech wizard, mildly amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Bloody typical, it WOULD go in the archives. I’ll go in after it, seeing as how I’m already dead it’s not as if Ianto can put me on decaff or kill me again. Keep me updated please, Tosh.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
If the squirrel’s in the archives then WHAT IS IN THE GREENHOUSE??!?!?
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I don’t know…hang on, let me check the sensors. It can’t be anything bad or the alarms would have gone off. Maybe that Venusian fly-trap has got loose again?
Tosh
Tech wizard, mildly amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It has as well. Dammit. I’ll get the fire extinguisher. Good thing Owen’s in the archives, he didn’t want us making any noise, did he?
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
So. Um. Ianto. When you get back. That mess? So not our fault.
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
GOT THE BASTARD! Found it hiding behind that weird box Jack found after we lost those two days.
....WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY GREENHOUSE?!!!!
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe, Squirrel Rat Catcher and On The War-Path.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Meeting with UNIT is over and I'm going back in a couple of days to check that they have dismantled everything. Ianto and I are now heading back to his flat to work off the lingering frustrated feelings we both have from dealing with these incompetent imbeciles all afternoon.
If the squirrel rat is back in its cell and you've fixed Owen's greenhouse you lot can go home too.
Ianto politely requests that a) somebody feeds Myfanwy and b) that you restore the Hub to the pristine condition that we left it in or he will not be held responsible for his actions. He also suggests that Owen “doesn’t bother coming back if there’s any damage to the archives as he’ll break every other finger in Owen’s body”.
His words, not mine.
Oh, and Tosh, will you quickly make sure that any Rift alerts tonight get diverted to my phone? I think I turned the divert on before I left, but will you check for me?
(A mildly happier) Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
So I think we’re all agreed - Ianto will never find out how bad this place was. Yes?
And I’ve brought his favourite pastries in this morning. Sorry Owen, but it’s really one of the best ways to placate him.
Oh Ianto, Tosh got you some of those chocolate covered coffee beans you pretend you don’t scoff.
Also - two and a half weeks to go and Rhys’s suit still isn’t finished. Ianto, you know about suits right? Did I mention the pastries?
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
…I would if I could, Gwen, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment between Torchwood and some family issues.
Unfortunately for all three of you, nobody deleted the CCTV of yesterday evening’s fiasco. But I will admit you’ve done a decent job of cleaning it up.
Owen, give me a shopping list for the greenhouse and I’ll swing by the garden centre later when I do a supply run.
Ianto
Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Ta, Ianto. Shopping list is on your desk. Most of the plants seemed to be relatively unscathed after their foam bath, a few even seem to be thriving. May have to experiment with that.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Unfortunately I’m going to be on the phone to the PM and then UNIT all afternoon - they’re still not happy about yesterday - so if you guys need me to look at anything can you let me know before lunch?
Ianto, what time you heading off tonight? I’m finished with that Dogon transmitter. Will you have time to store it before you go or do you just want me to put it in the secure archives over-night and sort it out tomorrow?
(Also, you are going to share those coffee-beans, right? Please?)
(A content) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Final orders for shopping - I’ll be going to the supermarket and the garden centre, leaving in ten minutes.
I thought I’d leave at seven, Jack, so I’ll archive that when I’m back from the shopping run. Are you coming over tonight?
And no. The coffee beans are mine.
Ianto
Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Flowers are sorted! Thanks Jack, she’s a lovely…lady. Now I’ve got to finalise the catering - I keep getting family members changing their minds about how many people are coming, it’s bloody rubbish.
Can I get some post-its Ianto? And some of those party ring biscuits?
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Can you grab me some more jelly babies, Ianto? I’m going to see if I can train that baby squirrel rat to use a computer. Nothing major, but seeing as how your guard pterodactyl is about as useful as decaffeinated coffee I figured I might be able to train it to set off some alarms if anything happens in the cells. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Ianto, I believe I still owe you a home-cooked meal. How about tonight after you’ve done your family stuff?
Don’t think I want anything from the super-market, but can I get a coffee before you go? Surely you’re not going to make me talk to the PM without decent coffee?
Glad your flowers are all sorted, Gwen. I told you she was good!
Tosh, can you monitor the UNIT databases for me? I want an update by the end of the day on what they say they’ve got rid of and what’s still on their systems.
(A still content) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Already doing it, Jack.
Ianto, can I have a coffee too before you go?
Tosh
Tech wizard, happily pissing off UNIT.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
If you’ve got time, Ianto, I’ll come with you - there’s been rift activity near the supermarket, we could take a look while we’re there. SUV’s prepped, right? Tosh says it’s something inanimate, CCTV shows some sort of box.
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Loathe though I am to say it, the box is more important than replenishing the coffee. Gwen, Ianto, you two go check it out; call Tosh or Owen if you need back-up. They can come and drag me (willingly) away from the PM if it’s urgent. Just be careful.
Thanks, Tosh. Have I mentioned that you are fabulous? :P
Captain Jack Harkness (who is readying himself for a war of words with incompetent politicians).
Part 07
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 44
News
It has been an eventful and difficult week. Owen was killed in the line of duty, saving the lives of his team-mates. He was then revived into a state of living death by Captain Harkness, possessed by Death, and finally fought Death and won.
Owen has returned to active duty but is no longer allowed on indiscriminate field missions, due to his unfortunate lack of healing ability. Also he will no longer be requiring food or drink.
In other news, Dr Martha Jones has expressed both regret and satisfaction over her time here in Cardiff, and promises to visit again soon.
The clean-up from the Pharm continues, and Gwen is assisting me in liaising with local authorities and companies to clear the site. As it’s been confiscated, I suggest selling it to the city council for development. It would fund the ample bonus I’m sure Jack agrees is coming to us all at the end of the year.
Also, three sheep and a cow have been reported mauled this week. I’m afraid in all the confusion Myfanwy slipped a little in her training.
Personnel issues
As noted above, Owen is deceased but still walking and talking. He is still on the payroll but due to his physical health may not be entitled to the full hazard pay that he has been receiving (Owen and Jack need to liaise on this as soon as possible, please).
Jack has asked me to express formally here his gratitude and pride for the entire team for performing ‘with more than usual excellence’ (direct quote) during this mission.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant, but growing rapidly).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
As Owen is now king of the weevils, apparently, he has volunteered to take over feeding our resident weevils. I’m not sure why, but anything that makes my job easier is fine by me.
Jack asks that whoever stole his red braces owns up. In return, I ask that whoever stole my second-favourite red tie owns up. I’ll also point out that red is NOT his colour.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Hold on a minute, Ianto. Are you seriously telling me that because I died I have to take a PAY CUT!
I am not, I repeat NOT, taking a pay-cut because that stupid bastard brought me back. I can’t eat, drink or shag and you expect me to take a pay cut for this privilege. I THINK NOT, IANTO.
Also, to which of you bastards that left that copy of Frankenstein on my desk, I hope you choke on your coffee and die a painful, horrible death. Then I will find another one of those bastard gloves and bring you back, just so I can see your face when I start cutting you open with a blunt scalpel.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Technically, Owen, you no longer qualify for Full Hazard Pay. HOWEVER, I’m sure we can arrange something so you’re on the same wage. When you’re finished hacking at that dead weevil, come up to my office and we’ll sort something out.
Martha rang before to say she arrived in London okay. She asked me to pass on her best wishes and next time any of us are in London she says we have to call in.
(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
Hint. Hint.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It’s up to Jack, Owen, not me. I don’t sign the payslips. Also, yelling at me won’t help anything.
Coffee will be at three, Jack, and not before, since you had some just half an hour ago. If you want any before that, go and buy some. Do NOT touch my coffee machine.
Ianto
Coffee god in mourning. No, really.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I vote we forget about Owen and focus on the important part of the newsletter.
What are Jack and Ianto using ties and braces for? I want details, please!!!
Also - wedding in three weeks, people! I am absolutely bloody terrified.
Gwen
Absolutely bloody terrified!!!!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It was Jack, Owen. I saw him doing it, but you got to your desk before I could get rid of it.
Gwen - I have CCTV. I’ll burn you a disc later. I’ve got a whole load of information from UNIT to go over first, Jack wants to know what they’ve left out of the files they sent over to us.
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Toshiko Sato, don’t you dare!
JACK HARKNESS!!! You told me you deleted it all!!!!
Ianto
VERY PISSED OFF coffee god. Still mourning.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I did delete it all! You watched me delete it!
....Uh oh. I, erm, may have a DVD in my laptop, which I gave to Tosh last week to test some upgrades on. I thought I’d taken it out. Sorry! I’ll make it up to you. Tosh, I am coming over now and you are going to delete ALL of the footage from your hard-disk, your laptop, your DVD’s and any other copies you have.
Owen, the book was a joke, and also petty revenge for all the times you’ve joked about using me as a test-subject for your new, potentially lethal, medications. Feel free to throw it into the incinerator.
Deep, calming breaths, Gwen. Your wedding will be fine, I promise. You’ll look gorgeous in your dress, Rhys will look fetching in his suit and Ianto and I will make good use of one of the guest-rooms...assuming he’s forgiven me by then.
(An incredibly apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness (who is not afraid to grovel).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I am so pleased to see that you’ve all got your priorities sorted. I’m dead, that bloody pterodactyl is going mental again and the baby squirrel-rat still thinks it’s Linford Christie. But, of course, none of these things are as important as Jack and Ianto’s sex-life.
I’m going to go burn that book and then I’m going to go dissect something. You know where to find me in the unlikely event you lot come to your senses and manage to get your priorities right.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Calm down, you two, I wasn’t really going to keep the footage.
Jack, there are some major discrepancies between the information UNIT sent over, and what I can actually find on their system. Give me another hour to finish collating it, and I’ll send you details. There’s a few things I think you’ll find very interesting - such as the fact that they seem to have got their hands on a gun like those we have in the armoury that you tell us not to touch.
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Thank you, Tosh. I think.
Jack, grovelling is definitely in order. In fact, Rift allowing, you can cook me dinner tonight. Cook, not order take-away.
I’ll go up to Myfanwy in a minute. I think she’s bored, I’ve not been letting her out in this rain, and I know she can smell a difference in Owen, which isn’t helping her.
That wasn’t a dig, Owen, it’s a fact.
Also, whoever has the company credit card MUST return it to me as soon as possible. If a statement comes through with anything out of the ordinary, I will be very angry.
Ianto
Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Tosh, let me know as soon as you’re done with that report. Make it your top-priority, assuming you’ve not already.
Any requests, Ianto, or shall I get creative? Do I have to hand-make dessert or would you like to go grab some of that chocolate cake you like from the bakers next to Starbucks? However, if these UNIT discrepancies are as bad as Tosh thinks they are I can’t guarantee what time I’ll be done. If they’ve got Judoon weapons that I don’t know about I won’t be happy. If they’ve got weapons in Cardiff then I’m going over there and I’m not leaving until I get some answers.
I promise, though, that the first chance I get I will cook you the best meal you’ve ever eaten, but I assume you’ll still take care of the coffee afterwards?
(A grovelling) Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
…you can buy cake, Jack, but if you’re going to the local UNIT base, can I come?
Gwen, please stop pacing, it’s very distracting.
Still waiting on the credit card, by the way. I’m getting rather annoyed. Unless it’s Owen - you said something about a new x-ray machine, didn’t you?
Ianto
Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I’m not pacing, I’m walking around and ranting on the phone. There’s a complete difference. It’s quiet, nobody cares if I need to call the florist and the caterer.
And oh my god I will kill Rhys’ best man. Banana Boat’s only gone and got himself stuck in bloody Majorca for flogging bootleg cds!!!
God this is going to be a disaster.
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
First things first, Gwen, BREATHE! It’ll be fine. Come see me during the next coffee break and, if necessary, I know a few people who owe me a favour. We’ll get him back here in plenty of time for your wedding.
I was going to ask you to come anyway, Ianto. Don’t you think I look more intimidating when I’ve got a very handsome PA with me? (Yes, I know you’re not my PA, and that you are, in fact, much more than a PA.)
(A still grovelling) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, must you grovel over email? It’s making me nauseous; if I could throw up properly I would.
Ianto, I’ve got the credit-card. I bought the new x-ray machine, which is due next week. I’ll be on hand to retcon the delivery bloke. I also bought the squirrel-rat a plastic-ball to run around his cell in.
I’m going back downstairs to autopsy another Weevil. Somebody come get me when it’s safe to read my emails again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
The UNIT report is on your desk, Jack. You were - are, from what I can see - busy with Ianto at the coffee machine.
Gwen, what’s the problem with the florist? I thought you picked out your arrangements two months ago?
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Oh, Jack, could you? The embassy seems to be doing bloody nothing.
The florist has called and told me they can’t do that arrangement, Tosh, since their supplier has gone bust. So I am screwed. Very, very screwed. I have to choose from the arrangements they assure me they can get and I have to make sure the flowers match the dress and change the roses and it’s all a nightmare!
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I’ve got the report, Tosh. Anybody who needs anything out of the archives please ask Ianto for them NOW as we’re off to pay UNIT a surprise visit. We’re leaving in the next 30 minutes.
Gwen, I’m on my way over to your desk now with some numbers. The first is for a really good florist in Swansea. I’ve already rang her telling her to expect your call. She’ll be able to sort out your flower crisis. Just don’t stare at her tail when you go over. The second is for a guy I know at the embassy. Just tell him my name and he should help. If not, just remind him that I’ve got a long memory and “what happens in Rio, doesn’t necessarily stay in Rio”.
Ianto and I will both have our mobiles, but try and only call us in an emergency.
(An almost-but-not-quite disbelieving) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack. A word. Now.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god, still mourning.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, I bloody love you! Can I have tomorrow morning off?
Gwen
Panicking now.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Jack, pay attention to the part where they have Dalek weaponry. Please.
Have fun playing good cop/bad cop - and Ianto, try to make sure someone gets beaten up? Or humiliated, at least?
Tosh
Sad tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Yep, I noticed that bit, Tosh. I also spotted the bit about the Sycorax swords they’ve been using. I promise humiliation, Tosh. I’m going to stand and watch them all dismantle every last bit of weaponry. Once I’ve finished yelling, of course ;)
Sorry, Gwen, I can’t give you the morning off. UNIT are going to be annoyed and I want everybody in just in case they do something stupid. You can, however, leave early tomorrow if it’s quiet. No promises, though.
I’m in my office, Ianto. You want to talk now or in the car?
(A very annoyed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
What the hell has Jack done this time? I just walked past Ianto and the way he was glaring at Jack’s cup I half-expected him to throw it at the wall again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
...Again?
(A confused) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
....I know nothing.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe who is NOT hiding in his autopsy bay until Jack and Ianto leave.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Two words, Jack. Banana Boat. Also a phrase you should be familiar with: inappropriate use of Torchwood authority.
Your old mug was accidentally thrown into a wall while you were…away.
The car should be fine, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to be good cop this time, the mood I’m now in. You’re good at the good cop bit anyway.
Too good.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Fair enough then. Thanks Jack.
Owen, there’s something moving in your greenhouse. I’m scared to go up there after that pollen last time - and you’re dead, it can’t harm you, right?
Gwen
Slightly less panicked now, thanks.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Damn it! That bloody baby squirrel rat has managed to get out of its cell. It ran past me when I opened the door. I didn’t see where it went, but it looked like it was heading towards the work-stations. Can you find it on the CCTV for me, Tosh?
No sudden movements or loud noises until I find it. That means I want all phones on silent and anything making a noise that isn’t important turned off. Last time that thing got spooked it took a huge chunk out of my finger.
I’m going to go get some jelly babies and try and lay a trap for it; it seems to like those.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Right, I would like to make it perfectly clear to you all that I am NOT showing favouritism towards Gwen, by using Torchwood authority to get Banana Boat back into the country. If it was Ianto’s sister or brother-in-law, or Tosh’s family, or Owen’s...I don’t know, identical twin brother or whatever, I would do EXACTLY THE SAME.
Owen, I want that thing found and back in its cell by the time I get back.
Ianto, SUV. NOW!
(A still infuriated, but also now hurt and slightly disappointed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Oh for crying out loud, Jack, it’s not about favouritism, I’d be just as cross if you did this for Rhiannon. It’s about abusing Torchwood authority. Do you have any idea how many calls I get from Whitehall about that?
Yes, I’m coming.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Internal sensors say it’s somewhere in the archives, Owen. Try not to make a mess?
Tosh
Tech wizard, mildly amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Bloody typical, it WOULD go in the archives. I’ll go in after it, seeing as how I’m already dead it’s not as if Ianto can put me on decaff or kill me again. Keep me updated please, Tosh.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
If the squirrel’s in the archives then WHAT IS IN THE GREENHOUSE??!?!?
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
I don’t know…hang on, let me check the sensors. It can’t be anything bad or the alarms would have gone off. Maybe that Venusian fly-trap has got loose again?
Tosh
Tech wizard, mildly amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
It has as well. Dammit. I’ll get the fire extinguisher. Good thing Owen’s in the archives, he didn’t want us making any noise, did he?
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
So. Um. Ianto. When you get back. That mess? So not our fault.
Gwen
Worried now.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
GOT THE BASTARD! Found it hiding behind that weird box Jack found after we lost those two days.
....WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY GREENHOUSE?!!!!
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe, Squirrel Rat Catcher and On The War-Path.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Meeting with UNIT is over and I'm going back in a couple of days to check that they have dismantled everything. Ianto and I are now heading back to his flat to work off the lingering frustrated feelings we both have from dealing with these incompetent imbeciles all afternoon.
If the squirrel rat is back in its cell and you've fixed Owen's greenhouse you lot can go home too.
Ianto politely requests that a) somebody feeds Myfanwy and b) that you restore the Hub to the pristine condition that we left it in or he will not be held responsible for his actions. He also suggests that Owen “doesn’t bother coming back if there’s any damage to the archives as he’ll break every other finger in Owen’s body”.
His words, not mine.
Oh, and Tosh, will you quickly make sure that any Rift alerts tonight get diverted to my phone? I think I turned the divert on before I left, but will you check for me?
(A mildly happier) Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
So I think we’re all agreed - Ianto will never find out how bad this place was. Yes?
And I’ve brought his favourite pastries in this morning. Sorry Owen, but it’s really one of the best ways to placate him.
Oh Ianto, Tosh got you some of those chocolate covered coffee beans you pretend you don’t scoff.
Also - two and a half weeks to go and Rhys’s suit still isn’t finished. Ianto, you know about suits right? Did I mention the pastries?
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
…I would if I could, Gwen, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment between Torchwood and some family issues.
Unfortunately for all three of you, nobody deleted the CCTV of yesterday evening’s fiasco. But I will admit you’ve done a decent job of cleaning it up.
Owen, give me a shopping list for the greenhouse and I’ll swing by the garden centre later when I do a supply run.
Ianto
Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Ta, Ianto. Shopping list is on your desk. Most of the plants seemed to be relatively unscathed after their foam bath, a few even seem to be thriving. May have to experiment with that.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Unfortunately I’m going to be on the phone to the PM and then UNIT all afternoon - they’re still not happy about yesterday - so if you guys need me to look at anything can you let me know before lunch?
Ianto, what time you heading off tonight? I’m finished with that Dogon transmitter. Will you have time to store it before you go or do you just want me to put it in the secure archives over-night and sort it out tomorrow?
(Also, you are going to share those coffee-beans, right? Please?)
(A content) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Final orders for shopping - I’ll be going to the supermarket and the garden centre, leaving in ten minutes.
I thought I’d leave at seven, Jack, so I’ll archive that when I’m back from the shopping run. Are you coming over tonight?
And no. The coffee beans are mine.
Ianto
Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Flowers are sorted! Thanks Jack, she’s a lovely…lady. Now I’ve got to finalise the catering - I keep getting family members changing their minds about how many people are coming, it’s bloody rubbish.
Can I get some post-its Ianto? And some of those party ring biscuits?
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Can you grab me some more jelly babies, Ianto? I’m going to see if I can train that baby squirrel rat to use a computer. Nothing major, but seeing as how your guard pterodactyl is about as useful as decaffeinated coffee I figured I might be able to train it to set off some alarms if anything happens in the cells. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Ianto, I believe I still owe you a home-cooked meal. How about tonight after you’ve done your family stuff?
Don’t think I want anything from the super-market, but can I get a coffee before you go? Surely you’re not going to make me talk to the PM without decent coffee?
Glad your flowers are all sorted, Gwen. I told you she was good!
Tosh, can you monitor the UNIT databases for me? I want an update by the end of the day on what they say they’ve got rid of and what’s still on their systems.
(A still content) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Already doing it, Jack.
Ianto, can I have a coffee too before you go?
Tosh
Tech wizard, happily pissing off UNIT.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
If you’ve got time, Ianto, I’ll come with you - there’s been rift activity near the supermarket, we could take a look while we’re there. SUV’s prepped, right? Tosh says it’s something inanimate, CCTV shows some sort of box.
Gwen
Back to panicking.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44
Loathe though I am to say it, the box is more important than replenishing the coffee. Gwen, Ianto, you two go check it out; call Tosh or Owen if you need back-up. They can come and drag me (willingly) away from the PM if it’s urgent. Just be careful.
Thanks, Tosh. Have I mentioned that you are fabulous? :P
Captain Jack Harkness (who is readying himself for a war of words with incompetent politicians).
Part 07