i have written about falling into some sort of love or lust, here, three times. and i am back here again, now, for number four ( Read more... )

i made it stop.

& i don't really know what else to say.

except that i am not sure if things will ever be easy again, the way they once were. but i feel more hopeful, now, than i have in nearly two years.

i feel sad, still, for what has happened. and that is my confession. they say that time is the only answer, but i don't believe that, anymore. time doesn't fall you out of love. i have begun to think that the pain doesn't really fade, you just get more and more used to living with it. that is how it is for me. that is how i get through the days. it ( Read more... )

sometimes it's like the world just has a way of getting us down, you know? the days, lately, are feeling fuller with the blood of my pumping heart. in some ways i feel more alive than i have in years, but still, i spend each moment waiting for some big break. that is where life gets us, once we have begun to learn its way. we spend moments living ( Read more... )

i've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a mother, to mother another person. most days, i don't think it has even really hit me yet. the months go by so quickly, suddenly i am eight months out and still just mostly winging it. i try to work on becoming a better person, on developing a person out of the shambles of my broken world. i ( Read more... )

my heart feels more free, these days.
it is hard to know what it is to be "over it" but i think i may be, at least a little bit more than i was.

suddenly, nothing about shawn seems all that glamorous, you know. and i start to think that maybe i can, and will, do better.

shawn has a new girlfriend. i saw her in his car when he came to pick up ada. the whole thing is still kind of surreal. i guess some days, this whole situation is still kind of surreal. some days, i still have a hard time believing that we are over. i guess 3.5 years is not all that long, in the grand scheme of things. but it sure feels like it, ( Read more... )

it has been somewhere close to 6 months, and i guess that i am okay, but i am still pretty lonely sometimes, and i still miss him pretty bad sometimes, and i am still so anrgy sometimes, and i am still so hurt sometimes, and i am still so sad sometimes.

but thank god for ada, you know? thank god for her, who holds my heart.

i feel like i have been standing on the edge of the cliff for the past 9 months, just trying not to fall off, and i have to say, it's getting fucking exhuasting.

for a smart person, i am so clueless about others' feelings that it is fucking unbelievable!!!!