December fifth, Day 5 of the ten day meme
I'm going to include links to previous answers :)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.
This day's is going to be kind of challenging as there are many things I wish I hadn't done, yet they all have had a huge impact on my life and how I have been defined as the person I am now. So I will list some of those things and maybe provide some insight into them as well
1. I regret trying to find friendship in those who bullied me. I was so starved for any attention then I figured if I could win them over, maybe the rest of my peers might come to accept me as well. I was very socially awkward growing up, my parents worked a lot, and I think I closeted so many things about myself that they didn't really know how badly I suffered. But I don't regret taking the higher road and treating them all respectfully. At the end of Jr High a teacher thought it would be nice to give everyone a list of names and have them write something nice or a great memory about everyone on that class list. I sucked it up and managed to find something honestly redeeming about everyone on that list and turned it in. The last day of class my teacher compiled all the answers and chose the 10 best nice things and turned them back to us, without mentioning the names of those who had written those words specifically. Before she handed them back she said something that forever changed my life and how I viewed myself. She said, "many of you had some really great things to say about each other so I put those down on these sheets, but to be honest Jessica wrote some of the nicest things to say about every one of you, so many of those came from her". After she passed back those letters, we were released from class and were able to get our yearbooks so we can sign them and say good luck in high school. I have never received so many apologies in a single day than that very day. They were sorry for not standing up for me, or getting to know me better, or for treating me like crap.
That teacher had looked out for me, she had been a huge part of that last year and saw that I was a very brilliant student despite my C average. She knew exactly why I was failing to succeed, I was getting so badly bullied that I didn't want to stand out, I wanted to hide who I was from everyone, I didn't want to give anyone something else to bully me about or point out how else I was different and didn't belong. I never did get to thank her, and it wasn't till much later that I realized it was her that got me into the honors program in high school. She did the only thing that managed to help me grow as a person, get me away from my bullies and allow me to make a fresh start and be around others that wanted to succeed.
So if I hadn't attempted to befriend my bullies, I doubt I would have become the person I am now, I doubt that my teachers wouldn't have become such advocates of my education and growth to adulthood. I think this week I will call my Jr High and see if they can track down that teacher so that I could send her a letter of thank you.
2. I wish I hadn't been so manic and insecure through High School. I really missed out on appreciating the friendships I made, opportunities to hang out and goof off, and maybe actually learn to trust myself in social situations when I'm making decisions on my own. I still have problems trusting myself alone in public (which I will address the root cause of shortly) despite being medicated. I still have problems developing meaningful relationships with people when I am not with Myles. This is something I still regret to this day and I am not sure if this will be something that I can change as I grow to adulthood. Perhaps being tied down with my parents prevents me from doing whatever I like whenever I like. I don't think they would prevent me, but I find myself drawn to be available to help them whenever they may need it... I'm not sure how I feel about this one, or how it has worked toward me becoming a better person, but it is worth me thinking about and being more honest and open about it.
3. I wish I hadn't allowed that man to touch me. I regret not listening to my gut and despite him being a family friend not to trust him like I had. Again, I felt starved for attention, he was one of the few people who acted to make me feel like I was something that deserved to live and be loved. He took advantage of it and since then I've been unable to have anyone touch my bare skin without alarms going off. I haven't trusted anyone enough to actually relax around them. And now a days, I am pretty good about suppressing my outward flinching, but the alarms still go off, I still get sick to my stomach sometimes, and most regrettably, it is very challenging to go anywhere without Myles by my side. It's great when he is around because I take comfort knowing that he is fully capable of protecting me and severely injuring anyone intent on harming or scaring me.
4. I regret not going to Patrick's funeral. He had been nice to me in Jr High, I even sat near him often. He committed suicide and I felt so badly as if there was something I could have done to see it coming and prevent it. I didn't go because I felt as if I wasn't close enough to him to go. I'm not sure why I didn't anymore, I just didn't and was sad for a very long time because of it. I still think back on it. I had attempted suicide as well, but didn't go through with it because I felt my only two friends wouldn't make it without me. I wondered what happened for him that he felt so helpless. Again I regret not making meaningful relationships and following through with them.
5. I regret giving up on cycling. I used to very good at it, but I couldn't overcome how closely associated it was to my molestation. I tried to continue it for years after, but couldn't get past the overwhelming awfulness... I regret not talking with a therapist sooner, before I completely gave it up and became a slug when it comes to staying in good health
6. I regret not going to Jingle's euthanization. He was my first true out of the cage pet. I had known him most of my life. I was nearing the end of my rotation for my graduate school and that combined with the fact I didn't feel I could watch him die, I just didn't go. I regret that today. I think it would have been better for me to mourn with my family than alone as I ended up doing. I know I have a new kitten, he is totally awesome and retarded at the same time. But my hurt for my old cat just won't go away.
That will conclude todays thoughts, I've shed enough tears during writing this, I think I'm just done for the day.