Roast Potatoes

[stranger_eons]

Everyone is beng very nice, coming out with all sorts of ideas and advice and things...but let me clarify the situation with an extract from something I wrote to a friend of mine when we were talking about this

Comments

[themikado]

I never asked many people out, and I got a reputation as a lech anyway. Which is annoying. My only advice then is to meet lots of people until you find a mutual attraction, I guess.

[lilac_ribbon]

Be friendly to lots of people my dear, if you decide you like someone, ask them for a coffee or see if they fancy grabbing lunch together whether or not you can ascertain if they like you too. Spending time together, even if not on a date means you get to know them better.

Doing stuff in pairs also is no certainty of a date or anything, but it's a way to get closer to people without too much awkwardness.

[stranger_eons]

You're really trying to be helpful, which is sweet and also why it pains me to say you're still missing the point slightly...

The default status for a man is to be invisible. The stage BEFORE the things you're talking about is to become visible. It's different for men that it is for women as women by default are visible. Does that make any sense? Perhaps I'll write post on this...

[lilac_ribbon]

Invisible? What?

Yes, please do explain.

[stranger_eons]

Imagine if you, or another woman, decided not make any more effort in the dating world. Well, you would still get looked at by men, you would still get asked out and opportunities, wanted or unwanted, would still present themselves. You are by default visible.

Men, on the other hand, need to make effort to make women 'see' them. A man who decides to make no effort any more will simply drop out of the part of society that is concerned with relationships and so on. This is simply because women do not notice men (in the sense of seeing them as a potential partner, they may still see them in the aspect of collegue or friend). I know what you're going to say, you're going to say women do notice men. BUT whereas that maybe true, because women entirely internalise this, then from a subjective view point it has never occured.

Er...that's the best I can do at explaining that.

[jamesmcgraw]

Interesting. My difficulty is usually that I'm either not interested in somebody, or I am interested and there's some kind of barrier (a boyfriend, the Atlantic Ocean, confirmed lack of interest on her part, her not liking Doctor Who et cetera). Steps I'm taking to overcome this difficulty tend to involve trying to do a wider range of things, so I can meet more people. Thus far, it hasn't really worked.

This is of no relevance to your situation, and I apologise.

[stranger_eons]

That's OK.

[anonymous]

I think relationships tend to be based on feeling rather than logic - or at least the initial spark of attraction you discuss.

Which is why I think your approach of trying to "work it out" may not be the most successful: if you're always controlling life, and not letting yourself get carried away by a moment, you may not be susceptible to what others describe as romance.

I wouldn't take this advice myself, and find it even a little repugnant, but if you want to get a girl perhaps let go a little, and try to take pleasure in some of the silly quirks of life.

Restrained, controlled, logic machines are not attractive for a 'fun' relationship as spontaneous fun contains a touch of the chaotic.

As for pragmatic relationships, I don't think many women under 30 tend to look for these, preferring to remain free.

So one part of what I'm saying: Make a woman's life more fun, more stimulating, make her spark whenever you're around, and then you can look to taking it on.

[stranger_eons]

That seems an awful lot of work to get someone to have coffee with you.