Family Matters: Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter XXIV
After his bout of post-adrenalin poops shakes was finished, Harry walked the grounds to more fully check out the ladies damage. He came across the area being used momentarily as the morgue for those who had fought on Harry's side - the Death Eaters were currently being left where they were. He was surprised to find that the death toll for his side was very low, consisting almost entirely of Aurors. You see, unlike JKR, Kinsfire doesn't have the stones to kill off characters he cares about. He was saddened, though, to recognise a student among the dead - Marietta Edgecombe, with Cho Chang kneeling beside her, crying. Oh no! Not Marietta! How will we ever survive? He dropped to his knees and put an arm on Cho's shoulder. She leaned into him and continued to cry.
Cut for Harry, Hermione and Cho weeping over Marietta. It is so tragic. Truly, this is superior to the ACTUAL Battle of Hogwarts.
Harry looked out over the grounds, again noting the damage. "I'm going to be famous from this stupid battle - even more so than before," he growled. "Well, I'm going to use it to get chicks, damn it. Whoever ends up with the Minister's job is going to give these people here the Order of Merlin, First Class, or I'll know the reason why. They died to defeat Voldemort. All I did was to fight a massively weakened opponent and finally kill him. I was fulfilling a destiny, while they could have avoided the battle without shame."
Cut for Hermione and Cho simultaneously kissing his ass. Is there a threesome in the works? That might liven things up.
Finally, they disengaged from the three-way embrace and began to walk toward Hogsmeade. Harry veered toward the Forbidden Forest as he saw centaurs exiting, dragging something behind them. When he was much closer, he discovered that it was a large number of dead Death Eaters. Bane stepped forward. "Hail, Harry Potter. We thought you might desire these back. We had intended to deliver them to you alive, but they simply stopped a short time ago. We believe that they died when the Dark One did. That makes no sense. Death Eaters are just people, it's not like Voldemort is their mothership. We also made no effort to stop those who chose to invade the area inhabited by Aragog and his mate and children. I would imagine that they are simply food by this point."
"Pity," Harry murmured. "I would have liked to have sex with them identified them."
Hermione thought about it for a moment. "That might not be a problem. They are spiders, after all. They'll have no use for the husks when they're done, so they'll probably leave them out for Hagrid if he asks, with the clothing still on them. We can collect them and identify them then."
Ron turned green. "I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Not even Death Eaters."
Harry shook his head and looked up at Bane. "Now I get to try to talk whomever takes charge of the Ministry into treating you to some ice cream! fairly with you and the other magical species."
"You will do what you planned, although the stars still hold a surprise for you in that regard," Bane said with the first smile that Harry could ever remember seeing the centaur bestow upon a human. Great. Even Bane got Stu-ed.
"Great," Harry laughed. "Even the stars have it in for me." He held out his hand to Bane in friendship and found Bane gripping his forearm in a sign of brotherhood. Barf.
"You and those you hold dear are welcome in these woods, Harry Potter. We ... I look forward to your next visit." Bow chikka bow wow! There was a quiet gasp from those who hand joined Harry's entourage - Bane's attitude toward humans was legendary amongst those who had gone to the school. Yup. No one can resist the great Harry Potter. I'm surprised that Voldemort didn't just start sucking him off instead of trying to kill him.
"I look forward to visiting, Bane. May the stars be clear and the hunt easy." This time the gasp came from the centaurs at a human knowing enough to offer them a centaur blessing. "Not to be rude, but I really need to see how the others are doing, Bane."
"See to your herd, Harry Potter, and we shall see to ours. Until next time." They turned and disappeared into the forest, leaving behind the dead.
---
He finally made it into Hogsmeade, where he could still see fireworks being set off by the twins. "Harry!" they bellowed when they caught sight of him. "Jolly good show!" Fred shouted. There was smoke still rising from various areas of town, the thickest being around the remains of the Three Broomsticks. Harry's progress was slow as he passed through the throng of people wanting to thank him. He finally arrived to see people working their way through the wreckage, cooling things as they went - water sprayed from various wands into the smouldering ruins. Bill, Molly and Arthur Weasley were helping with the building while Charlie comforted a crying Madam Rosmerta.
"I'd ask what happened," he said, "but that would be rather stupid. How many did we lose?"
"Surprisingly few," Remus said, walking up behind Harry. "They sent in a team of incompetents. In fact, other than Moody and Gina, the waitress at the Three Broomsticks, I can't say that I've heard of anyone from our side dying down here. They had five toasted in the Broomsticks, Bill broke one, the Aurors got three, and we still don't know how many the alligators got. Then the rest of them sort of fell over unconscious, and we figure those should be put on your tally. The only reasonably dangerous person they had here was Bellatrix LeStrange."
Harry whirled to face him. "She was here? What happened? Where is she?"
Charlie leaned over and said, "We were reminded why it's a bad idea to get Remus mad. Broke her neck with his bare hands." Really? REALLY?
Harry looked at his old teacher, and recognised the look. "Remus, I'm sorry you had to do that. She needed to die, but I'm sorry that anyone but me was forced to render the final blow." Right, because HARRY is the only one that Bellatrix ever harmed. Not Remus, or maybe NEVILLE, just Harry. He pulled the man into a heartfelt hug.
"I let the wolf out, Harry," Remus replied. "I never want to do that again." Is that what you're calling your penis these days?
"I understand. Maybe not completely, but I do understand. I just wish ... I wish I could ... I was able to kill Tom, but ..."
"I know, Harry, I know. Let's get to helping the others." They set to moving wreckage of the Three Broomsticks to see if anything could be salvaged. The first floor had come down into the ground floor, and virtually the only thing that wasn't ruined was Charlie's trunk, which, of course, was dragonhide and hence fireproof. Once the remains of the upper level were removed, the charred bodies of the Death Eaters were located where the storage room had been. There was no sign that they had ever moved or come back to consciousness, something for which the Weasleys were grateful. Foolish Weasleys, having compassion for people!
There was no trace of Moody or the waitress. There was, however, muffled singing coming up from under the floorboards. A single flick of Harry's wand peeled the rest of the remains of the Three Broomsticks away and revealed the entrance to the cellar beneath; a second flick ripped away the thick oak trapdoor and the layer of dampened sacks that had been tacked up across it on the inside. A wobbly soprano voice sang, "Somebody shouted MacIntyre!" and a strong bass joined her in repeating "MACINTYRE!"
"And we all got blue ballsed parasomething something," warbled the soprano.
"I don't think that's how it goes," came Moody's voice, interrupting the chorus. "Blue ballsed? Surely not." So not even Moody and the waitress died. Wow. I hate this fic so much, I really do.
Cut for Moody and the waitress being drunk and engaged, because everyone has to get paired off. Except Ron. He doesn't deserve anyone because he is the Freckled Satan.
"Did I say that you were paying for it?" Harry asked her with a smile. "I'll buy the lumber and such, and pay for the workmen to rebuild the inn. Then we'll have the Three Broomsticks back in business in no time." He met eyes with Hermione, and she nodded. "In time for the wedding, in fact."
"That's supposed to be today!" Molly exclaimed. "Oh dear, all our dress clothes ... oh dear ..." I'm sure Molly would be worrying about their dress clothes at a time like this.
Blah blah blah. More stupidity, and then this happens:
"We were thinking of asking Harry James Potter to run for Minister for Magic," she replied, grinning.
He blinked at her for a long moment, before bursting into raucous laughter. "Now that was a good one!" he finally gasped out. "For a moment, you had me believing that you wanted a student not yet out of Hogwarts to be Minister for Magic!"
He looked in their eyes after a moment, and then backed up. "Are you out of your fucking minds?!?" he shouted. "I'm sorry for the language, but ... I'm barely sixteen! Who in their right mind is going to vote for me?"
He was nearly deafened by the crowd shouting variations on "Me!" I would rather vote for Umbridge over this version of Harry.
Turning to face the crowd, he asked, "How many of you would end up voting for me only because I just killed Voldemort up the hill a ways?" Quite a few nodded. "Are you aware of just how corrupt a government you could get if you voted that way? You have no idea what I'm like! I may be waiting for a chance to fleece everyone and their kneazle. Vote for someone you think will do a good job, not someone who just rid you of a problem."
Hermione spoke up. "How about voting for someone who works hard to keep his promises? Someone who wants to improve relations with the non-human races in hopes of avoiding another Goblin war, or starting a Centaur war? Would you recommend voting for someone with principles such as those? A man who would work hard to make sure another Voldemort won't happen?"
"Do you want me to run, Hermione?" he asked quietly.
"Yes, I do, Harry. I want you to run right off a cliff. You could make a great difference in office."
He looked at her for a long moment. "I still think the idea of a sixteen year old Minister not even out of Hogwarts is ridiculous, but if you and the Weasleys think that I would do a good job as Minister, then I'll run." He chuckled for a moment. "I can see me now, explaining to the Bulgarian ambassador, 'Excuse me, sir, but I can't have that international policy meeting with you right now. I have finals that I have to take.'" He turned back to the crowd. "Because my wife and the Weasleys think it's a good idea, you have your candidate."
He was assaulted by Sue Assassins and died violently the sound of cheering.
---
He finally made it to the Hospital Wing to visit the wounded. As with the death toll, the number of seriously wounded was surprisingly low, and those had been moved to St. Mungo's. Everyone else seemed to be walking around the school sporting various bandages. He found Professor Dumbledore lying comfortably in one of the beds - the one that Madam Pomfrey had continually joked that she would install a plaque on to mark as his bed.
"Sir? How are you feeling?"
The headmaster looked up at him. "Well, other than a case of extreme exhaustion, I feel quite fine, especially knowing that the menace of Riddle is gone. Thank you, my boy." He smiled. "So how does it feel to be the most powerful wizard alive?"
"Isn't that your title, sir?" he asked.
Cut for some stupid explanation of how Harry's love-bond with Hermione makes him the most powerful wizard alive, because Kinsfire isn't done fapping over this fic.
---
Cut for more stupidity. Harry's mail is being checked so he doesn't get inundated with women sending him their underwear. And now, the worst part of any awful fanfic: The Wedding.
Albus met Harry in the front hall. Hermione and her parents were secreted in the anteroom the First Years used before sorting, Harry's groomsmen stood with him looking nervous Why are the groomsmen nervous?, and the bridesmaids were dashing back and forth between the two. Albus had a serene smile on his face. "I can't tell you how glad I am that this day has come, Harry. Not only do I get to see a young man I care for deeply achieve the happiness he deserves, but for once I know the public has done the correct thing as well. It is good to see that the world will be in such capable hands," he said simply.
"I still can't believe the vote went the way it did, sir. It was approved by the Wizengamot unanimously?"
Dumbledore chuckled quietly. "You were a popular candidate, Harry. I can't help but think that people will be surprised when they discover that you are not as easily controlled as they might have hoped for."
"I aim to please," Harry laughed quietly back at him. "I think the girls are about ready. Shall we start the show?"
Out on the lawn, the guests, including every student at Hogwarts, every Auror who wasn't absolutely needed elsewhere, and numerous foreign dignitaries who wanted to start off on the right foot with the young Minister, waited impatiently. An aisle extended from the doors of Hogwarts between rows of beribboned seats to a gazebo twined with climbing roses in full bloom. Soft music had been playing for the past hour. Suddenly the music changed to a stronger, more masculine theme, and as the guests turned in their seats, the great doors of the castle opened to reveal Albus Dumbledore, clad in deep purple robes that were even more revealing resplendent than usual. He had gone all out with ceremonial regalia, wearing a plum-coloured sash that marked him as the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, his Order of Merlin First Class on a red and gold ribbon, and a large gold phoenix pendant signifying the leadership of the Order of the Phoenix, and nothing else. He also carried the staff of the Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, which was shaped like a giant dildo, and Fawkes perched on his shoulder. In solitary naked majesty, he walked down the aisle to the gazebo, where he turned to face the castle.
The music changed again, to a theme of victory and triumph. In the open doorway, Harry appeared, flanked by Molly and Arthur Weasley, who had been overjoyed to be asked to stand in for Harry's parents. The Weasley's matching deep green dress robes were embroidered with gold in a design of flowering vines. After the battle, Harry had rethought his own wedding clothing choices, and combined both Muggle and Wizarding traditions, wearing a black tuxedo with a royal blue cummerbund, topped with a loose white open front robe embroidered with blue and gold phoenixes. The medallion of the Minister of Magic on its heavy gold chain completed the ensemble. Thoroughly embarrassed by all the attention, Harry was grateful for the presence of the Weasleys, which, he thought, was all that kept him from turning tail and fleeing in panic instead of walking calmly and sedately toward the gazebo.
Unlike a Muggle wedding, the parents of the bride and groom remained part of the wedding party, so Molly and Arthur waited with Harry as the music changed again.
Next up the long aisle were Ron and Ginny, her royal blue gown shimmering gently in the September sun. He saw quite a few of his fellow students look at her with new appreciation, and was more than a little amused to note how many of them were female. Ron was quite possibly the most serious that Harry had ever seen him - he obviously took his position as groomsman quite seriously.
Then came Remus and Helen, also magnificent in their outfits. Harry smiled at the glow on his mother-in-law's face, and chuckled as he realised that it wasn't simply due to her pregnancy or the wedding that was about to happen. What? Is she remembering the time you boned her?
Tonks and Neville followed, Neville looking fully the part of the groom himself - tall, proud, and self-assured, especially with the beautiful woman on his arm. Tonks' current form was astonishingly beautiful, with platinum blonde hair that fell to her mid-back. The manner in which the two carried themselves had Harry smiling - if he didn't know better, he'd think that this was their wedding. Tonks/Neville? OK, now I'm convinced that Kinsfire is just fucking with us.
As they took their respective places at the front, the world went away, as far as Harry was concerned. The music changed again, this time to something lush with strings and terribly romantic; Harry had heard it before but couldn't identify it. Framed in the castle doorway was Hermione in her gown, holding a bouquet of mixed magical and Muggle flowers, her father beside her in tux and robe, but she was all that he could see. The gown was ecru in colour, with gold and silver sparkles scattered across the tight bodice and full skirt. A roll of white silk bounced down the castle steps and unwound along the aisle to end right in front of the gazebo, and Harry stepped onto his end to await his bride as she approached on her father's arm. When she got closer, he finally saw what the silver and gold highlights were small stylised phoenixes that flew gently and joyously about the gown. Her veil was silvery, and Harry smiled as he felt her excitement. Concentrating, he could feel her heart pounding as hard as his was. My God, I love you, he sent gently through the link. He could feel her blush.
I'm cutting the actual wedding because I hate fanfic weddings, and because I'm really sick of the stupid telepathic talking, especially when it's about Harry's boner.
Also, we learn that Dumbledore has been wanting Harry and Hermione to get together since they started at Hogwarts.
Harry could see her close her eyes for a moment, and then she spoke as she opened them. "I, Hermione, take you, Harry, to be my husband. I promise above all else to live in truth with you, and to communicate fully and fearlessly. I give you my hand and my heart as a sanctuary of warmth and peace and pledge my love, devotion, faith and honour as I join my life to yours, until my own life is done." A burst of semen magic exploded outward, joining Harry's magic to Hermione's, and then pulsing powerfully into the crowd.
Even though the emotion was true and powerful, they were forced to hold back laughter when they heard Hagrid's trumpet blast as he blew his nose. "I always knew they'd marry," they heard his booming whisper.
Blah blah blah. Harry and Hermione give each other roses, and Dumbledore is apparently a marriage counselor.
"Before I present you to the world as such, I would like to give one final blessing to you. It comes from the American Indian tribe known as the Apache, and it is their wedding chant." Nice cultural appropriation, there, Kinsfire.
"Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other."
"Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth for the other."
"Now you are two persons, but there is only one life inside you."
"Go now to your dwelling to enter the days of your life together."
"And may your days be good, and long upon the earth."
After a momentary pause, he said, "You may kiss your bride, Harry."
Harry and Hermione are just so SPESHUL that Fawkes "blesses their union." I'm going to pretend that it means that he pooped on both of them. Then, they apparate to a romantic spot on a cliff where they have sex. I cut the sex scene because I care for you, dear reader.
---
They returned to the party after that, feeling quite happy, and no one who noticed that they had disappeared asked where they had been. They were led to the head table that had been set up, and almost immediately someone in the crowd began striking a utensil against their goblet, the sound chiming clearly through the gathering. Hermione's eyes sparkled and she leaned over to Harry. "They'll keep ringing until we kiss, Harry," she murmured.
His own eyes lit up and he captured her lips in a gentle kiss. As it broke, he grinned and his salad fork rose to begin softly striking the side of his own goblet. She smiled and kissed him back.
After several more kisses and some laughter through the crowd at their antics, the toast came. Ron stood and said, "Just ask any of the teachers here at Hogwarts and they'll agree that I'm not well known as a public speaker." This received some laughter, and he continued. "I went through so much trying to figure out exactly what to say about these two, and nothing was right. All I can say is that I am proud that they think enough of me to call me their friend ..."
"... funny, we were thinking something similar," Harry murmured, somehow loud enough for all to hear. Wow, Harry. You can't even stop being the center of attention for a minute, can you? "How were we lucky enough to have someone like you end up as our friend?"
"Thank you," Ron said. "What I really came down to with my remarks here, though, was realising that I could start to make plans for their one hundredth anniversary celebration. If there were ever two people literally made for each other, it's these two. To my friends - Mr. and Mrs. Potter. Long may they live and love!" This was met with a loud cheer, and an emptying of glasses.
The party truly got started then, and the next several hours were a blur. Harry could only remember a handful of things - seeing Albus and Minerva out on the dance floor as if they were meant to be together, except they weren't because Dumbledore likes men (plus, he's about eighty years older than she is); seeing Luna, Ron, and Parvati in the midst of an interesting three person waltz; seeing Susan Bones and Ginny dancing together and realising that they only had eyes for each other; and most of all, the speculative looks on the faces of the two who caught the bouquet and garter - Tonks and Remus.
Finally, Harry and Hermione dragged into their quarters sometime near midnight, Harry carefully carrying her across the threshold before setting her down. "I love you, Mrs. Potter," he said tiredly.
"And I love you, Mr. Potter," she murmured back at him. They carefully undressed and hung their wedding clothes. Neither could remember actually climbing into bed the next morning. One more chapter, one more chapter, one more chapter.
Chapter 23 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 25