(no subject)
Title: Disbelief and Desire (3/6)
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Smut, Romance
Summary: Kame still has not dealt with the fact that Jin left KAT-TUN. Now that the soloist is back in Japan, Kame has to confront his own thoughts, as well as the feelings he had kept hidden for years.
oOoOo
Kame woke up the same time as the previous day. Old habits die hard. Ever since he joined Johnny’s Entertainment, he had disciplined himself to, at the very least, manage his time properly. These days, though, while he rigidly kept to his routine, getting up was rather a drag with nothing much to look forward to except work, work, and more work.
Kame rolled over on his side but did not get up just yet. His head hurt like he had a hangover. He raised his hand to his cheek and felt the dried up blood. He felt beat up even if all he took was one blow. He remembered sending Akanishi down to the pavement and screaming at him for so many things that Kame did not dare discuss with others for fear that they might call him fragile. He was the KAT-TUN leader, for heaven’s sake.
He slowly sat up, his nape beginning to throb even more. As he did so, uninvited memories of the kiss crept up at him. He felt warm inside, recalling how passionate it was and just how hungry Akanishi seemed for him. Kame chuckled scathingly to himself. Hungry? Right. Akanishi’s offhand comment easily shattered that thought and there was absolutely no chance it was going to happen again.
The singer-actor got up and proceeded with his typical morning routine of bath and breakfast. As he ate, though, he turned the television on, something he did not usually do. He watched the morning news for any scoop on perhaps “Akanishi sporting a bruised face on his way to work at Johnny’s Entertainment this morning,” or “Who hit Akanishi?” but there were none. He sat back on his sofa, unconsciously relieved, as he was finishing his bowl of cereal when Akanishi’s unblemished face (probably a stock photo) was suddenly flashed on the screen.
“Controversial Idol Akanishi Jin to fly back to the US tomorrow morning!” the headline said.
[Don’t worry about me and go away]
Even as he dressed up for work, there was an ongoing debate in his mind whether he should call in sick for today. He just didn’t feel like going out. But then, they had a TV appearance tomorrow, and today was their last rehearsal. Being the conscientious leader that he was, Kame ended up leaving home later than usual but still very much early for practice.
The drive to the studio was uneventful. Same streets, same crowd… Same billboards with Akanishi’s sickening face on them. Kame wondered when they would be taken down.
Coming in to the studio, he set to work immediately and felt rather pleased that no one was there yet. He was almost done with his new song, and it would really be a bummer if people hovered over him, especially today that he was sporting some damage on his face.
He was thankful that there was no news about Akanishi’s face, since everyone, or at least overanalyzing fans, would inadvertently link their injuries together and, in such context, Kame thought there was very little room for error in guessing why two men, previously such good friends, happened to have bruises on their faces at the same time.
His job of lying about his hurt façade would be easier too, with Akanishi’s silence and absence from the scene. A few good excuses to his makeup artist would do it. Everyone believes what he says, anyway. Everyone believes in Kame.
[You thought I’d hang onto you]
“Controversial Idol Akanishi Jin to fly back to the US tomorrow morning!” Kame randomly remembered the headline as he wrote down a few lines.
The news anchor stated that Akanishi was flying back to the US tomorrow at 5 AM. It was his last night tonight, and his date of return to Japan was supposedly indefinite. Probably next year already for the victory concert everyone’s so wound up about. Next year felt like, well, next year, even if it was only a month or so away, and it was too long a wait.
Why would you want to see him again? He already said goodbye to you, baka.
The staff was beginning to come in to the studio and, as he smartly anticipated, everyone was asking what happened to his face.
“That came from a right hook,” Ueda said as he entered the studio and plopped on the seat beside Kame, looking like he just got out of bed, hair disheveled and eyes still puffy.
“No, it did not,” Kame replied, trying to sound casual, but everyone already heard. Damn this princess and his boxing expertise.
“Yes, it did. Whom did you have a fight with?”
Kame looked at Ueda and surveyed him for a bit. He looked indifferent, but there was a hint of concern in his voice. Kame smiled as the makeup artist approached him and began inspecting his face.
“With my dining table,” he replied, smirking. “I was fixing the light in the dining room at home, and the ladder was rather unstable, so I fell down and my face hit the corner of the table.”
“You should be more careful, Kamenashi-san,” said the makeup artist. “Your face makes you earn for the most part.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ueda scowled, sitting up in his chair.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Uepi,” Kame interrupted wisely. “Before anyone hears our music or watches our dramas, the first thing they see are our faces, and they decide on whether they like it or not.”
“Whatever. I still think you had a fight with someone.”
Ueda stomped out of the recording room, looking sleepier than when he came in.
oOo
[So long, goodbye, adios
I don’t want to see your ugly face again no more]
KAT-TUN had been singing and dancing for hours, only taking their hurried lunch break and then proceeding to dance again. Some time in the afternoon, the group was granted another break, and Kame, Koki, Nakamaru, Taguchi, and Ueda sat together in a corner of the studio, chatting as they rested and had snacks.
“Saw it in the news this morning,” Koki said through a mouthful of biscuit. “Akanishi is leaving tomorrow at dawn.”
“Ah, hai,” confirmed Taguchi but not saying anything more.
“Did you hear from him? Did he talk to anyone?” Nakamaru asked, looking around at the four other men.
Kame thought for a moment, and decided it best to say that he did not see or talk to Akanishi. Looking around, he found that the three others gave either headshakes or blank stares to indicate that, indeed, Akanishi did not contact anyone from the group at all.
As they resumed dance practice, Kame’s rage last night awfully felt like it wanted to resurface, but he kept his mind focused. He was, however, even more angry with Akanishi. Completely ignoring everyone, visiting Japan but not even bothering to call anyone from the group. Even their encounter last night was merely accidental to begin with. Had they not used the elevator at the same time, he would not have had a glimpse of his former best friend. Nine years down the drain, Kame thought.
[A guy that used to follow me around, a very decent guy]
Kame danced, and tried not to do anything else. He tried not to think, but that part was rather impossible, as he needed to remember the next steps. He did not want to think about Akanishi. He danced passionately, like he hoped, expected even, his mind to go blank with all the wild movement. Instead, it felt as if his thoughts made way for so many meaningful previous performances when the older man was still part of KAT-TUN, as well as the harsh and glaring memories of last night. He was surrounded by so many people, but he was haunted by Akanishi, and by the news he saw earlier. Kame felt betrayed that Akanishi did not waste so much as a “Hello,” on any one of the remaining members of what used to be a sextet.
Kame was angry, and he just let it show in his dance. He was angry with Akanishi for so many reasons, now piled up and tangled so that Kame couldn’t tell exactly why he was angry to begin with. He just was. And he was even angrier with himself for thinking about Akanishi at all. He doesn’t think about us, Kame thought.
oOo
They finished dance practice at 8 PM, same as the day before. The team was particular on huddling up before going home, though, since the performance was taking place the next day. Kame felt glad and contented upon observing people wishing each other good luck, some giving mere hugs while others delivered short speeches of faith in KAT-TUN. These days, he seemed to live just for this. The well wishes of people kept him strong. Against what, he never really bothered to tell himself. That sort of thing didn’t need to be reminded to oneself.
A lone tear drop rolled down Kame’s cheek, and the ones among the cluster who noticed fell silent. Soon, everyone was staring at him as he hastily wiped his cheek with his hand.
“Daijoubu, Kamenashi-san?”
“Doushite?”
“It’s nothing,” he lied, laughing. “I’m just… thankful, really thankful, that everyone is here to support us five. This already sounds like a cliché, but it’s always true that KAT-TUN wouldn’t be here without you guys. We’re a strong team, and we’re in this together. All of us.”
The four other members stared at Kame, touched but feeling slightly awkward with the sudden display of emotion. Koki then laughed and put an arm over the leader’s shoulders.
“As much as he’s being sentimental, he’s right,” Koki said. “Dakara… hontou ni arigatou gozaimasu!”
The five men bowed to the staff.
oOo
“Kame,” Koki said quietly.
He and Kame were seated on one of the benches in the dance studio, arranging their things and packing up. The rest of the group, as well as the staff, were walking out of the studio one by one.
“What was that about?”
“What?” Kame stalled.
“Seriously, are you alright?” Koki said with a straight face, turning to him from the other end of the bench.
“Yes, I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Kame replied, keeping his eyes on the shirt he was folding.
“We’ll understand if you’re having a hard time, okay?” Koki said vaguely that Kame wondered if he knew that it was the thought of Akanishi that was bothering the leader.
“I’m okay.”
Kame smiled but kept his eyes on his bag.
“Thanks for asking,” Kame said.
He was truly grateful that Koki was always concerned. He was one of the few people who had the influence to keep Kame sane through tough days. He wanted to thank him for being such a good friend, but decided that another sentimental comment would not do him any good tonight.
“But really, I’m fine.”
Koki’s eyes lingered on Kame’s wounded face, but he shrugged. There was no point arguing with someone about his own feelings, but he sincerely believed that Kame was emotionally not okay even if he did not show it at all, and Koki only feared that, one of these days, his friend might just break down.
[Not pitifully alone, but a glamorous solo
That’s my way]
“I’ll be going then,” Koki said, standing up. They were the only ones left in the studio now.
“Otsukare sama deshita,” Kame bowed to him.
“Go get some rest, Kame. You’re always the last one to leave!” The two men laughed before Koki left.
When the rapper was gone, though, the smile on Kame’s lips faded. He knew very well why he seemed so gloomy, and he knew that there were people like Koki who would readily listen without judgment, but he was not about to let Akanishi, or the ghost of him, invade his life. There was no need to talk about it to anyone. It was done and over.
Done and over? Kame chuckled to himself as he got up from the bench. The words in his head sounded like he had a relationship with Akanishi, when really, there was none. They were friends, they grew up, and as they did so, they grew apart. Kame told himself that that was the bitter truth he had to live with. Those were the facts, now part of the past, especially now that Akanishi was out of KAT-TUN.
[‘Cause love is over]
Kame turned off some of the lights, so that the studio had a dim, eerie glow to it, like a chapel in the night. He turned the music on to what he had finished of the song he was writing so far, and began to dance. The music was still a bit rough, with just the upbeat rhythm, some techno effects, and mostly electric guitars. There weren’t even lyrics recorded yet, as he was yet to finish them.
He was already worn-out from rehearsing all day, but as he moved gracefully in the dark, he felt himself slowly, serenely being freed from the almost lifelike mask of inhibitions the world demanded of him to wear everyday. Sweat mingled on his face with tears that began to come out once more. He did not bother wiping them. He let himself cry and lose himself in the dark and in the music as memories of Akanishi flooded him.
The dimly lit room was even hazier with his movements. Alone in the dark, Kame owned up the otherwise repressed reminiscences, and images flashed before his eyes as he continued to sway to the music. When he was alone, he could allow himself to miss how he and Akanishi used to sing together on stage and really interact.11 He could admit to himself that he wanted to be able to perhaps put his arm over Akanishi’s shoulder12 or hold his hand,13 even just in a friendly manner, like he used to.
Kame did not have the courage to tell anyone that, if given the chance, he would, without thinking twice, turn back time and forfeit the recognition and admiration that he had earned throughout the years, just to get back to the way he and Jin were before they made their debut. But here by himself, he could shout to the world, as the world was not listening anyway, how he wished to go back to their Johnny’s Jr. days, or maybe even just to the earlier days of Cartoon KAT-TUN, when Jin was happy to be back. When Jin was happy to be with him.
But do you want to friends with him again? Kame was becoming exasperated with himself and his thoughts, dancing even more vigorously, albeit weeping even more, in the shadows away from the slivers of light. Akanishi Jin was obviously, and simply, not the same man anymore, so that becoming close to him seemed more risky, dangerous, even. Besides, Kame was not sure he could just be friends with the guy. He knew his feelings would overwhelm him now that it had been put out in the open, at least to Akanishi, and being friends would either give Kame false hope or just make him miserable.
[I'll disappear, no strings attached]
Kame stood in the center of the dark room when the song ended, panting as he felt the warmth of his body dissipate. Sweat rolled down his neck to his unevenly rising and falling chest as he waited for his heart rate to return to normal. His hands, previously clenched into fists, were at his sides with palms open.
He had stopped crying. He thought he must look like a mess, what with tears and sweat and his hair in his face, but he felt better. There was still the sadness, the empty feeling he’d had for some months now, but letting it all go in the dark, even for just a short while, made him feel stronger. Actually, it made him feel again. Holding it in for so long turned him into a machine, preprogrammed for routine smiling and pleasing people, whereas no one ever knew what was going on inside.
He stood, feet apart, knees slightly shaking through the fabric of his athletic pants that faintly shimmered in the dim light. He stayed like that for a few minutes, his breathing slowly going back to normal, when he suddenly got the eerie feeling that someone was watching him, making his hair stand. He did not dare look, though.
Is cowardice contagious? Maybe I’m spending too much time with Nakamaru, Kame thought to himself fondly.
Just then, someone slowly applauded from the corner of the studio near the door.
oOoOo
Part 4
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