(no subject)
Title: Disbelief and Desire (4/6)
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Smut, Romance
Summary: Kame still has not dealt with the fact that Jin left KAT-TUN. Now that the soloist is back in Japan, Kame has to confront his own thoughts, as well as the feelings he had kept hidden for years.
oOoOo
[Just say what you gotta say]
Kame squinted in the dark and strained his eyes to see who it was, to no avail. He called out to the indistinct outline of the person to turn the lights on.
“No, I don’t want to.”
He instantly recognized the deep and bizarrely gentle voice as Akanishi’s. He spoke in an audible yet soft and careful manner, the tone of voice one would use if there was someone sleeping. However, the tranquility Kame had managed to bring into his mind after dancing basically snapped into two, his brain buzzing and racing again with resentment. To begin with, he was irritated that even with the simple matter of turning the lights on, Akanishi Jin was being deliberately unpleasant.
Kame decided not to let the thought out. He might get into a screaming fit again, and he told himself that, like most of the things he wanted to do out of ill will, Akanishi was not anymore worth getting emotional over.
[Pretending you’re cool to the end]
“What are you doing here?” Kame asked instead, his voice steady and composed.
“I’m still a talent of Johnny & Associates, so I guess there’s no need to explain why I’m in the company building,” came Akanishi’s reply.
His tone remained soothing, but Kame was becoming increasingly annoyed.
“I have as much right to be here as you do,” Akanishi added.
Kame, incensed, hastily walked to the bench where his things were. He stowed his towel, jacket, and water bottle into his sports bag and made to leave the room. He was not going to waste his time on Akanishi’s crap again.
“Well, I’ll be going now so that you have the studio all to yourself since you have the right,” he said, stressing the last phrase through gritted teeth.
As he passed Akanishi near the door, the older man grabbed his still sweaty arm and pulled him back.
“No, you’re staying here. We’re talking,” Akanishi said commandingly, his calm tone finally evaporating to be replaced by a voice that sounded almost like a growl.
Now that he was closer, Kame could see Akanishi better and thought that there was nothing different from how he looked the previous night at the coffee shop, aside from the bruise Kame had made on his sinfully pretty face. He was still expressionless. Only the chilly hand still firmly clutching Kame’s arm was a clue that the man was indeed animate. Kame jerked his arm away from Akanishi’s grip but stayed where he was standing.
[Move this hand, we’re strangers now]
“What else do you want from me?” Kame asked in an icy voice, throwing him a steely glare despite the dark.
He threw his bag on the floor, the unintentionally loud bang reverberating around the long room. Akanishi remained still and silent, staring at the spot of flooring between himself and the younger man. Kame stood, watching the immobile figure in front of him. Even in the dark, Akanishi was beautiful. Even when he just stood there looking stupid.
Enough, Kame told himself. Perhaps one of the reasons he seemed unable to move on was because he kept admiring Akanishi. He found it hard to attach a negative label to the picturesque façade. Kame knew, though, that on the inside, that angelic face was just as corrupted and self-absorbed as any mortal, perhaps even worse with the fame and affluence their profession entailed.
Kame’s train of thought, as well as a bit of his reason and proper judgment, was derailed when finally Akanishi raised his gaze to meet Kame’s.
“What do you want?” Kame repeated, struggling not to drown in those striking dark eyes.
He spoke evenly, but he felt like it was the calm before a gathering storm.
“What are you still doing here? Isn’t your flight back to America tomorrow morning?” he said, staring Akanishi in the eye. The soloist merely stared back, though Kame thought his expression had changed. Somehow, there was emotion, but Kame couldn’t care less what that emotion was.
“If you’re here to brag one last time about your awesome career - or - or maybe rub it in that I ridiculously have feelings for you, or tell me that I suck at - at singing and I can’t sing like you,” Kame stuttered, his voice growing loud and furious, echoing around the room. “Akanishi, if you’re waiting for another moment of weakness - ”
Kame gulped, as if memories of the previous night were painfully caught in his throat.
“If you’re thinking of something to insult me with,” he continued, his hands balled up into fists once more. “Now is your chance!”
The only sign that Akanishi was listening at all was the fact that he looked teary-eyed. Pity, perhaps? Was he sorry that Kame was being so pathetic in front of him? Kame mentally beat himself up. He looked at Akanishi meaningfully, waiting for a response, but the taller man only stared back at him, his lips almost curled into a frown. Kame walked right past and, to Akanishi’s surprise, punched the wall behind him in frustration.
“Well I don’t expect you to understand or care,” Kame said through gritted teeth, turning to his former bandmate. “But you said we’re talking, right? So I’m talking,” he ended abruptly, panting a bit.
“Kame…” Akanishi simply said after a short pause.
His voice was back to that misleadingly affectionate tone, and Kame was starting to find it nauseating. The older man moved closer as he spoke. Kame did not reply as Akanishi faced him squarely. They looked into each other’s eyes for a brief moment, and Kame barely had time to think as Akanishi pinned him to the wall. He held the younger idol’s wrists to his side and gave him rough, sloppy, openmouthed kisses.
[I can’t get used to it now, it makes me dizzy, why]
Kame struggled furiously, twisting his wrists against Akanishi’s grip and turning his head to the side. His attacker would not let go, though, and merely followed whichever way Kame faced to have their lips meet again.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Kame asked angrily as he frantically turned his head.
Akanishi, who totally ignored Kame’s question, proved to be stronger, managing to keep the smaller man in place. Akanishi moved to hold Kame’s wrists on his back with one hand and pulled at the smaller man’s shirt’s neckline. He proceeded to plant soft kisses on Kame’s neck and shoulders, causing the KAT-TUN leader to quiver as he felt smooth and gentle lips come into contact with his still perspiring skin.
Kame thrashed about to fight off Akanishi as well as further sexual thoughts, becoming aware that he was, in fact, getting aroused. He was mad at Akanishi, and getting caught with a boner through the loose pants he was wearing was definitely not a good way to show it. He was not going to allow the conceited bastard to toy with him again like he did last night.
Kame literally flailed underneath, desperate to free himself from the older man’s hold, but Akanishi was larger than him, and his energy was spent from singing and dancing all day. Kame closed his eyes, half out of prayer that Akanishi would stop and the other guilty half taking pleasure as he felt Akanishi’s hot breath hover momentarily over the spot where his neck and shoulder met.
“Akanishi,” Kame muttered.
He meant it to sound enraged, but it came out more like a groan as he felt Akanishi’s tongue on said spot, soon replaced by his whole mouth sucking at his skin in a delicate, and Kame would think almost loving, manner, had he not known better. Kame had to fight back a moan as Akanishi’s tongue went back to massaging his skin slowly, holding the younger’s wrists with his two hands again. Not long after, Akanishi’s movements slowed down, his face coming to rest on Kame’s shoulder. His grip on Kame’s wrists also loosened, but did not entirely let go.
Kame opened his eyes, and felt wet even where Akanishi had not kissed him. Calming down and observing more, Kame realized that the man was crying, and his tears were harmlessly running down Kame’s shoulder.
[It makes me look so pitiful]
“Why are you crying?” Kame asked quietly, trying his best to rid his voice of emotion.
Akanishi, yet again, did not answer. Kame tried to free one wrist from his hand, but, feeling Kame’s attempt, Akanishi tightened his grip again, head bowed all the while.
“I promise I won’t escape,” Kame said, nearly reassuring this time.
He was unsure of why Akanishi was suddenly so needy, but he was surreptitiously certain of why he wanted to console him. Slowly, Akanishi let go of Kame’s left hand. Kame raised that hand and patted Akanishi on the head. His hand eventually rested there as he stared into the darkness of the studio. Kame missed this side of Jin.
Ever since they became friends, Kame gradually got to see more of Jin’s childlike side, the candid, uncomplicated, and sometimes naïve and fragile part of him, and always wanted to protect and take care of that being. Kame never really questioned himself about his sexuality. He admired some girls (but never actually went to pursue anyone), and was never attracted to anyone of the same sex except for Jin.
Wanting to protect the person and being attracted to him alone were the two things that made Kame realize that the feelings he had for Jin were more than love for a best friend, or even a brother.
[I let everything go for you alone]
“Why are you crying, Jin…” Kame asked again, finally letting his voice express concern and comfort for the man who, despite being fixed in his place, continued to cry without a sound.
Jin let go of Kame’s other hand and ran his own hand over Kame’s arm, sending a slight chill. His caress ended at Kame’s back and pulled him in for a tight hug. Kame felt even more how Jin had been crying rather badly, his chest heaving and his breathing shallow. Too much for someone who was insulting, obnoxious, and abusive on their previous meeting. Too much for an ambitious player, Kame bitterly reminded himself.
He brought one of his hands, previously hanging on his sides, up to pat Jin’s back to comfort him, as well as to hint that he wanted the hug to end already. It was getting tiring and painful on his neck and shoulders. Jin loosened the embrace a bit, but still did not let go.
“Kame, I love you.”
[Tonight of all times, why is it raining again]
Jin merely whispered the words, but it was enough to make Kame’s head spin and almost make his heart stop. Nevertheless, he instantly reminded himself not to be fooled by Akanishi again. His jaw clenched in discontent, he chose to keep his mouth shut.
“I know it sounds stupid and far-fetched, and you’re angry with me for what happened yesterday. You’re probably angry with me for pretty much everything else,” Akanishi spoke hurriedly with a shaky voice, as if determined not to let Kame interrupt or object to what he had just said. “But I love you.”
Kame’s heart pounded. He did not know what he was feeling. Happiness, perhaps, that Akanishi Jin had said “I love you,” two times now? No, Kamenashi, you’re not that shallow. Did his heart beat furiously, possibly, out of affront and apprehension? There is no way Akanishi will ever fall in love with you. Following that logic, Kame concluded that the ex-member was most likely up to something, and this was his foul way of getting it done.
“It’s probably not going to make a difference now, but I want you to know that.”
At those words, Kame’s halfhearted conclusion feebly wavered. He stared in the dark, feeling once more the threatening sensation of an outpour of tears, but he fought them back and did not respond. He genuinely did not know what to say, and the hurt part of him time and again doubted if he should believe what Akanishi was saying at all. Kame tried to deny the hope rapidly welling up inside him.
It was as if Jin had read his mind, because he said, “You might not even believe me. I can’t blame you for that. I was an asshole last night - ”
For the last couple of years, actually, Kame thought, barely managing to stop himself as he almost laughed in bitter humor.
“ - but even if you doubt everything and anything I say in front of you now, at least believe this one thing. I love you, Kame.”
Akanishi spoke with an imploring tone, like he was desperate to make Kame believe what he was saying. Like it was vital to his existence that Kame accepted that solitary idea as the truth.
“I fucking love you, Kazuya,” he repeated, calling Kame by his first name this time, his voice rough and guttural with frustration. His hug on Kame tightened again, as if expecting the younger man to break away because of what he said.
oOoOo
Part 5
Previous Part (Part 3)
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Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Smut, Romance
Summary: Kame still has not dealt with the fact that Jin left KAT-TUN. Now that the soloist is back in Japan, Kame has to confront his own thoughts, as well as the feelings he had kept hidden for years.
oOoOo
[Just say what you gotta say]
Kame squinted in the dark and strained his eyes to see who it was, to no avail. He called out to the indistinct outline of the person to turn the lights on.
“No, I don’t want to.”
He instantly recognized the deep and bizarrely gentle voice as Akanishi’s. He spoke in an audible yet soft and careful manner, the tone of voice one would use if there was someone sleeping. However, the tranquility Kame had managed to bring into his mind after dancing basically snapped into two, his brain buzzing and racing again with resentment. To begin with, he was irritated that even with the simple matter of turning the lights on, Akanishi Jin was being deliberately unpleasant.
Kame decided not to let the thought out. He might get into a screaming fit again, and he told himself that, like most of the things he wanted to do out of ill will, Akanishi was not anymore worth getting emotional over.
[Pretending you’re cool to the end]
“What are you doing here?” Kame asked instead, his voice steady and composed.
“I’m still a talent of Johnny & Associates, so I guess there’s no need to explain why I’m in the company building,” came Akanishi’s reply.
His tone remained soothing, but Kame was becoming increasingly annoyed.
“I have as much right to be here as you do,” Akanishi added.
Kame, incensed, hastily walked to the bench where his things were. He stowed his towel, jacket, and water bottle into his sports bag and made to leave the room. He was not going to waste his time on Akanishi’s crap again.
“Well, I’ll be going now so that you have the studio all to yourself since you have the right,” he said, stressing the last phrase through gritted teeth.
As he passed Akanishi near the door, the older man grabbed his still sweaty arm and pulled him back.
“No, you’re staying here. We’re talking,” Akanishi said commandingly, his calm tone finally evaporating to be replaced by a voice that sounded almost like a growl.
Now that he was closer, Kame could see Akanishi better and thought that there was nothing different from how he looked the previous night at the coffee shop, aside from the bruise Kame had made on his sinfully pretty face. He was still expressionless. Only the chilly hand still firmly clutching Kame’s arm was a clue that the man was indeed animate. Kame jerked his arm away from Akanishi’s grip but stayed where he was standing.
[Move this hand, we’re strangers now]
“What else do you want from me?” Kame asked in an icy voice, throwing him a steely glare despite the dark.
He threw his bag on the floor, the unintentionally loud bang reverberating around the long room. Akanishi remained still and silent, staring at the spot of flooring between himself and the younger man. Kame stood, watching the immobile figure in front of him. Even in the dark, Akanishi was beautiful. Even when he just stood there looking stupid.
Enough, Kame told himself. Perhaps one of the reasons he seemed unable to move on was because he kept admiring Akanishi. He found it hard to attach a negative label to the picturesque façade. Kame knew, though, that on the inside, that angelic face was just as corrupted and self-absorbed as any mortal, perhaps even worse with the fame and affluence their profession entailed.
Kame’s train of thought, as well as a bit of his reason and proper judgment, was derailed when finally Akanishi raised his gaze to meet Kame’s.
“What do you want?” Kame repeated, struggling not to drown in those striking dark eyes.
He spoke evenly, but he felt like it was the calm before a gathering storm.
“What are you still doing here? Isn’t your flight back to America tomorrow morning?” he said, staring Akanishi in the eye. The soloist merely stared back, though Kame thought his expression had changed. Somehow, there was emotion, but Kame couldn’t care less what that emotion was.
“If you’re here to brag one last time about your awesome career - or - or maybe rub it in that I ridiculously have feelings for you, or tell me that I suck at - at singing and I can’t sing like you,” Kame stuttered, his voice growing loud and furious, echoing around the room. “Akanishi, if you’re waiting for another moment of weakness - ”
Kame gulped, as if memories of the previous night were painfully caught in his throat.
“If you’re thinking of something to insult me with,” he continued, his hands balled up into fists once more. “Now is your chance!”
The only sign that Akanishi was listening at all was the fact that he looked teary-eyed. Pity, perhaps? Was he sorry that Kame was being so pathetic in front of him? Kame mentally beat himself up. He looked at Akanishi meaningfully, waiting for a response, but the taller man only stared back at him, his lips almost curled into a frown. Kame walked right past and, to Akanishi’s surprise, punched the wall behind him in frustration.
“Well I don’t expect you to understand or care,” Kame said through gritted teeth, turning to his former bandmate. “But you said we’re talking, right? So I’m talking,” he ended abruptly, panting a bit.
“Kame…” Akanishi simply said after a short pause.
His voice was back to that misleadingly affectionate tone, and Kame was starting to find it nauseating. The older man moved closer as he spoke. Kame did not reply as Akanishi faced him squarely. They looked into each other’s eyes for a brief moment, and Kame barely had time to think as Akanishi pinned him to the wall. He held the younger idol’s wrists to his side and gave him rough, sloppy, openmouthed kisses.
[I can’t get used to it now, it makes me dizzy, why]
Kame struggled furiously, twisting his wrists against Akanishi’s grip and turning his head to the side. His attacker would not let go, though, and merely followed whichever way Kame faced to have their lips meet again.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Kame asked angrily as he frantically turned his head.
Akanishi, who totally ignored Kame’s question, proved to be stronger, managing to keep the smaller man in place. Akanishi moved to hold Kame’s wrists on his back with one hand and pulled at the smaller man’s shirt’s neckline. He proceeded to plant soft kisses on Kame’s neck and shoulders, causing the KAT-TUN leader to quiver as he felt smooth and gentle lips come into contact with his still perspiring skin.
Kame thrashed about to fight off Akanishi as well as further sexual thoughts, becoming aware that he was, in fact, getting aroused. He was mad at Akanishi, and getting caught with a boner through the loose pants he was wearing was definitely not a good way to show it. He was not going to allow the conceited bastard to toy with him again like he did last night.
Kame literally flailed underneath, desperate to free himself from the older man’s hold, but Akanishi was larger than him, and his energy was spent from singing and dancing all day. Kame closed his eyes, half out of prayer that Akanishi would stop and the other guilty half taking pleasure as he felt Akanishi’s hot breath hover momentarily over the spot where his neck and shoulder met.
“Akanishi,” Kame muttered.
He meant it to sound enraged, but it came out more like a groan as he felt Akanishi’s tongue on said spot, soon replaced by his whole mouth sucking at his skin in a delicate, and Kame would think almost loving, manner, had he not known better. Kame had to fight back a moan as Akanishi’s tongue went back to massaging his skin slowly, holding the younger’s wrists with his two hands again. Not long after, Akanishi’s movements slowed down, his face coming to rest on Kame’s shoulder. His grip on Kame’s wrists also loosened, but did not entirely let go.
Kame opened his eyes, and felt wet even where Akanishi had not kissed him. Calming down and observing more, Kame realized that the man was crying, and his tears were harmlessly running down Kame’s shoulder.
[It makes me look so pitiful]
“Why are you crying?” Kame asked quietly, trying his best to rid his voice of emotion.
Akanishi, yet again, did not answer. Kame tried to free one wrist from his hand, but, feeling Kame’s attempt, Akanishi tightened his grip again, head bowed all the while.
“I promise I won’t escape,” Kame said, nearly reassuring this time.
He was unsure of why Akanishi was suddenly so needy, but he was surreptitiously certain of why he wanted to console him. Slowly, Akanishi let go of Kame’s left hand. Kame raised that hand and patted Akanishi on the head. His hand eventually rested there as he stared into the darkness of the studio. Kame missed this side of Jin.
Ever since they became friends, Kame gradually got to see more of Jin’s childlike side, the candid, uncomplicated, and sometimes naïve and fragile part of him, and always wanted to protect and take care of that being. Kame never really questioned himself about his sexuality. He admired some girls (but never actually went to pursue anyone), and was never attracted to anyone of the same sex except for Jin.
Wanting to protect the person and being attracted to him alone were the two things that made Kame realize that the feelings he had for Jin were more than love for a best friend, or even a brother.
[I let everything go for you alone]
“Why are you crying, Jin…” Kame asked again, finally letting his voice express concern and comfort for the man who, despite being fixed in his place, continued to cry without a sound.
Jin let go of Kame’s other hand and ran his own hand over Kame’s arm, sending a slight chill. His caress ended at Kame’s back and pulled him in for a tight hug. Kame felt even more how Jin had been crying rather badly, his chest heaving and his breathing shallow. Too much for someone who was insulting, obnoxious, and abusive on their previous meeting. Too much for an ambitious player, Kame bitterly reminded himself.
He brought one of his hands, previously hanging on his sides, up to pat Jin’s back to comfort him, as well as to hint that he wanted the hug to end already. It was getting tiring and painful on his neck and shoulders. Jin loosened the embrace a bit, but still did not let go.
“Kame, I love you.”
[Tonight of all times, why is it raining again]
Jin merely whispered the words, but it was enough to make Kame’s head spin and almost make his heart stop. Nevertheless, he instantly reminded himself not to be fooled by Akanishi again. His jaw clenched in discontent, he chose to keep his mouth shut.
“I know it sounds stupid and far-fetched, and you’re angry with me for what happened yesterday. You’re probably angry with me for pretty much everything else,” Akanishi spoke hurriedly with a shaky voice, as if determined not to let Kame interrupt or object to what he had just said. “But I love you.”
Kame’s heart pounded. He did not know what he was feeling. Happiness, perhaps, that Akanishi Jin had said “I love you,” two times now? No, Kamenashi, you’re not that shallow. Did his heart beat furiously, possibly, out of affront and apprehension? There is no way Akanishi will ever fall in love with you. Following that logic, Kame concluded that the ex-member was most likely up to something, and this was his foul way of getting it done.
“It’s probably not going to make a difference now, but I want you to know that.”
At those words, Kame’s halfhearted conclusion feebly wavered. He stared in the dark, feeling once more the threatening sensation of an outpour of tears, but he fought them back and did not respond. He genuinely did not know what to say, and the hurt part of him time and again doubted if he should believe what Akanishi was saying at all. Kame tried to deny the hope rapidly welling up inside him.
It was as if Jin had read his mind, because he said, “You might not even believe me. I can’t blame you for that. I was an asshole last night - ”
For the last couple of years, actually, Kame thought, barely managing to stop himself as he almost laughed in bitter humor.
“ - but even if you doubt everything and anything I say in front of you now, at least believe this one thing. I love you, Kame.”
Akanishi spoke with an imploring tone, like he was desperate to make Kame believe what he was saying. Like it was vital to his existence that Kame accepted that solitary idea as the truth.
“I fucking love you, Kazuya,” he repeated, calling Kame by his first name this time, his voice rough and guttural with frustration. His hug on Kame tightened again, as if expecting the younger man to break away because of what he said.
oOoOo
Part 5
Previous Part (Part 3)
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