Smobat 12 - Fashion Statement
TWO-FACE DUN DUN DUN. -plays ominous music-
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12. FASHION STATEMENT
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[SMOKER’S OFFICE. SMOKER reading at desk. TASHIGI stumbles in.]
TASHIGI: (Panicky) Sir!
SMOKER: Hn?
TASHIGI: Uh… I did something bad.
SMOKER: (Apprehensive) … as in “slightly undesirable”, “preferably non-existent”, “not good”, “very not good”, “oh please no”, “oh please please no”, “oh please please @#$% no”, or “OH SHI --!” kind of bad?
TASHIGI: The last one, sir! [Wibble]
SMOKER: (Aghast) You finally killed someone?!
TASHIGI: No sir, not yet sir! [Pause] I mean never! Never!
SMOKER: Okay, okay! So what did you do?
TASHIGI: … I left your Batman mask at the dry cleaners. [Cringe]
SMOKER: (Enlightened) … oh, so that’s how you clean it.
TASHIGI: (Timid) You’re not angry, sir?
SMOKER: (Loudly) OF COURSE I’M ANGRY!
TASHIGI: Eep! [Cower]
SMOKER: [Facepalm] Just… just find me a substitute in two hours. I need to go out tonight.
TASHIGI: Yes, sir! [Typical Tashigi-esque exit.]
SMOKER: Huh. Wonder where it is now…
--
[Outside WHITEBEARD’S. ACE taking a break from work (and MARCO). Cellphone rings. ACE answers it suspiciously.]
ACE: Hello…?
LUFFY: (From phone) Hi Ace!
ACE: (Relieved) Oh, hey Lu! What’s up?
LUFFY: What’s a gold digger?
ACE: Eh?!
LUFFY: No wait, I got it! It means someone who picks his nose a lot, right?
ACE: [Facepalm] … no.
--
[In GALLEY-LA PARK. TASHIGI frantically searching for something that can replace the lost BATMAN mask.]
TASHIGI: Um… dandelions? No, they’re rather flashy… (Frustrated) Where can I find a mask?!
SOGEKING: [Randomly appears] You can find one… in your heart.
TASHIGI: Why are you always here?!
--
[At the SKYPEIA CLEANERS. MOP doing his part-time job.]
MOP: (Puzzled) Uh… wha…? [Picks up BATMAN’s mask. Er… [Looks around for possible owner] Guess I’ll keep it for now.
--
[In the BATCAVE. SMOKER in almost-full BATMAN attire, waiting impatiently for TASHIGI to give him a mask. TASHIGI falls through ceiling and lands on Batmobile. Car alarm sounds.]
SMOKER: Er…
TASHIGI: I’m okay, sir! [Untangles herself from air bags]
SMOKER: Right. So… did you find anything?
TASHIGI: [Sigh] The best thing I could find at such short notice was this. [Holds out an alien mask]
SMOKER: … an alien mask.
TASHIGI: Yes, sir.
SMOKER: … an alien mask?!
TASHIGI: Yes, sir! There wasn’t anything else… [Pause] No wait, there was a clown mask, but that’s worse.
SMOKER: True. [Reluctantly wears alien mask]
TASHIGI: (Cheerful) Well, no one will know it’s really you under that hideously embarrassing disguise!
SMOKER: (Sarcastic) Thanks a lot.
TASHIGI: You’re welcome!
--
[At the LOGUETOWN POST OFFICE. Foggy. Nighttime. UNKNOWN FIGURE (???) lurking suspiciously near a mailbox.]
???: One last letter until my mission is complete!
BATMAN: [Appears] Desist your unlawful activities, Two-Face!
TWO-FACE: (Amused) Man, that was lamer than last time - AAAARGH!
BATMAN: [Jumps in surprise]
TWO-FACE: (Fearful) It’s an alien! [Pause] Do you come in peace?
BATMAN: I just said “desist your unlawful activities”. Do you think I come in peace?
TWO-FACE: (Hopeful) Yes?
BATMAN: Uh, no.
TWO-FACE: Aaaaaaaaargh! [Panics]
BATMAN: Oh, for Pete’s sake… [Facepalm]
TWO-FACE: (Apprehensive) You don’t do that, er, probe thing, right…?
BATMAN: [Groan]
TWO-FACE: What’s that supposed to mean?
BATMAN: No, no, I don’t do the probe thing. [Sigh]
TWO-FACE: Then you must be a nice alien!
BATMAN: I’m not a @#$%ing alien!
TWO-FACE: You aren’t?
BATMAN: No! I’m Batman, you moron!
TWO-FACE: [Scoff] Yeah right. You’re just an alien in a Batman costume!
BATMAN: Has it ever occurred to your pea-brain that I might be Batman in an alien costume?!
TWO-FACE: No, because that’s stupid!
BATMAN: [Massages forehead] (Monotone) Oh no, you’ve found me out. I am totally an alien in a Batman costume.
TWO-FACE: (Triumphant) Haha! (Curious) So, Mr. Alien, why are you here?
BATMAN: Uh, Batman sent me. In the name of Justice.
TWO-FACE: Ohh… where did he go?
BATMAN: Er, he’s on vacation in, uh, Poland… Land.
TWO-FACE: Wow, I’ve never been to Poland Land!
BATMAN: Yeah, many people haven’t. Many, many people. As in nobody. (Mutter) Since Poland Land doesn’t exist…
TWO-FACE: So you’re here in the name of Justice?
BATMAN: Right.
TWO-FACE: Are you going to abduct me?
BATMAN: Uh… no.
TWO-FACE: Yey!
BATMAN: I’m going to arrest you.
TWO-FACE: Darn it!
BATMAN: I can’t just let you keep sending asinine letters to people! It’s irritating!
TWO-FACE: But they’re important!
BATMAN: That doesn’t change the fact that they’re irritating! Insult people the conventional way - go post angry comments on their Tracebook walls or something! No one mails anymore!
TWO-FACE: I do!
BATMAN: Besides you!
TWO-FACE: Oh. True. [Gasp] But I have to send this one!
BATMAN: No!
TWO-FACE: Yes!
BATMAN: No!
TWO-FACE: Yes!
BATMAN: Yes!
TWO-FACE: No! [Pause] Wait, I mean -
BATMAN: [Takes letter from TWO-FACE while he’s distracted] Hehe.
TWO-FACE: (Panicky) Ack! Give that back!
BATMAN: (Threatening) Shut up or I’ll probe you!
TWO-FACE: I’ll be good! [Shuts up]
BATMAN: [Sigh] (Reads aloud) “Marshall D. Teach is guilty.” [Pause] That’s it?
TWO-FACE: Yes, and it’s very important! [Tries to retrieve letter]
BATMAN: Probe!
TWO-FACE: [Desists]
BATMAN: [Sigh] Stop accusing people of doing random junk. [Pause. Stares at smiley faces on purloined letter.] Hmm… [Longer pause]
TWO-FACE: Yo, what’re you staring at?
BATMAN: Shut up!
TWO-FACE: Paper!
BATMAN: Probe!
TWO-FACE: (Braver) Paper beats rock!
BATMAN: … what the @#$%? (Annoyed) Probe beats butt! Now shut up. Honestly, you’re acting just like Po - [Pause] ARGH!
TWO-FACE: Waa! Don’t probe me!
BATMAN: Portgas D. @#$%ing Ace, what are you doing?! Again?!
TWO-FACE: I'M NOT ACE!
BATMAN: [Takes off TWO-FACE’s facial disguise] YES YOU ARE!
TWO-FACE: NO, I'M HIS UH EVIL TWIN UH ECAD SAGTROP.
BATMAN: (Irritated) What is wrong with you?! Egad!
ECAD: Yes?
BATMAN: Shut up! Can you stop running around like a hooligan in a costume?!
ECAD: Er… [Stares at BATMAN]
BATMAN: PROBE!
ECAD: (Quickly) Yes, sir! Never again, sir! [Salute]
BATMAN: (Frustrated) First Joker, now this? What’s your problem?!
ECAD: That wasn’t me, that was my twin, Por -
BATMAN: No twins! You’re Portgas!
ECAD: I’m not Portgas!
BATMAN: Yes you are! You copied the stupid smiley things from your stupid hat on every bloody letter you sent!
ECAD: No! That just symbolizes my role!
BATMAN: As a psychopath?
ECAD: As a spreader of truth! (Explanatory) By day I am Comedy - I wear the unsuspicious character of Portgas D. Ace who is super awesome! But then people have no idea that by night I am Tragedy, spreading the ugly truth no one else will reveal! See? Two-Face! [Pause] … and I just admitted I was Ace, didn’t I?
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: [Sigh] Well, that was dumb…
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: I set myself up for that, didn’t I?
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: … Can I still send that letter, Mr. Alien?
BATMAN: Nope.
ACE: (Disappointed) Darn it! I was hoping you’d keep saying “yep”!
BATMAN: Nice try. [Frown] What’s so important about this, anyways?
ACE: (Determined) I need to convince people that Blackbeard murdered Thatch!
BATMAN: (Surprised) Say what?!
ACE: (Upset) No one is believing me!
BATMAN: Do you have proof?
ACE: He confessed in the restaurant! In front of Jozu, Marco, and I! We heard him! And the security cam recorded it!
BATMAN: Then you’ve got him!
ACE: (Depressed) No, the court didn’t count any of it as legitimate evidence.
BATMAN: Why not?
ACE: They didn’t understand what he was saying!
BATMAN: Oh.
ACE: So now he’s been acquitted. But I know he’s guilty! I just can’t prove it…! [Wibble]
BATMAN: … you can send the letter.
ACE: (Surprised) R-really?
BATMAN: It’s in the name of Justice. [Draws in a little bat on the letter] Now it’s more official.
ACE: (Cheerful) Yey, go Mr. Alien! [Drops letter in mailbox] Thanks so much!
BATMAN: Yeah, whatever. Now… no more weird costumes, okay?
ACE: Okay! [Pinky promise]
BATMAN: [Twitch] … Let go of my finger. [Glare Glare Glare]
ACE: Yes, sir! Bye, Mr. Alien! [Waits expectantly for alien farewell]
BATMAN: Yeah. Uh. Live long and prosper. [Spock]
ACE: Whoa!
[BATMAN leaves in the Batmobile]
ACE: … How did he do that? [Fiddles with his hand]
--
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--
12. FASHION STATEMENT
--
[SMOKER’S OFFICE. SMOKER reading at desk. TASHIGI stumbles in.]
TASHIGI: (Panicky) Sir!
SMOKER: Hn?
TASHIGI: Uh… I did something bad.
SMOKER: (Apprehensive) … as in “slightly undesirable”, “preferably non-existent”, “not good”, “very not good”, “oh please no”, “oh please please no”, “oh please please @#$% no”, or “OH SHI --!” kind of bad?
TASHIGI: The last one, sir! [Wibble]
SMOKER: (Aghast) You finally killed someone?!
TASHIGI: No sir, not yet sir! [Pause] I mean never! Never!
SMOKER: Okay, okay! So what did you do?
TASHIGI: … I left your Batman mask at the dry cleaners. [Cringe]
SMOKER: (Enlightened) … oh, so that’s how you clean it.
TASHIGI: (Timid) You’re not angry, sir?
SMOKER: (Loudly) OF COURSE I’M ANGRY!
TASHIGI: Eep! [Cower]
SMOKER: [Facepalm] Just… just find me a substitute in two hours. I need to go out tonight.
TASHIGI: Yes, sir! [Typical Tashigi-esque exit.]
SMOKER: Huh. Wonder where it is now…
--
[Outside WHITEBEARD’S. ACE taking a break from work (and MARCO). Cellphone rings. ACE answers it suspiciously.]
ACE: Hello…?
LUFFY: (From phone) Hi Ace!
ACE: (Relieved) Oh, hey Lu! What’s up?
LUFFY: What’s a gold digger?
ACE: Eh?!
LUFFY: No wait, I got it! It means someone who picks his nose a lot, right?
ACE: [Facepalm] … no.
--
[In GALLEY-LA PARK. TASHIGI frantically searching for something that can replace the lost BATMAN mask.]
TASHIGI: Um… dandelions? No, they’re rather flashy… (Frustrated) Where can I find a mask?!
SOGEKING: [Randomly appears] You can find one… in your heart.
TASHIGI: Why are you always here?!
--
[At the SKYPEIA CLEANERS. MOP doing his part-time job.]
MOP: (Puzzled) Uh… wha…? [Picks up BATMAN’s mask. Er… [Looks around for possible owner] Guess I’ll keep it for now.
--
[In the BATCAVE. SMOKER in almost-full BATMAN attire, waiting impatiently for TASHIGI to give him a mask. TASHIGI falls through ceiling and lands on Batmobile. Car alarm sounds.]
SMOKER: Er…
TASHIGI: I’m okay, sir! [Untangles herself from air bags]
SMOKER: Right. So… did you find anything?
TASHIGI: [Sigh] The best thing I could find at such short notice was this. [Holds out an alien mask]
SMOKER: … an alien mask.
TASHIGI: Yes, sir.
SMOKER: … an alien mask?!
TASHIGI: Yes, sir! There wasn’t anything else… [Pause] No wait, there was a clown mask, but that’s worse.
SMOKER: True. [Reluctantly wears alien mask]
TASHIGI: (Cheerful) Well, no one will know it’s really you under that hideously embarrassing disguise!
SMOKER: (Sarcastic) Thanks a lot.
TASHIGI: You’re welcome!
--
[At the LOGUETOWN POST OFFICE. Foggy. Nighttime. UNKNOWN FIGURE (???) lurking suspiciously near a mailbox.]
???: One last letter until my mission is complete!
BATMAN: [Appears] Desist your unlawful activities, Two-Face!
TWO-FACE: (Amused) Man, that was lamer than last time - AAAARGH!
BATMAN: [Jumps in surprise]
TWO-FACE: (Fearful) It’s an alien! [Pause] Do you come in peace?
BATMAN: I just said “desist your unlawful activities”. Do you think I come in peace?
TWO-FACE: (Hopeful) Yes?
BATMAN: Uh, no.
TWO-FACE: Aaaaaaaaargh! [Panics]
BATMAN: Oh, for Pete’s sake… [Facepalm]
TWO-FACE: (Apprehensive) You don’t do that, er, probe thing, right…?
BATMAN: [Groan]
TWO-FACE: What’s that supposed to mean?
BATMAN: No, no, I don’t do the probe thing. [Sigh]
TWO-FACE: Then you must be a nice alien!
BATMAN: I’m not a @#$%ing alien!
TWO-FACE: You aren’t?
BATMAN: No! I’m Batman, you moron!
TWO-FACE: [Scoff] Yeah right. You’re just an alien in a Batman costume!
BATMAN: Has it ever occurred to your pea-brain that I might be Batman in an alien costume?!
TWO-FACE: No, because that’s stupid!
BATMAN: [Massages forehead] (Monotone) Oh no, you’ve found me out. I am totally an alien in a Batman costume.
TWO-FACE: (Triumphant) Haha! (Curious) So, Mr. Alien, why are you here?
BATMAN: Uh, Batman sent me. In the name of Justice.
TWO-FACE: Ohh… where did he go?
BATMAN: Er, he’s on vacation in, uh, Poland… Land.
TWO-FACE: Wow, I’ve never been to Poland Land!
BATMAN: Yeah, many people haven’t. Many, many people. As in nobody. (Mutter) Since Poland Land doesn’t exist…
TWO-FACE: So you’re here in the name of Justice?
BATMAN: Right.
TWO-FACE: Are you going to abduct me?
BATMAN: Uh… no.
TWO-FACE: Yey!
BATMAN: I’m going to arrest you.
TWO-FACE: Darn it!
BATMAN: I can’t just let you keep sending asinine letters to people! It’s irritating!
TWO-FACE: But they’re important!
BATMAN: That doesn’t change the fact that they’re irritating! Insult people the conventional way - go post angry comments on their Tracebook walls or something! No one mails anymore!
TWO-FACE: I do!
BATMAN: Besides you!
TWO-FACE: Oh. True. [Gasp] But I have to send this one!
BATMAN: No!
TWO-FACE: Yes!
BATMAN: No!
TWO-FACE: Yes!
BATMAN: Yes!
TWO-FACE: No! [Pause] Wait, I mean -
BATMAN: [Takes letter from TWO-FACE while he’s distracted] Hehe.
TWO-FACE: (Panicky) Ack! Give that back!
BATMAN: (Threatening) Shut up or I’ll probe you!
TWO-FACE: I’ll be good! [Shuts up]
BATMAN: [Sigh] (Reads aloud) “Marshall D. Teach is guilty.” [Pause] That’s it?
TWO-FACE: Yes, and it’s very important! [Tries to retrieve letter]
BATMAN: Probe!
TWO-FACE: [Desists]
BATMAN: [Sigh] Stop accusing people of doing random junk. [Pause. Stares at smiley faces on purloined letter.] Hmm… [Longer pause]
TWO-FACE: Yo, what’re you staring at?
BATMAN: Shut up!
TWO-FACE: Paper!
BATMAN: Probe!
TWO-FACE: (Braver) Paper beats rock!
BATMAN: … what the @#$%? (Annoyed) Probe beats butt! Now shut up. Honestly, you’re acting just like Po - [Pause] ARGH!
TWO-FACE: Waa! Don’t probe me!
BATMAN: Portgas D. @#$%ing Ace, what are you doing?! Again?!
TWO-FACE: I'M NOT ACE!
BATMAN: [Takes off TWO-FACE’s facial disguise] YES YOU ARE!
TWO-FACE: NO, I'M HIS UH EVIL TWIN UH ECAD SAGTROP.
BATMAN: (Irritated) What is wrong with you?! Egad!
ECAD: Yes?
BATMAN: Shut up! Can you stop running around like a hooligan in a costume?!
ECAD: Er… [Stares at BATMAN]
BATMAN: PROBE!
ECAD: (Quickly) Yes, sir! Never again, sir! [Salute]
BATMAN: (Frustrated) First Joker, now this? What’s your problem?!
ECAD: That wasn’t me, that was my twin, Por -
BATMAN: No twins! You’re Portgas!
ECAD: I’m not Portgas!
BATMAN: Yes you are! You copied the stupid smiley things from your stupid hat on every bloody letter you sent!
ECAD: No! That just symbolizes my role!
BATMAN: As a psychopath?
ECAD: As a spreader of truth! (Explanatory) By day I am Comedy - I wear the unsuspicious character of Portgas D. Ace who is super awesome! But then people have no idea that by night I am Tragedy, spreading the ugly truth no one else will reveal! See? Two-Face! [Pause] … and I just admitted I was Ace, didn’t I?
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: [Sigh] Well, that was dumb…
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: I set myself up for that, didn’t I?
BATMAN: Yep.
ACE: … Can I still send that letter, Mr. Alien?
BATMAN: Nope.
ACE: (Disappointed) Darn it! I was hoping you’d keep saying “yep”!
BATMAN: Nice try. [Frown] What’s so important about this, anyways?
ACE: (Determined) I need to convince people that Blackbeard murdered Thatch!
BATMAN: (Surprised) Say what?!
ACE: (Upset) No one is believing me!
BATMAN: Do you have proof?
ACE: He confessed in the restaurant! In front of Jozu, Marco, and I! We heard him! And the security cam recorded it!
BATMAN: Then you’ve got him!
ACE: (Depressed) No, the court didn’t count any of it as legitimate evidence.
BATMAN: Why not?
ACE: They didn’t understand what he was saying!
BATMAN: Oh.
ACE: So now he’s been acquitted. But I know he’s guilty! I just can’t prove it…! [Wibble]
BATMAN: … you can send the letter.
ACE: (Surprised) R-really?
BATMAN: It’s in the name of Justice. [Draws in a little bat on the letter] Now it’s more official.
ACE: (Cheerful) Yey, go Mr. Alien! [Drops letter in mailbox] Thanks so much!
BATMAN: Yeah, whatever. Now… no more weird costumes, okay?
ACE: Okay! [Pinky promise]
BATMAN: [Twitch] … Let go of my finger. [Glare Glare Glare]
ACE: Yes, sir! Bye, Mr. Alien! [Waits expectantly for alien farewell]
BATMAN: Yeah. Uh. Live long and prosper. [Spock]
ACE: Whoa!
[BATMAN leaves in the Batmobile]
ACE: … How did he do that? [Fiddles with his hand]
--
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