this or that

[swishin_shrimp]

I have been annoyingly indecisive lately and it's really getting on my nerves. I will often sit around with my stomach growling simply because I can't decide what I want to eat. I will stare at the computer screen for hours on end because I can't decide on a book to read. Hopefully this is just a phase, one that will be over soon enough

Comments

I like it

[canyousayllama]

I like the way you described the different people you were thinking of sitting next to. I think that you should use a different frase instead of "bug out" at the end, because you use all this vocabulary and even though you use similar frases like "stomach gives a gurgle of hunger" or "munching", they're not as blunt. You know? I feel like it's too simple a frase and changes the tone of the piece.

I also liked the way you described the teenage boy's reaction when you sat next to him and the candy vendor's when he couldn't get anyone to buy his candy. I felt sorry for him. Oh and I also liked the way you were talking about how you're paranoid of how the train's going to crash and you're all going to die.

Maybe it's just because that's what I think about too whenever I hear unusual noises on a train..

hehe " You don't have to be crazy, but it helps." Bob Ross

last thing

[canyousayllama]

You might want to change your title. For me, the sliding doors didn't stnad out that much. You could change it to something like "$20 Candy Bar" or "Candy Anyone?" I felt like that was the focal point. I don't know, just suggestions. Do what suits you.

Re: last thing

[swishin_shrimp]

i lurve bob ross.

you're right about the "bug out" i'll probably just change it to his jaw drops or something

the title: i like making the titles of my stories/poems things that seem like they are just a thing from the stories (ex. sliding doors or silence--the name of my mystery story from last year) but they actually have some sort of metaphorical/deeper meaning. so Silence: the obvious meaning is the lady is deaf so she doesn't hear anything but the deeper meaning is how she doesn't tell anyone how her husband abuses her (i don't even know if you remember this story but just play along). i meant for sliding doors to have that same sort of feeling but now that you mention it, it could be better...

Public Transportation?
Sweet Tooth?

i'll think about it....