Fuck, I'm feeling all kinds today ( Read more... )

its been a while since i updated.

ive been managinv well for the most part thligh some days are easier thsn ofhers.

this weekend is a real challenge.

the complete oppositrs in the relatio ships i have had, are in my face as im on an annual camping trip with my ex wife.

the constant bicketing, the ignorance, and the controllkng.   the unending stream of ( Read more... )

overall, im doing alot better with things.

ive accepted things the way they are, but i do still have a bit of optimism and hope deep in the back of my mind.

i think about her often, and mostly wonder how she is.
im not stalking her, but i have looked her up once or twice.   it looks like she had a good time with her eldest at the event this weekend.

( Read more... )

I had been looking forward to going out tonight, till i heard that my friend Walter had joined FOS and made it an open event for them too..... and a couple people i dont want to see right now are going to be there tonight.  I've been doing a decent job building resiliency, but one person in particular who I cannot begin to trust even a little, is ( Read more... )

was recommended to me to read the book 'attached'.

its haunting how effective its been.

chapter 5, was just too close to home

Decided that in the beginning I was avoidant (not me/protective of self) and as I shifted to my normal style it may have been to late.    In the beginning she was secure... And my avoidance drove the wedge.     When it came to ( Read more... )

I also realized.... Looking at myself from the outside.... Is a whiney, depressed, needy emotionally unstable person terribly attractive?  Would I date someone like that?    The answer I decide on both is no.

So, I've got a unique opportunity to work on the things that put me in that state.

I know that confidence is sexy as Fuck.   So I'm taking care ( Read more... )

i may still want her back bit got some compleyely clean perspectives from aome far away friends.

i also came to a realization today that really helped me figure things out.

Regardless of all the other things I want,.  The only person I know for sure is in my future is me.... And I want to have a long and happy life with this guy. :). So that's my ( Read more... )

I decided yesterday, that today was going to be a new  and GREAT day.

I'm having a pretty good day, and have set myself a plan for how i'm going to fix my self, and  build back my resliency, and self confidence ( Read more... )

things that ive changed this week.

1.  meditation
2. extrnal exercize
3. purposeful outlook shift
4. medical dose adjustment(nurse approved)
5. booked a babysitting gig for the end of the mo th l.
6. decided to start hanging out with my cloae friends.  the idea bwing, i am my self when around those that know me best.

decided this evening to make a concious change.

im done feeling sorry for myself.  im done with the what ifs.   i looked in the emotional mirror and said to myaelf... wouls you find thia behaviour attractive?

no.  no i wouldnt.   grsnted some of this is beyond my control  but the last time i had an episode like this, i did things to change my outlook ( Read more... )