Fic: Anchor Me 1/2 (Star Trek Reboot; Kirk/Spock)
Title: Anchor Me
Universe/Series: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: PG-13
Relationship status: First Time
Word count: 16391
Genre: hurt/comfort, romance, slight AU (only as far as Kirk's genetical make-up)
Summary: Written for this prompt at the st_xi_kink_meme. Kirk is part Betazoid, he doesn't advertise it because it doesn't define him, but after feeling the terror and the psychic scream from the destruction of Vulcan he starts to break down. He can't block anything anymore and it almost kills him. Spock intervenes.
A/N: This is only my third attempt at K/S, I hope it's decent. Also, this fic was meant to be read in oneshot format but I had to split it in two due to word limit.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters/plot/etc. from Star Trek, and I'm not making any profit out of this story.
It's like a tsunami. A monumental wave approaching. He can feel it, he knows it's coming but he's powerless. He can't stop it.
He's still reeling from the adrenaline of the space jump, trying to catch his breath when he's hit by this unstoppable wave of feelings and he's not even sure he's breathing anymore. For all his training, his shields don't stand a chance and crumble under the force of billions of voices screaming in terror. It's deafening and he's sure he's going to break, he can't possibly contain all that fear.
Their pain and loss hit him in his chest like a brick wall. It mounts and crashes into him until he feels as if he's being obliterated by it. He takes his last breath - billions of them - and it catches as something seems to snap…
…and all is silent.
~o~
He's still panting hard when Spock reappears on the transporter pad, hand outstretched toward his absent mother. For a brief moment all Jim can feel is a hole inside him, where there was unimaginable pain and then silence now there's nothing, just emptiness. It's eating at him like a black hole. He feels sharp pangs of loss, grief and denial, guilt and regret coming from those around him before they're swallowed in the darkness.
He tries to breathe but the darkness sucks it all in.
~o~
He's running in the snow. Falling and running from a monster that wants to make him his dinner but can't run from the monster that's eating him from the inside.
Fire.
He's safe.
"How did you find me?"
Surprise coming from the stranger who acts like they know each other. Joy, affection, protectiveness, sorrow. He tries to block them out but to no avail. He focuses on listening to the Vulcan.
"I have been and always shall be your friend."
As it turns out a mind meld is the last thing he needs right now. More feelings and he is defenseless.
"Emotional transference is a side effect."
Guilt and grief wash over him like water on sand, loosening and erasing the boundaries of his mind. He feels small and lost, he can't see the beginning and can't reach the end.
He has nothing to hold on to.
"You have to go back to the Enterprise."
He has a mission and he needs to focus on that.
~o~
He's yelling at Spock trying to make him show what Jim knows he's feeling. Spock's pain is so acute that it feels like torture and his anger reverberates through Jim leaving him dizzy. He can't even fight back when Spock attacks him.
He sits in the captain's chair and takes a breath.
For a second he thinks he's in no better shape than Spock.
~o~
On the first day of their five-year mission Spock can admit to experiencing anticipation before entering the bridge. Captain James Tiberius Kirk welcomes him aboard with a soft smile that strikes Spock for his openness and through his telepathy he can perceive the sincere joy the Captain feels and senses in him the same anticipation. He can't help but being warmed and reassured by it.
When Kirk gives his order to ship out he turns to Spock, who meets his gaze and nods. This wordless understanding echoes what they had during the Narada mission, as soon as they actually started working together. This is why Spock came back. He has never been so instantly in tune with someone and it feels right.
Their first shift passes smoothly and uneventfully, every crewmember nonetheless busy with the many tasks a starship of their caliber requires. As soon as the beta crew arrives the Captain slips into the turbolift, saying something about checking personally with the heads of the various departments. Spock follows him swiftly, offering to accompany him as it is only logical for him to familiarize himself with all personnel. The Captain nods his approval and Spock notices he is more relaxed while they're in the turbolift together. Surely Kirk is feeling the pressure of his many responsibilities and that accounts for his tense state, Spock considers it a sign that he is taking his job very seriously and thinks it will ease once he gains more experience.
The feeling of anticipation doesn't leave him even when he departs from his Captain, who excuses himself to retire to his quarters. Logically he knows it will take time to ascertain if his counterpart's words will hold true in this reality and Spock is adept at waiting. He has been practicing his whole life, waiting for that kind of acceptance that never came from anybody but his mother. He will wait some more.
~o~
Kirk is sitting in his chair on the bridge, he glances back at Spock who nods and he feels reassured. It's like a reverse radar, instead of the points of action - so much noise, so many emotions pushing against the nonexistent boundaries of his mind - he needs to find that one point of silence. The only calm in this swirling chaos that invades his mind.
He can do this, he only needs some time to get a grip on it and he will control it again. He has to focus. That will keep him going.
He rushes away from the bridge as soon as he can, trying to busy himself until it's reasonable for him to hide in his quarters and fall on his bed gripping his head. It hurts so much he has tears in his eyes and can't help the pained sound that escapes his gritted teeth.
If he asks Bones for an inhibitor the doctor will be onto him in a second, poking and prodding, so that's out of the question. His only chance is to meditate all those feelings and thoughts away to ease his pain at the source.
Too bad that hasn't worked for him since the destruction of Vulcan.
Still, he has to keep trying. He folds himself in the lotus position and starts taking deep breaths, shifting his focus internally and away from the pain. Except his mind is filled with it and he can't escape. His meditation doesn't hold for long but he doesn't give up and after a couple hours he has managed to lessen his headache, finally falling back on the bed and into sleep filled with echoes of crying voices.
~o~
During their first senior staff meeting on board the Enterprise Spock sits on his Captain's right and watches the crew file into the conference room. They greet each other cordially and begin to sit, some stopping to introduce themselves to those they are not yet familiar with. Spock notices Kirk flinching and shooting a glance at Lieutenant Commander Scott who is shaking Lieutenant Uhura's hand. Then Spock distinctly hears his Captain think "That's something I really didn't need to know!" and he has to control himself not to show his surprise. He is used to perceiving humans' fleeting thoughts and feelings when in close proximity to them, but not when he is shielding as strongly as he is now.
However he doesn't have time to ponder the possible implications, as his Captain calls for the room's attention and starts briefing everyone on the details of their first mission.
At the end of the meeting Doctor McCoy lingers in the room to inquire after the Captain's health. Spock thinks that perhaps he noticed Kirk's tense demeanor too. The Captain quickly musters up a smile and admits to a light headache, nothing a good night sleep won't cure. McCoy seems satisfied at the explanation and Spock doesn't say anything, he doesn't know his Captain well enough to have an opinion yet.
~o~
Four days into their five-year mission Spock requests entrance to the Captain's quarters for a brief report and finds him sitting cross-legged on his bed wearing comfortable clothes. He has a couple pads in front of him but must have turned them off when Spock entered. Spock notices something else, an object on a shelf not far from the bed, but refrains from mentioning it instead proceeding to discuss ship's business.
"Is that all, Commander?" Kirk asks when Spock seems to be done.
"Yes, Captain." He pauses, "May I ask a personal query?"
"Sure." Kirk looks curious.
"Would you be amenable to a game of chess?" he glances at the board sitting on Kirk's shelf as if to silently explain his question.
Kirk looks surprised from Spock to the board and back, "Absolutely! Do you have time now?"
Spock nods "I am currently off duty."
Kirk smiles and gestures to his desk "Have a seat then."
That night Kirk loses three games but Spock observes him smiling and generally being more relaxed than he has seen him on shift during these first days. Spock cannot help being pleased and decides to make their games a regular occurrence in the future. Even though he lost, the Captain has proved to be an engaging opponent.
~o~
At the end of their first diplomatic mission Spock is in the transporter room with the Captain and Lieutenant Uhura attending the departure of their guests, three representatives of the Reelan people.
The Captain flushes a deep red at the greeting words of the Reelan leader, a humanoid with long white hair and amber eyes that seem to burn.
"We would be honored by your presence to our joining festivities, Captain. Are you certain you cannot attend?"
Kirk represses a shiver and says "Thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately my duties demand that we depart immediately. It's been an honor meeting with your people." He executes a perfect bow in the Reelan style and the party is finally beamed back to their planet.
Uhura glances at Kirk "That must have been the hardest thing you've ever done."
Kirk turns to her with a smirk and raised eyebrows. "No pun intended, sir." She adds grinning. Kirk throws his head back and laughs.
"Since when is 'joining festivities' code for three-day orgy anyway?" he asks bemused, "I totally grew up on the wrong planet!" he groans, making Uhura laugh too.
"They weren't that hot though." She says while they exit the room, Uhura and Spock on either side of Kirk.
Kirk makes a face "Yeah, the ears were really putting me off."
Uhura nods "Too hairy."
Spock just walks along, amused at the exchange without showing it. It is the first time he has heard his Captain laugh so freely.
For a while it will also be the last.
~o~
Every night Kirk wakes up sweating from nightmares populated by figures screaming in agony. Migraines become his constant companions and he finds almost no relief in meditation. When he can't sleep he works out in the gym, mindless of the hour, trying to bring his body to a level of exhaustion that will force him to sleep. The rest of the time he focuses on his job, the only thing that keeps him from giving up entirely.
He can feel Spock's eyes on him, the Vulcan is always by his side and Kirk knows he notices everything. Every time he slips and flinch for a particular strong wave of emotion, every time he tenses in pain, every time he seems to know exactly what those around him are thinking or feeling. Those are the times he gets the most curious glances from Spock, and he wonders if the Vulcan knows, or if he's starting to piece the puzzle together. Kirk knows Spock is a telepath too but has no idea how much he can surmise without touch and he's being very careful with that.
Sometimes he gets the urge to just tell Spock everything. When they're alone working on paperwork or playing chess and they stop to just talk of everything and nothing, in those moments Jim finds he can still smile and has to bite his tongue not to just tell him. It's starting to feel more and more like they're friends and surely Spock would understand better than anybody else, but he can't bring himself to do it.
Tomorrow will be better, he thinks every day. It never is.
~o~
It was supposed to be an easy mission. Meet with the locals, play nice, secure a trading contract for their dilithium and see if they would like to officially join the Federation now that they've reached warp.
Of course Starfleet's info on the planet is not up to date because they've admittedly had bigger fish to fry, so Kirk figures he should cut them some slack. He finds it hard though when he beams down in the middle of a civil war and two of his security officers are killed on sight, while the third one starts stunning every being they come across. Spock and Kirk draw their phasers too and suddenly it's all too clear why they couldn't contact anyone on the planet, communications must have been the first thing disabled when hell broke loose. Luckily they have a check-in with the Enterprise in an hour with orders to beam them back if communications are still impossible. All they have to do now is survive until then.
They start running towards the periphery of the city they beamed to, covering every time they can and praying their phasers don't run out of charge. They've almost made it to the edge of the city when it starts raining, making it almost impossible to spot threats before they're too close. Spock suggests they hide in the forest that spreads on the north-east and they're almost there when Spock is hit and falls down in the mud. Kirk and the remaining security officer - Lieutenant Yuki - manage to stun the assailant and his companions before Kirk runs back to Spock, who has been hit on his thigh and is bleeding too much for Jim's liking. He helps the Vulcan up and drapes Spock's arm on his shoulder so that he can lean on Kirk to walk. They have to slow down now and Lieutenant Yuki has to play backup for them on her own but they finally reach the forest. They keep walking into it for a little while or they won't be hidden at all but soon Kirk stops, too worried for his Vulcan First Officer who is trembling against him. He helps Spock to a sitting position, back propped up against a tree while Yuki stands guard. They're all soaked to their bones.
"How long until the Enterprise beams us back, Spock?" Kirk asks, taking off his gold shirt and moving closer to Spock.
"Approximately 27 minutes, Captain."
"Okay. I have to stop the bleeding now." He warns before starting to wrap his shirt around Spock's thigh as tightly as possible. "You're going to be fine." He tells Spock with that finality in his tone that Spock is familiar with now, the one that states illogical and improbable outcomes that somehow always come true. Spock just looks at him.
"Yuki, are you injured?"
"No, sir."
"Good. We should be getting out of here soon. You've got a killer aim by the way." He praises and Spock mentally approves. "You did great today."
"Thank you, sir." She musters a small smile then resumes watching out for eventual enemies.
Spock is still watching Kirk so he notices immediately when Kirk frowns and turns his head sharply to their uncovered side. He closes his eyes then opens them and shoots three times with his phaser. Yuki whips around at the sound of phaser fire. Spock hears distant thuds, like bodies falling to the ground.
"Captain?" she whispers.
"I think I hit them all." He says like nothing out of the ordinary has just happened.
"How did you locate them?" Spock asks, some of his surprise probably audible in his tone.
"I heard a noise, it couldn't be any of us so I fired." He shrugs.
Spock cannot help but think that three perfect shots in a dark forest while it rains are a stretch even for his surprisingly resourceful Captain.
"I did not hear anything."
"I'm afraid the bleeding has distracted you, Spock." Kirk replies with a pained smile.
There is something Kirk is not telling him and Spock is determinate to find out what it is.
Later, after Spock has been released from Sickbay he joins his Captain in his quarters intending to ask him about the events that occurred planet side, and the many other small things Spock has noticed during these months. Kirk is writing communications to the families of the deceased when he suddenly stops, covering his eyes with one hand, not saying anything for a couple minutes. Spock knows these are the first casualties to happen under his command and doesn't have it in him to question Kirk anymore. Instead he just sits closer and when Jim, sensing the movement, instinctively leans a bit into his shoulder Spock doesn't move back.
~o~
2 months, 3 weeks, 5 days and 17 hours since the start of their five-year mission is how long it takes Spock to find out the truth.
It's too late.
~o~
It doesn't bode well for them since the beginning. They're supposed to retrieve a team of scientists from the planet Psi2000 and they find them all inexplicably dead. They have to proceed anyway and record data of the planet collapsing onto itself, which is really the last thing any of them wants to see even if this time it's a natural occurrence and there are no people dying with it. Everybody is tense, almost vibrating with it, and Kirk is slowly going mad just sitting on the bridge with nothing to do but watch a dying planet, all the while bombarded with his crew's unease and voices screaming in his mind, replaying different events.
The distraction comes in a form he wouldn't have chosen, an unknown virus brought aboard by the careless science officer that accompanied Spock on the planet. The man dies seemingly without cause but not before having spread the contagion to the bridge crew and who knows how many more.
While Spock goes around neck pinching everyone who acts out of the ordinary - like Sulu who apparently thinks he's D'Artagnan - and maybe even enjoying it a little, Kirk thinks with a rueful smile, he has to help Scotty take back the engine room where Chekov has barricaded himself and is delighting everyone with his dubious musical talent.
What they find when they finally get it back is even more troubling. Chekov has turned off the engines and it would take thirty minutes to restart them when they barely have eight. Kirk runs off in search of Spock, who will be able to work the matter-antimatter implosion necessary for a cold-restart without blowing them up, or they will be sucked into the atmosphere of Psi2000 and die anyway.
He finds Spock sitting in a conference room, head buried in his arms mumbling to himself. Kirk is immediately hit by all the conflicting emotions warring inside Spock and it takes his breath away, making him stumble and lean onto a wall.
"I never told her I loved her. She will never know. I will never see her again."
Grief, sorrow, regret, love, guilt. It's too much. It's the last straw.
"Not you too, Spock. Don't do this to me." Even speaking is too much of an effort under the pressure of all that Spock is feeling. "I need you to restart the engines even if they're cold. We have to try or we'll die with this planet. Spock, focus on that! Go now!" He urges through gritted teeth before he's completely shattered and collapses to the ground, falling into the black emptiness that has been waiting for him.
Spock is shocked out of his momentary lapse of control by his Captain's loss of consciousness. He does not touch him to avoid infecting him, but alerts McCoy to the Captain's status and location and is in turn informed that the doctor has found a cure and is administering it to the crew with M'Benga's help.
Spock then runs to the engine room to follow his Captain's orders. The result of the successful cold-start is fascinating, they travel three days back in time. Spock is sure the data they collected will be discussed for decades in the scientific community but right now he has more pressing matters to attend to, he orders the Enterprise on course to their next mission and goes to Sickbay to personally inquire on the Captain's status.
~o~
"This can't be right! He's convulsing and this damn thing says he's in a coma!" McCoy growls fiddling with the controls of the biobed Kirk is lying on. The doctor is still trying to restrain Jim's body and calling for M'Benga to come help.
"Doctor!" Chapel tries unsuccessfully to gain his attention, while restraining the Captain on the other side of the bed "LEONARD! Calm yourself or you'll make it worse!"
Spock, who is watching the scene without disturbing, is perplexed by her statement. The doctor is known for being vociferous while executing his job steadily and efficiently, even Spock is somehow beginning to get used to it, though he can't say he appreciates it. McCoy freezes at the words though, still gripping the Captain's arm who's convulsing horribly, but he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before injecting Kirk with something.
"Thank you, Christine." His voice is level and devoid of the usual grumble that seems to underline everything he says. Spock isn't even sure he recognizes the man but has no time to consider it because his eyes instantly go back to the Captain, his convulsions are finally subsiding.
M'Benga enters the room, cool and collected, a tricorder in hand with which he immediately starts scanning Kirk. He shakes his head "There's nothing wrong with the readings, he's in a coma." Spock feels something cold drop in his stomach at the words.
"Let me see" McCoy turns to study the readings taken by the biobed and confront them, "It still doesn't make any sense, look at these spikes in his brainwaves."
"He's in pain" M'Benga says, then frowns "but he's not hurt."
"Not physically." notes McCoy.
"You think he's been affected by the virus?" Chapel ventures.
"He didn't show any symptoms, did he Spock?" M'Benga asks.
"The Captain left the bridge without coming into contact with anyone, but he seemed distressed. When he found me again he was clearly in pain and then he lost consciousness."
"It doesn't fit with the virus. What kind of pain?"
"He didn't elaborate but he has had headaches on multiple occasions lately." Spock offers.
"What? Why didn't he come to me? Why didn't you tell me? Don't answer." McCoy pauses "What I meant before is that I think the virus messed him up indirectly. I think this is backlash for all the rampant emotions on board."
"But he should have been able to shield." Chapel objects.
"Apparently not. And I've never had a case like this, it's like he's stuck in a pattern of pain," he points to the readings "see how they recur? It's like a loop, but how do I break him out of it? I've never seen anything like this in any Betazoid I've treated!"
"He can't sustain that much pain for much longer." M'Benga observes, studying the readings.
McCoy huffs "That's why I need ideas!"
Spock takes a step toward McCoy "Doctor, the Captain is Betazoid?"
McCoy looks at him with a manic expression "Only part Betazoid, not to mention he was born in space so God knows the radiation he got and what it did to him!" he turns back to M'Benga "Why is he reacting like this? Couldn't he be normal for once and lash out like any other Betazoid I've ever met?"
"Doctor, perhaps I can attempt a mind meld to discern the cause of the Captain's state." Spock intervenes.
"Vulcan voodoo, really?" McCoy explodes at the same time as M'Benga says "Spock, I'm not sure it would be safe for you, we don't know anything for sure."
"Are there other viable options?" Spock asks with a raised eyebrow.
McCoy reluctantly shakes his head, "Fine, do it. But I'm going to monitor you too. Be careful, don't hurt him more." He pauses, "And bring him back" he says with a meaningful look.
Spock is falling and falling, everything is dark around him and he's alone. There's nothing he can hold on to, no feeling, no thought, just darkness. His fall seems to last endlessly and he realizes with fear that he has no way to determine how long it is, no way to stop it.
Suddenly he's blinded by light, he closes his eyes then opens them slowly, carefully. He's standing on sand and that is all there is, only a seemingly infinite flat expanse of sand everywhere he looks. There's no horizon, nothing in sight in the far distance not even something resembling a sky, where one would expect the mind to produce the image. Looking up all he can see is white lifeless emptiness. It's daunting and oppressive and Spock feels chilled by this deserted landscape.
He can't feel his Captain's presence.
McCoy stares at Spock's readings, "He's stabilizing now. What the hell is he doing that got his heart going that fast?"
M'Benga shrugs, they have no way of knowing.
"Is there any way to break him out of it if it all goes to hell?" McCoy asks.
"Not without a skilled telepath and I wouldn't bet on it anyway."
"We've already used up all our telepaths."
"I could try slapping him in the face" M'Benga mimics the gesture.
McCoy would laugh if he weren't so worried, "Not that I wouldn't enjoy seeing that but would it really work?"
"It's worth a shot."
"Captain?"
Spock tries calling him.
"Jim?"
Nothing changes around him.
Spock kneels down on the sand and spreads a hand on it, he closes his eyes. The sand is cold. He tries to will it to change, to take him to his Captain but nothing happens.
What is he doing? He is not a trained healer, he has never attempted anything like this, he will fail. He will not find him and will lose himself trying. It's illogical.
A hot feeling courses through him. Even if he will lose himself it is still worth an attempt, his Captain needs him and Spock wants him back.
The sand under his palm warms briefly at that thought. Spock's eyes flash open, startled. Nothing has changed. Perhaps strong emotions can elicit a response. But the Captain was suffering already from all the feelings he was exposed to. What if he caused him even more pain?
Spock has barely admitted to himself that he's allowed to have emotions and here he is trying to determine the right ones to find his Captain. He is sure Kirk would laugh at the irony.
The sand trembles suddenly.
Not just emotions maybe, but those connected to the Captain. He thinks of the first time he entered the bridge and Kirk's smile, friendly and welcoming. He thinks of his words, of Kirk guarding his back on the Narada, honor and trust. He thinks of his Captain not leaving his side when he got hurt, and suddenly there's a ripple in the white emptiness and he can see his memory replaying in front of his eyes, Kirk stunning those who threaten them and he feels a fierce loyalty. The sand starts to tremble visibly, it moves all around him like an earthquake. Spock concentrates on the friendship they're building and how he wants it back.
He's engulfed in a soft warm glow and at first he can't see the source, then a small globe of light enters his line of vision, floating in front of him like a small star. It pulses with life and seems to get stronger and brighter while Spock watches it. The light dives down and crashes into the sands making everything explode and disappear.
Spock is engulfed in darkness once again but this time punctuated with stars and Spock can finally feel his Captain's presence. It's feeble and Spock can feel his agony, the pain that caused him to retreat so far from Spock's reach. He follows that trace and reaches for Jim, wrapping around him to shield him from the pain and pull him back to the surface. He doesn't know if Jim realizes Spock is there with him but when he feels relief pouring out of him he knows his efforts are working. Carefully, he guides them both back to consciousness, releasing the meld.
Spock falls on a chair that had been put near him, blinking against the harsh lights of Sickbay.
"Good god, man! You've been at it for almost an hour! I thought we had lost you both!" there's raw relief in McCoy's voice.
Luckily Spock doesn't have to answer because Jim moans in pain rolling on his side, his back to Spock. He squints up at the doctor, "Bones?" he croaks.
"You idiot!"
"Shh, Bones. Hurts." He brings his hands to his face.
"What, Jim? What hurts?"
"Everything. Head. Make it stop."
"I can give you something for the headache. But I need to check you out first, you were in a coma, you damn fool! What did you do to yourself? Are you shielding at all?"
"Can't. Everything's gone." He grimaces. "So much pain."
McCoy glances at Spock, a scared look in his eyes "I need to give him something for the pain, he's incoherent."
After having been in Jim's mind Spock is not so sure that's an accurate assessment.
~o~
"He's resting, finally. I gave him an inhibitor, he should be able to sleep that way." McCoy informs Spock as he enters his office where the Vulcan has been waiting for him. The doctor sits in his chair with a weary sigh and scrubs a hand on his face. "The way he says it, he's been like this since the destruction of Vulcan." He says slowly.
"He has experienced it telepathically."
"And empathically, let's not forget about that 'cause that's the kicker. I'd rather not tell you this, but I'm sure you'd just bug me until I did anyway, so." He takes a deep breath, "Jim has felt everything all those people felt in their last moments."
Spock is silent.
McCoy fills the silence, "And the idiot didn't tell me! He says he hasn't been able to shield anything since then. Three months, Spock! What the hell am I going to do to help him?"
"Did the Captain say if he had consulted with a healer?"
"No, he didn't. That's not how Jim works. He never tells anybody that he's part Betazoid. I only know because I'm his doctor, besides me only M'Benga and Chapel know because I need backup and at least one nurse who knows what the hell she's dealing with. I don't think he's ever seen a healer, as far as I know his mother saw to his training and that was it."
"That is illogical and could have been detrimental to the Captain's health."
"And that surprises you?" McCoy asks sarcastically. "We're talking about Jim here, he's not exactly the most logical tool in the box."
"Vulcans do not feel surprise, Doctor." Spock replies stiffly.
"Sure. Is that why your eyes bulged out when you found out he's part Betazoid?" He waves a hand in front of him to ward off any retort. "We need to find someone who can help him. That's our priority now."
"Diverting our course to Betazed is impossible at this juncture."
"Which is good 'cause Jim doesn't know anybody there, and I doubt Starfleet would appreciate the publicity that would inevitably come out of going through the official channels."
Spock nods, "Then the Captain will have to take a temporary leave and see to his health through Starfleet's health program."
"So we should just drop him off at the next Starbase? He'll never go with that! And you've already seen for yourself how well marooning him works! He'll find his way back every time, like a damn boomerang." He makes a wild gesture that Spock imagines is supposed to mimic the object he's referring to.
Spock raises an eyebrow at McCoy, glaring slightly, "As I am now more familiar with the Captain, I believe you are correct."
McCoy scowls back but refrains from commenting.
Having exhausted all logical solutions, only one remains and Spock has been thinking about it since he found Jim. "Perhaps I could offer the Captain my assistance."
"Isn't it dangerous for you too? It didn't look like a piece of cake to me while you were connected to him."
"Those were extenuating circumstances. With the Captain as a conscious participant any risk would be less significant."
"But you're not a healer." McCoy objects, extremely reluctant to just hand over the care of Jim's health.
"That is true, but all Vulcans are trained to see to both their physical and mental health. While I am not familiar with Betazoid training I believe it is safe to assume a certain degree of similarities. I will need to speak with the Captain concerning this possibility before we can consider the matter settled."
"Right, you do that. It's not like we have any other options really."
~o~
Since McCoy has put the Captain on mandatory sick leave for twenty-four hours (to Jim's undignified annoyance) Spock has to justify with the crew their Captain's absence, stating that the Captain is in acceptable health, but is forbidden to receive visitors because he is recuperating from what could be considered a telepathic attack. Some of the senior officers look even more worried then, but seem mollified after Spock adds that Kirk has been extremely loud in expressing his displeasure at being confined in his quarters.
Nonetheless Spock finds himself cornered by Nyota as soon as their shift is over.
"Is he really ok?" she asks with a slightly worried look. Spock is not surprised, he's not the only one who has had to revise his opinion on James Kirk during the last three months.
"I did not lie to the crew as you seem to imply." He says in his best emotionless tone.
"I didn't mean that, it's just that a telepathic attack sounds bad."
"It was," he admits "but the Captain is very strong." After only a glimpse of Kirk's sufferance Spock is still wondering how he even survived this long.
Uhura nods, "Did you see him?"
"Yes, I assisted him during the most troubling part through a mind meld. I am not at liberty to discuss the details, Nyota. It would be a breach of the Captain's privacy."
She waves a hand in front of herself "That's okay, I understand. I'll help you reassuring everybody. Did you see the look on Chekov's face? Like they kicked his favorite puppy." She smiles, "That's some hero worship he's got going. Anyway, he'll be back tomorrow, right?"
"If he recuperates satisfactorily, yes."
"Are you going to help him?"
"I will endeavor to do so, with his permission."
"Then I'm sure he'll be fine." She smiles again and leaves.
~o~
Spock visits the Captain as soon as he has attended to the rest of his duties. Kirk is of course still in his quarters and Spock finds him sitting cross-legged on his bed, wearing grey sweats and a white t-shirt. It suddenly occurs to him that this is not the first time he has found his Captain in such a position, and only now he recognizes it as an attempt at meditation.
"Hey, Spock." The Captain smiles faintly "If you're here to relieve me of command I understand." He's had all day to prepare himself and not come off like even more of an ass to his First Officer, whose opinion of him must have hit a new low after the recent events.
"Lieutenant Sulu currently has the conn, Captain." Spock says helplessly not having foreseen this line of conversation.
"Come on, don't beat around the bush. You're here to tell me I was compromised and illogical. Look, I thought I just needed time to get it back under control. I couldn't imagine I'd end up collapsing three months after the fact."
"I confess I am not sure whether you qualify as compromised. You have been working efficiently, always taking into consideration your subordinates' input and nobody was negatively affected by your state. With the exception of our last mission which resulted in you being incapacitated, an occurrence that is to be expected at some point by every commanding officer, you have always discharged your duty successfully." He pauses, then adds "Furthermore, I should point out that Vulcans are not in the habit of hitting any kind of flora."
Kirk doesn't show any reaction to the last statement, "So you're saying I'm not illogical?"
"On the contrary, I believe your decision not to inform anybody of your state was highly illogical. I am merely stating that you were the only one who suffered its detrimental effects."
"Oh, good! I'm illogical and masochistic! Hadn't heard that one in a while."
"The doctor and I have surmised that the only way for you to receive the care you require is to disembark at the next Starbase." Spock says trying to stir the conversation to what he actually wants to discuss.
"What?" Kirk jumps up from his bed and starts pacing "No! No way. Spock! One minute you're being all understanding and the next you want to throw me off the ship? I thought we were past this!"
There is a subtle note of hurt in his voice that doesn't escape Spock and makes him hasten to explain, "We also expected you to react this way. That is why I proposed an alternative solution to which the doctor has tentatively agreed."
Kirk stops in his tracks and gives him a suspicious look, "What's that?"
"As the only other telepathic being on the ship, I volunteered to assist you in your healing process."
His declaration is followed by stunned silence and Kirk gaping at him. Then his Captain's shoulders sag "Spock, it all started with Vulcan. I don't think it's fair to ask you this."
"You are not asking, I am offering."
"I can't believe you'd do that for me." Kirk rubs a hand on the back of his neck.
"To coin a phrase, Captain, I thought we were past this." Spock replies with a pointed look.
He is rewarded with Kirk's first genuine smile in days, "I like it when you're snarky."
Spock lets the comment pass, intent on convincing Jim to actually accept his help, "You were attempting meditation when I entered, correct?"
Kirk nods, going back to sitting on the bed "I was, but I can never hold it for long."
"I believe I can be of assistance. If you agree to a mind meld I am confident I can aid you in rebuilding your shields, which in turn will help you achieve meditation."
"Spock, I appreciate your offer, I really do, but I don't think that's a good idea. Last time was bad enough."
"Last time, Captain?"
"Yeah, your older counterpart melded with me to give me all the information I needed as fast as possible when I was on Delta Vega. It was intense and I wasn't either prepared or stable." He runs a hand on his face "I had never had that kind of telepathic contact with anyone outside my family."
Spock blanches "He forced it on you in your distressed state?"
Kirk's eyes widen "No, no! It wasn't like that, he asked but I wasn't familiar with it, while it was obvious that he was completely comfortable with me. He must have done it with my alternate self I guess, so he didn't really wait for an answer. I'm not angry at him, it was necessary and he couldn't have known the state I was in. He wasn't intrusive, the meld was pretty shallow but the emotional transference was… too much, Spock. I think I blacked out for a second."
"Captain," Spock pauses, searching for the right approach "when you collapsed and Doctor McCoy ascertained that your abilities were the cause, I performed a mind meld to bring you back to consciousness. I regret that I was unable to seek your permission at the time, did you find the meld distressing?" he asks and Kirk notices an edge of unease.
"It was you?" he asks unable to contain his awe.
"Yes."
Kirk closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, recalling the sensation of being cradled and coveted like the most precious thing in existence. He's been going back to that feeling and focusing on it all day, trying to center himself using the memory.
"It wasn't distressing at all." He says with feeling "It was…" perfect, the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life "I had never felt anything like it. I didn't realize it was you."
Spock nods, feeling illogically proud and relieved.
"I should have known." Kirk adds, surprising Spock.
"It is reasonable that you did not, as we had never engaged in telepathic contact before," his muscles tense a bit thinking of his older self "and you were severely compromised."
"Yeah, but" Kirk huffs a laugh without humor, looking everywhere but at Spock "this is going to sound ridiculous, but you're pretty much the only thing that kept me sane these past three months."
It doesn't sound ridiculous to Spock, who is filled with warmth at the words.
"While I am pleased I could be of assistance, I cannot imagine how it was possible as I was unaware of the circumstances."
"You do realize you're the only one on this ship besides me who actively shields, right?" Kirk asks with a small smile and Spock is momentarily floored by the simplicity of it. "You have no idea what a relief it was for me every time we were alone in a room. Actually even if there was someone else, I could sort of focus on you and keep a clear head." His eyes widen then and his expression is close to horrified, as a realization seems to dawn on him.
The sudden shift alarms Spock "Captain?"
Kirk looks back at him "Spock, I'm sorry! I hadn't really thought about it and it must sound awful, like I've been using you, but I swear it wasn't like that."
"That is illogical, Captain. You did nothing wrong and therefore have no reason to apologize. I am pleased that I was able to offer a respite from chaos, even if I was not conscious of it."
"Thank you" Kirk says, his voice intense in a way Spock has never heard it. "For shielding," he grins there "for bringing me back and offering your help."
"My offer still stands, Jim." Spock tells him and Kirk's smile widens at the use of his name.
Kirk takes a breath, as if preparing himself. "I'd like to try." He says at last.
Spock joins his Captain on the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of him, their knees almost touching. He asks for permission even if they've already agreed and Kirk smiles at him nodding.
"My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts."
Everything is different now that his Captain is conscious. His mind is so alive and bright and vibrating with energy that Spock almost forgets what he's supposed to do for a second. The contrast is startling in a most pleasing manner. Spock quickly regains himself and begins his exploration.
Kirk's relief at Spock's gentle touch is met by Spock's joy at being able to provide it. Somehow Spock is able to soothe the wounds he finds in his mind and Jim marvels at it, he had almost forgotten how it felt not being constantly in pain, how it felt to be whole. It will be a long way before he's actually whole again, but he's been suffering alone for so long now, that the difference is already palpable.
Spock still feels like water, but this time Jim's not destroyed, he's nurtured by it. His mind thrums with a new strength as if Spock's breathing life in him again. Jim welcomes it and feels like he's regaining shape, he knows where his boundaries are again and he could shield from the world if he tried. He doesn't now because he doesn't want to let go of Spock. He feels safe. So instead he holds onto him and Spock lets him.
When they pull back Kirk's eyes are shining with unguarded amazement and Spock's breath catches at the intense gaze directed at him. Soon though Kirk averts his eyes and when he looks back at Spock he has regained his composure. It makes Spock wish Kirk would be unguarded with him all the time.
"You are still…" Spock starts but cuts himself off.
"Fragile?" Kirk asks tilting his head "You can say it, my ego has survived worse." He assures him grinning with real humor.
Spock lifts an eyebrow, but nods.
"I know, I'll keep working on it."
"Perhaps we could meditate together, I would gladly assist you in your progress."
"Really? I'd like that. I used to meditate with my brother when I was a kid. It's been so long now. Are you sure it wouldn't bother you?"
"Vulcans engage in joint meditation with members of their family. It would be beneficial for me too. Your mental presence does not bother me at all." Quite the contrary, he thinks to himself.
Kirk clears his throat awkwardly, "Okay, then. Maybe tomorrow after shift?"
"That would be acceptable." He stands up and looks Kirk over for a moment, his gaze fixing on the dark shadows under his eyes "Captain, am I correct in assuming that you have not been sleeping well?"
"I do sleep, just never for long. Most nights I have nightmares… it all comes back when I'm sleeping, you know? Sometimes a headache will build up while I'm asleep because I can't shield properly, and the pain wakes me up. It will pass once I manage to shield again." He shrugs like it doesn't really matter.
"Vulcans have ways to induce restful sleep, you would not remember dreaming."
"Should I count sehlats?" he grins up at Spock, who proceeds to ignore his human habit of joking.
"No, Captain. It will simply require me to briefly touch your mind once you are ready to rest. If you allow me."
"Go ahead, Spock. I'm beat even if I've been doing nothing all day."
Kirk lies down in his bed and pulls up the covers. It's silly but he feels suddenly embarrassed in doing such a simple gesture in front of his First Officer, because it's a symbol of how much more familiar and intimate they've become tonight. The thought makes him feel raw and exposed. He tries to swallow down the lump that has formed in his throat and tells himself the hurt and stress of these past months are finally getting to him.
Spock stands next to the bed and stretches a hand to Kirk's forehead when he's settled but Jim stops him, curling his fingers around Spock's wrist.
"Thanks, Spock. You're a real friend." Then he closes his eyes and lets Spock press two fingers to his psi points, murmuring softly in Vulcan.
Kirk falls asleep instantly and Spock stands there, reluctant to leave even if he knows his Captain is safe now. He takes a moment to observe the Human and think about the trust Kirk has granted him, more and more since the Narada mission and culminating in what they shared tonight. He discovers in himself a fierce desire not to disappoint him.
~o~
Next Part
Universe/Series: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: PG-13
Relationship status: First Time
Word count: 16391
Genre: hurt/comfort, romance, slight AU (only as far as Kirk's genetical make-up)
Summary: Written for this prompt at the st_xi_kink_meme. Kirk is part Betazoid, he doesn't advertise it because it doesn't define him, but after feeling the terror and the psychic scream from the destruction of Vulcan he starts to break down. He can't block anything anymore and it almost kills him. Spock intervenes.
A/N: This is only my third attempt at K/S, I hope it's decent. Also, this fic was meant to be read in oneshot format but I had to split it in two due to word limit.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters/plot/etc. from Star Trek, and I'm not making any profit out of this story.
It's like a tsunami. A monumental wave approaching. He can feel it, he knows it's coming but he's powerless. He can't stop it.
He's still reeling from the adrenaline of the space jump, trying to catch his breath when he's hit by this unstoppable wave of feelings and he's not even sure he's breathing anymore. For all his training, his shields don't stand a chance and crumble under the force of billions of voices screaming in terror. It's deafening and he's sure he's going to break, he can't possibly contain all that fear.
Their pain and loss hit him in his chest like a brick wall. It mounts and crashes into him until he feels as if he's being obliterated by it. He takes his last breath - billions of them - and it catches as something seems to snap…
…and all is silent.
~o~
He's still panting hard when Spock reappears on the transporter pad, hand outstretched toward his absent mother. For a brief moment all Jim can feel is a hole inside him, where there was unimaginable pain and then silence now there's nothing, just emptiness. It's eating at him like a black hole. He feels sharp pangs of loss, grief and denial, guilt and regret coming from those around him before they're swallowed in the darkness.
He tries to breathe but the darkness sucks it all in.
~o~
He's running in the snow. Falling and running from a monster that wants to make him his dinner but can't run from the monster that's eating him from the inside.
Fire.
He's safe.
"How did you find me?"
Surprise coming from the stranger who acts like they know each other. Joy, affection, protectiveness, sorrow. He tries to block them out but to no avail. He focuses on listening to the Vulcan.
"I have been and always shall be your friend."
As it turns out a mind meld is the last thing he needs right now. More feelings and he is defenseless.
"Emotional transference is a side effect."
Guilt and grief wash over him like water on sand, loosening and erasing the boundaries of his mind. He feels small and lost, he can't see the beginning and can't reach the end.
He has nothing to hold on to.
"You have to go back to the Enterprise."
He has a mission and he needs to focus on that.
~o~
He's yelling at Spock trying to make him show what Jim knows he's feeling. Spock's pain is so acute that it feels like torture and his anger reverberates through Jim leaving him dizzy. He can't even fight back when Spock attacks him.
He sits in the captain's chair and takes a breath.
For a second he thinks he's in no better shape than Spock.
~o~
On the first day of their five-year mission Spock can admit to experiencing anticipation before entering the bridge. Captain James Tiberius Kirk welcomes him aboard with a soft smile that strikes Spock for his openness and through his telepathy he can perceive the sincere joy the Captain feels and senses in him the same anticipation. He can't help but being warmed and reassured by it.
When Kirk gives his order to ship out he turns to Spock, who meets his gaze and nods. This wordless understanding echoes what they had during the Narada mission, as soon as they actually started working together. This is why Spock came back. He has never been so instantly in tune with someone and it feels right.
Their first shift passes smoothly and uneventfully, every crewmember nonetheless busy with the many tasks a starship of their caliber requires. As soon as the beta crew arrives the Captain slips into the turbolift, saying something about checking personally with the heads of the various departments. Spock follows him swiftly, offering to accompany him as it is only logical for him to familiarize himself with all personnel. The Captain nods his approval and Spock notices he is more relaxed while they're in the turbolift together. Surely Kirk is feeling the pressure of his many responsibilities and that accounts for his tense state, Spock considers it a sign that he is taking his job very seriously and thinks it will ease once he gains more experience.
The feeling of anticipation doesn't leave him even when he departs from his Captain, who excuses himself to retire to his quarters. Logically he knows it will take time to ascertain if his counterpart's words will hold true in this reality and Spock is adept at waiting. He has been practicing his whole life, waiting for that kind of acceptance that never came from anybody but his mother. He will wait some more.
~o~
Kirk is sitting in his chair on the bridge, he glances back at Spock who nods and he feels reassured. It's like a reverse radar, instead of the points of action - so much noise, so many emotions pushing against the nonexistent boundaries of his mind - he needs to find that one point of silence. The only calm in this swirling chaos that invades his mind.
He can do this, he only needs some time to get a grip on it and he will control it again. He has to focus. That will keep him going.
He rushes away from the bridge as soon as he can, trying to busy himself until it's reasonable for him to hide in his quarters and fall on his bed gripping his head. It hurts so much he has tears in his eyes and can't help the pained sound that escapes his gritted teeth.
If he asks Bones for an inhibitor the doctor will be onto him in a second, poking and prodding, so that's out of the question. His only chance is to meditate all those feelings and thoughts away to ease his pain at the source.
Too bad that hasn't worked for him since the destruction of Vulcan.
Still, he has to keep trying. He folds himself in the lotus position and starts taking deep breaths, shifting his focus internally and away from the pain. Except his mind is filled with it and he can't escape. His meditation doesn't hold for long but he doesn't give up and after a couple hours he has managed to lessen his headache, finally falling back on the bed and into sleep filled with echoes of crying voices.
~o~
During their first senior staff meeting on board the Enterprise Spock sits on his Captain's right and watches the crew file into the conference room. They greet each other cordially and begin to sit, some stopping to introduce themselves to those they are not yet familiar with. Spock notices Kirk flinching and shooting a glance at Lieutenant Commander Scott who is shaking Lieutenant Uhura's hand. Then Spock distinctly hears his Captain think "That's something I really didn't need to know!" and he has to control himself not to show his surprise. He is used to perceiving humans' fleeting thoughts and feelings when in close proximity to them, but not when he is shielding as strongly as he is now.
However he doesn't have time to ponder the possible implications, as his Captain calls for the room's attention and starts briefing everyone on the details of their first mission.
At the end of the meeting Doctor McCoy lingers in the room to inquire after the Captain's health. Spock thinks that perhaps he noticed Kirk's tense demeanor too. The Captain quickly musters up a smile and admits to a light headache, nothing a good night sleep won't cure. McCoy seems satisfied at the explanation and Spock doesn't say anything, he doesn't know his Captain well enough to have an opinion yet.
~o~
Four days into their five-year mission Spock requests entrance to the Captain's quarters for a brief report and finds him sitting cross-legged on his bed wearing comfortable clothes. He has a couple pads in front of him but must have turned them off when Spock entered. Spock notices something else, an object on a shelf not far from the bed, but refrains from mentioning it instead proceeding to discuss ship's business.
"Is that all, Commander?" Kirk asks when Spock seems to be done.
"Yes, Captain." He pauses, "May I ask a personal query?"
"Sure." Kirk looks curious.
"Would you be amenable to a game of chess?" he glances at the board sitting on Kirk's shelf as if to silently explain his question.
Kirk looks surprised from Spock to the board and back, "Absolutely! Do you have time now?"
Spock nods "I am currently off duty."
Kirk smiles and gestures to his desk "Have a seat then."
That night Kirk loses three games but Spock observes him smiling and generally being more relaxed than he has seen him on shift during these first days. Spock cannot help being pleased and decides to make their games a regular occurrence in the future. Even though he lost, the Captain has proved to be an engaging opponent.
~o~
At the end of their first diplomatic mission Spock is in the transporter room with the Captain and Lieutenant Uhura attending the departure of their guests, three representatives of the Reelan people.
The Captain flushes a deep red at the greeting words of the Reelan leader, a humanoid with long white hair and amber eyes that seem to burn.
"We would be honored by your presence to our joining festivities, Captain. Are you certain you cannot attend?"
Kirk represses a shiver and says "Thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately my duties demand that we depart immediately. It's been an honor meeting with your people." He executes a perfect bow in the Reelan style and the party is finally beamed back to their planet.
Uhura glances at Kirk "That must have been the hardest thing you've ever done."
Kirk turns to her with a smirk and raised eyebrows. "No pun intended, sir." She adds grinning. Kirk throws his head back and laughs.
"Since when is 'joining festivities' code for three-day orgy anyway?" he asks bemused, "I totally grew up on the wrong planet!" he groans, making Uhura laugh too.
"They weren't that hot though." She says while they exit the room, Uhura and Spock on either side of Kirk.
Kirk makes a face "Yeah, the ears were really putting me off."
Uhura nods "Too hairy."
Spock just walks along, amused at the exchange without showing it. It is the first time he has heard his Captain laugh so freely.
For a while it will also be the last.
~o~
Every night Kirk wakes up sweating from nightmares populated by figures screaming in agony. Migraines become his constant companions and he finds almost no relief in meditation. When he can't sleep he works out in the gym, mindless of the hour, trying to bring his body to a level of exhaustion that will force him to sleep. The rest of the time he focuses on his job, the only thing that keeps him from giving up entirely.
He can feel Spock's eyes on him, the Vulcan is always by his side and Kirk knows he notices everything. Every time he slips and flinch for a particular strong wave of emotion, every time he tenses in pain, every time he seems to know exactly what those around him are thinking or feeling. Those are the times he gets the most curious glances from Spock, and he wonders if the Vulcan knows, or if he's starting to piece the puzzle together. Kirk knows Spock is a telepath too but has no idea how much he can surmise without touch and he's being very careful with that.
Sometimes he gets the urge to just tell Spock everything. When they're alone working on paperwork or playing chess and they stop to just talk of everything and nothing, in those moments Jim finds he can still smile and has to bite his tongue not to just tell him. It's starting to feel more and more like they're friends and surely Spock would understand better than anybody else, but he can't bring himself to do it.
Tomorrow will be better, he thinks every day. It never is.
~o~
It was supposed to be an easy mission. Meet with the locals, play nice, secure a trading contract for their dilithium and see if they would like to officially join the Federation now that they've reached warp.
Of course Starfleet's info on the planet is not up to date because they've admittedly had bigger fish to fry, so Kirk figures he should cut them some slack. He finds it hard though when he beams down in the middle of a civil war and two of his security officers are killed on sight, while the third one starts stunning every being they come across. Spock and Kirk draw their phasers too and suddenly it's all too clear why they couldn't contact anyone on the planet, communications must have been the first thing disabled when hell broke loose. Luckily they have a check-in with the Enterprise in an hour with orders to beam them back if communications are still impossible. All they have to do now is survive until then.
They start running towards the periphery of the city they beamed to, covering every time they can and praying their phasers don't run out of charge. They've almost made it to the edge of the city when it starts raining, making it almost impossible to spot threats before they're too close. Spock suggests they hide in the forest that spreads on the north-east and they're almost there when Spock is hit and falls down in the mud. Kirk and the remaining security officer - Lieutenant Yuki - manage to stun the assailant and his companions before Kirk runs back to Spock, who has been hit on his thigh and is bleeding too much for Jim's liking. He helps the Vulcan up and drapes Spock's arm on his shoulder so that he can lean on Kirk to walk. They have to slow down now and Lieutenant Yuki has to play backup for them on her own but they finally reach the forest. They keep walking into it for a little while or they won't be hidden at all but soon Kirk stops, too worried for his Vulcan First Officer who is trembling against him. He helps Spock to a sitting position, back propped up against a tree while Yuki stands guard. They're all soaked to their bones.
"How long until the Enterprise beams us back, Spock?" Kirk asks, taking off his gold shirt and moving closer to Spock.
"Approximately 27 minutes, Captain."
"Okay. I have to stop the bleeding now." He warns before starting to wrap his shirt around Spock's thigh as tightly as possible. "You're going to be fine." He tells Spock with that finality in his tone that Spock is familiar with now, the one that states illogical and improbable outcomes that somehow always come true. Spock just looks at him.
"Yuki, are you injured?"
"No, sir."
"Good. We should be getting out of here soon. You've got a killer aim by the way." He praises and Spock mentally approves. "You did great today."
"Thank you, sir." She musters a small smile then resumes watching out for eventual enemies.
Spock is still watching Kirk so he notices immediately when Kirk frowns and turns his head sharply to their uncovered side. He closes his eyes then opens them and shoots three times with his phaser. Yuki whips around at the sound of phaser fire. Spock hears distant thuds, like bodies falling to the ground.
"Captain?" she whispers.
"I think I hit them all." He says like nothing out of the ordinary has just happened.
"How did you locate them?" Spock asks, some of his surprise probably audible in his tone.
"I heard a noise, it couldn't be any of us so I fired." He shrugs.
Spock cannot help but think that three perfect shots in a dark forest while it rains are a stretch even for his surprisingly resourceful Captain.
"I did not hear anything."
"I'm afraid the bleeding has distracted you, Spock." Kirk replies with a pained smile.
There is something Kirk is not telling him and Spock is determinate to find out what it is.
Later, after Spock has been released from Sickbay he joins his Captain in his quarters intending to ask him about the events that occurred planet side, and the many other small things Spock has noticed during these months. Kirk is writing communications to the families of the deceased when he suddenly stops, covering his eyes with one hand, not saying anything for a couple minutes. Spock knows these are the first casualties to happen under his command and doesn't have it in him to question Kirk anymore. Instead he just sits closer and when Jim, sensing the movement, instinctively leans a bit into his shoulder Spock doesn't move back.
~o~
2 months, 3 weeks, 5 days and 17 hours since the start of their five-year mission is how long it takes Spock to find out the truth.
It's too late.
~o~
It doesn't bode well for them since the beginning. They're supposed to retrieve a team of scientists from the planet Psi2000 and they find them all inexplicably dead. They have to proceed anyway and record data of the planet collapsing onto itself, which is really the last thing any of them wants to see even if this time it's a natural occurrence and there are no people dying with it. Everybody is tense, almost vibrating with it, and Kirk is slowly going mad just sitting on the bridge with nothing to do but watch a dying planet, all the while bombarded with his crew's unease and voices screaming in his mind, replaying different events.
The distraction comes in a form he wouldn't have chosen, an unknown virus brought aboard by the careless science officer that accompanied Spock on the planet. The man dies seemingly without cause but not before having spread the contagion to the bridge crew and who knows how many more.
While Spock goes around neck pinching everyone who acts out of the ordinary - like Sulu who apparently thinks he's D'Artagnan - and maybe even enjoying it a little, Kirk thinks with a rueful smile, he has to help Scotty take back the engine room where Chekov has barricaded himself and is delighting everyone with his dubious musical talent.
What they find when they finally get it back is even more troubling. Chekov has turned off the engines and it would take thirty minutes to restart them when they barely have eight. Kirk runs off in search of Spock, who will be able to work the matter-antimatter implosion necessary for a cold-restart without blowing them up, or they will be sucked into the atmosphere of Psi2000 and die anyway.
He finds Spock sitting in a conference room, head buried in his arms mumbling to himself. Kirk is immediately hit by all the conflicting emotions warring inside Spock and it takes his breath away, making him stumble and lean onto a wall.
"I never told her I loved her. She will never know. I will never see her again."
Grief, sorrow, regret, love, guilt. It's too much. It's the last straw.
"Not you too, Spock. Don't do this to me." Even speaking is too much of an effort under the pressure of all that Spock is feeling. "I need you to restart the engines even if they're cold. We have to try or we'll die with this planet. Spock, focus on that! Go now!" He urges through gritted teeth before he's completely shattered and collapses to the ground, falling into the black emptiness that has been waiting for him.
Spock is shocked out of his momentary lapse of control by his Captain's loss of consciousness. He does not touch him to avoid infecting him, but alerts McCoy to the Captain's status and location and is in turn informed that the doctor has found a cure and is administering it to the crew with M'Benga's help.
Spock then runs to the engine room to follow his Captain's orders. The result of the successful cold-start is fascinating, they travel three days back in time. Spock is sure the data they collected will be discussed for decades in the scientific community but right now he has more pressing matters to attend to, he orders the Enterprise on course to their next mission and goes to Sickbay to personally inquire on the Captain's status.
~o~
"This can't be right! He's convulsing and this damn thing says he's in a coma!" McCoy growls fiddling with the controls of the biobed Kirk is lying on. The doctor is still trying to restrain Jim's body and calling for M'Benga to come help.
"Doctor!" Chapel tries unsuccessfully to gain his attention, while restraining the Captain on the other side of the bed "LEONARD! Calm yourself or you'll make it worse!"
Spock, who is watching the scene without disturbing, is perplexed by her statement. The doctor is known for being vociferous while executing his job steadily and efficiently, even Spock is somehow beginning to get used to it, though he can't say he appreciates it. McCoy freezes at the words though, still gripping the Captain's arm who's convulsing horribly, but he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before injecting Kirk with something.
"Thank you, Christine." His voice is level and devoid of the usual grumble that seems to underline everything he says. Spock isn't even sure he recognizes the man but has no time to consider it because his eyes instantly go back to the Captain, his convulsions are finally subsiding.
M'Benga enters the room, cool and collected, a tricorder in hand with which he immediately starts scanning Kirk. He shakes his head "There's nothing wrong with the readings, he's in a coma." Spock feels something cold drop in his stomach at the words.
"Let me see" McCoy turns to study the readings taken by the biobed and confront them, "It still doesn't make any sense, look at these spikes in his brainwaves."
"He's in pain" M'Benga says, then frowns "but he's not hurt."
"Not physically." notes McCoy.
"You think he's been affected by the virus?" Chapel ventures.
"He didn't show any symptoms, did he Spock?" M'Benga asks.
"The Captain left the bridge without coming into contact with anyone, but he seemed distressed. When he found me again he was clearly in pain and then he lost consciousness."
"It doesn't fit with the virus. What kind of pain?"
"He didn't elaborate but he has had headaches on multiple occasions lately." Spock offers.
"What? Why didn't he come to me? Why didn't you tell me? Don't answer." McCoy pauses "What I meant before is that I think the virus messed him up indirectly. I think this is backlash for all the rampant emotions on board."
"But he should have been able to shield." Chapel objects.
"Apparently not. And I've never had a case like this, it's like he's stuck in a pattern of pain," he points to the readings "see how they recur? It's like a loop, but how do I break him out of it? I've never seen anything like this in any Betazoid I've treated!"
"He can't sustain that much pain for much longer." M'Benga observes, studying the readings.
McCoy huffs "That's why I need ideas!"
Spock takes a step toward McCoy "Doctor, the Captain is Betazoid?"
McCoy looks at him with a manic expression "Only part Betazoid, not to mention he was born in space so God knows the radiation he got and what it did to him!" he turns back to M'Benga "Why is he reacting like this? Couldn't he be normal for once and lash out like any other Betazoid I've ever met?"
"Doctor, perhaps I can attempt a mind meld to discern the cause of the Captain's state." Spock intervenes.
"Vulcan voodoo, really?" McCoy explodes at the same time as M'Benga says "Spock, I'm not sure it would be safe for you, we don't know anything for sure."
"Are there other viable options?" Spock asks with a raised eyebrow.
McCoy reluctantly shakes his head, "Fine, do it. But I'm going to monitor you too. Be careful, don't hurt him more." He pauses, "And bring him back" he says with a meaningful look.
Spock is falling and falling, everything is dark around him and he's alone. There's nothing he can hold on to, no feeling, no thought, just darkness. His fall seems to last endlessly and he realizes with fear that he has no way to determine how long it is, no way to stop it.
Suddenly he's blinded by light, he closes his eyes then opens them slowly, carefully. He's standing on sand and that is all there is, only a seemingly infinite flat expanse of sand everywhere he looks. There's no horizon, nothing in sight in the far distance not even something resembling a sky, where one would expect the mind to produce the image. Looking up all he can see is white lifeless emptiness. It's daunting and oppressive and Spock feels chilled by this deserted landscape.
He can't feel his Captain's presence.
McCoy stares at Spock's readings, "He's stabilizing now. What the hell is he doing that got his heart going that fast?"
M'Benga shrugs, they have no way of knowing.
"Is there any way to break him out of it if it all goes to hell?" McCoy asks.
"Not without a skilled telepath and I wouldn't bet on it anyway."
"We've already used up all our telepaths."
"I could try slapping him in the face" M'Benga mimics the gesture.
McCoy would laugh if he weren't so worried, "Not that I wouldn't enjoy seeing that but would it really work?"
"It's worth a shot."
"Captain?"
Spock tries calling him.
"Jim?"
Nothing changes around him.
Spock kneels down on the sand and spreads a hand on it, he closes his eyes. The sand is cold. He tries to will it to change, to take him to his Captain but nothing happens.
What is he doing? He is not a trained healer, he has never attempted anything like this, he will fail. He will not find him and will lose himself trying. It's illogical.
A hot feeling courses through him. Even if he will lose himself it is still worth an attempt, his Captain needs him and Spock wants him back.
The sand under his palm warms briefly at that thought. Spock's eyes flash open, startled. Nothing has changed. Perhaps strong emotions can elicit a response. But the Captain was suffering already from all the feelings he was exposed to. What if he caused him even more pain?
Spock has barely admitted to himself that he's allowed to have emotions and here he is trying to determine the right ones to find his Captain. He is sure Kirk would laugh at the irony.
The sand trembles suddenly.
Not just emotions maybe, but those connected to the Captain. He thinks of the first time he entered the bridge and Kirk's smile, friendly and welcoming. He thinks of his words, of Kirk guarding his back on the Narada, honor and trust. He thinks of his Captain not leaving his side when he got hurt, and suddenly there's a ripple in the white emptiness and he can see his memory replaying in front of his eyes, Kirk stunning those who threaten them and he feels a fierce loyalty. The sand starts to tremble visibly, it moves all around him like an earthquake. Spock concentrates on the friendship they're building and how he wants it back.
He's engulfed in a soft warm glow and at first he can't see the source, then a small globe of light enters his line of vision, floating in front of him like a small star. It pulses with life and seems to get stronger and brighter while Spock watches it. The light dives down and crashes into the sands making everything explode and disappear.
Spock is engulfed in darkness once again but this time punctuated with stars and Spock can finally feel his Captain's presence. It's feeble and Spock can feel his agony, the pain that caused him to retreat so far from Spock's reach. He follows that trace and reaches for Jim, wrapping around him to shield him from the pain and pull him back to the surface. He doesn't know if Jim realizes Spock is there with him but when he feels relief pouring out of him he knows his efforts are working. Carefully, he guides them both back to consciousness, releasing the meld.
Spock falls on a chair that had been put near him, blinking against the harsh lights of Sickbay.
"Good god, man! You've been at it for almost an hour! I thought we had lost you both!" there's raw relief in McCoy's voice.
Luckily Spock doesn't have to answer because Jim moans in pain rolling on his side, his back to Spock. He squints up at the doctor, "Bones?" he croaks.
"You idiot!"
"Shh, Bones. Hurts." He brings his hands to his face.
"What, Jim? What hurts?"
"Everything. Head. Make it stop."
"I can give you something for the headache. But I need to check you out first, you were in a coma, you damn fool! What did you do to yourself? Are you shielding at all?"
"Can't. Everything's gone." He grimaces. "So much pain."
McCoy glances at Spock, a scared look in his eyes "I need to give him something for the pain, he's incoherent."
After having been in Jim's mind Spock is not so sure that's an accurate assessment.
~o~
"He's resting, finally. I gave him an inhibitor, he should be able to sleep that way." McCoy informs Spock as he enters his office where the Vulcan has been waiting for him. The doctor sits in his chair with a weary sigh and scrubs a hand on his face. "The way he says it, he's been like this since the destruction of Vulcan." He says slowly.
"He has experienced it telepathically."
"And empathically, let's not forget about that 'cause that's the kicker. I'd rather not tell you this, but I'm sure you'd just bug me until I did anyway, so." He takes a deep breath, "Jim has felt everything all those people felt in their last moments."
Spock is silent.
McCoy fills the silence, "And the idiot didn't tell me! He says he hasn't been able to shield anything since then. Three months, Spock! What the hell am I going to do to help him?"
"Did the Captain say if he had consulted with a healer?"
"No, he didn't. That's not how Jim works. He never tells anybody that he's part Betazoid. I only know because I'm his doctor, besides me only M'Benga and Chapel know because I need backup and at least one nurse who knows what the hell she's dealing with. I don't think he's ever seen a healer, as far as I know his mother saw to his training and that was it."
"That is illogical and could have been detrimental to the Captain's health."
"And that surprises you?" McCoy asks sarcastically. "We're talking about Jim here, he's not exactly the most logical tool in the box."
"Vulcans do not feel surprise, Doctor." Spock replies stiffly.
"Sure. Is that why your eyes bulged out when you found out he's part Betazoid?" He waves a hand in front of him to ward off any retort. "We need to find someone who can help him. That's our priority now."
"Diverting our course to Betazed is impossible at this juncture."
"Which is good 'cause Jim doesn't know anybody there, and I doubt Starfleet would appreciate the publicity that would inevitably come out of going through the official channels."
Spock nods, "Then the Captain will have to take a temporary leave and see to his health through Starfleet's health program."
"So we should just drop him off at the next Starbase? He'll never go with that! And you've already seen for yourself how well marooning him works! He'll find his way back every time, like a damn boomerang." He makes a wild gesture that Spock imagines is supposed to mimic the object he's referring to.
Spock raises an eyebrow at McCoy, glaring slightly, "As I am now more familiar with the Captain, I believe you are correct."
McCoy scowls back but refrains from commenting.
Having exhausted all logical solutions, only one remains and Spock has been thinking about it since he found Jim. "Perhaps I could offer the Captain my assistance."
"Isn't it dangerous for you too? It didn't look like a piece of cake to me while you were connected to him."
"Those were extenuating circumstances. With the Captain as a conscious participant any risk would be less significant."
"But you're not a healer." McCoy objects, extremely reluctant to just hand over the care of Jim's health.
"That is true, but all Vulcans are trained to see to both their physical and mental health. While I am not familiar with Betazoid training I believe it is safe to assume a certain degree of similarities. I will need to speak with the Captain concerning this possibility before we can consider the matter settled."
"Right, you do that. It's not like we have any other options really."
~o~
Since McCoy has put the Captain on mandatory sick leave for twenty-four hours (to Jim's undignified annoyance) Spock has to justify with the crew their Captain's absence, stating that the Captain is in acceptable health, but is forbidden to receive visitors because he is recuperating from what could be considered a telepathic attack. Some of the senior officers look even more worried then, but seem mollified after Spock adds that Kirk has been extremely loud in expressing his displeasure at being confined in his quarters.
Nonetheless Spock finds himself cornered by Nyota as soon as their shift is over.
"Is he really ok?" she asks with a slightly worried look. Spock is not surprised, he's not the only one who has had to revise his opinion on James Kirk during the last three months.
"I did not lie to the crew as you seem to imply." He says in his best emotionless tone.
"I didn't mean that, it's just that a telepathic attack sounds bad."
"It was," he admits "but the Captain is very strong." After only a glimpse of Kirk's sufferance Spock is still wondering how he even survived this long.
Uhura nods, "Did you see him?"
"Yes, I assisted him during the most troubling part through a mind meld. I am not at liberty to discuss the details, Nyota. It would be a breach of the Captain's privacy."
She waves a hand in front of herself "That's okay, I understand. I'll help you reassuring everybody. Did you see the look on Chekov's face? Like they kicked his favorite puppy." She smiles, "That's some hero worship he's got going. Anyway, he'll be back tomorrow, right?"
"If he recuperates satisfactorily, yes."
"Are you going to help him?"
"I will endeavor to do so, with his permission."
"Then I'm sure he'll be fine." She smiles again and leaves.
~o~
Spock visits the Captain as soon as he has attended to the rest of his duties. Kirk is of course still in his quarters and Spock finds him sitting cross-legged on his bed, wearing grey sweats and a white t-shirt. It suddenly occurs to him that this is not the first time he has found his Captain in such a position, and only now he recognizes it as an attempt at meditation.
"Hey, Spock." The Captain smiles faintly "If you're here to relieve me of command I understand." He's had all day to prepare himself and not come off like even more of an ass to his First Officer, whose opinion of him must have hit a new low after the recent events.
"Lieutenant Sulu currently has the conn, Captain." Spock says helplessly not having foreseen this line of conversation.
"Come on, don't beat around the bush. You're here to tell me I was compromised and illogical. Look, I thought I just needed time to get it back under control. I couldn't imagine I'd end up collapsing three months after the fact."
"I confess I am not sure whether you qualify as compromised. You have been working efficiently, always taking into consideration your subordinates' input and nobody was negatively affected by your state. With the exception of our last mission which resulted in you being incapacitated, an occurrence that is to be expected at some point by every commanding officer, you have always discharged your duty successfully." He pauses, then adds "Furthermore, I should point out that Vulcans are not in the habit of hitting any kind of flora."
Kirk doesn't show any reaction to the last statement, "So you're saying I'm not illogical?"
"On the contrary, I believe your decision not to inform anybody of your state was highly illogical. I am merely stating that you were the only one who suffered its detrimental effects."
"Oh, good! I'm illogical and masochistic! Hadn't heard that one in a while."
"The doctor and I have surmised that the only way for you to receive the care you require is to disembark at the next Starbase." Spock says trying to stir the conversation to what he actually wants to discuss.
"What?" Kirk jumps up from his bed and starts pacing "No! No way. Spock! One minute you're being all understanding and the next you want to throw me off the ship? I thought we were past this!"
There is a subtle note of hurt in his voice that doesn't escape Spock and makes him hasten to explain, "We also expected you to react this way. That is why I proposed an alternative solution to which the doctor has tentatively agreed."
Kirk stops in his tracks and gives him a suspicious look, "What's that?"
"As the only other telepathic being on the ship, I volunteered to assist you in your healing process."
His declaration is followed by stunned silence and Kirk gaping at him. Then his Captain's shoulders sag "Spock, it all started with Vulcan. I don't think it's fair to ask you this."
"You are not asking, I am offering."
"I can't believe you'd do that for me." Kirk rubs a hand on the back of his neck.
"To coin a phrase, Captain, I thought we were past this." Spock replies with a pointed look.
He is rewarded with Kirk's first genuine smile in days, "I like it when you're snarky."
Spock lets the comment pass, intent on convincing Jim to actually accept his help, "You were attempting meditation when I entered, correct?"
Kirk nods, going back to sitting on the bed "I was, but I can never hold it for long."
"I believe I can be of assistance. If you agree to a mind meld I am confident I can aid you in rebuilding your shields, which in turn will help you achieve meditation."
"Spock, I appreciate your offer, I really do, but I don't think that's a good idea. Last time was bad enough."
"Last time, Captain?"
"Yeah, your older counterpart melded with me to give me all the information I needed as fast as possible when I was on Delta Vega. It was intense and I wasn't either prepared or stable." He runs a hand on his face "I had never had that kind of telepathic contact with anyone outside my family."
Spock blanches "He forced it on you in your distressed state?"
Kirk's eyes widen "No, no! It wasn't like that, he asked but I wasn't familiar with it, while it was obvious that he was completely comfortable with me. He must have done it with my alternate self I guess, so he didn't really wait for an answer. I'm not angry at him, it was necessary and he couldn't have known the state I was in. He wasn't intrusive, the meld was pretty shallow but the emotional transference was… too much, Spock. I think I blacked out for a second."
"Captain," Spock pauses, searching for the right approach "when you collapsed and Doctor McCoy ascertained that your abilities were the cause, I performed a mind meld to bring you back to consciousness. I regret that I was unable to seek your permission at the time, did you find the meld distressing?" he asks and Kirk notices an edge of unease.
"It was you?" he asks unable to contain his awe.
"Yes."
Kirk closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, recalling the sensation of being cradled and coveted like the most precious thing in existence. He's been going back to that feeling and focusing on it all day, trying to center himself using the memory.
"It wasn't distressing at all." He says with feeling "It was…" perfect, the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life "I had never felt anything like it. I didn't realize it was you."
Spock nods, feeling illogically proud and relieved.
"I should have known." Kirk adds, surprising Spock.
"It is reasonable that you did not, as we had never engaged in telepathic contact before," his muscles tense a bit thinking of his older self "and you were severely compromised."
"Yeah, but" Kirk huffs a laugh without humor, looking everywhere but at Spock "this is going to sound ridiculous, but you're pretty much the only thing that kept me sane these past three months."
It doesn't sound ridiculous to Spock, who is filled with warmth at the words.
"While I am pleased I could be of assistance, I cannot imagine how it was possible as I was unaware of the circumstances."
"You do realize you're the only one on this ship besides me who actively shields, right?" Kirk asks with a small smile and Spock is momentarily floored by the simplicity of it. "You have no idea what a relief it was for me every time we were alone in a room. Actually even if there was someone else, I could sort of focus on you and keep a clear head." His eyes widen then and his expression is close to horrified, as a realization seems to dawn on him.
The sudden shift alarms Spock "Captain?"
Kirk looks back at him "Spock, I'm sorry! I hadn't really thought about it and it must sound awful, like I've been using you, but I swear it wasn't like that."
"That is illogical, Captain. You did nothing wrong and therefore have no reason to apologize. I am pleased that I was able to offer a respite from chaos, even if I was not conscious of it."
"Thank you" Kirk says, his voice intense in a way Spock has never heard it. "For shielding," he grins there "for bringing me back and offering your help."
"My offer still stands, Jim." Spock tells him and Kirk's smile widens at the use of his name.
Kirk takes a breath, as if preparing himself. "I'd like to try." He says at last.
Spock joins his Captain on the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of him, their knees almost touching. He asks for permission even if they've already agreed and Kirk smiles at him nodding.
"My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts."
Everything is different now that his Captain is conscious. His mind is so alive and bright and vibrating with energy that Spock almost forgets what he's supposed to do for a second. The contrast is startling in a most pleasing manner. Spock quickly regains himself and begins his exploration.
Kirk's relief at Spock's gentle touch is met by Spock's joy at being able to provide it. Somehow Spock is able to soothe the wounds he finds in his mind and Jim marvels at it, he had almost forgotten how it felt not being constantly in pain, how it felt to be whole. It will be a long way before he's actually whole again, but he's been suffering alone for so long now, that the difference is already palpable.
Spock still feels like water, but this time Jim's not destroyed, he's nurtured by it. His mind thrums with a new strength as if Spock's breathing life in him again. Jim welcomes it and feels like he's regaining shape, he knows where his boundaries are again and he could shield from the world if he tried. He doesn't now because he doesn't want to let go of Spock. He feels safe. So instead he holds onto him and Spock lets him.
When they pull back Kirk's eyes are shining with unguarded amazement and Spock's breath catches at the intense gaze directed at him. Soon though Kirk averts his eyes and when he looks back at Spock he has regained his composure. It makes Spock wish Kirk would be unguarded with him all the time.
"You are still…" Spock starts but cuts himself off.
"Fragile?" Kirk asks tilting his head "You can say it, my ego has survived worse." He assures him grinning with real humor.
Spock lifts an eyebrow, but nods.
"I know, I'll keep working on it."
"Perhaps we could meditate together, I would gladly assist you in your progress."
"Really? I'd like that. I used to meditate with my brother when I was a kid. It's been so long now. Are you sure it wouldn't bother you?"
"Vulcans engage in joint meditation with members of their family. It would be beneficial for me too. Your mental presence does not bother me at all." Quite the contrary, he thinks to himself.
Kirk clears his throat awkwardly, "Okay, then. Maybe tomorrow after shift?"
"That would be acceptable." He stands up and looks Kirk over for a moment, his gaze fixing on the dark shadows under his eyes "Captain, am I correct in assuming that you have not been sleeping well?"
"I do sleep, just never for long. Most nights I have nightmares… it all comes back when I'm sleeping, you know? Sometimes a headache will build up while I'm asleep because I can't shield properly, and the pain wakes me up. It will pass once I manage to shield again." He shrugs like it doesn't really matter.
"Vulcans have ways to induce restful sleep, you would not remember dreaming."
"Should I count sehlats?" he grins up at Spock, who proceeds to ignore his human habit of joking.
"No, Captain. It will simply require me to briefly touch your mind once you are ready to rest. If you allow me."
"Go ahead, Spock. I'm beat even if I've been doing nothing all day."
Kirk lies down in his bed and pulls up the covers. It's silly but he feels suddenly embarrassed in doing such a simple gesture in front of his First Officer, because it's a symbol of how much more familiar and intimate they've become tonight. The thought makes him feel raw and exposed. He tries to swallow down the lump that has formed in his throat and tells himself the hurt and stress of these past months are finally getting to him.
Spock stands next to the bed and stretches a hand to Kirk's forehead when he's settled but Jim stops him, curling his fingers around Spock's wrist.
"Thanks, Spock. You're a real friend." Then he closes his eyes and lets Spock press two fingers to his psi points, murmuring softly in Vulcan.
Kirk falls asleep instantly and Spock stands there, reluctant to leave even if he knows his Captain is safe now. He takes a moment to observe the Human and think about the trust Kirk has granted him, more and more since the Narada mission and culminating in what they shared tonight. He discovers in himself a fierce desire not to disappoint him.
~o~
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