Comments | synre: lolglish

synre

lolglish

Feb 03, 2009 15:35

I did draft 1 of that essay - this is pretty generic disclaimer, but I'm still sick and I feel like that's not helping me much, here - my writing doesn't feel crisp to me, and the type of writing this is really isn't my strength. I'd be grateful if you guys would take a look at it and give me some feedback - the final draft isn't due until Thursday ( Read more... )

Comments 3

honestlyamigo February 3 2009, 22:10:37 UTC

I think you have a good start, but you for sure need to read over this for typos because there are a lot of them.

as far as style or content, I think you need to make it clearer about the kind of relationship you feel you had (i.e. father figure) because it kind of sounds like you had a crush on him with the way you describe things. I know you have about a sentence that touches on it briefly but it isn't clear. you could probably cut the introduction in half, I think it's too wordy and isn't necessary. overall, you could probably take out certain details that don't add to the development, and add to the things that do.

I really like the poker face valley girl Cheshire Cat bit you have, though.

and like I said, it's a good start, but it could stand some cleaning up.

synre February 4 2009, 02:29:24 UTC

I am skeptical it would come off as a crush if you didn't know I was gay but you're right - it is something I kind of wanted to fit more in the beginning, but it was already too long... will need to replace some stuff, for sure. I didn't like the length of the introduction either since it doesn't get interesting for like three paragraphs in, I commented on that when we started the peer edit, actually. This is the first thing I've written all semester that I've done a few hours before class and it shows... I put it off because I've been sick and that usually makes it hard to focus but it just ended up making things worse, since I am still sick and just made the time constraint suck. The typos are probably a sign of that - didn't really give myself time to prune over it and make it acceptable. Thanks for the feedback, though - I knew I didn't like it when I posted it, which is why I did - I appreciate the help.

(The comment has been removed)

synre February 4 2009, 02:39:03 UTC

One of things I do in addition to the typos when I go through and edit shit is usually making sure I vary word choice but I hadn't really noticed the issue there, so I'll take a look at it for sure. I'm notoriously bad about the tenses thing, for some reason I can never pick up on that without help... I'll take a look at that ( ... )