so far, kind of good.  have gone all day, and while i melt down from time to time, i kind of feel good about this.  this is something i need to do.  i think what is making me so upset is not being able to talk about it, like to josh or really anyone.  i posted on an message board, like the true internet freak i am.  it was just easier ( Read more... )

i am having some sort of massive anxiety attack.  and i dont even know why.  i probably dont have a reason.  just whacky.  i was alright when i was at target, but now im back home and im back to tweeking out about something... but i dont know what ( Read more... )

and im doing the exact same thing: sitting here waiting to call work to see if i have to go in or not.  i have to stop trying to get out of work, but the thing is, i hate work.  i dont feel well, im fussy, and i hate working.  so i'll try to wait maybe 20 minutes or so, and then call.  i keep telling myself im doing them a favor, but who knows.... ( Read more... )

another boring day.  i got called off of work on my WAY to work.  great.  of course, im always thrilled when i dont have to work, but eventually im going to have to start making money.  that and im just getting BORED.  and then i get stoned all night, and im going to run out of pills.  oh.  and yeah.  going to dustys fucking wedding.  my god.  i so ( Read more... )

i totally just found this site again.  and i re-read all of this stuff, and man, its a gem.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING????  oh, woe is me, so and so doesnt like me... but i LOVE so and so... cmon em.  stop being a retard.

id like to say like has gotten much better and far more fulfilling, but truth be told, it has not.  im old now, a breath ( Read more... )

its finally done. i dont want it to be, but pretty sure it is. im blaming myself. maybe its a good thing. i havent been happy, he's right. he cant make me happy. he wont try. he doesnt want to. he wants what is easy for him. what is given to him. he's never had to work for anything before. i need to accept this as a good thing. it will ( Read more... )

these are becoming my favorite times. late at night, sitting here, listening to music, writing. pilled out of my gourd. thats the best way ( Read more... )

so its been awhile... i have strayed into the myspace void, but i find it easier to write on here. too many people read myspace shit. anyways, life sucks. pat sucks. i just want to move home, and for the first time, i might actually be doing so. but i dont know why im doing it. because i want to and it will make me happy? or because im being ( Read more... )

so, i havent written in a while. very safe to say that i have been in a funk... havent really wanted to do anything. i work, and thats about it. but i seem to be feeling better... i am acknowledging things, and that seems to be very key. im trying deperately to take better care of myself, and it seems to be working. started with a new pillow ( Read more... )

its these fucking tuesdays that blow your world apart.