Oh... I'm... Still... Alive... ? I Forgot I Was Still Here...

[teaokay]

Wow, so I ended up reading some of my journal from the past. I really have become just... a really... huge... asshole. I forgot how I actually made an effort to justify my journal's existence once. And I was also friendly to people. I use to actually write amusing, witty little things about nothing and mock the world. Well not many people are

Comments

[dorkforlife]

I know I don't usually comment on your entries, but I do wonder sometimes about whether you're okay or not. Even though you're not doing well emotionally, I'm glad you're alive and trying to make some kind of effort to stay that way

[eggshell]

Ah, you're a wise person, dorkforlife.

[eggshell]

Wow, everyone's leaving long, thought-out responses. Now it makes me want to leave one, too.

Hmm... you have a knack for touching people on an emotional level, Tea. Then again, anybody who's been through a certain amount of tragedy can do that without even opening their mouth. It's like they can stand before you and you can tell by their sad, droopy eyes, their thinning hair and tattered clothes that they've been through rough, life-altering places. There will always be people to comfort you so long as you throw sad stories at them.

Putting on a mask to face the world isn't something many people encourage, but... everyone does it. Seriously, there are very, very, very few people in the world who are genuinely happy because no harm has ever come to them. Nobody is ever really immune to pain or sadness, even people with nice families and loving friends. Everybody hurts sometimes, and I think people just try the best they can to look past that. It doesn't really make you less of what you are.

Now, of coourse you're different,

[majorfred]

You silly, misguided little man. You are truly a putz. Of course its you. Its part of who you are. Duh. And of course you have something to offer. Look how you touch total strangers with bits of rambling. Unless that's fake too, and you spend weeks writing and editing your posts before entering them

[cubitt]

You are wise as well. Well, actually, it's just common sense. But good sense.

[teaokay]

Now that is odd. I didn't expect everyone to leave "long, thought-out responses" as it were put... ! Hmm... well, I'm not sure what I say? Thank you? It feels like I should thank people when they simply acknowledge my existence, that seems like the right thing to do first of all I think. I sense some you becoming frustrated with me, ah, I don't blame you. I'm pretty stubborn aren't I? Well, I cherish all of your words though, for you gave the effort to speak them to me. That gives me some hope. I know, I know... everyone else hates living too, and I'm singing the same old song... I dunno though... I just really don't know if anyone really thinks and feels like I do. Sure everyone has their reasons they're upset. But I'm not sure many have discovered the truly horrific reasons of despair and woe. The type of discovery that can only come from years of being alone almost 27/7 without any "distractions" such as friends and activities. Hm, no, most people have too many distractions to be able to think about it enough.

[teaokay]

You're really right there Ms. Smile. You hit the nail right on the head with your words... I guess the trouble with me is I'm just a bit too different. I know, I know, everyone says there's plently of people out there like you. Blah, blah, blah. It's been almost 22 years now and guess what? Haven't seen / heard of / witnessed somebody enough like me to truly trust and feel comfortable around. The rare times I've tried to believe in somebody and trust them have hurt me the most. I don't think anybody is quite understanding how much it takes from me when this happens. Otherwise they would not be so oblivious to the paralyzing effect it has on my life and the extreme chaos it creates inside me. A while ago, I made "the effort" and do you know what that caused? The effort caused me to completely mess my life up beyond repair. It caused me to lose my sanity and left me completely broke. Now I have no way out of it. I thought I was doing a good thing but that effort destroyed me. I was willing to somehow, someway, build

[elegantangel]

"tjhe fake joyous tea"? If people don't like who you are that's there proble. Don't be fake, this is YOUR journal. be true to yourself. I understand what your saying about being alone and maybe you deserve it, i used to feel that way. infact i still do. when i was really depressed i used to cry myself to me and then sometimes my chest would start hurting. i'm sorry that you've been down and that nothing really has been going right lately.