DRINKING MATCH: TONKS VS XUXA

[tedfuckingtonks]

GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? OTTO SIGNED NO SORT OF PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT! YET HE AGREED TO PAY ALIFUCKINGMONY SHOULD THEY EVER PART! THIS IS HORRIBLE! OTTO IS GOING TO BE A PAUPER! THEN HE'S GOING TO CRY ON MY SHOULDER AND SLEEP ON MY COUCH AND EAT ALL MY FOOD AND MOPE AROUND SCRATCHING HIS BALLS IN MY HOUSE IN JUST HIS FUCKING SHORTS FOR MONTHS

Comments

[shinyblackstar]

It's really nice to see your doing something productive with your free time while I'm at work. Could you do me a small favour this time and not vomit in the kitchen sink? You see, it isn't draining right and my husband refuses to fix it.

[tedfuckingtonks]

I'M VERY TRULY SORRY I COULDN'T CHALLENGE XUXA TO A GAME OF SCRABBLE OF TRIVIAL PURSUIT! IT HAD TO BE SOMETHING WE WERE BOTH PROFICIENT AT, OR IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FAIR! CAN'T YOU SEE THE NOBILITY IN THAT?

[shinyblackstar]

I'm very truly sorry, too, Theodore, because nobility isn't a word that springs to mind when I see you passed out, pants-less and reeking of booze and vomit in our front garden.

[tedfuckingtonks]

OKAY, THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AND YOU WERE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME TO WORK ALL THOSE ODD JOBS THAT ICE BOX GAVE ME! DRINKING IS ALWAYS ENTAILED IN THOSE! I PROMISE YOU THAT TONIGHT I'M DOING IT JUST FOR OTTO! IF I HAVE TO GET IN DRINKING GAME WITH SOMEONE TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF, THEN IT HAS TO BE DONE!

[miss_amelia]

Do you have something against lowercase letters?

[tedfuckingtonks]

NO, BUT THEY DON'T CONVEY MY UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE VERY WELL!

[meadowes]

Never thought I'd say this but maybe I'll show up to cheer or be a third if you need a third cos I still think someone dressed up a Skrewt.

[tedfuckingtonks]

OH, I BELIEVE I HAVE JUST TASTED THE SWEET SWEET NECTAR OF MORAL SUPPORT! LET ME RELISH IT! AHH! AND PLEASE COME ALONG! BE MY THIRD! I DOUBT XUXA COULD PUT US ALL UNDER THE TABLE.

[meadowes]

Don't see why you lot don't just punch her cos punching would work but I'll bring some firewhiskey and that can be moral support too.

[tedfuckingtonks]

THERE'S ONLY ONE HITCH IN YOUR PLAN! SHE PROLLY COULD LAY ME FLAT. I ALSO SHOULDN'T HIT A WOMAN. GOD FORBID I GIVE THE BLACKS ANOTHER THING TO THROW IN ANDI'S FACE.

[mister_bones]

I know this is really important Ted, but I have some things to do tonight and I can't. I'll see you at work tomorrow.

[tedfuckingtonks]

MAN, THIS STRANGER HAS STOLEN OTTO FROM US! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WEAR A CONJOINED TUXEDO AND INTRODUCE OURSELVES AS BONKS. SHE STOLE OUR DREAM, BONES, OUR DREAM. THAT AND OTTO WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEND US MONEY EVER AGAIN WITH HER SAPPING AT HIM!

[mister_bones]

Well we can still wear a conjoined tuxedo! And she doesn't seem all bad, just because of all the piercings, hidden tattoos that she kept offering to show me through some odd kind of sign language, and really awful fashion sense.

Say! Why don't you try and get her deported? I'm sure marriage doesn't immediately make someone citizen. I can look in on that tonight while Patrick deafens me with his colic!

[tedfuckingtonks]

BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY SECOND!