Today, former Vice President Al Gore sent his infant son into space in a rocket of his own design. When asked what prompted such an unusual decision, he said "I've been trying to tell you people that this planet is doomed. I'm sending my son to a faraway world where he will become a hero to its people. Both my wife and I shall remain here, as I ( Read more... )

     Have you ever watched Paid Programming? There are some creepy goddamn things on Paid Programming. For example, (and I swear to all Gods I am not making this up) There is a man named Peter Popoff, a man who looks like a reptile, who apparently got some magic water from God or his kitchen tap, which, (he actually said this) "Is guaranteed to ( Read more... )

     South Dakota has outlawed all abortion, unless the woman's life is in danger. If you were raped, tough shit. Incest? Deal with it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: fuck the religious right. Fuck them in every possible orifice, then make some new ones with a big fucking knife.

But the positive side of it is there's never been a ( Read more... )

     So I actually watched TV news that was not the Daily Show last night and my soul still feels dirty. I didn't time it or anything but I'm pretty sure it was 5 minutes of news and 25 minutes talking about American Idol.

But, this time was not entirely wasted, as I came up with a great idea for a TV news show, hear me out, where the anchorman ( Read more... )

     Oh man. I have no idea what happened last night but this morning I woke up in an empty car. Which was in a tree. And the car was full of Jell-O. Oh, and I was naked. Nothing makes you focus like having to climb down a tree naked and covered in Jell-O. But at least I didn't fall and hit all the branches on the way down. Which is especially ( Read more... )

     And I should know. I spent the whole weekend in a bee-hive thanks to stupid Professor Pantstrousers and his shrink-ray. It was all, "Submit to the will of the hive!" and "Work makes us free! We love Big Brother!" in there. I am totally serious. Bees are fucked up. Anyway, I escaped, but that's not really what I wanted to talk about, because ( Read more... )