It's one of those days when I wish I still had a DeathCab for Cutie cd and I wish it was constantly playing in the background. The cough is still shattering my respiratory system. My head hurts. Last night I thought I was going to die. My stomache was burning, I was close to fainting so many times...hot and cold...pale. I felt drunk. But I ( Read more... )

So this cough that shakes my body and drains me of energy...it hurts. It scares me. Could this be me, for the rest of my life? With this cough that rattles my ribs and makes people stare? Makes people shake their heads as I cough, convulse, inhale, exhale. And while the cough is killing me, hurting my head, exhausting me, tensing my muscles ( Read more... )

It's cold. I'm cold. The cold, the rain, the weather is seeping into me. Making my eyes wet with tears that don't really belong, making my hands stiff with cold aching joints. I'm shaking, sniffling, eyes half open, begging to close. Eyes begging to close out the bright lights and the more-awake faces...My body is aching. Aching and aching ( Read more... )

So it's one of those days when nothing's alright, but nothing's bad. My body's aching. Aching. Dragging with exhaustion and I'm miserable in my own skin. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want a new life, a new face, a new body, new clothes, new friends, and a new past. But there's nothing I can change anymore. The only thing I can ( Read more... )

So. So life is good but life is scary because it's going so fast and I've got to get into college and I've got to get A's in my classes and I've got to make more money and I've got to pay off my car and I can't keep gaining weight and I want to move out but I can't because if I do then I won't have a family anymore and if I don't have a family ( Read more... )

I get to spend the night at Michelle's on Friday. That will be the fourth time in about a year I've spent the night out. Two out of the four will have been with Steve. This will be the first one with no ill intentions. I asked my mom, told her that Michelle's parents will be in Florida, and after she talked to her dad, she said I could. Maybe ( Read more... )

I forgot how much I loved the Doobie Brothers. And how much I love not worrying about if my clothes look cute or my makeup is smeared or my hair doesn't look right. It feels good to wear a tshirt and ripped up nasty jeans without knees and my hair all messy and mascara and light brown eyeshadow and blush. I missed all that. I feel like I'm in ( Read more... )

I wonder if it will ever be the same for me. I wonder if I was right and if I'll never quite be as happy as I was. I wonder if I'll quit wanting to talk to him. I wonder if I'll stop loving him, stop being jealous of that bitch that doesn't deserve him, if I'll ever stop grinning whenever I see him, if my heart will ever stop fluttering. I just ( Read more... )

So he tells me I'm a different person. He tells me I'm not the girl he fell in love with. He tells me I've changed and that nothing about me is the same. He also told me, at one point or another, to be careful about my relationships, because with every relationship, you lose a part of yourself. Maybe, just maybe, Stephen, I put so much into ( Read more... )

For some reason, I'm ridiculously awake this morning. It's Monday, I've been awake since 5:40, I didn't get to talk to my boy because my cellphone fell in the toilet yesterday at my brother's birthday party while I felt all sick and nasty again, but for some reason, I'm in a ridiculously good mood. It's like nothing is really wrong in my life. I ( Read more... )