i had this written on my ok for awhile but now im taking it down. i dont feel this way anymore, i guess, or not as much ( Read more... )

today ( Read more... )

dear god please please please dont let jesse go away

my grandfather is in the hospital in new york and has been doing really poorly and going downhill for months, and i havent talked to the aunt and uncle who functioned as my parents when i lived out there through high school and at other times for almost a year, not for any bad blood or anything, just because i havent had the guts to deal with how ( Read more... )

tolstoy says happy families are all alike- every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

every time i feel good, it comes in the form of appreciation of others. i well up with affection for people, not even really their qualities always, but just that they are there and that i love them, and theres this delicate kind of sadness that is part of it, like maybe i guess how to live is to die, and how the connection to or ability to see the ( Read more... )

www.theawl.com/2010/11/harry-potter-and-the-incredibly-conservative-aristocratic-childrens-club


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i guess when i came back and i didnt realize what terrible shape i was in. i didnt realize how what i was coming back to would affect it, i thought it would be healing, and i cant tell how much the comfort that ive found is healing vs enabling, and how much the bad shit around the household is terrifically counterproductive. its hard to see how ( Read more... )

im disintegrating. im waiting, sunburned, on a bobbing beacon somewhere in the freezing, open ocean. it is strangely comforting to say out loud, or to myself with some solidity, that this is the worst. this has been the worst year of my life, even worse than captivity, that this is the worst my life has ever been. it is good to remind myself that ( Read more... )

sometimes i feel hesitant about posting humiliating things that happen on here in case people that dont respect me anymore still read it for some reason, like i dont want to give them a reason to pity me, but then i remember that thats the best way to become the thing that my most terrible, solipsist self envisions their envisioning ( Read more... )