Where I Stood - Chapter Two: Wait It Out [Skins; Naomi/Emily]
Title: Where I Stood (2/8 - But may change)
Chapter: Wait It Out
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy
Rating: R for swearing
Word Count: 6,864
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Chapter Two: Wait It Out // Clambering for the scraps. In the shatter of us collapsed. That cuts me with every could-have-been.\\
Naomi doesn’t really know where she’s supposed to start.
She finds it more daunting than she’d ever expected, her new beginning, her chance to start from scratch all over again.
Doesn’t understand why she’s finding it all so hard when escaping from home was all she’d dreamed about for years.
Couldn’t wait, back then, to leave it all behind.
Now, she can’t decide whether she’s meant to rebuild what was carelessly bulldozed down in her last few days in Bristol - meant to create the perfect replica of the life she already knows - or whether to scrap it all and start afresh.
It’s utterly overwhelming, Naomi realises, having so many pieces shattered around her feet, waiting eagerly to be put together, and having no instructions to direct her in what order or how.
Logically she knows that it will be nearly impossible for her to piece her old life back together; knows she can’t force shattered parts to fit in ways they once did and thinks that maybe it’ll be easier to use the pieces to create something new instead. Just hopes that it’ll work.
She takes a deep breath to prepare herself, realises that she just has to pick one single piece to begin with.
London.
Places it down and thinks carefully about what she can join with it. Her hands search through the scraps, fingers finding pieces she can add:
University.
Politics.
Eighteen.
Alone.
Naomi watches as each piece takes its new place and hopes that with time she’ll eventually be able to fill in the gaps and see what the final picture will turn out to be.
-----
Freshers’ week is the hardest to get through.
Naomi’s challenge to put aside her normal antisocial behaviour and make a sincere effort to mix with her fellow UCL goers is stunted in an instant.
It begins with red- she sees it everywhere, can’t comprehend how she once thought that it was just another colour when it’s so much more. It acts like a trigger, breaks through the barrier she’d put in place to stop herself thinking about Emily, and leaves her mind filled with messy questions.
Naomi tries her hardest to shut it out again, doesn’t want to let herself think about Emily at all. She knows that thinking about Emily will only force her to come up with answers - answers she isn’t sure she has, and that she doesn’t think she’s ready to face.
Despite her best efforts to escape them, though, she finds that those thoughts of Emily never fail to consume her.
It’s always something unexpected that elicits them: hearing a song Emily likes on the radio, seeing someone wearing a bow, or even the time she overhears two girls in the middle of argument calling each other ‘fucking cow’ somehow manages to set her mind spinning.
It happens in a rush, the way that Naomi’s memory will suddenly be overloaded with memories of her. It’s a flashback so vivid that it forces her from her hiding place, demands that she finally answers the questions that she managed to dodge at every turn.
Only she can’t. She’s still afraid of what the answers will be, and what they’ll mean about her.
Naomi hates how her mind always seem to linger on the ‘what if’s’.
She forces herself to concentrate on her degree, knows deep down that it’s only a momentary distraction, will only hold them at bay a little longer, but it gives her those final few moments before she has to answer to her hardest critic yet… herself.
-----
It’s become almost a ritual, the way that Naomi will head over to the little coffee shop just across from her dorm and settle down in one of the worn out booths to crack on with an essay. She likes the way the place always has a busy feel to it. It reminds her of trying to get coursework done at home - when her mum had simply offered their house out as a commune to all kinds of hippy freaks - and the constant noise actually helps in making her feel calmed and focused. Naomi finds that even the cheap tasting coffee is a comfort.
“Surely eight a.m. on a Saturday morning is a little early for essay writing, even for you.”
It comes out of nowhere, the drone of an exceedingly bored and yet familiar voice. Only when she hears a gentle rustling and the click of a lighter seconds later does she lift her head up from her work to see Effy turning a cigarette between her fingers, momentarily toying with it before slipping it back into the back when she realises she’s inside.
“You know me, Eff, won’t be satisfied until I literally know it all,” Naomi says, a hint of sarcasm lacing her tone. The corners of Effy’s mouth twitch into a barely-there smile and Naomi finds herself suddenly curious as to what Effy is doing in London. “Come to see the Queen?”
Effy drums her fingers against the table, grins almost disbelievingly before replying, “University.”
Naomi tries not to let her surprise show, and if Effy notices she pretends not to. Instead, she reaches over and grasps Naomi’s cup of coffee, finishes whatever remains of the once hot drink in a large mouthful.
“The ever faithful watcher of the people finally searches for the meaning of life?” Naomi offers with a teasing smile.
“Something like that.” Effy replies, expression completely neutral.
“Any luck yet?”
Effy smiles wickedly. “Life’s shit and then you die.”
“Insightful.” Naomi replies through a laugh.
A moment of silence passes before Effy asks, “How’s Emily getting on at Sheffield?”
It makes the smile fall from Naomi’s face at once, her eyes averting Effy’s relentless gaze. “I don’t know. Things got complicated between us before we left Bristol and we ended it.”
“She didn’t chase after you then?”
“Not this time,” Naomi murmurs sadly, “I assume she finally realised that I wasn’t worth it.”
Effy’s eyes soften momentarily. “Sorry.”
Naomi shakes her head, brushing off Effy’s attempt of comfort. “Don’t be. It was my own fault anyway.” She throws a forced smile in Effy’s direction. “Want to get out of here and go grab something to eat? The coffee here is all right, but the food is definitely too questionable to chance.”
Effy shakes her head, and says, “Not hungry. How about going someplace where they serve something a little stronger?”
Naomi doesn’t even think about it, grabs up her things and replies, “Sounds like a plan.”
-----
Effy doesn’t say much while they drink and, in return, neither does Naomi.
When they’re finished a couple of hours later, Effy vanishes just as quickly as she appeared.
Mysterious as always, Naomi muses as she heads back to her dorm, all the while trying to keep her mind from actually wondering what Sheffield is like.
-----
Naomi’s never been much of a drinker, social or otherwise.
She’d only ever joined in with the festivities in college if she’d somehow managed to find her way to a shit house party and alcohol was the only thing available to keep her entertained. Occasionally, she’d even take whatever drugs were on offer to make the night seem more bearable.
It’s not something Naomi’s ever felt she needs though. The buzz from the drinking, the inevitable high from the drugs, have never been an escape she could really understand.
Now, when it becomes too much, when she can’t switch it off - the way Emily seems to be haunting her at every turn - she’s surprised to find that the only thing that lets her try to forget is that well used method of a constant upkeep of alcohol and drugs in her system.
Now I get it, Naomi thinks hazily, embracing how their effects keep her from feeling anything at all.
-----
The next couple of months pass in a haze.
Every night is a different place, but the intention to get too intoxicated to care or remember remains the same.
“It doesn’t actually work, y’know.”
They haven’t seen each other since their last accidental meeting and Naomi’s already far too on her way to being completely fucked to try and decode whatever Effy’s trying to tell her.
Naomi sees Effy slide gracefully onto the barstool next to her and downs her last shot before slurring, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Effy’s smile is almost menacing when she says, “The drinking. The drugs. That desire to numb it all and not let yourself feel. It doesn’t work in the long run, Naomi. The effects wear off eventually.”
It makes something inside Naomi snap, makes her resent that she’s not really alone in London after all. “Yeah, well, thanks for the advice, Effy, but it seems to be working just fine for me at the moment. So, if you don’t mind...”
Naomi doesn’t give Effy the chance to respond, just grasps her drink, and let’s herself once again get lost amongst the crowd.
-----
It spirals out of control quicker than she can handle.
It starts out as nothing more than harmless flirting- he introduces himself, buys her a drink, spends long moments complimenting her; she likes the way that being under his hungry gaze makes her feel alive for the first time in weeks.
Naomi doesn’t really know how she let it escalate so rapidly - isn’t sure how flirting went to kissing or how the kissing led to this- her back pressed roughly against the cubicle wall, large hands bunching up her skirt and forcing her underwear down her legs.
It feels wrong.
Isn’t even something she really wants.
When she starts crying out of nowhere, he takes a step back from her at once and quickly re-buttons his jeans with a worried expression. “Calm down, babe. We haven’t done anything, all right? Nothing happened.”
His words don’t comfort her- only make her cry harder when it finally clicks just how fucked up her life is.
Naomi barely hears his swift explanation of “I didn’t touch her. I swear nothing happened.” seconds later or the reply of a simple “Go.” Just sees Effy enter into her line of vision a moment after, a sad smile present on her lips when she tugs up Naomi’s underwear and smoothes downs her skirt; one hand stabling Naomi’s wobbling form.
It’s the feel of Effy’s gentle fingers on the bare skin of her arm that make Naomi even more aware of just how fucked up her choices have been- how wrong everything has been since she left Bristol behind.
“I’ve messed up, Eff.” Naomi gasps through her tears. “It was just so much, and I was so fucking scared...”
“It’s okay,” Effy coos as she wipes at Naomi’s wet cheeks. Somehow she manages to get her arm wrapped steadily around Naomi’s waist, and gets Naomi back up on her feet. “Come on, Campbell. Let’s get you home, yeah?”
Naomi doesn’t remember much about Effy carrying her home, just knows that she kept mumbling a mixture of “I didn’t mean to fuck it up” and “I’m sorry” over and over again.
-----
She wakes to the gentle sound of someone murmuring her name.
“Ems?”
“Sorry, just me,” Effy says carefully when Naomi’s woken properly. She passes her a glass of water a second later, accompanied by two pain killers for her obvious hangover.
Naomi takes a couple of sips of the cool liquid and gratefully swallows down the tablets before looking up to find Effy’s blue eyes staring back at her. She immediately feels helpless under Effy’s gaze, can’t seem to stop her eyes from tearing up.
Effy picks up on her inner struggle, offers a helping hand when she utters, “Truth?”
Naomi wipes at her eyes and sniffles, smiles a little despite her pounding head and aching body. “I messed it up.”
“And?” Effy presses.
“And...?” Naomi catches the look on Effy’s face that lets her know she’s not fooling anyone anymore.
“Fuck’s sake...” Naomi grumbles irritably before sobering to add, “I... love her, all right?”
“I know,” Effy replies sincerely, giving Naomi’s arm a gentle squeeze.
Naomi’s surprised to find that saying it out loud - finally admitting it to herself after all this time - isn’t actually as difficult as she expected it to be. She’s even more shocked when the feeling settles over her and for the first time doesn’t fill her with that desperate urge to take it back and run.
Effy is the one to break the silence that falls over them as she lights up a cigarette from her pack and takes a quick drag of it before handing it over to Naomi. Effy exhales smoke a second later and smiles wryly. “I told you that it doesn’t work for long- numbing everything. Always catches up with you in the end.”
Naomi doesn’t reply, just puffs away on her cigarette and wishes that just for once Effy didn’t always have to be right.
-----
Admitting it is like opening a wound. After months of avoidance it brings those unanswered questions back in a rush. The only difference is, this time she’s ready to face up to the answers.
(At least some of them anyway.)
Naomi doesn’t know whether it does more bad or good, letting herself finally think about Emily, just knows that it’s time that she at least let herself feel something about it all.
She runs their time together repeatedly over in her mind, smiles to herself when she remembers all of the good parts - Emily being brave by the lake, desperate kisses against the lockers, staying in bed all day long just because they could.
What really cuts her, makes realisation set in fast and deep, is how those few good moments they shared together are hideously outweighed by the bad. It makes her chest clench painfully with a mixture of guilt and shame.
The one thing that stings the most - always leaves her feeling physically sick - is how she never stopped being a coward. Naomi despises the word and all that it implies; hates how she let herself become one of those people she can’t stand, always too spineless to stand up for what they believe in.
It had been totally unbalanced from the moment it began. Emily had given one-hundred percent, while she had given little. Emily had pulled and pulled, and in return for her sweet effort, Naomi pushed her away.
It’s those thoughts that cause Naomi to have trouble sleeping.
She spends her nights lying awake wondering what Emily’s life is like now. Sometimes she’ll let herself think about whether Emily lies awake and thinks of her, too. Or, sometimes she’ll wonder whether Emily’s already moved on with someone else.
(Naomi never lets herself think about that latter for too long.)
The worst part of thinking about Emily’s life now, Naomi knows, is that she still could have been a part of it had she just let herself be.
It’s always the ‘what could-have-been’s’ that make her hurt the most, leave her crying silently into her pillow and wishing she could undo what is already done.
-----
“Just call her,” Effy says a week later while they’re laying on Naomi’s bed watching crap daytime TV and smoking. It breaks through the muted bubble-world Naomi’s created for herself in an instant.
“It’s not that simple,” Naomi replies miserably as she turns to face her. “I can’t just call her up out of the blue. It’s been nearly sixth months, Effy.”
Effy frowns back at her. “So it’s been sixth months. Who cares? It’s just time.”
“It’s not just time, Eff. Time changes everything.” Naomi lets her eyes drift back to the ceiling, pauses to think for a moment before continuing, “Besides, I’ve already messed her life up several times before. I can’t do it to her again, not if she’s already started to move on. It’s too late.”
She’s grateful when she hears Effy let out a sigh, knows the subjects been dropped, at least for the time being anyway.
-----
April and May pass by in a blur.
-----
Naomi’s already tucked in for the night when the loud knocking starts at her door. Effy’s glares at her furiously when she finally opens it, barges past her and lets herself in without waiting to be asked.
“What’s up, Eff?” Naomi asks curiously.
Effy takes one look at her baggy jumper and sweat-pants and gets as irritated as Naomi’s ever seen her. “What the fuck, Naomi? We’re supposed to be going out tonight, or did you just forget?”
Naomi glances down at what she’s wearing when Effy’s persistent staring begins to burn; shifts uncomfortably on her feet when she looks back up and answers, “I didn’t forget, I just don’t feel like it. I sent you a text.”
Effy shakes her head, purses her lips together in a tight frown. “It’s been months, you can’t just stay locked away forever. It’s getting pathetic, Naomi.”
There’s something in the way Effy’s eyes have narrowed in on her with a glimmer of what looks like disgust that makes Naomi crack. “Me pathetic?” she snaps back. “At least I’m finally letting myself feel something. But what about you, huh, Eff? Still think that playing the part of the unfeeling, uncaring robot isn’t at least a bit pathetic, too?”
Effy’s jaw tenses at Naomi’s words, but her tone remains surprisingly neutral when she ignores her outburst and replies, “Either stop the wallowing, and the endless self pity, Naomi, and do something about Emily, or just let it go. But, for fuck’s sake, stop torturing yourself for the mistakes you made.”
Effy’s words sting more than she thought they would and it’s all Naomi can do to avert Effy’s gaze, and gesture towards the door. “I think you should leave.”
Effy nods her head mutely and passes her by to let herself out, turns back around quickly and adds, “Stop letting your regrets hold you back or you’ll just end up with even more mistakes to add to your list.”
Naomi doesn’t hear the sound of the door shutting behind Effy’s retreating form, is too consumed by the deafening words Effy’s left behind.
-----
“I’m sorry,” Naomi says when Effy opens the door the next morning, and offers her one of the Styrofoam cups of coffee she’s carrying. “Peace offering?”
Effy’s mouth curves into a small smile as she pulls the door back to let Naomi into her room. She gestures at the edge of her bed and sits; Naomi following swiftly behind her.
“You were right, by the way.” Naomi says, breaking the silence between them. Effy turns to her with a neutral expression. “About me, I mean. I did need to make a decision about all of this Emily stuff.”
“Obviously,” Effy replies dryly.
“I stayed up thinking about it last night after you left.” Naomi reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and lets out a shaky breath before looking up at Effy with a forced smile. “I’ve decided that I’m letting her go.” Naomi shrugs when Effy doesn’t look away. “Things are better off this way. She can move on and so can I. It’s about time I started living my life again.”
“You made the right choice, Naomi.”
Naomi lets out a nervous chuckle. “I hope so.” She smiles awkwardly a second later and says, “Sorry for calling you a robot, Eff.”
Effy laughs. “Don’t be. That’s possibly the nicest insult anyone has ever thrown at me.” Naomi watches as Effy’s face changes from amused to self-conscious as she continues, “But you were right, too; I fucked around in college and hurt a lot of people - Freddie, Cook, Panda... Katie,” she says with a wince, “I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“To change?” Naomi suggests, lamely raising her coffee cup and rolling her eyes.
Effy smiles and clinks their cups together. “To change... and a lot of therapy time.”
Naomi sniggers and takes a finalising sip of her coffee.
-----
Things only get easier as time goes on.
They stick to their agreement to change.
Effy goes to therapy twice a week, telling Naomi that it’s about time she talked to someone who isn’t just a wanker about everything in life.
Naomi sees a flyer pinned up in a local supermarket asking for volunteers to help out at a children’s summer school; she puts her name down without a second thought.
She calls her mum later that night, and cancels her plans to return to Bristol for the summer - knows that there’s no point reopening her healing wounds if she can avoid it.
-----
As her second year at university rolls around and comes to an end, Naomi realises that she doesn’t find herself floating off in thought of Emily anymore; is far too busy getting out into the world and living her life.
After deciding to let Emily go, she’d busied herself in her work and even maintained her challenge to stop being so antisocial by joining in any political cause she could find. She’s immersed herself in organising rallies and protests with her fellow classmates- and even managed to make a few friends along the way.
Things are definitely looking up.
-----
She meets Effy every Sunday morning for coffee.
It’s always that same little coffee shop where they first bumped into each other in London. Neither of them will admit it, but they both know it’s become ‘their’ place.
Naomi’s in the middle of explaining her latest political cause when she notes that Effy’s not even pretending to be the good sport she usually is in listening- is far too busy twisting in her seat to get a better look at the attractive guy sitting at the table behind them.
“Erm, hellooo? I’m talking here, y’know,” Naomi teases as she snaps her fingers in front of Effy’s face.
Effy turns to face her with her devilish grin- a grin Naomi’s come to recognise as the one that means Effy’s up to something. “That guy sitting behind us has been here every Sunday morning for the past month.”
“And?”
Effy rolls her eyes in response. “And, he sits and stares at you every time we’re here. He thinks you’re hot.”
It makes Naomi blush furiously without warning, a nervous laugh bubbling out of her throat. “Why would he be staring at me? He’s clearly staring at you, Eff.”
“He’s staring at you, Naomi. And, he’s staring at you because you’re hot and he’s hot and guys like that can sense when women like you haven’t had sex in forever.”
Naomi reaches across the table and slaps at Effy’s arm. “Just because my new leaf isn’t as good as yours and I haven’t fallen madly in love like a certain someone I know,” she laughs when Effy gives her the finger, “Doesn’t mean that I’m not having sex.”
Effy raises an eyebrow questioningly. “Oh, so since I saw you last Sunday, you’re suddenly having sex again?”
Naomi lets out a breath and bites down on her bottom lip. “Well, no, not exactly.”
“So, like I was saying, this guy is really hot and he’s staring at you in a way that’s obviously him mentally undressing you. You should go over there and give him your number.”
Naomi chances a glance over Effy’s shoulder to take a better look at the guy. Blushes an ever darker shade of red when he catches her looking and smiles sexily back at her. “I don’t know, Eff.”
“Come on, Naomi. It’s been two years. You need to get back out there. Plus, he’s really attractive.” Effy picks up on Naomi’s unease and covers her hand with her own. “Just go for a drink with him. You never know, you might actually end up enjoying yourself.”
Naomi feels her resistance faltering when he stands from his table and gingerly makes his way over to them; gives in and agrees to go out with him when she feels Effy kick her under the table.
-----
Three weeks later Naomi adds ‘men’ as another piece to the puzzle that is her life.
Notices how all the empty spaces are slowing getting filled in piece by piece.
-----
They’re playing a game of cards when it occurs to Naomi that their university experience only has a year left to go. “Eff? What do you think you want to do when your degree is done?”
Effy looks up at her over her cards and says, “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I think Mike might want to go travelling.”
Naomi rolls her eyes, and places her cards down. “I think I want to go into teaching. I enjoyed volunteering at that summer school and the guy who ran the place said I was a natural.”
Effy pulls a face, places her own cards down, and smiles smugly when Naomi sees that she’s lost again. “Isn’t teaching like a whole different degree? Do you really want to spend another three years here just to work with teenaged twats like Cook?”
Naomi laughs when she remembers how absurd the boy had been, sees her smile mirrored of Effy’s own face. “It wouldn’t actually be for that long. Because I’ll already have my politics degree, I can do a postgraduate certificate in education by staying on for another year.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it all planned out, Miss Campbell,” Effy teases, shuffling the cards again.
-----
She drops it into conversation casually. “So I got asked out on Friday night…” Naomi says as she takes a seat on Effy’s couch and sips at her wine.
“And?”
“I don’t know whether I should go or not.”
Effy stares at her disbelievingly. “Naomi, you get asked out all the time. I’m sure this guy is nice, just go and enjoy yourself. Stop over analysing it.”
Naomi puts her glass down on the coffee table and twists her body so she’s facing Effy properly. “That’s the problem actually... it’s not a guy.”
“Ah, I see.” Effy smiles and teasingly asks, “Is she hot?”
Naomi can’t help but blush a little even when Effy laughs and prods her with her foot to get her to answer. “Yeah, she’s gorgeous, and we get on great.”
“I don’t see the problem then.”
“It’s just that I haven’t - not with another woman - since Emily, I mean.” Naomi averts Effy’s gaze, knows that her bringing up Emily in any way or form will have Effy all over her case within seconds.
“Naomi...”
“Yeah, I know,” Naomi replies shaking her head. “I’ve got to get back out there and I have been. It’s just--”
“Just nothing, Naomi,” Effy interrupts, “You should go on the date and you know it.”
Naomi knows Effy’s right, knows that she gave up the right to think about Emily at all. Just knows that she can’t help the way Emily still manages to linger in the back of her mind.
-----
“How was your date?” Effy asks with a smirk, noticing the way that Naomi’s still wearing the same outfit that she’d helped her pick out the night before.
Naomi makes sure that she isn’t looking directly at Effy when she replies, “It went well. I liked her, we got on well. The meal was great and... I spent the night. But, I don’t think I’m going to see her again.”
Effy stares at her silently for long seconds before moving aside and motioning for Naomi to come inside. She passes Naomi a cup of coffee and leans back against the kitchen counter. “Aren’t you going to tell me why you’re not going to see her again?”
“It just didn’t feel right, y’know,” Naomi replies.
She sees the look in Effy’s eyes a second later, and knows that she doesn’t have to say what they both already know: ‘She’s not Emily.’
-----
Towards the end of her third year, Naomi happily notes that the puzzle that makes up her life is starting to look almost complete.
Only a few empty spaces remain.
-----
After months of turning up nearly every day and impatiently knocking on the door to Effy’s flat, Effy had finally just tossed the set of keys in Naomi’s direction and told her to just get her own ‘buggering’ set made.
“Hey, Eff?” Naomi calls out as she lets herself in and begins to walk down the hallway and towards the kitchen.
“Can I bring a date to your engagement party? I know I should have told you, but I met a really cute guy on the train. We’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now and I want you to mee--”
Naomi freezes in the doorway when her eyes stumble across Effy sitting alone on the floor of the kitchen; the room now stripped of all of its belongings.
It comes as a shock, seeing Effy, knees drawn up to her chest and looking more broken than Naomi can ever remember seeing her. Effy’s always been the strong one since they got to London, the one to pull herself together and make a go of her life without ever looking back at the mess she’d once made.
It’s painful, Naomi realises a second later, watching the one person who’s always kept you afloat looking so utterly like they can’t stop themselves from going under.
“No party, I’m afraid,” Effy says hoarsely, looking up to find Naomi’s eyes. “Mike’s left me.”
Naomi closes the space between them quickly, kneels down in front of Effy, and tries to pull her into a hug.
Effy bats her arm away and shakes her head with tear filled eyes. “Don’t. I’m fine.”
“Eff...” Naomi murmurs, ignoring her plea and reaching for her again. Effy resists against her embrace for a moment before Naomi says, “Don’t. It doesn’t help not to feel, remember?”
She feels Effy sink into her arms, can feel a mixture of Effy’s hot breath and tears against the crook of her neck as she begins to sob. Naomi feels the balance shift between them, knows that she has to be the strong one for once and hold them together; tightens her arms around Effy’s tiny frame, and curses the universe.
-----
‘Best friend’ Naomi adds to her puzzle.
Wonders why she hasn’t added it in sooner.
Realises this is the first time in her life that she’s ever really had one.
-----
Naomi squints her eyes as she tries to read the tiny writing on the back of the box. “It says you have to pee on it.”
“No shit, Naomi.”
Naomi lets out a laugh when she catches Effy’s amused smile and dramatic eye roll. Hands over the box and sits on the edge of the bed to wait for Effy’s return.
She keeps time on her watch when Effy comes back with a less than pleased look on her face muttering- “It’s like that fucking thing at the funfair where you have to try and shoot the water gun at the really small target.”
“Look, then,” Naomi says after three long minutes.
Effy slowly shakes her head from her place on the bed. “I can’t. You look for me.”
Naomi takes a deep breath as she lifts the pregnancy test up to her eyes, sees the two little blue lines and turns back to Effy with a skittish smile. “Ah, well, fuck.”
Effy snatches it from Naomi’s grasp and looks down at it in horror.
-----
Effy whips her bag angrily across the kitchen as soon as they step inside of her flat.
Naomi doesn’t say a word, knows that Effy needs this time to try and figure things out in her head. Instead she shrugs out of her jacket and makes them both a cup of tea before Effy speaks again.
“For years, Freddie and Cook fucking stalked me because they loved me and wanted to be with me but I couldn’t love them back. And yet somehow, stupidly, I manage to fall in love with the one guy who didn’t want to fucking stick around.” Effy laughs bitterly as she runs a hand through her wild hair. “Now, I’m four bloody months pregnant and alone. What the fuck am I going to do, Naomi?”
Naomi often finds it strange now, when Effy will relapse slightly like this and bring up the past. She remembers how reckless Effy had been back in college, had never been able to understand her attitude at all. One night, during a rather depressing conversation about people and love, Naomi had asked Effy what her deal was with trusting people. Effy had looked over at her in silence before quickly muttering some explanation about her parents and how they’d completely fucked up her belief in people.
It had made Naomi think about her own parents. Her mother was a complete fruit cake, wild and annoying but always there regardless and her father... well he had been absent for the better part of her life, and it had left her feel nothing but bitter towards most people.
Naomi can hardly comprehend what it must have been like for Effy, whose parents were part of her daily life and yet still absent in every possible way. It made Naomi think of invisibility, and wonder if that’s how Effy got so good at being mysterious; impossible to be anything but a mystery when nobody ever sees you for who you really are.
Naomi smiles sorrowfully at the memory and says, “You’ll do what you’ve always done. You’ll be strong and cope with this and I’ll be here to help, okay?”
Effy looks less than convinced with her answer. “Don’t make me any promises. I’ve learnt the hard way that they really mean fuck-all.”
Naomi throws her arm around Effy’s shoulder, pulls her into a sideways hug and presses a kiss to her forehead, and says, “You just need someone to prove you wrong, that’s all.” She doesn’t need to mention Effy’s parents for her to understand what she means when she continues, “I believe in you, yeah? You can do this.”
Effy tilts her head to find Naomi’s eyes, smiles a little at her words before sagging against her, and nodding meekly. “I can do this.”
Naomi closes her eyes and rests her head atop of Effy’s; remembers laying on her bedroom floor with Emily, and being told for the first time by someone other than her mum, that they believed in her. She hadn’t realised at the time, but in that spilt second, Emily had gotten her to believe in a whole lot more than herself.
She hopes her words are enough to make a believer out of Effy too.
-----
They don’t celebrate on the day they receive their results.
Naomi passes her degree with flying colours- receives a first-class honours, and gets a hysterical phone call from her mum repeatedly telling her how proud she is. She makes an excuse and hangs up on her at the first chance she gets, unable to handle her mum’s gushing for longer than necessary.
Effy doesn’t blink an eye when she opens her own results- doesn’t even let on that she’s pleased when she finds out she’s passed with a 2.1.
Naomi makes an effort to cheer Effy up, knows that they can’t go out drinking, what with Effy being nearly seven months pregnant. Instead she nips down to the nearest shopping centre, returning home an hour later with a book of baby names, some post-it notes and ridiculous top hat that she buys from a charity shop. Effy stares at her with a mixture of confusion and irritation, until Naomi finally manages to make her smile and roll her eyes while she teasingly reads out the meaning behind 'Elizabeth'.
It doesn't take much after that for Naomi to coax Effy into going through the book with her and making a list of the most random and out-there names that they can find. In the end they settle on picking five ludicrous names each and placing them in the hat, coming to the rather stupid agreement that on the day the baby is born, whatever name is picked out of the hat, is what the child will be called.
It’s a little harsh, but it makes Effy laugh for the first time in weeks, so Naomi deems the whole thing worth it.
Hours later - their ten ridiculous names safely picked - with Effy curled up asleep on her shoulder, Naomi finds that she doesn’t really care that she might end up as a god-parent to a child who could turn out to be called Bricker Stonem.
-----
A week before Effy’s due date Naomi finds her crying hysterically on the bathroom floor, clutching a little brown bear that she bought for the baby’s arrival. She’s gotten used to this now, the way that she’ll find Effy in various stages of a hormonal break down. It was a little unsettling to begin with, but once the doctor had explained that Effy would suffer changeable mood swings and do a lot of uncontrollable crying - something which Effy, at the time had outright rejected - Naomi had figured out a way to keep her cool and guide Effy through her momentary outbursts.
Naomi bobs down until she’s level with Effy and reaches out to brush the tears from her cheeks, and says, “Eff, babe, come on. Let’s get you up, yeah? You shouldn’t be sitting on the floor like this; it’s not good for the baby.”
Somehow her words only manage to make Effy cry even more; the heel of her palms going up to her eyes and rubbing furiously. “Who was I kidding thinking I could fucking do this, Naomi?”
“You can do this, Eff.” Naomi replies, her hands running soothingly up and down Effy’s arms.
“Like fuck I can,” Effy snaps back. “I’m scared shitless. I haven’t told my parents, my fiancé fucking left me, I look like a beached whale, and I’m going to be a single parent in a matter of days-- how can you possibly think I won’t fuck this up?”
“Shh, don’t be so stupid,” Naomi coos at her as she passes her a piece of toilet roll to wipe her eyes. “You’re not going to fuck up and I’m right here to help you with the baby, okay? Anything I can do, I will.”
Effy sniffles as her tears subside. She stares at Naomi intently for a few minutes before saying, “Move in with me- I don’t want to be here on my own.”
Naomi smiles brightly and replies, “Done.”
She holds her hands out for Effy to take and pulls her to her feet; her hand instantly falling to rest on Effy’s bump. It makes Effy smile gently, and mumble, “Thanks.”
It’s the first time in her life that Naomi’s ever heard gratitude that wasn’t required.
-----
The next three years pass in a rush; it feels an awful lot like being winded.
Effy gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. They both laugh when ‘Bricker’ does actually get picked out of their ridiculous list, and even after Naomi tries to convince her that she doesn’t have to use that name, Effy insists that it suits him just fine.
They move to a bigger apartment when Bricker’s ten months old, one with enough bedrooms for all three of them to live comfortably. Naomi completes her postgraduate certificate of education without any trouble, and starts work a few months later at a local secondary school, while Effy works in advertising from home so that she can be with Bricker.
When she finally takes a second to catch her breath, Naomi realises how much their lives have somehow managed to change drastically in what feels like the blink of an eye.
It still takes her by surprise, the way that the lessons she’s learned about life have all come out of the most unexpected situations and people.
We’re not teenagers anymore, Naomi thinks as she watches Effy push Bricker on the swings, and remembers that there still feels like a piece of her own puzzle is missing.
-----
Naomi isn’t expecting it at all. It hits her out of nowhere, the way her life gets turned upside down in a split second. One moment she’s going about her daily routine, finishing up her lesson and heading for home, and the next--
All she sees is dark brown staring back at her.
And red- so much red that it burns.
She barely hears as the headmistress makes the introduction and says, “Naomi, I’d like to introduce you to our new English teacher Emily Fitch.”
It seems to happen in a slow motion, the way Emily’s hand slips into her own and shakes it politely- a shocked but happy smile covering her face.
Complete, Naomi thinks instinctively, and automatically feels the last piece to the puzzle slip into place.
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)
Chapter: Wait It Out
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy
Rating: R for swearing
Word Count: 6,864
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Chapter Two: Wait It Out // Clambering for the scraps. In the shatter of us collapsed. That cuts me with every could-have-been.\\
Naomi doesn’t really know where she’s supposed to start.
She finds it more daunting than she’d ever expected, her new beginning, her chance to start from scratch all over again.
Doesn’t understand why she’s finding it all so hard when escaping from home was all she’d dreamed about for years.
Couldn’t wait, back then, to leave it all behind.
Now, she can’t decide whether she’s meant to rebuild what was carelessly bulldozed down in her last few days in Bristol - meant to create the perfect replica of the life she already knows - or whether to scrap it all and start afresh.
It’s utterly overwhelming, Naomi realises, having so many pieces shattered around her feet, waiting eagerly to be put together, and having no instructions to direct her in what order or how.
Logically she knows that it will be nearly impossible for her to piece her old life back together; knows she can’t force shattered parts to fit in ways they once did and thinks that maybe it’ll be easier to use the pieces to create something new instead. Just hopes that it’ll work.
She takes a deep breath to prepare herself, realises that she just has to pick one single piece to begin with.
London.
Places it down and thinks carefully about what she can join with it. Her hands search through the scraps, fingers finding pieces she can add:
University.
Politics.
Eighteen.
Alone.
Naomi watches as each piece takes its new place and hopes that with time she’ll eventually be able to fill in the gaps and see what the final picture will turn out to be.
-----
Freshers’ week is the hardest to get through.
Naomi’s challenge to put aside her normal antisocial behaviour and make a sincere effort to mix with her fellow UCL goers is stunted in an instant.
It begins with red- she sees it everywhere, can’t comprehend how she once thought that it was just another colour when it’s so much more. It acts like a trigger, breaks through the barrier she’d put in place to stop herself thinking about Emily, and leaves her mind filled with messy questions.
Naomi tries her hardest to shut it out again, doesn’t want to let herself think about Emily at all. She knows that thinking about Emily will only force her to come up with answers - answers she isn’t sure she has, and that she doesn’t think she’s ready to face.
Despite her best efforts to escape them, though, she finds that those thoughts of Emily never fail to consume her.
It’s always something unexpected that elicits them: hearing a song Emily likes on the radio, seeing someone wearing a bow, or even the time she overhears two girls in the middle of argument calling each other ‘fucking cow’ somehow manages to set her mind spinning.
It happens in a rush, the way that Naomi’s memory will suddenly be overloaded with memories of her. It’s a flashback so vivid that it forces her from her hiding place, demands that she finally answers the questions that she managed to dodge at every turn.
Only she can’t. She’s still afraid of what the answers will be, and what they’ll mean about her.
Naomi hates how her mind always seem to linger on the ‘what if’s’.
She forces herself to concentrate on her degree, knows deep down that it’s only a momentary distraction, will only hold them at bay a little longer, but it gives her those final few moments before she has to answer to her hardest critic yet… herself.
-----
It’s become almost a ritual, the way that Naomi will head over to the little coffee shop just across from her dorm and settle down in one of the worn out booths to crack on with an essay. She likes the way the place always has a busy feel to it. It reminds her of trying to get coursework done at home - when her mum had simply offered their house out as a commune to all kinds of hippy freaks - and the constant noise actually helps in making her feel calmed and focused. Naomi finds that even the cheap tasting coffee is a comfort.
“Surely eight a.m. on a Saturday morning is a little early for essay writing, even for you.”
It comes out of nowhere, the drone of an exceedingly bored and yet familiar voice. Only when she hears a gentle rustling and the click of a lighter seconds later does she lift her head up from her work to see Effy turning a cigarette between her fingers, momentarily toying with it before slipping it back into the back when she realises she’s inside.
“You know me, Eff, won’t be satisfied until I literally know it all,” Naomi says, a hint of sarcasm lacing her tone. The corners of Effy’s mouth twitch into a barely-there smile and Naomi finds herself suddenly curious as to what Effy is doing in London. “Come to see the Queen?”
Effy drums her fingers against the table, grins almost disbelievingly before replying, “University.”
Naomi tries not to let her surprise show, and if Effy notices she pretends not to. Instead, she reaches over and grasps Naomi’s cup of coffee, finishes whatever remains of the once hot drink in a large mouthful.
“The ever faithful watcher of the people finally searches for the meaning of life?” Naomi offers with a teasing smile.
“Something like that.” Effy replies, expression completely neutral.
“Any luck yet?”
Effy smiles wickedly. “Life’s shit and then you die.”
“Insightful.” Naomi replies through a laugh.
A moment of silence passes before Effy asks, “How’s Emily getting on at Sheffield?”
It makes the smile fall from Naomi’s face at once, her eyes averting Effy’s relentless gaze. “I don’t know. Things got complicated between us before we left Bristol and we ended it.”
“She didn’t chase after you then?”
“Not this time,” Naomi murmurs sadly, “I assume she finally realised that I wasn’t worth it.”
Effy’s eyes soften momentarily. “Sorry.”
Naomi shakes her head, brushing off Effy’s attempt of comfort. “Don’t be. It was my own fault anyway.” She throws a forced smile in Effy’s direction. “Want to get out of here and go grab something to eat? The coffee here is all right, but the food is definitely too questionable to chance.”
Effy shakes her head, and says, “Not hungry. How about going someplace where they serve something a little stronger?”
Naomi doesn’t even think about it, grabs up her things and replies, “Sounds like a plan.”
-----
Effy doesn’t say much while they drink and, in return, neither does Naomi.
When they’re finished a couple of hours later, Effy vanishes just as quickly as she appeared.
Mysterious as always, Naomi muses as she heads back to her dorm, all the while trying to keep her mind from actually wondering what Sheffield is like.
-----
Naomi’s never been much of a drinker, social or otherwise.
She’d only ever joined in with the festivities in college if she’d somehow managed to find her way to a shit house party and alcohol was the only thing available to keep her entertained. Occasionally, she’d even take whatever drugs were on offer to make the night seem more bearable.
It’s not something Naomi’s ever felt she needs though. The buzz from the drinking, the inevitable high from the drugs, have never been an escape she could really understand.
Now, when it becomes too much, when she can’t switch it off - the way Emily seems to be haunting her at every turn - she’s surprised to find that the only thing that lets her try to forget is that well used method of a constant upkeep of alcohol and drugs in her system.
Now I get it, Naomi thinks hazily, embracing how their effects keep her from feeling anything at all.
-----
The next couple of months pass in a haze.
Every night is a different place, but the intention to get too intoxicated to care or remember remains the same.
“It doesn’t actually work, y’know.”
They haven’t seen each other since their last accidental meeting and Naomi’s already far too on her way to being completely fucked to try and decode whatever Effy’s trying to tell her.
Naomi sees Effy slide gracefully onto the barstool next to her and downs her last shot before slurring, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Effy’s smile is almost menacing when she says, “The drinking. The drugs. That desire to numb it all and not let yourself feel. It doesn’t work in the long run, Naomi. The effects wear off eventually.”
It makes something inside Naomi snap, makes her resent that she’s not really alone in London after all. “Yeah, well, thanks for the advice, Effy, but it seems to be working just fine for me at the moment. So, if you don’t mind...”
Naomi doesn’t give Effy the chance to respond, just grasps her drink, and let’s herself once again get lost amongst the crowd.
-----
It spirals out of control quicker than she can handle.
It starts out as nothing more than harmless flirting- he introduces himself, buys her a drink, spends long moments complimenting her; she likes the way that being under his hungry gaze makes her feel alive for the first time in weeks.
Naomi doesn’t really know how she let it escalate so rapidly - isn’t sure how flirting went to kissing or how the kissing led to this- her back pressed roughly against the cubicle wall, large hands bunching up her skirt and forcing her underwear down her legs.
It feels wrong.
Isn’t even something she really wants.
When she starts crying out of nowhere, he takes a step back from her at once and quickly re-buttons his jeans with a worried expression. “Calm down, babe. We haven’t done anything, all right? Nothing happened.”
His words don’t comfort her- only make her cry harder when it finally clicks just how fucked up her life is.
Naomi barely hears his swift explanation of “I didn’t touch her. I swear nothing happened.” seconds later or the reply of a simple “Go.” Just sees Effy enter into her line of vision a moment after, a sad smile present on her lips when she tugs up Naomi’s underwear and smoothes downs her skirt; one hand stabling Naomi’s wobbling form.
It’s the feel of Effy’s gentle fingers on the bare skin of her arm that make Naomi even more aware of just how fucked up her choices have been- how wrong everything has been since she left Bristol behind.
“I’ve messed up, Eff.” Naomi gasps through her tears. “It was just so much, and I was so fucking scared...”
“It’s okay,” Effy coos as she wipes at Naomi’s wet cheeks. Somehow she manages to get her arm wrapped steadily around Naomi’s waist, and gets Naomi back up on her feet. “Come on, Campbell. Let’s get you home, yeah?”
Naomi doesn’t remember much about Effy carrying her home, just knows that she kept mumbling a mixture of “I didn’t mean to fuck it up” and “I’m sorry” over and over again.
-----
She wakes to the gentle sound of someone murmuring her name.
“Ems?”
“Sorry, just me,” Effy says carefully when Naomi’s woken properly. She passes her a glass of water a second later, accompanied by two pain killers for her obvious hangover.
Naomi takes a couple of sips of the cool liquid and gratefully swallows down the tablets before looking up to find Effy’s blue eyes staring back at her. She immediately feels helpless under Effy’s gaze, can’t seem to stop her eyes from tearing up.
Effy picks up on her inner struggle, offers a helping hand when she utters, “Truth?”
Naomi wipes at her eyes and sniffles, smiles a little despite her pounding head and aching body. “I messed it up.”
“And?” Effy presses.
“And...?” Naomi catches the look on Effy’s face that lets her know she’s not fooling anyone anymore.
“Fuck’s sake...” Naomi grumbles irritably before sobering to add, “I... love her, all right?”
“I know,” Effy replies sincerely, giving Naomi’s arm a gentle squeeze.
Naomi’s surprised to find that saying it out loud - finally admitting it to herself after all this time - isn’t actually as difficult as she expected it to be. She’s even more shocked when the feeling settles over her and for the first time doesn’t fill her with that desperate urge to take it back and run.
Effy is the one to break the silence that falls over them as she lights up a cigarette from her pack and takes a quick drag of it before handing it over to Naomi. Effy exhales smoke a second later and smiles wryly. “I told you that it doesn’t work for long- numbing everything. Always catches up with you in the end.”
Naomi doesn’t reply, just puffs away on her cigarette and wishes that just for once Effy didn’t always have to be right.
-----
Admitting it is like opening a wound. After months of avoidance it brings those unanswered questions back in a rush. The only difference is, this time she’s ready to face up to the answers.
(At least some of them anyway.)
Naomi doesn’t know whether it does more bad or good, letting herself finally think about Emily, just knows that it’s time that she at least let herself feel something about it all.
She runs their time together repeatedly over in her mind, smiles to herself when she remembers all of the good parts - Emily being brave by the lake, desperate kisses against the lockers, staying in bed all day long just because they could.
What really cuts her, makes realisation set in fast and deep, is how those few good moments they shared together are hideously outweighed by the bad. It makes her chest clench painfully with a mixture of guilt and shame.
The one thing that stings the most - always leaves her feeling physically sick - is how she never stopped being a coward. Naomi despises the word and all that it implies; hates how she let herself become one of those people she can’t stand, always too spineless to stand up for what they believe in.
It had been totally unbalanced from the moment it began. Emily had given one-hundred percent, while she had given little. Emily had pulled and pulled, and in return for her sweet effort, Naomi pushed her away.
It’s those thoughts that cause Naomi to have trouble sleeping.
She spends her nights lying awake wondering what Emily’s life is like now. Sometimes she’ll let herself think about whether Emily lies awake and thinks of her, too. Or, sometimes she’ll wonder whether Emily’s already moved on with someone else.
(Naomi never lets herself think about that latter for too long.)
The worst part of thinking about Emily’s life now, Naomi knows, is that she still could have been a part of it had she just let herself be.
It’s always the ‘what could-have-been’s’ that make her hurt the most, leave her crying silently into her pillow and wishing she could undo what is already done.
-----
“Just call her,” Effy says a week later while they’re laying on Naomi’s bed watching crap daytime TV and smoking. It breaks through the muted bubble-world Naomi’s created for herself in an instant.
“It’s not that simple,” Naomi replies miserably as she turns to face her. “I can’t just call her up out of the blue. It’s been nearly sixth months, Effy.”
Effy frowns back at her. “So it’s been sixth months. Who cares? It’s just time.”
“It’s not just time, Eff. Time changes everything.” Naomi lets her eyes drift back to the ceiling, pauses to think for a moment before continuing, “Besides, I’ve already messed her life up several times before. I can’t do it to her again, not if she’s already started to move on. It’s too late.”
She’s grateful when she hears Effy let out a sigh, knows the subjects been dropped, at least for the time being anyway.
-----
April and May pass by in a blur.
-----
Naomi’s already tucked in for the night when the loud knocking starts at her door. Effy’s glares at her furiously when she finally opens it, barges past her and lets herself in without waiting to be asked.
“What’s up, Eff?” Naomi asks curiously.
Effy takes one look at her baggy jumper and sweat-pants and gets as irritated as Naomi’s ever seen her. “What the fuck, Naomi? We’re supposed to be going out tonight, or did you just forget?”
Naomi glances down at what she’s wearing when Effy’s persistent staring begins to burn; shifts uncomfortably on her feet when she looks back up and answers, “I didn’t forget, I just don’t feel like it. I sent you a text.”
Effy shakes her head, purses her lips together in a tight frown. “It’s been months, you can’t just stay locked away forever. It’s getting pathetic, Naomi.”
There’s something in the way Effy’s eyes have narrowed in on her with a glimmer of what looks like disgust that makes Naomi crack. “Me pathetic?” she snaps back. “At least I’m finally letting myself feel something. But what about you, huh, Eff? Still think that playing the part of the unfeeling, uncaring robot isn’t at least a bit pathetic, too?”
Effy’s jaw tenses at Naomi’s words, but her tone remains surprisingly neutral when she ignores her outburst and replies, “Either stop the wallowing, and the endless self pity, Naomi, and do something about Emily, or just let it go. But, for fuck’s sake, stop torturing yourself for the mistakes you made.”
Effy’s words sting more than she thought they would and it’s all Naomi can do to avert Effy’s gaze, and gesture towards the door. “I think you should leave.”
Effy nods her head mutely and passes her by to let herself out, turns back around quickly and adds, “Stop letting your regrets hold you back or you’ll just end up with even more mistakes to add to your list.”
Naomi doesn’t hear the sound of the door shutting behind Effy’s retreating form, is too consumed by the deafening words Effy’s left behind.
-----
“I’m sorry,” Naomi says when Effy opens the door the next morning, and offers her one of the Styrofoam cups of coffee she’s carrying. “Peace offering?”
Effy’s mouth curves into a small smile as she pulls the door back to let Naomi into her room. She gestures at the edge of her bed and sits; Naomi following swiftly behind her.
“You were right, by the way.” Naomi says, breaking the silence between them. Effy turns to her with a neutral expression. “About me, I mean. I did need to make a decision about all of this Emily stuff.”
“Obviously,” Effy replies dryly.
“I stayed up thinking about it last night after you left.” Naomi reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and lets out a shaky breath before looking up at Effy with a forced smile. “I’ve decided that I’m letting her go.” Naomi shrugs when Effy doesn’t look away. “Things are better off this way. She can move on and so can I. It’s about time I started living my life again.”
“You made the right choice, Naomi.”
Naomi lets out a nervous chuckle. “I hope so.” She smiles awkwardly a second later and says, “Sorry for calling you a robot, Eff.”
Effy laughs. “Don’t be. That’s possibly the nicest insult anyone has ever thrown at me.” Naomi watches as Effy’s face changes from amused to self-conscious as she continues, “But you were right, too; I fucked around in college and hurt a lot of people - Freddie, Cook, Panda... Katie,” she says with a wince, “I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“To change?” Naomi suggests, lamely raising her coffee cup and rolling her eyes.
Effy smiles and clinks their cups together. “To change... and a lot of therapy time.”
Naomi sniggers and takes a finalising sip of her coffee.
-----
Things only get easier as time goes on.
They stick to their agreement to change.
Effy goes to therapy twice a week, telling Naomi that it’s about time she talked to someone who isn’t just a wanker about everything in life.
Naomi sees a flyer pinned up in a local supermarket asking for volunteers to help out at a children’s summer school; she puts her name down without a second thought.
She calls her mum later that night, and cancels her plans to return to Bristol for the summer - knows that there’s no point reopening her healing wounds if she can avoid it.
-----
As her second year at university rolls around and comes to an end, Naomi realises that she doesn’t find herself floating off in thought of Emily anymore; is far too busy getting out into the world and living her life.
After deciding to let Emily go, she’d busied herself in her work and even maintained her challenge to stop being so antisocial by joining in any political cause she could find. She’s immersed herself in organising rallies and protests with her fellow classmates- and even managed to make a few friends along the way.
Things are definitely looking up.
-----
She meets Effy every Sunday morning for coffee.
It’s always that same little coffee shop where they first bumped into each other in London. Neither of them will admit it, but they both know it’s become ‘their’ place.
Naomi’s in the middle of explaining her latest political cause when she notes that Effy’s not even pretending to be the good sport she usually is in listening- is far too busy twisting in her seat to get a better look at the attractive guy sitting at the table behind them.
“Erm, hellooo? I’m talking here, y’know,” Naomi teases as she snaps her fingers in front of Effy’s face.
Effy turns to face her with her devilish grin- a grin Naomi’s come to recognise as the one that means Effy’s up to something. “That guy sitting behind us has been here every Sunday morning for the past month.”
“And?”
Effy rolls her eyes in response. “And, he sits and stares at you every time we’re here. He thinks you’re hot.”
It makes Naomi blush furiously without warning, a nervous laugh bubbling out of her throat. “Why would he be staring at me? He’s clearly staring at you, Eff.”
“He’s staring at you, Naomi. And, he’s staring at you because you’re hot and he’s hot and guys like that can sense when women like you haven’t had sex in forever.”
Naomi reaches across the table and slaps at Effy’s arm. “Just because my new leaf isn’t as good as yours and I haven’t fallen madly in love like a certain someone I know,” she laughs when Effy gives her the finger, “Doesn’t mean that I’m not having sex.”
Effy raises an eyebrow questioningly. “Oh, so since I saw you last Sunday, you’re suddenly having sex again?”
Naomi lets out a breath and bites down on her bottom lip. “Well, no, not exactly.”
“So, like I was saying, this guy is really hot and he’s staring at you in a way that’s obviously him mentally undressing you. You should go over there and give him your number.”
Naomi chances a glance over Effy’s shoulder to take a better look at the guy. Blushes an ever darker shade of red when he catches her looking and smiles sexily back at her. “I don’t know, Eff.”
“Come on, Naomi. It’s been two years. You need to get back out there. Plus, he’s really attractive.” Effy picks up on Naomi’s unease and covers her hand with her own. “Just go for a drink with him. You never know, you might actually end up enjoying yourself.”
Naomi feels her resistance faltering when he stands from his table and gingerly makes his way over to them; gives in and agrees to go out with him when she feels Effy kick her under the table.
-----
Three weeks later Naomi adds ‘men’ as another piece to the puzzle that is her life.
Notices how all the empty spaces are slowing getting filled in piece by piece.
-----
They’re playing a game of cards when it occurs to Naomi that their university experience only has a year left to go. “Eff? What do you think you want to do when your degree is done?”
Effy looks up at her over her cards and says, “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I think Mike might want to go travelling.”
Naomi rolls her eyes, and places her cards down. “I think I want to go into teaching. I enjoyed volunteering at that summer school and the guy who ran the place said I was a natural.”
Effy pulls a face, places her own cards down, and smiles smugly when Naomi sees that she’s lost again. “Isn’t teaching like a whole different degree? Do you really want to spend another three years here just to work with teenaged twats like Cook?”
Naomi laughs when she remembers how absurd the boy had been, sees her smile mirrored of Effy’s own face. “It wouldn’t actually be for that long. Because I’ll already have my politics degree, I can do a postgraduate certificate in education by staying on for another year.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it all planned out, Miss Campbell,” Effy teases, shuffling the cards again.
-----
She drops it into conversation casually. “So I got asked out on Friday night…” Naomi says as she takes a seat on Effy’s couch and sips at her wine.
“And?”
“I don’t know whether I should go or not.”
Effy stares at her disbelievingly. “Naomi, you get asked out all the time. I’m sure this guy is nice, just go and enjoy yourself. Stop over analysing it.”
Naomi puts her glass down on the coffee table and twists her body so she’s facing Effy properly. “That’s the problem actually... it’s not a guy.”
“Ah, I see.” Effy smiles and teasingly asks, “Is she hot?”
Naomi can’t help but blush a little even when Effy laughs and prods her with her foot to get her to answer. “Yeah, she’s gorgeous, and we get on great.”
“I don’t see the problem then.”
“It’s just that I haven’t - not with another woman - since Emily, I mean.” Naomi averts Effy’s gaze, knows that her bringing up Emily in any way or form will have Effy all over her case within seconds.
“Naomi...”
“Yeah, I know,” Naomi replies shaking her head. “I’ve got to get back out there and I have been. It’s just--”
“Just nothing, Naomi,” Effy interrupts, “You should go on the date and you know it.”
Naomi knows Effy’s right, knows that she gave up the right to think about Emily at all. Just knows that she can’t help the way Emily still manages to linger in the back of her mind.
-----
“How was your date?” Effy asks with a smirk, noticing the way that Naomi’s still wearing the same outfit that she’d helped her pick out the night before.
Naomi makes sure that she isn’t looking directly at Effy when she replies, “It went well. I liked her, we got on well. The meal was great and... I spent the night. But, I don’t think I’m going to see her again.”
Effy stares at her silently for long seconds before moving aside and motioning for Naomi to come inside. She passes Naomi a cup of coffee and leans back against the kitchen counter. “Aren’t you going to tell me why you’re not going to see her again?”
“It just didn’t feel right, y’know,” Naomi replies.
She sees the look in Effy’s eyes a second later, and knows that she doesn’t have to say what they both already know: ‘She’s not Emily.’
-----
Towards the end of her third year, Naomi happily notes that the puzzle that makes up her life is starting to look almost complete.
Only a few empty spaces remain.
-----
After months of turning up nearly every day and impatiently knocking on the door to Effy’s flat, Effy had finally just tossed the set of keys in Naomi’s direction and told her to just get her own ‘buggering’ set made.
“Hey, Eff?” Naomi calls out as she lets herself in and begins to walk down the hallway and towards the kitchen.
“Can I bring a date to your engagement party? I know I should have told you, but I met a really cute guy on the train. We’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now and I want you to mee--”
Naomi freezes in the doorway when her eyes stumble across Effy sitting alone on the floor of the kitchen; the room now stripped of all of its belongings.
It comes as a shock, seeing Effy, knees drawn up to her chest and looking more broken than Naomi can ever remember seeing her. Effy’s always been the strong one since they got to London, the one to pull herself together and make a go of her life without ever looking back at the mess she’d once made.
It’s painful, Naomi realises a second later, watching the one person who’s always kept you afloat looking so utterly like they can’t stop themselves from going under.
“No party, I’m afraid,” Effy says hoarsely, looking up to find Naomi’s eyes. “Mike’s left me.”
Naomi closes the space between them quickly, kneels down in front of Effy, and tries to pull her into a hug.
Effy bats her arm away and shakes her head with tear filled eyes. “Don’t. I’m fine.”
“Eff...” Naomi murmurs, ignoring her plea and reaching for her again. Effy resists against her embrace for a moment before Naomi says, “Don’t. It doesn’t help not to feel, remember?”
She feels Effy sink into her arms, can feel a mixture of Effy’s hot breath and tears against the crook of her neck as she begins to sob. Naomi feels the balance shift between them, knows that she has to be the strong one for once and hold them together; tightens her arms around Effy’s tiny frame, and curses the universe.
-----
‘Best friend’ Naomi adds to her puzzle.
Wonders why she hasn’t added it in sooner.
Realises this is the first time in her life that she’s ever really had one.
-----
Naomi squints her eyes as she tries to read the tiny writing on the back of the box. “It says you have to pee on it.”
“No shit, Naomi.”
Naomi lets out a laugh when she catches Effy’s amused smile and dramatic eye roll. Hands over the box and sits on the edge of the bed to wait for Effy’s return.
She keeps time on her watch when Effy comes back with a less than pleased look on her face muttering- “It’s like that fucking thing at the funfair where you have to try and shoot the water gun at the really small target.”
“Look, then,” Naomi says after three long minutes.
Effy slowly shakes her head from her place on the bed. “I can’t. You look for me.”
Naomi takes a deep breath as she lifts the pregnancy test up to her eyes, sees the two little blue lines and turns back to Effy with a skittish smile. “Ah, well, fuck.”
Effy snatches it from Naomi’s grasp and looks down at it in horror.
-----
Effy whips her bag angrily across the kitchen as soon as they step inside of her flat.
Naomi doesn’t say a word, knows that Effy needs this time to try and figure things out in her head. Instead she shrugs out of her jacket and makes them both a cup of tea before Effy speaks again.
“For years, Freddie and Cook fucking stalked me because they loved me and wanted to be with me but I couldn’t love them back. And yet somehow, stupidly, I manage to fall in love with the one guy who didn’t want to fucking stick around.” Effy laughs bitterly as she runs a hand through her wild hair. “Now, I’m four bloody months pregnant and alone. What the fuck am I going to do, Naomi?”
Naomi often finds it strange now, when Effy will relapse slightly like this and bring up the past. She remembers how reckless Effy had been back in college, had never been able to understand her attitude at all. One night, during a rather depressing conversation about people and love, Naomi had asked Effy what her deal was with trusting people. Effy had looked over at her in silence before quickly muttering some explanation about her parents and how they’d completely fucked up her belief in people.
It had made Naomi think about her own parents. Her mother was a complete fruit cake, wild and annoying but always there regardless and her father... well he had been absent for the better part of her life, and it had left her feel nothing but bitter towards most people.
Naomi can hardly comprehend what it must have been like for Effy, whose parents were part of her daily life and yet still absent in every possible way. It made Naomi think of invisibility, and wonder if that’s how Effy got so good at being mysterious; impossible to be anything but a mystery when nobody ever sees you for who you really are.
Naomi smiles sorrowfully at the memory and says, “You’ll do what you’ve always done. You’ll be strong and cope with this and I’ll be here to help, okay?”
Effy looks less than convinced with her answer. “Don’t make me any promises. I’ve learnt the hard way that they really mean fuck-all.”
Naomi throws her arm around Effy’s shoulder, pulls her into a sideways hug and presses a kiss to her forehead, and says, “You just need someone to prove you wrong, that’s all.” She doesn’t need to mention Effy’s parents for her to understand what she means when she continues, “I believe in you, yeah? You can do this.”
Effy tilts her head to find Naomi’s eyes, smiles a little at her words before sagging against her, and nodding meekly. “I can do this.”
Naomi closes her eyes and rests her head atop of Effy’s; remembers laying on her bedroom floor with Emily, and being told for the first time by someone other than her mum, that they believed in her. She hadn’t realised at the time, but in that spilt second, Emily had gotten her to believe in a whole lot more than herself.
She hopes her words are enough to make a believer out of Effy too.
-----
They don’t celebrate on the day they receive their results.
Naomi passes her degree with flying colours- receives a first-class honours, and gets a hysterical phone call from her mum repeatedly telling her how proud she is. She makes an excuse and hangs up on her at the first chance she gets, unable to handle her mum’s gushing for longer than necessary.
Effy doesn’t blink an eye when she opens her own results- doesn’t even let on that she’s pleased when she finds out she’s passed with a 2.1.
Naomi makes an effort to cheer Effy up, knows that they can’t go out drinking, what with Effy being nearly seven months pregnant. Instead she nips down to the nearest shopping centre, returning home an hour later with a book of baby names, some post-it notes and ridiculous top hat that she buys from a charity shop. Effy stares at her with a mixture of confusion and irritation, until Naomi finally manages to make her smile and roll her eyes while she teasingly reads out the meaning behind 'Elizabeth'.
It doesn't take much after that for Naomi to coax Effy into going through the book with her and making a list of the most random and out-there names that they can find. In the end they settle on picking five ludicrous names each and placing them in the hat, coming to the rather stupid agreement that on the day the baby is born, whatever name is picked out of the hat, is what the child will be called.
It’s a little harsh, but it makes Effy laugh for the first time in weeks, so Naomi deems the whole thing worth it.
Hours later - their ten ridiculous names safely picked - with Effy curled up asleep on her shoulder, Naomi finds that she doesn’t really care that she might end up as a god-parent to a child who could turn out to be called Bricker Stonem.
-----
A week before Effy’s due date Naomi finds her crying hysterically on the bathroom floor, clutching a little brown bear that she bought for the baby’s arrival. She’s gotten used to this now, the way that she’ll find Effy in various stages of a hormonal break down. It was a little unsettling to begin with, but once the doctor had explained that Effy would suffer changeable mood swings and do a lot of uncontrollable crying - something which Effy, at the time had outright rejected - Naomi had figured out a way to keep her cool and guide Effy through her momentary outbursts.
Naomi bobs down until she’s level with Effy and reaches out to brush the tears from her cheeks, and says, “Eff, babe, come on. Let’s get you up, yeah? You shouldn’t be sitting on the floor like this; it’s not good for the baby.”
Somehow her words only manage to make Effy cry even more; the heel of her palms going up to her eyes and rubbing furiously. “Who was I kidding thinking I could fucking do this, Naomi?”
“You can do this, Eff.” Naomi replies, her hands running soothingly up and down Effy’s arms.
“Like fuck I can,” Effy snaps back. “I’m scared shitless. I haven’t told my parents, my fiancé fucking left me, I look like a beached whale, and I’m going to be a single parent in a matter of days-- how can you possibly think I won’t fuck this up?”
“Shh, don’t be so stupid,” Naomi coos at her as she passes her a piece of toilet roll to wipe her eyes. “You’re not going to fuck up and I’m right here to help you with the baby, okay? Anything I can do, I will.”
Effy sniffles as her tears subside. She stares at Naomi intently for a few minutes before saying, “Move in with me- I don’t want to be here on my own.”
Naomi smiles brightly and replies, “Done.”
She holds her hands out for Effy to take and pulls her to her feet; her hand instantly falling to rest on Effy’s bump. It makes Effy smile gently, and mumble, “Thanks.”
It’s the first time in her life that Naomi’s ever heard gratitude that wasn’t required.
-----
The next three years pass in a rush; it feels an awful lot like being winded.
Effy gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. They both laugh when ‘Bricker’ does actually get picked out of their ridiculous list, and even after Naomi tries to convince her that she doesn’t have to use that name, Effy insists that it suits him just fine.
They move to a bigger apartment when Bricker’s ten months old, one with enough bedrooms for all three of them to live comfortably. Naomi completes her postgraduate certificate of education without any trouble, and starts work a few months later at a local secondary school, while Effy works in advertising from home so that she can be with Bricker.
When she finally takes a second to catch her breath, Naomi realises how much their lives have somehow managed to change drastically in what feels like the blink of an eye.
It still takes her by surprise, the way that the lessons she’s learned about life have all come out of the most unexpected situations and people.
We’re not teenagers anymore, Naomi thinks as she watches Effy push Bricker on the swings, and remembers that there still feels like a piece of her own puzzle is missing.
-----
Naomi isn’t expecting it at all. It hits her out of nowhere, the way her life gets turned upside down in a split second. One moment she’s going about her daily routine, finishing up her lesson and heading for home, and the next--
All she sees is dark brown staring back at her.
And red- so much red that it burns.
She barely hears as the headmistress makes the introduction and says, “Naomi, I’d like to introduce you to our new English teacher Emily Fitch.”
It seems to happen in a slow motion, the way Emily’s hand slips into her own and shakes it politely- a shocked but happy smile covering her face.
Complete, Naomi thinks instinctively, and automatically feels the last piece to the puzzle slip into place.
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)