my neighbors saw you on my doorstep the other night, so i know it was you that left that creepy poem in my mailbox. what the hell kind of a line includes "dove of my love"? stop sending the flowers and chocolate too, i already told you i'm really not interested in a relationship right now.
Your neighbors were simply confused, and their misunderstanding was completely rational. Once again, Peter is the problem and the cause of all of our strife. Allow me to explain:
While taking my nightly stroll, in order to maintain my manly physique and stay in shape for my impending crucifixion, I was passing by your apartment when Peter came running towards me. He had come from the town square (I could tell from the scent of cheep gay perfume and semen on his person) and produced a piece of parchment which he brandished as if it were the Magna Carta: "Look Jesus, Look! I wrote you a poem!". I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted the ridiculous poem, and Peter ran along. However, as soon as he had left, I realized I needed to disperse of his love-letter, lest I be wrongfully accused of homosexuality, and consequently burned at the stake. I therefore put the parchment in your mailbox and hightailed it home, where I fucked the shit out of Tabitha Martinez before passing out in a pool of my own vomit.
Re: Mary, Mary, Mary
anonymous
April 15 2005, 05:40:23 UTC
How i loathe Peter. I think he invited me to this loin cloth fashion show in Jericho about fifty times before i threatened to pelt him with tiny rocks. Anyways no harm done with that poem, but i'd stay away from that Martinez girl if i were you. Word on the street is she gave Pontius Pilot a mean case of gonorrhea last year.
Adultering in Sephora..aveydeyApril 16 2005, 07:10:31 UTC
Dear Jesus,
So I have this problem, right? So me and my pseudo-girlfriend live in Sephora.. you know, it's right by Nazareth.. Anyway... So we were getting pretty serious, when she drops the M word... You know... MARRIED. So it turns out she is married to this roman legionaire named Ricksteclese. Anyway, turns out he just got her to marry him so Rome would pay him more... but see she's still married, and I don't know what to do! Should I keep seeing her, Jesus? Or should I try to forget about her. Help me, Jesus.. You're the only one I can turn to!
Signed,
Adultering in Sephora
Ps: Will I be going to hell? If so, please absolve me of my sins. Thx.
Re: Adultering in Sephora..aveydeyApril 16 2005, 19:00:42 UTC
Dear Jesus,
The clap huh? Sucks to be him. So wait, Jesus, when you stormed out of the temple and tossed over all those tables... was it because you got the clap too? Cuz fuck that would make a hell of a lot more sense than that false idols shit. Anyway, thanks for the advice, Jesus, you're a life saver! But I'm not too keen on that idea of me going to helll.. if there's any way that you could, I don't know, hurry up and die on that cross for my sins, that'd be nice. Thanks dude!!
Re: Adultering in Sephora..thediaryofjesusApril 17 2005, 02:01:42 UTC
Ah yes, my "Temple-Tantrum" if you will. The idol worship didn't really bother me as much as the fact that fucking Home-Renovation Expo they host twice a year. I was stopping by to pick up my holy scrolls to take home for the weekend, and to say hi to daddy, and I'll be damned if I didn't get harassed by about 15 different peddlers trying to get me to buy new shingles and aluminum siding. NEWS FLASH: I live in a fucking cave most of the time, and occastionally spend a night or two in a hotel...I don't have a goddamned house. And eve if I did, I wouldn't buy any aluminum siding or shingles...you know what? BECAUSE IT NEVER RAINS IN THIS GODFORSAKEN DESERT. So, I apologize about my hissyfit, but I had had quite enough. And no, I don't have the clap. That I know of at least.
Well, I can't give you a car. But I can give you good advice: Walk out of your house, go down the street and pick up an application at TGI-Fridays. I hear they are hiring hosts and hostesses, so you're in luck. Open up a savings account, and save half of every paycheck. In no time at all you'll be able to afford a nice Chevy Caprice.
p.s. I hate people who say "frikkin'"...if you want to say "fucking" then just say it...otherwise pick a different adjective for "car"...like "blue car" or "expensive car" or "faggot car". Any choice will do. Don't worry, I still love you!
Comments 26
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Best of Luck!
Jesus
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my neighbors saw you on my doorstep the other night, so i know it was you that left that creepy poem in my mailbox. what the hell kind of a line includes "dove of my love"? stop sending the flowers and chocolate too, i already told you i'm really not interested in a relationship right now.
mary magdelene
Reply
While taking my nightly stroll, in order to maintain my manly physique and stay in shape for my impending crucifixion, I was passing by your apartment when Peter came running towards me. He had come from the town square (I could tell from the scent of cheep gay perfume and semen on his person) and produced a piece of parchment which he brandished as if it were the Magna Carta: "Look Jesus, Look! I wrote you a poem!". I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted the ridiculous poem, and Peter ran along. However, as soon as he had left, I realized I needed to disperse of his love-letter, lest I be wrongfully accused of homosexuality, and consequently burned at the stake. I therefore put the parchment in your mailbox and hightailed it home, where I fucked the shit out of Tabitha Martinez before passing out in a pool of my own vomit.
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How i loathe Peter. I think he invited me to this loin cloth fashion show in Jericho about fifty times before i threatened to pelt him with tiny rocks. Anyways no harm done with that poem, but i'd stay away from that Martinez girl if i were you. Word on the street is she gave Pontius Pilot a mean case of gonorrhea last year.
yours, mary
Reply
So I have this problem, right? So me and my pseudo-girlfriend live in Sephora.. you know, it's right by Nazareth.. Anyway... So we were getting pretty serious, when she drops the M word... You know... MARRIED. So it turns out she is married to this roman legionaire named Ricksteclese. Anyway, turns out he just got her to marry him so Rome would pay him more... but see she's still married, and I don't know what to do! Should I keep seeing her, Jesus? Or should I try to forget about her. Help me, Jesus.. You're the only one I can turn to!
Signed,
Adultering in Sephora
Ps: Will I be going to hell? If so, please absolve me of my sins. Thx.
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The clap huh? Sucks to be him. So wait, Jesus, when you stormed out of the temple and tossed over all those tables... was it because you got the clap too? Cuz fuck that would make a hell of a lot more sense than that false idols shit. Anyway, thanks for the advice, Jesus, you're a life saver! But I'm not too keen on that idea of me going to helll.. if there's any way that you could, I don't know, hurry up and die on that cross for my sins, that'd be nice. Thanks dude!!
Your friend,
David (no relation to the king)
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Sincerely,
Jesus
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Stay in School
Jesus
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Why the fuck would I give you one.
Lots of Love :)
Jesus
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p.s. jesus, i hate it when you swear.
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p.s. I hate people who say "frikkin'"...if you want to say "fucking" then just say it...otherwise pick a different adjective for "car"...like "blue car" or "expensive car" or "faggot car". Any choice will do. Don't worry, I still love you!
:-D
Jesus
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