The other day I thought that it was finally over with Dan. I thought I would fight and fight and fight to be done loving him. I cried for a few days and tried to calus.

Then I saw him.

All over again. What a landslide. I just keep loving him. It is involuntary.
And I sat there, watching him make chicken, and I thought, "Bessy, why do you love him?" ( Read more... )

happy sad happy sad want to die love to live

I feel sweet today like the orange girl on the yellow cake that is in my head. She is so sweet and I feel like her ( Read more... )

Tugboat decided that since his girlfriend situation is shitty, he'll just come back and find me. We can just pick up exactly where we left off. I won't mind at all that I haven't heard from him since like March. Came to my house, woke up my neighbor for a pen, left a note on my door- "Hi Bessy, It's Ian, call me, I miss you."
What the fuck? For ( Read more... )

My car smells like a redemption center. It is the most terrible of all smells. And to be shut in there- in a little capsule of stench- is so so gross.
I am so unproductive lately. so totally unproductive. I hate the sadness. I am so tired of it chasing me and fighting it.
I don't have anything to say. I am sitting on Nicole's couch. She sleeps. I am ( Read more... )

...
I have a policy about never retrying a tainted relationship. I never considered Dan's and my relationship tainted because nothing wrong ever happened.

But he was closed and hesitant and resistant to me. He wouldn't, couldn't bend to me. About anything - ever. He was stubborn and far away. I know about his brain and i know about his heart. I know ( Read more... )

I am so satisfied with the ending to this day of drama.
I'm sweeter to him than I want to be and happier in this than I should be.

And I really like it.

(And the title to this entry is so much more awesome than you know.)

ok. I went to Tom's last night and it was..... boyfriendy. Like we... cuddled. hmm. That doesn't ever happen. I leave before that happens. This is weird. I don't know what to think! I am going there again tonight... 2 in a row? Oh Bessy. What's happening ( Read more... )

I am happy! Finally!
yay yay yay yay yay
I wonder how long it will last!

My sad went away for a bit. I think, actually, it just got overlooked by the excitement of vacation. Once we got settled on the ship it was back, like an old friend. I secret cried. I am so sneaky! I have learned to be so sneaky. I hate that. I need someone to figure me out. I know, though, that if someone tried I would just hate them, get away ( Read more... )